My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We started dating when I was in the
10th grade. We had to split up for a little while because my parents hated him. But we always seemed to find each other again so the first two years of our relationship was an on again off again relationship. After I turned 18 we started dating steady again. And my parents grew to like him. We had a little girl in 2005, and decided to move in together. We lived together for a little while, and then he got custody of his daughter (who then was 5, now she is almost 8). I wanted to marry him then, but he always said that we didn't have the money, and he wanted to make sure he could take care of all of us. I told him that it was a little to late to make sure he could take care of all of us. He should have thought about that BEFORE he had kids. (RIGHT! ) Anyway, about a year later my aunt gave me a whole bunch of stuff for my wedding from her job, when ever I get married. And he went and told my mom that I was pressering him into marriage, and that he wasn't ready. And now in Feb. of 2008, we had a baby boy. Now that my family is complete with 2 girls and 1 boy. I want to get married. He has asked me in the past, but it always sounded like a joke. Because he would just say " Okay, you want to get married? Let's go." And he knows that I am a traditional girl, you know with a proposal, and a wedding. I don't want a big one, just a small one. But I can't get any! Help, what can I do? I know he loves me and we will be together for the rest of our lives. But I want more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend title. I don't want to introduce our family as " This is my BOYFRIEND, HIS daughter, and OUR 2 kids." I want to introduce our family as "This is my HUSBAND and OUR 3 kids." Somebody help me, please!!

Please, re-read your note.

Name something in your note, anything for that matter that gives you the slightest hint of possible marriage with your boyfriend!

Life happens.

You've perhaps rejected him. So his proposal wasn't the knee on the floor variety. I'm ten years into a relationship, eight years into a marriage, and our "proposal" was more like "so when are we getting married?"...

no... there weren't cherubs flying around, no big drama. So what?

So... two issues bother me. He's thrown it out there and you've rejected it because it wasn't to your standards.

Likewise, you can't criticise him about having money and kids, when you were sleeping with him, just as he was with you. You knew what sex could lead to... you don't get to imply he's being a jerk when you are willing to sleep with a man that you aren't married to. It was your choice too.

So what now? Time to talk it out openly. If, after several years together, you both can't be on the same page and talk about this... then you don't belong together. Period.

It might not be what you want to hear... but a marriage that isn't founded on both people being on the same planet is a marriage that won't last, kids or not.

Well...

Honestly, I am concerned that you aren't on the same page.

I do understand that some people want the "prince charming" ideal... "perfect" proposal and all... but sometimes the reality can be more than adequate, even if it isn't worth a storybook ending.

And I'm not going to guarantee anything, especially with a young relationship.

I will state talking openly about this is the best thing for all... if it means you both choose to step forward, great. If it means you come to a wall you cannot agree on, then you know the reality.

He shouldn't be pressured into marrying if he isn't ready. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting a husband, a partner, and a father to be present. Time to figure out if you both are on the same page, just speaking different languages.

Addyriley,

I'm sorry that you disagree with me, however, I'll stick to previous comments.

Your boyfriend and father of three has clearly avoided marriage for how long now, 7 years. Factor in the 3 children and dollars to donuts, he sees no real need to be married so, why bother.

Let me inject some common sense here. Why after seven years of living together has he not dragged you kicking and screaming to the altar?

Because you've been putting pressure on him to marry you! Now there's an answer for you. Little you is putting so much pressure on him that he has to run to your mommy and tells her you need to stop pressuring him.

Sit his fanny down and ask him point blank why he does not want to marry you. Let me know what he says. Also, I a little curious as to why you would want to marry someone who doesn't seem to share the same feeling as you do.

addyriley disagrees: He has said to me before that he wanted to get married, but I thought he was just kidding around because of the way he said it.
Please note that disagrees are intended to be for factually incorrect posts, though they can be used in differences of opinion as well. If you disagree with everyone on the site who has a differing opinion, well... then you aren't really getting the benefit of a public forum.

This isn't about pats on the back. Hearing things you don't like is a part of getting a reality check.

And when you yourself aren't sure he's going to marry you, how can you chastise a member for asking you to point to a solid representation of your bf's intent? You yourself presented it as if you didn't believe it.

So please, restrain yourself on the disagree button. You are new to the site, but throwing disagrees around so easily will quickly make nobody want to post, help, or spend time on you.

This again reminds me of the old saying, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! Sorry Hunny, but you have put yourself in a position of giving him what he wants for free. By that I mean all the sex and none of the responsibilities of marriage.

donf,
Thank you for the advice, about the disagreeing, I just didn't understand what you were trying to say to me. I will talk to him. I think that is the best way to figure out what I don't understand. Thanks Again

kp2171,
I don't think I was pressuring him into marring me I was bring stuff home that was given to me. Although, I do see how he could see that as pressuring him. I will sit down with him and figure out if we both want the same thing. I feel that he does he just doesn't know how to tell me. Thanks again for your advice

Please let us know what he says after talking to him.

