I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't... much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


... Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/am-doing-nc-what-about-her-161688.html

Same deal. 3.5 years. Break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post... should keep you busy :)

Hang in there. It gets better. I promise.

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/am-doing-nc-what-about-her-161688.html

same deal. 3.5 years. break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post...should keep you busy :)

hang in there. it gets better. I promise.


Thank you so much! You have no idea what a relief it is to see that someone has a very similar story. I felt like no one can relate and poof, here you are.
Do you think things would have gone more smoothly had you cut all ties right off the bat? No communication at all? I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

I did cut all ties... I had a hiccup once... but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.

I know you want to talk to him, and you probably dream of him, and sometimes even FEEL like he's next to you... but I swear... after 2 - 3 weeks, you'll feel SO much better.

There may be a time when he contacts you to "make things better" or "leave on a better note"... but I think what's done is done... only thing left to do is for you to "heal"

As far as the "you'll get over him in a week"... is complete bs.

I feel like I got over my ex relatively quickly (... but I have this tendency to get over people quick... ) as I took about 2 months or so... but there are people that go on for 3 - 4 months... sometimes 7 - 8... sometimes longer.

Just keep yourself busy with your friends during the day. Call those friends you haven't seen in a while to lunch... go out for dinner... movie... whatever.

Pick up a few hobbies like reading a book, writing a novel, listening to music, starting up a TV show... or start volunteering. Just get out there that'll get your mind off him.

As I was completely busy during the day, the nights killed me... so I would come here at night... and just vent/read on these forums, then I'd go for a 3 - 4 mile run... completely wipe myself out, then just pass out. The nights'll be rough... but we'll be here.

Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies... read those.

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

Thank you. I can't believe you were able to so perfectly capture the essence of this breakup and why it is so hard and what is really underlying the issues. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am soooo glad I decided on a whim to come to this site and post my story. Two extremely helpful responses so far and I'm finding huge amounts of comfort in reading other people's stories.

I did cut all ties...I had a hiccup once...but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.
...
Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies...read those.

Thanks again for imparting your wisdom. The good news in this situation is that we didn't have many common friends or activities, so my life is the same day to day, minus him (which was, obviously, a huge chunk of time, thought, emotion and energy) but I know I have my friends. I've been making a major effort to be busy, to stay active, to keep up with activities and exercise and to reach out and call friends.

This weekend, I went out, but of course I was absolutely miserable. I'm still lonely doing all these things, and I feel guilty how selfish I'm being by talking about him and how I feel so much. I'm usually the type of person who keeps things to myself but I don't think that would be helpful.

I miss him terribly, but it's such a comfort that you say it gets better in 2-3 weeks. I mean, not a cure, of course, but it feels like we broke up forever ago (even though it was this week) and it's hard for me to assess how this will go.

I know exactly how you feel... at one point, I was literally counting as the hours went by, and after an hour (which seemed like an eternity... ) I literally celebrated a little... "yay...I lasted another hour..."

It really is better if you just keep yourself busy. I made that fatal mistake at first... I just kept thinking about her, looking at her old pictures, reading the e-mails she sent me... bah.

So glad that's over now. My life now... is MUCH MUCH better.

We were going to graduate, and if we had stayed together a year or two after graduation, I was going to ask her to marry me. We were going to live together after graduation... so with the money I saved up to buy a condo, I bought a motorcycle.

After the breakup, I've lost 20 lbs (20 lbs!! ), started working out religiously, eating right, volunteered a lot, read a few books, started to write a small article here and there which I might put together later on... who knows.

But the huge overall difference I've noticed was that I seem happier on average... I seem to have more fun... I just seem more confident and more energetic. My grades couldn't be better... and just overall, I'm doing better.

I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.
As others have brought out, this is completely natural after a break up, and your not alone there. Its just making that adjustment from being with someone so long that's hard, as we shared a lot of ourselves with those exes. Time and keeping busy, and as Sneeze has said reading the stickies for this forum will help. Just click on the links in my signature to access them, and let us know if they helped, or not. Sorry for your loss, and good luck.

I have a question about seeing the ex for the first time:

We are on a small campus and I will see him sooner or later... I think he went home this weekend because our paths have not crossed. It was a relief to realize that he probably did this, as I was running around campus on the outskirts trying to avoid him.

The good news is that I have run into his housemates and friends repeatedly, and as awkward as that is, they have all seen me out, having fun being social. Even though I'm miserable inside, I'm making an effort to have fun and be busy, so no report back that I'm alone in my room moping. I'm also making an effort to be dressed and well-groomed. So that's a plus.

BUT what to do the first time I see him? Do I say "Hi" or no? I feel like it would bring the hurt on in such a more terrible way if I saw him and he pretended he didn't see me, but I think he might. I'd rather just not see him at all... I keep running over this scenario in my head. Basically, what to do when we eventually cross paths?

I know where you're coming from as I did everything I could not to run into my ex after the breakup... sadly, as you said, you always end up running into each other.

I just said a simple hi... acknowledged the fact that I knew them... then I walked away. There's no need to sit around and chat about your lives... no need to be rude and ignore them. Just say hi. Then walk away. If he starts a conversation, then answer in short simple answers... then walk away.

The other thing that is bothering right now is how awful a weekend I had.
I'm doing the things being suggested: being social, active, busy, healthy. But I'm miserable while doing these things. I know it's only been 5 days so it's a question of misery alone moping destructively vs. misery plus some element of fun or distraction, but I was just so unhappy with the social scene this weekend and wanted to be cuddling and talking with my boyfriend. I know it'll get easier, but right now, I guess I'm confused. I'm not a party person and all my friends have significant others,. I just have to suffer through it and navigate the social scene and not think "Well, if I was with him..." I can't let that be an option in my mind anymore.

Well when I first ran into my ex (after she got a new guy and told me she wouldn't be taking me back), seeing as the ball of communication was in her court, she just walked RIGHT past me, and didn't say anything... but proceeded to call a friend of mine to tell her... saying that I wasn't ready to talk to her anyway.

If you want to talk to the ex... do so... if you don't though, it could be perceived weirdly. Depends really on the feelings involved.

Another question: Every time the doorbell rings, the phone rings, I get an e-mail, I secretly hope it's from him. And then I reassure myself that of course it's not him. Did this happen to you? For how long?

Yep. Every morning, I woke up and checked my phone + email in hopes that it's her.

Went on for a good month or so.

Same here... I still do... still expect her to show up at my door and say she made a mistake by not taking me back...

Friends had to take my cellphone away when we were out... so I could enjoy myself (been at it for 4 months now)

Update: Six days since the break-up; six days of NC. Still haven't run into him.

... Saw some pictures of him on Fbook from this weekend (I know. Bad. I shouldn't look, right?) and he looked kind of miserable. He was at a concert and looked kind of out of it. I know it's OK to see pictures of him when he looks bad, but I'm worried that one day I'll see a picture of him looking good and it'll drive me crazy. So no looking at pictures, right?

Still thinking about him, going over what happened in my head, trying to analyze it, hanging out with friends... missing him and then not missing him, missing him and then not missing him...

Everyone says I'm doing really well. I hope so. I know there's no rushing this healing but I hope I don't prolong it. It sucks.

I just keep reminding myself that I have my life and I have my self-respect. And I try to remember all the bad things that accompanied all those good memories.

Thanks again to everyone who has been helping me out on this forum: to those who post in response to my statements and questions and those who just post in general. I'm getting a lot of support and the feeling that I'm not going through this alone from you all.

I would try not to worry about all of the what ifs regarding running into him. No matter how you practice the scenario, you will not know what to do, say, etc. until you encounter the moment. I would be cordial, but I would not necessarily strike up a conversation if it feels awkward. Don't think that you HAVE to talk to him, but I wouldn't not say hi. Again, be cordial. Fake it until you make it, as that is what everyone has to do to get over something like this. I was once told that in order for something to become a habit, you need to repeat it 28 times. That is where fake it until you make it comes in. Each day that goes by, the easier it is. Each time that you see him, the easier it will be. You can't put a time limit on your grieving. You get over him when you are ready to get over him. Yes, definitely keep yourself busy. It will get better and this too shall pass.

Dear Everyone,

Again, thank you all for the support, reassurance and advice you've offered this week. It means so much to me.

The break-up was a week ago tonight so I thought I'd take some time to reflect. Don't feel guilty if you don't read it. It's long, I know. This writing is mainly for me and if you're interested, that's great. I bolded the big points of the day.

I feel like this week was about getting through the week (the best I can, yes, but more importantly just getting through it).

Since the break-up, I have experienced denial, grief, anger, fear, overwhelming loneliness and a lot of confusion.
At the same time, as bad as it's been, I have experienced an unbelievable feeling of support provided by friends and family. I checked my phone to assess how social I've been since the breakup, and I have placed 60 calls since Thursday night (on average 15 calls a day). While that may not be a lot for some of you, my “recent calls” list used to read “Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan…” and now I'm socializing with and talking to all the friends I'd been less invested in than I could be. Since last Tuesday, I've made every effort to reach out and stay busy. I've been aggressive about eating meals with people, talking to people, reconnecting. I find that I'm happier when in the presence of other people (but not when my roommates are with their significant others. They're all wonderful people but I feel like I've got open wounds right now and I know that my jealousy/loneliness will eventually fade away. Right now it's just bitterness) .

