I'll keep this one quick, just looking for a bit if insight...

Without getting into specifics:

-Girlfriend wants space, trying to handle personal problems.
-Doesn't want to "break up", afraid of losing me forever
-She is trying to feel things out without me, her personal problems being she is TOO dependent which leads to obsession, anger, treating me poorly
-The "space" apart is meant to (hopefully) allow her to not take me for granted and appreciate the time we get more = less stupid arguing about nothing

Here's the problem, she gets lonely too quick (due to the constant communication we had, both our problems, I admit). She will be terribly upset after one day, and call me. I told her about it and said by doing that she won't be able to experience what she wants, life without me being her support.

As the relationship isn't necessarily over (yet I guess), how do I handle if she calls? (right now the cells dead and I'm not rushing to charge it :)) Do I let it go and then call after time has passed? I don't want to answer, but sometimes its hard to watch the phone ring when you know someone you care about so much is so upset.

Maybe it would be best to set some boundaries or time limits. And stick to them.

Maybe it would be best to set some boundaries or time limits. And stick to them.

Tal, can you elaborate on that a little? I already told her that talking everyday isn't going to work and mentioned that seeing each other is not a good idea. Do you mean a time limit as in we will re-discuss this on such and such date?

Talaniman is right. And just to add on what he's said as well as your question, it seems that you'll have to decide the boundaries for yourself and actually enforce them. YOU are the one in the situation. YOU know all the little details that we don't.

Telling her that "it's not a good idea" isn't going to make her get the message if you're still spoiling her by picking up the phone anyway. Depending on your situation, you may want to limit the topics you two talk about or setting a time limit per day or week. Tell her to talk to other friends and/or family members about her problems.

Thanks,

Maybe I shouldn't have said "its not a good idea". I made it a bit stronger than that in person, and she agreed - so far so good.

This is easier than I thought it would be. The first time it nearly killed me, I guess I learned from the first time. Don't get me wrong, there are down moments, but I'm still functional.

Quick Update:

I got an email from her last night telling me how hard this is and how much she hates it. She also heard I had car trouble and was making sure everything was all right. Didn't respond yet, I really want to give her what she wants... space.

I guess these symptoms are the exact reason she wants to do this... she doesn't like this reliance.

I have a question for anyone who might be reading this:

This morning I can't help but be a little bit upset. I haven't really been upset for some reason, but this morning I am. My question is this:

I can't help but mull over the reason she gave me for the "break"... she doesn't like how reliant she is on me, and how that makes her treat me, and the stupid fights it causes. This all sounds good to me, but do you think it was a load of crap? Is it a waste of time to think about this?

Thanks for any answers, sometimes it just helps to get it all down so I can reread it.

Yea big bird... It is a waste of time to think about because ultimately only your ex knows the real reason why she ended it... It's hard to say that the reason is a load of crap, but I won't sit here and tell you that I don't ponder over the question myself from time to time. All you can do is hope she has the respect for you that it was the truth and if your situation is like mine, the truth will become apparent in due time.

Don't make the mistake I did and think that your ex is too good of a person and she would never lie to you and she's not like that. Because they are, and you need to remember the person she was and the person she is are no longer the same.

Thanks Rome,
I know I shouldn't think about it, but as I sure you know, it is easier said than done.

Yea, I sat and dwelled on the reasons she broke up with me(possessive and jealousy) and then went out and set goals to defeat those problems and I went to counseling, took jealousy courses online and read countless books. She showed no care about it in the world, took it as a big joke and would post things about it on her myspace or friends myspace mocking me. So when I found this out, NC set it and now it's her wanting to talk and be friends and I simply put, don't care.

I often wonder why guys let a female control the whole relationship, and even stay, and go through the misery, and pain, of trying to please a confused partner, who wants their cake, and eat it to. Her reasons aren't crap at all, just her way of separating her from you. But it doesn't show that willingness to work together, to solve your issues, to the benefit of you both, now does it? Her actions are the opposite, and for whatever reason, she is trying to slowly wean herself from you. That's hard to take, but examine things for yourself, and see if that's the conclusion you reach. She and you will eventually come to the same conclusion, and stop playing this game, and get to the root. Somebodies feelings have changed, and is not expressing them in a honest way.

Thanks Tal,
I don't know if I can agree she isn't expressing them in an honest way. I'm not sure I mentioned it, but she cited many reasons some including that she just isn't happy anymore, wants to be happy again, can't stand fighting over stupid things, etc... I think she's trying to be honest, but probably just as confused as I am... in any case, it doesn't matter

Some of these women are a real piece of work, want to break contact for a while but want to tell you how hard it is for them... go figure

Who cares if its hard for them! Did they care that it was heartbreaking to watch them walk away from a relationship you helped build? Nope didn't think so, you have to remember that. You owe nothing to her, as she owes nothing to you. The more you worry about how she feels the longer you delay the healing process. And if you're anything like me, you don't want to feel the pain for long so just box up those memories and put them on a shelf in the back of the closest. This is a line from a song I wrote about how my ex still wanted to keep in touch

"If you're strong enough to walk away from us, I'm strong enough to walk away from you"

Its kind of odd, it really is...

I've been through this before with the same girl, and it really crushed me to bits. I was out of it for about 5 months, terrible. This time through, its not so bad. I just really like to get my thoughts off my chest, and this place was great to me the first time. I guess I learned from the first time before getting involved with her again, as I'm not so disabled. The sadness is there, but its not the sadness which I obsess about for days on end and not get out of bed...

Thank God I learned something last time...

Just to keep my thoughts together:

I decided to respond to the email. Basically all I said was the car trouble was solved, everything worked out, and I'm sorry its so hard on her, but she asked for this and I'm giving her what she wants...

Now before you get angry with me because I don't owe her that, remember that we haven't technically "broken up", but are taking some space from each other to see where we stand...

Another thought...

For the past few days I have stayed away from going on instant messengers because I am afraid she won't be able to resist the temptation to talk to me. I don't really like avoiding her like this, am I being mature or is it just the smart thing for me to do? I'm afraid if she is tempted, and does, message me, then it might screw with my head after I've been feeling better than I thought I would for the past few days...

Any thoughts?

I can't help but think she wants to break away, but can't at this time. She is more afraid of you leaving, and moving on, leaving her alone.

Tal I get the same feeling...

That's why I am doing the NC. Better safe than sorry right?

If in fact she does simply want a little bit of time to straighten herself out, she knows how to get ahold of me - then we can talk. If not, well ill be busy getting myself right...

Well its first thing in the morning so this is probably going to be a little more depressing than most...

Seems like in the beginning it was easier than it is now. I know if she called me then I wouldn't know what to say, but after everyday that goes by I'm a little saddened. Maybe I'm caught up on the fact that were technically "taking space" and I'm afraid she is just going to never say a word to me again. It almost makes me want to call just to figure out if she's still thinking/feeling the same -- but I guess that's just me trying to make excuses.

Hopefully being home from school this weekend won't make it harder...

-EDIT-

Argghhhh, I just reread the email that she sent me and I responded also. I get the feeling she was trying to find out how I was doing and I made it sound like I was doing better than I was. As if she hated it (which she stated) and wanted me to say the same. I know people probably say this is great, but I don't want to feel like the way I worded my email is the reason she won't contact me again... Should I have just told her I hated it too?

The temptation to write an email just to say "Hi, how are you doing" is strong for the first time since this has happened. I'm not sure why...

Ugh

The temptation to write an email just to say "Hi, how are you doing" is strong for the first time since this has happened. I'm not sure why...

We all know why even you, this is the weak points, that we all get that itch, to call just to say hi, hear their voice, and hope like hell they miss us, and want us back. Go polish your Sunday shoes instead, or straighten out the record collection... oops, sorry wrong era, polish those Nike's and organize the DVDs.

Or!! Come polish my Sunday shoes, and organize my record collection, do you do windows?? No, not XP!

Bigbird...

Right now, you're so concerned about how she feels and how she's going to react... but the thing is, you should be concerned about how YOU'RE feeling and how YOU'RE reacting to all this.

She'll be fine. I don't mean that in a mean way... but it's true. She'll find her way to get better. Got to focus on you... because if you don't, come 2 - 3 weeks from now, she'll slowly feel better and you'll still be stuck in that rut.

I know that you said you two are taking a break... fine. You guys aren't officially broken up... but you have to treat this as if you two have broken up if you're going to make anything better.

If you work on yourself:
If you two get back together, then you'll be THAT much better as a person if you work on yourself for now... if you two DON'T get back together, then you'll be more focused and better at "getting over her"

If you DON'T work on yourself:
If you two get back together, same problems will exist (if you two had problems). If you two don't get back together, this past week or so will seem like a waste, and you'll take much longer getting over her.

... hope that made sense.

Tal - I'm sure it just is that itch to say hi. I just need to keep myself busy and not let these thoughts linger...

Sneezy - That made perfect sense. Basically what your saying is that if I don't start getting myself better I'm stuck in a lose/lose situation. But If I work on making myself better, I move up to at LEAST and win/lose situation :) The funny part is, what you told me is exactly what I told myself for the first 3 or 4 days which kept me feeling pretty good. Sometimes I need to hear my own advice from someone else :)

I think the main reason I wrote that was because I was scaring myself. I was starting to have the thoughts that came the first time through this (a year ago). I was getting nervous that I was sliding backward, but it was just a hiccup. Sometimes those lonely mornings are tough...

I agree with the morning thing.. for someone reason mornings are so hard when your heartbroken.. I can't explain it! Rememeber when you were saying that you feel better this time around with the "break" then last time? True you probably do.. but you were also probably (and don't take this as an offense) in denial or shock.. your brain probably wasn't letting it sink in

I had the same problem.. and then all of a sudden it hits you (expecially in the morning) and you're like "I feel crappy!"

I've been on your X girlfriends side, telling the boyfriend you need a break.. and being so hurt that you're apart.. Let me tell you it's a confusing time and part of me wanted him back soooo bad, and thinking of being without him was UNBARABLE but the other part of me was saying, " no this is the right thing to do, blah blah" so when you're getting those emails she's just missing you..

Everyone is right though.. nc is important and work on yoursefl and distract yourself.. I just wanted to give you a little insight on her side to maybe help you understand some of the crazy confusing things she's doing

I agree with the morning thing.. for someone reason mornings are so hard when your heartbroken.. I can't explain it! Rememeber when you were saying that you feel better this time around with the "break" then last time? true you probably do.. but you were also probably (and don't take this as an offense) in denial or shock.. your brain probably wasn't letting it sink in


While that might be true, I'm not sure I buy it right away. The backdrop to this goes as follows:

We were together for just about 3 years and she broke up with me for a while - sort of the same reason with the exception that someone had caught her eye at the time. Turns out she was kind of made a fool of, but after quite a few months we got back together. People tell me all the time that I was stupid for going back because I just stood there waiting. The way I see it, I was begging, and waiting, for the first month or two probably. Soon after that I gave up and started working on myself.

Well when we got back together, things were good, as expected... anyway, this time around I wasn't the same person. So something in me had changed. I sometimes feel guilty for it, but I never let myself get totally engulfed in her, like I had the first time around (my first relationship). I think that the distance I kept, and the effort I put into keeping my own life apart from "our" life is helping me to take this a little easier. Of course that doesn't stop me from thinking that separation I worked for might be part of the reason we aren't together...

I feel your pain bigbird, I'm right there with you

She does not seem like someone you should be with. She is clearly using you and then when someone better comes around she leaves, and then comes back to you because your safe when things don't work out with the "other guy". Also, you said you changed and didn't engulf her in your life and she probably didn't like that you weren't doteing after her every move... She seems selfish and I think it's the best thing that you guys are done..

Congrats on changing though and not engulfing.. a person can learn from every relationship, and hopefully you will find someone who deserves a great person like you.. You seem to have your head on straight and you seem to be a really nice guy.. Be confident and keep the NC for YOUR sake... and when (or if) she comes crawling back to you.. you can hold your head high and know that you have more respect in yourself than to fall back in the same trap that you had already fell in before.. Kudos my man!

Thanks plonak, means a lot :)

I'm amazed at the lengths the human mind will go to just to destroy itself. Case in point, I know that I need to start moving on, get over her, stop thinking about her and start thinking about myself. Regardless of this fact, I find myself checking status messages on instant messengers. While I have been smart enough to stay off Facebook and myspace (my undoing last time) I still check the status/away messages on instant messengers for some unknown reason. It's that curiosity nagging from my semi-concise mind.

What I find amazing is how stupid messages, things which mean nothing, can completely send ones mind into a downward spiral. While nothing has really happened, a stupid message as simple as "Showering and Doing my Hair" is enough to make one go mad... I truly doubt my sanity when I begin to ask myself questions like "Why is she showering", "Why does her hair have to be done", "Who is she meeting tonight", "Who is she trying to impress", etc, etc, etc.

This is not an isolated incident either, in the past (the first time this happened) a simply smiley face would have me almost crying. A sad face would almost put me in a good mood (sick I know). Something as simple as "...bored" would have me asking "who is she telling shes bored", "Who is she trying to make plans with", etc...

I'm not writing this because I'm upset, I'm actually intrigued. Has this happened to any of you before? Or, to the senior members, have you noticed this a pattern with a lot of people? Its almost like a pattern of voluntary self-destruction.

Needless to say, I removed her name from my contact list so it shouldn't be a problem anymore. Now if I want to destroy my mind, I need to type the whole name in and click a button -- more time for me to stop myself :)

Thanks for reading my rant

Haha.. I know exactly what you mean by "voluntary self destruction". I did the same thing last time my ex and I broke up. I spent those 2 months actively looking for things (ie. Checking his friend's myspace pages for any glimpse of what he might be up to, even checking his phone records since his bills were still coming to my house to see who he was talking to, how long was he talking to them, how often, and if I didn't know the number I would look it up or even sometimes, call it to find out who it was). God, I was insane. All I was doing was (1) driving myself crazy imagining all these crazy scenarios of what was happening and (2) completely wasting my time! If its any consolation, all those crazy scenarios I had in my head, turned out to be completely untrue. After we got back together, we talked about what we had been up to. I had been going out at least 2-3 times a week for 2 months, dating guys, trying to enjoy myself. He had gone out like 4 times in the entire 2 months and had pretty much spent the whole time working and just hanging out playing playstation. So, I basically drove myself insane for nothing.

