We just received a call that my husband's brother and sister-in-law were killed in a car crash in Vancouver late this afternoon. They have 2 small children, ages 4 and 6, and I'm not sure if they were in the car or not. We are on our way to Vancouver (booked a flight for early tomorrow morning), as it is Jewish custom to bury the bodies within 24 hours or as soon as possible. So the funeral might be tomorrow.

We are both just absolutely stunned at this point. No feeling. They were both very young (29 and 28) and it's so terrible for the kids. Anyway I wanted to say I might not be on the forum for a few days. We always take the computer with us when we travel, but I'm not sure I will feel like coming on. Maybe though... who knows, I might want a break of some kind. I hate this stuff. :(

I am sure that I speak for many when I say that our hearts go out to you and to the family of the young couple, and we all hole that the children are OK. God Bless You.

I don't really know what to say other than my thoughts are with you and Alex.

I am truly sorry for your and his loss.

And for the young children….

It is so sad.

CF

Thanks to both of you for your wishes. I have since found out that both the children were with their grandparents at the time, so at least they were not in the accident. Alex was able to get to sleep but I am still up and restless and it's almost 3:30 am! We have to leave for the airport at 6:30 am so I'm not even sure if it's worth going to bed at this point... blah.

Try to not stress yourself out for the baby's sake. Take care of yourself and let us know what happens to the children.

Hi,
All the best to you and my prayers go out to you and your husband. It is a blessing that the children were not in the car. Please get back with us.

Our prayers will be with you and the family. There is no true preparation for death and the loss of loved ones. We will keep all of you in our thougths, minds and prayers.

I am so sorry to hear about the losses. It is very tragic and we are all praying for the whole family. Take the time needed for your family.

Joe

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Alex. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Robyn

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope that God gives all of you the strength to endure.

Oh my God, Orange.. Im so sorry to hear this. I hope you and your husband are doing okay. You are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks when I hear this. Let us know how you are doing. Love you.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I must be addicted to this forum, because I came online specially to see what was going on. Anyway, we are here in Vancouver now, staying at Alex's parents. The immediate adult family members have gone to the funeral home to make some last arrangements, and I stayed here to babysit the children, Shaina and Levi. They are watching a video right now, and I am still too restless to do much, so I decided to set up the computer, come on here and maybe play a game or something before the video finishes. I still haven't gotten any sleep!

The funeral is tomorrow morning, and the mourning surrounding the funeral is going to be fairly traditional. Family and friends are going to take shifts of a couple of hours or so to sit with the bodies today and all night right up until the funeral as a kind of vigil, which is traditional. The bodies are not to be left alone, because it is believed that the souls still linger until the burial.

Then after the funeral all the immediate family is going to sit shiva for 7 days. Alex and I are staying for that, so we'll be here in Vancouver for the next week. Everyone is going to be staying at the grandparent's house for the Shiva. Luckily they have a large house because there's going to be Alex's parents, his sister-in-law's parents, his other 2 brothers, her sister and her 3 children, plus Alex and I and the children, Shaina and Levi.

Anyway don't know why I said all that. I seem to be typing a lot of stuff I don't really need to. I guess I should end for now and say thanks again to everyone. Maybe I should try to lie down again before the video is over.

Orange my prayers will be with you and your familys. May God watch over and bless you all in this hard time.

Orange,

Sorry to hear the sad news.

You and yours will be in our prayers. Godspeed on your journey and safe return home.


Irulan

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Orange,
I am sorry for your family loss. It always makes me sad and angry at the same time when I hear something that terrible.
I feel for you and your family.
Please feel free to post here more messages on that if you need more support: it may help to talk about it.

Thanks again everyone. I had no idea I would get so many responses. It's nice to know that so many people care! I'm signing off for the evening, as I didn't get any sleep last night. Tomorrow is busy with the funeral in the morning, then the burial, the meal of condolance, and the first evening of saying mourner's kaddish. So I might come on tomorrow night again, but I'm not sure. I'm exhausted.

All our prayers are with you

Orange, I am so sorry to read about your loss. I send my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Take care of yourself and let us know what happens to the children.

NeedKarma, the children are supposed to go to US... Alex and me, that is!! Just a few months ago we signed some documents saying we would adopt the children if anything happened to Alex's brother and sister-in-law. Alex has 2 other brothers, but they are both single, and his other sister-in-law is a single mom with 3 small children. Both sets of grandparents are nearing 70 and so they felt they were too old to raise such young kids. So we were the only reasonable choice.

