I realize a lot of people have boyfriends and husbands that like to look at porn.

For the most part, I never thought this would be an issue for me as I've a fairly open mind about looking at porn (as long as it nothing illegal), masturbation to porn, etc.

However, I find myself in a situation with my current partner. We've been together about 1.5 years - the first six months were a long distance relationship, the past year we've lived together.

He's always denied looking at porn. When we were long distance, he had to rebuild his computer once due to virus issues, and when I suggested porn sites were a well known source of viruses, he denied ever having visited one. I believed him, as I had no reason not to, not that it was really an issue for me.

Once I moved in with him, I did notice that frequently, when I walked into this home office (he is a self-employed architect), he would be sitting at his computer but the screen would be blank (just the desktop, or Yahoo home page, or just opening a new document or web page). Having previously worked in an office myself and knowing the routine, it seemed like he might be quickly attempting to hide what he had been looking at, but, again, I didn't think much of it, until, one day about 3 months after moving in, he was supposed to be looking up the weather (we were headed out for a hike), and I came back into the room and found him looking at porn. When he realized I'd walked into the room, he attempted to hide the image on his computer screen with his hands, but clearly, I'd seen what was on the screen.

I was so shocked that I didn't say anything at that time, just pretended I didn't see it and went about my business. He quickly brought up the weather and didn't acknowledge anything either. About a week later, however, I decided I should talk to him about the incident, since I started to feel as though I didn't know him as well as I thought I did (having started as a long distance relationship) - might he be a porn addict? We talked at length, and he explained that he had just clicked a link in some email spam out of curiosity at that time and was ashamed when I walked back into the room and tried to hide it. He was sorry we didn't discuss it at the time and thought it was very generous of me not to make him feel badly. He again denied using any porn, or being addicted, going as far to say that porn is "boring" and the women are "bimbo's" and claiming he is just not that kind of a guy. He has never deny enjoying viewing quality images of the female form (he is an artist, after all), but claims that porn "does nothing" for him.

At this point, I'm sure you readers can determine where this story is going. Sure enough, shortly thereafter, I discovered his porn "stash" on the computer. He'd left an image open on his computer (though minimized) labeled something like "doggy" - and since we have three dogs I clicked on it expecting to see a picture of one of the pooches. Yeah right. What I discovered was approximately 5,000 still images ( a lot of "sets") of naked women, high resolution images with a focus on the rear end. Not soft core porn, but not particularly hard core - but just a TON of images. Too many to really look at, since they all seemed quite repetitive in nature.

I did NOT confront him with my discovery because I didn't want to make him feel spied upon or further push him into hiding re his porn viewing habits or that I was attempting to control his behavior in any way. I have, instead, at different times, attempted to open up the conversation regarding porn with him so that he knows I'm not rabidly anti-porn, but, that I do want and expect him to be honest with me and to have a dialogue about this. However, he has reacted to all my attempts with denial - basically, his story is the same, that he never looks at porn, that the porn he has on his machine was installed by his brother at one time (when the brother was helping set up the machine and without his consent).

He now has a new computer, and I can tell from the web activity log that he views and downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis, typically in the morning as soon as he goes up to "work". He has rearranged his office so that the new computer screen is no longer visible upon entry to the room claiming the change was necessary to deal with glare issues (which has some validity).

I might also mention that he is 47 years old (I'm 37) and our sex life is just "ok". I would like to have sex more often than 3 or 4 times per month (I've expressed this to him), but, often he doesn't seem interested or claims to not be in the mood because of work issues. Rarely, he will initiate, often, I need to initiate. There has been some improvement over the last six month, but, still 2 weeks or more will pass with him showing little or no interest in sex with me. I wonder if the two are related.

I'm at the point in this relationship where we could get more serious - we've talked about some shared desires for a future together, perhaps even marriage. I do love and care for him very much, however, don't want to get more involved in a situation that will only bring me heartache.

