I think I may get too attached to guys at the beginning of relationships. I was single for about a year, and feeling really independent. About a month ago I met this new guy and we started hanging out every day. We've started spending most nights and free time together. I think about him all the time, and just always want to be with him. Is this a normal feeling when a new relationship starts?
The problem is, he's leaving for grad school after this semester. We will never be anywhere near each other again unless we make plans to see each other. He says he really likes me, and I really like him too. My friends have told me to just enjoy the 2 months we have left together, but part of me doesn't want to keep getting more and more attached. I don't know what to do... any suggestions?

There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving them. Being in love is similar to taking a drug. Not a bad thing, really, it's a good drug. But if being in love with him is hampering your ability to be OK with yourself, you may be addicted to the feeling. Learn about the difference between these two states: Loving a person, and being in love with a person.

Your enjoying things now, and your having fun, and don't want that to stop. I hear you! All good things must end though, and reality is calling.

I met this guy at college a little over 3 months ago. We really hit it off and hung out just about every day and night for the 3 months. The only problem is that he knew he was leaving for grad school in another state. He had a problem committing to the bf/gf title saying that it wasn't necessary for us to have a title. After a few weeks, he told me that he was telling people we were together though. He also told me that he didn't believe in long distance relationships. All of these should have been giant red flags for me to get out of the relationship, but we were having so much fun I thought he'd change his mind. We have a lot in common and we even went on a couple camping trips, just the two of us.
At one point about 2 weeks before he was leaving we were having a conversation about the future and he said that he thought I was more into him than he was into me. But then, like 4 nights before he left he came over after he was drinking and told me that he loved me. I told him not to say that because he was just drunk. He said no, it's true, I really do. When it was time for him to leave, we just had this really emotional goodbye of crying and hugging. He told me he thought it was best that we don't talk for awhile since the goodbye was so hard.
I'm so torn up over this. I told him I didn't want to break up, but he said it would never work. I just don't know why he would send me so many mixed signals. He told me all the time that he really liked me, but now he can't even talk to me? It's probably for the best that he is giving us space. I'm just so upset about it, and I can't stop thinking about him. I blocked him on Facebook, and deleted his number out of my phone. It's so hard to have him break up with me even though nothing was wrong with the relationship. Now I'm stuck wondering what could have happened, or what could still happen. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Wow... I went through the same thing... Girl honestly, don't wait around. You don't know what he is doing. I as torn for weeks.. literally, and accepted the fact that we couldn't be together, finally when I did, he wrote me a sweet email and we are back together. If its meant to be, he will come back hun. Promise.

he said that he thought I was more into him than he was into me.
You sure fell fast and deep in 3 months. He didn't.

Yeah, even though he said that, it seems like he was getting more into after that. It was his idea to go camping afterwards. And why would he tell me that he loves me after that?

He probably mean't it at the time, the question is how much love did he have. Hey, we all love to hear those words, but actions are what we should pay attention to. Even then we can still get in to deep.

Does trust develop in a relationship, or does it have to be there from the beginning? I'm currently in my 3rd "real" relationship. I was with my last 2 boyfriends for 2 - 3 years each and I never felt like I could really trust them. I really like the guy that I'm currently with.. we've been together about 5 months. If you've followed my other posts, he's the guy who wanted to break up because it was going to turn into a long distance relationship. He's since changed his mind, and says he wants to go for it. For some reason I just feel so paranoid in my relationships. I'm convinced that they are going to want to go back to their exes or meet some new girl and leave me. I really like this guy, so I don't want to mess it up. Will trust develop in the relationship as we progress? It's obviously a problem within me, so what can I do to help it?

Trust is earned. I don't think your issue is trust, I think you are just skeptical which was learned by your past and the fact that he lives far away. This is natural. If you really care for him, give it a shot.

If you have these issues with all your relationship, then get some help with YOUR issues, either a professional, a trusted older friend, or read a self help book, but do something to adjust your attitude, or cope with those feelings, or you will have a hard time trying to be in a healthy relationship.
Good luck!!

