I have an 18yr old stepdaughter that doesn't care about her school work. Won't go anywhere, Stays in her room all of the time, eats junk, never cleans her room, I pay for her to get her hair done and she never does it. Just takes a shower and leaves it wet. She lies to me about school work and about doing chores. She leaves her dirty underwear in her draws and never washes them. When I ask her why she says I don't know? I have tried to take her to a counselor and she won't get out of the car to go. She calls me every name in the book and only is nice when she wants something. The problem is that her father who I just married 3 yrs ago will not back me up. He tells me that I treat her like crap so it is okay for her to do the same to me. Her mother passed away when she was 8 yrs old and she needs help. My husband says that I am the problem. He sees that there are no issues and that I am too hard on her. What?? I am trying to make her be responsible and ready for the big world out there, yet I am made out to be the bad guy. She has only 5 weeks until school ends and was told that if she doesn't graduate that she will have to move out and get a job. She will not even get her drivers license and her dad takes her where ever she needs to go. So why would she? She even has a car in the garage for her. She is just plain lazy and her father has catered to her all her life and now he will not accept the fact that she needs to start acting like an adult.
I have given her job applications and she just throws them away.
I am to my end with this child! She is disrespectful to me when her dad is around and away and he allows her to get away with it. How can I make her move out of my house now that she is 18? If her dad won't back me up am I stuck unless he goes too??

Quit trying to make her responsible. Let her have a messy room with stinky underwear and quite giving her money for things she will not do anyway. All you will do is wreck your relationship with the dad!
When she can't get a boyfriend or anywhere in life maybe it will be motive enough for her to make an effort.
I bet if you try and get her out of your house he does go with her because he is already taking her side all the way around.

Quit trying to make her responsible. Let her have a messy room with stinky underwear and quite giving her money for things she will not do anyway. All you will do is wreck your relationship with the dad!
When she can't get a bf or anywhere in life maybe it will be motive enough for her to make an effort.
I bet if you try and get her out of your house he does go with her because he is already taking her side all the way around.

I have quit giving her money over a month ago. But the stinky room I can't stand it and she is 18 yrs old and should abide by my rules. I went in there an removed all of it. The relationship with dad is on the rocks because of her. So I am just supposed to sit back and let her do whatever she wants? I wish there was a way to legally make her move out. She does absolutley nothing and he supports her and says "She's still a kid".

I would say to just move out, tell your husband that you can not take it anymore. Look at the two of you going to see a councillor together, and bring it up with him. I really think you should separate and make him realize the problem that's there. It does sound like she's a 'daddy's girl'.

She is his child not yours... let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect... no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc... if she does call the cops.

She is his child not yours...let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect...no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc...if she does call the cops.

I have done that and it still doesn't work. I have let him deal with her and the problem is that when he is not around she acts up and then he doesn't support anything that I do. And why should I allow her to do whatever the hell she wants and I pay the bills and let her live in my house supporting her. I really would like to make her leave and have no idea what to do. I asked her to move out and she said "No" I don't have to . My dad still lives here and I can do what I want. He is gone to work and not here just she and I am it is driving me crazy.

It seems to me like you have to let her live her life the way she sees fit and then if she continues to treat you poorly hopefully her dad will realize you 'haven't been the problem' because you backed off. I think you have to decide which is more important him WITH her or tell them bye cause you do not care to live on the rocks any more. I am sure if you make her leave your home he will follow.

I would say to just move out, tell your husband that you can not take it anymore. Look at the two of you going to see a councillor together, and bring it up with him. I really think you should separate and make him realize the problem that's there. It does sound like she's a 'daddy's girl'.
The problem is that the house is mine and we get along except for when it comes to issues with her. I think that he needs to stand up and be a man and tell her where the bear *&^ in the woods! But he just won't do it. So I guess I have to make him leave in order for her to leave. How sad is it that a grown man will let his daughter dictate his relationship. I have been with him for over 3 yrs and she didn't use to act this way until the last 6 months. And I took her to the dr to have a personality test done and they said nothing was wrong. I had her drug tested and found nothing. She is a human home body sponge. She doesn't want to do anything! Maybe she will get sick of being here and eventually leave. But she told me last week that she will do whatever she wants and whatever it takes to break her dad and I up because Daddy will give me money and pay for my hair and my cell phone whenever I want.
She makes my blood boil!!

Remember that your husband has been with her since the day she was born, you are the "intruder" in their lives. There is really nothing you can do to change this situation for the better except divorce.

She is his child not yours...let him deal with her.