This time, I have no desire to know anything about what's going on with him now. Why should I spend my time wondering what he's doing? Its not like he's sitting around wondering desperately what I'm doing... And anyway, what they do now is no reflection and has nothing to do with us! Its not a competition.

The "what ifs" will kill you. Trust me! Its such a waste of energy. Just keep moving along and you'll be fine. Don't worry about stuff you can't control.

Or, to the senior members, have you noticed this a pattern with a lot of people? Its almost like a pattern of voluntary self-destruction.

That's why I recommend no contact, to keep you from letting your mind play tricks on you. It happens all the time, with everyone.

I agree with Tal, as when I first got onto this site in January I believe it was, he was the first person to tell me to basically stop acting like a B*tch and go NC(delete everything!) Which I did. I mean EVERYTHING, so that's what I'm going to tell you to do. Delete her Facebook, myspace, e-mail address and that stupid AIM screen name. You will do a lot better with knowing nothing than killing yourself over pointless messages. I always use songs I like as my away message, some are sad, some are happy but they rarely have a meaning.

I know what you mean by the happiness and sadness factor for the status updates. I would keep my ex as a friend on my myspace and would go to the "status updates" and would get happy if I saw "confused" but sad at when she said "happy"

For your own sanity, just delete everything you can for right now or the healing process will take a lot longer.

Back to write an update:

I'm trying not to be on this site a lot because it brings up memories which aren't always great. Actually, spent some time the other day reading one of my old posts about a fight we were having and it makes me feel a little better about not being with her. Maybe she wasn't "the one" like I always though (hell, how could I know she was my first).

I got another email from her the other day. Basically telling me she was "doing a little bitter but it still hurts" and hoping I was "doing the same". Odd for her to send me that, oh well. I spent last night at my friends college - big party weekend. It was fun, kept me busy.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a funk, mostly because I always liked to spend a nice day with her after spending a night with my friends. Got over it fairly quickly though... I guess I'm doing all right now. I think about her constantly still, but I guess that's expected...

One day at a time...

Morning all,

I'm starting to get the questions running through my head again. I don't know if I'm missing her or just missing having someone, but just to be able to give her a hug right now would be nice. Maybe its just because I just woke up.

I have to spend all day on my computer finishing a project for school, so I'm not very happy about that. I'm thinking of taking a break to go for a drive - it usually helps to level my head...

The other day I caught myself thinking about what was said the last time we talked. She had said that she wanted to "take some time apart" but she was definitely afraid of losing me and still wanted to be friends with me. The problem is, I don't know if we are still supposed to be talking in a few weeks or whatever or not. I don't want to break NC and ask about it, but I don't like not knowing what's happening either...

I was going to edit my last post but I decided this probably deserves a new post...

She must have been reading my mind because she sent me an email today. The basic gist of the email was that she has had some time to think, but still thinks this is the best for her right now. She was basically telling me that she doesn't want me to wait around for her anymore (I really haven't been as you can tell) and that she is very sorry for hurting me and how much she has hurt me for the last few years.

She mentions how she is doing this because she recognizes that she is controlling (she is right) and is trying to stop herself from being like that in the future. This is one of the lines from the email:


The more and more time I have to think of it (and I've had a lot of time) I can't believe myself for everything... I hope when you read this that you understand in some way. It is not that I don't care for you. I do. I just cannot be in a relationship.


I'd love to believe that, and I honestly believe that she is being truthful with me. I don't think there is any funny business going on here. The next line shook me up a little bit:


I realize by doing this we are done for good. I know that your not going to want to be friends, or talk in the future.

This isn't really true, but reading it hurt a little bit. I don't know if I should tell that it isn't true or just ignore it all together. I would love to talk to her and be friends in the future, but I know it will take a long time. Should I tell her this or just let it go for now?

She ended the email by telling me that she has some things of mine that she wants to drop off to me at some point. This really scares me because I feel like I have been doing pretty well and I don't know if I want to see her. At the same time, I don't want to tell her to drop them off on the porch - that seems like a slap in the face to her. I could tell her to keep them, but I doubt that she will... Any suggestions?

I need to reply to the email just so we can clear this up. I guess this is the closure that I said I was sort of looking for, knowing what's going to happen. I knew everything she told me in the email already, but for some reason hearing it like this hurt a little more than I expected.

I guess in the end they're just words...

--EDIT--

Her tone throughout the email was very apologetic. She seemed very scared that I was going to "hate" her and "never talk to her again". This really isn't the case and I feel bad that she is so upset over it. Would it be wise in my reply to tell her that I'm not so upset. I hate to put her under undue stress. I don't want there to be ill feelings on either side of this. After the last week I'm almost starting to feel like this is a mutual breakup...

--EDIT #2--

I'm not going to remove this because I think its good to read all of this for mine, and anyone else's, sake. I just wanted to add that I responded to the email. She responded back and everything seems to be okay. I think I handled it very maturely, she told me that she felt better to know that I didn't "hate" her and thanked me for being so understanding. It seems like I was able to handle it and I'm not feeling any different then I have been lately. I guess I got nervous and jumped the gun with my post...

I'll keep you guys updated.

Hey guys,

Its been a few days and I have been doing really well... Recently, after reading a few of the posts on here I have a question or two to get some input on...

It seems like I am doing much better then I should be. I know this sounds ridiculous but hear me out. We were together for 4 years and broke up only a week and a half ago. Granted we were arguing quite a bit at the end and had our fair share of fights towards the end, but shouldn't I be a little more upset about this. Instead, I have feelings of being excited to go out and be single for the first time in quite a while. I'm excited to meet new people and see what happens. It just doesn't seem right for so soon afterward.

One thing I should mention is that we broke up about a year ago for 6 months. These 6 months were a nightmare for me. I was emotionally crippled and did the whole not get out of bed, don't eat, don't sleep, don't study routine. So maybe it is possible that I was so hurt and upset by it when we did get back together 6 months later I kept myself detached and it made this time around easier.

I still miss her at times during the day, but I spend a decent amount of time excited to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I'm a free man... Maybe this was right for both of us??

Any ideas?

You'll have days when you'll feel absolutely fine, and then you'll have days when you wish you were dead. You'll have your ups and you'll have your downs. One thing to keep in mind is to not make the mistakes a lot of amateur investors make... they don't set a goal for themselves.

When they buy a stock, they'll see it go up, have an awesome day, and celebrate. The minute they see it go down, they get depressed and angry and let their emotions take the better of them. The best thing to do is to have a set goal (time period) and to come back after a certain time and analyze it then. No use checking ticker prices every 5 minutes and making life-altering decisions minute by minute.

I'm glad you're doing better, just keep focus.

What are you trying to do, jinx yourself? Be very glad your looking ahead, and leaving the misery, and pain, behind. That's a good thing, and enjoy it, because a storm will come up, and you'll have those good feelings to keep you optimistic.

Yo man find my topic I'm sure you can feel me on that

But that's pretty much how I see it now with my situation I see that she don't want to date others maybe if we become to seprate and realize where better off friends sort of what were doing now she's got school and college to worry about being with me is a burden because of my own personal issues and her everyday growing ones wanting ech other to fix it for ourselves but want advice on it lol but I now I can probably get her back if I just give it some time

If you don't care man that's good for you I hope that's not my case but if it is I hope me and her can stay friends with benefits till we find others jk

Odd,

Past two days or so have been a little tough on me. Last night I had my first dream about her, that I can remember, and it was a dream about her telling me that she wanted to get back together. I distinctly remember her trying to kiss me, and me backing away. She wanted to get back together with me, and I remember feeling a sense of "Oh no, what now?".

I guess that's a good sign :)

Haha.. bigbird, I know. The first 11 days of NC or so were easy. The past 2 days have been a little tougher but I'm no where near a sobbing mess or anything. Just starting to miss him a little more. I figure if I can get through the first 2 weeks, I can get through the next 2 weeks.

Yeah, 2 nights in a row with dreams of me and my ex together like we used to be. Just miss seeing his face. But whatever, I'll just look in the mirror. My face is better! Haha

haha..bigbird, i know. The first 11 days of NC or so were easy. The past 2 days have been a little tougher but I'm no where near a sobbing mess or anything. Just starting to miss him a little more. I figure if I can get through the first 2 weeks, I can get through the next 2 weeks.

Yeah, 2 nights in a row with dreams of me and my ex together like we used to be. Just miss seeing his face. But whatever, I'll just look in the mirror. My face is better!! haha

Amen

Hi all,

Things are still dragging a bit but I'm hanging in there. I've been missing her a bit more lately, though it hasn't been devastating, I'm just a little down.

Last night was a rough night because I had a dream that she was seeing someone else. Well, this dream woke me up and it was all I could think about, so all my dreams thereafter were about the same thing. I finally got sick of it and got out of bed, so here I am. Still trying to get those thoughts out of my head -- I know it was just a dream and meant nothing but still.

It's been tough not to check her messenger status but I'm not letting myself. I don't want to know. I did have to write her an email as she bought me something for my birthday which was linked to a credit card and I switched it over to my account, but the payment for this month was charged to her. I'm trying to contact her so I can pay her back - was that a bad mood? I can't just expect her to pay the $50 for me.

On a lighter note I'll be home tomorrow for the summer. I'm looking forward to that because the lack of things to do at school and the constant sitting in my room is really starting to wear me down -- it's a bunch more time for me to sit and think about her.

I'm going to try to listen to some music now because these images of her with someone else are going to break me...

I know how you feel. Its starting to get harder now but it'll pass... hopefully.

Yeah, I get fleeting moments of wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with, but whatever. Nothing they do now has anything to do with us or is any reflection on us. Seriously, it isn't! They'll never find anyone better than us.. so whatever. Their loss!

As for the $50, if you've already contacted her, oh well. Just don't aggressively try to get it resolved. She can suck up the extra $50 if she has to. $50 is the least she could do for you.

NC is awesome. Its really helping. Day 15, yay! Anytime I think of calling him I just remember he's not part of my life anymore. Oh well, I have many other people in my life I can turn to. And the last thing I want him to think is that I'm sitting here thinking about him (even if I am)...

It's those hard moments that you need to find something productive to do. Watch a show, a movie, listen to music, read a book, or just come here and vent... someone'll be here.

As far as paying her... I agree with losingit. If you've contacted her, and she wants nothing to do with it, then forget it. She'll contact you if she wants it.

Yeah, I sent the email. If she responds then great. If not, I won't track her down for it. I just know that money was tight for her last I knew and I'd hate for her to be sitting there saying "That cheap b@stard, stealing my money." :)

losingit I agree about the NC. It definitely helps a lot. I no longer expect to get phone calls and I don't check my phone anymore - I just miss her sometimes still. I'm not in denial or holding onto hope, I'm just a little bummed.

Sneezy I do find things to keep me busy. I have been listening to music and writing a post on the main page. I find writing that kind of stuff out is helpful to straighten out my own thoughts. I feel much better after posting it. Sometimes though, I read some posts which make me question if I could have done things better in my relationship... anyone else ever have that happen?

--EDIT--

Just got an email back. She's basically saying don't worry about the money and enjoy the gift. If it really bothers me I can pay her when I'm home for the summer.
I'm not counting that breaking NC. Sorry if I'm cheating :)

Hello all,

I hope everyone is doing well..

I'm feeling pretty good today, getting some constructive work done around the house. Unpacking from school, doing a little yard work, etc, etc...

After reading a few of other threads on here, my mind has started to bug me. I see these other people who have recently broken up and they have dates scheduled and are seeing people pretty much right away. It starts to worry me because I feel like I haven't done that yet and I don't really see myself doing that. Its not that I don't want to, I just never really have before and I'm afraid that it isn't going to happen...

I guess it might be partly because all my friends are in school for another week or so and I don't have much to do at this point. Maybe once more people are home I'll find more things to do and more opportunities to meet people...

I really want to be more outgoing and meet more people - just broaden my horizons, you know?

Am I just making a bigger deal out of something that isn't?

While emulating others is a great way to learn, it may not be the way you learn. I think you have made a direction of change, you want to go in, and take some thought into how to go about it. Of course, I have a good suggestion, how kind of you to ask. When out and about, make an effort to look people in the eye, and say hello, how are you, nice day. After a week, you will be engaging everybody. It will absolutely freak you out, with how people are drawn to confident happy people.

Well I broke down and did it.

I forced myself to stay off Facebook in general for the last 2 and a half weeks and this morning I went on. I saw the picture of my ex up there and the last things which she had written to me, about a month ago. Thing is -- it didn't bother me! It was more of an "yeah...oh well" reaction then I just signed off. I guess that's +1 for me getting better :)

And Tal, yesterday I ran a few errands and I realized that I generally do try to talk to a lot of people if possible if I have to interact with them. What I don't do is talk to people I'm not really interacting with. For example the people in line in front of me, the person I hold the door open for, etc... Those are my next targets :)

An update - might be a little long, bear with me...

Last night I went out to a party. Not anyone from my usual group, but I figured it would be a good place to meet people. So I go there and fast forward to the end of the night I ended up kissing a 'friend' (one of my best friend's sister) when she gave me a hug at the end of the night. Not really sure why I did it. Either way, it was awkward and we both knew it.

She sent me a message later that night saying "What was that kiss supposed to mean". I pretty much let it go until this morning, I sent her a text saying I was sorry for last night. She pretty much laughed it off and agreed it was awkward. I guess that situation is solved? Still feel weird about it, but its done and over with now.

That whole incident kind of put me in a bad mood though. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself because I sometimes feel like I won't ever get involved with anyone again - almost like I'm forcing it.

That got me thinking about my ex and if she has moved on, if she's seeing anyone, how quickly they're moving along (and my mind loves to draw up graphic scenes which don't help). I guess I was scared that she would move on and I'd be left behind, so I sort of forced myself to do something.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to do with this girl, she's my best friend's sister - she's just kind of cool (sometimes).

Its just funny how I thought something like that would be a great confidence boost for me and it turned out to do pretty much the opposite. Sucks missing my ex, hopefully the feeling won't stick around long.

