This is the first time I have been here. I need some serious help.
I have been with my man for 6 years now. My story is long, so I will sum it up to get to the botom line... I feel it deep in my heart that he is cheating on me. He lies to me, he is unavailable all the time, I cannot ever get ahold of him on his cell phone, and when I ask him where he was or what he was doing, he blows up at me and tells me I'm a *****. He says "...and you wonder why I never do anything or go anywhere with you." I promise you this, he has no reason to say that because I do not blow up at him (even though I want to), I do not go "psycho" on him or complain and gripe. I just simply ask him questions-that he obviously does not want to answer. We have three kids-only two are his, but he has been known to be "dad" to the other one since we got together when she was really young. He has been in and out of prison twice, the second time was for violating his probation because he hit the girl he was dating and her step dad pressed charges. I stayed together with him through all of this in hopes that it would show how much I really loved him. I know stupid right? Yes it is, but I thought that by being "perfect" and always being on his side no matter if he was wrong or right would make him love me as much as I loved him. Why did I ever love him? He was not always like this. I fell in love with who he pretended to be and after things changed, I guess I still hoped that he really was that way and maybe he was just going through a phase. I know what I need to do... but I don't have the courage to leave him, and even I don't know why. Any advice is greatly appreciated... thank you.

I see all the signs in your writings of someone on the edge of being emotionally abused and controlled. You can't be perfect none of us can, and he has to love and accept you just the way you are. Often men want women to believe that a lot of the trouble is there fault because they are not good enough, this is a very common situation.

Next he is not wanting to or planning on changing. He it hit his girl friend of some time ago, it is only down the road for him to hit you if he has not already.

Next is he home after work, or does he stay out, when is it you can't get hold of him. A husband and a father has responsibility to be home and taking care of their family after work.

Also you are doing the children more harm having them witness and see this type of relatonship than a separation can ever have on them. They are learning how to be a father and husband from watching his actions and this is the guideline they are learning to live by.

Hi,
My first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, and it was the best thing that happened, as far as the two children were concerned. The constant fighting was really affecting them.
It does seem like you are in a "no-win" situation with him, and it really would be best for you and the children to move out; or tell him to leave; if you financially can.
He probably will NOT go with you to a Marriage Counselor, and try to work this out. So, your only hope is to go talk with a Lawyer, or just stay with him and put it with it for the rest of your life.
I highly suggest the Lawyer. I do wish you the best of luck.

Since your eyes are wide open and you know what you need to do then you've answered your own question. Is there someone you could talk to a preacher an older person or even a counselor to air your feelings and concerns and get some feedback as to how to proceed? You really need someone close and trusted to talk to as soon as possible.:cool:

I understand how you feel. I have been through that feeling before I think it is pretty common. Even though we know change would be the right thing to do it is still very difficult to drastically alter your life. Especially with children in the picture. We tend to stick with what is familiar because we know what to expect in that situation. You are coming into new ground and it's scary as heck.

One thing that finally helped me leave my youngest child's father was to sit down and make yourself a list of all the reasons to stay with that person, and all the reasons to leave. Be honest with yourself in the list and you will see which side has more on it. Also when was the last time you had a great day with him? Heard him say I love you and knew deep in your heart he meant it? Sat around the dinner table as a family and calmly talked about the day's events? Took your kids to the park as a couple and smiled at them playing and laughing? Held hands? Made love till you thought you wouldn't walk for a week :P then just slept in each others arms?

You and your children deserve that type of life and IT IS out there. When I left my youngest son's father I thought for sure I would never find a man willing to love me again. I was already divorced and now had 3 children, plus being overweight and broke. BUT I did, I found someone who not only wanted us but thinks he is the lucky one. If I can find someone to take on my airport's worth of baggage then honey you can to :).

Leave that creep before he inflicts serious emotional and/or physical pain on those kids, get a lawyer and get custody RIGHT AWAY. Then just take some time to get to know yourself again, rediscover things you used to love to do before he started controlling your life like reading, gardening, hiking, museums, or anything else you did for fun that you don't do now cause HE doesn't like to do it. Take time to heal you and your children. Consider therapy for all of you because you can use the support and the kids may need to talk it out with a psychologist so they can move past this mess to.

One day when you and the children are ready for it the right guy will come along and you will be SOOO glad you dumped this loser.

I know you don't know me but if you ever need to talk I would be more than willing to listen, my email addy is on my profile :)

Bottom line, do you really want to be with a man who treats you this way?. NO! Find someone with the qualities you are looking for in a relationship. Why in the world would you want/love a person who treats you this way I will never know. Good luck.

First of all he does sound like a man with a guilty conscious. Second like someone else stated above, it seems as though you know what he's all about and now you need to make a decision about it. You can't change someone, they have to be willing to change for themselves before they can for someone else. He doesn't sound like he wants to or will change.

I's move on - you've seen enough of this man for the rest of your life. I doubt it gets any better.

He DOESN'T respect you. You DON'T trust him. Without trust and respect you have nothing - zero.

The thing that you have to do in a relationship while it is in "crisis" it figure out A) the severity of the situation B) what the relationship REALLY means to you C) your options other than the relationship that you are in. True relationships have their problems, and that in itself should never be a reason to bail if it is meaningful. The thing is, you don't HAVE to be with someone, you should WANT to be with someone. Weigh your options, comfront about the issue, and take it from there. Right now all you have is "a feeling", validate or dismiss it, then go from there.

Generally, if you feel they are cheating, 90% of the time the are - you have the gut feeling, and they usually are.

Dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when I replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. Many things will improve when you do.
Take care,
And write , this will help as well.
Millie :)

dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when i replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. many things will improve when you do.
Take care,!
and write , this will help as well.
Millie :)
This is the very first time I ever posted here, which was a couple of months ago. Right now I don't see how leaving this guy will make things any easier-he is about to go to prison again, we will know Thursday of this week. I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.
What are you scared of?
Him going to prison? You being alone?
How he's going to treat you until Thursday?
Are you working?
Can you provide for yourself and the kids?
With him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) I know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and I mean for free.
If you can get such help, make do it!
For how long is he going to prison?
In any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
The fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? What will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. You know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
You love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
I'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
I'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie

What are you scared of?
him going to prison? you being alone?
how he's going to treat you until Thursday?
are you working?
can you provide for yourself and the kids?
with him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) i know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and i mean for free.
if you can get such help, make do it!
for how long is he going to prison?
in any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
the fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? what will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. you know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
you love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
i'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
i'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie
Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other. I don't know if he is going to prison, he probably is, we will find out on Thurs. My oldest daughter doesn't really see him as "dad"-he has just been the only male role model in her life ever since she was very little. They don't really have a close bonded relationship. Kids are 8,4, and 18 mo. (two girls and one boy) Daycare sucks up all of my money. I'll figure something out, I always do-I"m just sick of it you know?

Depressed in MO,

Not sure why you keep supporting this guy? He has no redeeming qualities.

You need to get that guy out of your life. He WILL be a terrible influence on your kids life.

No offense, but didn't I say he was going to jail? That's where he was going to end up.

This guy is bad news, he will never change. How do you stay with him?

You should have nothing to do with him. I mean, after all you told me - I see nothing good about this guy

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other.

Feell free to PM me whenever you need,
Millie :) :) :)

I suspect that being away from him will be the best thing for you! He doesn't sound like the best role model for your kids any way. I know you love this guy ,but I feel being on your own, working through your own life without the added stress would be great for your peace of mind and self esteem especially once you find out you're a great person on your own. You just need a little help so a counselor and a doctor may help more than you think. Its OK to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)

. Its ok to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)
Hi _ It's me, again - I agree with Talaniman about being scared when you're alone, but even though it's only virtual presence, we're still here to help you with the moral support net, and WE DO CARE!
Millie

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I feel the same way.
I don't know for sure if he is going to jail or not, but he very well could. I will know on Thursday. These past few days he's been the best as he ever could be, but I can't find it in myself to go along with it because I keep dwelling on the past. It's real hard, nobody understands that.

She has no reason to love this guy. She needs to tell the whole story here. Then you will really understand. I am sorry, it's a really bad story and she needs to move on immediately. There is no reason for her to support this guy - literally none. He doesn't love her either, lies, cheats, steals.

I'm scared, very scared. I'm scared of never having anything, I'm afraid that I've ruined my life and there is no turning back. I'm worried about being alone and unhappy and my kids never being able to have anything because I can't make enough money on my own-I'm worried about them only having a mother and not a father-I worry that no one will ever give it a chance to see who I really am and what I am really about because I have children (wonderful, beautiful children). They are so innocent, it's not fair to them if I were to just think of myself at this point. I'm afraid of letting him go, him ending up successful (ex: nice cars, house, beautiful women, etc.) and I'm out here struggling-with my children. I'm only 25 years old. I know what people on the outside think-like when I am in grocery stores, or shopping at a department store-they think Oh god there is another one on welfare. That's just not me-hell I wish I could get some welfare, but I don't qualify. I know, I know-it's only what I think about myself-well the truth is-no matter how I may think of myself-If I were someone else looking at me from the outside-I would think the same thing (about what a loser I am for being so young and having brought children into the world and still not a clue in the world as to what I should have done in the first place)... Now tell me all the answers to that-and I just might have faith in something. But I already know-there are no answers.

There ARE answers!
Tell us more about your talents, your drerams, your aspirations,what are you doing for a living, any family you can reach out to?
Stop considering him!
If you get away from him, you'll save yourself AND your children
If he has big cars - you exactly how how's got them (I GUESS) not really in a honest way - otherwise - why prison.
Beautiful women - what's it to you? Even if they put a public show of a happy couple, you know how it's really like at home
A father?
He's ANYTHING but that. Better without than with - he'll have a terrible influence on your kids!
Do all you can to get away and stay away. Write more so that maybe, all of us together can find ways you might not see because of the situation you're in.
I really care and I'm sure so do the others.
Millie

I just feel sad that you hang on to this guy. And he I know he is full of crap.

Ok-more about today-or last night rather. We have been waiting on a phone call back from the police (for yet another stupid pridicament he got himself into just last weekend). I have been pacing the floors and worrying myself to death over this-him as well. Well they call, he goes outside, he is on the phone for a half an hour. It's storming outside... He finally comes in and I ask him what he's doing-he said he's storm watching... OK, whatever. Then I ask him who he was talking to all that time, and he said he talked to his sister after he talked to the police. His sister? I got upset about that. Should I not have? I just thought we were closer than that and it hurt my feelings that he did not confide in me at least first. I am the one who he wants to take care of everything if he goes to prison, I am the one who always takes care of him when he goes. Why does he always put me last?I feel like he is hiding something from me because this is not what he would normally do. Well, my question is... Should I have not gotten upset about that? Or am I being selfish? Because for some reason, I feel kind of bad for getting upset-like maybe I shouldn't have. I still don't know what the police said to him... but his sister does. I feel sick.

