Entire story merged

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. Everything has been wonderful up until recently. All of the sudden he wants to hang out with his friends ALL the time and we never see/talk to each other anymore. It really kills me because sometimes he's emotionally insensitive and just doesn't care that he really hurts my feelings by not even calling me or not wanting to talk. I really miss him and I hate being away from him like this. We used to be so close and now I feel more far away than ever. I constantly worry about him cheating on me ( he works from 7pm- 1 or 3 am). And he's always out on the weekends and he doesn't tell me what he does. When we had first gotten together, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd and I was always out and partying. He was like a good guy outa my bad lifestyle. At first we were just casual friends and then he started hounding me about being his girlfriend, so I decided "hell, i really like the guy so why not!". He turned out to be the love of my life. There hasn't been a day ever since that I haven't thought about him/called him/messaged him. He really is a good guy, its just the whole space thing is hurting me. I understand, he's a grown man and he needs his space and time for himself its just he's taking ALL of his time and I don't want him to forget I exist. Which is what it feels like lately. Any suggestions? I've tried just leaving him alone or talking to him about it but neither are working. I can't sleep and I barely eat. I know I sound silly but it really is hurting me. Advice?

If he wants space give it to him. It sounds as if this relationship is all you and no him, so back way off and go about your own life and get busy without him. Good relationships need balance to work, both have to be on the same page and working together. This is not the case here. He seems to be pulling away so leave him alone and see if he comes to you.

The thing is, I've tried keeping my distance- but it doesn't do anything. It isn't all about me. Its all about us. And I just really miss us being together and I'm concerned for him. Lately he's become incredibly selfish and I understand with the space and all, but its just pure rude sometimes. I just don't appreciate his behavior and I'm tired of waiting for him to come around and being left alone. I would love to have something to keep me busy, but the fact is that I don't. When I said before that iwas hanging out with the wrong crowd, I meant it. I stopped hanging out with them to be with him and I wouldn't ever want to go back to being friends with them. I haven't made any new friends so it's hard to handle this sudden separation. I don't know. I'm making excuses but at the same time this is all true. I'm just confused.

Now would be a good time to find out who you are and what your about. What you like and how YOU want to be. Maybe the problem was you depended on some guy to give you a life and make you happy. Big mistake. Whatever it takes get out and make friends and do things you like. You must never depend on someone else to make you happy, that's your job.Do you work, have a hobby?

Ima fulltime student. I'm really into school. Umm my last hobby was my next high sooooo yah. I like french, this is my 3rd year. Ummm I don't know. Most of my life is school/home/bf. And when I'm not at school and not with my boyfriend I'm at home doing nothing all day/night. I've become somewhat of an insomniac and I just don't know. I'm on prescription welbutrin(anti-depressants) and that keeps me awake, but if I don't take them I sleep all the time. As far as friends go, there's nowhere to really meet new people around here unless you already know a group of friends. My only friend right now is this guy named danny who goes to my school. We never hang out because he lives like 45 minutes away from me and we just never talk except on aim or at school. I sort of like him but I don't know. If this goes on with my boyfriend I think I might just develop even more interest in danny. He's like my only friend and I sort of feel bad about liking him because I wouldn't want my boyfriend to have a girl_friend that he liked and being around her when I'm not around. You know? Its just blahh. I don't know what to do and I haven't slept in 2 days.

See your doctor and tell him about your sleep problems, I'm almost sure he can help.

It sounds like your boyfriend is too busy right now for you. Do some things with Danny and do not worry about what your b/f thinks or feels. He is busy doing his thing and does not seem to worry about you. You do not have to become serious with Danny, just hang out some. I take it you are still in high school, that is a time to have fun with different types of personalities. You should not ever be sitting around waiting for someone to call. This is the fun time of your life, no responsibilities. I remember it was difficult to change groups while in school. I was fortunate, I had friends in a few different groups. Danny may be a good friend and introduce you to a new group of people. Do you go to a church? That is also a place to find new people.

We agree with all of the answers given and We think that you should walk away from this guy. He does not like you as much as you like him and that is apparent by his actions. Try getting to know who you are and stay young and free! Enjoy life, meet new people and try new things! You will get over him and that is probably when he will want you back, then you can tell him you just need some space!

Truthfully. At 16 your in a very different place than a 20 year old man and I just think you should be into school and your own future, not living with some dude who is way older. For a high schooler to act as an adult is a tremendous burden that I really don't think your ready for. You should be enjoying friends and a social life not playing house.

