OK this fantasy stuff can some one help me with please, I , as you may have read already have so many problems with sex, and its been sugested that I learn to fantasise. Right now comes my problem, what on earth do I do? So I lay back shut my eyes and think? Of what? Hubby? Doing what? What ever it is that hubby has done before has certainly never had any effect on me to remember a damm thing before hand, in fact its been rather uninspiring to say the least.

So here it is , I lay back close my eyes and then all I see is total blackness, nothing ever comes into my head, so how do I change that?

Do you read romance novels? Or erotica? Anything like that?

Is there anything there that makes you even a little excited? That makes your mind wander to wondering how it would feel?

That might be a good place to start.

Dig deep, everyone has fantasies, you just have to discover what they are. We can't tell you what to fantasize about, everyone has different fantasies, what turns me on probably won't do a thing for you and vice versa. You sound like you've already given up, maybe it's time to talk to a counsellor about all of this. That's my opinion.

Do you read romance novels? or erotica? Anything like that?

Is there anything there that makes you even a little excited? That makes your mind wander to wondering how it would feel?

That might be a good place to start.

I don't read anything at all, other than the likes of this, I have tried to read a few books but to be honest I forget before I turn the page what I just read. Excited? Me? Good knows more than I do. I really don't have any ideas at all, I have repeated things to him that have been sugested on the likes of here or elsewhere but the same thing happens every time, nothing at all, I don't even get wet!!

Dig deep, everyone has fantasies, you just have to discover what they are. We can't tell you what to fantasize about, everyone has different fantasies, what turns me on probably won't do a thing for you and vice versa. You sound like you've already given up, maybe it's time to talk to a counsellor about all of this. That's my opinion.

Unless you count that my fantasy is to have sex with the same sensations that everyone else talks about then no I really don't have a single thought regarding it, and I find it so upsetting. To feel nothing every time and just get poked and prodded until he's done with me then off to sleep he goes.

How about a little role playing? Something you saw in a movie that got you excited? Personally I love romantic movies, maybe that's the way to go instead of books.

I dontknow what excited is!! I don't watch TV anyway unless I'm having trouble getting to sleep as that is the best way in 5 seconds flat.
Also I really couldn't act on anything like that, I would just stand there and freeze totally. It scares the living daylights out of me if I was asked to do something such as this in normal life so I'm not doing it in the bedroom willingly

Oh Sweetie, I wish that I could give you an instant fix, I really do. I don't know what to tell you. I don't have the answer, but I do have two ears that listen very well, so if you need to talk, or just vent, I'm here. Maybe if we talk some more we'll come up with a solution, it can't hurt.

Thaks for the offer I might just take you up on that

By the way, you can call me Alty for short, that's what my other friends on this site call me, Altenweg is just way to long. :)

Anytime you need a friend just remember that I'm here and so are many others. There are wonderful caring people on this site, I don't know what I'd do without them, they are all here for you when you need them.

Well I've got to go for now. I hope you're okay, remember we're all here for you. Take care, have a coffee, and smile dear.

Bye for now.

OK... what really catches your attention for starters? Big muscular guys... average looking guys... skinny smooth guys? What sort of acts catch your attention the most... on the table... out in the back yard under the stars? That's a place to find inspiration.

Fantasies can be anything, literally anything. Took a while but wife found what really gets her going... actually she knew for longer than she admitted it but she did finally admit to it. ANd yeah it drives her crazy hot.

Two things really get her going more than other things... one of them she says both repulses her and yet strangely intrigues her. Gay porn... she really enjoys watching bisexual porn, and anything that has a woman wearing a strp-on doing a guy that doesn't invole anything rough or harsh. S&M and any form of domination turns her right off like a light.


Fantasies are just that. Dreams. Most times they will never come true and in some cases you never would want them to.

When you are lying down, play with your nipples and let your thoughts go... do you want a man or a woman giving you pleasure?

That would be a good start for you trying to get in touch with your sexuality...

Best wishes,

The idea of another woman touching me scares me sill why actually, no way would I ever have that happen. Playing with my nipples! What's that meant to do? They don't feel anything even if it was my husband doing it. Oh other than if he bitea them which just plain hurts

Not every woman responds to the same stuff. Some women like it rough, others are turned off by rough. Here's something that you might be able to do. If you have a store near you that rents adault movies go in alone and browse, look at the covers and see if anything strikes your fancy. That would give you ideas beyond what you might think of on your own. That's how wife figured out what gets her really going in a really big way, and she never has trouble getting going in the classic term. If you go alone you feel no pressure. You don't have to rent anything, its sort of like window shopping for new fashions.