I would feel sick too. And you're not being selfish, you just don't give enough consideration to yourself, you LET him push you around - I'm more and more convinced that you need HELP to build up some self esteem.
You must some a counsellor FAST
Take care of yourself,
Millie

I would feel sick too. and you're not being selfish, you just don't give enough consideration to yourself, you LET him push you around - i'm more and more convinced that you need HELP to build up some self esteem.
you must some a counsellor FAST
take care of yourself,
Millie

This morning he reminded me of how he has been coming home early lately and trying to do good-but I know he is only doing it temporarily because he might go to jail. How can I feel good about it? I don't know-should I just take the goodness that he is so called trying to do and be happy with it? I just don't trust that it will last. After he said all that he mentioned that even when he does good I am never satisfied. That really hurt. So when I tried to tell him that I knew he was only being "good" because he thought he was about to go to prison he was like "no it's because I want to be" and then he said "I don't want to talk about it anymore". I know it in my heart that he will be back to his old ways completely if he finds out he is NOT going to jail. I mean there is always that possibility that he won't, but.. who am I kidding?

He is NOT good.
People are'nt good/bad the way you toss a coin.
WHY are you still there? You obviously began to see through him - don't let him delude you anymore
Millie

He looked like his feelings were hurt this morning. The first thing he asked me this morning was if I meant what I said last night (I told him about how I felt about what he did with the police situation). I told him I meant most of it. Why do I feel bad? You know when you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel guilty about something? I feel that way. Maybe I could have handled it better, but I just have so much anger and resentment towards him. Maybe he is really trying, but I can't seem to let go of the past.

he is NOT good.
people are'nt good/bad the way you toss a coin.
WHY are you still there? you obviously began to see through him - don't let him delude you anymore
millie
In reply to your last message, I only have to stress what I've just said, and add that he's manipulating you.
Get a counsellor fast.
Millie

Why on earth do you care about this guy? I STILL don't get it? You must enjoy the drama AND the MASSIVE amount of hurt he has brought. This guy should be kicked to the curb immediately. He plays you like a fiddle with his FAKE emotions. Ughhhhhhhh! I don't get it.

HI,
This guy is using you.
At 25 yrs old, with children, have you considered trying to better yourself at a job? Maybe take some night courses, or skills training? To get a better job?
I do know about not being on wellfare cause you don't qualify; had a friend who tried, but made too much money!
Check around in your local area, see what kind of training or skills classes you might attend. Since I don't know what you do for a living, it's hard to make suggestions.
But meantime, you do NOT need this person in your life. Things will not get better until you decide you want them to be better. Make a change today; you CAN do it.

I make too much money too Fred. (according to the government) Actually, I make nice money, but I have three children and day care costs take up a lot of my paycheck. I have plenty of training and experience-infact I just got a new job a little over a month ago (data analyst) so I am already on top of that.I've been to college and all that stuff-I just can't seem to get ahead.
So anyway that is what I currently do for a living.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone talking with me and trying to help me. I already know what I need to do, and eventually I will do it. My main purpose for coming here and talking about my situation is to help me make my decision final. Discussing certain situations will help me determine if I'm doing things wrong before I make the final decision to leave. I don't want to make a mistake that I can't turn around.

I

I already know what I need to do, and eventually I will do it. .

Dear,
Don't linger TOO long!
Good luck!
Millie:)

I know it might piss some of you off to hear some of my stories. But I feel like this little lost hopeless puppy. My heart is so huge and easily broken. I'm a big softie. I can't just stop loving someone. I know I need to Kick the dude to the curb, I know. But there is some kind of force holding me down telling me to not do it. At least not yet.

DIO - I know for a fact that you are a huge Sweetheart. This guy doesn't deserve any loving. AND NOW, of course that he is in MASSIVE amounts of trouble - PROBABLY MORE than you know... he is all nice and needy... yet he STILL lies to you about it.

Actually, I am not sure I am of a worse boy friend.

I know it might piss some of you off to hear some of my stories. But I feel like this little lost hopeless puppy. My heart is so huge and easily broken. I'm a big softie. I can't just stop loving someone. I know I need to Kick the dude to the curb, I know. But there is some kind of force holding me down telling me to not do it. At least not yet.
It makes me sad to read your story, you need to make a decision and take that leap!
just don't wast your life.
he's using you when he needs you and takes advantage of your love and kindness
I just want to help you - I can listen as long as you need, but you must look reality straight in the eyes.
it's hard for us to acknowledge that we have to give up, it might make as if we failed, while we actually haven't- he's the one who failed, because he didn't value the gem you are, for what you are, and wasn't capable to cherish you as you deserve
he can't cherish anyone, his heart sees only him.
how does he treat his family?
keep on writing and gather all the help you can think of, and that includes us here!
bye dear, write soon
millie

DIO - I know for a fact that you are a huge Sweetheart. This guy doesn't deserve any loving. AND NOW, of course that he is in MASSIVE amounts of trouble - PROBABLY MORE than you know.....he is all nice and needy....yet he STILL lies to you about it.

Actually, I am not sure I am of a worse boy friend.
What do you mean by this last sentence Wildcat?

It makes me sad to read your story, you need to make a decision and take that leap!
just don't wast your life.
he's using you when he needs you and takes advantage of your love and kindness
i just want to help you - i can listen as long as you need, but you must look reality straight in the eyes.
it's hard for us to acknowledge that we have to give up, it might make as if we failed, while we actually haven't- he's the one who failed, because he didn't value the gem you are, for what you are, and wasn't capable to cherish you as you deserve
he can't cherish anyone, his heart sees only him.
how does he treat his family?
keep on writing and gather all the help you can think of, and that includes us here!
bye dear, write soon
millie
Another thing I'm afraid of letting him go is what if he does get upset and cries or begs (or however he may do it) to come back? I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to say no; therefore I wasted a lot of time and money and heartache breaking up with him in the first place.