I never realized how much TIME I have. I am an extremely busy person, but now that Evan is out of my life, I've found so much more time for socialization and in addition, I've found myself alone a lot, doing things I always do: exercising, cooking and studying. It was extremely hard to do these things for the first four days but I made myself do them and I'm glad. No moping. Doing all these things, being social, going out, I am thinking about Evan a lot of the time. I'm not going to lie. It can be fun and therapeutic, it can take my mind off what's going on, but for a lot of the time, I've been there in body, not in mind. The weekend was extremely, extremely rough and I haven't had a good night's sleep. I also am just getting over a cold that I got after the break-up…

I still haven't seen him (AH), but I did see the two pictures of him from the weekend in which he looked miserable. And my roommate saw him on campus today. He basically saw her from a distance and veered off his path to avoid her without acknowledging her. Social skills were never Evan's forte so this isn't an utter surprise, but it strikes me as a contrast that I've run into Evan's housemates multiple times and we exchange smiles and “hi'”s and they always see me out with other people. But Evan is too scared to even look my housemate in the eye. This made me realize that he's probably afraid of what we're saying about him and made me wonder what he thinks I'm thinking. This also made me dread seeing him: He's going to pretend he doesn't see me and its going to hurt.

Things I could have done better this week:
-I should have looked at his Facebook/searched him online less
-I should have probably done more writing
-I should NOT have let myself listen to any songs that are "triggers" (but after 3.5 years, almost every song is a trigger)
-I should have slept better (but I tried)

Things I'm proud of/did well this week:
-I have not contacted him
-I got a great job interview
-I have made plans to get out of town this weekend and see my best friend from home in a city I love
-I have eaten healthy
-I have not missed a class
-I went to two friends' recitals
-I went to an art exhibition
-I took a photography walk
-I submitted some photos to an art show
-I got outside
-I cleaned my room, rearranged some things and dumped all reminders of him from my room
-I did my usual volunteer work and academic work
-I was social (I even studied in a group, which I'd normally never do)
-I did all my awesome extracurriculars (most of which involve comedy and laughing)
-I tried something new (a playwriting group_
-I have not abused alcohol or drugs (a half-glass of red wine with a Tylenol was my one “oops” moment in an effort to ease back pain…and mental pain)
-I applied for jobs

…Today, I ripped down a poster advertising a concert in which his band is playing at school. I know that it was lame lame lame to rip down the poster, but it wasn't out of anger; I just didn't want to see it when I crossed its path everyday. That experience DID make me excited for the anger phase of this breakup! I can't wait to be mad! Way more fun than being depressed!

I know that I can't rush this process so I'm trying to approach it as healthily as I can to not prolong it. Just do it and do it right so I don't have to live like this for longer than I have to.

This week, I hope to:
-join a yoga class
-stop myself when I think it's him when the phone calls/doorbell rings/e-mail box opens
-ace my job interview
-have fun over the weekend away from town
-keep up my exercise and eating well
-sleep better
-start reading NOVELS (whoa! How long has it been?)
-stop looking at his Facebook
-stop darting my head around whenever I'm on campus in the hope/fear that I'll see him
-stay social
-make some goals for myself
-do more job applications
-buy some nice running shoes or something that makes me feel good that isn't a huge investment but motivates me to be happy and healthy[/B]

Good for you!! You are doing a lot better than most people at this point.

You are making wonderful progress in such a short period, especially with the fact that you were dating him for that length of time. I don't want to scare you, but don't be surpirsed if you happen to take a few steps backwards every once in a while. This happens to EVERYONE. Just when you think that you are making progress, you might find yourself falling into old habits or thoughts. This is completely normal and should not frighten you. Acknowledge your feelings and why you might be feeling them and then continue to move forward. Writing down your thoughts when this happens is a wonderful way to get through this.

One thing that I did after my divorce was to write a letter to my ex in which I wrote down everything that I was feeling, everything that I was angry about, and my reactions, etc. to everything that he had done during our marriage and during the divorce process. I DID NOT send this letter to him, but instead burned it. While this letter was burning, I closed my eyes and felt and inner peace flow through me. It was very cathartic.

Isneezefunny - I think that it would be helpful if you could post the thread link so that others can gain access to it. I have already done this exercise, so I personally don't need it, but maybe someone else might. I tried accessing it by doing a search, but I came up with nothing.

Just a thought, as this simple (maybe not so simple for some people - depending upon the stage you are at) exercise is definitely worth trying. It was very helpful for me!!

I think I'll do the letter-writing when I'm feeling down (probably tonight or sooner. The waves are somewhat predictable right now). It sounds extremely cathartic.

Also,. wow... the tension I'm experiencing between enjoying flirting with other guys, feeling like I'm letting go of Evan and worrying that I'm going to jump into something despite my best intentions.

Since the break up, this one guy has been flirting with me and I'm not at all interested so it's made me feel uncomfortable and I'm trying to be clear with him.

Today, I was eating lunch with my friend and this guy sitting next to us chimed in, which started a long, funny conversation. I think I could detect that he was interested.

NOT THAT I'M JUMPING INTO ANYTHING. NOT THAT I NEED A MAN'S VALIDATION. Oh lord no, it's been eight days. But it felt good and it reminded me that there are other guys out there. Still focusing on me and not someone else. Not going to get mixed up with someone else right now. But it was nice.

I've been reading the past few posts on this thread and I know exactly what you're going through. For me it's been 2 and half weeks since he broke up w/ me (feels like yesterday) and 11 days of NC. Here's my story if interested:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/trying-nc-but-want-let-him-know-something-199307.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/thought-doing-so-well-200826.html

So far Ive been all over the place. Some days I feel so strong. I think up all these goals for my life and things I plan to do in the summer. Then I hit really low days where I just cry and remember times we had together and I just keep wishing for him to come back. I keep hoping that he feels so miserable now. I've deleted myspace altogether and I removed him as a friend on Facebook. His pages are still public but I'm being good about not going there. I did this for the same reason you pointed out... I don't want to see him happy or having a good time which is what I'll most likely see if I go there.

I feel the same way you guys do. Each time I get a missed call or a text I hope that maybe it's him. Each time I hear a car go down the street I look out the window, even though I know it's not him... yet I still look. Every time. Whenver I'm driving and see a car that looks like his I check to see if it's him. Twice this week I really thought I saw him and both times they were near my house.

I've been having dreams about him each night. Its always the same thing too. We're finally face-to-face again talking after the break up. Sometimes he's apologizing for his actions and other times he's just kind of rude to me. Or a lot of times we're about to talk but I always wake up before we do.

During the day I dream up stuff in my head - like he's w/ his new girl and he suddenly realizes how young and obnoxious she is and he thinks of me and feels horrible about what he did and he realizes that he wants me back. Or I have hopes that one day I'll wake up and see that he left me a voicemail during the night... telling me that he made a mistake. And I'll just keep ignoring him until one day he'll do something extravegent to somehow prove his love to me... like in those romantic comedies. Why are movies made that way? That never happens in real life.

Monday and Tuesday I felt horrible, but today I felt better. I've been thinking of him most of the morning at work, but I haven't been crying or feeling down. I know it's bad to dream and hope that these things could actually happen one day. I just need to try and focus on other things to distract myself. Maybe a walk or something.

This isn't going to be easy for us, but we'll get through it. Yesterday I actually had the urge to check out his myspace, but I came on here instead and urge left me.

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancée disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I'm going to have to find that post on here... lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all... but for what its worth... you will be OK. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancee disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I"m going to have to find that post on here...lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all.... but for what its worth... you will be ok. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential.... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful.. . Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

In response to Mom of 2, you are right about guys being able to sense a girl who's kind of broken after a relationship. I hadn't thought of that so I will definitely keep it in mind. Thanks.

Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful. ...Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

Oh, you're welcome!

Here, my pearl metaphor... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/im-love-but-im-not-dummy-169263-5.html

Its post #42 on this thread...

I love wearing pearls because this is what it means to me... :)

Enjoy.

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!! We continued to see each other for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off of things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!!! We continued to see eachother for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that that happened and that you had to deal with that when you were going through a divorce. I hope that people learn from it. It seems like that guy had his planned all figured out. Very scary.

It's not that I'm looking to date right now, but in terms of navigating the social scene, Evan was an extremely nice guy and I trusted him completely. He was the only guy I've been with, so I know that I may not be as good at detecting the signs as other girls are and I have to keep my guard up.

I don't want to scare you in anyway, just be cautious and know that there are some people out there with ulterior motives. Not everyone is like that though.

I have met a lot of great people who I would not have otherwise encountered had I still been married. 90% of the people have turned out to be awesome and I am so glad that they are in my life. Have fun, as you are still so young and you have a lot of living to do. Knowing that you had a chance to love is a great thing. Don't think that you will not have that ability again. Yes, be cautious, but don't let this experience harden your heart. I sense that you have a fantastic and loving soul.

I hope everything works out well with you. I know it will because from what I read of your posts, you have a good head on your shoulders. You are finding out what it is that you want and what you will not tolerate. Life is a learning experience.

I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

Thanks so so so so much for your kind words and for reading my sometimes rambling, oftentimes self-centered thoughts. People have been giving me great advice but it's always nice to get some more when everyone seems to be helping you do the right thing. The more consensus, the better. :) To go on this site and get support and assurance that I did the right thing and that now, despite my feelings of sadness, I am actually doing OK given the circumstances... it's amazing.