I understand what your saying but I could do that on here really couldn't I, by just loking at various types of porn? But that's the trouble I have done that and sit there an look at it, and force myself to look and think "oh right! now what?" it kind of bores me and I feel unispired by any of it at all

Orgless, I really think that so much of your problem is mental. Somehow or another, you have gotten the idea that women should not enjoy sex, and that was ingrained in you for YEARS. Now you're trying to get past that--but it's going to take a good long while to re-train yourself that sex is supposed to be fun.

Your brain doesn't seem to find ANYTHING arousing. When you were first dating him, did you thrill to get a kiss from your husband?Was there ever a point where you were excited by seeing a guy, wondering if you'd get a kiss? THAT is the beginning of desire, the beginning of fantasy.

Short answer is I don't remember anything like that, I remember being pleased to see him and wanted to get out and away from home with him anywhere we could, would that be the same thing?

Not quite the same thing I was thinking, no.

What was at home that you wanted to get away from?

Simply puy my mum and dad and there ways of controlling me the way that they saw fit, for a young lady of 15!! i.e. they wanted me to be there little girl in frilly socks and dresses

Org,

Maybe you should stop tormenting yourself... some people are damaged in youth by their parents and religion, and they are a-sexual... that is, they just don't have sexual urges, th idea of sex is not pleasant. Nothing wrong with that... it was done to them.

Direct your energy to something that makes you happy and is creative like music or art. Find an outlet for yourself that will simply make for happiness. :) Sex brings you misery... let it go... move on to happiness. :)

Best wishes in 2008

Org,

I feel for you, I really do. Have you always felt this way about sex, or was there ever a time when you enjoyed it? I know that I went through a time in my life when sex was just a chore that I had to do, it was shortly after the birth of my son. I had absolutely no sexual desire, this lasted for a year. When I finally started feeling better about it I approached hubby, it was hard, things had been so stressful between us for that year that it felt like we were starting from scratch. We talked allot and that helped, also he was very understanding which also helped. Does your hubby know how you feel?

Remember, any time you want to talk, I'm here, we're here, you have an entire site at your disposal, so use it and talk it through, maybe we can all find a solution.

Take care sweetie.

Sorry if this has been mentioned or asked before. I just don't remember. Have you ever had professional therapy on this topic. If you haven't perhaps its worth a try because what you could gain from it would be well worth it.

Before I would tell you to resign yourself to a life without real enjoyment in that area I would try all avenues available to you first. Hopefully it will be something that can see improvement.

Org,

I feel for you, I really do. Have you always felt this way about sex, or was there ever a time when you enjoyed it? I know that I went through a time in my life when sex was just a chore that I had to do, it was shortly after the birth of my son. I had absolutely no sexual desire, this lasted for a year. When I finally started feeling better about it I approached hubby, it was hard, things had been so stressful between us for that year that it felt like we were starting from scratch. We talked allot and that helped, also he was very understanding which also helped. Does your hubby know how you feel?

Remember, any time you want to talk, I'm here, we're here, you have an entire site at your disposal, so use it and talk it through, maybe we can all find a solution.

Take care sweetie.

I have no idea what there is to enjpoy about sex, it's the only thing that we do such as a cuddle that means we are close, but as for feeling anything else then no it feels of nothing for me, not a thing, its always been this way I have never known any differently. I thought it was totally normal, until we talked about this 3 yrs back when things had been explained better to me. I really feel alien in this body, I feel a disgrace and a let down to be called female, basically I feel a fraud.

As for hubby knowing how I feel he hears me talk, but that's totally differently than for him understanding and listening isn't it? He has nothing ot offer me regarding help, he just hopes that's all that suddenly things will get better just like that with as little effort from him as possible, so far everything that we have ever done to change this situation has been on my doing, its been me doing all the research and book finding etc etc it was me that saw all the doctors, he's attended when required but that's been it, oh I forgot he once saw an advert for zestra that's his only I'm put in al this time, apart from the actual having sex bit, which he gets a lot out of. Guess you can tell I'm upset about it at this time but hey what the hell I will survive I always do.

Yes we have been to sex therapy but she had us doing sensate focus, I hated every last minute of it and I had huge panick attacks as I froze completely when it became my turn to do something to him but only things that interested me, that's how it works apparently, that was meant to happen for a few weeks, months later we had never moved on as this happened every single time and she never listened to a word we told her, eventually we stopped going as it was a waste of time.

I'm so sorry. I really don't know what to tell you. I'm going to do some research and see if I can help you find a solution, but I don't know if I'll find anything worthwhile. Don't give up, sometimes just talking about it helps, and that's why we're here, to listen.

Take care dear.