If he begs and pleads... think about all the crap he's put you through in the past - think about your children, and the emotional damage they might be going through because of your rocky relationship with him.
Children can pick up on things like that - and it does affect them.

You need to be strong - you seem like such a sweet person and you deserve better, and better IS out there. Don't settle for someone who you are unhappy with. Take care of you and your children, and don't let his temporary good behaviour change your mind.

Good luck, I hope all works out for you and your children.

Another thing I'm afraid of letting him go is what if he does get upset and cries or begs (or however he may do it) to come back? I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to say no; therefore I wasted a lot of time and money and heartache breaking up with him in the first place.
You won't like to waste all the energy needed to take that leap- right?
So you won't !
Like Jayjay says: DON'T forget the bad times and what he did to you and your children.
You have to be strong and not to give in
Remember he's begging but it's a show
Have courage and good luck
Millie

What the hell is wrong with me? I get so angry with myself! HOw can there be people like him in this world? Then again, how can there be people like me?I know I am smart, I know I am beautiful-the other day on my way home from work-feeling like crud as I usually do, someone in the car that pulled up next to me rolled down his window and told me that I was very pretty. He has no idea how good that made me feel. And he was very good looking too. I've always depended on the current guy I'm with for myself worth. Problem is he has always treated me like I am not good enough for him. I think that is another reason I am still with him. I can't leave him only to have him think that HE CAN DO BETTER. I'm a good person and I need him to know and respect that no matter what.

What do I mean? I do not know of anyone who has such a louse, scumbag, loser, user, feelings manipulator, liar, chaeter for a boyfriend.

It saddens me to death. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

And now he is using you.

See, you're young... and that 'bad boy' image is such an attraction for you. Why? I don't know.

I know you suffer from low self steem. You can work and fix that. See a therpist.

You keep picking the jerk/bad boys. They don't care about you - they just tell you crap you want to hear to sleep with you.

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?? WHO CARES?? HE'S A LOSER!! HE IS ABOUT TO GO TO JAIL!

Hey I don't mind having a good guy. I would LOVE to have a good guy. Just can't seem to land one. Believe me, I would love to have an Engineer or a doctor or just someone who works everyday no matter what they do-with good moral values. But I feel like it's too late and no one like that would want me because of my history or my current situation. I don't think I'm too wrong on that theory.

I totally disagree. It's the guys your choosing to be with. Now I would not want to be with you if I knew that creep might come around. Step one is eliminating him from your life. No contact - no helping him. I don't think you will do that though - he has something over you and he says jump and you say how high. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

You can move forward once this scum is out of your life. Of course no one would want to be with you if this guys around - he IS the problem - always has been. He's why you are where you are at - it's not you.

You're a sweet heart and there a ton of guys who woul be with you. You just keeping picking the JERKS and BAD BOYS because the turn you on. You can't quite come to terms how horrible these guys are. Losers, thugs etc.

:cool: If you don't know by now you have a lot of people here who love and support you! We know of the good in your heart and the misery in your life. Don't take this wrong but you need to take control of your life to change it. You need actions not words,so I expect you to get help from a professional and get rid of that loser. Only then will life get better. Now get busy our prayers are with you.:cool:

Hey I don't mind having a good guy. I would LOVE to have a good guy. Just can't seem to land one. Believe me, I would love to have an Engineer or a doctor or just someone who works everyday no matter what they do-with good moral values. But I feel like it's too late and no one like that would want me because of my history or my current situation. I don't think I'm too wrong on that theory.


Hi Depressed!!

Even if you find a guy who is successful or who just has a regular 9 to 5 gig, he could still be a loser!! I was married to a very hard working man, but it is still true, he was a loser in other depts.

I totally disagree. Its the guys your choosing to be with. Now I would not want to be with you if I knew that creep might come around. Step one is eliminating him from your life. No contact - no helping him. I don't think you will do that though - he has something over you and he says jump and you say how high. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

You can move forward once this scum is out of your life. Of course no one would want to be with you if this guys around - he IS the problem - always has been. He's why you are where you are at - it's not you.

You're a sweet heart and there a ton of guys who woul be with you. You just keeping picking the JERKS and BAD BOYS because the turn you on. You can't quite come to terms how horrible these guys are. Losers, thugs etc.
I'm telling you-no man is going to want me-even if he is not in the picture. They are going to think I have too much "baggage". I know this, because it has happened to me before, I've been told that. Guys want to have their own kids, or think that they will be pushed into raising my kids or something along the lines of that and I just can't take that kind of rejection. People just don't give chances so easily like that, it would be very hard for me to find someone else, no matter how great of a person I am. Hell, I had a guy break up with me one time because he said I was "too nice". Whatever that means. It was a good thing, actually, for him to do, but it still hurt me. I'm not good with the dating scene-obviously. People don't give me a chance to get to know me, they just want to sleep with me and then if I turn them down, they go on to the next pretty girl. Guys don't want to mess with me because I have too much going on in my life-(kids, responsiblilites)

That is completely untrue. It's been said before in this thread - and I'm going to repeat it - you are just going out with the wrong men.
There are men out there who don't mind that. There are also men out there who have children of their own and are single.
Also, if you give yourself a chance, you'll meet a man who loves YOU, and won't mind that you have children. It has happened a million times before to millions of people, and it will continue happening.