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide... and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well,. what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide...and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well, ... what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

I think what you did was perfectly normal. You haven't seen him since the break-up, after all.

Yeah, it sucks when the one that did the 'breaking up' pulls the liberation move. You should do the same, and it will be just be another step in getting through this. Go get yourself a new haircut, go on a shopping spree and buy something crazy,. just do something that is just for you!

Good Luck to you! :)

Starbuck's right. Perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her... and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths... except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing... I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts... right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate... ), I bought a gsx-r.. . yep. That's mine.

Go get your liberation on.

starbuck's right. perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her...and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths...except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing...I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts...right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate...), I bought a gsx-r. ...yep. that's mine.

go get your liberation on.

Hehehe, Campus Ninja's. :D Congrats on losing the weight by the way!

I have yet to run into my ex. It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up and I haven't seen him since that week. I know that I would do the same thing though: duck and weave. I guess if it's obvious that we see each other maybe I'll wave or just sort of smile and nod in acknowledgement. I would only talk if he makes the first move. He would most likely ignore me though if he ever saw me.
Im glad we don't work together or go to school together. We don't even live that close so the chances of bumping into each other are slim. The thought of seeing him just terrifies me.

All right. Right now I'm feeling like the most absolute s--t. ugh, crying and then staring and then crying... break ups rule! I don't know why more people don't do them.

I feel awwwwwwwwful.

Awww, I know that feeling. It's not fun at all! Unfortunately there's no way around it. I know that doesn't help you much, but try and put on some upbeat music that doesn't remind you of him... if you can find any.

Keep on writing away if you want. B*#ch away, cry, scream, whatever you have do to. There is always someone around to listen. :)

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.

Thank you so much. So much. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I did find out that he didn't shave, which for some reason made me feel better.

I wish I could focus on myself right now. I know that that would be healthy. But it's hard to switch off the mode of being so concerned about someone else.

I look forward to tomorrow when I am going to a city I love to be with a friend I love. I am going to be busy, get a haircut, go shopping, talk to people and be around someone who has always been there for me. And then I have a job interview while I'm there. I know that that'll be good for me. I am already dreading coming back.

Yesterday and today have been HARD. Last night, I tried to talk to my mom when I was feeling terrible, but despite her best efforts, what she was saying made me worse. "What did you think was going to happen?" "You should've seen this coming."
But last night I was walking back from my friend's recital, which made me cry and feel awful: beautiful music is the worst.
Anyway, walking home, I was feeling like and ran into my friend who was walking the other way. He sat down with me and let me cry and he gave me the support I needed at that moment. Then, I came home, and my housemate was up doing work and despite all that she has going on, took the time to talk with me.
This morning, I woke up early and got breakfast with the friend I saw last night and another friend. I am realizing now that friends are amazing. Despite all this crap and the loneliness and sadness and heartbreak weighing down on me, I am seeing that I am really blessed.

That is what friends are for. If they are true friends, they will allow you to vent and just listen. Sounds like you have a wonderful support system, which is what you need at this moment.

Continue to cry, as this can be very theraputic. Take what ever advice that they may give you that you feel is appropriate and helpful and leave the rest at the door. You know what you need and what you don't.

Take one day at a time, because that is all that you most likely can handle right now. Live in the moment and try to avoid the what if's. This is easier said than done. I sometimes find myself playing this game and it is so unproductive.

Continue to count the blessings that you have. I don't know if you like country music or not, but there is a song by Rascal Flatts that I always put on whenever I feel those down moments and it is very liberating. It is called "Stand". One of the verses goes:

Cuz when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend until you break
Cuz that's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand

Imagine me, a mom of 2 in my minivan with the stereo blaring and the windows down, singing loud and proud without a care in the world about who hears me. It is quite funny, and yes, liberating. This is such an empowering song.

Have a great time in the city. You deserve it!!

Stand is one of my favorites as well... an AMAZING song for an AMAZING woman. I was actually listening to it this morning on my way to work. :) YouTube - Rascal Flatts - Stand (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8zWb0-pCbQ)

You ARE incredibly blessed, Jami, dear. Always remind yourself of that. You will make it. You will be stronger because of it.

Oh lord.

Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so minuscule compared to the enormity of the break up.

I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.

I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.

Oh lord.

Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so miniscule compared to the enormity of the break up.

I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.

I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.


That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyway.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing... that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.

Like you said... it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but I still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".

Everything is going to be all right.

That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyways.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing....that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.

Like you said...it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but i still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".

Everything is gonna be all right.

When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.

When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.


Well, tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since the break up. I still can't believe it, it doesn't even feel like any time has passed. The improvements are small. Very small, but it's still something. I can't really say when they started. I just look back at the thinking I've done over the last 3 weeks and figure I must be heading somewhere. Sometimes this thinking makes me feel stronger, and other times it makes me feel so much worse. Maybe I would go a day w/out crying, but then completely break down at some random moment the next. Any time I feel any little spark of happiness... even if it's just for a brief moment... I see it as an improvement. Even if the next hour or two are spent crying or feeling depressed. It makes getting over this seem possible, even if I still have a long way to go.

One thing that's helping me a little is planning. I look at this month and the following and I'm trying to plan stuff for the weekends. I got tickets to some Indians games, a couple of concerts, and a trip over to Cedar Point in May. Sadly I didn't plan anything for this weekend :(

I've been able to get my mind off Evan for a bit in the city with my friend. It's been up and down. I don't have time for a real update, but I am definitely hurting. I'm having dreams where he either tries to get back together with me or I screw up getting back together with him every night. It's really painful. I wake up and feel so alone and sad. On the other hand, I got a haircut and bought some new clothes and it's nice to meet new people.

Breaking up is never easy on anyone. You will get over it when you allow yourself the time to grieve and to get over it. You can't put a time on it. Even if you were the person to do the breaking up, you would still feel a sense a loss. Maybe if you were the one who initiated the breakup it would be a little different, but there would still be a sense of loss that you feel. Don't fall into the trap of comparing how long it took you to get over someone to another person who is going through a breakup. Everyone is an individual and everyone has their own thoughts and feelings and ways of doing things. You will get over your breakup in your own way and in your own time. People may give you advice on what you can do to get over a bad relationship, but only you can ultimately decide what you are going to do, when you are going to do it and how long it will take to be able to move on.

You will feel good on some days and bad on some days. Even if you were not suffering from a breakup, you would still have good days and bad days. If you did not have any bad days, how would you know if you were having a good day?

An exercise that I still do to this day is to FORCE myself to think of at least two positive things that have happened to me every day. It could be something mundane such as having the time to put all of the laundry away or dusting all of the furniture. OR it could be something monumental such as getting praise at work for a job well done, getting a raise, promotion, or the fact that the sun was shining and you had 5 minutes to enjoy it, etc. Whenever something brings you even a second of happiness, this is a positive moment. These are blessings and each one should be counted. When I see that I have positive things, then this brings me positive thoughts. Yeah, it would be nice to be in a relationship and be able to share these special moments with that special someone, but don't let that stop you from telling someone. You should not give someone the POWER to take away any positive moment from you just because that person is no longer in your life. Give this power to yourself, not someone else. You have every right to feel positive about yourself. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship to share these positive moments. If you are not in a relationship, then share these moments with a close girlfriend or a family member. Be proud of yourself!!

Jamimama, whether you realize it or not, you are doing well. It has only been 2 weeks and it is probably going to take a lot longer to get over than that. Don't force a time constraint on yourself, as this will cause further stress on yourself if you do not meet that timeline.

I'm glad that you had a fun time in the city. Enjoy your new look and try to stay positive. You will get over these hurt feelings.

Update:

It's a beautiful day out so everyone was sitting outside in this one particular area in the center of campus. My friend asked if I wanted to go there to find one of her friends to sit outside for a while. So we went and as we were walking from one side of the grassy area to the other, I was telling a story and not engaged in what was going on. We stopped at the far end to look for her friend and I saw Evan, sitting with two friends. My stomach sank. He had seen me. I had passed him. I am trying to avoid him completely because I feel absolutely awful when I see him. Like crying and screaming and throwing up and all good things. But at least he saw me being social and looking good (I was wearing a very confidence-boosting dress) if he had to see me at all. So we went sort of at a diagonal... back up and around him and I talked to my friend Jon. After I did this, Evan waited a while and then he put on his shoes. He walked out of his way to avoid passing me, up this little hill and down again.
So he walks for a while with his friend, clearly avoiding me, and then I see Evan and his friend doing something behind a tree. Evan's friend is staring at me. And then I realize that there's someone behind the tree that Evan is talking to. Evan, who is not a very social person, is trying to pretend that he is flirting with this girl. He's smiling and trying to act all cool. But soon the girl goes to leave when a GUY comes and picked her up. This girl had a boyfriend and Evan was just hoping to make me jealous by flirting with someone and pretending to look happy.

I was wondering why his friend was staring at me to see if I had a reaction!

This all made me feel pretty frustrated: This is a boy who two weeks ago I was in love with and now he's trying to play games with me. I was upset so I talked to my mom who reassured me that he is acting childish and he is hurt and that regardless of what he does, I need to move on and realize that I made an autonomous decision to not let him string me along. I stood by him through a lot, I was patient with him, I was kind to him, and now he's playing games.

