It hasn't been long since my last post but now I need you guys more than ever...

My mom called me today to tell me she had a BABY!
No! Not "I'm pregnant" BUT "I had a baby!"

I am completely furious and I feel helpless!

First let me say that I am the oldest of 5 there's 2 other girls and 2 boys and they are 18, 16,15 and 10... My mom isn't married and has had strings of bad relationships... the father of this new child is a man that she's been dating off and on for at least 5 years in which she supported him and he never formed any type of relationship with us (My siblings and I). We just saw him coming in late at night and leaving in the morning (he did move in a couple of times but it never lasted long)

I want to cut this story short but there's just so much history...
I'm mainly upset because she didn't woman up and let us know she was pregnant until she came home with a baby and I'm pissed because her and my 18 yr old brother don't get along already(b/c we've all had issues w/ her relationships... she'd put her men before us sometimes and he took it the hardest) and this has made that bad blood surface again...
Basically she left 3 days ago, didn't tell them where she was going (to deliver the baby) and came back with another child and she's now acting as though he (my brother) should have welcomed her home with open arms...
She got mad because my brother was on the phone telling me that she lied to me when she said she told them that she was in the hospital... she rushed into his bedroom and took the phone away from him and started to hit him saying she already apologized for the situation but she did tell him she was in the hospital she only left out the part about the baby because she didn't want to tell him over the phone...

I know she feels stupid for this whole thing (as she should) but it's like she's picking a fight with my brother just to be right about something... but the fact is She can't afford another child and she didn't even have the guts to tell anyone until she delivered...

This stuff and more just happened TODAY! I just feel so helpless, because I don't live near my family so I just can't drive over to help my siblings out, I wish that I could take them in but I cant... I want my siblings to have a better life than my mom is providing... she's already struggling to take care of the 4 she has at home now and she has added another child to this! She's so careless and I know I sound like I have no compassion but I didn't vent this to her and I need to vent it to someone..

How can I advocate for my brother and other siblings in this situation, How can I make it better for them?

If she is actually "hitting" them, report her to children and family services, And I am sure there are 100's of reasons she should not have a child but she does. And there is little you can do

Stop and think about this situation from your mom's perspective. Apparently there's anger, hurt, mistrust, dysfunctionality and whatnot for a long time. I'm sure she didn't do all these things and continues to do the striking out because she is healthy and wants to do the right thing... she has issues that probably stem back from a long time ago.

Given that, I don't think she's being overt just to get you or your siblings angry. She probably doesn't know how to muster up and correct her life, or if she does, she feels a contradiction within herself.

Help her to help herself. Be there for her. Be kind and gentle in time of greatest chaos. You might feel she doesn't deserve it, but you deserve to be the kind of person your mother isn't for your family. Lead the way.

How did you not know she was pregnant

how did you not know she was pregnant

I don't live at home and I don't go home as often as I used to just because we get along better with distance so I call almost every other day and talk to everyone but I just haven't been there in a while... plus my mom is overweight so the last time I saw her about 3 months ago she looked like her normal self... I didn't notice a difference and even though we've been talking a lot she didn't have the courage to tell me, until today

For the baby's sake, please rise above all the debris and, like DaBaAd said, "be the kind of person your mother isn't for your family. Lead the way."

Stop and think about this situation from your mom's perspective.
Lead the way.
I understand what you're saying and
I've tried to see things from her perspective my entire life... yes, I know she has deep wounds from her past because of my gram but it's even more frustrating because she seems to be repeating the same mistakes...
For example: when my mom was about 13 and my aunt was 15 she (their mom) left them for 2 years w/ their grandmother... no one knew where she went or if she was even alive, she showed back up with a baby (my uncle) and expected everything to return to normal but by that time my mom had no respect for her and had begun to "act out"

Trust me, I've tried to have compassion over and over again... who's having compassion for my brothers and sisters, she certainly isn't! That's my Problem!

For the baby's sake, please rise above all the debris and, like DaBaAd said, "be the kind of person your mother isn't for your family. Lead the way."

I'm really trying here... I just want peace for my family. I want my siblings to enjoy there last few years of high school w/o all of the turmoil and emotional duress at home, I want my mom to wise up and get her act together... I want her to see what she's doing to us!

What positive things can you do--for mom, for the baby, for your sibs? And even for yourself?

I don't think I have anything left to give my mom besides respect, to my siblings I can continue to be optimist when talking to them, try to go home more (it's just when I do go home, they always tell me how much they wish they could leave with me and I just leave feeling guilty) but I can send more money this summer so they can have more opportunities to get away I guess... for myself, I just need to stop worrying about problems that are beyond my control...

You can send a congratulatory card to your mom, maybe with your sibs' signatures on it too. You can stay in regular contact with all of them. You sibs can chip in together to give the baby a gift (doesn't have to cost much, but should be nicely wrapped). More?

... I just need to stop worrying about problems that are beyond my control...

You said it best!

Wondergirl... My mom said she found out she was pregnant too far along in the pregnancy to have an abortion so then she was thinking about adoption... I don't know if this is still an option for her since she brought the baby home but My 16 year old sister said that our 10 year sister was very down when she brought the baby home and she(the 10 yr old) was saying mean things about the baby and said she didn't want her (the baby) to be there... She said these things in front of my mom and my mom just laughed (as if it were a laughing matter) and said she didn't care that she was making fun of the baby! So, I don't think it's a situation to be celebrated because my mom doesn't seem to even want the baby... I don't know, there's still so much I haven't said about this situation... so many layers

Today she had the nerve to put my sister (the 16yr. Old) down and make her feel bad because my sis spent most of the day locked away in her bedroom... by the way My sister has been so depressed about the whole thing because my mom told her she was pregnant before she told everyone else so my sister had the pressure of not leaking the info which drove her insane so she feels guilty for not telling us and we explained she shouldn't feel bad but she still does...

My aunt's in town for a couple of days so she and my gram are going to go over tomorrow and talk to her not specifically about the baby but just about how she's attacking my sibs. For no apparent reason... maybe this will help... I've also written her a letter (b/c she doesn't listen in most conversations and gets defensive) to tell her how I feel and how she's putting her anger off on my brother and sister

Wondergirl....My mom said she found out she was pregnant too far along in the pregnancy to have an abortion so then she was thinking about adoption...I dont know if this is still an option for her since she brought the baby home but My 16 year old sister said that our 10 year sister was very down when she brought the baby home and she(the 10 yr old) was saying mean things about the baby and said she didnt want her (the baby) to be there

That's par for the course for a ten-year-old to not want a new baby around, especially since this is a "surprise" baby that your mom just suddenly plopped down into the middle of the family. Your mom is acting out and, by her behavior, is encouraging everyone else to act out. A new baby, despite its origins, should be an exciting thing.

I agree your mom has been and still is handling this very badly. I feel very sad for the poor baby. I hope the other women in your family can help this situation improve. Please keep us informed.

Thanks everyone!
I needed to vent and get my perspective out/heard... you all were so great to me, Thanks!
I wrote my mom a letter and she read it and we talked today and we are on the same page about fixing the situation... My hope is restored!