Heh I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now... I thought I had overcome the feelings of jealousy, but for some reason they are really showing up right now! Maybe I will look into some self help books

I'm a great believer in the following quote...

"I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it"

For me, Im different. I give trust, and they have to keep it.. but once its gone... ITS GONE! But its different for everyone. I think you need to let go a little, dating is supposed to be fun. Yes hearts get broken, but its all in learning and getting to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. With not trusting and dating them for so long... why did you break up.. Were you right not to trust them? If so... maybe you need to listen to your instincts?

If you've been mislead, cheated on, been heart broken, anything to that effect trust is rare anyway, so you want that person to earn your trust.

Thanks Friend, I am one of those people, so I know. My trust takes time to earn, and once it's broken your out of my life forever. I'm not a very forgiving person when I'm betrayed.

I'm not a very forgiving person when I'm betrayed.

LOL... I think that's pretty normal :)

Not really though.. I mean around here... I hear "well he cheated on me, but I'll stay cause I love him"... well, I've been hearing that a lot lately.

Yeah both my boyfriends lied to me and betrayed my trust, so I'm sure it must partly stem from that. I think you're right that he needs to earn my trust... I just hate the feeling of being so paranoid in the mean time

yeah both my boyfriends lied to me and betrayed my trust, so i'm sure it must partly stem from that. i think you're right that he needs to earn my trust...i just hate the feeling of being so paranoid in the mean time

I can understand you being apprehensive about this trust issue , but I also really think you need to remember that its not your current BF's fault that you have been betrayed before.

I think for your own good you definitely shouldn't mistrust him at this point , but I suppose it is an issue you need to work on somehow.

There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

Without a doubt!

Yet another update to my new relationship...

I found out that my boyfriend lied to me about his past. He told me he had cheated on his ex girlfriend only one time. A mutual friend of ours told me that my boyfriend had cheated on his ex multiple times. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he did lie. I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse. After I found out he lied to me, I was really ready to break up with him. Since we live far apart, he called me and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He told me the reason he lied about it is because he's embarrassed and new I would be mad about him cheating. He didn't want what happened with his ex to affect our relationship. I'm not head over heels in love with him or anything... we've only been together 5 months. I really do like him though and can see a future in the relationship.

Do you think he'll just continue his cheating? I told him maybe if he had just cheated once and realized how much he regretted it I would feel better about it. The fact that he did it multiple times makes me feel like he doesn't even feel bad while he's cheating.

Maybe he didn't care very much about her? I know that's harsh but true also.. the way a man truly feels about someone can affect the decisions he will make (such as cheating) if you know where you stand in his life and heart give him a chance and trust him. Try not to bring someone's past into a relationship its one of the worst mistakes you can make. Leave it where it belongs and focus on the present between the two of you.

Just focus on you present. However, if he cheated on you even once, that's it. Who knows he's 100% smitten by you an don't think of cheating?

Now that you know the truth, he is a liar and a cheater, the decision to continue is yours.

Its up to him to prove he has changed, so don't be naïve.

Where you have been and what you have done is who you are...

I can only speak for myself but I could never trust someone who cheated. It says so much about who you are and what you think of yourself and others.

To me if someone cheats in a relationship they can't be trusted in other things either. To cheat, you must lie (if only to yourself), if you lie, you probably will betray your friends also. It goes on and on... one lie always requires another.

Now, with that being said, I have to say that anyone can turn themselves around and start again, and maturity does have a lot to do with it, but not in all cases...
Stringer

This is the reason we START OVER in new relationships, to give ourselves a chance to do better than we did last time. It's fair.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No, not always true, but it probably is for the person who GOT cheated on. Does that make sense?

In dating, you two should be "testing each other out" for a period of 8-24 months and SEEING if you can develop a faithful, committed bond. It's not guaranteed, so you SEE.