I did plan on saying “Hi” to him when I walked by him (this was the first time I actually saw him in public) so I was upset that it was in a situation where I couldn't say “Hi” and confront my fear. I will next time, I hope.

My mom is such a help in these situations. And I'm glad that I got custody over the grassy public area. I doubt he'll be going back there anytime soon if he couldn't stand to sit there with me around for five minutes.

Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.

And by the way, if you are thinking that there might be a chance to get back with him, think about how immature he is acting right now. Do you really want to have a future with an immature person like this?

Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.

Thank you! I didn't go up to see what was going on but was watching from far away where I was sitting. I think it's funny that he was trying to make me jealous but all he did was make me realize that he acts like an idiot and is incredibly childish.

And I agree. Whether I say hi to him or not is no big deal. Right now I need to heal. Break-ups are so weird because there's the rational mind telling me how to go about life and the emotional/hormonal side that's going nuts. Luckily, the rational side will win out eventually! And it's great to be snapped back into it by my mom and people like you!

Today was much better. I feel like going through experiences like that, where I either see him or he acts like an idiot (or both), it solidifies my feelings of acceptance and moving on a little bit more.

It also helps that I'm busy right now and social and making a huge effort to do new things.

Of course it has only been 17 days but my friends say they see a major improvement in me from a week ago and I feel it too. I still think about him a lot but it's in a different way. Not constantly sad. It still stings and it still sucks.

Seeing him was the worst. Also bad: I feel lonely when I want to call him or know we'd be doing something fun. And I want to share good news with him and lie in bed with him and talk. I know it's going to be hard for a while, but I think I've done well so far.

Things I'm enjoying:
Setting my own schedule, all my free time, feeling liberated to make choices that only concern myself, meeting new people, making spontaneous plans, finding support in other people and myself, thinking up goals without limitations, flirting with guys and trying new things.

I couldn't agree with you more!! You ARE doing great. Just remember that the next time that you enter into a relationship, don't stop doing what you are doing right now. You should have your own life even when you are in a relationship, otherwise you could become resentful. It sounds like you had lost yourself for awhile when you were in that relationship. Don't EVER forget who you are.

I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing Jami. I really knew right from the start that you would make it through all of this, and be a stronger person. I got that vibe from you right away! :)

It looks like Mom of 2 has been giving you some very good advice, and comfort! She's got your back!

I can't wait to hear how well you are doing, once you have had time to go through all of the things you need to in order to move forward.

I'm pulling for you big time! ;)

Once again,. Best of Luck to you! I know you will come out of this on the positive side, and a great guy will be thankful that he met you!

:)

No gifts necessary... just a big group hug! :)

Now, get out there and flaunt your stuff girl! It'll look good on you! ;)

I know I'm doing well but I really missed tonight in a pained way. I went dancing with my friends and had an awesome time. It was great. But as the night wore on and people were coupling and going home, I started to feel awful. And I know that it's OK. But it's still hard. The weekend nights are proving to be particularly rough. I need to stop checking his Facebook. He made it so that I can't see anything about him except his college year, but he's friends with my pets who have Facebook accounts (laugh if you want. It's silly) and he made his info unavailable to one of my pets but forgot to do that for the other. So I could see that he was blocking me from his information. The thing was, he wasn't hiding anything. It doesn't even say "single." It was either to make me question or to protect me from a potential future "single" status. I blocked him from my wall last week. I KNOW that it doesn't matter. I KNOW that all this is stupid, yet right now it's affecting me. It's really frustrating.

Oh lord... I wish I could sleep.

I also need to voice a secret irrational concern because it will make me feel better to get it off my chest: Right now, I know that he misses me and is doing things to leave me guessing and try to make me feel jealous. I know that. And it helps to know that. To know that he's not dealing with this that maturely and that he's struggling with his feelings for me. But I'm concerned that he'll start dating or having sex with someone soon and I'll see them together and all these efforts he's making to appear happy will suddenly be real. I know that he shouldn't be the focus of my attention and that I should be the focus of my attention, but it's still hard. There's just a lot on my mind right now. I need to stop focusing on "what ifs" and my concern over what he does. I need to really concentrate all my focus away from him.

Everything you're feeling and thinking is SO NORMAL! I really empathize with you. I went through all of this myself, and even though the circumstances were totally different, I was with my ex for yrs. and then one day it came crashing down like a skyscraper!

It is hard enough just to imagine what he might do, and 100 times harder when the reality of it hits. It really sucks! And when it happens you feel like you're back at day one. I tried to stay away from the places my ex hung out at, but I know that's hard for you since you are both in the same school.

I wish I had some magic words for you hun. All I can say is it does get better. Sometimes it does take a really long time, depending on the circumstances, but the hurt lessens a little more everyday. Well, it does to an extent. Some days can be really bad, I know.

Do you want company? I'm here and wide awake if you want to talk, OK?

You can send me a PM or an email too if you don't want to talk it out publicly ;)

Wow, I didn't read through all 6 pages (Sorry, I'm a little tired) but EVEN just reading your posts on the 1st and 2nd pages, and seeing this I think everybody could agree that you are doing much better than expected. Hell, you're doing a lot better then I did when I broke up with an ex of mine.

You learn to take life's lessons and make yourself a better person. You're young and there 7 BILLION people in the world, and believe me there is somebody that you deserve waiting for you to find them. Don't let some childish, selfish guy get in the way of finding the true love of your life.

I remember, I was with this girl for like... 6-7 months, and after having a few year long relationships I had learned how to deal with it. I remember this breakup so well because it makes me laugh. Picture this

I'm sitting in my room, playing Halo 2 (Xbox Video game for some that don't know) on xbox live and my buddy is staying the night. The girlfriend calls me and tells me she wants to break up, I simply say "Okay, cool. I'm sorry that we didn't work out and that I hope she sleeps well" it was like 2 in the morning and she was a co-worker of mine (my stupid mistake) I hang up and my buddy says "what was that all about?" I tell him she broke up with me and he says "you look upset." I turn to him, say that I'm upset because I just lost the lead in scores because of her and we both laugh.

Come to find out she lied about breaking up, because she wanted to date ANOTHER co-worker (who had a 2 year relationship and told her that the girl was his sister LOL) And now even though we don't talk very much, we're cool with each other. And she was SO pissed when she came up to me at work (Ironically I worked at Starbucks for a few years) and asked if I wanted to get some food after work and I told her I can't because I have plans with my new girlfriend (who I've been with now for over 2 years... with some bumps in the road) and she realized that she messed up a relationship with a great guy (go ahead, call me arrogant ;] I know I'm good haha!)

The moral of the story here is that good things happen to good people, you may see this as a bad situation, but try to look at it from a better perspective. You're FREE now to do what makes you happy, to meet new EXCITING people without gettin' drama from your boyfriend. You and I are both young (I'm a sophomore in college) we shouldn't be worrying about who we're spending our lives with and marriage and all that.

Now, get out there because the world is yours for the taking!

P.S. I'm going to give my AIM screen name out here for anybody to message me, I trust that it won't be used for spam and all of that. Calithugshwshank, I know it's a weird screen name, my buddy decided that screen name for me

Kevin

That was a great answer and a fun read Kevin. All of us here know that Jami is a great girl, and someone is going to snatch her up before she knows it! He will be a more mature guy and will treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

We're all here to get you through the tough times hun!

Also, Jami? The late nights and weekends will be the toughest for you for awhile. It is hard to see all of your friends coupling up at the end of the night, and feeling the dread of going home with your own thoughts of missing him and being lonely. It's so heartbreaking, and hard to get through.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it will be a better and easier day for you. I know how hard it is hun, but try and stay off his FB. It's probably a good thing that you can't read what he's up to. It would only set you back. And no, it's not silly for your pets to have their own page... mine does! She has a myspace page too, and she gets more messages than I do for crying out loud! ;) I guess (natural) blondes DO have more fun, :D

I hope you can get a restful sleep. Cry when you need to, but smile and laugh every chance you get! ;)

Again, thank you all! Starbuck, I will definitely take you up on your offer of a PM sometime soon.

A weird thing about the timing of this break-up is that I'm witnessing a lot of similar break-ups (people at my college who have been together forever suddenly realize that it won't work after graduation and split up) and then I see the guys in these relationships run off to have sex with new girls pretty soon after. It's just really odd to witness. I wonder if anyone else has witnessed a similar phenomenon of a guy jumping right back into sex after a long-term relationship.

I think I serve as proof of "What does not kill you makes you stronger." Last year, I lived abroad for five months. That was a really hard time. I was struggling to adjust, Evan broke up with me, I let myself be strung along, and I was wallowing a lot. Most significantly, my mom was diagnosed with a very bad chronic illness during month three of my time away. Having gone through the shocks of those things a year ago while isolated abroad, I feel so much better-equipped to deal with what life throws at me. If this happened a year ago, I don't think I'd be equipped to handle this nearly as well as I am now. I have so much more perspective and I really want to enjoy life.

I'm excited to enjoy single life. I'm enjoying life but not the "single" aspect yet. It's also a weird time because at the end of the school year, people are hooking up with random people or holding on to their mates while they still can. So it's an intense environment. I've had so many fun times this week and I've had so many moments of not thinking about him. The sad times are definitely getting fewer and farther between. I'm coming out of my haze and I'm realizing that I would really be limiting my new life by being in a relationship with him after graduating.

