I have been reading through some of the threads regarding seeing a married man as I am very confused, alone and fed up. I have been seeing a married man for a few months now, he is someone I knew quite a few years ago and our relationship just took up from where we left off, we get on very well have kissed and cuddled but have not taken it any further yet. He tells me he loves me everyday but I just can not see him leaving his wife and I for one would never ask or demand that of him. I do think of his wife and kids and feel guilty constantly. I am a single mum with children, been on my own for over 10 years and this man is the first I have agreed to allow into my life in all that time, I have had offers in the past but have always refused any relationship. I am feeling so low and lonely as I can only see him for very short periods and I accept this as he has a family but it is getting harder and harder. Please I know some of you will judge me but please try to understand, I am guilty and ashamed and know I must stop this but need some help in doing this. Could someone help me please

Hi tracy and welcome to AMHD. You are correct, you won't find many friends here! May I suggest a book by Susan Jeffers, I forget the name but will help find it for you. You sound intelligent but just a bit down; work on that esteem, lady. No one knows what he is going to do about his current suggestion; I like 'trust, but verify'. Afford him only a small place in your heart and outlook, while you work on the long-term issues. Get more social and confidant; go out more because loneliness seems to be an issue.

Hello and thank you for your reply which I do agree with, have in last couple of weeks been going around friends houses, not exactly out on the razzle but still I am out of the house and socialising, will keep this going any more advice gratefully received, and I was hoping to find some friends not enemies on here please don't judge me too much as I know what I am doing is wrong just need help to sort it

At least you feel guilty that's more than a lot of the cheaters feel, usually they are trying to get ideas on how to make him leave her.

What you don't understand is that you are still alone, with lower self esteem, getting more lonely because now you have to hide a part of your life from the world and possibly from your family and friends. Now you have to lie which isolates you even further.

You know even IF he left her 9 times out of 10 he would cheat on you and in his mind he would have a very good reason for it. You would always be waitng for the ball to drop. Doesn't sound like a very good life to look forward to.

Break up with him and the time you spent cheating, sneaking and daydreaming about him, self improve. Exercise, spend quality time with your kids, take a class, go to church, join a sport, volunteer at a group for abused, battered women and children there are many many things that you can do to bring goodness to your life . Lying, sneaking and cheating is certainly not going to bring you any type of pride or fulfillment. Its up to you.

I bet you thought him safe, as opposed to taking a chance at being hurt by a single guy. At least you see it's a dead end street, and want to turn it around, and that in itself is refreshing. Stop having sex, and stop seeing him, all together, even to talk. The sooner he is completely out of your life, the quicker you can focus on healing, and regrouping, and putting your life on a healthy path. No Contact, just disappear from his life.

'never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs' oh god this has really hit the spot for me, plus all your replies I know I must not see him again just finding it hard that's all and need some support so I don't relent, please help me

'never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs' oh god this has really hit the spot for me, plus all your replies i know i must not see him again just finding it hard thats all and need some support so i dont relent, please help me


I have an idea think about your children. Think about How you deserve to be happy . Make yourself your priority. What is it that makes you want to be in this unfulling relationship? You really need to ask that question? Besides love because love isn't enough.



Keep thinking of him as a dead end street. A cul-de sac, You will end up no where. Realize your relationship with this man was a lie. Take it one day at a time. Build up your confidence and self-esteem. Because that is important. Once you realize that you deserve to be with someone who is available. That you will not settle. Then will you understand that you are in control.

Hi Tracy,

I hope I can help - I had a similar experience and a couple of my friends did as well. The point here is you should try and see between the lines, love is blind I know, if you have not slept with him it should be easier if not a little harder, women in general go by feeligs so I guess they find it harder to break away once meotionally involved. I think you should take a look at his family how old are the kiddies, will he leave them if they are young answer os probably not if he did then you must say to yourself if he had be that hertless to kids it is possible he could do the same to you. Maybe he is the best guy in the world to you, but you must say to yourself does he say he loves you for the right reasons or to sleep with you etc. You have been on your own for 10 years and are vunerable, you sound a good person so be true to yourself - step back and look at what you want you have not found it so far, so you choose to be in a comofrt zone with an old acquanitance, yet this is more dangerous than meeting and dating a new comer into your life. Be safe and strong tracy - and do the right thing for yourself.