I know who you feel. Every date I go on I think, agh, is this it? This doensn't feel the same as with my ex.

But I just remind myself that it's not a race. One day we'll meet someone we feel that way about again. Its just going to take time. And remember, relationships don't start in an instant. It takes time and getting to know someone.

Amazing how small incidents we should just pass over, have us thinking way to deeply, and can be mood changers or let downs. It will pass, don't worry. I think it's a good gage where your at in your healing though. Even happy healthy people have bad days. Its just the outlook and attitude that is different.

Thanks tal and losingit.

I think it is a good sign since I was able to pick myself up after being bummed for an hour or so. Not a week like it could have been :)

Either way, my buds are home this weekend and there's a BBQ going on in about an hour. That should keep my occupied for the rest of the day.

Here's to summer!

I am feeling a lot of the same ways you are. I get the left behind feeling, have had the same type of dreams you are having. I want to call her and just see what she is doing, but she could probbalby care less about what I am doing.

Just a quick update as its really late.

Spent all day at my buddy's house for the BBQ. It was a good time. As the day wore on, the party kind of dwindled and two of my friends and I went to this girls house to watch a movie and hang out. Was out much later then I have been in a while. Nothing happened with the girls but its just nice to get out and meet new people. Seems like the more you do it, the easier it gets. This summer is looking up for me - can't wait to keep meeting new people.

Good night!

Started my job today :)

I have been thinking of her less and less and the times I spend thinking about her are more of reflections on what happened and not so much missing her or being sad. I'm starting to really feel like I'm moving forward. Today will be the third day in a row that I'm going out and doing things with friends that I wasn't so close to before. Hopefully I'll be a little closer with them as they are usually going out and meeting people - a crowd I would like to be involved with.

And Tal, the last few days have been great for meeting people. Today at the orientation for my job I felt great. I walked in and started conversations and it is amazing how much of a weight that can lift off your shoulders. I was nervous walking in, then once I sat down and introduced myself to a few people, people started talking to me. It's great. Makes me wonder why I ever had a fear of being snubbed by someone for saying hi. Now I might still be a little nervous meeting women, but progress is progress -- it'll only get better.

Hey all,

Just an update to my situation so I can keep my thoughts together. Its been over a week since I've posted anything on here. There really isn't much to say. I'm still making progress day by day, sometimes it slower than others. I don't think I spent one night home last week, constantly going out playing some sort of sport or going to dinner with my friends.

I still think I have a problem with putting too much pressure on myself to meet more women. I have met a few that I didn't know before, but I haven't really talked to any of them since we met. As long as I'm meeting new people and have stuff to do I don't mind...

I think the reason I put pressure on myself is I want to see that I can catch the attention of another female, just to see if I 'still have it' so to say (funny because I started dating my g/f when I was 16, so I never really 'had' anything :))

I guess we'll see where the summer takes me..

Hope everyone is doing well.

I don't think I spent one night home last week, constantly going out playings some sort of sport of going to dinner with my friends.

I did the same thing many decades ago, and it works.

I have the same thoughts now and again BB. I've just told myself to not put pressure on myself to find someone else. Seems the majority of my mates are in relationships but that's how the cycle is working at the moment. I'm quite happy on my own, getting my stuff together mentally and physically. Go to a jive class on a Tuesday, which is great fun, but not too many younger girls there. Then I tell myself to not let my mood be dictated by the possibility of meeting someone, just smile have a good time and good things will happen in time.

Don't fret about meeting someone else. I guess most of the girls I see/meet don't really do anything for me at the moment. Sure in time ill get my interest levels back up.

It's a long road, but staying busy is the key, keep doing it.

Hey guys,

I think I know the answer I'm going to get to this, but I'll ask it anyway.

If you remember, a month or so ago there was an email about a bill that got billed to my ex's CC and I asked her what I should do about paying for it. She told me that its not really a big deal, but I could pay her when I got paid for work during the summer if I wanted to. She said "You can let me know and we can meet somewhere, or you can mail it to me."

Well, meeting up is out of the question. I don't want to feel like a jerk for making her foot the bill though. I don't mind mailing her a check, but I'm worried it might be the impetus she needs to start communication -- and I Don't want that. I have no idea how she is feeling: sad, happy, angry, lonely... who knows? But in any case, I don't want to give her a reason, or excuse, to contact me ("Hey I got your check, just letting you know.").

Any suggestions?

I'd say that sending a cheque would be OK. She has no reason to start contact from that, and even if she says ' I got the cheque thanks' that's it. No need for you start replying etc, especially if you don't want too.

Treat as just a cheque, and then continue NC and doing great, which it seems you are.

Thanks for the info guys.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so I can't think about her too much. Just sort of hanging in there I suppose. I don't know how long its been since I talked to her, but the beginning of this week I will be sending her the check.

Wednesday would have been 4 years for us, I don't see that being a problem for me, but I hope that it doesn't upset me. Still going out with my friends and trying to meet some new women, though I have a feeling once I do I won't really feel ready to do much.

Well after last night's debacle, I figured I should note it on here. I'm not going to go through what happened, read the NC calendar if your interested, because I don't want to relive it really.

I'm still sort of down. I'm actually really worried because the first time we broke up (last year) I was fine for a little while until I found out that another guy was involved. After that happened, I was destroyed for months. I don't know what it is, but my psyche can't handle that apparently. I just don't want that to happen this time (even though I don't really know anything).

I'm at work now, but my head is swimming. I can't focus and I'm really angry with myself for having done what I did. I was at the point where I would think of her two or three times a day for a few minutes, and I feel like today I am going to think about her all day long - and not good, nostalgic thinking.

I'm sure someone has been through something similar - does it take as long to get the thoughts of her to subside back to a low level as the first time, or is it a little quicker this time? Should I be thinking of her less by tomorrow? This afternoon?

Please don't mind my constant postings, but I need to write things down to remind myself:

Note to self: TODAY IS NO DIFFERENT THEN YESTERDAY.

That's the way it happens sometimes. You just cruise through with the flow and out of nowhere we run into a rough patch, and its so rough we forget what we did through the calm times. Don't panic, you know the drill by now and what you did before to change your thinking will work for you now. You just have to get busy, and change your focus.
Given past events I expected a rough patch, but know your up for the challenge and will make the right adjustments, for yourself. I think you have just learned, it doesn't take much to throw off a good day.
Don't I have a way of making things sound easy? I know its not.

Thanks Tal,

I'm surprising myself sometimes, but I am self-aware enough to notice that I'm up now and five minutes later I'll be down again. Nothing new, just the usual ups and downs. I assume it will fade a little faster this time as I have done it before. Knowing it will fade does offer a little comfort, I just need a nap after such a bad night's sleep haha.

That phrase "I am my own worst enemy" really rings true sometimes. Imagining things that didn't happen, guessing what's going on in her mind, making assumptions -- if only that BigBird guy from last week was here right now - he'd kick my @$$

Don't worry Bigbird, we all go through this at least one time. You could spend all your life wondering what she is thinking. That's what I told myself when all that stuff happened with my ex happened, I mean I could have easily wondered what is she thinking, does she want me back, is there hope for us. But I took a deep breathe and just said "keep doing your thing, you can only control yourself not others so why even be bother by it"

Yep,
To hell with 'em. I was a little upset about "what she was doing to me" last night. I though, "how could she do this" and "im so angry" until I realized one thing...

She didn't do a damn thing -- I did. Then I got angry with myself. Then I let it go.

As I said, sometimes your up sometimes down. Its best to not have any contact at all, even clicking on a Facebook profile.

When I met up with my at the end of feb, it set me back to square one.

I quickly learnt from my error, and have had no contact since.

It really is the only way to go.

Its not easy to not think about them, and they will enter your head. Don't be to hard on yourself, you can only be in today, not tomorrow. Then tomorrow you'll be in today and another day of NC chalked up on that calendar.

You'll get better, but it does take a while. No quick fix I'm afraid, no innoculation that can stave of a case of missing the ex.

Only digging deep day by day and venting on AMHD!

Guys I had a hard time last night, I could go to sleep and I was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. I don't think I can handle it.

The funny thing is that I feel bad that I got upset last night. My mom saw me, and now I think she's a bit upset at my ex. I don't really want feelings like that about her going about, even though it won't ever come up. In time all of this will fade...

guys i had a hard time last night, i could go to sleep and i was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. i dont think i can handle it.

AJ,

You are doing fine. As long as you don't make contact, you were successful. The pain generally gets a little worse before it gets better, but just wait until you start to feel better. What a great feeling it is.

Use my for an example, this thread chronicles the last month and a half for me, and you can see the progress I have made. Its all due to NC. If what happened to me last night happened a month ago, I can almost guarantee I would have called her, balled my eyes out, and wound up with lower self esteem, angrier with myself, and feeling lower than low. But I didn't, I learned and I grew, and still am.

You will get there, hang tough...

So I just had a few minutes to reflect on my breakup and I started having some thoughts...

I know towards the end of the relationship we weren't as "cuddly" and all as we used to be. Should would complain sometimes, but I don't think it was a huge issue with her. The thing she would complain about is that it "wasn't the way it used to be". She missed the fact that I would write her notes and leave them on her car, or that I would buy her flowers for no reason... just because.

She got upset because I didn't do those things so much anymore, and I guess she was right. The worst part is, now I feel like it was my fault because I stopped doing those things.

During the relationship, I justified it by saying that no relationship stays the same, especially after such a long time, but I guess I should have tried harder. I know many people who are in relationships that never did those sorts of things...

Is it possible that I spoiled her in the beginning and set myself up for what happened? Or is it more likely that she just had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would play out and was looking for a "hollywood" relationship? Those are my two major thoughts on the issue.

Note: I'm not really doing this because I'm dwelling on her, but I want to realize what was wrong and if it was my fault or not. Has anyone been in a similar situation (I'm sure someone has)

My sweet sweet friend, I was reading some of your questions and posts today and have a very clear picture on the type of girl you were dating and she didn't seem like a good girl for you,

She seemed very controlling and possessive and immature.. for her to expect you to continually give her flowers and notes all the time is VERY unrealistic! No, I don't think you did anything wrong, and I know that you're reflecting on your relationship trying to see how you can improve, but come on BigBird it's very unrealistic of her to expect that all the time after being together for so long, relationships go through natural changes through time. You seem like you were a very good boyfriend, and from the looks of it she didn't deserve you.. You need to find someone who can appreciate you for you..

Thanks for the input...

I never really thought of her as controlling until the end of the relationship. I guess as a first real relationship you can kind of get brainwashed into thinking your wrong...

Well,

I just got in from being out for a while. I was have a little bit of a rough time, and when I come home I have an email from her in my inbox. For some reason, I sort of had a feeling that was coming, but was hoping I was wrong.

When I saw it in my inbox, my heart sort of dropped a little bit. I didn't read it yet, I'm a little bit nervous to. I am sure I am going to no matter what, but I figured I should just come on here and take a few to relax before I read it.

I never actually had contact with her, she has no idea about my "episode" the other day or anything. I have a feeling that she may have heard about my being named best man in my friends wedding and might be congratulating me - I'm not sure. Its either that, or she got the check from me today and is writing about it.

I guess I'll update once I read it, I'm just a little nervous...

EDIT: Just read it. It was very short. She was telling me she got the check that I mailed her yesterday and saying thank you. She also added that she saw that I deleted her from Facebook. I wish I didn't do it now, I should have just left her in there and stayed off it. I don't want to make it look like I was being a jerk, it sort of was a mean thing to do. I don't know how to explain it and I know you guys will tell me not to. I really feel like writing back, just saying "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." and possibly something along the lines of "Don't take facebook personally, I just didn't want constant updates about your life" or something along those lines (not being mean, being honest). I'm not going to mention the picture I saw, as I'm starting to think that I overreacted (she might suspect that's why anyway). It just troubles me that she said "I saw that you deleted me as a friend on facebook, I don't know why, but whatever you have to do." It almost sounded like she was upset about it.

Agh, bigbird. That's a tough one. I hear you about you "knew it was coming". Anytime my ex has contacted me I felt like I knew for a couple of days it was coming and then it comes and you're like, "agh, i knew i was right".

I hear what you're saying about responding because you don't want to seem like a jerk. But remember, she left you. She broke your trust and heart not just once but twice. Deleting her from myspace, keeping NC, is not you being a jerk. Its you looking out for No. 1, yourself!

I know its hard, but I think you're best bet is to not respond. Maybe in a couple of months you can start some light friendly contact once you're COMPLETELY over it. But you responding, especially with what you want to say, still shows her that she has the ability to have an impact on you. It shows that she still has this power over you.

Ignore it. You're not being a jerk by doing it. Come on, its not like she wrote you an e-mail apologizing for how she broke up with you! She doesn't deserve your apology or your sweetness. If she's upset about it, she has no one to blame but herself. And if she wants to reach out to you in a friendly manner, it should take a lot more than some short little e-mail to make that happen.

BigBird,

In my opinion, I don't think you owe her a reason why you deleted it. If you decide to write back, I suggest you keep the email short and sweet like you were thinking "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." that doesn't give her what she's hoping for. She proly wants to hear that you're doing horribly because that will in turn ease her pain a little to know that you're hurting just like her and you don't owe her anything. She is out of your life now, I suggest you don't put too much into this, it might make you back slide in your healing. If you want her out of your life I suggest you don't give her too much information.

Thanks for the response losingit,

You think even en email excluding the apology, basically just an acknowledgement of her email would be a bad thing? Just trying to sort it out... thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it.

You too plonak, thanks for the input.

I guess your right, I don't really owe her a response, but for some reason I feel bad about doing it. Like she already thinks I did it because I wasn't able to handle seeing it. Then again, this is making the assumption that she knows I just deleted it, for all I know she hasn't checked it in a month and just realized... So aside from Facebook, maybe I should just acknowledge that she is still alive... I really don't think it would set me back as I am not expecting a reply from this or anything else, I would just feel terrible for doing something which I know would upset her (I guess that's stupid, maybe I care too much)

Ok, if you HAVE to send an e-mail, I agree with what plonak says. Just do that one line and nothing else. Don't mention the Facebook at all.

