Hi
Feeling a little lost at the minute. I've read through some of the other posts to do with dealing with giving partners space, but I need some advice on my own personal situation. I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years, we had our ups and downs - I cheated on her at the beginning of the relationship, we broke up for a few days and she came back to me saying she wanted to try again. Throughout our relationship she did throw it back in my face a few times, but I can honestly say it was worth it. We spent a lot of time together and became best friends as well as lovers.

The sh*t hit the fan when she went on my computer and saw a conversation between me and a female friend of mine (a friend whom she has never liked and always warned me about) the conversation was clean, but I must admit my friend is very flirty by nature. My girlfriend got upset I tried my best to explain, but I could see that it didn't look good. I love my girlfriend and I would never cheat on her (again) She said she wanted space to clear her head and to see if she could learn to trust me, she said that she loved me with all of her but our relationship had been bulit on rocky foundations and space would allow us to start again with a clean slate.

A week has since past and I have been stupid and have pestered her, I wanted her to know how upset I was over the situation, I know now that this was wrong of me.
She said that I was being selfish by not giving her time, and she didn't know if she could be with someone like that. The conversation ended with her telling me that if she wanted to get back with me she'd call me.

Its been a day and I find myself so eager to talk to her ( I feel very pathetic) I miss her beyond words. Did I mess up my chances of her coming back to me by bugging her?
Any advice on what I should do?

I wouldn't say you messed up... if you let her be the second she requested a break, she might have seen it as "you dont care enough".. So you pestered her a little bit - now she knows you care - now you let it be.. Don't pressure her any more, because then you may harm your chances , yes.. it sucks that she doesn't trust you but you can't really blame her can you?
You can only give her the space and time she needs..

The conversation ended with her telling me that if she wanted to get back with me she'd call me.

You have made your mistake, now give her what she wants.

Leave her alone for now. By going against her wish, you may have done more good than harm. I know if I told my man that I need space and he blew me off I would think that he doesn't care about working things out. You already confessed your feelings so give her what she wants for a little while.

Leave her alone for now.

How much time is too much time? If she contacts me within a short space of time should I ignore her? Im not up for playing games, nor is she the type to respond well to them - I just want her to be sure.

She has a lot to think about, as you have cheated, and entertained the flirtations of another behind her back, and you may just gloss over that, but she was hurt, and has trust issues with you, and rightfully so. Pressuring her now is selfish, and uncaring so, either sweat it out or walk away.

How much time is too much time?
Thats up to her.
If she contacts me within a short space of time should I ignore her?
No, you talk. Honestly.

I know the feeling. May I suggest you call a friend instead or anytime you feel like calling her come and pour out your feelings on this site. That is what I am trying to do at the moment while my GF is visiting her family.

She called - we met up.
To sum it up she basically said that our relationship had taken its toll on her, and she wants some time out, said she wants us to get to know each other as friends as we jumped head first into the relationship (which is true). I expressed my concern about that being difficult and problematic, she couldn't see where I was coming from and she said that she was worth the wait - to this I agreed. I told her that I was too in love with her to be friends with her and that it might be easier to just let go altogether, she replied with that she loves me too and it's a guarntee that we'll end up getting back together (just not now). The thought of her being with someone else kills me, but after all that she's put up from me I feel I owe her this. I told her id try it her way and that it might be good for us to get to know each other in a different way, however I do have my doubts and concerns.

What do you guys think?
I honestly know deep down that I don't want to be with anyone else.

She is testing you. She knows how she feels, but has doubts of how you feel. She is setting you free, to get your head in order, and make a decision, on your own with no pressure from her. Know the reason why, is your past behavior, and her hurt feelings, at those past actions.

I would be hesitant to believe someone who wants a break but tells me that it is a guarantee that you will be getting back together. She may have intentions of getting back together with you in the future, but you certainly CANNOT put your life on hold.

If I understand what Tal is trying to say, she wants to see how you can handle being without her. She wants to know that you aren't going to run away and forget about her, as she probably has trouble trusting your sincerity because of your past actions.

What you must make sure you DO NOT do is sit around and wait to hear from her. She told you that it is a "guarantee" that you will get back together, but I wouldn't read too much into that. If it was guaranteed, there would be no need for a break.

Take the space she is giving you to become happy and healthy. Learn to separate your life a little bit from hers so that you can see yourself happy with or without her. Give her the space she wants, and take the opportunity to take some space yourself. Who knows how you will feel in time...

She is setting you free, to get your head in order, and make a decision, on your own with no pressure from her.