As relatively open-minded I am about porn, I never expected to be with a partner who viewed it daily and maintained a cache of 5,000 or more images, downloading new images weekly, while denying he was that "kind of guy". I suppose, even more so than the porn usage, it's the lying and deception that he's perpetrated that I feel has and will continue to drive a wedge between us. As it is, I can't get anywhere near his computer without him posturing to have me leave, which, I can only imagine, he's afraid of me somehow discovering his porn stash. It's hard for me to imagine that he can't realize that I can "sense" his discomfort and that there is something not quite right.

How can I tell if he is addicted? I suppose it is only semantics - if it is making me unhappy then who cares if it is a true "addiction" or just a overly enthusiastic appreciation for images of naked women that still must be dealt with. But, since he refuses to acknowledge (to me at least) that even looks at porn, I really have no idea how much time he spends viewing the porn that he has downloaded and therefore, the impact it has on his productivity, or how he feels about it in any way, or if it could be an addiction.

I do know that he does NOT masturbate to the porn (at least while I'm around) which seems to be a bit unusual, and, I'm also fairly certain he isn't paying for porn - just downloading free-bee's that some sites give away. After reading some other posts from women, I wonder if the best thing to do is just to walk away and save myself years of struggle and heartache, be glad I discovered this prior to devoting years of my life to him, or, if this is behavior is perfectly normal and not indicative of an addiction - perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.

Yes, from the sounds of what you just typed, he is addicted to porn big time. If he has to view the porn from the time he gets up in the morning until who knows when until he goes to sleep - he has a serious problem.

If I were you I would just find someone else as this porn habit can lead to more things the older he gets. I just read a book about serial rapists and serial murderers by the famous FBI profilers who have devoted years to researching into these guy's minds and they way they think. It's called "The Evil that Men Do". It's about 14 years old so it might be hard to find a copy of this book. Essentially the men who keep viewing porn keep having to escalate their "thrill" that they get from viewing this stuff. They escalate right up to rape and then murder. Since he's in his 40's it sounds like his habit has totally engrossed his entire waking existence. He may or may not go for the rape stuff as the book said that rape was a younger man's MO and not an older man's MO. The book did go onto explain that since these men masterbate so much that they cannot enjoy regular sex with a woman as they have used their hand so much. That explained a lot to me as I had a boyfriend who liked porn and could not perform as much as he did before he would look at the porn. Somehow the real thing doesn't excite them anymore. I could relate to that part of the book a lot.

His computer got some nasty viruses from porn sites also. That's a for sure thing on that.

May I suggest you simply "ease" this guy out of your life and try looking elsewhere. You are healthy sexual wise to want to be satisfied like a normal woman, not playing "second fiddle" to some doggy pictures. Please find another guy who likes the real deal. You'll be glad you did.

Hi Twinkiedooter,

Thanks for your reply. I just wanted to clarify that I'm fairly certain he isn't spending ALL day looking at porn. We spend every evening together from about 5PM (cooking dinner, watching movies), and he will go upstairs at the end of he day to check email, but isn't really gone long enough to look at porn then - just 10 minutes or so and then comes to bed. On weekends we will often go backpacking (in the summer) or do something together.

It seems, based on the web activity log, that he attempts to download new porn in the morning before getting started on his work day - I guess every day is different depending on what he intends to accomplish, but, often, he will be working at his drafting table when I enter the office, no where near the computer.

I think sometimes, because he lies about using porn, I suspect he's using it more than he really is, it's just hard to know because he won't admit to it at all.

I hear you re the progressive course this kind of addiction can take for some men, however, I'm not worried about him being involved in any illegal activity. He's not that "anti-social" in nature and overall a very kind-hearted, animal loving, art loving person.

Does lying about this kind of behavior automatically indicate an addiction? Or does lying just mean he's THAT ashamed of himself and doesn't want me to know about this side of him (as counterproductive as it may be to the foundation of our relationship).

That's addiction. He is doing it daily? Jesus-thats a lot of pics!

The fact that he is lying to cover it up -he is not even saying he is addicted? It is time to send him on his way (IF HE DOES NOT STOP, OR refuses to get help-if hae can't stop

You seem to be wanting to cover for him in your answer. You are in denial big time over this guy. The book that I referred to was written by Roy Hazelwood. John Douglas also has written books on these porn addicted men. A lot of men start with the porn, then they progress to looking at bondage pictures, then they progress to the real thing and end up torturing real women and eventually killing them.