However, I still think it might be a bad idea. Because:

(1) If you send it, what are you expecting to happen? BE HONEST! I know, you're going to say, no I don't care if she doesn't respond. But really, be truthful. What if you send it, and you don't hear anything back? Its going to drive you insane for a bit! Right?

(2) You send it, you trade stupid little short emails for a while, and then you're sucked back into it. She's sending you e-mail as a "friend" while doing whatever else she wants to do, while you're analyzing ever single thing she says in each e-mail, analyzing how long it takes her to respond, wondering what even the punctuation means in each e-mail.

So, ask yourself, are you strong enough yet to not get sucked back into it all over again? Its only been a couple of months. Its OK to say "No, I'm not strong enough...YET".

BTW, when I'm myself in these situations I wish I was as able to think so rationally about my own actions. Just goes to show how the heart and head can work in complete opposite.

Definitely agree with losingit,

It's a tough situation. On one hand you feel bad if you don't respond and on the other hand if you do you might be wondering why she doesn't respond to your email so fast and you'll overanalyis it.

My best suggestion is sit a think about it before you do anything, let your emotions settle and get your mind off it, read or play your guitar and then come back to it.. you will see things clearer and you might make a better choice in the words you choose if you decide to write her

(1) If you send it, what are you expecting to happen? BE HONEST! I know, you're going to say, no I don't care if she doesn't respond. But really, be truthful. What if you send it, and you don't hear anything back? Its going to drive you insane for a bit! Right?

(2) You send it, you trade stupid little short emails for a while, and then you're sucked back into it. She's sending you e-mail as a "friend" while doing whatever else she wants to do, while you're analyzing ever single thing she says in each e-mail, analyzing how long it takes her to respond, wondering what even the punctuation means in each e-mail.


Okay, I am going to try to answer this honestly. Please don't take me posts to mean I don't value your input, I really appreciate it, it just conflicts with what I think. Don't take offense to any of this...

Number 1
Yes, just like you said, I don't think it would bother me much to send the email out. This would be the third email that I have sent her since I started NC (I guess I cheated a little) the first two were over a month ago. They were all in response to her emails, and none of them set me back at all. I admit though, the first two had a specific reason.

Number 2
I admit, that sounds like a possibility and I would not like that. I am relying on my answer to number 1 to stop that from happening. I really feel healthy about it. I was worried when I got the email, then I read it and now, about 15 minutes later, none of it means anything to me. I'm more worried about hurting her than anything she said in the email haha.

I guess if I do respond, it won't be today. I think I should take some time to think about it, and I really appreciate all of the input you guys have. I suppose there is nothing in the email that warrants a response, so I agree with you there losingit.

I guess the one part that keeps me thinking is that it was pretty amicable (she has no idea if I had a hard time, easy time, anything about my life, I make sure not to leave crumbs for her to pick up on.) and I would like to keep it that way.

Am I being dumb?

No, you're not being dumb. You're being honest.

Trust me. I know if I was in the same situation, no matter what anyone says, I would still eventually respond. For the same reasons you sight. In the midst of the breakup and even after he's done nothing other than to tell me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me... blah blah blah. So you don't want to wind up being the a*s in the situation.

But definitely, take a day to think about it. As long as you're prepared for the potential feelings/ramifications it could bring up afterwards.

Remember those couple of hours of feeling bad over that picture you saw? Try to prevent that. If you send the short e-mail, just do it and that's it. You don't want to start hearing tidbits of info about her life right now, cause you know you'll have more hiccups of pain.

I still like Tal's suggestion of just "disappearing". One of the points of NC (other than getting over the ex) is so that they have no idea how you're doing (easy time, hard time, what's going on in your life). Whether it was an amicable breakup or a torturous break-up the results is still the same, they left us. If they left us, we have to leave them.

Well thanks again guys,

I'm going to play tennis for a little while, maybe ill respond when I get home, maybe ill put it off until morning.

Any other opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I wish one of my friends would play tennis with me. Whenever I want to clear my head of stuff, I take a shower and put on a face mask. I've been extremely clean lately. : ) haha But my skin looks fabulous!

Well I'm back.

A little tired from the running, didn't spend much of the time thinking about it, though it came to mind a couple of times. I started to think that she probably knows why I deleted her from face book and I'm almost wondering if she thought she was testing me/trying to get a reaction. I don't think she would do that, but hey, who knows.

I re-read the advice you guys gave me and after thinking about it I don't think it would start routine communication. We have emailed before, and she never responded more than she had to. The last email she sent, she did leave open with something like this: "Remember emailing me is never a problem, dont feel bad about it." Who knows, but she never responded and I never expected her to, the issue was dealt with and that was that.

For some reason, I just hate thinking that she thinks I hate her. I know how confusing that sounds haha.

I still think I will probably end up replying, but I will sleep on it and see how I'm feeling tomorrow. After all, she has no idea if I even read it yet. There is no rush with email :) I don't see myself just ignoring the email, so I hope it isn't so terribly bad if I reply.

If I thought you could deal with it, I would say so but I honestly don't. In light of the past few days, I hope you recognize that you're a little out of sorts, and are more emotional than you have been.

I hope you see it for what it is, and keep no contact for a while longer, and let the emotional dust settle.

I'm still trying to figure out what, besides your own emotions, makes you think her email needs a reply. I suspect you haven't made the progress you think, or are not as focused, and need an HONEST self evaluation of your motives at this time. Sorry guy, I think your not thinking with your head on this one.

Thank you Tal,

I have been back and forth on it a few times for that very reason. There isn't anything in the email that specifically calls for a reply, I just get the "I feel like a monster" feeling when I think of not responding. She didn't technically "do" anything to me. Sure, she broke up with me, but it had to be done, I have accepted that.

The way I see it is that if I don't respond I could be creating ill feelings. Is that where I am wrong?

EDIT: And I absolutely agree that I am a little out of sorts. If I hadn't had my "episode" a few days ago, I would not even hesitate to respond. I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it because it wouldn't have been a big deal. The reason it's a big deal is what has happened with my head recently, and I guess that is enough reason to hold off in and of itself.

I agree with tal,

BOUNDARIES NEEDED.

You are suffering: Trying to be brave and yet you have no clue what to say or do...

So... take control ASAP buddy. You will hurt less.

You can't live in limbo.

Tell her you love her but would like to take a month breather. And then communicate after that if you want.
You set the timetable. You dictate the parameters. Tell her you will contact her after
A break and chat then (on your terms). She gets her breather and tries self-reliance and you get your sanity back.

After a break, you need to make sure you deal with why she is needing to feel more empowered and less self-reliant... or it will just repeat... repeat. Repeat. It may be that she is the one... maybe she is not.

The way I see it is that if I don't respond I could be creating ill feelings. Is that where I am wrong?

There you go, my friend, putting her needs ahead of your own. BIG RED FLAG.

Rest and focus.

Sorry to thread jack but **** URGENT *****

She just text me.

"I am guessing you dont want to be cool with me because we are not together. I understand, have a good life."

What do I do?

Thank you again...

See I am getting there :) Your right, the worst part is, I have told other people that 100 times.

Ash, thank you for the input, but I'm not sure you know my whole situation. We are broken up, I am quite past any thoughts of reconciliation, just got an email from her today and was confused about the contact or no contact issue. For now, I am sleeping on it. I will go to work tomorrow and once there, I can't reply. It will give me a nice long time to think about it.

Funny how this is easier to tell people than to do. I just don't want her to panic and start emailing me like crazy. (Look at that, creating scenarios to support what I want, oh boy)

That's enough, off to bed. I know it doesn't need a reply, I just need to convince myself that I'm not the bad guy.

sorry to thread jack but **** URGENT *****

She just text me.

"I am guessing you dont want to be cool with me because we are not together. I understand, have a good life."

What do i do?

She's pulling out all the stops because she is in a panic that you are giving her what she asked for. Don't give into her ploy. You need to get better being by yourself.

You want the truth? You Don't want to be cool with her beucase your not together. If you try to be cool with her now, you will never be cool with yourself. What's more important?

Originally Posted by ajhastings88

She just text me.

So!

What do I do?
NOTHING!

DO NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

You are letting her dictate the timetable. That is not right. If she cannot write something nicer than that than let her be.

If you say, "I am cool baby, it's ok, i want you in my life..." it is not going to solve anything tonight. Trust me. She is just trying to give herself some peace of mind tonight... but you ain't giving it... the world is not going to change while you sleep. You can deal with things another day.

But we ended things on a good note, with laughs and smiles?

Ash, thank you for the input, but I'm not sure you know my whole situation. We are broken up, I am quite past any thoughts of reconciliation, just got an email from her today and was confused about the contact or no contact issue. For now, I am sleeping on it. I will go to work tomorrow and once there, I can't reply. It will give me a nice long time to think about it.


Oh, I know. I just don't want you to not let her dictate your life. SHE STILL IS... whether you like it or not.

Whether to contact her or not?? See, she is controlling you. Enjoy some freedom tonight and tomorrow.

Sleep well!

Oh, I know. I just wanted you to not let her dictate your life.

SHE STILL IS....whether you like it or not.

Whether to contact her or not???? See, she is controlling you. Enjoy some freedom tonight and tomorrow.

Sleep well!

Very true,

She is controlling me and not even doing it herself. I'm making it happen.

Funny thing is, she probably didn't have that intention. (Benefit of a doubt right there)

Thanks for that reality check man...

Amazing how much easier it is to give advice then listen to it. Even in the midst of my own crisis I can give out fairly solid advice, but when it comes to listening to stupid things, geez...

Good night all!

You're in love man.

It makes a man crazy.

That's why you need allies. So, you can survive to love (in the right situation) again.

Goodnight.

I think Tal and Ash are right BB,

Let the dust settle a bit. Replying to generic text some months ago from my ex led to nothing but more pain and confusion. I should have kept with my nowhere to be found on the planet mentallity, but I caved in.

Did me no favours at all. It hurst like hell to do NC , buts its best all round. I thought like you did, in that I didn't want to be an a**hole for not replying to emails, but at the end of the day, she hurt me like hell, why should I reply to someone who made me feel so bad.

Stay strong, and I all I can say is that even just reading the conversations on here, is brilliant.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks JPM (and everyone else)...

After sleeping on it then rereading all my advice, I have made a few realizations... I think

1) I believe the reason I was worried about her getting upset is because I don't want her to have a reaction similar to: "Fine, if hes going to ignore me, I'm going to go out and ____" (fill in the blank with some ridiculous scenario). I'm seeing now that's an immature way to think.

2) I still haven't fully convinced myself not to respond. I am taking my time, trying to examine every angle before I make any decision. I HAVE decided, however, that should I respond, it will be nothing more than what plonak said in an earlier post. No explanations, no apologies, a simple "I am doing well, thanks for asking. Hope you are the same." That way, it invites no response, implies no hope, and shows no emotions.

I know you guys are in disagreement with a message at all, but I'm just trying to be honest :)

Thanks again, you guys are great

That's OK I guess. Then back to NC?

thats ok i guess. then back to NC?

I haven't decided, but if I were to do that, of course, back to NC. Trying to just let it go for now, maybe it won't be a big deal in a few hours and I won't feel bad for not responding... thats sort of what I'm going for.

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

Good point Rome. I bet they didn't.

BigBird, question did your ex ever reject one of your calls or texts after the break up? If so, do you think she felt bad about doing it? That's the question I always ask myself

To be honest no, but that's because I refused to text or call her :D

I do see your point though.

Lol! Just imagine that they did.. That was the one thing I used to prevent myself from replying to texts, calls and other suttle ways of trying to be contacted while I was healing. I really didn't want to be bothered with the age old question "How are you doing?" Stupid stupid question.. You just want to scream at them "how the do you think I'm doing" ha ha

Keep your head up, and I don't think you should respond because lately you have been a little down and this could possibly set you back and I'd hate to see that happen. You've come so far

All I know is that the break up and the following 6 months have been the toughest I've ever gone through. Its my first breakup being on the receiving end, and it is no fun.

We are all in the right place though, amazing the help you can get on this site. Truly amazing.

Certainly is,

I owe you guys big :)

I'm actually proud of myself for not replying right away and giving myself time to think. I can feel myself becoming more okay with not responding - there is not necessarily any finality in it. If I feel better in a few weeks/months, I can ask her how she is doing, nobody says I cant.

That's true,

Id still carry on with living your life, and not worry about replying to the email. Have a look at my question 2nd email from the ex. Maybe quite similar. In the end I didn't bother as her emails were just wanting to know if I was OK etc, which I found really patronizing as how in the hell did she think I was doing?

At least NC will always leave them guessing.

Perfect example of patronizing,

Just sometimes makes you wonder... "WHY?!"

Part of me thinks its them being selfish, and trying to make themselves feel better, and the other half of me thinks they may care.

When I split up with my ex ex a few years back, I never spoke to her again, as I was so over the relationship when I finally ended it, as it had gone really stale. It was the best thing I could have done for her. No texts or emails for her to mis interpret, no false hope, no what does this text/email mean. No more pain than was necessary.

Yet I didn't get that. Every bit of contact I had prior to the latest nearly 90 days of NC, was like a jab to the heart. You just don't need it. That's why tal says when you get dumped get gone, best thing you can do as the dumpee. Just wish that the dumper would do the same, as there's a lot of people on here who hurt more when they receive any contact from their exes. Unless it's a 'im so sorry I've made a massive mistake we should get back together' type of text/email, they in my opinion they shouldn't bother!

I agree, and I have been in the situation when any bit of contact sets you back immensely, a year ago when we broke up the first time. I couldn't ignore her, and it was killing me. At least this time she wised up and knew that couldn't talk much. When she ended it, she asked me if we could still be friends, and I said I would like that, but I can't do it now. She was a little upset at that, but I think she understood...

It helps when they are somewhat understanding about it, and I agree... either guilt or caring, or maybe a mix of both.

When me and my ex first slip in December, the next day we saw each other at work and she sent me a text saying "wow, you can't even come and talk to me now?" I just said "this is what you wanted, I never asked for it." She goes "gee thanks for handling this maturely" I was kind and pleasant in my response "No problem, anytime" And then she would text me periodically or talk to my parents about how am I doing and stuff like that.

Mind manipulation at it's finest. They call it a break up, because it's broken.