Really didn't look at it like this. So over time she'll see my feelings for her?

Cheers for the input/ honesty guys, I guess its time for me to stop analyzing this. What will be will be.

Over-analyzing is a very dangerous thing. It's a problem I have as well.

I know its easier said then done, but stop thinking about it so much. The best way to do that - get busy. Go out with friends, do anything you need to to keep busy.

Hi guys

Update -

As time goes on, I seem to be getting more confused. We've been friendly with each other and have had sex (once since the break up). I called her the other day, she had just woken up and her voice just got to me straight away. Her voice made me feel peaceful and at home (if that makes any sense) I asked her how she was etc she told me that she had received an email I had sent her a few nights previously (which basically said that id let her go if she was sure that was what she wanted) she said she didn't want this because she still loved me, I told her I loved her too - she said good. We arranged to meet a few hours later.

I felt very uplifted after this conversation, and worked myself up a bit. She cancelled our meeting saying she was too busy, which was actually fine (this was yesterday). She called me today and we met for half an hour - she was very touchy feely with me and tried to kiss me, I felt a bit awkward and told her so she apologized. I told her that it might be best that we didn't see each other for a while, she said she couldn't live without me - at this point I had to leave and go home (due to prior arrangements).

My one and only question - is she playing with me?
God.. this is driving me insane.

First off, having sex with her is a definite no-no. She broke up with you, then she said she wanted to meet you and then cancelled. The only time she sees you (it seems) is if she is getting some sort of gratification out if it, whether it be sex or her being touchy feely.

It sounds like you are dangerously close to the line of being used as a friend with benefits. You need to be careful here as what happens if she finds someone else who strikes her fancy, and since you aren't technically together, she is free to go. How will you feel then?

Take some time to think about these things before you continue to talk to/see her.

The thought of her with someone else kills me - she knows this, we've spoken about it a lot. I told her that it seems that sex is all she wants from me (after it happended) she said I was wrong. Time doesn't seem to be solving anything here.

Going into any relationship is a risk, so being worried and paranoid is no good as you will see whatever you want no matter if its true or not. Better get yourself under control, because your involved with a female who knows exactly what she is doing, and you don't.


Time doesn't seem to be solving anything here.
Could it be your too much in a hurry, and thinking with the little head. Yes that's what I think!

Sorry dude you're the one who through the confusion in the game, in the first place, and wanted to be forgiven, so get used to going at her pace.

I told her that it seems that sex is all she wants from me
LOL, Then you know how she must be feeling with the way you behaved.

LOL, Then you know how she must be feeling with the way you behaved.


Yes all of this is my fault, I'm really not trying to make her look like the bad guy. The situation if anything has opened my eyes to how I was and how I actually feel about her.
Of course I want her back as quickly as possible, and your right she does know what she's doing and yes I have no clue :(

Let yourself heal by leaving her alone. You are getting emotionally thrown around, and you don't need it.

Yes all of this is my fault, im really not trying to make her look like the bad guy. The situation if anything has opened my eyes to how i was and how i actually feel about her.
Of course i want her back as quickly as possible, and your right she does know what shes doing and yes i have no clue :(
Sometimes being slow and careful, is the best way to go. At least it may give you time to think, and not just react. Me I backoff, and slowdown, and pay attention.

I have managed to complete my first day of not contacting her. Why does it feel so wrong?

It might feel wrong because you feel a little gulity and miss her that's natural. The good thing is that your giving her what she asked for and in the same token the break can help clear your head.

I see what your saying, it just feels as though I'm going mad. I really cannot stop thinking about her. Nothing seems important.

I know this might girly but how about writing down how you feel instead of keeping it in.

I know this might girly but how about writing down how you feel instead of keeping it in.

It took me a big while (about a year) to open up to this girl and completely let her in. I openly admit that at the beginning I did her wrong, I just feel cheated that she's walked out on me like this.

As others here can attest, healing can be a very painful process, and may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. After day one, not trying to scare you at ail but the pain, and confusion will get much worse, but hang in there and have some faith in yourself, because you can do this, no doubt as have many others here.

No lessons in life worth learning are easy to learn. The pain you feel is your mind being 'untrained' from the routine you were in, and learning to cope with the loss of someone dear to you.

Healing is a terrible process because it takes the one thing we don't want to give it, TIME. We always want the quick fix, but there isn't. If you don't go NC, she's going to continue to make your life and mental stability a living hell.