Hope I have given you some help, and don't listen to the dictators on here, they are willing to point the finger and play the judge judy role but they are human beings who make the same mistakes as us all!

Thank you tribune, I don't think he will leavve his kids no he has said as much to me really, then in another breath will say that the kids are unhappy with mum and will go with him and that they will lke me, this is of course rubbish I realise that so no he won't leave the kids let alone the wife and as I have said before I would never ask or demand that he did. Yes I agree with the comment about a comfort zone too, I do know him as an old friend and we just drifted into this situation from chatting once a week say to now it being twice a day. This is going to be so hard but I am sure I can get through it with help and advice

You cannot start the clock on your relationship until he is divorced. That is a minimum of a year. Consider that your time together does not count (even though you are in love) and ask yourself if living in a dream is OK for you - or if you need to wake up.

If he loves you, he will get his life together quick. If not, it's his problem, not yours. Make it HIS issue... You simply cannot wait on a married man. It will only make any future relations worse. If he is balancing two lives - don't get caught up in it... Breath fresh air of your own life - until he can share it. If it is to be, it will be.

But it is NOT your problem until he is legally separated. Then, you can see how complicated it is. And how he handles it. And if your love can survive it.

Sleeping with him would wreck you - so I'd recommend not doing it.

Maybe its time to love yourself, and do the right things for yourself. We all need love and support, especially when going through some really bad times, and its probably very human to be grateful, when someone has extended us the help, and strength to get through it. Its also human to make a mistake, and get into not healthy situations, before we know it. Cutting off complete contact will hurt like heck, but you will get a very clear view of your own feelings, and be able to cope with them better, because your perspective will be one of reality, and not just feelings. When the emotional dust settles, you will clearly see how important it is to love yourself, and take responsibility for your own happiness. You do deserve to be healthy and happy, but know going in, it's a lot of work, and yes some pain involved, but well worth it to get love for yourself back.

Thanks again talaniman for such good words of advice, will try to cut off contact, he is on holiday at moment and am missing him dreadfully but at least it will be one week down, after that I will have to stay strong and perhaps with a bit of help from you and others on here I can get through it, if you don't mind me coming on and airing my feelings. He is always telling me I don't realise how lovely, beautiful etc I am so perhaps I should heed his words and begin to love myself more. I will give it a damn good try

You are more than welcome, this is a great vent site too! Consider yourself hugged by all of us.

Try your best Tracy to use this site as a crutch to do the right thing -

Protect yourself.

Hi Tracy,

We are all here for you. We all have experienced the pain of relationships, and I must say, I found this site the other day as a matter of fact, and I can honestly say, I am feeling better already!

Come back anytime, and talk about it :-)

Hi I feel what you are going through. I was involved in a relationship with a married woman 10 years ago and it ended in disaster. There was an abortion involved and a lot of pain all round. I am not going to judge you for something I did. I only hope that you do not get emotionally crushed like I did. Take care and all the best.

I think it would be a better idea to wait and see if he ever does get a divorce? If he really does LOVE you, he wouldn't be with his wife. I know that him having kids makes it even harder, but if he loves you like he says he does why would he still be with his wife you know? Maybe just sit him down and tell him how you feel "listen, your great and you make me happy, but if you love me, whats the deal with you wife?" or something along those lines, tell him how you feel. Good luck!

I think it would be a better idea to wait and see if he ever does get a divorce?
I disagree with waiting for someone to decide they love you, under all most all circumstances. If they don't know how they feel about you, and its not enough for them to want to be with you, FORGET 'EM.

I disagree with waiting for someone to decide they love you, under all most all circumstances. If they don't know how they feel about you, and its not enough for them to want to be with you, FORGET 'EM.