1998 St. Martins Press - The Evil That Men Do. By Roy Hazelwood. Once you read this book you will have a much better understanding of how porn hurts women and addicts men to it. My son thinks that there must be something imbedded into the pictures that makes men want to view this more and more and can't essentially get enough.

Please get the book and read it for yourself. Remember Ted Bundy? He was a wonderfully charming man who did some horriffic murders. He was a social butterfly and very intelligent.

When the BF wants you to start acting out his sexual fantasies, look out. Pretty soon he'll start wanting to tie you up and dominate you.

Just because he spends time with you in the evenings now means nothing. Looking at email for 10 minutes - do you go along and see this or does he do this alone? If alone I really don't think it's email he's looking at. I am very skeptical of men in general when they are caught lying about anything. I tend to believe my first impression is the right impression. He may be in a lull right now and curbing his addiction as you have a "new" relationship. Just wait... he will truly show you what he's all about in due time.

Please read that book. You will be glad you did. It is very educational to a woman who knows nothing about this. I thought I knew the subject, but I really had my eyes opened wide after reading this book.

... 5,000 still images ... downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis ... perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.
No doubt this is a situation of porn addiction. However keep in mind that many males have somewhere on their computers a stash of porn pictures, though seldom so big.
.
Unless you can convince him to open up on this and discuss the situation and your feelings about this, this will influence your relationship in an increasing negative way.
.
You mentioned that he is 47 years old (and you are 37) and your sex life is just "ok".
Much depends on if you are financially independent of him or not. Take that into account.
Not doing anything most probably will end up in you becoming frustrated with the situation.
However taking hard action may end up in the relationship breaking down.
You are the best judge of what could happen.
If necessary try to find professional help for this form of addiction.
.
Some weeks ago I heard from a female friend in a similar situation a solution that you may keep in mind for later, if all else fails :
- Never try to wipe data from his computer.
- Whenever possibile add hundreds of pictures of yourself (whatever you want) to the stash at various locations, so many that he has to find them some time. But do not say anything to him. The shocking effect of encountering one or more of these pictures did in her situation cause both partners to discuss the situation, and ended the addiction problem.
I hope that if you have to use the same trick it will help you also!
:)

Lack of enough sex with him and not being able to discuss why, with him, is a problem. Porn addiction or not, financial needs or not, I'd leave him for those reasons. Unless, he'll open up and talk to you about himself honestly.

He may simply have a lower sex drive than you. What do you need? Tell him.

5,000 pictures = porn addiction? Get serious people... I can download 5,000 pictures in about 20 minutes if I was so inclined.

If his online behaviour isn't dominated with porn sites then he isn't addicted.

I will agree about the free porn sites however... bad place to pick up viruses and malware. I avoid them like the plauge. THere are better places to get it that are still free and safer.

I can't understand his exceptionally low drive however... he is my age and I get the jitters if I don't have sex for more than a day or two. Wife and I still do it almost every day even after 17 years of marriage.

5,000 pictures = porn addiction? Get serious people.... I can download 5,000 pictures in about 20 minutes if I was so inclined.
Every morning starting with a visit to these sites? And (of course) store only the best pics...
5000 "best pics" : yes that is addiction :)
.

... he is my age and I get the jitters if I don't have sex for more than a day or two. Wife and I still do it almost every day even after 17 years of marriage.
ONLY almost every day? Hmmm : your sex life is already going down the drain, I see :D
:rolleyes:

Every morning starting with a visit to these sites? And (of course) store only the best pics ...
5000 "best pics" : yes that is addiction :):

The morning might be the time he is free... what time of the day isn't important... when things and people are neglected to do this, or any other thing like online games etc... thats a sign of an addiction. 5,000 pictures are nothing, you can put ten times that easily on a CD... or a really cheap thumb drive.




ONLY almost every day? Hmmm : your sex life is already going down the drain, I see :D
:rolleyes:

Heck I don't think I did it 3 times a day since I was in my early 20's, single and didn't know when I would be getting it next... :D And that most certainly wasn't every day.