Shes pulling out all the stops because she is in a panic that you are giving her what she asked for. Don't give into her ploy. You need to get better being by yourself.

You want the truth? You DONT want to be cool with her beucase your not together. If you try to be cool with her now, you will never be cool with yourself. Whats more important?

MAYBE Bigbird you answered your own question.

Maybe?

It's been a while...

Romefalls is absolutely right.

4 months after my ex and I broke up, she started to call/text me... then after I ignored those calls, I got voice messages and e-mails saying, "We can't fix anything unless you talk to me"

... I wasn't aware that I needed to fix something.

Sneezy!

Welcome back, how you been?

Thanks Ash, I've pretty much known that I'm not responding this whole morning, I just don't want to admit it :) Funny how I still care how she feels.

Found you guys.:)

Sneezy, you're back, so happy, how are you?

Biggie, I didn't take the time to read all the posts, way too much reading. I gather from the last few posts that you and your girlfriend are officially not together. I've also seen a few other people give their opinion about NC and that it's not fair when the dumper doesn't seem to get the NC rule. As a female, here's my take on it.

In my youth I've been both the dumper and the dumpee. Funny, I always handled dumpee better than dumper. If someone else called it quits I was upset, but had no problem staying away, after all, that person made it quite clear that they no longer wanted a relationship with me.

My role as dumper was always harder to accept. Yes, I'd call it quits and then call up the ex to see how he was doing, was everything okay, etc... Why, because I felt bad for breaking us up, I felt bad for hurting him and I didn't want him to think badly of me. When you're young you don't realize how hurtful it is to have someone "dump" you and then keep contacting you, it sends mixed messages, but to a female it's just that bit of nurturing instinct, even though it's quite frankly the opposite of nurturing.

Even after 13 years of marriage, I still haven't completely figured out men, and I know hubby feels the same way about women. If men and women could only learn to communicate better, then the world would be a better place. Gee, why hasn't anyone thought of that before? ;)

Hope that gives you a bit of insight in to women, if not, ignore the post. ;)

Haha,

Thanks Alty. The quick back story is that we haven't been together for almost a month and a half now. I haven't had contact with her since (2 or 3 emails to straighten out the inevitable stuff WAY early in the breakup). I just got an email from her yesterday and was stumbling a little on the NC issue.

The problem I had was where you said you felt guilty, see for some odd reason I don't want her to feel guilty, no ill will I guess.. Almost like I wanted to make her feel better regardless of the potential cost to me. I've pretty much got it figured out, I'm not going to respond, just need to realize that she can take care of herself :)

Funny how I still care how she feels.

That's why you should not reply to her email.. because even though you can't admit it, you want her to write back (& she prob will).. but not only she will say " im doing fine/not good/happy or w.e" she will prob start a conversation something like " so hows your summer so far"... & you will be tempted to reply again... :(
The best thing to do is what everyone has told you Don't REPLY.. let it go.. I believe that's the best thing to do, but it is up to you.

Biggie, you can't help but be concerned about her, and it's admirable that you don't want her to feel guilty, but, the more you write back the guiltier she'll feel. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. She writes to see how you are, you respond, she thinks, oh, he still needs me, he still cares, oh that's so sad and it's my fault that he's hurting, got to fix it, send another email, etc. etc. it's a vicious circle. NC, it will take a while before she realizes that you are okay and are living your life, but she will get it eventually, although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)

Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

although she'll probably never give up hope that you can still be friends. :)


Good, I think I'd like that, but I'd also like to not care :)



Women, they're confusing aren't they? ;)

Hell, who needs them.

You just need yourself for now - get big bird back, that's what I've been trying to do, getting me back. I gave a shed load away to my ex, nearly forgot who I was.

Well, men need them, obviously, otherwise you wouldn't care as much as you do. ;)

You'll be fine, even though it might not feel like that right now. Take it from someone who's been in allot of relationships, some good, some bad, some downright criminal, the right girl for you is out there, you'll meet her some day, then you'll forget all about the ex.

Now, your opinion on women probably won't change, we are confusing to you poor men, as you men are to us, but that's what makes it interesting, normal is boring, a bit of spice never hurt anyone. :)

then you'll forget all about the ex.

Do you really, truly forget about them?. I guess you will always remember right?. but do you get to the point when they don't matter any more?. and does it necesseraly take another person to make you forget the ex? :confused:

It's so depressing:(

You don't ever totally forget, but you do move on, and one day, when you remember the ex, you'll smile instead of cry, unless that's all you did when you were in the relationship.

Do you get to the point when they don't matter anymore? Depends on the kind of relationship you had, and no, it doesn't take another person to make you forget the ex, it takes time, and strength, your own personal growth and getting back "yourself". You have to learn to stand on your own before you can fully commit to another person.

It is sad, it is depressing, I remember many times crying myself to sleep because of a broken heart, it took time to heal, I swore I'd never give anyone a chance to do it again, and then months later I'd meet someone new and would forget all about the heartache. It's allot like giving birth. When you're in labor it hurts like hell, you scream and cry, threaten your husband with "Don't you ever touch me again!" and swear that if the doctor gets "it" out you'll never have another. The baby is born, you hold it in your arms, turn to hubby and say "when do you want to try for another?" Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.

Unlike birth though, in relationships you have the chance to find someone who won't end up causing you pain, and that's when you forget everything that happened before. I promise you. :)

Work on yourself, stand on your own. Love will find you, most times when you aren't looking for it. :)

Human beings are amazing, we can be in tremendous pain, pain that seems to last forever, but eventually we forget and do it all over again.


Amazing... or insane :rolleyes: :p

Amazing...... or insane :rolleyes: :p

Have to be a bit of both to make it in this world. :)

I can't wait for the day it doesn't bother me any more.. I don't really care if I find somebody new, I just want to get to the point where I don't think about him, and if I do, then it doesn't hurt or mean anything..

Life is hard, love is hard, loss of love is the hardest. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger! :)

That's true!

Big Bird! Clear your messages!! It's not letting me send you one because your inbox is too full!

Big -

I'm glad to see you didn't respond yet. I understand you not wanting her to feel bad/guilty but your actions should not be dictated by her feelings. Think of it this way:

When she broke up with you she didn't want to make you feel bad. That was probably the last thing she wanted to do was hurt you. But you hurt anyway. But she did it because she thought it was the right thing for her. She put her needs before yours.

You not responding to her e-mail is not because you want to make her feel bad or guilty or hurt. While she may feel that way (or who knows, she may not even be thinking about it at all). You not responding is because its prob what's best for you. Its putting your needs before hers. Its not selfish. Its not childish. Its not your proactively trying to hurt her. Its just doing what you need to do for yourself.

You've been really strong lately. You don't want to blow that.

The great thing about NC is that it gives you the ability to feel like the break-up happened sooo long ago. Its only been 2 months for me, and with NC its starting to feel like a lifetime ago. However, every time an ex makes contact it somehow magically has the ability to remind you, "god, i guess it really hasn't been that long".

Personally, while I'm feeling A LOT better lately, I know I'm NOT strong enough yet to have any contact with my ex. But I am strong enough to have NO contact with my ex.

Its funny,

I was thinking about being friends with my ex and the future of what is going to happen between us. I remember distinctly thinking in my head that:

"I can be friends with her. I have no problem talking to her unless... "

And that's when I realized what I need to be able to accomplish before I can be friends wit her, or start routine contact.

A question I had, for anyone who has pretty much gone through to the otherside and started contact is: Does it truly get to the point where you can talk to her him/her and if you hear about them going out, having fun, or (gulp) liking someone, it truly doesn't bother you AT ALL?

Seems to me like that wouldn't ever happen, it would just be a temporary hiccup that you need to decide if you want to put up with.

Bigbird, I did that in the first 2 weeks after my break up. After I found out my ex was dating after 2 days, I played it calm to her and decided to be her friend. But then the thoughts came into my mind of her sleeping over, him touching her body and vice versa and it destroyed me. After that I decided to go NC and move on.

I couldn't put up with it, maybe you can.

Its my opinion, that most people who move on, and live there life, often meet new people, and get distracted from the thought of keeping exes as friends.

When the healing is almost complete it only natural to feel attractions and get interested in new love interests. Happens all the time. And to be honest, usually you can tell where people are in there healing by what they do with themselves.

So don't try to say you've healed, and are ready for friendship, is it okay to call and be friends with the ex?

That doesn't work people. Wonder why?

Spion,

I wasn't insinuating that I was going to try to do that lol. Thanks for the concern though, I know I'm far from it, if ever. I was just simply thinking about the idea of it in general, and what it would take. Doing a little reflecting I guess.

Tal,

I think your right that most people get distracted and their minds taken off the idea of friendship before it can happen. It is obvious that rushing something such as that can destroy a person and start the healing from square one. Its sad to see it happen, and the thought of that pain is enough to dissuade me from even trying.

So I'm pretty much feeling like I did before the weekend.

I was worried that I was basically back at square one, but that wasn't the case. It took two days or so, but I feel like I'm just where I was before anything happened - feeling pretty good. Trying to go out often like before etc... I'm a little bothered because when we go out there aren't many ladies to meet, but hey at least I'm out.

When I check my email now, I think about the email that she sent, and I worry about her being upset sometimes still. I have had thoughts of replying, but haven't. Perhaps someday I will. It would just be nice to be able to say "Hi, No hard feelings, but I can't talk to you for at least a few more months" without having to worry about the implications.

Overall, feeling better.

Bigbird: what I've recently realized is that you have to stop thinking about getting girls when you go out. Go out with the attitude, "Whatever happens, happens." Just go out with your buddies to have a good time. I've noticed that after a week of going out and not meeting any girls, that my entire approach is wrong.

Other than that, glad you're feeling better

Sneezy,

I know I put pressure on myself and I think it's because I just get worried about it. I have been just trying to go out and not care about what happens as long as I'm out with my buddies. Sometimes I almost feel like I have to force myself to go out and meet people just so I can prove I can still do it.

Thanks for the response :)

I know what you mean BB. Sneeze is right though. Forget about trying to meet girls, it'll happen naturally in time. That's how I try to go about it. Not easy, but part of getting out of the mess of a breakup.

I made another realization today...

I noticed that sometimes I still think about the email and want to respond, or worry about not responding. What I realized is that I only do this when I'm missing her...

So I pretty much think its just my heart "grasping at straws" because it is losing this battle to my brain :) Confirms that not sending it is the right thing to do, as I only want to when I'm emotional -- the worst time to do it.

BB, to answer your question. Yes, you do get to a point where you can be friends with your ex. My ex tries to convince me she's happy with her current boyfriend constantly telling me she's happy but misses me blah blah blah... I just laugh it off, I'm still going through the process of letting her come to me and text me. I make NO effort at all, yet I get texts all the time that she's confused and worried things will go back to how they were.

But, yes you get to a point where it doesn't hurt at all to know she is with someone else

But, yes you get to a point where it doesn't hurt at all to know she is with someone else

That's awesome!. can't wait 4 that day!! :p

Hey all,

Been a while since I posted an update about how I am feeling, so here goes. The last two weeks or so have been pretty damn good. I have been thinking about her a little bit, like usual, but it passes pretty quickly and I don't really get upset. I can even find myself thinking about who she might be with or what she is doing, but I can push those thoughts right out of my mind now. It's a great ability, let me tell you :)

One thing I did notice is that if I go out and drink a bit, I always wakeup in a little bit of a down mood. Something about it makes me think of her, so I think I'll stop doing that for a little while, or at least keep it real light. But other than that, I have been feeling pretty damn great!

I do have a question for you guys. Considering how I have been feeling lately, and the control that I have been able to keep over my emotions, I have been considering sending her a birthday card for her birthday in 9 days. As far as the details, it would be either a plain card or a 'funny' card as that has always been my demeanor (funny). Inside, I wouldn't write much, probably a "Happy Birthday, Hope all is well."

I would have no intentions in mind aside from extending a friendly gesture. I don't want to start communication, a thank you from her wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't start talking regularly. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. What do you guys think?

FYI I never responded to the email that she sent me two weeks ago and it hasn't bothered at all since the first day or so afterward. Also, I am approaching 60 days no contact (an estimate)...

Biggie, harsh Alty time, get ready. By sending her a birthday card you are opening the lines of communication. You aren't responding to her, and then you send her a card, mixed message honey. Stick to NC, and that means No Contact of any kind, even a card.

Honey you will only end up hurting yourself if you do this. What do you hope to accomplish by sending a card? Be honest with yourself.

You know I adore you, sorry if I'm being harsh, sometimes you need a splash of cold water, that's what I'm trying to do. :)

What do you hope to accomplish by sending a card? Be honest with yourself.

I don't really know why I want to, it just feels like something I should do. I guess that's a good reason to think a little more about it. Thanks for the input though, I really appreciate it. Can't really give you a good reason why, but I guess I'm just still trying to be the nice guy?

:rolleyes:

Eeek, do I say it. Honey, nice guy's finish last, and get stomped on. Should you stop being a nice guy? No, but stop trying to be nice to her. It's over, NC, really, I've got your best interests at heart. I'm not a guy, but I have been through the whole "breakup" thing, and I do remember vividly how much I longed to make contact, a simple phone call, or a card, hoping that would stir things up again. I didn't admit it to myself, and sadly I didn't have a place like AMHD to turn to, had to figure things out on my own, the hard way. Take our experiences and use them Biggie, learn from our mistakes and save yourself some heartache, not all, but some.

Easy for me to say, right? But really, been there, done that, cryed and screamed. You are doing really well with NC, stick to it 100%, or do you want to go back to square one?

Once again, sorry if I sound harsh, but I really just want to save you some pain and heartache, I hope you know that. :)

No no, not harsh. I knew what kind of response I was going to get before I even posted this lol.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do it, not at all, I just honestly don't feel that I am trying to stir things up. I guess it's a risk I would take, but really it isn't what I want. I don't think I'm in denial, so that isn't it. Haha.

Thanks for the cold water Alty, I won't send it because I have actually worried a little about her birthday (21st) even though she didn't drink when she was with me. I don't want to know what she has planned, and the card might be the line for me to find out. If for no other reason, that's why I won't send it.

