I am a 34 year old woman and I have never had and orgasm during sex. I can not feel anything pleasuring while I am being penetrated. I have had many lovers, some who I was actually in love with, but yet and still... nothing. The only time I get stimulated is when I masturbate with my dildo on my clitoris. I don't feel it if I put the dildo inside of me. I have tried relaxing with my lovers, long intimate foreplay, drinking, sexual drugs, all of that. But yet and still... nothing. Is this normal, what can I do to change feel it?

Sorry to hear this.

It is not normal but this is not unusual. Most women reach their climax from a combination of both, penetration & clitoris, great lovers could get a woman to climax without any of the two. (After shock I call it)

Have you tried different positions maybe this person is not hitting the right spot. If this is not the case be a possibility that your g-spot is not sensitive to the touch. See a doctor about this, there is injections that increase area of the g-spots.

Look at the bright side at least you climax, there are women who don't get them at all.

Several factors could come into play here. If you were raised to be very private about your body or to always be in complete control of your emotions or perhaps were taught if you feel good, it is wrong, even though you as an adult now and are open to experiencing this, since you can have an orgasm when alone, it might be you don't feel the freedom to let go as it were, let your body take in the moment and really enjoy it.

Too many distractions can take away from the ability to orgasm. Are you really self-conscious about your body, what a man might think if you had this experience with him.

Some men don't realize they are too begin softly with the clitoris but on the gspot, touch firmly in a "come hither" motion with the finger inside the vaginal area. The climaxes achieved from the clitoris and the gspot are so different from one another. I would concentrate on the clitoris first, not trying to orgasm while being penetrated. You know where your clitoris is located, some women's area of greatest pleasure comes from being touched more to the side, because theirs is more to the side. Some more straight on. Sometimes, just the heel of the hand on the outside rather than actually touching the works well. It depends on so many things.

In today's world, too much misinformation is out there, very misleading. It comes down to you and your mate, getting to know your body, when a certain touch begins to feel really good, take your hand on his and have him continue there or verbally tell him to keep doing what he is doing because it feels great. Guys aren't mind readers and not all guys know what they are doing in terms of ministering to the needs of their mate, only what makes them feel good. Be very verbal about what works for you, as well as asking him what pleases him. Not all men know how to move on the clitoris while they are penetrating a women, with the moves of their body. It doesn't just happen for most women, just because they are penetrated.

I hope this helps. I could elaborate more but perhaps have given a few good thoughts on this subject. I was a virgin when I married so it was a "live and learn" from the beginning and thankfully, my husband was patient and loving as he taught me. What works for five or six years for you, may need to be improved on as time goes on also.

Don't feel abnormal because of your issues. More people have issues than are willing to share because they feel they are alone in this problem and because of all the sex stuff out there these days, it appears that women just are on go go go, just because a man touches her. There is an art to making love. Not all men are artists! LOL I am just being silly but just to lighten the mood. Don't feel self-conscious about this, just try a few things I mentioned and others will also have good suggestions also. If your man really loves you, he will want to please you and most will be so happy if you tell him what pleases you.

I have climaxed while being penetrated but not always. Some of our greatest pleasures have come after having lots of visiting about what we want to do and what we want to experience, foreplay, easy touching, relaxing, then moving on into the situation. I don't mean to sound crass. I am a Christian and I love the Lord and I also love my husband. I just know that God didn't just give us this drive for the sake of procreating. He gave us this as a gift to enjoy each other in becoming one. To climax at the same time is great but for us, it seems that he pleasures me first which gets me really ready to receive him at my best which in turn is best for him also. I hope this helps.

The fact that you can achieve orgasm when you are alone says that your body is not the problem. That eliminates one issue. It is possible that having used dildo's or vibrators as much as you have, you know exactly where to place them to achieve the most satisfaction as quickly as you desire. It takes more work to achieve orgasm with another person involved and when it begins taking longer than you are use to with the help of aids, it causes you stress. Lovingly guide your mates hand to do what you do with the aids you use when you are alone. Hopefully you are able to visit with your mate about the issues you have shared here.

As in all areas of life, mind set, as well as communication, verbal or otherwise, is of utmost importance in achieving what we desire.

There are also stimulation rings that a man can wear to help with things, also positioning of the man on those areas, tell him when it is right

It is not normal but this is not unusual. Most women reach their climax from a combination of both, penetration & clitoris, great lovers could get a woman to climax without any of the two.