You're going to have to realize that right now he wants his space so the two of you are going to have to go your separate ways for now. Build a life that doesn't include him. I certainly don't advocate "hanging out with the wrong crowd" and it's not his responsibility to keep you from doing that. You need to be willing to let him go and move on. I'm sure it'll be rough at first but you've got to do it nevertheless. Pursue some new interests ; take a class, join a dance club or a bowling league. Hang out with friends (the "right" crowd this time.) You need to be able to enjoy life just as much without him as with him.

the thing is, I've tried keeping my distance- but it doesn't do anything. It isn't all about me. Its all about us. And I just really miss us being together and I'm concerned for him. Lately he's become incredibly selfish and I understand with the space and all, but its just pure rude sometimes. I just don't appreciate his behavior and I'm tired of waiting for him to come around and being left alone. I would love to have something to keep me busy, but the fact is that I don't. When I said before that iwas hanging out with the wrong crowd, I meant it. I stopped hanging out with them to be with him and I wouldn't ever want to go back to being friends with them. I haven't made any new friends so it's hard to handle this sudden separation. I don't know. I'm making excuses but at the same time this is all true. I'm just confused.

Don't you see that it is all about you?


I really miss us being together


I am concerned for him


I just don't appreciate his behavior and I'm tired of waiting for him to come around and being left alone.

He is running away from all that. It is too much "you."

From what I read you are 16 he is 20. You both are in 2 different life stages. He has been there and done all of the things you are doing now.

I was actually really into the idea of doing the foreign exchange program next summer. Id love to go to Paris, but it'd be too damn expensive. I figure I could spend 2 months in Quebec. It'd be awesome

You sound like you are saying bad association is spoiling any useful habits that he had or may had... before they (meaning his new friends or friends that are jealous of his new relationship with you ) enter into his life...

What is important for you to understand is that you are not silly for missing some you care about... but,. it is time for you to find something else to do... he is young and so are you... his adventures with life is just beginning and so should yours... women are more mature than man... women in some case are really to settle down faster than men... just find something else to do... like volunteer work... going out with your friends... visiting coffee shops... just find something else to do and do not be available for him for a long while... until you see a change in him... like he is mature...

i was actually really into the idea of doing the foreign exchange program next summer. id love to go to Paris, but it'd be too damn expensive. I figure I could spend 2 months in Quebec. it'd be awesome

Yes ; Quebec is a very nice place. You'd love it.

Personally - time for a new boyfriend. Your relationship ran it's course.

"hes emotionally insensitive and just doesn't care that he really hurts my feelings " - and yo uwant to be with this guy? Ha! Why not date a brick wall instead?

Time to move on. Let him see life without you. Stop call. Stop e-mail. Stop texting!

PLUS - your too young for this guy, He knows. I have a stron gfeelin ghe used you and now he's done.

You need to be single and forget about all men for a while and sort out your own issues that you have brought up in this thread and your other.

Forget the boys. Travel and study!

You'll love it!

Wow. I got myself in a bad situation. OK well, to start, I have a boyfriend that I've been with for 1 year and 1 month and I really do have strong feelings for him. The only thing is, we hardly ever see each other and there's a big age gap between us.(he's 20, I'm 16) and we're at different stages in our lives. Neither of our familys like us being together. And whenever we do see each other, we don't usually have a lot of time to spend with each other. Then, I recently met a guy who's really really sweet and adorable. He's friends with all of my friends(my friends and my boyfriend don't get along either) and he lives close to home and we hangout everyday afterschool. I really like this guy, but I also DO love my boyfriend. Well last night at a party, I got a little wasted and I ended up kissing this new guy. I feel horrible about it but this isn't the first time I've kissed other guys while I've been with my bf(knowing this makes me feel like a slut). My boyfriend knows about the other guys but doesn't know about this one. I plan on telling him today that I have some feelings for this new guy and expaining everything. Its just I really really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stay with my boyfriend and part of me wants to start over new with someone who has a lot to offer me. What should I do?

-sonya

Still having problems with that 20 year old I see. Are you still living with him? Kick him to the curb and enjoy those in your own age and be happy.

Still having problems with that 20 year old I see. Are you still living with him? Kick him to the curb and enjoy those in your own age and be happy.