Hint: A positive attitude really helps in these kinds of situations. I know it's difficult, but with time, it will get easier.
Good Luck

"Take a deep breath, count to ten, and tackle each task one step at a time.

-Linda Shalaway"
Hi dear,
I found this on a mail I gat today, and I thought it may help you. Remember that "stair" I wrote you about last week? It's basically the same idea. -by the way: how is your chin?-
You should NOT worry about your next relationship now. Just solve your present problems. "the future is not ours to see"- deal with the present right now. Things will fall in place in their right time. For now, you MUST take care of yourself and your kids.
Take one thing at a time, we're too small to comprehend the whole jigsaw puzzle, and so we must deal only with what we can see right now, other wise we're overwhelmed and paralyzed and we can't accomplish anything.
Be brave!
You are, you know? With what you've out up until now!
BUT you used all your assets to someone else's benefit - unfortunately, someone UNWORTHY of it!
Pick yourself up!
I find you a great person - and believe me, only shallow people will overlook this, and concentrate on all the "external" issues.
I gather you've had enough "shallow" men in your life to recognize them now from safe distance.
(is he in jail?)
You can ALWAYS send a pm to me IF you think I can help.
I'll do my best to encourage you and help.
Millie

"Take a deep breath, count to ten, and tackle each task one step at a time.

-Linda Shalaway"
Hi dear,
i found this on a mail i gat today, and i thought it may help you. remember that "stair" i wrote you about last week? it's basically the same idea. -by the way: how is your chin?-
you should NOT worry about your next relationship now. just solve your present problems. "the future is not ours to see"- deal with the present right now. things will fall in place in their right time. for now, you MUST take care of yourself and your kids.
take one thing at a time, we're too small to comprehend the whole jigsaw puzzle, and so we must deal only with what we can see right now, other wise we're overwhelmed and paralyzed and we can't accomplish anything.
Be brave!
you are, you know? with what you've out up until now!
BUT you used all your assets to someone else's benefit - unfortunately, someone UNWORTHY of it!
Pick yourself up!
I find you a great person - and believe me, only shallow people will overlook this, and concentrate on all the "external" issues.
I gather you've had enough "shallow" men in your life to recognize them now from safe distance.
(is he in jail?)
you can ALWAYS send a pm to me IF you think i can help.
i'll do my best to encourage you and help.
millie
He is not in jail as of yet. He has been somewhat good to me lately as in he has been taking me places during the weekend-however, then he leaves and he is gone all night long and doesn't answer his calls or calls me either. I don't know what to make of it. He says he really does love me, but I just can't trust him. My chin is healing but it is ugly. It makes me feel even worse about myself.

Depressed!

Sounds like he could be seeing someone else

Depressed!!

Sounds like he could be seeing someone else
He was seeing someone else-then I found out about it-this was a little over a month ago. I'm sure he still sees her from time to time.

I'm telling you-no man is going to want me-even if he is not in the picture. They are going to think I have too much "baggage". I know this, because it has happened to me before, i've been told that. Guys want to have their own kids, or think that they will be pushed into raising my kids or something along the lines of that and I just can't take that kind of rejection. People just don't give chances so easily like that, it would be very hard for me to find someone else, no matter how great of a person I am. Hell, I had a guy break up with me one time because he said i was "too nice". Whatever that means. It was a good thing, actually, for him to do, but it still hurt me. I'm not good with the dating scene-obviously. People don't give me a chance to get to know me, they just want to sleep with me and then if I turn them down, they go on to the next pretty girl. Guys don't want to mess with me because I have too much going on in my life-(kids, responsiblilites)

I am a guy who is going through a divorce and have 2 girls. I know how you feel. I have been separated from my wife for 5 months now and things can get very rough. I have seen a counciler for a couple of months now and 2 very important things I have learned is

1. You can't change people you can only change yourself.
2. Negative thinking, brings negative actions. Positive thinking, brings positive actions. (This is very true I have learned from my own experiences)

If you say it won't happen its not going to happen.

One last thing, you don't have too much "baggage". Unless you own a entire travel set. All 64 pieces. Your kids, problems, and values are a part of your life. You obvisouly love your kids and worry about there happiness but if your not happy they will never be happy.

Good Luck
From someone who knows the feeling

What the hell is wrong with me? I get so angry with myself! How can there be people like him in this world? Then again, how can there be people like me?I know I am smart, I know I am beautiful-the other day on my way home from work-feeling like crud as I usually do, someone in the car that pulled up next to me rolled down his window and told me that I was very pretty. He has no idea how good that made me feel. And he was very good looking too. I've always depended on the current guy i'm with for my self worth. Problem is he has always treated me like I am not good enough for him. I think that is another reason I am still with him. I can't leave him only to have him think that HE CAN DO BETTER. I'm a good person and I need him to know and respect that no matter what.

OK, I've read it all up to now. In my opinion, you don't have a very good opinion of yourself!! Something in your past has blocked you and given you the feeling that no matter what you do, it always wrong and that it will never work out, therefore you'll never be happy. This is plain BS. Stop doing this 'self-destructive' brainwashing on yourself - someone in your past has already done that to perfection. Please, if at all possible, see a professional and get yourself to the point of finally liking yourself and also liking the person you've become - despite all the stumbling stones you, and others have placed in your way.