Still, it sucks to see him. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.

Yep. My ex. 3.5 years. 2 weeks after we break up, she's into another relationship.

Single life is AWESOME though, isn't it? I haven't been single in 8 years... so this is good for me.

I know what you mean about people breaking up, as I have 3 weeks until graduation and I see people breaking up left and right... it's one of those "s*it or get off the pot" moments, I guess.

It's the three-week anniversary of my singledom. I don't necessarily feel worlds better than I did a week ago. Maybe week one was the big progress in healing and now it's smaller steps. I'm a bit frustrated with healing: all the thinking, sadness, loneliness, questioning: I wish it would all go away so I could enjoy myself fully. I am being active, positive and social and I am considering the break up and relationship objectively. I'm going out and having fun, not obsessing over him constantly (but when I am thinking to myself or discussing someone else's relationship, yes, my thoughts are always him-related). It's not impossible. I'm finding ways to have fun. But it's still hard.

In a way it feels like it's been three weeks and sometimes it feels like it's been three days. I can't believe that a week from now it'll be a month.

I'm also occupied with the idea that about a month from now I will be graduating and may never see him again, and this is someone I loved for a long time so it's scary that I'm not enjoying the last amount of time I'd have with this person. I know it's irrational but it's true. The alternative, of course, if we hadn't broken up would be a month of sadness and confusion because we'd be going our separate ways so soon. This is healthier.

Running around between commitments today, I thought to myself "I don't have time for a boyfriend." I'm so busy these days, I know I'd be missing out on everything if I were tied down. Meanwhile, I would still love to lie in bed and talk to him or go with him to a movie or fall asleep next to him or go on a hike or hear his laugh. As cheesy as that is.

I'm also extremely amused by how rude/cold his friends are being to me. I didn't do anything yet they look at me with such scorn because they see me out with friends.

Anyway,

Le sigh.

I made it three weeks. Kind of surreal.

You are going through so many normal feelings. The breakup is still so new for you. The reason that his friends are looking at you with scornful looks is that you are doing the exact opposite of what they expect you to be doing. They want to see you miserable and not being able to function. You are proving them wrong and they don't like it. The best revenge is showing that you are moving on.

Keep up all that you are doing. Yes, there will be some days where you will feel on top of the world, while other days, you will feel that you are sinking deeper and deeper. Acknowldege those feelings, but don't dwell on them. If you did not feel the hurt, that means that you are not healing.

The want and need to feel loved and held are completely normal. Just know that you are not the first and you are not the last one to go through a breakup. Keep posting your thoughts and talking to your friends. We have your back, as we have all been there. We have gotten through these feelings and you will too.

Jami hun, there is no set time limit, and everything you feel is sooo completely normal. There is nothing irrational or cheesy about how you think or feel. It is what it is! You were with him for a long time, and of course you are going to miss that.

Heck, I was with my ex for a long time and although there were totally different circumstances where there was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse,. I still miss the old him, and the good in him. (although that man went away, and was replaced with someone I don't recognise) We have been split up for 18 months now, and there are still nights that I really miss sleeping beside him, hearing him laugh, the smell when he got out of the shower after work, and so on.

I think if you DIDN'T have those feelings then that may be something to worry about. It's hard when you love someone, and it turns out you may never have known them at all.

Don't ever appologize for the way you are feeling! They are your feelings, and you are entitled to them, no matter what.

Just keep thinking in your mind, that this was a part of your life that you will look back on and be glad you learned the lessons that you did. Get up and throw that Grad Hat as high as you can girl, and think about all you have to look forward to! ;)

Keep on talking out your thoughts and feelings to us, but I am going to have to insist that you tell us how great Grad Day was... and maaayybe even send some PM's with some pics of your celebration k?

Take care dear girl! This too shall pass! ;)

Starbuck and Mom of 2, I need to "spread the rep" before agreeing with your posts, but WOW. Thank you! Starbuck's words brought tears to my eyes!

Starbuck and Mom of 2, I need to "spread the rep" before agreeing with your posts, but WOW. Thank you! Starbuck's words brought tears to my eyes!

Anytime girl, and I'm sure I speak for Mom of 2 also. We're here if you need to talk! Chin up! ;)

Starbuck8 is right. We are here for you. We totally understand what you are going through.

In addition to posting here, I would also recommend keeping a journal to help you work through your feelings and thoughts. I use journaling as a way for me to see how far I have come. After journaling for a while, when you feel that you are not progressing, you can go back and read your entries to see the improvements that have been made.

I'd like to vent about what happened tonight:

I went out with a group of friends and at the end of the night, a friend who has definitely had an awkward crush on me for a while tried to kiss me. It made me feel grossed out - I am still trying to let go of my strong feelings for Evan and I found that move inappropriate - but I also felt sad for this guy because I know he's going to have his heart broken too. From me.
Isn't it weird how you can get your heart broken and turn around and do it to someone else?

This is why I am able to enjoy my relationships with my gay friends much more than my relationships with straight male friends: there isn't this added weirdness.

Also, all my friends in relationships are driving me crazy! It's part my circumstance, but more importantly, they're all obsessing over their SOs now that there's little school left.

Just had to vent.

I saw him again on that public campus area. And I felt like s--t so I finished my Scrabble game, left... cried on the phone to my mom and went home.

I feel like absolute s--t.

Here sweetie... watch this... it's 80's and cheesy, but I love it :)

YouTube - Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out For A Hero - TOTP 1985 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN6F7M15YdE&feature=related)

Don't settle for anything less... :D

just some words...
I thought I'd make another random post on here. I had a little urge to check his Facebook so I thought I'd come here instead. I've been good, it's been over a week since I last looked at it. I guess I only want to go there to see if maybe, just maybe, he broke up w/ that girl. I know I shouldn't even care. It's been a month since he broke up with me. Seeing where I am now I could tell I've improved a lot. I don't think I've cried at all this past week or the week before that. I've been feeling good about other things going on in my life. I still think about him all the time though. And all the dreams I have w/ him are sort of annoying. It's kind of like "get out of my head so I could just move on and live my life!!!" I think I sadly still have this tiny hope that maybe one day I'll see he called or left me an email. It's weird, I don't really want him back anymore but I guess I just want to talk to him again. Just to end things better maybe. Maybe I just want him to feel guilty or sorry.

Last night I went to see an advanced screening of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'. It made me laugh which made me feel a lot better. I recommend it for everyone on here struggling through break ups. It sucked though because the theater was next to this pizza place my ex and I used to eat at all the time. And to get there I had to basically go the same route I did to go see him. Memories came into my head but I just let them go and didn't let them get me down. I think I was more scared of maybe running into him, lol.

Hopefully by this time next month I'll be even better. I hate when I do start thinking about him and it makes me sad. The weather is getting so nice here and I just keep remembering how the two of us couldn't wait for spring and summer so we could do all these things we had planned. Sometimes when I think of him w/ her I get jealous and it just makes me sick. Like I said, I don't really want him back anymore, but I wish he wasn't w/ her. It's like... pick some other girl, just not her. It just seems so sad to me... he's 26 and wanted to start settling down in life and he leaves me for some 18 year old punk who's main objective in life is to party hard every night. I guess I just have to remember that people change. And just because somebody wants something at one point in their life doesn't mean they'll still want it five months later.
Sorry for my rambeling.

Here's something for you Jami! Try not to feel like s--t. You'll be OK hun! :)

YouTube - You've Got A Friend---carole King,Celine,Gloria,Shania (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6r1175w_lM&feature=related)

just some words....
I thought I'd make another random post on here. I had a little urge to check his facebook so I thought I'd come here instead. I've been good, it's been over a week since I last looked at it. I guess i only want to go there to see if maybe, just maybe, he broke up w/ that girl. I know i shouldn't even care. It's been a month since he broke up with me. Seeing where I am now I could tell I've improved a lot. I don't think I've cried at all this past week or the week before that. I've been feeling good about other things going on in my life. I still think about him all the time though. And all the dreams i have w/ him are sort of annoying. It's kind of like "get out of my head so I could just move on and live my life!!!" I think I sadly still have this tiny hope that maybe one day I'll see he called or left me an email. It's weird, I don't really want him back anymore but i guess I just want to talk to him again. Just to end things better maybe. Maybe I just want him to feel guilty or sorry.

Last night i went to see an advanced screening of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'. It made me laugh which made me feel a lot better. I recommend it for everyone on here struggling through break ups. It sucked though b/c the theater was next to this pizza place my ex and I used to eat at all the time. and to get there I had to basically go the same route I did to go see him. Memories came into my head but i just let them go and didn't let them get me down. I think I was more scared of maybe running into him, lol.

Hopefully by this time next month I'll be even better. I hate when i do start thinking about him and it makes me sad. The weather is getting so nice here and i just keep remembering how the two of us couldn't wait for spring and summer so we could do all these things we had planned. Sometimes when i think of him w/ her i get jealous and it just makes me sick. Like i said, i don't really want him back anymore, but i wish he wasnt w/ her. it's like...pick some other girl, just not her. it just seems so sad to me...he's 26 and wanted to start settling down in life and he leaves me for some 18 year old punk who's main objective in life is to party hard every night. I guess i just have to remember that people change. And just because somebody wants something at one point in their life doesn't mean they'll still want it five months later.
Sorry for my rambeling.