Well, that is also true. But remember, when someone says they "love" them. Words like that won't matter. They only care about the married person saying they love them. Ya know what I mean? So weather you think that's good or not (not saying your wrong or anything), we have to remember people who think they are love struct think differenctly

Hi and thank you all for replies, I am finding this so hard, he has phoned a few times from holiday and I have ignored a few but couldn't last night and answered phone. He is telling me know that he will leave wife and live on his own for a while then we can be together I made no replies to this and didn't give him any indication that I will be waiting for him. I am thinking with my heart but am beginning to think with my head as I know I must. Please stick with me as this is very difficult

Tracy,

Here we all are and here we all are to stay! Be so proud of yourself for knowing that be involved with a married man, hurts so many including you.

Never put yourself in a position to be second best. You will find someone who says the words I love you and you are beautiful, and this person will be free to say them and truly mean them.

Get yourself a little calendar and write down your thoughts on each day. Give yourself a big star each day you don't contact him. And when you are ready to tell him, that you don't want to hear from him anymore, that he is married, and you don't want his wife hurt or anyone else, give yourself three big stars.

Yes, you are thinking with your heart and your heart is so good. In your heart you never want pain and suffering to be in someone else's.

Hang tough and love yourself and I bet each day, you will get a little stronger. That's not to say, there will be days of utter sadness. On those days, pull out that journal, come here and visit us, and all of us will be right here.

You don't want someone, who is able to be with his family and sneak off to make a call to you, just to keep you on standby.

Bless you sweetheart - you are on your way!

He is telling me know that he will leave wife and live on his own for a while then we can be together
Those are the words that all mistresses love to hear, and lets be honest, how long have you waited to hear them? His only purpose for saying it, as you know is to keep you close with false hope so you will miss him even more. He knows exactly what to say to you to give you false hope. Don't let him, stop and think of what he is doing to his wife and family, 9 whom he loves) and take it as a preview to what he eventually will do to you.

I made no replies to this and didn't give him any indication that I will be waiting for him.
That's good, but know the very act of talking to him will keep him in your mind and its time to stop all contact with him. Which I already know how hard that will be, but is the one thing you do for yourself that will set you free to cope and deal with your own feelings and emotions in a positive way. No contact will give you a chance to make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings. Its painful no doubt, but healing will let the brain work and not just your heart.

I am thinking with my heart but am beginning to think with my head as I know I must. Please stick with me as this is very difficult
That's one thing you can count on, our support. As you will see, with no contact, you will get your dignity and self respect back, and you will be able to love yourself, much more than you love him, and be free to be happy with yourself and life you build without him in it.

"Never put yourself in a position to be second best. You will find someone who says the words I love you and you are beautiful, and this person will be free to say them and truly mean them."

You deserve such a man, who is happy loving, caring, and all yours!

Just come back onto site as having a really bad day, all my friends are away and out and have no one to talk to so your kind words are really helping me stay strong thank you so much

Hi Tracy,

Don't be down about the time alone. Sometimes, when we really need to redirect our lives, alone time is the best time. It can give you time to truly think what you want for your future. Imagine yourself happy as can be, and what things will make you happy.

Just remember, having to hide in the shadows, hides the very best part of who you are. Don't want that for yourself.

Put the radio on, and if you have to have a good cry, go on, we all do from time to time.
And then jazz up the music and have yourself a good dance.

Tracy, I have such great hope for you, that once you get past this difficult time, you have a great deal of happiness ahead of you. You will be such a stronger you, and no longer will allow yourself to accept anything but true happiness.

Tracy, step into the light... YOU deserve it!! Too young and wonderful to have to hide... you can be free to be you and be so happy about it.

Proud of you girl. Truly am!

Tracy, glad you came here instead of getting in touch with him. Take your children and go for a walk, visit your parents, make some cookies drop off at your fire station, police station, or animal shelter for the often forgotten weekend workers.

Go to the local hospitial. Visit the local craft store. Buy some plants and plant them. If you don't have a yard put them in a window box or in pots. Nurture them, your kids and yourself. Take a walk a bike ride. Make pizza and watch a funny movie.

Start a patch work quilt with your children to donate to a woman's shelter or a retirement home. There are so many ways that you can give to the world and keep your mind busy with good healthy honest activities. Good Luck

I heard cleaning closets is like a new lease on life.