Yeah I know what you are saying however... I do think I have a healthy and frequent sex life.

On 5K pix... they can accumulate. If he surfs 30 minutes/day for 1.5 years, he is behind if he only has 5K. As smoothy says, you can download lots of pix in a short time, but from the post, it sounds like he has some special interests... the "rear view not quite hard core" stuff. I know someone who got upset with a local organization and downloaded just over a terabyte of porn on to the organization's network. Quantity versus quality.

On special interests... everyone has something naughty that really, really turns them on. Part of the naughty is that we view this interest as a bit perverted. Because of that reason, we don't want to share. Think about this... maybe while having sex with hubby, a wife fantasizes taking it in the rear from the mailman, or whatever. Fantasizing something different improves that round of sex for the individual and the partner is none the wiser. If it is in your mind, it can't be detected and it leaves no trace, like magazines or videos or downloads, but is it really different from fantasizing while looking at porn? That depends on the degree of involvement.

On degree... if he is spending that much time surfing for porn, he is masturbating. If he is focused on his special interest to the point where he REQUIRES the porn to get off, he has something that can be thought of as a parallel interest, sort of like a lover. Some people can handle both fantasy lover and physical partner, but if he is more interested in his fantasy than satisfying his partner, big problems in the relationship can result. It really depends on where they are in the relationship. In this case, communication does not appear to be happening. Communication is critical to a healthy relationship.

On porn leading to rape and ax-murdering... give me a freakin' break. Porn in the US is a $13 billion/year business. Based on a Newsweek article, the porn industry is large enough to potentially be the deciding factor in the battle over HD format dominance. If looking at porn leads to rape and murder, we ought to be knee deep in gore! The porn to savagery myth came from Ted Bundy. One of the many mind games he played was to tell some passing minister that porn led him to do the crap that he did. That was a load of hooey passed from a truly evil person to someone who should have known better.

Whether it's a porn addiction is beside the point.

He's lying, you KNOW he's lying, and he knows you know he's lying.

Doesn't sound like much of a trusting relationship to me!

Since relationships are BUILT on trust, well... you've got a couple choices. Either confront him, say "I know you're looking at porn, and if you come clean, and talk about this with me, then we can make this work". OR--Tell him that you know he's lying to you about porn, you can't be in a relationship with someone that would lie about something that petty, and sorry, but you're gone.

Well,I don't think I'd go as far as to say that he's addicted. My husband has whole gigs on his computer devoted to downloaded porn. It really isn't that much as my husband does look at these sights every night soon after he comes home.. Our sex life is perfect, I couldn't ask for more. We spend ample time together and I have no complaints... the only difference between my situation and yours, he lies to you. that is unacceptable. You can't just stay with him and sit there and let him lie to you about it. Especially if you aren't satisfied sexually. As you said, there could be many years of heartache in the future with this man if something isn't said and done.

I wouldn't leave him as some others have suggested. What I would do is, tell him you KNOW he's looking at porn... if he doesn't believe you, prove it to him. Go to his computer and bring up those sites he goes to. Tell him if he continues to lie to you about it then you will be forced to chalk him up as a liar and leave.

I think you said it best when you said "I suppose it is only semantics - if it is making me unhappy then who cares if it is a true "addiction" or just a overly enthusiastic appreciation for images of naked women that still must be dealt with."

Is he an addict? I think you already know that answer. Just a suggestion but something that tends to work well is "If you have a problem, you may or may not that isn't what I am saying. If you do, just know that I am here for you and will help you through it." Once you set that initial tone of support your next steps are more serious. Reaffirm your support but make sure you let him know that this is an unexceptionable activity. If you enable the issue further it will never end. Don't rationalize, don't just except, but be supportive.

I don't think the tiny bit of porn he has (and 5,000 pictures is a tiny ammount) DO you have more than 2 pairs of shoes? How many purses? How often to you go shopping at the mall to look at clothes? Do you have soap operas you absolutely have to see?