So, the problem here is that you even found out. It has unnecessarily tainted your view of him. You should be judging (and judging firmly) his actions with you, not his actions with others in his past. Yes, I know his past may be indicative, but it's not an absolute. Let his actions with YOU be his proving ground.

So, instead of asking "once a cheater, always a cheater?"... instead ask, "Can I let our relationship stand on its own, or not? Am I able to forget potentially irrelevant but still negative info I got about his past?"

This is really a question about YOU, not him.

He is a liar and a cheat, decision is yours but his true colors are showing through

Rome, how so? It's completely understandable he would keep his past errors from her, he is not showing his true colors, things that could potentially be completely irrelevant have been introduced by a third party, not by him.

I'm no fan of cheaters, but this story so far reads like a total bum rap for a guy who may be fine now in this relationship and is about to get punished anyway.

So sad.

He lied about his past already to hide something. What is the harm of being upfront with someone when you first meet them? It would make me question their trust even more if I found out more stuff later in the relationship

I would have to say that he is responsible for his previous acts, and if he were about some real change, he would be truthful with a partner, and bear responsibility for it.

If he gets a bad shake, then so be it.

I'll respectfully disagree with you chaps I normally agree with. I find it unfortunate when a person commits sins he must later suppress knowledge of to get a fair shake, but that's reality.

No way I believe you guys think a guy who has cheated on an ex-girlfriend should divulge that to his current g/f. No way. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. This is the kind of information that REQUIRES most men to hide until long after a girl has had a chance to realize he's true to her. Then he can share more fully, and probably would, as you suggest he should.

I just don't think early offering stuff like this is conducive to a trust thing. I just don't. Most young girls aren't equipped to handle it well. Look what's happening here! I know you think it's about him "Lying" about it, but I think calling omissions of fact "lies" when he told the truth about what he'd done, just fudged the degree of it...

I know, I'm alone on this one. I'm just saying. This guy deserves a break unless he's done something TO THIS GIRL to warrant being punished all over for it. I would suggest sins of previous relationships and the honesty with which it is discussed be considered, but not weighted NEARLY as heavy as his clear to observe behaviors in THIS relationship.

So sue me.

There are a few factors we are overlooking, the most glaring one is finding out from an outside source about his past. That can make it appear he has lied, and in an already mistrusting person their worst fears have been confirmed and magnified.

You have a point though as this isn't something you tell a date, but when more develops, you must come clean, and take the risk for doing what you think is right.

At least she deserves this information to make a reasonable decision, about what actions and risks she is willing to take.

I agree... eventually. She described this as "a new relationship" so at this point I would've guessed it was too early to reveal things of this nature at all. It appears I was right.

I agree that you have a point. This shouldn't have been discussed this early in this "association."

But she also said; "I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse" so apparently other things come into play here also. She was already doubting him for some reason/s.

The fact remains though that the "cat" is out of the bag in this particular situation. And as Tal said she is already a mistrusting person (Although I see her reasons). Remember he lied initially when asked and said 'once", when confronted he admitted to multiple times (?). Personally, I have a problem when a relationship is based on mistrust.

I stand by my first post on this one guys, shaky... trust is necessary for a solid foundation to build further.

Stringer

Thank you so much for all the responses. All my friends have been saying to break up with him because they don't believe he is capable of changing. All of these responses have made me feel so much better about staying with him though. You're right, I need to judge him for how he has treated me... and he has treated me really well so far. My trust issues stem from my two long term ex boyfriends who both ended up cheating and lying to me. I've told myself that I can't carry baggage from exes into this relationship though. My current boyfriend has really never given me a reason not to trust him except for lying about how many times he cheated on his ex. After your responses I can see why he really wouldn't want to tell me that kind of information at the very beginning of our relationship. Since then he's been really good about discussing that kind of stuff with me too. At least he doesn't just cut it off and say he never wants to talk about it.