I heard cleaning closets is like a new lease on life.

Ahhh the cleaning closets therapy... works every time :) I have a couple crying for my attention.

Great suggestions by everyone. Also, sometimes, it helps us to put the pieces of ourselves together, when we try to help someone else, who also needs some understanding and care.

See if any of the post asking for help on the relationship thread strikes you and maybe you could help someone who shares a heartache. It does help us to feel a little better when we try and help someone else.

Here's the threads:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/

Hi thanks again everyone, can relate to cleaning closets as have just bleached my whole entire kitchen, hands hurt a bit, but least I have been doing something constructive with my time only a few more hours then I can curl up in bed, and try to think of something to do tomorrow

Nice candle, long hot bath, cocoa, warm milk and a good self help book... Women that love too much etc...

Hello everyone again I need a bit of support, he rang I didn't answer but one of children did so I spoke to him, now he is being quite short and abupt with me as if I have done something wrong, not rude just short, sharp questions and answers, now I feel as if I have done something wrong, oh god this is so hard. I really am now in a right state as God forgive me I feel bloody guilty for some reason as if I have upset him, that is just mad I know but I do help me need some good advice from you good people

Steady there.

It is HIM. Not you. REALLY.

You are not married. As long as you are clear and strong about your plans and reasoning you are 100% going in the right direction.

He knows this deep down.

And he should lay off the calls to your house I would imagine...

Thanks for such a quick reply, couldn't get through this without your help, am now in a terrible state thinking all sorts of things, I don't want him to dislike me I really don't, but need to end this somehow I can not tell him

he is being quite short and abrupt with me as if I have done something wrong, not rude just short, sharp questions and answers, now I feel as if I have done something wrong,
Don't let him use your confusion against you. (that may be a red flag for your future reference).
I
don't want him to dislike me I really don't, but need to end this somehow
Consider your feelings ahead of his and start being unavailable, tell that to your kids when they answer the phone, or be short brief and too busy to talk very long. 30 seconds is long enough.

Hi Tracy,

My husband done the same thing to me with an "old" friend. I found e-mails and texts on his phone and confronted him... He admitted it. He said he's never slept with her, but I'm not so sure.. The point is, I (the wife) took it really badly, we have a four year old son and I tried ending my life - it really shook me as I really didn't expect it. It's been 2 months since I found out and it still really hurts. My mum went through the same thing with my dad and he completely broke her... I left my husband and he shacked up with this girl. Now they have broken up, because they realised it was a "mistake". They both have no idea how much they have ed my life up... I just hope you read this and realise what this does to people.

I don't judge you or hate you, everyone has their own reasons - but I just want you to try and see it from "the wifes" point of view.

I truly hope you sort this out and I wish you the best.

Rachel xxxxxxx

I feel stupidly I know that I want to talk to him, so I will take your advice and make it short and to the point 30 seconds to a minute should do it, thank you all your advice is so helpful, I think I am having a moment of if he doesn't want me no one will, so feel very insecure

This message is for rachel37, I do feel so sorry for you and any wife put into this situation I really do, I think of his wife and children all the time, I realise when he tells me things about his wife it is to make me feel better I am not silly or uncaring, trust me. I feel if a man wanted to leave his wife for whatever reason then they would do it and not have affairs, they are destructive to everyone involved I know that and never thought I would be part of it. Life and circumstances have led me down this path which I dislike and want to end it I really do. Please stay strong I for one admire and respect you a lot

I really don't want to make you feel like , at all! I just posted this answer in hope that it'll help you get away from him! I don't blame the other woman, all men think with their s! But she did know he was married and should have put a stop to it... Neither of them achieved anything by their brief relationship and I know my ex is miserable now he has lost both of us... and also made a lot of enemies. Does his wife have any idea this is going on?

Hi rachel, no wife has no idea and I don't think he would ever allow that to happen. I am trying so hard to put a stop to this honestly as I feel as you yourself has said everyone will be miserable in the end and that is not a good thing for anyone. My loneliness should never make another woman feel like you did I know that and am determined to put an end to this just need a bit of backup from people that's all

Yeah, I can understand that... well, I'm here if you need me. I think you're stronger than you think ;) xx

You are in love Tracy.