Are you beginning to see what I mean yet? Its little more than a hobby, it cost nothing, and he doesn't have much. He doesn't spend most of his waking hours watching it, so why pick problems. He could have a habit of going out with the guys drinking. He could be a gambler, he could have a whole lot of bad habits he apparently doesn't have. Keep in mind nearly every one of us does something our spouse might not like.

As we woman get older, we have to decide what character traits of a man are deal breakers and what we can live with... there are many fewer desirable men as we grow older.

If you didn't know he spent some time using porn, would you be satisfied with him as a potential life partner? I think you should think about this for awhile... evaluate his good qualities compared to his bad qualities.

Generally, addiction of any kind is a total deal breaker... alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, etc... If great sex is very important to you, then sex addiction could be a deal breaker for you.

What do you want for the rest of your life? :)

What do you want for the rest of your life? :)
Good question...
We all have our good and bad habits.
Alcohol, drugs, gambling, a one-night stand, lying : all important issues for a good debate and/or setting new rules between partners.
But love (and even more trust) between partners is essential. Without these no relationship can survive.
:rolleyes:

With one click you pulled up over 5,000 images and that could be a small sum compared to what he has stored in his computer. If he is minimizing the screen and then making excuses like well I just clicked on this one thing. He is lying and hiding his addiction from you.
You say porn doesn't bother you so why not offer to watch a porn movie with him and see how it goes.

I agree with Synnen the principle is that he is in denial and the more he denies the more trust issues you are going to have with him

Smoothy,

I don't disagree with you in that the situation re the porn viewing "hobby" could be worse. But, if it were worse (i.e, viewing porn took over his every waking minute), I wouldn't be posting a question on this board, I'd be packing up my things and walking out the door.

I don't think (and I'm sure you would agree) that we should evaluate our partners based on how many BAD habits they COULD have, but don't. I wouldn't be involved with this man if he gambled (been there, done that), or went out drinking with the boys all the time and drove home after having a few too many. Perhaps a better way to evaluate our partners is be determining if they "bad habits" they do have are ones we can live with. By the way, I am one of those apparently rare women who doesn't care much for shopping, or watch much TV (movies yes), let alone soap operas. I do have to cop to owning at least 20 pairs of shoes, though I haven't purchased a single new pair in over a year - for no other reason than I haven't been shopping more than once in the past year.

I'm at the point in my life were I very much realize that I can create a happy life for myself, single or not, than I would be able to saddled to someone else dealing with their (much larger) problems. I'm not saying I'm *bad habit free* by any means, but some bad habits are certainly worse than others (gambling, alcoholism, pornography addiction, etc.) because they can end up threatening the integrity of the relationship.

At the same time, it would be completely unfair for me to reduce all that my partner is to a "porn addict" (or having a habit, or whatever). He has interest in a wide variety of activities, subjects, hobbies, and it doesn't escape my notice that he has no interest in watching sports - a highly desirable trait in my book.

I do "get" that looking a picture of naked woman is simply that - there really isn't another outlet (beside magazines, but the internet is so much easier) for him to spend time gazing at images of female genitalia and rear ends and apparently that fascinates him and makes him feel good while he's doing it. It's a different activity than having sex, and certainly, I could (and will) engage in more nudity around the house (which I'm pretty positive he'd respond well to), but, it's winter and it's cold, and I have a life - I'm just not available for his viewing pleasure in the same way that internet porn is. So, I do understand that not ALL viewing of porn constitutes an addiction.

I guess my question comes down to by what criteria is it fair to call something an addiction? The repeated denial and lying of the activity (to the point of absurdity) sort of puts a "check mark" in the "addiction" category in my mind, but is this really fair? Since I don't know the specific "time investment" he has viewing the photos, I can't say how it's affecting him otherwise - to all appearances he is leading a functioning life on a every day basis and his online habits don't appear to be dominated by sex sites. At times, I find him in the middle of viewing a guitar instruction video on YouTube when I come home from being out. Certainly, he could have been masturbating to porn before that, but is it really fair for me to care if he wants to jerk off to pictures while I'm gone - probably something that most men have been doing since the age of 11 or 12? I'm open minded enough to feel that even in a committed relationship, there is space to grant your partner a little privacy when it comes to their sexuality - if they feel they want that privacy to masturbate (or whatever), and if it's not harming the relationship otherwise.