Now the only thing I'm concerned about is when school starts up again. He's going to be going to school halfway across the country. I hope my feelings of doubt about trusting him don't come up again. I just need to keep thinking about what you've said though... I need to judge him but how he's treated ME not his exes... and he's treated me so well.

Thank you so much for putting this into perspective for me.

k...

we've only been together 5 months
That he is willing to talk is a good sign, as I think by 6 months of dating, your ready for an exclusive relationship, and you better use that time to really bond, and cement a commitment, as those long distance things bring out any weaknesses, and insecurities a partner has, as well as temptations. Not to scare you (but did, didn't I? ), but it gets harder, and more work is required, by you both. I urge you to communicate honestly.

Couldn't "rate" you again Tal, but good response, long distance is a damper...

Stringer

Yeah, LD can kill a new relationship, and usually it should. It's so hard to get all the compatibility issues worked out dealing face-to-face, LD it's pretty much impossible.

Geography is one of the BIGGIES in the compatibility game. A guy that doesn't even live close enough for you to actually date... I'm sorry to change my tune so suddenly, but it's not going to be worth the grief you're going to give each other.

If LD is unavoidable, I'd remove the exclusivity clause ALTOGETHER so you two can at least not be mad at each other when real life happens to each of you in your respective localities.

I know this is an old thread, but I kind of wanted to update and start a new discussion.. I'm still with this boyfriend. We visit each other once a month. We talk every day on the phone, and things seem to be going well.
Now my problem is that I've found out way more about his past then I ever wanted to know. He's slept with quite a few people, some of whom are in acquaintances at my school. It's a really hard position for me to be in. And some days it makes me so angry that he slept with so many people he didn't even care about. I'm torn because I like him a lot, but some days I feel like I don't even want to talk to him because I'm disgusted by his past. I try not to bring it up because I don't want to make him feel bad, but I think about it all the time. Does this eventually get better? Do you have any suggestions for making it easier to deal with?

How is the relationship progressing, as far as personally between you? Is there a lot of talk about his past?

One thing I can tell you about LDR's is it tends to bring insecurities to the front, and magnifies any you may have already.

Getting beyond it takes some work on your part, and expressing those feelings honestly may help to get some reassurance, and support, and understanding.

The worst thing you can do is act impulsively on those feelings, or let them get you carried away emotionally, as there is one thing to have those feelings, and quite another to let them affect your actions.

It gets better only if you successfully move to the next level, the level where you start putting the other person ahead of yourself. The more you think about his needs, the better you become as his mate. Hopefully he's doing the same thing.

During this process, your perspective on his past should improve, too. Seriously, you don't have things in your past someone could make a 'list' of and then present to you as reason you should be thought ill of? I think we all have that list.

Treat this man the way you'd want to BE treated. How would you defend against past sins presented to you as reasons to be disgusted? There's nothing... you're helpless. It's completely unfair. And you know that.

Keep doing the work.

Our relationship is progressing well. We don't talk about his past very often. He does try to reassure me when it comes up though. I was hoping it would get better, but it just seems to be getting worse. I feel like I'm getting more and more worked up about it. I know there's nothing he can do about it. It's just a frustrating position to be in.

You're not in a frustrating position. You're dating a human. Humans do things, things you like and things you don't like. Things he did in the past that you don't like aren't frustrating, they're facts.

You're in a character-building position. Either you can fairly date this man in the here and now, or you can't. I hope you see that you're fueling this, he's done nothing to defend. I hope he doesn't try, I'm sure it will make you angrier.

In the end, if your incapable of dating the real guy, the guy he is today, then you know you have to walk away. But when you do, I do hope you don't put it on him, I hope you're able to be classy enough to honestly point the finger at yourself. Give him that at least. After all, he's here doing the work and you're the one thinking, 'Yeah, but I'm disgusted, anyway.'

Dating doesn't have to be this adversarial.

Our relationship is progressing well.

How are you addressing your personal issues?

