A few of you know abit of my history. But for a quick re-cap - I'm married, been with my husbands for a long time now.

All is good, quite a healithy relationship. I am 29 and I have been getting brody for the last year or so. My lifestyle is quite hectic, I like to drink and party at wkends after a long week at work, but I'm so ready to quit all that once I have kid.

About 3 days ago I heard that an old school friend had a baby girl, then my husband told me his boss' wife is pregnant with her 2nd child, and Wed one of closet friends told me she is pregnant. Im so happy for all of them. That night I was home alone, as husband was working late. I was thinking and thinking about our life and what I want. I WANT kids. SOON.

Yesterday I decided to speak to my husband about it and from a conversation it ended up in an argument.
I expressed that I want kids soon. I'm not so young anymore. He said he wants kids but I need to be in employment for 2 yrs to get maternity leave. I was like what the f**K :eek: seriously!! LIke I'm thinking about work at the stage. He said I should have thought about it before I quit my term job 1 yr ago to start a better career. HOw cheecky! He said on his salary we will never afford a kid, pay mortgage, and bills etc.
He said we can't cope with it and manage in the country we live in!

He can be so stupid sometimes. Really not manly.
Im sad upset disappointed.
I can see my fairytale story - I never had a white big wedding, no honeymoon and now I'm not going to have children.

Am I over reacting?
Or he is being selfish?

Someone please :(

Also financailly I am the bread winner. He once suggested I go back to work after I'm pregnant and he stays at home with kids...
But I am the women I dreamt of this all my life, how can he seriously believe id want to do that!

Does no one have any input on this

I don't think he is unreasonable. I too got pregnant. 1 year before maternity leave was possible and had a baby, a new home and no job. Fast forward. Baby is going to kindergarten this September amd I now am the only holder of a masters degree who is unemployable due to my lack of experience, age, and school time schedule of my son. p.s. haven't had a job in 51/2 years. You are young waiting 1 more year is not a bad option

You think?
People told me its not wise to have your first child in your 30's and there can be complications.

Yes you are considered an older mom. I was 33. But many women are having babies over 40.

But I still wonder if when I'm 30 31 oe 32 he will still say we can't afford to kids!
Its heartbreaking.

Maybe you should rethink your relationship. You seem to be doing a lot of compromising and are not happy. Just keep in mind if you decide to leave it will be even longer to have a baby.. this is one of the areas that should have been discussed prior to your wedding day

Well we did discuss this prior to our wedding day!
He did tell me he wanted kids, but always expressed an interest that we are financially stable before we have kids, and have abit of our mortgage paid off.

I am doing a lot of compromising and I'm getting no where.

Time to see a marriage counselor

Is that what this comes down to? :(

That's up to you

I know!

Does anyone else have any input in this?

I know I talk harsh, but I assume you can take it or you wouldn't be out here asking for feedback. So, here it is.

It is incredibly short-sighted to look at you're life and calling it "getting nowhere".
It is incredibly selfish to base your 'happiness' over it strictly over whether you get to do it in the next year or not.
Your man didn't say "no", but that's all you heard.
Your man didn't say "never", but you're acting like he did.
This is YOUR MAN telling you that something as critically important as parenthood cannot (will not?) be messed up by lack of funds or preparation. He knows how much will fall to him and he says you two can't afford it.

Setting your feelings on the issue aside, is he right? Can you pay all of your bills current bills, all of the new expenses associated with a child, medical expenses, whatever... on his income alone? I'm not asking you to guess, I'm asking you if you have done the math?

And don't forget your emergency fund. Having the mortgage paid down is a great, understable goal, but what about emergencies? You need several months worth of expenses saved up "just in case" something happens to his job.

He's trying to be smart about this, you're just whining. You have 10-15 years before you need to start "worrying". Honor your man and what he is actually saying. Stop making it into more negative version if that's NOT what he said. OK?

I needed that thanks
But I'm not whinning! Im just upset because you are right - I did just hear NO.

I know he is right at the moment we arnt financially stable to have a baby!

But when we spoke of it - he sounds so negative and down! Im nit making it more negative - my being exact
And would hate to have a life without kids. I don't want to be older than 35 when I have my first child. I want to enjoy my kids. I lost my dad when I was 22 and my brother was 16 so maybe I'm being pesimistic but I'm thinking about the future.
As well I want to have energy

If two years at the job with eligibility for maternity leave is the criteria, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will meet that and then you are going to start trying. Tell him if at that time he still thinks you can not afford a child, he had better get a second job. For me the biggest expense was child care. With all that you give up to have a child, it was very affordable.

Start putting child care money aside each month just as good measure to assure you and your spouse you can do this with careful budgeting.