In addition to the denial and lying, there is the fact that he does have (at least) 5K images stored - it could be as many a 8K - not really sure that the difference between 5K and 8K matters much. I know you call this a "tiny" amount of porn, but, it doesn't seem "tiny" when scrolling through page after page after page of naked women thumbnails. You have to realize that to many people, this seems like A LOT - not a lot compared to the possible gigs he *could* store, but, certainly ENOUGH images to make someone wonder if the activity is addictive in it's nature. It sort of seems like "hoarding" or in some way compulsive and (possibly) unhealthy. It's not just 20 or 30 videos a couple hundred pics that he downloaded last month when I went out of town for a week (for example) so he could masturbate. So another possible "check" in the addiction column in my mind. Not that I think these 5K pics are "favorites" for him - I think he just downloads 30-50 new pics in zipped files every day and then just saves them - hard drive space isn't a problem and it's faster to open a file stored on your hard drive than download it over the wireless network.

And finally, the seemingly low sex drive - which, until I realized he was looking at porn even on the mornings that he claimed his mind "just wasn't going there" (ie, not interested in sex), I just accepted for what it was. We are having sex enough that it isn't a "glaring" problem and it was improving in quality, so I wasn't overly worried about it. I guess I don't really understand why my partner would claim that he's not feeling sexual, then 20 minutes later go download 30 pics of naked women and spend a few hours looking at them. Again, I'm not sure of the time commitment, but I have to believe he's spending SOME amount of time looking at them otherwise why download? It seems like it might be a red flag to an addiction.

As others have stated, he does need to be confronted, if for no other reason than the deception. I'd been wanting to avoid a full out confrontation because I'm afraid of putting him on the defensive, and "proving" that I know he looks at porn means I have to admit to using his computer without his permission and checking out the web activity log (e.g. snooping), which happened ONLY after I'd already inadvertently caught him, but, still it's not fun to go there. I've been hoping he'd just open up about it if I brought up the topic of porn often enough in different ways, but that just hasn't worked. In the end, carrying around this kind of secret in him will only interfere with true intimacy between us, which is what I want out of this relationship. I think, sometimes, that that is the real "problem" with a porn habit - that it can create secrets, and secrets between partners create problems. In a way, I was hoping if I could determine that this wasn't an addiction, that it could be handled more casually, but, I see now that it's not going to work out that way.

Thanks for all the input!

I realize a lot of people have boyfriends and husbands that like to look at porn.

For the most part, I never thought this would be an issue for me as I've a fairly open mind about looking at porn (as long as it nothing illegal), masturbation to porn, etc.

However, I find myself in a situation with my current partner. We've been together about 1.5 years - the first six months were a long distance relationship, the past year we've lived together.

He's always denied looking at porn. When we were long distance, he had to rebuild his computer once due to virus issues, and when I suggested porn sites were a well known source of viruses, he denied ever having visited one. I believed him, as I had no reason not to, not that it was really an issue for me.

Once I moved in with him, I did notice that frequently, when I walked into this home office (he is a self-employed architect), he would be sitting at his computer but the screen would be blank (just the desktop, or yahoo home page, or just opening a new document or web page). Having previously worked in an office myself and knowing the routine, it seemed like he might be quickly attempting to hide what he had been looking at, but, again, I didn't think much of it, until, one day about 3 months after moving in, he was supposed to be looking up the weather (we were headed out for a hike), and I came back into the room and found him looking at porn. When he realized I'd walked into the room, he attempted to hide the the image on his computer screen with his hands, but clearly, I'd seen what was on the screen.

I was so shocked that I didn't say anything at that time, just pretended I didn't see it and went about my business. He quickly brought up the weather and didn't acknowledge anything either. About a week later, however, I decided I should talk to him about the incident, since I started to feel as though I didn't know him as well as I thought I did (having started out as a long distance relationship) - might he be a porn addict? We talked at length, and he explained that he had just clicked a link in some email spam out of curiosity at that time and was ashamed when I walked back into the room and tried to hide it. He was sorry we didn't discuss it at the time and thought it was very generous of me not to make him feel badly. He again denied using any porn, or being addicted, going as far to say that porn is "boring" and the women are "bimbo's" and claiming he is just not that kind of a guy. He has never deny enjoying viewing quality images of the female form (he is an artist, after all), but claims that porn "does nothing" for him.