We are here for you too Chameleon! I know you are posting because you can relate to Jamimama, but have you posted your own thread so the two of these are separate? It's hard when there's a piggyback. We all want to be here for you too, but it's easier if it's on your own thread. ;)

Lol, sorry about that. I did feel weird posting it on here. I think I meant to do it on mine but then I get sort of lost on all the threads. I'll remember that for next time.

I am extremely overwhelmed. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist as soon as health services opens...

Today I saw him and he occupied my thoughts... I tried to be social and go out and do things but it was nearly impossible. Then, at 11pm, I was getting extremely frustrated with all this tension I was experiencing and the fact that all my friends were busy, so I went for a run outside - the gym was closed - which was extremely therapeutic. I know that that's really dangerous and I don't plan to make a habit of late-night runs, but I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I had to escape.

I went out with my friends and they dragged me to a party that was in the house next to his. Of course I didn't want to go and when I went, I saw Evan through the window getting food from his fridge. So I left and went to go hang out with some other people. Not healthy to be looking at Evan through his window... Only bad can come of this. I couldn't be there. After wandering around trying to find a party or somewhere fun to go without success, my two girl friends and I set out for a party a couple blocks away and...

...out of the darkness, this drunk, long-haired scraggly guy stumbles toward us and then abruptly turns left and walks away. My friends nudged me. I didn't even realize it was Evan. He looked extremely wasted and gross. I said "Hi Evan" and he didn't acknowledge it. He just (barely) kept walking with his head down, his step extremely unbalanced.

I find drunkenness extremely unattractive and I'm not a drinker so Evan and I didn't drink together except on maybe two occasions which were fun (and maybe a bad sign if I liked my boyfriend more when he was drunk?) but he would drink on weekend nights when we weren't hanging out... and of course smoke pot every night we weren't together. Anyway...

After today when he seemed to be relatively happy, he seemed to be a mess tonight. He's definitely come out of hiding and my friends and I are seeing him a lot more. It's making it so hard to get over him and start a new life when he's constantly around and I see him all the time. I wish he'd go away. Or I wish I could just graduate now. Or that I could go on a vacation. I'm sick of this school and Evan and these feelings. I wish they'd just stop. I wish I could stop this constant running background music when I'm trying to do other things.

I am worried that I'm completely boring and concerning my friends with what I'm going through. I am worried that I may be obsessed and that things are getting harder. But maybe 1) I am coping and the worse I feel now the better because it means I am coming to terms with this break-up and I am not in denial or 2) the more he hurts me post-break-up, the easier it is to stop romanticizing him and our relationship. If he's acting like such a jerk right now, what does that say about him?

Ugh. I maybe should take pride in the fact that I was out with friends sober trying to make the most of what's left of college while he's stumbling around looking awful, but I know that it could just as easily be that he's with another girl, and either way, I need to focus on me. Not him. It's just awful.

That sucks Jami! It's too bad that you have to keep on running into him like that all of the time. Well you know, on second thought, maybe not. It might help you to put an end to another chapter in the book of Jami. I know it's tough on you though. Believe me hun, I have been there more than once, and each time I thought I would never get over it. I once sat in a dark room, curtains closed, doors locked, listening to depressing songs, (and every single one would remind me of him) for 3 weeks in a row. I didn't eat and hardly slept. Then one day I "woke up" and looked at myself and said... is he really worth all of this?. conclusion... nope! ;)

Just try and keep your focus on graduation day, and all of the other good things that are out there waiting for you! :) One day soon you will be out somewhere and you'll see that guy that makes you say... Evan who?

Hang in there Jami! You'll get through it girl! :)

That sucks Jami!! It's too bad that you have to keep on running into him like that all of the time. Well you know, on second thought, maybe not. It might help you to put an end to another chapter in the book of Jami. I know it's tough on you though. Believe me hun, I have been there more than once, and each time I thought I would never get over it. I once sat in a dark room, curtains closed, doors locked, listening to depressing songs, (and every single one would remind me of him) for 3 weeks in a row. I didn't eat and hardly slept. Then one day I "woke up" and looked at myself and said...is he really worth all of this?...conclusion...nope!! ;)

Just try and keep your focus on graduation day, and all of the other good things that are out there waiting for you!! :) One day soon you will be out somewhere and you'll see that guy that makes you say...Evan who?

Hang in there Jami!! You'll get through it girl!! :)

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I have to keep reminding myself that seeing him in such an unflattering light in which he demonstrates that he can't be civil and oftentimes looks completely childish (if not drunk) helps me stop romanticizing him and our relationship.

It helps so much to know that you've been through this and made it out OK. I am having trouble finding people to relate to. My mom can give good advice but is disappointed that I'm still in this state. I know she wants the best for me and it's frustrating to see me stuck on Evan, but I wish I could change it too.

I'm not sure how to improve on what I've been doing to cope best: the things I've thought about are going to see a therapist and being all Oprah and making some goals for self-fulfillment for myself.

I know that Mom's can be like that Jami. They weren't there, nor were your friends, to understand how your relationship felt to you. You are the only one who had the inside scoop on that. Don't let anyone set a time limit for you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't make yourself get out there and set goals, but only you will know when all of it sits right in your head.

I think a therapist is a good idea. It will help to talk to someone that is unbiased, and just knows YOU, not Evan and you as a couple.

When I was going through the break up blues, it was the things that I learned about myself that freaked me out the most. Especially when it was me doing the mind tricks on myself, and not her, she was just doing what she does, and I was reading it like some romance novel, I was my own drama king, and tried to put it on her. But when I stopped the games with myself and focused on ME, I worried about her a lot less. Sometimes being in certain places, or catching glimpses of them, triggers those old emotions, and feeling, and overwhelm our senses for a moment. I had to learn to physically bring the focus back to the present, and do something else besides think. It got easier the more I did it. Believe it or not EXERCISE, is a good physical outlet, and at parties, dancing. Yep anything that changes your focus, even combing your hair, is a good thing. Back then I had the most polished shoes of anyone.

I've had a good day today so far: I did things I wanted, which included spending time outdoors with friends, going on a bike ride and going for a jog with a friend, doing some fun extracurriculars and going to dinner with another friend. I was able to take my mind off him a lot. BUT of course I saw him from a distance and two friends mentioned that they had seen him in my area and those sightings completely set me off course. I am excited to see a therapist and I'm feeling a little better today, but the constant presence he has in my environment is driving me nuts.

I am jokingly/honestly considering not going out tonight. As much as I want to have fun, this is a very small campus and now that he's out and about, I know I'll see him or be in a place surrounded by his friends who remind me of him despite my best interest to avoid. I'd ideally find some friends to dance with and a place to dance. Dancing is the best medicine.

That other guy who tried to kiss me apparently has extremely strong feelings and remains unfazed by my heartbreak in pursuing me. My friends keep telling him that now is not the time and that I'm in a manic, crazy place: I am focusing on me and can't handle a relationship, but he's not relenting.

Things to focus on:
1. the nice weather and being outside as much as possible
2. acing my classes
3. finding a job (applying for fifty in the process)
4. working through my feelings and keeping lists (lists are very therapeutic)
5. exercise
6. my friends who have been so amazingly supportive this whole time.

It wouldn't be a real day if I didn't see Evan.

... I was doing fine, feeling great, and then I saw him again today.
It's 4/20 (for those of you unfamiliar, lots of marijuana-smoking and strange behavior on college campuses like mine) so he was out playing frisbee and presumably getting high. I was there to take in the enjoy the spectacle as an observer and to see friends.

I am so much better off when he doesn't exist.

We both saw each-other from a slight distance but again didn't say hi. But at least this time he didn't try to make me jealous. And eventually, I left. It feels to weird to be around him.

Earlier, I set a date in my head of May 1 as the day I would go up to him and say "Hi. I want to know if you want to be friends after all this" or something along those lines. The more I see him, the longer this goes on, the more I talk to people who have broken NC and barely lived to tell about it, the more I realize that this idea is not necessarily a good one.

I'm also quite terrified by some of the questions on this forum of "It's been two years and I'm still not over my ex." Right now, people are telling me it's going to get better and that I'll move on, but right now I can't imagine feeling completely like myself again and the posts of such long drawn out withdrawals are scary to say the least.

I'm sorry Jami. All I can say is I know how you feel... and so do so many other people on here. But it's personal to you, just like it is to the rest of us. I know you think in your head... but our relationship was different! It's really hard when you're the only one who knows all of the intimate details, and you think that nobody quite understands just how much it hurts you personally.

Try and think of this as a very hard final exam Jami. Evan is giving you the test, and you are going to go through all of your past notes, go through all of the practice exercises, and your goal is to pass the test with flying colors! Think of it as something else you can add to your lifes resume, and when the resume looks right to you, you will go out there with so much more experience and the knowledge you need to find someone that will hand in the perfect resume to you too.

I know that might have sounded a bit corny, but setting a goal to say hi to him on May 1, isn't the goal you should be setting hun. That will only set you back. Sometimes ex's can be friends, but not in this type of situation, and definitely not until you are truly over him.
Otherwise, it really IS just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

What could that possibly accomplish? One of two things. He will say Hi back, and it will give you a glimmer of hope, or he can totally blow you off, and then you are right back at day one. I know it sucks, but it's the reality of it.