I disagree - if you class "normal" as being what the vast majority experience than yes it is normal. The whole point of using a vibrator is to find out what you like - you like stimulation like almost every woman. I used to have the same problem as you but now I use kegel exercises - I practice whenever I remember (you can even do it while you work lol) and once I became strong enough I did them during sex and it made all the difference. I find that if I have stimulation the inside becomes more sensitive too. You can also try shallow sex so that the edge of the head catches your g-spot.

Hi,

You are a woman at the height of her beauty, mature, not a naive-passive girl, and in your sexual peak. I will offer some suggestions based on my opinions and experience in developing female sexuality.

I think you should pack-up your vibrator and develop your natural responses, your natural sexual responses. Work on connecting to what is around you in nature or manmade structure... this is difficult to explain, but just an example from my distant past. I used to take a bus from the train station to my job in Chicago. One day, I noticed that when I stood holding on to keep my balance that the movement of the bus floor as it bounced and slammed against the ground sent shock waves up my legs and - you guessed it - stimulated my clitoris. Very nice. :) Make communication with nature, plants animals all the wonders and really feel emotionally all the beauty that surrounds you. Read quality erotica... that's learning from other women who have gone before you. Enjoy stories in your head and you will find yourself climaxing easily.

There are things that kill your development... being hungry all the time; you have to have a good healthy eating plan in place and that does not include harmful practices such as fasting and food deprivation.

There are things that help your development immensely... having a husband or long time lover with whom you feel very comfortable in expressing deep down honest sexual yearnings.

Fabulous orgasmic sex is about what is between your ears, not between your legs. Take time to develop your sexual mind; know what kind of person you are through introspection at this point.

Best wishes on your journey in 2008!

Thanks, George, for the very positive feedback!!

Do you self stimulate during sex? In the decades after the "g spot" was declared, pronounced, and heralded... it still remains a subject of debate. Some women swear it exists (as have a few of my partners, hands on bibles, and I've also seen what stim in this region can do for them) and some don't seem to get any response whatsoever...

An italian study just this past year proposed that some women are less innervated in this region, and that makes perfect sense to me... the women still had the tissue that engorged with blood, in part to protect the urethra, but some just didn't seem to respond to the stimulation that some attribute to sensations that excite the "roots" of the clitoris complex.

So, some questions...

When self stimulating, do you feel pleasurable sensations when its pressed at the sides of your labia minor? Meaning not deeply inserted, just stim with pressure against the sides with shallow penetration. This region bears the "legs" of the clitoral complex, and can produce pleasure.

Have you been able to reach orgasm with oral sex? Mixed question, because if the guy doesn't have clue, and you don't know what you want, it might never, ever get there. But have you hit orgasm with oral?

Have you tried positions where you have more control over pressure and angles? And again, in these positions have you tried self stimulation? If not, why?

Please answer some of these questions.

You should also know that sexual therapy can have some great results with people who struggle with sexual dysfuntion issues. Really. Don't be afraid to talk this out.

As mentioned above, good sex is really in the head. Not to diminish the physical aspect at all... good intentions alone don't get it done. At 18 my mind was willing, but the body was clueless. You need balance. A giving, knowledgeable lover and open communication.

Your body is a vehicle to be used to reach that destination, but your mind in where it is envisioned, experienced, processed, and enjoyed. My partner might love me to death, but if she cannot fully mentally release, it just can't happen.

Please post more info.

Kegels. Oh yes. Being in shape, there, can do wonderful things to your sex life.

what can I do to change feel it?
Tell your man what to do to get you off, and enjoy the practice, until its perfect. The bedroom is no place to be shy, so speak up, and get what you need.

Several factors could come into play here. If you were raised to be very private about your body or to always be in complete control of your emotions or perhaps were taught if you feel good, it is wrong, even though you as an adult now and are open to experiencing this, since you can have an orgasm when alone, it might be you don't feel the freedom to let go as it were, let your body take in the moment and really enjoy it.

Too many distractions can take away from the ability to orgasm. Are you really self-conscious about your body, what a man might think if you had this experience with him.

Some men don't realize they are too begin softly with the clitoris but on the gspot, touch firmly in a "come hither" motion with the finger inside the vaginal area. The climaxes achieved from the clitoris and the gspot are so different from one another. I would concentrate on the clitoris first, not trying to orgasm while being penetrated. You know where your clitoris is located, some women's area of greatest pleasure comes from being touched more to the side, because theirs is more to the side. Some more straight on. Sometimes, just the heel of the hand on the outside rather than actually touching the works well. It depends on so many things.