Of course we NEVER imagined that Sam and Rachel were going to die so soon!! So it's all very sad, and at the same time confusing and I am SCARED to death of adopting the kids! Not that I don't want them, I really love them and they know me well... in fact they are pretty much clinging to me since we got here. They know they are going with us. But I'm worried that I won't know how to care for them, etc... plus I'm going to give birth soon... eeek. I feel so overwhelmed, having to deal with their deaths plus comfort and care for the kids. Alex's parents are offering tons of help in the way of finances, because they are quite wealthy, but still we will be the ones to raise the kids. It's very scary. Anyway I guess I don't need to worry about it just yet, we are here for another week yet. But it is pretty overwhelming right now. It still hasn't sunk in that Sam and Rachel are actually gone and that I am suddenly the mother of 2 kids plus a baby on the way! :eek:

Well, Orange, I want to express to you how much I feel for you.
AS you said, you signed papers for adopting the children in case of... Usually, someone signs those papers without imagining something could really happen. Unfortunately, it did.
There will of course be some difficult times with the kids : their parents are gone, it will be tough on them, and when they'll be teenagers, you may hear stuff like " shut up, you're not my mother ". But in the end, these kids love you for what you've already done, and for what you will do.
Of course, I think it won't be very easy with giving birth soon, but now you should focus on your family and enjoy life as much as possible. That's a humbling lesson.

I am not mentioning the following to give you a lecture, but just to prove that I understand ( I am 24, besides ):
My grandsparents ( dad's parents, sole child ) committed suicide in May. It was a shock for me (and my dad of course). After that, there were difficult times, but now I've learned that some things do matter, and others do not.
I used to yell at my husband for some things he would do ( or not do... ). Now I don't. I'm like: that's not what matters.

Feel free to send me private messages if you'd like more personal support.
Best wishes for a brighter future to you and your husband.

I have confidence that you will be wonderful "adoptive" parents, Chava. Your brother-in-law and his wife would not have chosen you if they did not believe that. The children will be lucky to have you and Alex in their lives. I know it is hard, but you love them and things will fall into place. Have faith.

Your going to be wonderful. Do not worry so much. Yes, it will be challenging at times and there are things to work through. Be positive and except help whenever you need it.

Joe

Thanks catseyes and mrs. pennell... I'm glad you have faith in me because right now Alex and I sure don't have very much faith in ourselves! I'm 26, and I suddenly feel VERY young to be doing all of this... but oh well like you guys say, it will likely all work out for the best. And I DID want a big family... 4 or 5 kids... I just never thought I'd be getting my wish so soon. Anyway it's sad for the kids, so sad... it's funny because I still feel really, really unreal about Sam and Rachel being gone. I still expect them to come back. But at the same time I feel very sad for the children. I hope I don't spoil them because of it, either. At least I have this entire week (during the shiva) to be with the children and have them get a little used to us. During shiva all the relatives stay in one house together and don't leave even for a walk or shopping. So we are "cooped up" together for the whole week, and the kids have actually claimed my bed and are sleeping with me, with poor Alex banished to the couch.

Thanks again for your kind words.


Your going to be wonderful. Do not worry so much. Yes, it will be challenging at times and there are things to work through. Be positive and except help whenever you need it.

Joe


Oh and you, too, Joe! Thanks so much. It feels nice to hear that I will be wonderful! I hope you're right.

I'm sure your on an absolute roller coaster about now but I hope as you catch your breath you'll realize the wonderful blessing that GOD has chosen you and your husband for. He must think you have a lot of love to give to put HIS most precious creations in your hands.I think HE made a perfect choice.:cool: :)

Thanks so much talaniman. I really didn't think of it in terms of us being chosen, but that's actually a really nice thought... you could very well be right! If we were chosen as you say, I certainly hope we live up to the expectation. I have so many doubts right now. But thanks I was really touched by that statement!

Orange, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I just read this. I know your brother-in-laws kids are important but you do need to take care of yourself also for your baby's sake. Try, try, try to get some sleep. Take as much help as you can get. Wow, I know this must be very hard. I am so glad to hear they got the papers signed and everything so the kids could be taken care of. You will do fine. My prayers are with you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I am very sorry to hear of you loss

Orange, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I just read this. I know your brother-in-laws kids are important but you do need to take care of yourself also for your baby's sake. Try, try, try to get some sleep. Take as much help as you can get. Wow, I know this must be very hard. I am so glad to hear they got the papers signed and everything so the kids could be taken care of. You will do fine. My prayers are with you.

I am still having trouble with sleeping, but I was able to get about 6 hours last night, and during the day there's not much to do because of the shiva, so I've been lying on the couch a lot and today I even had a nap. So I think I'm getting a little more rest. Thanks for your concern, I'm a bit worried about the baby too!