As far as how I feel about his past? I see a therapist at school occasionally. She's asked me why I get so upset about it, and if there's something that triggers it. I think I get so upset about it because it makes me feel like he's more capable of cheating on me, and that it makes what we have less special. I think what triggers it is being around some of the girls who still go to school here.
He's actually been extremely understanding about it. I brought it up last night because I was feeling really down, and he stayed up until 3:30am talking to me. I always feel better after we talk about it, but eventually it's going to wear him down. I need to figure out a way to deal with it without talking to him.
I feel bad having these feelings because he really is good to me. My therapist said it's a really good sign that he's willing to talk to me about these deep issues, and not try to make me feel bad about having the feelings. We have very open communication, and I've been feeling really good about my trust issues.
I really don't want to mess this one up.

Oh, and Jbeau, I definitely accept the fact that this is my issue. I don't try to blame it on him at all. I'm feeling good about it today because we talked about it last night, I'll just try to keep it going. I like how you called it a character building position. I like thinking about it that way. I need to step up and be fair about this, because he's been extremely patient.

I love what I'm hearing, here. Sounds like you're taking steps in the right mental direction. Forgiveness (even though he doesn't really need forgiving) is a healing step. Once you can forgive his past and really mean it, you can own your strong feelings for one another as the honest thing they probably are.

And it's the actions of today he should be judged firmly on. As long as you two both do that, and stay understanding about each other's differences (past and present), then the foundation to a lasting love is firming up.

Keep it up.

I agree with JB, as your on a healthy path, just keep working. Sounds like you got a good one.

Leave him man...

Cheater can never chnge...

U will get much better than him...

I don't think the question is about him, but about you. Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Do you want to spend your relationship twisting yourself in knots?

We don't have a crystal ball to say yes he is a cheater and always will be. Some people cheat and then realize it's a horrible thing to do or they just weren't very vested in their relationship. Others cheat time and time again... they are addicted to the thrills and terribly insecure so they need to keep attracting people. Which is he? Who knows?

But the thing is that you need to feel secure and if his past and his lying bothers you, then it's best to break it off. It's not about him, it's about you.

Hi again everyone,
I've sorted things out with my boyfriend and I'm feeling really good about the whole relationship. Now my concern is that I'm becoming too dependent on the relationship. I think about him all the time, and I'm always worried that he's going to stop liking me or suddenly break up with me. I feel like I need constant approval. I tried to not become dependent, because when my last boyfriend broke up with me it took me over a year to feel better about myself. How do you keep yourself from becoming dependent on someone? I'm trying to keep hanging out with my friends, and keep involved in school. I've just been really worried about losing even though he hasn't given me any indication that he intends to leave. He's told me he's extremely happy.

RELAX DD, just go with the flow, have fun, until something changes. The last thing you want to do is worry about something that hasn't happened. That's no fun.

The good news is, your fears, and previous experience, has you doing other things to balance your life.

I think that's great. Enjoy yourself.

>EDIT<
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/dependency-relationships-279909.html

Wow, have you come a long way. Congrats to you.

So I was just reading in another thread about the honeymoon stage, and it got me to thinking about my own relationship. Do you think the honeymoon stage lasts longer or shorter in a long distance relationship? I see my boyfriend about once a month and it's always super exciting to be with him again. We talk about moving in together in a about a year a half, but would we be out of the honeymoon stage by then? We've been together about 9 months.

First of all I definitely think that it will last longer since you don't see each other very often. I would try to see him more often before you move in together... things could be drastically different. Maybe like 6 months or so before you want to move in together you could get an apartment close by or vice versa. That way you will see more of each other and see how things go. If you only see him once a month and don't increase that you will only see him a total of 26 times before you move in together. Most couples see each other way more then that before they make that kind of a step. Try just moving closer for awhile... or at least see each other more often because things are different after the honeymoon stage and they might not be good! On the other hand they could still be great... I definitely would not enter into a lease or loan or anything with him until you see each other several times a week! Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disaster both emotionally and financially. Good luck and I hope that things work out... that stage is so much fun! Enjoy it!