You will probably never find 'mister right' as long as you don't give yourself a chance (you don't need others to put you down, you do that yourself and one hell-of-a job doing it!) You say men only want your body... and would probably not believe it if he said different.
You say men lie to you... you EXPECT them to lie to you, therefore it must be a lie.
You say that they still find you attractive... but you probably talk yourself into thinking ahead, and BAMB... talk yourself into thinking it will never work, all they want is ONE thing...
You need to know where your man is all the time, what he's doing and with whom... because you know that you cannot trust them, as you say to yourself that everyone just lies to you and, no matter what they tell you, you cannot trust their answers. And, you do all the worrying, and all the solving of either petty or real problems... because you think that's what they expect from you.

Whoever tried to mold you into meeting their expectations of what you should be, and whoever downgraded every attempt you've made in your life to continually prove you are worthy, really did a good job at it.

NOW.. it's time for you to gain some self-respect and confidence in YOURSELF before you can give it to others. Please seek professional help as soon as possible and get rid of the 'baggage' that you've been carrying around for so long - and I don't mean the kids or current problems. This goes a lot deeper and it's time for you to clean it up.

As long as you keep up the super-negative attitude of yourself, you'll have a negative attitude towards all future things and encounters in life. Please don't let this happen.

Since you know yourself best, please try to sit back and look at your life from a different perspective - of a total stranger who just met someone like you. - What would you see and what would you advise?

If your choice is to break up and raise your children alone, what strengths can you pass on to them at this time - None... You'll transfer all of your doubts, fears, and insecurities to them, and not even give them a chance. So, again, seek professional help, with or without him, and get that self-respect of your's a chance to grow up without the feeling of constant failure.

Hoping you'll at least think about the possibilities open to you instead of condemning yourself to everlasting doom. You are the only one that can do anything about this - so for you and the children, please do it.

Wishing you all the best,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_11_7.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)THANKS WHILDCAT... I THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT READ THIS IN IT'S ENTIRETY....

Wasted time here...

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_11_7.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

Maybe he walked right into the picture you envisioned. With a negative attitude, things will continue to stay negative.

Have you ever heard of the expression: "He/She drove me to it" ?

Sometimes we do things that influence people to do just what we expect them to do out of pure frustration.

Unfortunately, life is a struggle, all the way - but can reveal rewards down the road... you need to look for them though.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_11_7.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)
Are you saying I drove him to cheat on me, or to continue cheating on me?

D in Mo,

Let me let you in on a little secret... you MAY be shocked as hell... life changer for you...

Wildcat right now sees a woman with 3 kids. Wonderful, beautful, loving woman. Ok? She is fabulous... strong... funny. You can do this too... plenty of guys out there that would just love to be with you and probably loves kids like I do.

"leaves and he is gone all night long and doesn't answer his calls or calls me either" - you KNOW he is out partying and being with other woman. As you are home with your kids.

Please throw this guy to the curb for good - YESTERDAY!! Hello??

Chery - did you see my last post before yours??

Chery - did you see my last post before yours?????

No dear, was busy writing and did not post soon enough for you to see it, your's got there before I had finished. Since I've been out for a while, it's taking me a bit to catch up, and I like to give all my concentration to what I'm saying. Stay with me partner, and don't run too fast because I'm a little slow and my spine is still healing.

"C" "U" again soon.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

Have you ever thought that when a child continuously gets told that he/she is bad, that they will probably turn out that way because they have been constantly told so???

And, I'm sure that when a young person gets told that 'they'll never amount to anything' (I'm sure we've all heard that one...) they, in their frustration, don't even strive to prove you wrong because they just give up..

I'm sure that there are many other cliché's that apply here, and they have ingrained themselves so much that there is no self-respect left.

Most men I've met in life got influenced in early age, pertaining to their sexual behavior, to their choice in career, family, etc. They have role-models that influence them one way or the other.

We all are not born with a set pattern all our lives. We get influenced through our personal experiences and through the guidance during the impressionable years in life. Some of us are weak and others strong enough to sive out what's later revealed to not be the right way of things.

But, in the end, it's what we learn and how we apply it that determines what life we lead.

There is a book that I read a long time ago, called "Me, Myself and I", I don't remember who it was written by and wish I still had it. It explains that there are essentially three individuals within, the child, the adolescent, and the adult. Depending on the given circumstance, the appropriate one will (should) take over and this will determine our reaction to things in life. Needless to say, it also depends on how these were influenced and nurtured.

Too bad that when I was growing up, children were still spanked and/or beaten. Now it's against the law in most countries to do this. So, if you can figure out what makes a person tick the way they do in a post on a thread, please write a book and get rich, while we gain in knowledge - no offense meant here - please don't take it the wrong way.

Gosh, I wish it were all so easy - that way I would not need a therapist myself in times of stress - but I'm human and it happens.

It's ironic how after writing a long post, the only one that was singled out was the short post afterward that just wanted to make a point on how negative influence can generate negative actions/reactions.

Hope this made more sense.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_13.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)
My hopes and best wishes to all.
I still get the impression that you are stating that I "drove" him to continue cheating on me.
Look, I've given this guy chance after chance after chance... Believe it or not, every time he goes out, I don't blow up at him and say things like "I know you are going to cheat on me"-I've heard the expression "Well if you are going to accuse me then I might as well be doing it" one too many times to continuously set myself up for more heartache. Each time he goes out I tell him that I love and trust him (even though I really don't trust him a whole lot) and that is all. I understand what you are saying and I'm not offended-but I have to defend myself to the fact that I don't drive him to cheat on me-I am a wonderful person, and I've learned through my years of what and what not to say.