Try and stay away from places on campus that you know he likes to go. It's not fair, but unless you want to have that sick feeling in your stomach all of the time, it's what you have to do. I know that sometimes it's unavoidable for you sometimes, but just think, Grad is coming soon. Try to think of that as a new beginning for you.

I sure wish I would've listened to my own advice YEARS ago! ;)

You will never be completely like your old self. As you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

You will never be completely like your old self. as you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

I have to spread the rep but this is life-changing insight. Seriously. This is the way I should be looking at this.

Warning: I know this is long and it's really for me to reflect on the fact that it's been a month since the break-up more than I need advice. Skip this rambling if you like and I couldn't possibly be less offended. Four weeks. Whoa, I can't believe it was a month ago. It's unbelievable. I made it a month NC and I'm here to say that so can anyone else. But I've only done 1 day of not checking his Facebook. My goal right now is to do a week and then hopefully, eventually, that will become a month, etc.

I have to say, it's definitely gotten easier. There hasn't been a particular arc or line of progress, but I'm definitely better. I think seeing him and moments of reality setting in have really pushed me forward. Staying busy, active and social - and trying to find growth in loss - is all you can do. There are no shortcuts. Just ways to make it not worse.

It's been easier the last couple of days when I've been busy and active, hard when I've been alone, hard when I fixate on him, extremely hard when I've seen him.

And I tend to come on this board when I'm bored, confused or upset or when I've seen him, so these posts don't reflect the amount of progress I've made and the general amount of happiness and socializing I've been engaging in. At the same time, it's still extremely hard.

Clearly, there are hard days and hard moments and lots of manic moments, but I now realize that you have to take it a day at a time.

I really like Tal's and Starbuck's advice of reframing the way I look at this process of the break-up (and all their other wise words of coures). It's very Tao: I can't change the fact of the break-up but I can change the way I approach it and feel about it. First of all, I can't hope for "old Jami" back. I am going to get new, improved, wiser Jami and I can't force her progress. She will develop. Secondly, this is a test. Of strength, endurance and independence. And I want to come out on top.

People say that we have to rationalize bad things in our lives to cope as if it's a bad thing. No, it's psychology and survival. It's a good thing. If we didn't find the good in the bad, if we couldn't find ways to make our lives better when things aren't going well, we'd all be sullen, awful people stuck in the past. We have to understand and see the positive.

The more I reflect, the more I pick up on the warning signs that he wanted to end things and signs that this would happen. I also look back and while it's easy to focus on the amazing parts of our relationship, I have to consider some bad parts as well. I am beginning to reflect on how I am in relationships and in this one in particular. I invested a lot in my relationship with Evan: I cut out a lot of friends and gave him a great deal of my time and energy. More than he gave me. And I realize that Evan's negative words about my friends rubbed off on me and I became very judgmental and closed off from many relationships. His opinions affected me a lot. And now I am seeing one of my friends cut off her friends for her boyfriend and I see her going down my path. I see how much it hurts those around her without her even realizing it. And I am looking at all the free time I have these days and while it was amazing to fill the hours with Evan going on adventures, biking, having fun or just hanging out, I am now trying to learn to enjoy time alone.

I've also realized that I can be attractive to guys and flirting can be fun.

I still miss Evan but it's not the longing, mopey, "I want him back" sort of missing him. It's a less attached missing him and there's a bit of a frustration/anger underneath as opposed to a "woe is me."

I have a month left of school and I am having terrible anxieties about graduating since I have no job and no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing. And part of me wishes I had this month to spend with Evan. But the alternative to my single, lonely confused life right now is so awful: in all alternative situations, Evan and I would be spending all our time together because we'd be apart after graduation and I'd be missing out on lots of experiences at the end of college. Either 1) Evan and I would have stayed together if I didn't know about him wanting to break up with me and I'd be in for an awful surprise come graduation day or 2) I would've stayed with him despite knowing that he'd want to end it with me and I'd be depressed/sad/clingly/convinced I could make him stay and I'd have lost my dignity. Given that I couldn't change Evan's feelings about wanting to separate, those are the two alternatives to my independence. And I think that this is the better option for me. And even if Evan had wanted to stay with me, it would have been great and fun and comfortable, but I'd still have the anxieties about making it through his time abroad and our future together and I'd have major doubts. I'd also probably be pulling away or not enjoying my time here because I'd be clinging to him.

You amaze me with your words all the time my girl. You know yourself very well, and I absolutely believe with all of my heart that you will come out of this just fine, and even better for having gone through this.

You called me wise, but I hope you take your experiences and use them a lot more wisely than I ever did. And actually, I would bet the house on that one! I'm behind you 100% and you know that!

From reading your words, it seems your realising there is much for you to do for your own happiness. That's great, and will lead to positive productive action, in your own behalf.

Sorry I have been away for about a week. It is great to see that you have accomplished so much in a week's time. You may not see it, but it is there. Whether you realize it, you are growing and learning. You are making progress.

I agree about the "making a goal to say hi". That is not a good idea. It is apparent that you cannot be friends otherwise this would have happened already (I think you realize that now).

Reframing your thoughts is very therapeutic and necessary. I must say that although you should not keep revisiting the places where he will be, I would not walk out of your way to entirely avoid them either. If you do that, you are really putting a lot of energy in avoiding, wich will ultimately MAKE you think about him more. Who knows, maybe one day you will walk past a place where you guys used to hang out together and then suddenly realize it after you pass by.

Keep doing what you are doing, because you are making progress and doing great!!

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

Remember, it is all about little steps.

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

It makes you feel so much better not to check it. I realize that when I look at my ex's Facebook or find out something going on his life... it just gives me more things to think about. You don't want that. Just remember... you don't want to know what he's up to because you don't care. You need to have your mind set on your life right now.
And if you do feel the urge to go there... just ask yourself "why am I doing this? What do I want to see?" Go to a different website, or just shut down your computer. Sometimes when I felt the urge to check his page I would call up my sister or a friend... we'd start talking for awhile and by the time I got off the phone I wouldn't feel the urge anymore because I would have other things on my mind.

That is great advice Chameleon. There are only so many thoughts that you mind can hold at any one time. If you make sure that they are full of thoughts that are not about him, then you will find that you will not think about him.

Sorry I have been absent. I thought things were going well, but now I'm confused.

To update you, on Thursday I kissed a very nice boy (one I mentioned earlier in this thread) and although I did not intend to get involved with him, all weekend he went out of his way to contact me and see me. He's fun and funny and sweet. Tonight, he came over and asked why I wasn't kissing him. I told him I was unclear of what his agenda was or what he was doing. He said that he doesn't believe in monogamy nor does he strive for it. He said that the only girls he's dated he's known for a long time in advance and we are just getting to know each other. And he's kissing another girl who has an open relationship with a boyfriend abroad.

I respect that he was honest with me and am a bit confused about the situation. I think he's a nice guy and it's fun to hang out with him, but I'm used to being in a serious, monogamous relationship and knowing that he's with another girl would most likely drive me nuts. Even as an activity partner/cuddle buddy, this could get emotionally messy. It's not a very physical thing we have going, it's very emotional and datey, we're not hook-up buddies. He says that he wants to get to know me. And at the same time, there's only a month left of school. It's probably not wise to expect monogamy with anyone anyway. Everything will end soon. So... yeah... not sure how to work this out...

Oh lord...

And at the same time, there's only a month left of school.
Your wise to see it for what it is. But having fun is what getting ready for the summer, and school to end is all about. Don't do anything to make you feel bad, to the contrary, enjoy the folks you meet.

Yeah, this guy is upfront with you, which is a good thing. However, it sounds to me like he is a player and he expects you to be one too. If this is not in your character, then I would say don't change that. You are going to do what you are going to do no matter what anyone tells you. The point where you are at right now is a very vulnerable and delicate point. It IS nice to have someone there who you can cuddle with, etc. but don't compromise yourself because of a possible fear of being alone. You WILL find someone. Don't rush that and feel that you may be missing out. First impressions are important and if you feel that you are finding out something's about a person early on that you don't like, then take that as a blessing that you are not wasting time and move on.

Keep going out there and having fun, but don't compromise your standards because you think other people think that you should. I don't want to say that all guys are like this, but there are some out there who are only interested in one thing and once that chase is over, then they go onto the next "victim". They think that they can get away with it because of the fact that they were upfront and honest in the beginning, but that is just a cop out.

Just be careful.

Wow, it's been so long since I posted here. All your advice helped me immensely so my absence is a good thing! I've been dealing with some huge anxieties about graduation (officially occurring this Sunday) but I've been using this time to work on myself, to build on my friendships, to enjoy my friends and classes and the last bit of college.

I got accepted to a couple of cool opportunities and my finals went really well.

I've also been dating a guy who is sweet and great. I wasn't looking for the ultimate great love and he's not. So no worries. No pressure. It' just someone I like spending time with and going to senior events with (yes the non-monogomist but we talked it through and we aren't seeing other people). Since I was only exposed to one guy all through college, it's nice to be exposed to another. A lot of the things I really like about him make me realize that Evan had a lot of growing up to do.

So that brings me to today... I got a phone call from a number that isn't in my phone so I ignored it. Then I realized that that area code was Evan's area code. And that I don't have other friends, job opportunities or contacts in that area. So I'm assuming that Evan called me today. I can't find his number anywhere online (I deleted it after the breakup to make certain I wouldn't call him sobbing one night.) so I'm not 100% positive that it's him but I'm 99%.