Thanks to you as well, cgirl. I appreciate it!

O,

Time, patience and much love will bring your new acquired family into a solid united circle, am sure of it.

You have several advantages:

1 The children and you are already family, so the transition from aunt to mom will not take that long.

2 You have been offered financial help which will surely remove monetary problems and aid towards a smooth transition.

3 Your maternal instincts will awaken the moment your child is born. That instinct will calm and allay your fears.


Wishing you a safe journey home,

Irulan

Thanks Irulan. Those are all very practical and positive advantages, which I wasn't really thinking about. My mind is still pretty much muddled and the exhaustion is really sinking in now, but I very much appreciate the confidence you and everyone else has shown in me.

As a kind of update, I actually slept in until 1 pm today! I made Alex sleep in the bed with the children, and I took a spare bedroom with a single bed, locked the door and pulled down the drapes. It was great. I haven't slept that long for quite a few days now. I still feel very tired, but one more night of sleeping so well and I should be back to my normal sleeping pattern. I had strange nightmares though, so that was pretty disturbing.

The shiva is going well, but we're all tired and anxious for it to be over I think. It's hard to be cooped up in the house for such a long period, especially with the weather being so nice outside. Visitors are coming and going all day, and every evening about 35-40 members of the congregation come over to help us say kaddish. The 5 children (our 2 plus our other sister-in-law's 3) basically run wild through the house for most of the day. At least they wear themselves out enough so that they get to sleep at a decent time. Anyway the whole thing is very overwhelming.

I feel like kind of a cold person because I still haven't cried. I am very sad though, and I've never been much of a crier. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

I see the use of 'our' when referring to the children; that is an excellent beginning!!

About not crying, don't worry, you will later when you are at home and you can grieve without the public display or the mass of people around. Shiva is public and stressing; it leaves one no time for private grieving.

Don't feel that you are cold, lack of tears now is most probably due to the stress, it is your body protecting you from the tension for now. You have had a double shock, and the body has a tendency to self protect at such times.

Thanks Irulan. That makes me feel a little better. I was starting to think I was a really bad person, because I still haven't cried and right now my mind is occupied with all kinds of practical details, like us flying home next week, the new pets that the kids will be bringing with them and how they will get along with our current pets, the new house we need to buy, as ours is too small for (soon to be!) 3 kids plus 5 pets, parenting the kids, activities for them, nearby schools, etc, etc... my mind is racing. I've always been "cool in a crisis" while everyone else is falling apart around me. Sometimes it makes me feel a little inhuman.

You're certainly right about shiva. I'm very anxious for it to be over. Thanks again for your support.

If it makes you feel a little better... I have 5 pets right now and its not as hard as it sounds. I'd say your husband is thankful that you are good under pressure, I'm sure right now he needs that. :)

Oh thanks Mrs. Pennell... yeah Alex said he was glad when he married me that I am so "low maintenance". Err. But it's true, I'm really quite calm most of the time regardless of what's going on around me.

What 5 pets do you have? Our new zoo consists of 2 guinea pigs, a siamese cat and 2 labs, one yellow and one chocolate.

I have one very stubborn husky mix puppy, two cats and two bunnies! Based on my experience, I would say the guinea pigs will be the most time consuming of all 5! You'll have to clean their cages and whatnot...

It's a zoo here too! But I wouldn't have it any other way. :D I guess you'll be going home soon?

Based on my experience, I would say the guinea pigs will be the most time consuming of all 5! You'll have to clean their cages and whatnot...

Ugh yeah... guinea pigs. I never thought I'd be having those little squeakers again. They are very cute but you're right, a ton of work. Since there's 2 of them in one cage, I think it will need to be cleaned daily. But hopefully, since the pigs are the children's pets, they will help with the cleaning and eventually learn to do it all themselves.


I guess you'll be going home soon?

Funny you should say that, because we were supposed to stay a few more days, but then the hospital called and Alex's replacement for Monday can't cover for him after all. So Alex wants to fly home tonight, so he has Sunday to recouperate a bit before going back to work. I could stay longer, but since he's going, I really want to leave too... so it looks like we're all going back late tonight! Originally, the children were going to stay with their grandparents for a couple of weeks while we prepared for them. But we had a family meeting 2 nights ago and everyone agreed it would be easier on the children to go now. Their original house is going to get packed up and stuff auctioned off, etc, so it's best if they don't see that happening. All their possessions are being sent to us in a moving van. Anyway I'm very excited to be leaving. Usually I love Vancouver, but because of the shiva we haven't been able to go outside at all, and I am tired of being cooped up.

