So a little background info on me...
My elementary life I was always picked on because I was the only non-white kid. I'm indian. I had a small group of friends who stood by my side. Those guys are still my friends today (we're all in college now). But I remember it always took a lot out of me that I was never accepted. Then through out middle school and HS I was just always trying to be accepted by acting like an idiot to get that attention you know. Because of that I was always was the joke little kid of our friend group. Always the one picked on. Never got the girl when everyone else got it. I struggled in school all my life because I was always trying so hard to be accepted when I couldn't just be myself and realize that. I had some gf's but they were all like just to have a girlfriend - girlfriend. To fit in.
Then about late 11th grade I met this other girl. A girl normally with her looks I thought I would never get. I had very low self image of myself. Didn't think I was attractive at all. It was long distance. But we got to see each other more and more once I hit college. But during that time myself confidence was at a all time high. Because she was a girl that a lot of guys tried going for. She was popular. She had looks. I slowly realized that once I started working out more and knew how to dress better and get better hair cuts and all I wasn't that bad either. I started getting decent girls for the first time. I have very bad social skills in real life. I'm very nervous and say stuped things in real life. But in the online world I can be myself and just be normal. That's how me and her talked most of the time online. Like I really believe that if me and her hung out more in real life at the beginning she would be turned off and looked at me as a joke. She got to know the real me online with out me being scared so she liked me. I need to learn how to be THAT person.

So what I'm asking is how do I become the real me? Like every time I go social I just can't do it. I become some idiot. I have a problem being accepted. I'm always the kid of the group because of it. This was a big problem for me my freshman yr of college last yr. people always looked at me as the kid. And I met a lot of people. But never got close enough as a group of friends.
This year though my 2nd yr of college. That girl left me early in the yr. different story. But I believe its because I complained about my life so much. I become too needy. She wasn't the only one a lot of people I was close with started pushing me off because of how I was acting. Always complaining about my life. This and that. It was real lame of me. Cost me so much.
And now I'm trying to take responsibility. I don't complain to anyone anymore. But since the break up last sep I've been very self conscience and I've been doing my best to work with that.

But.. the problem I really need help on is my social skills. I know a lot of people. It was the same in HS. A lot of people knew me but never accepted as like a regular friend. I was always the kid of the group. This yr of college after she left me I started realizing all the problems I have. Like my social skills. So I've been watching what I say. I noticed a big change through out this yr... ppl really respect me more and not just as a kid... like I matured. But still not the close regular friend. Mainly due to I avoided people my freshman yr because I was shy so I'm having trouble really being accepted. Also because this yr I've been watching how I act I have become very quiet. Because I'm always afraid of saying something stupid. But inside me I'm the real me... its like every time I come into public view I change into some other personality that annoys me. I want to be the real me with out being scared the mature me that's inside my head. I guess if that makes sense lol.. I have no idea how to explain this any better

I know this sounds crazy but I need help. I got to change. Like their were times I get girls and go out with them then I say something stupid and it's a big turn off. I have to grow up. I need a life. I'm always lonely because of what my bad social kids have caused me now. I always realized the people who got to know me more really like me. Its just my first impression that I always have a major problem with . Because I'm always shy and have that stupid personality up. And have trouble just breaking the ice and being myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my college life like this. And you I do go out with friends and meet alotta cute girls at parties but like I mentioned I'm afraid of that stupid personality come out. So I'm just so quiet now. I duno. I just want to learn to always be comfortable with my peers and not shy and negative or stupid and what not. I'm dead scared of talking to girls now too. Like I've been doing my best to not act like the old "kid" me. But at the sametime became too scared to even talk now. Which gets me no where. I know this was long but I was trying my best to explain it all. Any idea? I got to make next yr of college worth while for once.
Thanks

Oh and I'm not asking this just directed to my talking to girl problem. I mean just in general talking to any group of peers . Guys and girls.

So you're a little shy? Is this all that's bothering you?
Building up confidence for talking to people is a problem a lot of people have, but some hide it more than others. From the sound of things, you hide your shyness behind a veil of immaturity. Maybe if you just try holding back for a couple of seconds before you speak, you can try to say what you really want to say, rather than whatever you'd otherwise say automatically.
I know what it's like to have a persona that's very unlike your true self. It's mostly defensive mechanisms to conceal personal insecurities. But it becomes automatic and gradually gets integrated as a part of you, whether you want it to or not. You have to try to be consciously aware of what you're saying inn order to control it. But then, maybe it's a spontaneity that's part of you; a part that gets lost in the internet world where every turn of phrase is pre-meditated.
If you feel that complaining about your life is putting strain on your friendships, maybe you could think about seeing a counselor instead. You can't keep your worries bottled up, but if it's all you can ever talk about it, your friends will get worn down pretty quickly. On the other hand... I don't really know the circumstances. Were you really complaining so often? And did you have real cause? Any friend who abandons you in a time of need is hardly worth changing yourself for.
"i started getting decent girls for the first time" Whoa! Slow down! "decent girls"?? What exactly were the other ones? Be careful how you word things! Do you see any hypocrisy in this? It sounds like you're regarding women as a separate species. Maybe you need to step back and realise that girls are just people, and the way to "get" a girl starts by being able to treat them as people. Be friends with them. And as you've said you wish people could know who you really are, maybe you could give girls the same treatment. Like them for who they are rather than their popularity or looks. Otherwise you're undermining your own argument.