But demand that she treats you with respect...no cursing you, screaming at you, hitting etc...if she does call the cops.
Yes that is true. However he tells me that I am to act like her mom and not her friend. So when I do so, I still get slammed> So he gives me the authority to discipline and then takes it away. Because I am too harsh. Harsh is that I get tired of looking and smelling her crap, give her a day to clean it up or its going in the garbage. So the next day I put it in garbage bags and tell her it's gone. Dad even helped me put it in the bags. Then she cries to him and he gets mad at me and tells me I am to harsh?? She feels picked on and my other 2 children from another marriage don't get treated the same way, Well those 2 know better. So I am just stuck because she is running my marriage and I guess there is no way to legally make her leave??

Remember that your husband has been with her since the day she was born, you are the "intruder" in their lives. There is really nothing you can do to change this situation for the better except divorce.
Yes I know and I have loved her as one of my own until she started acting this way horribly the last 6 months. She shouldn't allowed to become in between my marriage.I just think my husband is so blinded by her that he won't see it until it is too late. We have a great relationship except for her.

She is his little girl, and always will be.
She lost her mother at 8 years old, and you were the replacement.
Most kids don't take well to a replacement, no matter what the circumstances are.
If you make him take sides, he will choose hers over yours, naturally.
This is one of the big issues we face when we decide to "date" someone with children.
It rarely works out well, at least not without much patients and effort on the adults part.
I'm sorry, but from the sound of things, this is not going to end well and I guess you need
To decide just how much you are willing to take to be with him, and act on that decision.

Good luck!

You need to confront him that he wants you to discipline her but ties your hands from doing so.
Give him some situations that you and her have already been through (leave out the part of how you handled it) and ask him what would you do?

It seems to me like you have to let her live her life the way she sees fit and then if she continues to treat you poorly hopefully her dad will realize you 'haven't been the problem' because you backed off. I think you have to decide which is more important him WITH her or tell them bye cause you do not care to live on the rocks any more. I am sure if you make her leave your home he will follow.
Yes you are right. However I guess that it is scary because you would think that the norm is that they either move on to college which she won't and then we are left to grow old with our mates.
I guess he can choose to have her live with him for the rest of his life and see how far that gets him in the relationship department down the road.

Exactly! When she leaves him for a guy then he will see that he went down the wrong path and may possibly grow old all alone.

Personally, I would just ignore her. No more money, no more privleges, just pretend she doesn't exist. She wants to break you two up and you are letting her do it. Who's the adult here? Tell hubby that you are done dealing with her, it's up to him now. Tell him that you are going to act like she's not here, otherwise you will end up leaving or kicking them both out. Hopefully she'll realize that she can't get you angry and she will stop. She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Just my opinion.

She is his little girl, and always will be.
She lost her mother at 8 years old, and you were the replacement.
Most kids don't take well to a replacement, no matter what the circumstances are.
If you make him take sides, he will choose hers over yours, naturally.
This is one of the big issues we face when we decide to "date" someone with children.
It rarely works out well, at least not without much patients and effort on the adults part.
I'm sorry, but from the sound of things, this is not going to end well and I guess you need
to decide just how much you are willing to take to be with him, and act on that decision.

Good luck!

Yes she did loose her mother. However he did remarry 6 months after her demise for 7 yrs and then he divorced. However you are correct that I am the replacement. I have told her that I felt my mother and her mother met in heaven and brought her dad and I together.We have gotten along until the last 6 months. I have been with her dad for over 3 yrs. So I am frustrated as to why all of a sudden this is happening. I have 2 kids of my own from a previous marriage and they are 11 and 14 and get along great with him and her. But she can do no wrong in his eyes. I have that instinct with my kids, but if they do wrong they will accept the consequences. Maybe that's because I have raised them that way. She has had no consequences. My husband has always given her everything and thinks that buying her things and sweeping the problems under the rug is the easy fix. Now I am feeling the brunt of that pile of crap. But it's hard to accpet that he is choosing me over her. Thanks for the advice..

You say you have 2 children. Did their father die or was it divorce?

You see when a parent dies many times the living parent tries to make up for the death of the other parent, and sometimes these children become spoiled. Her mother died at 8, most likely he tried to make up for the loss by spoiling her.

You need to confront him that he wants you to discipline her but ties your hands from doing so.
Give him some situations that you and her have already been through (leave out the part of how you handled it) and ask him what would you do?
I have tried to do that and then he is accepting of it. I think that she is just not getting her way and now is using her pull to manipulate the situation. He even tells me that I am too hard on her and so I washed my hands of everything. No taking her anywhere no money no school support no homework support and told her I love you and will be here if there is an emergency but that she needs to rely on her dad for these things. So she did and he doesn't give them to her because he is gone all of the time and now is acting up. So when I confront her dad she turns it around and lies, lies, lies. I have even got her on video lying and he gets upset and say I don't want to hear it and walks away. He is in total denial

exactly! when she leaves him for a guy then he will see that he went down the wrong path and may possibly grow old all alone.
You are correct! However it's hard to divorce again! I just feel if there was some way I could make him wake up then I could save my marriage. But I am having to come the reality that he never will..