In today's world, too much misinformation is out there, very misleading. It comes down to you and your mate, getting to know your body, when a certain touch begins to feel really good, take your hand on his and have him continue there or verbally tell him to keep doing what he is doing because it feels great. Guys aren't mind readers and not all guys know what they are doing in terms of ministering to the needs of their mate, only what makes them feel good. Be very verbal about what works for you, as well as asking him what pleases him. Not all men know how to move on the clitoris while they are penetrating a women, with the moves of their body. It doesn't just happen for most women, just because they are penetrated.

I hope this helps. I could elaborate more but perhaps have given a few good thoughts on this subject. I was a virgin when I married so it was a "live and learn" from the beginning and thankfully, my husband was patient and loving as he taught me. What works for five or six years for ya, may need to be improved on as time goes on also.

Don't feel abnormal because of your issues. More people have issues than are willing to share because they feel they are alone in this problem and because of all the sex stuff out there these days, it appears that women just are on go go go, just because a man touches her. There is an art to making love. Not all men are artists! LOL I am just being silly but just to lighten the mood. Don't feel self-conscious about this, just try a few things I mentioned and others will also have good suggestions also. If your man really loves you, he will want to please you and most will be so happy if you tell him what pleases you.

I have climaxed while being penetrated but not always. Some of our greatest pleasures have come after having lots of visiting about what we want to do and what we want to experience, foreplay, easy touching, relaxing, then moving on into the situation. I don't mean to sound crass. I am a Christian and I love the Lord and I also love my husband. I just know that God didn't just give us this drive for the sake of procreating. He gave us this as a gift to enjoy each other in becoming one. To climax at the same time is great but for us, it seems that he pleasures me first which gets me really ready to receive him at my best which in turn is best for him also. I hope this helps.

The fact that you can achieve orgasm when you are alone says that your body is not the problem. That eliminates one issue. It is possible that having used dildo's or vibrators as much as you have, you know exactly where to place them to achieve the most satisfaction as quickly as you desire. It takes more work to achieve orgasm with another person involved and when it begins taking longer than you are use to with the help of aids, it causes you stress. Lovingly guide your mates hand to do what you do with the aids you use when you are alone. Hopefully you are able to visit with your mate about the issues you have shared here.

As in all areas of life, mind set, as well as communication, verbal or otherwise, is of utmost importance in achieving what we desire.


I am going to take your information and run with it... so informative!!

do you self stimulate during sex? in the decades after the "g spot" was declared, pronounced, and heralded... it still remains a subject of debate. some women swear it exists (as have a few of my partners, hands on bibles, and ive also seen what stim in this region can do for them) and some dont seem to get any response whatsoever...

an italian study just this past year proposed that some women are less innervated in this region, and that makes perfect sense to me... the women still had the tissue that engorged with blood, in part to protect the urethra, but some just didnt seem to respond to the stimulation that some attribute to sensations that excite the "roots" of the clitoris complex.

so, some questions...

when self stimulating, do you feel pleasurable sensations when its pressed at the sides of your labia minor? meaning not deeply inserted, just stim with pressure against the sides with shallow penetration. this region bears the "legs" of the clitoral complex, and can produce pleasure.

have you been able to reach orgasm with oral sex? mixed question, because if the guy doesnt have clue, and you dont know what you want, it might never, ever get there. but have you hit orgasm with oral?

have you tried positions where you have more control over pressure and angles? and again, in these positions have you tried self stimulation? if not, why?

please answer some of these questions.

you should also know that sexual therapy can have some great results with people who struggle with sexual dysfuntion issues. really. dont be afraid to talk this out.

as mentioned above, good sex is really in the head. not to diminish the physical aspect at all... good intentions alone dont get it done. at 18 my mind was willing, but the body was clueless. you need balance. a giving, knowledgable lover and open communication.

your body is a vehicle to be used to reach that destination, but your mind in where it is envisioned, experienced, processed, and enjoyed. my partner might love me to death, but if she cannot fully mentally release, it just can't happen.

please post more info.

When you say self stimulate, do you mean touch myself, or feel it in my mind? Well to answer that question either way, no. Sad to say but no I do not self stimulate myself. However, I have had orgasms with only my current lover with oral sex. I was so excited when he made that happen for me. After reading what you had to say, I think that my problem could use some sex therapy. I was sexually abused a few times as a child, and men have always only wanted me for SEX only, so maybe I do tend to clam up when it comes time let go. I do not feel anything pleasurable when "he" or "it" is place at the sides of my labia. I will try to do more positions, but most of the time I tend to be very nervous, and so I let him do most of the performing. How can I break out of being shy without drinking? By the way, I enjoyed reading you information, thanks.