You say you are a traditional girl but evidently after kids with him
Your 'putting the cart before the horse' he doesn't see you as traditional
Traditional would be proposal, wedding, babies.
The concept of marriage is probably as essential to him as knowing the price of rice in China.

It never surprises me to see someone who decides just to live together, have kids without being married and then in a few years wonder why the other person does not want to, (NO NEED) they have everything just the way they want without it,

And someone stole my buying the cow story but it is so true but people will not believe it.

So it may be that you tell him you want to, and see where the converstatoin goes. ** I do them on Saturdays, got one planned for an amusement park this weekend

You may THINK you are a traditional girl, but having children and not being married is NOT being traditional one iota. Think about it for a second. You have not lead a traditional life and he did say let's get married. What do you want from this guy? He wants to make it legal and you want this and want that. Sounds to me like nothing this guy does seems to matter as it's all you, you, you, and not him, him and the kids. Sorry. You need to do some serious rethinking here dearie.

I feel your pain. We don't have any kids, but yet we've been living like a married couple for years and I don't understand why he won't just do it, especially since we've talked about it and he knows that it's important to me and I want it.

I know you say you're a traditional girl, but it's 2008. What about if all of a sudden we popped the question on them? What if? We want it, so who says we have to wait around until the time is right for them? How about buying them an engagement ring? How would they like to wear that thing for a year or two before we actually get married, and us wear nothing.. . Everyone knowing they're taken just from a glance?? I think it puts a different perspective on things, don't you? I'm going to try it. I've always been a traditional girl too, but I'm done with all this waiting around until he's ready. Not to mention, nowadays guys aren't really raised the way that we're raised with our expectations. They don't court the way they used to, but yet they still have all the pressure of selecting a wife and giving her a proper proposal and wedding. Let's take things into our own hands. That's my input, I know it may not be what you want to hear, but I found your question by inserting the question "Why won't my boyfriend marry me?" and I had a new thought. Let's do it!

You do realize that being a traditional girl you would not wear a white wedding dress for your wedding??

Cream color is nice

You that's what I was thinking, but he's got to ask me or we will never know if cream will look good.. hehehe... it will happen sooner or later... I just wish it would be sooner.

I have a lady friend in another country who is 28, 6'4", blonde, and a real beauty. She is a virgin and never married. She is now an ex-policewoman and working in the navy. She is a traditional lady who will NOT have sex unless she is married. That's what I call a traditional girl, honey. She was brought up differently with different values by her parents.

If the time comes, wear what you want.

My wife, having been a single mother at age 20, wore a beautiful spaghetti strap white gown. Who gives a damn about the color of the dress? If people were honest about this, most would never wear white. She looked gorgeous.

Yes, you've done things "backwards"... sure it can be done better... I also question some of your decisions. But I'm thinking about not throwing too many stones, as I've had my own "nontraditional" transgressions along the way. I'm sure I'm not the first to have premarital sex... my wife wasn't the first woman brave enough to raise a child alone when the father didn't step up... so if white makes you happy, let it bother those who care for gossip and finger-pointing.

this is getting off topic and pi$$ing me off.

yes... her path isn't "traditional"

her desire for a more "traditional" life... a nuclear family... is real.

so can we smack her hands, but stop kicking her when she's down? Is it that important to make her feel like crap?

a person can make bad decisions and still have some traditional values and desires.

keep kicking at this woman and you attack my wife. And ill put anyone to the wall who does that.

she made some dumb decisions. It happens. She wants a better, more stable life.

ill be the first to say "congratulations"... glad you are interested in stabilizing things.

I'm overreacting, most likely, but I'm leaving the thread so this doesn't get any uglier.

I was just saying that if she wants traditional non white would be the traditional.
Of course she can wear what she wants. In fact I was considering wearing blue denim and white guaze for my wedding.
Wasn't trying to start a debate.

kp2171,
Thanks for the back up, I was beginning to think I was being criticized for doing things a little backward. When all I was doing was asking for a little advice. By the way I talked to him last night about this situation... just the two of us so that he would feel like he could say what ever he wanted. And the result was good... I feel a little stupid, but it was what I wanted to hear. He told me that he does want to marry me, and he would go and do it today, but he wanted the proposal to be a surprise. So I am not going to keep talking about getting married to him, and let him do it when he his ready... now that I know it WILL happen!! Yippie!! And let him surprise me. He told me not to worry because he is not going anywhere, he just wants it to be the right time.