He is in denial because he probably doesn't know how to handle her himself.
He has no idea how to handle a hormonal 18 yr female but he does not want to admit to it.
Plus like J_9 said about losing a parent he may feel like she is the only thing to remind him of his deceased wife so babies her.
You and him need a counselor to explain it to him even if she doesn't want to go.

You say you have 2 children. Did their father die or was it divorce?

You see when a parent dies many times the living parent tries to make up for the death of the other parent, and sometimes these children become spoiled. Her mother died at 8, most likely he tried to make up for the loss by spoiling her.

It was from a divorce. Their father and I get along great. His new wife and I are friends and we co parent really well.

I think you are right that he is trying to make up from the other parent dying. Her mom passed away in her sleep from complications from junvenille diabetes. Which we have had our daughter tested and she doesn't have it. I have told her that I am not her mother and want to be her friend. When she would hide pictures of her mother I would find them and have put them in frames and given them to her to put in her room. Even ones of her mom and dad together. I thought I had been in touch with her spirituality needs in this department by not trying to replace her mom. Just to help . I thought we had a lot in common because my mom is gone as well.
But she is way way spoiled. All I have asked is that she just grow up a little. But I think she is scared to even do that.

He is in denial because he probably doesn't know how to handle her himself.
He has no idea how to handle a hormonal 18 yr female but he does not want to admit to it.
Plus like J_9 said about losing a parent he may feel like she is the only thing to remind him of his deceased wife so babies her.
You and him need a counselor to explain it to him even if she doesn't want to go.
Yes he is in denial. And I know he doesn't know how to handle her and handling an 18yr female by yourself being a man would be a hard chore even for a woman.
I have tried to get him to counseling but he refuses to go. He's ex army and feels that this is not an option to solving personal issues.

Personally, I would just ignore her. No more money, no more privleges, just pretend she doesn't exist. She wants to break you two up and you are letting her do it. Who's the adult here? Tell hubby that you are done dealing with her, it's up to him now. Tell him that you are going to act like she's not here, otherwise you will end up leaving or kicking them both out. Hopefully she'll realize that she can't get you angry and she will stop. She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Just my opinion.
I have tried that. It went on for over a month. She was upset because I had Nascar tickets for Vegas in Feb and took everyone else and made her stay home because of her grades an the attitude. She didn't talk to me for over a month and then just started 1 week ago and I was cordial and then she started up again. It's a little hard to be in the same house and have her not clean up after her self and so I am left to do it because I can't stand letting them pile up. Her dad won't make her do anything. Yes she is acting like a child the issue is that she is 18 and needs to get a clue and get the hell out of my business and let me have my relationship with my husband. But I don't think it is going to happen. Thanks for the help. I don't mean to sound rude! I am just hurt.

There really isn't much else you can do. When a kid sees the parents disagreeing they use it to their advantage to manipulate them against each other and they getting what they want.
Especially when it involves a step parent.
She has already told you what she wants --you two to break up so.
So dad has to now be the one to tell her how it is going to be because she will never listen to you. If he doesn't you either have to live with it or tell them goodbye. THEY really haven't left you much options.

Sorry, I did pick that up this time reading through, it's your house. Your right, he should leave, not you.
Did this start when you two got married, or they moved in with you? I agree with J_9, she sees you as someone trying to take her mothers place. That's not your fault! I've heard a lot of stuff about kids reacting this way, but very little of the stories have the 'new' parent trying anything. You are a great mom there, it's just sad that she can't see that.
I think you should get your husband to see a councillor with you and give him a choice, leave the house or try to work it out. If he really loves you, he should give it a try.
You are a great woman, and mom.

She is rude and disrespectful, but your husband is the problem. She is his daughter and he is allowing her to disrespect you and disrupt your marriage.
Instead of worrying about putting her out, you need to have a long talk with your husband and tell him HE needs to do some counseling or figure out what to do, or he and his daughter need to go.