Good luck. I had both my children after 30 with flawless pregnancies and outcomes. Relax. Make this your goal and you will achieve it.

Thank you :)
Its good to hear it from a mother who had kids in her 30's :)
Gives me hope

first... you need to be a LOT more patient on these boards. You've posted here before many times, but here you are continually asking "anyone?", "help", etc... it is a little childish and distracts from the thread. You question posted at 2AM my time, when some people are in deep sleep.

some threads need a few days to play out and get the exposure needed. Please be more patient.

you both need to find some middle ground. Being financially more stable before having kids isn't an irresponsible plan. Knowing your wife wants kids sooner than later and not setting up a plan together is irresponsible, or at least just asking for another fight.

you both need to come to some middle ground. As long as he says "we cant"... you won't. As long as you attack his manhood and place feelings before financial planning, its not going to fly.

don't know the issues behind the fairytale wedding or honeymoon you never had, but it smacks of long standing resentment that you cannot let go. You need to deal with this. You state you are "the woman" as if that means you should be caretaker of the child without any financial concerns. Look... I'm not trying to attack you at all... I think it's a great thing when a parent gets to stay with the child, at least for the first years until school... but it takes planning... yours and his... and somewhere along the way you two didn't make a plan, you just talked about ideas.

he needs to be willing to find a way to mesh his desire to be more financially set and still meet your needs. You say that you are the "breadwinner"... but it sounds like he works as you mention his stating his paycheck is too small.

OK... you both can talk all you want... don't use emotions to solve the "can we afford it" noise, use numbers. Set up a spreadsheet that shows all your fixed expenses and reasonable variable expenses, what discretionary money you have after all of these common expenses, what would be available without your paycheck.

that part of the argument isn't about manhood or selfishness. Its about dollars and cents. Numbers. So do the numbers and find out what the truth is. If you don't like the truth, what can you do to get where you want to be? If partying all the time is something you are willing to give up once the child is here, how much money are you tossing away now without preparing for the child?

people have kids all the time when they are not expecting or planning to. It can be done. It might mean a different life than you want or a different standard of living. After my son was born we certainly made some financial sacrifices.

so... he is afraid of issues with money. Fine. Deal with it with numbers on a page. Figure out the truth. Then you can decide what is next.

at this point he doesn't have a plan other than "we need more money" and you don't have a plan other than "he should make this happen"

Hey I believe that, He is right! Your hubby is right! Whenever you can't afford a child, you shouldn't do it! Because your kids will need something which must be seplied and if you don't seply those, that would not be enjoyable! If you want really really a kid! You must afford that.
I'm a 17 year old boy, my father could n't afford one kid, but I don't know why he did that, I now have lots of problem about money, I should think of my education, money,
Because of this I'm sad of my dad, why he didn't planned for a child?
[email protected]

time to see a marriage counselor tell him kids don't cost as much as he thinks, but either way I think you should see a marriage counsler.

First, you will never ever have a perfect time to have a child! Even if you wait for a year or two, something else will come up.

What I think is, the perfect time to have a baby is when BOTH are ready, not when the second mortgage is paid off, not when you are earning more money, not for anything.

I don't think 30 is too late.

If your husband has offered to be a stay home dad while you become the bread winner, I don't see anything wrong in that, but yes, it also depends on your comfort level. Again, you both have to agree.

I maybe wrong, but what I understood from your post is, you thought one night hard about having a baby and then you talked to your husband. So he got thrown off which is expected. Men need time to get prepared to be a dad (at least my husband does).

Have open ended conversation with him when he is in good mood. I am sure you will work it out.

This is strictly a math exercise now. You know you've got a year for your maternity eligibility. In that 12 months you can get all the work done to make this feasible.

But you have to write it down. Keeping it all in your head means it's an exercise in frustration. In writing, it's a simple math exercise. You'll know when you've solved the problem when the math is solved.

You can get pregnant and still work for another 8-10 months, depending on your job. So if you wait 1 year to start, that's really almost 2 years of work time to put money aside, isn't it?

The baby needs to be a certain age before you consider child-care, so decide that age, too. Now you know how long you have to prepare.

This next part is NOT a punishment. This is the step that makes all your goals attainable.

Monthly Budget
Rent/Mortgage
Food
Transportation
Clothing
Utilities
Insurance(s)
Charity
Credit repayment (zero???)
Entertainment
Savings

Write out your budget for LAST month. Use the chart above as a basis. Write down what you spent last month's money on. Track it all. Give a name to every dollar if you can.

Now do the same thing for next month, trying to guess what it will be based on what you did last month.

At the end of next month, see how accurate you were.

Now, you're ready. Adjust your monthly expenses ONLY in the areas that a baby will cost more. That's food and clothing. What's your new budget? You may need to research the diaper costs and such.

