Hello,

I'm 45 years old previously married for 15 years. I have been dating this man for 1 year & 4 months. We were seeing each other about 4 days a week. We also shared family time with his family & mine. After having such an intense & strong relationship I thought it was heading at the right direction. He is a very nice man we have fun together & in so many ways we are so much alike.

But for the last couple of months I have been thinking If he wants our relationship to progress or maybe if he's just looking to stay this way. I got this feeling based on his home remodelings when he knows I'm not crazy about the area that he lives in, I just didn't feel too safe there and I have a nicer home & we both own other homes.

Our Break up took place 10 days ago when he spent the weekend with me when Sunday came I asked him very calmly where he sees our relationship going? He replied that our relationship is going great! He was trying to avoid my question. I told him that my son will be turning 21 and should graduate from college at the end of 2009 and at that point I

Would like for us to be together and he said that we are already together, it was almost like he was playing with his words.

I told him that I know how I feel about him & have no doubts that I want to wake up and fall asleep with him every night and If we are not in the same page than he needs to tell me. He replied that he is serious about me and why rush anything. I wasn't asking him for a decision at this point I just needed to know what he is thinking for the future.

After not getting a direct answer from him I felt so frustrated that I asked him to leave and he did and hasn't attempted to contact me in 10 days. His mother called me & called my parents to tell them how upset she feels about us breaking up. He is extremely stubborn I know he cares allot about me and felt comfortable with the relationship the way that it was & since I placed no demands in the past he felt no need for commitment.

He was placing demands on me not to go out with my friends at night day time was fine.

He is extremely jealous and I have made these changes to make it work, because all his other qualities are so good and he also did the same for me without me asking.

I have told him time after time that a good relationship is about trust, but he still can't deal with me getting together with the girls at night even for dinner.

Everything else with him has been great. I don't get how he can call me so much and wants to be with me at least 4 days a week and he's not even thinking about living together with me the near future! I need some advise!

I have told him time after time that a good relationship is about trust, but he still can't deal with me getting together with the girls at night even for dinner.



Hello,"gigi4"

Firstly,really sorry to read about your break-up. All of this can't be an easy time for you :(

You mention,in your post,that your partner is very jealous,even to the point,where,
He still can't deal with you getting together with the girls at night even for dinner.

Have you ever tried to get "outside help" for your relationship? Sadly,if this doesn't
Help,it's time to let him go :(

The ultimate goal in dating is to find someone you can be yourself with. Someone who enjoys who you are, respects your interests, hobbies, maybe even your friends, admires your goals and ambitions and all around makes your life better being around them.

Sometimes some petty jealousies and insecurities come along for the ride, but they can be overcome or politely ignored, you know. After all, you can't talk someone out of their jealousies, you have to leave them to tend to them while you continue your awesome life, you know, the one he mostly admires, right?

The progression from stage to stage in a correct relationship often takes almost no coaching at all. You come from a long previous marriage and it seems natural that you would envision THAT as the proper next stage. Perfectly normal, right?

But you've been dating long enough now that you may be reaching a crossroads. At some point every relationship ends for one reason or another, or progresses smoothly to the next level.

If you really think you can coax hiim into your desire to commit to a marriage when he seems to be clearly signalling that isn't on his plate right now, I believe you may have a rough road ahead.

I'm not telling you to give him an ultimatum or to leave him, I'm just saying that a growing relationship requires YOU to respect his posistion(s) in life, too. If you HAVE to have a commitment from him that he's not ready to give you yet, you may be hand-grenading a relationship that doesn't have to end that way.

Only you know for sure. If everything else in your relationship is going so well, then patience on this point may serve you well and lead to the prize you want, just not anytime soon.

On the other hand, if marriage is what you crave and you're not willing to wait it out with him, you may have to start again. I doubt there is any way to "convince" him to change, he has to reach that point on his own, and if you can't wait that out... well, you can't.

What do you think?

Hi Gigi, it seems to me that he does not want to get married. Ugh. At least not to you. Sorry I had to say that. You two are not kids and if I were you I don't know if I'd want to wait, 2, 3, 6, 10 more years to find out that, maybe, he's decided that he wants to marry you. Or maybe, he's decided he still doesn't.

From what you've said it doesn't sound like you've been pressuring him, trying to convince him to marry you in any way. It's perfectly natural that after 16 months, and he's showing no signs of striving for a life that involves being married to you, you should gently bring it up, as you did. You were in fact talking about next year, too, not like you need to go to the chapel THIS AFTERNOON. You have every right to wonder, and to ask, at this point. I think you've got your answer.

You want one thing he wants another. He is happy with the way it is, but you want more. Its time to honestly reevaluate this relationship, and what you want in life.