Sounds reasonable to me. He very likely could have felt you were not making it easy for him to surprise you.
I wasn't trying to get on you about doing things backwards but
A. you said you are and want traditional
B. like others have said when a guy has it all he is not necessarily thinking of little details like wedding.

That's cool I understand what you were trying to say, and I think you are probably right... I wasn't making it very easy to surprise me. I think I will be much happier in the long run if he does it when he is ready. Now that he knows what I want in my life I don't think I have any thing to worry about.

I think you need to communicate a little more. Maybe sit down one night when the kids are all asleep and discuss how you both feel because I think maybe your thinking too far into this.

I think its great that you want to build a secure family unit for all three of your kids but like kp said maybe you should have thought about that before having the babies, so please don't have a go at your boyfriend for feeling as though he wants to provide for you all .

Also marriage does not mean the same to everyone, some people simply don't feel the need to gat married if they are quite comfortable as they are

Finally like kp, I'm getting married in September after being with my boyfriend for 6 years and there was no proposal as such. It was more of a mutual agreement that we both decided we were ready for. It doesn't make us any less in love than anyone else its just that everyone is different. If you push your boyfriend he is bound to run in the other direction.

Tell his mother/father that their son needs to marry you, correctly. They'll pass along the word in a way that he understands it.

Sorry but I disagree with cleafun here, nobody should be told they NEED to marry someone else.

I agree with you on that. And we talked he wants to marry me, he's just waiting on a good time to surprise me. I just haven't been giving him g good opportunity to surprise me, bugging him all the time. So I'm going to wait and see. Besides, his parents wouldn't tell him to marry me, they are in his words " not the best of parents". He was rasied by a single mom, being the youngest of four, if you know what I mean. They pretty much raised themselves.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We started dating when I was in the
10th grade. We had to split up for a little while because my parents hated him. But we always seemed to find each other again so the first two years of our relationship was an on again off again relationship. After I turned 18 we started dating steady again. And my parents grew to like him. We had a little girl in 2005, and decided to move in together. We lived together for a little while, and then he got custody of his daughter (who then was 5, now she is almost 8). I wanted to marry him then, but he always said that we didn't have the money, and he wanted to make sure he could take care of all of us. I told him that it was a little to late to make sure he could take care of all of us. he should of thought about that BEFORE he had kids. (RIGHT!?) Anyways, about a year later my aunt gave me a whole bunch of stuff for my wedding from her job, when ever I get married. And he went and told my mom that I was pressering him into marriage, and that he wasn't ready. And now in Feb. of 2008, we had a baby boy. Now that my family is complete with 2 girls and 1 boy. I want to get married. he has asked me in the past, but it always sounded like a joke. Because he would just say " Okay, you want to get married? Let's go." And he knows that I am a traditional girl, you know with a proposal, and a wedding. I don't want a big one, just a small one. But I can't get any!! Help, what can I do? I know he loves me and we will be together for the rest of our lives. But I want more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend title. I don't want to introduce our family as " This is my BOYFRIEND, HIS daughter, and OUR 2 kids." I want to introduce our family as "This is my HUSBAND and OUR 3 kids." Somebody help me, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand where you are coming from. You don't want to create more stress on this relationship though. I mean, maybe have fun with it, for example introduce him in funny and odd ways every time he meets someone, like "This is my life partner" or “this is my baby's daddy". If you don't think that is something you would aim for then maybe you two should consider a counselor to work out the differences between you two, like mediation to reach a compromise and o be fair to you both. I mean, it may not be so bad if he set a goal, and didn't just leave you lingering. Maybe you would even explain that for all practical purposes, legally speaking, being married makes it easier, say in the case that one of you should pass on. It could cause some legal problems of the other parent if you don't have a will or are married so that custody is not an issue that has to be battled out with the state for example.

In the end though, Marriage does not make for a happy home. Is it the ceremony or the marriage in of itself that you look forward to? In a sense, you are married now. So, maybe it's a matter of personal pride? Nothing is wrong with that, but you should be clear on what your motivation is. Lastly, you certainly don't want him to get married feeling like you had to force him to do it, and then you'll just have doubts forever. If you have to force anyone to do anything then it's almost not worth it, not when it's an act of love. But for your sake, if that's something you want from life, you should be clear, "this is what I want, at some point, by say, 2010 at least" if not then we need to renegotiate our relationship.

Are you OK financially? Are you getting any help? If so, maybe that's a motivating factor for him. I have seen guys not get married because they got free daycare for example, where if they were married they wouldn't necessarily. Whatever it is, he needs to start communicating better, and marriage or not communication needs to be clear on shared goals. If you understood his disposition you might both be on board for the future agenda.

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