See, I'm not THAT stupid :D

I know you aren't stupid honey, exactly the opposite. :)

I'm glad you decided to stick to NC, really it will get easier, even though it doesn't seem like it at times. Just stick it out, you won't regret it. I'm glad that you are on AMHD asking for advice, it's a great place to help you through this, with great people, and great advice. Just remember, we are all here to back you up. When you feel a weak moment coming on, post it, and we'll talk you through (or out) of it. :)

And read my signature, because it's very true, the first one applies to you. :)

Sweet deal bird,

Glad to hear you decided against it. That nice guy syndrome can really get us in trouble. I opted against sending my ex that congrats on graduating message. I have decided to look at it like this, we are nice guys (my screen name says it so it must be true)... When they were our girlfriends they got the "privilege" of getting our nice guy treatment, and we did our best to make them feel as special and loved as possible, but if they don't want us any longer than they lose all the things that came with us. They are not going to get those little things from us that make them feel good any longer... that's reserved for our future girls, where ever they may be.

NNG,

That's a good way to look at it. Never really thought of it that way, but I like the way that sounds. I tried my best, it wasn't good enough - adios!

I'll keep that in mind for a while now, thanks for the extra mental ammo haha.

Future girls - here I come.

NNG,

Thats a good way to look at it. Never really thought of it that way, but I like the way that sounds. I tried my best, it wasn't good enough - adios!

I'll keep that in mind for a while now, thanks for the extra mental ammo haha.

Future girls - here I come.


Look out future girls, Biggie's on the prowl. :D :p :) :eek:

To Bigbird those things that you asked if that seemed like she was telling the truth about why she wanted a break or was it a load of crap? Only my guess--but I think it's she's telling the truth. Don't know how to fix that though. Sounds like she's afraid of losing herself or her independence. Could be she's not had many people she can count on? Good luck.

Whew, I was wondering if you would think through your emotions or not. Leave her business alone, and handle your own is the path to stay on.

Whew, I was wondering if you would think thru your emotions or not. Leave her business alone, and handle your own is the path to stay on.

Sorry to scare you :)

How is everyone doing?

I thought I would post an update - just to keep everything together and sort of use this as a diary for my feelings as time goes on.

Lately I have been feeling pretty good. Obviously I still think about her, but that's to be expected as it has only been 2 months. Hardly do I have down moments anymore, more like moments of quiet reflection that I can snap out of very quickly. The one exception was last night, which really didn't bother me much...

I found out from a friend that his sister's friend was having a party. This friend is also a friend of my ex. It got me thinking about her going to the party, what she would be doing, who she would be with, etc, etc, etc. The slippery slope, you know?

In any case, I have finally developed the control to say:

1) I have no idea if she is going, or if she still talks to this girl.
2) She hates partying (last I knew).
3) She isn't stupid/a slut/immature/one for making bad choices.
4) It doesn't matter, I have been going to parties, why not her?

So in the end, I told myself to man up and get over it, and I did. It was a good feeling. I think I am definitely making some great progress as time goes on.

Her birthday still looms on my mind a little, as it is on Monday, but I think I can make it through that pretty well. Just another day, like any other.

I also think there is some truth to Chuff's statement about there being "people out there, you just can't see them" or something along those lines. A friend of a friend has already made it known that she wants to meet me, so that made me feel good too.

All in all, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Just letting the time pass and enjoying being able to spend as much time doing whatever I want :)

sweet deal bird,

glad to hear you decided against it. That nice guy syndrome can really get us in trouble. I opted against sending my ex that congrats on graduating message. I have decided to look at it like this, we are nice guys (my screen name says it so it must be true)... When they were our girlfriends they got the "privilege" of getting our nice guy treatment, and we did our best to make them feel as special and loved as possible, but if they don't want us any longer than they lose all the things that came with us. They are not going to get those little things from us that make them feel good any longer... thats reserved for our future girls, where ever they may be.

Awesome I like that NNG.

A quickie:

Just got back from a weekend trip with my friends. It was pretty fun, though I'm exhausted now at work. Got to hang out with my friend who I haven't seen in a while as he is out of state for the summer, but it was fun. Tough going back to work now :(

I could talk about how I feel about my ex right now, but that won't help me get it out of my head :) Here's a more interesting topic to talk about... Last Friday I got a text from her step sister asking me if I wanted to go to the bar with her, then I was texted many more times about when I was coming and 'yelled at' (jokingly) for not going. Made me wonder a little bit because It would be pretty awkward if she was trying to hit on me.. Probably a situation I should stay away from, but she has been talking to me more lately than previously...

:eek:

Hi BigBird,

I think that is a good thing that you didn't go. I mean, she could have just wanted to meet up as friends, but honestly, if while you were dating your ex, you never hung out with here sister then, I would say she may be a tad interested. You handled that great!

I'm glad you are feeling better too! Your strength is excellent, and something that I hope to have as each day passes.

Hmm,

Posting a little more often than usual -- not a great sign.

Been feeling down lately as I was reminded of my ex online the other day. Didn't really learn anything new, don't want to, just that she was (apparently) going away somewhere. I don't know where, when or with who and don't really want to. After some thought, I realized that I didn't learn anything new, so my being upset must be due simply to being reminded of her and that she seems to be happy...

In conjunction with that, I have been feeling pretty frustrated with myself lately. When we first broke up, I was feeling fine. I went through the first few weeks with hardly a hiccup. Now, almost two months later, I feel like I am spending more time thinking about her then I did back then. Its getting to the point where I'm sick of it - I wake up in a bad mood because she is the first thing on my mind -- and the images are never good. Just thinking about her talking, cuddling, loving, etc, etc, etc with anyone else puts me in a down mood.

I don't want to drone on about the thoughts I have of her, but I guess I am looking for insights from people who have been there and done that. As far as I can tell I am doing all the right things. I go out as much as possible, have been eating healthy and going to the gym religiously. I haven't had contact with her, and when I was exposed to things online I didn't enjoy, I deleted the links. How long does this really go on for?? I know that's a question nobody can answer, but do I really have to put up with feeling like sh*t for the next year?

I'm sick of it already, and thinking that she is happier than she ever was with me makes it a million @#$@#$ times worse... :mad: :mad:

Hi BigBird,

Sweetie, I know how you feel. I was pretty good for a month, and now I am feeling worse as well. This, I believe, is completely natural, although it does suck. I think the more you loved someone the harder it is to get past, as well as all the feelings, what they are doing, who are they with, etc. I know it is so hard, but try not to think about those things. Unfortunately they are beyond your control (and mine), and we have to think about us now, and focus on moving on. And yes, you are doing everything right. You are doing great! I think another reason why we start going to that dark place in our minds is the fact that they may be with someone else, but we aren't. Now, that does not mean that we should find someone to be with, just to be with (not that we would), but just know that we will be happy again with someone who will appreciate us, and love us, that we will love back, and appreciate. I wish I had a magic wand, and I would wave it for all of us.

Yes, your right on many points.

It is natural, it does suck. It hurts because I loved her a lot and it just sucks not knowing if they are missing you or not. I know I shouldn't concern myself with that, but nevertheless it creeps in at times.

The hardest part is the thoughts of them being with someone else and you being left behind. I feel like a fool, but I almost feel as I have been cheated on. Maybe it's the fact that she was my first love, and my first for pretty much everything, so the thought of her with anyone else kills me. It doesn't matter now...

What I feel is a hybrid between anger and sadness. On one hand, I am furious with myself for not feel better, for not doing better than her and for not getting over this. I'm frustrated with the enormous amount of time this is taking and the toll it is having on me. I have wasted so much time and energy being upset about something I can't control - and there's nothing I can do to feel better faster.

On the other hand, I am sad that she possibly may not be thinking about me at all. She probably isn't the same person at all anymore and that is sad. To think that so much has changed in her life since I last saw her and I know nothing about it is a tough thing to think about. I suppose the same is for me, she might be feeling the same - but I can't depend on her feelings to make me feel better - and I won't.

Sorry for the ranting, for some reason today is going to be tough and I have a long, boring day at work ahead of me. Seriously looking forward to the gym after work so I can vent a little bit.

Thanks for listening...

Hi BigBird,

You don't ever have to apologize. We are all here for you :) And I know you feel frustrated and angry, but please, PLEASE don't feel that way. You are normal, and most important? You know how to love, and feel love. That is beautiful! Be proud :). It will take time, unfortunately, to heal. If I may ask, BB, do you want to get back with her? I know you are missing her, but, if you were still together, do you see yourself having a future with her?

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

Starlite,

No. I don't want to get back together with her. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. There is no chance it would ever work even if we tried...

I can honestly say that before the relationship ended I knew it was going to end. When I look back, it was obvious that things weren't really workout out that well. We had some heavy discussions which didn't always go the best they could have. We argued a lot of stupid things and I had even had conversations about marriage and telling her that "The way we are now, I can't myself with you forever, we have problems we need to fix first". I guess I was a little expecting it subconsciously.

That is half the reason that I am so angry with myself now. I know there were issues. In all honesty, she didn't treat me perfectly, and I always tried to give her everything (I obviously wasn't perfect). She would get angry with me because our lives were so different. She hated my friends and didn't like a lot of my hobbies. She isn't very social and didn't have many friends, and I liked to go out and hang out with them. She didn't like that. The long story short - we were very different people.

It just bothers me that I know all of these things but it still bothers me so much to this day. When she broke up with me, she told me through tears that she "honestly thought I wouldn't care". I don't know why she thought that, but I guess she really thought I had lost my feelings for her - not true.

In any case, no, I don't see a future with her, though its hard for me to see that clearly now. At times I wish I could just hang out with her and be friendly and see if maybe she had changed, but we had a lot of problems due to incompatibility and I'm sure they would still exist.

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess that's selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if she's moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue... maybe that clears it up a little bit.

Progress however small is still progress. At this point I will venture a guess that you are experiencing buried feelings coming to the surface to be dealt with. How? By making new memories to push the old ones aside. If that means a change in routine, something or someone new in your life, or just more work, do it!

Volunteer!!! A great way to fill your time. Doing for others is the ultimate way of putting things in perspective.

Thanks tal,

I do see progress, and this is just a slump I'm sure. I have been thinking that getting out and doing new things is what I need to do and have been doing so for the last few weeks. I am working tons, so I don't know if I can fit in volunteering right now, but I did volunteer at the beginning of the summer for about a month and it did feel good.

I just don't like thinking I've been left behind - I have always been afraid of her moving on first.

You aren't being left behind Biggie, you are moving forward. On the path to healing there are sometimes a few rocks, you trip, you fall, stand up, brush yourself off and keep going. You might encounter many rocks along the way, but sooner or later you'll keep your eyes open for them and avoid them, then it's smooth sailing until the end of the road. :)

When I'm having a hard time dealing with something, or I'm just angry or sad, I write it down. I have tons of letters I've written to people I was upset with, letters that were just for me, never sent. It's cathartic, it helps. Maybe start a journal, write down all the feelings you are having. At the end, when you are finally completely healed (and you will be), burn the journal, a ceremony of freedom from the past.

Keep moving forward sweetie, you're doing really well. Remember, we're always here for backup. :)

I don't want to get back together, but I don't really want her moving on before me. I guess thats selfish, and I really wouldn't ever know if shes moving on, so it shouldn't be an issue....maybe that clears it up a little bit.

Hi BigBird,

I know how you feel, actually, I am sure all of us either feel or have felt that way. We are so heartbroken, and we tend to analyze our realtionships (what went wrong, how could it have been fixed, etc), and now our ex's have moved on (Why? What about us? Don't we mean anything to you anymore? Are you (the ex's) missing us like we are missing you? All of these thoughts I'm sure are felt by all of us. But, the key is to try and not go to that dark place. Easier said than done. My saving grace is being here, with all of you.

Sweetie, you will get past this, I promise :)

I understand how you feel... We wish we could trade places with our exes.. Since they dumped us they should be the ones feeling sad.. not us!. we should be happy and having fun and not thinking about them!!

Been a busy morning for me on this site, just trying to get some thoughts out:

I think I have hit the 2 month mark for NC. Never thought around now would be the toughest part... Its morning right now, so forgive me if this post reeks of despairity, its how I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm a little annoyed with myself for not being able to stop thinking about her and what she is doing. My mind is intent on thinking about her and her being with someone else. Who knows if its true, I don't and don't want to. I'd love to find out she isn't but its not a risk I'm going to take. So I find myself turning to things she said before we broke up/as we were breaking up. She was telling me that the reason she wanted to breakup was because she had personal issues she wanted to take care of. She hated the way she treated me (long story, probably back a few pages somewhere) among other things. She wanted to be by herself to try and straighten herself out.

Needless to say, I find myself condemning her as a liar and a cheater even though I have no idea what is going on with her. The thought or her possibly being out of town with some guy already almost makes me want to cry -- something I don't know if I have done at all throughout this breakup...

I guess my mood right now would be frustrated with myself, missing the hell out of her (who knows why), and just overall down.

Still looking to get back up on that high side...

Morning Big, having a rough one today huh! Normal, as I am starting to see a pattern here you may not be aware of, but whenever you feel down you turn back to the ex and follow a line of thinking that's quite depressing to say the least.

If I might suggest a slight change in tactic for a while, how about having specific tasks in the mornings, that make you get up, and focus on for a few hours. I know you work, but being busy during the normal lulls in the action, may change your thinking and out look, and help prevent you looking back, and thinking the worst.

There is a very good reason volunteer work, is always the first thing I recommend, because it allows you another perspective and MAKES you see how grateful you should be for what you have. Its especially good for those who have really high, highs, and very low, lows, as a natural human cycle of feelings. Make sense?

Hi bigbird souinds like you are having a tough time. I know how you feel and when I get like that I find it almost impossible to do anything but think about my ex. I have to force myself to do things even if it is only taking a walk or visiting friends. Often I do not walk far or visit for long but I try to make myself do something. Hope by the time you read this you are doing better.

By the way I think crying helps. It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship.

I know the feelings of despair you can feel, especially in the morning. And for whatever reason, the mind wanders back to the ex and we start playing out in our minds what they're up to, what they've been doing, etc.

But anytime you feel that way, you need to consciously turn the focus back on you. What do you want to be doing in life? What are your goals? What can you do to make yourself happy?