I have tried that. It went on for over a month. She was upset because I had Nascar tickets for Vegas in Feb and took everyone else and made her stay home because of her grades an the attitude. She didnt talk to me for over a month and then just started 1 wk ago and I was cordial and then she started up again. It's alittle hard to be in the same house and have her not clean up after her self and so I am left to do it because I can't stand letting them pile up. Her dad won't make her do anything. Yes she is acting like a child the issue is that she is 18 and needs to get a clue and get the hell out of my business and let me have my relationship with my husband. But I don't think it is going to happen. Thanks for the help. I don't mean to sound rude! I am just hurt.


You weren't rude, I know that you're feeling hurt. It's obvious that you care about her, otherwise I don't think her behaviour would hurt you that much. Have you considered family couselling? That's the only thing I can think of, you've obviously tried to get through to her and your husband to no avail. Maybe it's time to get proffessional help before your family splits apart because of this. Keep your head up and don't give up. I hope things get better.

Take care and Good Luck.

I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I have not been in that situation myself, but I have been the lazy, messy "stepdaughter". I believe that it truly is just a faze. The more you push her, the less motive she will have to do anything. I know that it sounds twisted, but it is what it is. Unfortunaly you are the "bad guy" right now. What I would do if I were you would be to ignore her. She is in fact 18 years old, and from what I get you've only been in her life for a short amount of time. Let yourself grow on her. And when you stop giving the advice, and help that she takes for granted, she will soon realize, and miss. Like I said earlier, I was in that position not to long ago, my motivation to get on my feet and get focused prob won't be the same as hers, but she'll pull through. All good things happen with do time, look at me, Im 21, live on my own, and am a full time college student, as well as a can! You can only guide a horse to the water, you can't make it drink!

The problem is that the house is mine
That's not the problem, that's your solution. Kick 'em all out, until they show the proper respect. I include your so called perfect husband, in this as if he can't be a better dad, and support you, and make a united front, he goes too! Give them a 30 day notice yesterday.

That's not the problem, thats your solution. Kick 'em all out, until they show the proper respect. I include your so called perfect husband, in this as if he can't be a better dad, and support you, and make a united front, he goes too! Give them a 30 day notice yesterday.
You are right on spot again my man.

Does your husband work some other job rather than 9-5? It sounds as if he's gone days at a time or something.

Sit down with Dad and create a written set of rules and make all people living in the house sign it. These are the same rules they've always been - but now they are written down. Also discuss what the punishment is for broken rules - this being made together takes away the "you are being to harsh" statement. If Dad says anything against what you've all come up with, bring out the contract with his signature on it and say "here ya go" - this is what YOU agreed to and the rules all must follow or... happens.

Once she is an adult - you are not obligated to take care of her. However... if you want to kick anyone out of your home - check with the police dept... in Wisconsin, they have to be evicted just like renters - eviction notice, etc. We came VERY close to doing that with my step son... but then he "ran away" on his own... and hasn't lived with us since (not for lack of trying... I refused to have him live with me - if Dad wanted to "help" him, he could go, but MY choice was to never have him live with me as an adult and I could / did make that choice.

Good Luck!

Probably why she changed in the last 6 months like you said is because the magic number 18 is looming very large over the horizon and school is almost over and she knows that means you can legally tell her to vamoose out of your household. How does she feed herself? Do you take her meals to her in her room? Does she sit at the table and glare? Who buys her the junk food? It's basically a clash of wills at this point and you seem to be the one who is caving in right now as you are too uptight about this whole situation. May I suggest totally banishing her to her room - meals included? I am sure this will get very boring after while for her. She is rebelling about having to end school and actually take a stab at growing up. She is scared silly if you ask me and her lashing out at you is quite typical behavior of someone in her situation. She is blaming everything wrong with her on you. The old transferral game as my mother would put it. Just think about this for a moment, please. You may be a normal mom who likes a clean, neat home. She is literally grasping onto her childhood with both hands and doing everything in her power to keep it that way. Take the car away for starters. Keep your hands out of her room and resist the urge to clean it up. She knows just how to push your buttons, honey, I can see that in big neon signs from here. It may be your house but she doesn't give a poop who's house it is. She sounds like she needs some kind of mental health. Try seeing if you can get someone to make a housecall and assess her in her true environment now. The other test was not valid as it was done in some dr's office and I'm sure they had no clue as to just how she really lived and acted.

The exmilitary guy is letting her push him around and he's taking it. He sure has a lot of guilt baggage he's carrying around still from her mom's death. Unfortunately you are the only one suffering in this situation. Making them feel miserable is not going to help things here. This situation will have to play itself out. You might end up alone due to it. If that proves to be the case, so be it. They were not for you. You can only beat yourself up so much and for so long and then your health will suffer from all the stress.

Since she is 18 you may file a formal eviction notice and evict her from your home but that will only cause WWIII with your husband.