It makes us all crazy.

That's why you come here. To balance that. There's a lot of voices here to counter the ones gnawing in your head. And to help you train yourself to find the right guy - when the wrong guy is dominating your life.

Hello everyone and please forgive what I am about to write, I had no contact for about 4 days although he was ringing, texting etc. Got so depressed, fed up what ever you want to call it just plain stupid springs to mind that I answered phone and met him, now feel as if I am back to square one again with the no contact thing. This is so hard just don't know what to do

Now you back to square one because you had a set back. Start all over and don't give in to tempation, next time he text, text back with a"go to your wife", don't let him control having you whenever he wants because now you gave him hope but be stronger this time.

Ok, fine so he is persistent and you two are determined to have a relationship.

I think you OWE it to his wife to let her in on the great love affair that you have going. Let her decide if she wants to remain in this triangle.
I wonder what he is doing to convince her that he is a true and faithful husband. He must be one pretty slick guy. Maybe he's so darn good she won't mind sharing him with you.

Why not say, "I love you more than anything, but you are not available and I can't have you." And as liz says, "You have a wife"; and 'I don't want to be less than she is.' Unless, you do want to be less than she is. You said initially that you are fed up.

Ok, fine so he is persistent and you two are determined to have a relationship.

I think you OWE it to his wife to let her in on the great love affair that you have going. Let her decide if she wants to remain in this triangle.
I wonder what he is doing to convince her that he is a true and faithful husband. He must be one pretty slick guy. Maybe hes so darn good she won't mind sharing him with you.
I wouldn't categorize this as a triangle, and snitching is as bad as cheating. I believe there are constructive ways to get through this without destroying a family. Perhaps Tracy needs to go for counseling if she can't find her way at this time.

Hi Tracy,

I know you love this man, but honestly, you deserve more. I would love to see you with someone who is with you, and only you! You deserve that. I really like what George said, and his suggestion on what you should say to this man. I know break ups are hard, we all do, but I really think you need to move on from him.

George,this is definitely a triangle whether the wife knows it or not.
If Tracy is going to continue this behavior she needs to woman up and be honest.
If I wanted someone else's man you can count on it I would let her know.
That's not being a snitch that is being honest.

I will agree with you that she needs counseling. She has been told as much, yet she never posted that she is seeking help.

Hi Tracey, If you read accounts here of those going through what you are, its normal after a time to finally give in, and break no contact. The fact you feel bad about it shows what direction you want to go in, and thats in your favor. You just have to adjust your no contact program to account for his persistence, and stick to it.

Changing your number, or blocking his number is your next step. Your local phone company can help with that, and show you how to do that. Trust me that will help.

I do not recommend any long drawn out conversations at all, but a simple "go home to your wife, and leave me alone" is all you need say, and end the conversation very quickly, because you already know his charm, that's common to cheaters. Read The No Contact Calender for some good support, and to know you are not alone, and learn that even the phone ringing causes jangled nerves , and a situation to be dealt with.

You can do this, and yes it's the hardest thing you have ever done, but we all have been there. Keep fighting for your healing, and happiness.

Hi and thank you all for replies, the go home to your wife comment is one I have taken on board and will try that if I answer phone again. Talaniman your comment regarding nerves jangling when phone rings is so right, I just dread the day the phone no longer rings, but I am going to really try this time. Believe me I do not want to split a family up and no I couldn't tell the wife not now not ever, if he is clever and has covered his tracks then she needs to know nothing and can carry on with her husband. I see that as the best thing I can do for her. No contact starts now and will not stop I am determined.

Good going, tracy; now I'm just a bit nosey, but is this love or lust? (Shoot me if you must!)

" i just dread the day the phone no longer rings"


Your statement leads me to believe that you want him to continue calling so that you can get that emotional boost that he provides you with. You are getting some type of emotional payoff from having conversations and cuddling sessions with this man.


Tracy... some may think I am being mean but so be it. You either want him or you don't. You want to be a cheater or you don't. Its simple


Listen to Tal and cut off all contact with him or you will get what you deserve and that is a cheater.