Well I deleted my post because I didn't see you post right before I did. But the statement did confuse me, though I followed all the other stuff. I will say this about cheating. In no way, shape, or form can cheating be any body's fault but the cheaters. Cheating is a choice and in my opinion is the ultimate act of disrespect.

Much love , You have the power to change your life,get rid of the loser and the baggage he brings and think of YOU and the way you want your life to be!:cool:

Well I deleted my post because I didn't see you post right before I did. But the statement did confuse me, though I followed all the other stuff. I will say this about cheating. In no way, shape, or form can cheating be any body's fault but the cheaters. Cheating is a choice and in my opinion is the ultimate act of disrespect.
You are so right.

D in Mo... did you see my last post??

Once a cheater, always a cheater - they never stop.

D in Mo....did you see my last post??????????????????????????????

Once a cheater, always a cheater - they never stop.
The thing of it is, I feel like they all cheat. And when does that rule apply? At some point, everybody cheats, whether you are fourteen or 24-does that mean they are always a cheater? There are so many definitions of "cheating" so at what point does the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" apply?

Update and a question: the night before last night everything went real well between us, we spent some alone time together, we talked about things, he came out on his own and said he wanted to quit what he was doing (not referring to cheating... ) and get a job and make things right (this is all without me bringing it up) and that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever... everything was great and I went to bed happy for once in a long time.
Yesterday, I get home from work, he was real sweet, asked me how my day went, fed the kids, then took a shower, got dressed and left to go "handle some business". He left around 7:00PM. Well he calls me about 9:00PM because he was "just thinking about me" and wanted to tell me that he loved me (aw how sweet right?) and then he said he had to do a few more things and he would be home. Well guess what? He never came home. Am I surprised no? Hurt-hell yes. Even though he does this all the time, why does it hurt in the same amount of pain every time?

No the post about the woman I have been seeing.

BTW - WHY are you still with this guy?? Why?? He just keeps pooping on you.

I for one think that you should move on. He doesn't show you respect because he tells you one thing and does something else. Now sometimes things like that are unavoidable but not on a constant basis. You said it yourself you are hurt and come to expect him not to do as he says. You are not happy with the way things are at the moment. You can't change the way he treats you but you don't have to put up with it.

No the post about the woman I have been seeing.

BTW - WHY are you still with this guy???? Why??? He just keeps pooping on you.
Yes Wildcat, I noticed the post; however, I have three babies. I don't know the woman you are with, but I am guessing her children are teenagers or older, not babies that require most or all of her attention.
But it did give me some hope...

Yes - a little older. In school. There are guys out there that love kids and are compatible with you - no question.

Yes - a little older. In school. There are guys out there that love kids and are compatible with you - no question.

Yeah they are called homosexuals. Doesn't work for me.

You are being unfair to yourself.

Yeah they are called homosexuals. Doesn't work for me.
Dear!
That's not fair.
One thing for you to remember, that there are SO many kinds of fish in the ocean.
What you've just done I in your last post, you slammed the door to future possible relationships - I know, it's a kind of defence for future "failures"
But why presume them?
In any cast, you shouldn't stay with him. Even when he's nice, warm, tender, caring, swears to be THE romantic husband IN PERSON, meets all your dreams, and more, what else? You name it.
EVEN THEN- he's just playing with your feelings!
I won't even try to attempt to answer the question if he means it: it's irrelevant. He's not going to be like this. He can't.
Of course it hurts: because you trusted him again, I'm not talking about being faithful - I'm talking about the way he behaved, when he was with you - you went to sleep happy, because you had hope, which means you trusted his intentions and words.
BUT!
It didn't last, because it couldn't.
He's put you, once more, in an emotional roller-coaster.
And he makes sure you can't leave it.
It's the worst relationship you can have.
You reached this marriage with a very low self confidence, during the years with him he did his best to make you feel even worst about yourself.
I think that if we look at both of you through impartial glasses, we will find out you are above him in many aspects: your character, your intelligence, your creativity, your compassion, your honesty, you're probably hard working and the whole house is on your shoulders. I don't know what more, but I'm sure we can have a booklet filled with it.
Am I right?
At least a little?
If so, he might feel INFERIOR to you, and will do his best to put you down.
How have you changed since you're together?
Lost, maybe , you sense of humour?
Does he ridicule you, the things you say, the things you do?
My dear!
YOU MUST GET A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU REACH THE RIGHT SELF EVELUATION, TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS ORDEAL, TO SUPPORT YOU AND HELP YOU LEAVE HIM

And don't take blame TO ANY OF HIS ACTIONS!

I'm sorry if I'll hurt you now, but he wasn't nice because of something you did!
AND, in the same way, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for any
Actions he took.He's cheating because that what probably gives him a sense of worth: having his way with woman. He thinks he's so smart he can eat the cake and still keep it!
You must stop taking part in the play he wrote, don't accept to go on with the role he designed for you.
Be your own master, stop being his slave.
I wish you all the best luck in the world.
And write us.
We shall all support you here, but you must be helped by a therapist. Someon beside you, to hold your hand.
A good one will make wonders for you!
Take care,
Millie:)

The fact she keeps letting this creep back in her life says in all. She doesn't want to help herself. We've been knocking our heads against the wall for this gal.

This guy just keeps pooping on her.

I am done with it.

you must stop taking part in the play he wrote, don't accept to go on with the role he designed for you.


I think others have been writing her part in plays all her life and they've all been 'bad parts'. She needs to find herself before she can even look further. I hope she gets the help she needs for her and the children's sake.