Thanks for all the advice, really appreciate all of it. At the end of the day I'm the reason why this didn't work out. I think if she had done anything even close to wrong during the relationship, I'd be finding this a lot easier. I just have this nagging feeling that I shouldn't give up on her though :(
She sent me an email, I won't post it up but it went along the lines of she's sorry for keeping me hanging, that she's overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. She doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. That she misses me a lot but at the same time she hates me. She says that she's angry about all of this and for not taking me back right now. She doesn't know where she's searching for the answer and doesn't know when she'll know. She suggests that I move on because then she may realise what it is that she wants.

Any input?
Is she letting me down gently here?

You have 2 choices...
Sit there and feel sorry for yourself, blame yourself for the break up, and wait or you can move on with your life..
My choice would be to move on.. She said she doesn't want to be with you right now so there's nothing you can do to make her change her mind. So it would be pointless to wait around for something that may not even happen... (her comin' back)
& Even though you feel you shouldn't give up on her, you must... Life goes on with or without her.. It will be hard, everyone here knows how hard it is... but you have to let her go...
"If you love something set her free, if it comes back it was yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be"... It will hurt, but it gets better with time :(

Sit there and feel sorry for yourself, blame yourself for the break up, and wait or you can move on with your life..
My choice would be to move on..
Had to spread the rep, but this is well put. Doncha hate it when you have a choice?

All too common my friend.

My ex told me that she needed some time, and we wouldn't talk for a week and the next week we would discuss where we stand. Lucky for me, I had already learned the hard way what that meant. I immediately initiated no contact and assumed, for that entire week, that we were broken up. It was funny because by the time she emailed me the next weekend, I forgot that we were technically "only on a break". Either way, she was extremely upset, crying and worried that I was going to "hate her" and "never talk to her again" because she kept me hanging on. Lucky for me, I didn't let that happen and I wasn't phased by her telling me that. I started moving on, and I think I even helped her out by not being upset.

So yes, you do have the choice - but in reality, there is only one decision to be made. Move on, get happy, and look forward to good times again. In time, you will see yourself doing everything you want, and more, in a new relationship.

When I reflect back and feel bad about what happened in my relationship, or when I hear songs or pass places which bring up memories I know am able to think ahead, and smile, about when I will be able to do that with my next girlfriend. It is an amazing feeling to imagine making someone else so incredibly happy. It inspires me to keep at NC.

You will feel that some day, trust me.

When I reflect back and feel bad about what happened in my relationship, or when I hear songs or pass places which bring up memories I know am able to think ahead, and smile, about when I will be able to do that with my next girlfriend. It is an amazing feeling to imagine making someone else so incredibly happy. It inspires me to keep at NC.

Tried to agree with you there bird but I wasn't allowed. That's a great way of motivating yourself for NC, not to mention a really exciting thought in general. I am going to use this.

Thanks guys, today I'm feeling up beat. Last night she told me my love for her was on the brink of obsession - Jesus that really woke me up to all of this. NC will definitely be no problem now.

There it is! GOOD Cheeky, anger is the first step to successful NC. You first start NC to get her back, then after it fails and you cave. You get angry and start it again and this time is sticks. Check out the NC Calendor and start counting the days my friend. It will be great, push for 30 days then 60 then 90. You can do it

I did start to look forward, went out with my buddies we started drinking pretty early and then hit a club. Bad move - she turns up with her friends + a new male addition who I noticed was paying particular attention to her. She kept trying to say hello, I just ignored her, this didn't last it got too much I took her outside asked her who her new friend was she said it was none of my business and she was trying to move on. Watching her with him (even though they were just dancing next to each other) drove me insane. I grabbed her and had a go at her. Even though we're not together I felt very disrespected. She told me she still loved me, but at this point I was far too angry. My friends dragged me off tried to calm me down but it didn't work. I went over to her and called her every name under the sun even went as low as giving the bloke some verbal abuse, in order to save any sanity I had left I vacated shortly after this. Even though I feel awful about it all now, it is a bit comical.

We both live party life styles and we're from a small town - we are constantly going to be bumping into each other. I was very drunk, but even in a sober state I think I still would have made a scene.

I apologised through email the following day, and told her I'm going to wait for her because I truly love her, I asked her not to reply and she hasn't.

A good friend, who probably has a better understanding of both me, my ex and the situation then I do. Tells me that I should back off, not question her and make sacrifices (i.e. by not getting involved with any other female) and let this play out.

Is it too late to start playing the waiting game?
I know I must move on in my own life,
But the potential constant bumping into her makes it seem impossible.