Take care,
Kal

So your a little shy? Is this all that's bothering you?
Building up confidence for talking to people is a problem a lot of people have, but some hide it more than others. From the sound of things, you hide your shyness behind a veil of immaturity. Maybe if you just try holding back for a couple of seconds before you speak, you can try to say what you really want to say, rather than whatever you'd otherwise say automatically.
I know what it's like to have a persona that's very unlike your true self. It's mostly defensive mechanisms to conceal personal insecurities. But it becomes automatic and gradually gets integrated as a part of you, whether you want it to or not. You have to try to be consciously aware of what you're saying inn order to control it. But then, maybe it's a spontaneity that's part of you; a part that gets lost in the internet world where every turn of phrase is pre-meditated.
If you feel that complaining about your life is putting strain on your friendships, maybe you could think about seeing a counselor instead. You can't keep your worries bottled up, but if it's all you can ever talk about it, your friends will get worn down pretty quickly. On the other hand... I don't really know the circumstances. Were you really complaining so often? And did you have real cause? Any friend who abandons you in a time of need is hardly worth changing yourself for.
"i started getting decent girls for the first time" Whoa! Slow down! "decent girls"??? What exactly were the other ones? Be careful how you word things! Do you see any hypocrisy in this? It sounds like you're regarding women as a separate species. Maybe you need to step back and realise that girls are just people, and the way to "get" a girl starts by being able to treat them as people. Be friends with them. And as you've said you wish people could know who you really are, maybe you could give girls the same treatment. Like them for who they are rather than their popularity or looks. Otherwise you're undermining your own argument.

Take care,
Kal


Wow I really never have saw it like that. But its so very true. It really is like a defense thing for me. Something that has been there seriously my whole life.
You have any more advice to like get rid of that? Like something I can work with over the summer before next college year. I know its not something I can get rid of in a night. But id really like to work on this. Because I really hate this. I miss out on so much.

For the other thing I duno I've been stessed with everything going on with my life and all this pretty much kept complaining over and over; my ex just started college she's a yr younger than me and. All I can say is when I look back and if a girl I was with was acting the way I was acting towards her. Like all whiny etc I would get annoyed. Then after the break up I pretty much whined over and over to every single friend of mine and cousins of mine for a good 5+ months about how I miss her and trying to think of ways to get back. Crap like that you know. And you know sooner or later everyone gets annoyed so I don't blame them. It was a wake up call for me.
And yes I have been seeing a school therapist she wants to me to go on anti depresentss since I've been depressed every day since like last late sep. but aside from that I've been doing my best to change and improve all the bad stuff about me. Even my ex mentioned "your really different" stuff like that. Like people are noticing .

But back to real thing that's bothering me. Like seriously that is my biggest problem with me. The defense thing you mentioned. Getting past that. Like I've been going through that my whole life. Like once I'm alone I look back at how I acted that day when I was with the people I'm always like wow... why do I do that

You don't happen to have any more advice to getting past that do you? Like something I can really work on over the summer before college starts up again?

Well... for me, I can feel a gradual build-up in hype before I start saying really stupid things. If I'm consciously aware of it, I can tell myself to pull away, and try to think before speaking. I take a few deep breaths, and concentrate harder on the conversation to make sure what I'm saying is relevant. If I don't do this, I get sidetracked and talk nonsensically.
You could do something similar. When you're in a situation where you know you'll be nervous or act up, put that into your mind before you even start talking. Of course, this can have the disadvantage of making you come across as detached in a conversation.
Another technique you can use when you meet new people, is to just ask questions. This will stop you from seeming so full-on in first impressions, and also make you come across as a more sensitive guy. When you meet someone new, ask about their tastes, hobbies, family, pets etc. Just try to get people comfortable around you before you go into hyperactive mode. Once they know you, it won't seem so confronting.
And the therapist is a great thing to have, partly because it gives you an unbiased perspective, but mostly because it gies you an outlet for all your worries. If your talking to someone about the things that are bothering you, you won't be as tempted to burden your friends with it all the time (although your friends should be able to support you when you need it).
Also, just take time out for yourself. If you try to take control of your own mind and body, and feel comfortable in yourself, other people are more likely to be comfortable with you.

Kal

I'll make this short and sweet.

Yesterday's gone!

Get a part time job where you have to be social to strangers, like a retail clerk or a server. That is an excellent way to develop social skills... you are forced to focus on another person and making conversation... I was very shy with boys in high school, but having a job really was what caused me to break the ice as far as talking without being self-conscious. Don't forget, you have three subjects you can discuss at length... what are yours?

Lots of practice makes perfect. :)