Yes and the children DO NOT, under any circumstamces, need this loser in their lives - ever. Period, end of story.

The fact she keeps letting this creep back in her life says in all. She doesn't want to help herself. We've been knocking our heads against the wall for this gal.

This guy just keeps pooping on her.

I am done with it.
Hey I am just here venting like everyone else. When I need a place to go, someone to listen, I post here. That's all.
You don't understand what it's like-not that I expect anyone to.I don't need anyone to hold my hand or baby me, just some good friends who will talk with me and not judge me.

No one judges you here, we just want the best for you,sometimes it means telling you things you might not want to hear but it is only mean't to help, from those who care! Much love!:cool: :)

I've just read all these posts and something is jumping out at me.
DinMO, you have said:

Hey I am just here venting like everyone else. When I need a place to go, someone to listen, I post here. that's all.
You don't understand what it's like-not that I expect anyone to.I don't need anyone to hold my hand or baby me, just some good friends who will talk with me and not judge me.
Yesterday 08:22 PM

BUT your original post says:
I need some serious help. Indeed,the title of your topic is enough to contradict what you are now claiming: that you are venting.

This is harsh, I apologise in advance, but Wildcat and Chery have been giving you sound counsel - and what do you do? Stick your head in the sand, take offence to opinions people are offering you, and get petty and personal. Hey YOU did ask for advice in the first place. And you didn't like what you got. So blame the people who touched that nerve? IT'S A TOTAL COP-OUT. And so is this. You obviously WANT to be with this guy, and if you ask me, you are looking for a last-ditch effort to justify it to yourself. Perhaps you want just ONE person to suggest things might work out fine in order to get rid of your niggling instinct that this is a F**KED UP environment to inflict on oyour children. I think you are choosing to completely hide from reality. If you don't already see this you are in SERIOUS TROUBLE. The reality is you are CHOOSING to be punished. And people are telling you to stop this behaviour. Simple as.
Do you really want any reality at all? Here's my final thought for you. Do you really WANT to leave him? I don't think you do. I think you just want it all to be fine, and for the hurt to stop and you can play happy families. You are getting enough signs that this will NOT happen with this man, yet you persist. This is not about courage at all. This is about delusion. You need to talk to someone fast, build up your self-esteem and your sense of reality. Stop looking for the fairytale in this man. A part of you is clinging to the idea, "if only he loved you a little more".Nothing is tying you more to this man than blind faith in the impossible.He is not going to change. But are you?
I hope you choose your children's future over your futile dreams with this man.

Oh, I understand what's going on here, no question.

You keep letting this guy just poop on you. It's really sad.

Why on earth does he get any more chances? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

It sounds to me like this woman has no confidence in herself. You came here for help, and that's what all of us are trying to give you. People that stay in abusive relationships often have very little self respect. If not for you, then do it for your kids please. For the love of God, do you think this guy is in any way shape or form of a positive influence on your children? You said this guy cheated on you, and "you are fairly sure he still sees her from time to time"? What the hell is going on here! Then you say "everyone cheats" NOT TRUE! You really need to gain some self respect, this can be the only reason I can possibly think as to why you (or anyone for that matter) would let someone treat you like this. Look, I really don't think there is much else we can say. You now have 9 pages of sound advice, and nobody here is going to reinforce ANY of this behavior so you can justify your totally irrational behavior. Its obvious you know this is a bad situation for you or else why would you be asking for help? I have not personally replied to this thread in a while because everyone has given you MORE THAN ENOUGH ADVICE!! Wake up, you don't NEED anyone but your kids, they should be priority #1 not this idiot that might be going to uuuuuuuummmmmmmm PRISON! Now Im just aggervated with this whole situation, and maybe you need someone to just tell you like it is. If you want to spend the rest of your life clinging on to men that will never respect you, your kids, or themselves for that matter, so be it. But please take your kids out of that situation. Just because you have given up on your happieness doesn't give you the right to screw your kids over as well... this REALLY angers me on so many levels. Grown men that have kids and RESPECT THEMSELVES AND OTHER WOMEN are not gay... they are called REAL MEN, sounds like something you haven't had in a while, and your kids need that. Get mad if you want, but I honestly could care less, Im looking out for #1 to me in this situation and that's YOUR kids... messed up...

Hi Jeff,
I think that if she doesn't wake up after your post, nothing will do it, ever.
The most important issue here are the kids- they shouldn't grow up like this, they should be instilled with self respect, and respect for others, right from the beginning.
The way things are, they won't learn self respect looking up to their mother, and won't learn to respect other people's rights by looking at their father.
I'm really sorry to make this comment, I feel for her and the kids, but no one here can do more than what's already been done.
Millie

The sad part is most women in an abusive relationship THINK they deserve it - AND they ABOSILUTELY don't!! No one should ever put up with that. No one deserves that.

She needs to tel lthis guy to get lost once and for all.


Most women like this were brought up in some sort of abuse and they don't know any better - AND actually can't and don't understand 'niceness/goodness' in a relationship. They can't handle it. Only YEARS of therapy will help.

Sadly, being in a abusive rerlationship is SOOOOOOOOOOo unhealthy, always being on edge etc. - bad for you.

AND yes, her kids do not needs to be ever involved in this or the vicious cycle will continue. Her kids don't know any better now. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Lose this guy for the kids sake!!

Hi well you nned to leave him alone honey there's no need for you to be in back of him he is just not that into you and I know you can find someone better then that perk up dress go out even to a park there is mr right a few steps away from you you just have to go out and get it.