Now figure out your onetime costs:
Medical costs + clothes + house preparation = onetime costs getting ready

Now you have all the info you need. Compare your budget above to his income. Surprise! Now you have an actual number that represents the problem that has to be solved.

If the number is negative, you have 20 months to save up the difference (divided over all those months) or arrange some alternate income.

His boss might be interested to know he's only $300 a month away from being able to afford a baby. Men with kids are more reliable employees!

And, there is the off chance you are both wrong and the MATH will show you that you CAN afford to get pregnant.

It's a simple math exercise. Tell me how it turns out.

Thanks for all your words

Well we had a chat and came down to - yes we will try for kids!
Then I asked him if he thinks illbe a great mom and he said yes you will make a good mom :s

Then he added that he believes I wouldn't cope well as a mummy!

I really took that to heart!

When I asked why he just didn't reply!

First if I were you I would work until you get the medical benefit at work

I had my babies at 29, 31, 32 and 33 no problems due to my age.
Many women are having babies in their late 30's, early 40's

Also when working out a budget you have to consider daycare/babysitter vs one of you staying home or you working a day job/ him a night job type thing. Daycare is really expensive. Many couples are realizing that between the daycare and the transportation to get to work it doesn't pay for both to work so the one with the less income is staying home.

Many people think they have to have a $60, + income to have a family
But I had 4 kids and lived on under 1,200 a year
I bought just about everything second hand,
Used coupons,
And when you need a new vehicle you can find decent ones around $2,000.

Hi Fower 81,

29 is still young for children, so don't worry on that score, my boss has just had her 4th by her third marriage at the age of 38,every thing was just fine, I know things can be difficult as you get older but I'm talking much older, say 40's, you have a long way to go and no you don't want to wait that long I know, however my sister in law had both her girls in her mid 40's and they were fine as well.

I think the fact that people around you are having babies makes things much more difficult if your feeling broody.
Maybe when you had the discussion with your husband you were a bit fed up having bin alone with you thoughts all evening, your husband had worked late so he was tired, not an ideal time for such a life changing discussion.
A good idea would be, when you both have had a relaxing day, maybe over a bottle of wine etc... where you can both talk about what it would mean to have a child, it's good points and also the pitfalls.
If you can both do this calmly and sensibly, appreciating each others views, then I'm sure you will come to some sort of compromise.

You've already stated that you have a healthy relationship, which is great, would a child enhance that relationship? If the answer is yes from both of you then there will be a way forward.

It seems that your husbands initial reaction, was "how are we going to pay the bills" which I have to say is a natual reaction these days, children cost a lot of money.

You don't say how long it would be before you've reached the two year period in your current job, hopefully not to long, you can then if your husband is agreeable try for a child. When the child is born you will receive full pay for a limited time, then perhaps all things being equal you could return to your employment, if not full time, maybe part time for a while.

Going back to my boss, she returned when her baby was 9 months old, thought about a nanny but in the end her Mum looks after the baby the five days that she works. If she had paid for child care, it would still have been worth it because being on salary she still took home a decent wage, perhaps the same would work for you, that way you have the best of both worlds... the child you desparately want and also an income to help with bills etc... or maybe you could work from home.

There are quite a few options open to you when you really think about it, so don't worry I'm sure once you have both sat down and discussed them everything will be just fine .

Goodluck to both of you

I think your husband is being very responsible but is he right on a financial basis?
Do you have a good budget? Have you been able to save any funds?
Maybe you can prove him wrong. But a year shouldn't be very drastic.
My mother was 41 when I was born.

I had my first child at 19 talk about not finacially ready, but I didn'thavemore till I was 26 twins:) still not financially ready! Have you ever heard the exspression if you wait till you have the money you'll never do it? My children are 16 and 11 and we do very well NOW, but they didn't hold us back. I quit my job after the twins came because with two they need a lot of attention and we struggled for a year until I went back to work. But we never went with out food, never lost our house or a car and we still had a little extra to have a special night about every 6 months.. Just kidding! We did things just not as much eating out and drinking away 100s of dollars a week-end.

I have a great aunt that neverhad children because my uncle said they were not ready, they were NEVER ready. Now she is a bitter 80 year old hermit! Your life can be just as exciting with kids as it has been with out them, nothing is more fun than the first time they say mom, all the parting in the world will never top that.

Your husband will see that. Take him around all those new babies that are around you lethim see the light in the eyes of the parents.

I don't think your overreacting, you just want to reach your dreams. If you are at a stage in life where you can afford it, you should. Of course he needs to agree. Continue to talk to him and let him know what it means to you.

Children do sometimes require two incomes though so maybe suggest an option where you both can work and take shifts watching the kids while the other works.