I think you probably have a tendency to start imagining this fairy tale happy-ending story for your ex and her life when in reality you should be thinking about the fairy tale happy-ending story for YOUR life. Let her worry about her own life.

Read your posts on here and the help you've given others. You can see by those what an awesome and amazing guy you are! You have a great future ahead of you. Don't let some bad days, bad moments, keep you down for long. You deserve everything you want in this world and thinking about her is just distracting you from going out in living. Don't be afraid to let go of the past and move forward.

And here's some practical advice. As you know, we broke up around the same time so we're in a somewhat similar place in the post-breakup calendar and I truly believe these are some things that I did that have really started to make me feel "whole" and like "myself" again. Over the past month, I've grown soooo much and feel 100X better than a month ago, and here's some things that I credit for that:

(1) Meeting new people/reconnecting with old friends. Whether its hanging out with my girls I wasn't seeing as frequently as I should have been when I was in a relationship, or simply interacting with strangers at the supermarket, etc... getting out there in the world and actually interacting with the world around me rather than being out in the world and living in my own mind has really helped.
(2) Focusing on work. For 2 months I was a walking zombie at work. Now when I'm at work, I'm 100% there. Working, multitasking, shooting the sh*t with co-workers. Whatever.
(3) Volunteer/Take a class/Join a social group. I joined a volleyball league. So much fun, great exercise, and a great way to meet new and diverse people.
(4) Redecorated my house. In the process of redecorating every room of my house. It's a strenuous task.
(5) Exercise. Started a new exercise regime. Not only helps the body looks great, but also makes you feel great... and strong!

I still think about my ex a million times a day but there fleeting moments because I have so many other things going on right now. The main part of all these activities is it lets you reconnect yourself and reconnect with the outside world. I was tired of living in my own little world, in my own little mind, for 2 months post-breakup. There's so much else out there if you force yourself to see it and do it.

Biggie, chin up, this too shall pass, doesn't it always? Get out, have fun, get your mind busy so you stop thinking of her. Remember one thing, she is no longer your concern, what she does from now on is her business, and even though it may bother you, you have better things to worry about. Really, truly, honestly, one day she will just be a memory, but right now you have to get her out of your head and heart. Hard work, but you are up for the challenge, I know you are, we know you are, and you know you are. :)

Remember don't stress the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. :)

Thanks everyone for the responses. I really needed it. It's the next morning and I'm feeling kind of sh*tty again, but not quite as bad as yesterday. Reading all this helped, maybe that might be part of my plan when I'm down.

Tal - I will look into some sort of volunteer work. Your advice actually lines up with advice I got from someone else remarkably well. I was told that I was so used to being selfless and giving so much to my ex that now, without someone to give to, I don't know what to do. Almost like I have a huge desire to give to someone, but that person is gone now. I think having tasks in the morning will be good too - something to keep me focused and get me past the first few hours or so of the day.

F104 - I have taken walks, but surprisingly they seem to not help me out much. It just turns into more down time for me to think and mull over what's bothering me. Thanks for the advice though. Visiting friends really does help. If I had to say one thing helps the most, it would probably be going for a drive. I don't really have any privacy in my house, so going for a drive and playing my music loud helps quite a bit. I know driving emotional isn't the best idea, but it helps.

losingit - You are right. We are just about the same point in our NC calendars. And you hit it directly on the head when you said fairy tale ending for my ex. Not to be mean, but her having a fairy tale ending right now is not what I want. Sure I care for her and want her to be happy, and two weeks ago I would have said I hope she finds someone, but recently I have backslid into a less mature state. Out of the steps you outlined, I have done a few of them. I started a lifting routine a month ago and have been doing that M-F every week.

The funny thing about me is that I feel like I did things backwards. In the beginning I was pretty much okay. I was doing well at work, going out and having fun without thinking about her, etc.. But now, I am more of a zombie now then I was ever before. It didn't effect my work a month ago, last week - it did. I feel like I accepted it was over, let go fine and then, a month later, went back in the past and grabbed back onto it. Now I can't let go again.

Alty - Getting out is what I have been trying to do. It helps to be out and be busy, it just feels like I am re-making all of the progress that I had done a while ago. I don't know why something as stupid as seeing her going out late at night and possibly out of town has thrown me back so far. Stupid stuff...

Thanks again for all the input guys. I had a thought when I first woke up and I am going to post it below this in another post. I'm not sure if its going to make me feel better, but I think it warrants putting down in case I decide to reread all of my posts...

Okay,

I found it. Did a little research and read the old posts on my profile when we were together. There is a lot of stuff in there, but I thought this summarized part of it anyway.



Highlights from the phone conversation i just had:

"Your nothing to me"
"I hope to God you get arrested"
"If you were lying on the curb, I'd drive right by"
"Your the dumbest sh*t i know"
"Your worthless"

....I dont deserve this, even if she was angry


How can I miss someone like this???? Reading that is a TERRIBLE thing to ever say to ANYONE, but I can't get over her? Shouldn't I be glad to be out of such an abusive relationship??

ARG - I'm going out.

Thank you all again.

Phew,

Back again. 8:30 AM and I am actually feeling good :)

I'm getting towards feeling like I did a week and a half ago. I can see it coming. For some reason, when I had the thought which I posted in my previous post with the quote from last year, something seemed to click a little bit. Maybe I took off the rose colored glasses and caught a glimpse?

No doubt it still sucks, but much better off than 48 hours ago.

Biggie, that quote two posts ago, the one about your phone conversation, print that out on a big piece of paper and put it on the wall by your bed. Next time you wake up feeling sad, look at that paper, read that and remember why you shouldn't miss her, but be grateful that she is out of your life. Just a thought, might not work, but maybe it will. :)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, getting back on track. Reading back from the beginning can be very helpful, it not only makes you remember all the stuff you went through, but it make you see how far you've come, and Biggie, you've come a far way. Not much further to go, I'd venture to say that you've already covered more ground than you have left to cover.:)

Hi BigBird,

Alty has an excellent idea. Print out that conversation, and when you are feeling down about your ex, read it over and you will I'm sure feel better about things. I am glad that you are feeling better. You are doing great, and you are so great to us!! You always are there for us, and it means so much. Please know that we are here for you too :-)

Not much further to go, I'd venture to say that you've already covered more ground than you have left to cover.:)

Thanks, that's encouraging. Sometimes when your down, you lose sight of the end and that can be worse than feeling down in the first place.

The end is in sight, it really is, just remember not to rush to the end, you might trip and fall. Slow and steady wins the race. :)

Hi all,

Been a while since I have updated on my situation so here goes:

Not much has changed. I have been getting along, feeling a little better day by day I suppose. I don't feel the improvements anymore, I just don't really have huge down times. I still think about her a LOT every day, but a lot of the time it isn't sad/depressing thoughts. Many times I miss her, other times I wonder what she is doing... but all in all I guess I'm feeling better...

One good sign (I think) is that I have been quite focused on meeting new people and I'm anxious to try to date/hang out with some new girls. I'm working on a few issues that are giving me problems in that department, but it should be happening soon - I hope. It's a little discouraging to have it not happen. I don't want to become desperate, so I go out and have fun and try to keep people entertained/laughing/having fun without putting any pressure on myself to get anywhere with anyone, but sometimes I wonder if I need a little pressure to make something happen.

I guess time will tell... I'm really starting to hate that phrase :)

Time goes by much faster when your having fun. If you read my posts you will get the idea that FUN, and enjoying yourself, and others is a very important part of my life. If you take nothing else I say seriously, having fun is the basis for being here.

Just got back from a 4 day road trip with my friend. It was pretty good as every time I started to think about her, I was with the right guy to make me forget all about it. It was a lot of fun.

I'm still thinking about her a lot, which bothers me a little bit, but I haven't had any hiccups lately, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm still working on going out and meeting new girls as I think that will help me a little bit, just the attention I guess... It was tough because some of the music I kept hearing was reminding me of her, but I was able to push it out of my mind within a few minutes.

I have convinced myself that she has a new boyfriend and isn't thinking about me anymore, and I don't really know why, but I have become numb to it. It's a little stupid since I have no proof or any indication that this is true, but I guess I prepared myself for the worst? Perhaps I just don't care anymore? Who knows.

I'm hoping today isn't rough since it's the fourth of July and was a day we always used to go to a family party of hers. I sucks thinking about her going with some other guy but who knows what she is doing - not my problem, I'll try to keep it out of my mind.

Thanks for listening

Found myself thinking about being friends with my ex again yesterday. The good news - I was very close to indifferent about it. I guess that's progress.. :)

The only memory that still bugs me hit me a few minutes ago: her asking about remaining friends with me and when I said no, the sound of her voice and her choking back tears hurt me pretty badly. It still tugs at me now, which I don't understand, but I hate to think that I'm causing her pain. I would hope she wouldn't hold that against me.

I'm sure she wouldn't BB. There's no way you could be friends until you have fully healed my man.

If I were you, id put BB at the front of your mind and in the driving seat, and try and minimise any thoughts of your ex, in particular her feeling bad when you said no to her friend request.

She shouldn't expect you to just be able to turn your feelings to friendship from a relationship.

Keep following your path. Good things will come your way I know that for sure. You'll be friends when your ready and if you want to, whenever that may be.

Keep up the good work

JPM

Wow,

So its been a few weeks since I have been back on this post, I figured maybe its time for an update?

Not sure how much there is to report, just keeping on keeping on I suppose. Working every day, keeping busy after work and going to work the next day more tired than the day before. I'm having fun, which helps, and I'm going to be very busy this coming weekend -- being in my friend's wedding and all...

Still meeting new people and working on being more outgoing and conversational, but I've gotten myself to stop worrying about finding a "random hook up" or whatever you might like to call it. Sure it might be tempting, but forcing something like that can only end poorly.

If anyone's following, there are few things that still upset me about the breakup. The first just surfaced recently and I have been re-examining mistakes I made and things I could have done better which makes me feel a little down, but I just remind myself that its all in the past, and we both made mistakes. No matter what your talking about in life, there are few times when you can look back and not see an improvement you could have made.

I hope if anyone has been following this from beginning to end that the progress that I feel I have made is evident in the postings I have been making...

I am chalked filled with quotes today, "we cannot rewrite the pages of history, but we can write the ones of the future" Don't worry about the past, it is dead and gone. You can sit here for DAYS on DAYS thinking of what you could have done better, but it won't change the facts and won't help you know. You know your flaws, you will find someone who compliments those flaws and accepts them.

You have definitely made a lot of progress from your first post until this one. You should be very proud as I know we are.

Ditto, and as I am known to do, give you this to think about, a mistake in one relationship, maybe a deal closer, in another. The lesson is be realistic about your choices, and decisions, and stand by them, putting yourself first. So making good decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings, for yourself, is the whole goal, of the growing experience.

WELL KEPT SECRET: You will be growing, and learning until you die, unless you choose not to.

Thanks guys - it sucks to have regrets but I can't be hung up on them. I've made mistakes just as she has, so I won't blame myself. Learn from my mistakes and move on knowing that I am a stronger and better person.

That's what nc's all about, right? To look back, reflect on those mistakes, so you don't make them in your new relationships.

This is why people who "rebound" usually never fix things... they never realize their mistakes.

I agreem rebounding is the worst thing to do.. the last thing I want to do is go on a boring date with dude.. ugg

Hey all,

Been a long time since I posted an update, so I figured I'd write a little about what's going on...

First off, lately I have been feeling great. I have been keeping busy, working, going out almost every day after work, and going to the gym every day religiously. When the weekends come, I make sure I'm busy all weekend. Have been meeting new people (mostly friends of friends) and being more outgoing and just trying to have fun without worrying about what people think of me. Its easier to have a good time, and make others have a good time, when your not worried about someone laughing at you or thinking you're an idiot...

Currently, myself esteem is higher than it has been as far back as I can remember. I'm sure going to the gym has helped a lot with this, along with meeting people and just trying to have fun. Since the beginning of the summer, I have lost about 15-20 pounds and am much stronger than I was before.

The self-esteem is one of the biggest things I have noticed. It is much easier to not be shy and to not care what other people are thinking about you if you are confident in yourself. Just last week I was told by my friend's girlfriend that a girl that I think is attractive "might like me" (whatever that means). Aside from that, with my friend one night, two girls told me that I reminded them of someone they knew from high school that I didn't know. I asked if it was a bad thing, and they said "No, he's cute". Honestly, it was the first time I felt good about the way I look in a while.

Sorry to drag out the story, but I wanted to post an update on how I am feeling... I hope that anyone following this can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel and not give up hope and just push through it.

(This might be the first post I have written in this entire story which was entirely positive and didn't mention my ex (that doesn't count :)) :D)

Great to hear bigbird!! I'm so glad for you! It really does help to know there is light at the end.. I know I will get there eventually

It is great that the outcome of it all is you with better self-esteem. Secondly, you no caring about what others think. Having confience is so good. Keep working on your positives and continue to grow.

BB, see! A few months ago, you would never have thought feeling the way you do was possible! I am very happy for you that you have decided to go the positive route and make new friends and be more outgoing! Congrats!

Thanks guys,

Rome - A lot of those things were things that I had wanted to do for a long time, and I guess the breakup was just enough motivation to get me moving again. Sometimes changing yourself is hard when you are with someone, since they might not really like the changes your thinking about.

I know I have come a long way, probably have a little further to go, but there isn't anything I'm afraid to do anymore. I still haven't seen and/or talked to her since the breakup, but I think if I did I would be able to say hi, talk briefly, smile, and walk away unaffected. Hell, she might even get a hug out of it...

Hey everyone...

So its been 3.5ish months out of 4 years.. I think I might have hit the tripe digits in days now, who knows :p I don't know when the last contact we had was, and I'm not searching my inbox for the email...

As far as the ex goes: I like to think that I am doing really well. I don't wake up thinking about her and upset anymore. I don't really have very many down moments at all - I just keep busy and am happy being single at this time. Something happened last night which bothered me though - it made me think of the other times its happened...

Her name was brought up in conversation about being somewhere that I might go. Now, I don't have a problem talking about her or the breakup or anything, but for some reason when I hear about her, my heart jumps a little bit. I get nervous/anxious I suppose... and (obviously) I think about her a little bit... Is this normal after this long?