I don't blame you for being tired of having to stay in the one house. I don't really know much about sitting shiva, but I am sure that it is stressful being having to stay inside all week with grieving family members. Sometimes you just need a break! How are the children holding up? This must be very difficult for them but they are young and adaptable.

Good luck travelling home with them, and finding a new home. I know you must be disappointed that you aren't moving into the house you just bought but I'm sure things will work out.

And with regards to the guinea pigs: I think you definitely have the right idea by getting the children to help out with their cages. Eventually they can take over responsibility altogether... that should make things easier!

Take care,

Robyn

Hi Robyn! Don't think I knew your name before today...

Yes shiva is hard work. You stay inside with all the family for a week, and you're not allowed to do any work or cooking, or have any really enjoyable recreation. Visitors bring food and anything else you need. Basically you just sit around all day and visit with people, sleep or eat. I understand the significance of it for mourning, but I'm sure Sam and Rachel woulldn't care for us driving each other crazy for the week. I think if I ever have to sit shiva in my own home I'm going to modernize it a bit.

The children are doing as well as can be expected. They cry off and on, and have nightmares, but mostly they've been fairly calm. During shiva they have basically been allowed to do whatever they want and run wild through the house. I have a feeling there's going to be a total meltdown once we get back to our house and settle into a routine and rules. I can hardly wait! :eek:

Thanks for the travel wishes. We leave for the airport in a couple of hours, and I am really pumped! I just had a funny thought... we are both Canadians, but here I am in Vancouver, practically the very western edge of the country, and you are on very eastern edge, haha. It's just after 7 pm here, and I imagine it's 12:30 am there? Wow we live in such a big country!

Well as an update, we are back home again, got in VERY late last night, but everything went well. Everyone, including the children, slept in until 10 am, so that was great. Alex surprised me by making a big breakfast of pancakes and sausages. Then we went to pick up Murphy at the kennel, brought him home and introduced him to his new dog pal Cuddles. Then all hell broke loose, as the dogs absolutely loved each other and went tearing around the house playfighting (and they are BIG dogs!), and the children went tearing around, too. I banished the dogs to the backyard, and Alex took the kids tobagganing for the afternoon so I can rest. He really is a great husband, I feel very lucky!

So I'm just trying to take it easy for the rest of the day. Alex said he will pick up take out for supper too. Usually I am very health conscious but today I don't care. It's great to be home, even though we will be moving again within the month!

Sounds like things will be okay once everything settles down. It's great that the dogs are getting along okay. Tobagganing was a really wonderful idea on Alex's part. That will tire the kids out AND they get to have some fun!

And yeah, we do live in a huge country. I lived in B.C. for awhile and it was hard to get used to the time change when I called home! Have you ever been to Newfoundland?

No I've never been to any of the Atlantic provinces. Quebec is as far east as I ever travelled in Canada. Newfoundland looks great though, from pictures and films I've seen. I'd really love to go there sometime. I love the Pacific Ocean, and I'd like to see the Atlantic too, and compare! I'm especially intrigued by Labrador, actually. When all the children are a bit older, I think a vacation to the Newfoundland and Labrador would be awesome.

Hi Orange: Just Thinking of you today, Hope All is Well. Keep Yourself Busy until New Baby comes. Do You Know the sex, or are you just waiting to see? Fondly, your Jr. member friend. Have a good time anyway..

Thanks 31pumpkin. My baby is a boy, and he's due in mid-June. We're thinking we want to name him Noah, although we may change our minds still at the last minute. The actual due date is Father's Day so it will be cool for my husband if the baby arrives exactly on time. Actually though I haven't had much time to relax or think about it lately, as the other 2 children are keeping me busy, and we are still looking for new house. We have to find one by May 1.

Dear Chava!
I only stumbled upon this thread yesterday, and I was so very very sad to res about it, and also, a little bit ashamed of having told you just how wonderful it would be for you to be "absorbed" by your first pregnancy, and enjoy every minute, while at that time you already had 2 other small children on your hands.
Well, at lest your first child will grow with 2 siblings, and in the long run it will do him good.
Good luck, and my deepest and most sincere condolences to you and Alex.
By the way, I think you cope in a most wonderful way.
I wish you all the best luck!
Millie

Thanks millie. Don't worry about the pregnancy thing... I am still enjoying it, in spite of everything else! And far as coping... well, I think I've been "blessed" with the ability to deal with things well. I think because I was in several foster homes growing up. When you're in foster care, you either have to learn to deal, or you go crazy or start taking drugs. There's really no middle ground.