I had a 4 year relationship with a wonderful lady in her early 40's who had been extremely sexually active since her late teens. Her idea was that she would find someone that she could have orgasms with if she were truly in love with them. Well, she confided in me that she never had orgasms unless she masturbated. That was until she and I were together. She was extremely "comfortable" with me and we had a great relationship as friends and lovers. She would ALWAYS reach orgasm when we engaged in any sexual activity. The only problem was, she was NOT in love with me. She would actually get angry and say" That isn't supposed to happen because I don't love you". As much as it bruised my ego, I reveled in the fact that my touch and , I guess , technique , was enough to bring her over the edge.
Maybe, just maybe , the right chemistry hasn't been found yet. It's apparently not physiological because you can achieve orgasm when you masturbate. And , you may just be very apprehensive when you are engaging in sex with a partner because you want it to happen so bad or you have convinced yourself , subconsciously , that you just won't have an orgasm. It takes and understanding partner and someone who is willing to take time to get to know what really gets you there.
As a man, I enjoy having my female partner orgasm even more than having one myself. But then again, I don't consider myself to be the average man. Good Luck.

After reading what you had to say, I think that my problem could use some sex therapy. I was sexually abused a few times as a child, and men have always only wanted me for SEX only, so maybe I do tend to clam up when it comes time let go.
Even if you were having occasional orgasms, the fact that you went through this could mean you'd benefit from talking to someone. Sexual trauma, coupled with later experiences, could certainly be adding to this, and an inability to relax and let go would kill my partners orgasm every time... she needs to be comfortable physically and mentally. Sure a glass of wine might relax her a bit, but so can a hot shower, so can a massage. If your partner can touch you to build up trust and comfort, then perhaps he can later touch you to build up healthy sexual tension, and later sex.

But first, I would not hesitate one moment to talk with a therapist about this. You'll probably walk in unsure and uncomfortable, and you'll walk out glad you went.

Also glad you can reach orgasm with oral. I've said before here, if I had to bring a woman to orgasm, that's the way id feel most likely to get her there. And we tend to follow mental "fingerprints"... where if we have a good experience in bed, repeated experiences like that make each successive one easier to release. There's less anxiety, more trust, more familiarity. Not to say that everyone should do the same thing over and over, but in a situation like this, building trust can be a first step. If oral can get you there, perhaps oral followed by intercourse can? With my partner, this is the "plan" almost all the time.. oral to completion or as a great primer to sensitize her body, and then change stimulation.

I wish you would be willing to self stimulate (yes, I meant masturbation) by yourself and with your partner in you. If you are shy, it can be tough to do. But there are many positions in which my partner would never reach orgasm without some self stim. Its about anatomy... your cl!toris is often away from the stimulation, and hitting that area with a wet finger might do you wonders.

And as for positions, again, be willing to try if you haven't, such as you on top. My partner will not reach orgasm in the missionary position. Period. She likes it well enough but it doesn't get her there, and she doesn't prefer self stim in this position. Point is... if this is all I ever did, sex would feel nice, and never get her to orgasm.

So some of what you are going through is probably tied to "normal" issues many women face. Look at the threads here and you'll see women writing in, never having had an orgasm or struggling to get there. And then some is probably tied to the trauma you went through. Its so easy to let mental blocks get in the way of sex. I really hope you are least try to talk to someone to see if it helps you relax and calm during sex.

Also... read about sex, sensual touch, massage. Just reading about how to give a good massage can get your mind ready to receive it, can make you anticipate the event, and it's a way to connect with your partner if he's willing to educate himself. Massage and sensual touch, in my opinion, are way more important than kissing, necking, and other traditional foreplay "moves". So looking at a book on massage or sensual touch isn't a bad way to start.

I really believe you have great potential to have a better sex life. But you'll need to take control of it and perhaps be active in pushing yourself through the noise so you can really experience intimate touch in a way that you deserve.

Forgot to mention, I'm the husband of a woman who was sexually assaulted as a very young woman, and whose brother was as well. Both have had to address this issue to help them have the lives they desired. My wife did it largely before she met me, through faith, reading about self image, self empowerment, sexual awareness, and some therapy. Not all I said were just nice words to say...

She is a strong woman, but the pattern of things that seem to help her be in the moment are the same things that build up familiarity and trust.