The exact situation is this: There is a concert next week which my friends want me to go to. I found out from one friend that my ex is going with his sister (they were friends before we were dating). I don't even know if she will be around my friends and I or not. So I'm a bit confused as I don't want it to seem like I'm scared of seeing her and not going because of that, but for some reason I am a little nervous. Sometimes does it take seeing the ex again to actually help me realize that I'm further than I thought, or am I better safe than sorry??

Congratulations on your progress.


when I hear about her, my heart jumps a little bit. I get nervous/anxious

Im exactly the same. Its like time stops for a couple of seconds and then I'm resusatated.

You can't put anything off for this girl... the chances are that you will bump into her at some point so why not get it over and done with?

To be honest with you, the "jumping of the heart" happened to me too... it gets old after a while.

As far as the concert, I say... go for it. Why live your life based on her, right? You want to go to the concert, go to the concert. If you see her there, enjoy it... say hi, be polite, but enjoy the heck out of the concert. Don't mind her.

I think it comes down to fear of knowing things that will upset me. The funny part is, I've been so adamant about not letting that happen, I don't even know if it would bother me. I don't even really know if I want to go to the concert, but I'll try to leave her out of the decision.

Good man. And if she does see you, be sure to casually flex.

... or pick up a girl before you run into her. And casually forget the ex's name when introducing new girl.. . if you do, I'll send you some money.

I have a week to plan this out, I'm sure I can think of something good...

To be honest, I'd like to see her reaction to seeing me again after 4 month of working out and eating right.. Might be interesting :p Maybe I could catch a bit of jealousy :)

or you could be a completely @ss and did what I did when I ran into my ex at a club.

... I was with some girl... random girl... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around, it was her.

mind you, I was... pretty... um... not myself. And it was the fourth of July.

... so... I stood at attention, and I saluted her. Then returned to the girl.

... I think... she got the message...

The goal is indifference. One day you'll get there.

If I was you I'd just always do what you think will be the most fun. If you ever cross paths it will be a small test - that you will pass - and will not be as bad as your mind thinks it might... You've come a long way. Congrats! You're in great shape physically and mentally!

Thanks,

Its going to be a last minute decision so I guess I'll just see what happens then. I'd like to prove to myself that I won't be bothered, but I feel like if I saw her that not being "herself" (as in how I knew her back then) it would bother me... which is funny since I'm not the same person either...

It may bother you. But that is OK. You are human... But it won't ruin your life. And it may not even happen... Go have fun and come straight here if any problems at all!

We'll take care of it!

Wouldn't you be mad burning all that emotional energy on something that may not happen?

Wouldn't you be mad burning all that emotional energy on something that may not happen??

That's a good perspective on it, almost like I'd be wasting all that time and energy to find out that there was no reason to in the beginning at all...

Another bit of an update - Its been long enough now :)

I guess total time now I'm looking at somewhere just beyond 4 months. Broken down into days, that's a hell of a long time. Doesn't quite seem so long ago that I was in much worse shape than I am today - but it seemed like today was forever away then...

Had a bit of a test, actually more like two, today. The first was when I was playing cards with my friend and his sister. His sister, who knows my ex through friends, innocently said that she is "dating some boy [blah blah blah]" and my mind immedately went a little numb. My heart dropped, my face went flush, and I sort of freaked - inside. On the outside, I seemed normal, except I probably shut up quick for a few minutes. I didn't let it show, but hearing that bothered me. Not only that, she mentioned that she "goes to work late so that he doesn't see her without makeup on". That bothered me just since it is one of those "cute" gestures new couples do. Ugh - sickening :( I was bothered, but to be honest (I don't know if you can tell by my post) I'm doing alright with it now... Still sucks, but im alright (not to mention im fairly sure i know who it is based on other "clues" she said.

Later in the night I also heard things from someone different about how she has been doing. The general gist of the talk was that she had quit her job, didn't have a job for a while, and her parents were being tough on her. She was paying rent now, covering all her own bills, etc, etc... I think that only bothered me in a "I feel bad" sort of way - or that she is changing and certainly doesn't sound like the person I knew. That doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't make me happy either - so sue me....

After writing that, it all sounds so stupid, but I can't help but be a little upset about it. Don't get me wrong, im not crying - but I feel like some of the things that were said were lies now. In all honesty, I do feel like a weight was lifted, I'm not afraid of hearing things anymore, but still not happy....

I'm not going to put down this other guy, plus im not positive who he is, but I will say if it is the same guy then she definately had a "downgrade" which actually makes me feel worse, not better. I also feel like I am doing better in the situation since most everything that happened to me since the breakup has been positive, and quite the opposite for her....

I appreciate any advice/words anyone has for me. I'm sure I'll hear this, so i'll write it down for myself: She isn't my concernt anymore, and I shouldn't be worried about what she is doing or who she is becoming. Saying that is fine, living it is a little harder, plus thinking thoughts about her being "with" another guy (in a physical sense) hurts a bit - brings up those feelings of being "left behind".

Thanks for letting me vent, just had to get all that out of my head...

Time for bed - goodnight!

Everyone has a few bumps in the road, and despite you hearing something about her, I think that you are almost there in terms of being over her. Yeah it stings a little but the way you acted was very positve. KEEP IT UP ! Now those thoughts that cross your mind right now, as you think about it step back and think of how you were yesterday and the day before, in one word FINE, No worries. Get that in your head as some of these thoughts cross your mind. In addition when they do appear, quickly think of something else or quickly get yourself busy, that also helps.
Best Regards.

Way back in yesteryear, my ex fiancé sent my mom a wedding invitation, about a year after the break up. Devastating, for about 10 minutes, and then the feelings passed as I had a few chores to help with.

The point, don't sit to long in a spot your not comfortable in. Let those feelings pass, or move to better ground.

It always helped me, when I realized it wasn't me stirring up old memories, it was the well meaning folks around me. That's where the standard answer came about for all those times, thats nice, I'm glad for her, and then its on to things that matter.

Thanks guys,

After sleeping on it I don't really feel any worse. The part that bugs me is having her on my mind so much more than normal lately. On top of that, it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time thinking about her when she is obviously busy doing other things. I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my time.

Hopefully the constant thoughts will fade soon - working on keeping busy...

Keep doing what you are doing... it is the right thing

So I'm back pretty soon...

Have been hanging around the site a little more than normal lately, in fact she has been on my mind in some capacity everyday now for a week or so. It's a bit frusterating as I feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forward. I'm sure it has to do with me being back in school, and having memories of last semester, coupled with all the free time and lack of friends/activities that I had at home here..

Had my first dream about her in a while last night, no need to go into details, but needless to say it involved her and me, then her and other guys with me present and it just wasn't fun at all.. Obviously, it means nothing more than I was thinking about her, but it doesn't evoke great emotions. I'm just hoping this semester doesn't turn out to last an eternity - it feels like school is the largest roadblock for me now... keeping me thinking about her.

Its pretty amazing how a person, just one person out of the 6+ billion others out there becomes so important to us. We pin our hopes and dreams on being with that person and when their no longer around it seems that no one else can fill those boots. That person is gone emotionally and physically so why do we inflict this suffocating mixture of emotional turmoil and sheer anxiety on ourselves when we are forced to face the world without that one insignificant person.

Bigbird your ex is just like mine - nothing but a drop in the ocean! I know exactly what you're going through, it feels as though I'm going backwards with regards to my healing process just when I thought things were going pretty damn well. I get to see her with her new man for the first time tomorrow, how lucky am I?

Well I hope you guys don't mind me digging up this old thread. Been a twist to the story lately and I'd like some opinions about how to proceed.

For the record, its been NC the entire way and lately I have been feeling fine. I don't think there is anything that brings me down about it anymore, and for the past month or two I haven't had a down moment about it. So that's how I stand at the moment.

For the twist: A few days ago, she messages me online. Out the blue, really startled me to see her name after 7 months of no contact. I was nervous because it was such a shock to me.

Anyway, the reason she messaged me was that she heard about the passing of my grandmother a few weeks earlier and wanted to let me know she was sorry. I didn't get the message, so I wrote her a short email saying thank you and I appreciate it. The next day, she messages me online again to say "I got your email and thought it would be easier to tell you here than in an email". (Excuse?) That turned into a conversation for about an hour and a half catching up, etc. It was awkward at first, but was actually really nice to hear from her and I got the impression she thought the same.

Then, two days go by and I don't hear from her. Last night she sent me another message (I wasn't at the computer) about something which didn't warrant her sending me a message at all.

So this is where I am at... I'm not really sure if she is 'playing at' anything or just trying to talk to me. Its weird after so long, so I was a little nervous that she might be missing me or something. I Don't see myself getting back together with her, and don't see myself in a relationship with anyone for a while - no desire to.

Basically, I'm looking for input on the contact bit. I don't really see the harm in talking to her once in a while, and was thinking of actually messaging her at some point.

The contact we have had hasn't bothered me at all. Obviously, it makes me think about her more than normal, but they aren't thoughts that get me down or depress me - just nostalgic feelings.

So I'm torn because it feels like I'm doing the "wrong" thing simply because for the longest time any sort of contact would have been absolutely banned.

Anyone been there, or have any suggestions? I know it's the sort of thing that only I can decide, but any advice is appreciated. Sorry for writing so much, Been a while since I have updated, so it took a bit to get it all down.

Like you said, talking to her hasn't really brought up any sad or depressed feelings... but it has brought you back to AMHD. By the way, nice to see you are still alive bird.

Who really knows why she initiated contact that time without a real reason, trying to decipher and understand it is just wasting more energy on a subject that I know you have already exhausted. Frankly I think she is just fishing for your feelings... Could be wrong though, maybe she genuinely wants to be your friend or is looking to start something again. I and nobody except her know. If it doesn't bother you than you can continue talking to her if its what you want. I think you should just be careful, as you are not "fully" over it and those stupid feelings of ours have a way of sneaking back into our heads. Been there. I say don't make this a habit, maybe talk to her once in a while but be aware of how you feel the more you talk to her, and if those crappy feelings start to return than you know what you have to do.

Thanks NNG,

Not making it a habit is definitely a focus of mine. Like I said, I don't see myself dating her again, and I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation of feeling bad if I had to say, "I don't think so, sorry" If this became routine, it might go that way...

How have you been doing?

Maybe contacting you again has stirred those feelings in her, and she acted on them. Which is exactly what we tell you not to do.

Either way let it go for now, and don't start anything you can't finish. As you know, I believe in letting emotional dust settle before confusion sets in.

You've been doing great though, and good to see the progress you've been making.

Well I hope you guys don't mind me digging up this old thread. Been a twist to the story lately and I'd like some opinions about how to proceed.

For the record, its been NC the entire way and lately I have been feeling fine. I don't think there is anything that brings me down about it anymore, and for the past month or two I haven't had a down moment about it. So that's how I stand at the moment.

For the twist: A few days ago, she messages me online. Out the blue, really startled me to see her name after 7 months of no contact. I was nervous because it was such a shock to me.

Anyway, the reason she messaged me was that she heard about the passing of my grandmother a few weeks earlier and wanted to let me know she was sorry. I didn't get the message, so I wrote her a short email saying thank you and I appreciate it. The next day, she messages me online again to say "I got your email and thought it would be easier to tell you here than in an email". (Excuse?) That turned into a conversation for about an hour and a half catching up, etc. It was awkward at first, but was actually really nice to hear from her and I got the impression she thought the same.

Then, two days go by and I don't hear from her. Last night she sent me another message (I wasn't at the computer) about something which didn't warrant her sending me a message at all.

So this is where I am at... I'm not really sure if she is 'playing at' anything or just trying to talk to me. Its weird after so long, so I was a little nervous that she might be missing me or something. I DONT see myself getting back together with her, and don't see myself in a relationship with anyone for a while - no desire to.

Basically, I'm looking for input on the contact bit. I don't really see the harm in talking to her once in a while, and was thinking of actually messaging her at some point.

The contact we have had hasn't bothered me at all. Obviously, it makes me think about her more than normal, but they aren't thoughts that get me down or depress me - just nostalgic feelings.

So I'm torn because it feels like I'm doing the "wrong" thing simply because for the longest time any sort of contact would have been absolutely banned.

Anyone been there, or have any suggestions? I know its the sort of thing that only I can decide, but any advice is appreciated. Sorry for writing so much, Been a while since I have updated, so it took a bit to get it all down.

Dude, you love taking a beating from this girl, don't you? If you continue this, you will end up in more pain. SO STAY WAY FROM HER PERIOD!

Oh biggie.

7 months... sounds about right. It's in the "girl manual"... let me dig it up, I stole it from a girl.

It says..

"Give the guy anywhere from 7 - 8 months after the breakup, then when he is all settled in, contact him. Make sure the first attempt at contact is something important. Maybe he just got into a good school, or maybe he just got a new job, or maybe his parents just got divorced, etc. Whatever it may be, simply congratulate (or sympathize) him and end it there.

Wait a few days then contact him again, but this time, make the subject about something important, but not really necessary.

The third time, just simply say hi. Repeat this last one over and over again.

Biggie, I'm sorry for your loss. However, my ex contacted me about 8 months after we broke up to tell me "congrats on my new business venture"...I didn't respond (I had the manual). Then, she started contacting me every couple of weeks. A few weeks ago was her downfall.

It read:

You should be happy you're no longer with me, because I've turned into such a b%$(@ that I hate myself.

Sounds like a typical girl, right? Too bad she isn't. She was never one to say things like that, nor ever one to look down on herself...EVER. Imagine Hillary Clinton saying that...yeah, not possible. Anywho, I was at a bar with a few buddies and this was brought up, so I told them, and then one of the buddies told his girlfriends, and somehow, it got back to my ex.

My ex then texted me: "I can't believe you told everyone that."

then that was it. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks...last I heard, she and the new "ex" (they broke it off after 6 months... but are still canoodling) are getting along swimmingly.

Haha...

Thanks for the insight Sneezy... Well, I might have responded, but I don't really think I got myself into anything I can't manage. Its easy enough to go back to not talking at all, and/or avoiding scenarios where she might try it.

Good to hear it from someone who's been there.. I'm keeping my distance and my eyes wide open.