Yeah I just called him and told him and he broke up with me. He called me a dumb little girl and stuff so I don't even want to get back with him. He's not good enough for me if he's going to treat me like that

Don't don't a guy that much older than you. He apparently can't handle a girl his own age so he has to get a younger more immature one that he can easily take advantage of. Stick to your age group.

Stop getting wasted, it's not worth it, you'll get a bad reputation, have lots of regrets and hurt your parents when they find out. It's not worth it!

My boyfriend is 21 and I'm just turning 17. My sister feels its her duty to inform my entire extended family that I'm dating an older guy. My whole family dislikes me now because they think I'm some kind of superslut and my boyfriend is some kind of child molester(which is far from the case). My uncle and grandpa want to arrest my boyfriend for being with me which I think is ridiculous. Considering the 2 facts that: a) my family barely knows me because they never try to make any contact with me unless I'm in trouble, which I never am and b) they don't know my boyfriend nor have ever met him, but just want to arrest him because they think he's a threat to me. I have no clue what to do about my family but it just makes me want to bridge the gap between us even more. It's like I really am a good kid and they think I'm a horrible person just because I have an older boyfriend. I have no intention whatsoever to break up with my boyfriend over something like this, but I just don't know how to deal. Help?

Well of course in about 1/2 of the US states, if you and your boyfriend havve been having sex, he could go to jail, since almost 17 means you are still 16. The arrest issue is that it does not matter if they meet him or not, by law ( and against depends on the state in the US, 16 is legal in some states, but illegal still in many states) so if you and he has had sex, but law, not your opinion, not my opinoin, but by the law he is a guilty of rape and would end up being listed a sex offender the rest of his life.

I don't have as much issue with a 17 year old with a 21 year old, but of course the other issue is that if the parent having custody of you, tells you not to see them and you still do, guess what, another legal issue interfering with custody, since he is causing you to disobey your parent or guardian. So yes, most likely they can cause him to be arrested if they really want to ( depending on the state you are at)

But most people look at a 21 year old, and say what do they want with a 16 year old ( almost 17) and the though sex comes to mind, since most other things in common would be less. So they care enough for you to want to protect you from someone older that may be taking advantage of you.

Not really telling you what to do, just some ideas of what could happen down the road.

You and him have been off and on for a while, and as I read your story from other posts you've made https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1312544 I guess you guys have decided to be together. You have to understand your family only wants to protect you, so bringing your b/f around them at this time, may not be a great idea. It may cause more problems than it solves. You can't change peoples minds over night

I was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, and some of you may have read my older posts. We've been through a lot. Our relationship was a long term emotional roller coaster. I recently broke up with him because I discovered that throughout our entire relationship, he was talking to other girls behind my back, seeing other girls behind my back, and being a compulsive liar when I tried to address him about it. He told me he wanted to "keep his options open". I told him " i don't want to be one of your options, i want to be the only one". So I broke up with him. Before we broke up I was constantly looking for more and more evidence to prove that he was cheating on me. I kept finding little blog/web pages where he would say he was single and his only friends were females which he talked to in a flirtatious manner. So I ended it. Now I know that I can never go back to him. I just can't bring myself to such self disrespect. I want to start from scratch. I want to discover more about myself before I jump into another foolish relationship like this one. The first thing I want to do is be abstinent for as long as possible. If I find another man that I'm attracted to I want to hold out on sex as long as I possibly can to find out if he truly cares about me. What kind of advice would you give about finding the right person. What should I look for? What red flags should I recognize? How do I make sure this never happens to me again? Thank you for your help

Please begin from learning about each other, and then become friends, and good friends, and finally lovers.
You now could keep your options open, but not in the same selfish way with you ex-boyfriend. So before believing he is the right person, just develop the friendship based on respect and happiness.
I hope you would find Mr. Right soon!

Yeah I want to be with Mr. Right and I just want to eliminate all the Mr. Wrongs that get in his way of being with me

I know a psychology quiz to see whether he likes you or not. Later you can try as a game with him.
Let him pick one of the fingers of your right hand. If he picks thumb, it means true love; the pinkie, it means he likes you but never tells you; index finger, it means he is not serious. (I just remember these :> )

The best way to find someone is to find yourself. If your busy making yourself happy by building a life you enjoy, someone will want to share that happiness with you. Relax and don't rush it, and abstinance until you know someone very well, is a great idea, and cuts down on confusion as to what you feel. Sex complicates things greatly.