I shouldn't call him back, right? No message. Just wait for him to call me again? I'm assuming if he did call, it was either 1) in error or 2) to catch up and say good bye before graduation.

They will call back. If not..?

Hi Jami, I'm glad your finals went well for you, and you have some cool opps! Don't get too into Mr. Non-manogamous guy! That is a recipe for rebound disaster!

Just wait and see if you get a call from that # again. Although, I don't think after him seeing you on campus for all of this time, and not saying a word, that he deserves for you to pick up... if it is him. It's up to you if you want to, but I think it will only bring back the feelings and hurt that was so raw before.

Take care girl! I think you're doing pretty damn good! :)

I would definitely not waste anytime in trying to figure out if it was your ex who called or not. Don't bother trying to look up his number, etc. as this borders on obsession and you have come SOOOO far to go back to that. If he calls again, which he may or may not, only you can decide at that moment whether you pick up the phone. For some people, they need this kind of thing for closure, for others, this could result in falling back several steps. You have proven to yourself that you can go on without him.

Good luck in your future. Keep us posted if anything major happens, whether good or bad.

I love the historianchick post, I recently split up with my boyfriend of 15 months. But he has been involved in my life for nearly two years, we went to the same high school and he was a charmer, attractive centre of attention kind of lad, I lost my virginity to him and he has been the only person I have slept with. Although he had 2 previous sexual partners, one of the being his first serious girlfriend, who he had been with for a long time. I always had issues about her although soon, I realised he loved me and we shared the happiest moments together but unfortunately 8 months into the relationship I discovered he had cheated on me with a girl from my high school, it was humiliating I was distraught and hurt beyond words, but we did get back together. I forgived him. The problem was I couldn't forget, I was very insecure and he was convinced I would pay him back. Anyway in the end we split up again in the February, in that week I discovered he'd actually also slept with two other girls. It was the most heart breaking feeling, it literally felt as though my heart was aching. Yet after 4 weeks of being apart, I forgave him again, it sounds awfully naïve and I'm a level headded person I am currently doing a levels and have aspirations but love makes you do crazy things. After 4 months though I have realised things will never change he will always cheat and although he loves me he does not respect me, and it is so heartbreaking.

Can I just say I really like the advice on this site, I think its great, I have friends and my mum, but sometimes its nice to speak to peiople who understand and are going through similar experiences. I'm just scared I'm going to go back I don't know how to stay strong! Anyway, I do believe that everybody can do something if they out their minds to it. Thanks xxx

Hi Ladada,

I'm sorry you got involved with a cheater. Been there, done that, (more than once) and never want to go there again. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's too bad this boy had to be one of them for you. The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour, so you are well to be rid of him. You are right in saying that he didn't respect you, but he didn't truly love you either. When you truly love someone, you will do anything to protect them from hurt. He didn't do that. He betrayed you in the worst way possible. He destroyed your trust, and that is a hard thing to recover from.

With that said, I'm really sorry that you're first experience had to be one with a boy like this. I know it hurts. Never blame yourself, or play the "what if" game. That is a useless game to play, and it chips away at yourself esteem. Give yourself the time you need to mourn the relationship, and then move on. Get out with friends, get involved in activities that you enjoy. The best revenge, is being confidant with yourself and living well. Every GOOD man is attracted to a confidant and interesting woman.

(and... Jamie girl, we haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope everything is good with you)

Thankyou Starbuck (: your right, he can't have truly loved me if he cheated, although he's proved it in other ways ultimately if I wasn't good enough for him too be with me and solely me, it was his call and deep down he didn't respect and care like he said he did and always would, the reason its harder is because its my first serious relationship and love. Can anyone remember how they got through theirs?

I'm just looking on the site and I find it great how people are actually getting stronger, but I don't see it happening to me! I split up with him on Sunday night, and we haven't spoke since Monday. Although we wanted to be friends, do you think it will be better if we don't talk? I know its early days, one day irl look back and think hang on, why did I even forgive him? But the weekends are hardest, because its hard to predict where they are going to be and who they are with! I've been told by a friend today that he's already texting some girls, it was hard to hear, but I actually feel really proud of myself because I'm not ringing him demanding to know why!

Also I have met a lot of people through him, I built a huge social circle, luckily I have not deserted my original friends, and they are great, but its hard when you're a public couple who people thrive of hearing gossip about! I'm delving myself into my studies, but I really can't stop thinking about him, but I'm adamant too not go back.

Anyway jamimama, I think you've done great! You was with him for 3 and a half years and so far you're an inspiration to me and how I'm feeling, hope you post something soon.

Thanks everyone (:

You're welcome ladada. Have you gone to any of the "sticky's" under "relationships" There are 4 of them there, and you might want to read a few, or all of them. It just might help you a bit also, when you get into a rough spot.

I can tell you how I got through mine, but I'm not sure it is the best advice. It was a very long time ago, but for some reason it worked for me. It was a little pathetic actually, lol. I'm not recommending that you do this, just thought I would tell you. This was when I was in my early 20's. I was married, and he left, with another woman.

I locked myself in my home, closed all of the curtains, unplugged my phone, got out all of my fave comfort foods, (and I must admit, several bottles of wine) grabbed every song that ever reminded me of him, got out all of the pics of us together, and literally sat in my jammies for 3 weeks, and cryed and cryed, and cryed somemore.

After the 3 weeks were over, I put all of the pics and things that reminded me of him in a box, and gave them to a friend to put in safe keeping, just in case yrs from then I wanted to reminice. I called my best friend, and told her we needed to have a girls day out shopping, getting our hair done, the works... and then we went out and partied till we dropped. I had half of the guys in the club asking me to dance, and it actually felt good to turn half of them down! Then I called my other g/f's or guy friends too, and made sure I had one of them to keep me company, when I needed to get my mind off "him."

I'm not saying it still wasn't hard after that, but the more I got out and did other things, the easier it got, day by day. Then probably the best thing I ever did, was I packed up everything I ever owned, and moved to a different city. I didn't know a soul, and it was a little scary, but it turned out to be one of the best times in my life!

To be quite honest, if I passed him on the street today, I'm not so sure I would even recognise him, although I just got that box of mine back just recently, and the pictures and the songs were just a very nice memory.

It will take you awhile, but I'm sure you'll get through it just fine! :)

(wow, sorry, I didn't realise how long that was... lol)

You and a lot of people posting on here are such inspirations to me. I was actually reading all these stupid things like, "how to get your ex back", when really I should be concentrating on me. I tried to go through with the no contact then I realised I was doing it because I wanted the result to be me getting back with my ex, and that's so wrong, it should be so I can move on. I know why I want to be with him, it's an easy solution to this misery, he made me happy and kept me occupied (and I obviously love him) so in my mind that versus all this pain and misery and feeling sick to move on just doesn't compare. But reading everything on here has made me realise I need to MOVE ON. I just wish it wasn't so hard. :(

I totally understand where you are coming from. I too want to see my ex but at the same time want to avoid her like the plague.

You and a lot of people posting on here are such inspirations to me. I was actually reading all these stupid things like, "how to get your ex back", when really I should be concentrating on me. I tried to go through with the no contact then I realised I was doing it because I wanted the end result to be me getting back with my ex, and thats so wrong, it should be so I can move on. I know why I want to be with him, it's an easy solution to this misery, he made me happy and kept me occupied (and I obviously love him) so in my mind that versus all this pain and misery and feeling sick to move on just doesn't compare. But reading everything on here has made me realise I need to MOVE ON. I just wish it wasn't so hard. :(


I also used to read all those "How to get your ex back things." Ahh never again. I totally empathise with what you wrote.

Wow starbuck! I'm sorry to hear you had too go through that :( I'm going to try the NC thing now.. last night I was awful because I was drunk and it was my first weekend without him in a long time... so I failed! But today I'm determined although I think its hard.. yes I read those stickys! They were great I'm going to buy a calender tomorrow. I have a girly holiday too look forward too, and I'm hoping that will distract me.

And boris the blade its unbelievably hard! I think it will take a long time, but slowly it has to get better? I totally agree with relaising your only with them because you don't like life without them.. and you can't bear them too be with somebody else! But that just proves you are not ultimately happy and that relationship will never work. Keep us informed on your progress as well!

Xxx

Wow starbuck! im sorry to hear u had too go through that :( im going to try the NC thing now.. last night i was awful because i was drunk and it was my first weekend without him in a long time... so i failed! but today im determined although i think its hard.. yes i read those stickys! they were great im going to buy a calender tommorow. i have a girly holiday too look forward too, and im hoping that will distract me.

and boris the blade its unbelievably hard! i think it will take a long time, but slowly it has to get better? i totally agree with relaising your only with them becuase you dont like life without them.. and u can't bear them too be with somebody else! but that just proves you are not ultimately happy and that relationship will never work. keep us informed on your progress aswell!

xxx

Don't beat yourself up over your minor setback. It happens! Just pick yourself up the best you can, shake yourself off, and try and remember that it will get better. Tell yourself that HE is the loser in this deal, not YOU! Hopefully sooner than later, you can look back on your relationship, when you find someone that is good to you, and say to yourself... "lesson learned", and it happened, to teach me something about myself and about relationships. :) Keep us updated.