What about this? "Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. Being such a universal feeling, it has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture."
Unrequited love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love)
Tracy must put herself on a 'diet': no more 'married guy' unless and until he is in a position to be a faithful lover and companion. Right now, he is neither to either.

Been on both sides of this. My wife did the fling thing on me. I was pissed and got over it, but a few months later I got into an affair for paybacks and to make myself feel better. Then 4 more women for a total of five different women in a month. Told them all I was married and why I was doing it. Kept it short term though. Then I had a woman that had everything, just inherited over a million dollars, a husband with a good job, a nice home and two kids 2-4 years old, but she was un-happy. We went out and had our affair off and on for half a year. I finally got my f--- trophy and was happy. I ended up breaking it off with her and sent her home to her husband before he found out, and ended up hurt and on the prowl like me. Was hard to let her, and the money walk away, but did not want to see the kids and her husband get hurt. She was a very attractive and classy lady! It's been ten years now and I talk to her once a year just to say hello, but she's glad I sent her away, and I think it was better for both of our families. The money was very attractive too by the way.
My wife has no idea of what I walked away from to stay with her. She wanted me to stay, even though I was ready to leave. My kids were 2-4 when my wife did it, and that was the only reason I stayed at the time, was for them. Having someone cheat on you is harder and more painful than being shot! If his wife finds out, she will be hurt as well as the kids. An entire family will be wrecked. It is a slim chance that they will stay together or make it, if they try.
My wife and I do kind of hang out as friends now, and things are going fairly smooth, but it was a train wreck for a while. Don't wreck a family, think of the kids. If he's un-happy, let him leave first, don't be the reason he leaves.
I told my wife about everything I did to make myself feel better, and some for payback. I waited and told her on my anniversary! I did that since she got with her boyfriend to change gifts on Christmas, which was also my birthday! I figured if she could give me such a nice Christmas and birthday gift, I had to top it!
I heard it all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, an eye for an eye, two wrongs don't make a right, etc. everyone had their two cents to put into it. In the end my wife got over it and her gift, and I got over my gift. She realizes it would have never happened if she would not have pulled off her crap. I had a ton of chances to cheat, and my friends could not believe how much I got hit on and had chances to cheat, but always stayed faithful,(until she jacked me). My wife had a few girlfriends that got screwed and didn't have squat, and that were jealous of her, and practiced the misery likes company theory. They coached her into having fun and some excitement because I didn't care. Yeah right! I was busy trying to ensure her a good home and future.
Well, needless to say those whores are single again and in crapsville. Ha Ha Ha for them. After 23 years together, we are the only ones out of her and her three girlfriends that she grew up with that are still married. Two of her sisters are divorced too! Too bad! We were the last ones anyone expected to make it this far.
Glad to see they were wrong. Anyway, you see the chain reaction that happens, do you want to kill a family??

Hello, jack: what a neat account of what goes on out there! Thanks for an interesting read. As for tracy, she isn't killing her family; her paramour is doing that. I'm not giving her 'victim' status by any means; she needs to know when to back up and when to go forward.

hello everyone and please forgive what i am about to write, i had no contact for about 4 days although he was ringing, texting etc. Got so depressed, fed up what ever you want to call it just plain stupid springs to mind that i answered phone and met him, now feel as if i am back to square one again with the no contact thing. This is so hard just dont know what to do

Tracy, you did something you never did before - You were able to not answer his
Calls and texts for four days. Hold on to that knowing you can do it.
Here's what to do:

1) Ignore him for four more days, then four more, then four more... and keep going.
Every time the four days pops up... doing something extra for yourself.

2) Go back to choosing NOT to be second best, second choice, second anything, to anybody.

Hello and thank you all so much for comments, advice this is hard I won't lie. Jackofalltrades thank you for your story, I really do not want to hurt anyone honestly. Could anyone show me the way to posts that could relate to me, I have read the no contact one, and many others please help

Hi Tracy,

Under Tal's signature, he has a number of threads that may be helpful to you.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/talaniman.html

Look under "check these post" and click on them.

You can do this!!