From my vault of tell-tale signs:
Ask about his past relationships and why they ended. Keep smiling & chuckle a little and he won't notice you taking MENTAL NOTES.

How long was his longest relationship last.

Meet his friends. It is true that you can judge how someone REALLY is by the type of people they hand around with.

Meet his family--more importantly, his mother. How he treats her and what he says about her is EXACTLY how you will be treated down the road.

Can he maintain employment.

Does his personality change depending who he is with. This could be sign that he is fake or phony. We all clean up out act somewhat but fakers always take it too far--over the top differences.

Does he use foul language as common everyday words? Imagine what type of words he might use when angry with you.

Finally, Is he a bully? This is huge! If he bullies others...

how do I make sure this never happens to me again?


You can't. Nobody can.


There is no guarantee in any relationship. From your posts, you have indicated that you 'search' for proof... not all guys are potential cheaters and you should not focus on that possibility with the next guy right off the bat - that will ensure instant failure. You need to figure out within yourself why you develop distrust. Yes, some of it was justified, but remember that there is always a second chance out there, and the willingness to accept that we all are not perfect helps.

Nobody is perfect, but we do tend to mend our ways, learn and grow, when the right person comes along. Guys take chances with us and we take chances with them in hopes that growing and learning together brings us to bonding.

So, go out there, get to know others, abstain for as long as you want until you feel secure in all other aspects of the relationship and you'll both be rewarded. Check out each other's worlds and see if these worlds can blend into your scheme of a world together. Lots of fun and communication about everything under the sun is always a good start - even if it just winds up as a great friendship.

Good hunting, dear. Keep us posted.

You have to get your feet wet if you want to swim.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)It could take months, and it could take years before we find the right person to share life with.

I was in the same situation with ex instead he use to go the chat line, not a free one, to talk to girls which I found it to very disrespect and left him for it.

Now I just goings out with guys on dates and just taking things slow, I not looking for a relationship and I let them know I make sure I learned all about their past and plans for the future but remember sometimes when your not looking for something that when you find it. Also you meet someone that will appricate the good and bad from you and will love you.It good you went through that with your ex because now you know what you want and don't want and remember actions speaks louder than words. Good luck.

Recently, my ex boyfriend(who was my first and only true love, and whom I was in a relationship with for 2 and 1/2 years) called me super drunk telling me of his adventures at the local famous strip club. He proceeded to tell me how much he missed me, how much he loved me, how much he wanted me back, and for a minute we actually conversed like normal friends. But the thing that freaks me out is that I thought that I was TOTALLY over him( I broke up with him in April of 08, and since then I've been having so much fun and freedom) and apparently I'm not because when he told me he attended the strip club(which he never used to be interested in or have done to my knowledge) and that he planned on attending regularly(once a month) in the future, I collapsed inside like romantic roadkill! I don't know what about him it is that I hate him so much, but love him so much more. I suppose its because I care about him still deep down and I hate the thought of other girls dancing naked around him and I get super jealous to this day! Am I completely retarded as an ex girlfriend? Or is this normal?

Competing against a strip club is no reason to want him back.
He could be using the strip club as a way to guilt you into going back with him. I have seen guys use this logic to 'win' the girl back.
These are not healthy reasons for going back though.
In fact I would say something like ''well I see you have the strip club now so you don't need me'' and see what he says to that. If he is wanting you back he should come up with a reply to indicate that No you are all I want or who I want.

Its not that I want him back, although he really wants me back, its just I can't stop thinking about it! Like its making me obsess about him all over again for some crazy reason. And plus, on his myspace he's added all kinds of slutty girls(most are either overweight, have kids, or are just plain slutty). It drives me nuts, but I don't want to be with him because its like why would I want to be with someone who likes those kind of girls? It even makes me think if he saw me as being that easy and cheap looking, you know? Although I don't want a relationship with him(because Greg Behrendt has taught me much better than that lol), I still have deep emotional feelings about him that make me want to act like a psycho ex girlfriend. I don't like feeling this way, and I'm wondering how I can end these feelings or at least get my mind off him

I think he may be thinking that if he does these things it is getting your attention and making you think about him. Even if it is negative it is still getting you to notice so he is getting what he wants.
Ignore him and get on with your life.

He is just stirring old feelings in you and if you stop the contact, you end the confusion, and super jealousy.

It's that simple, just go NO CONTACT!

No myspace/facebook. No IM or email. No phone calls. Cut him out of your life. You should have done this a while ago.