At this point, I'm sure you readers can determine where this story is going. Sure enough, shortly thereafter, I discovered his porn "stash" on the computer. He'd left an image open on his computer (though minimized) labeled something like "doggy" - and since we have three dogs I clicked on it expecting to see a picture of one of the pooches. Yeah right. What I discovered was approximately 5,000 still images ( a lot of "sets") of naked women, high resolution images with a focus on the rear end. Not soft core porn, but not particularly hard core - but just a TON of images. Too many to really look at, since they all seemed quite repetitive in nature.

I did NOT confront him with my discovery because I didn't want to make him feel spied upon or further push him into hiding re his porn viewing habits or that I was attempting to control his behavior in any way. I have, instead, at different times, attempted to open up the conversation regarding porn with him so that he knows I'm not rabidly anti-porn, but, that I do want and expect him to be honest with me and to have a dialogue about this. However, he has reacted to all my attempts with denial - basically, his story is the same, that he never looks at porn, that the porn he has on his machine was installed by his brother at one time (when the brother was helping set up the machine and without his consent).

He now has a new computer, and I can tell from the web activity log that he views and downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis, typically in the morning as soon as he goes up to "work". He has rearranged his office so that the new computer screen is no longer visible upon entry to the room claiming the change was necessary to deal with glare issues (which has some validity).

I might also mention that he is 47 years old (I'm 37) and our sex life is just "ok". I would like to have sex more often than 3 or 4 times per month (I've expressed this to him), but, often he doesn't seem interested or claims to not be in the mood because of work issues. Rarely, he will initiate, often, I need to initiate. There has been some improvement over the last six month, but, still 2 weeks or more will pass with him showing little or no interest in sex with me. I wonder if the two are related.

I'm at the point in this relationship where we could get more serious - we've talked about some shared desires for a future together, perhaps even marriage. I do love and care for him very much, however, don't want to get more involved in a situation that will only bring me heartache.

As relatively open-minded I am about porn, I never expected to be with a partner who viewed it daily and maintained a cache of 5,000 or more images, downloading new images weekly, while denying he was that "kind of guy". I suppose, even more so than the porn usage, it's the lying and deception that he's perpetrated that I feel has and will continue to drive a wedge between us. As it is, I can't get anywhere near his computer without him posturing to have me leave, which, I can only imagine, he's afraid of me somehow discovering his porn stash. It's hard for me to imagine that he can't realize that I can "sense" his discomfort and that there is something not quite right.

How can I tell if he is addicted? I suppose it is only semantics - if it is making me unhappy then who cares if it is a true "addiction" or just a overly enthusiastic appreciation for images of naked women that still must be dealt with. But, since he refuses to acknowledge (to me at least) that even looks at porn, I really have no idea how much time he spends viewing the porn that he has downloaded and therefore, the impact it has on his productivity, or how he feels about it in any way, or if it could be an addiction.

I do know that he does NOT masturbate to the porn (at least while I'm around) which seems to be a bit unusual, and, I'm also fairly certain he isn't paying for porn - just downloading free-bee's that some sites give away. After reading some other posts from women, I wonder if the best thing to do is just to walk away and save myself years of struggle and heartache, be glad I discovered this prior to devoting years of my life to him, or, if this is behavior is perfectly normal and not indicative of an addiction - perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.
Well, you found out by "accident" just like me... When confronted, he admitted it and said he would stop... and did... I think... now I can't check into what he's looking at because he has learned how to delete it and everything he looks up... so, now I'm questioning what he is hiding from me. He, at 52, and me at 43, says he doesn't have much of a sex drive anymore. Together 20 years and still wondering.

Others can disagree but every time I hear about somebody being addicted to porn I also hear that they have a low sex drive. From some things I have read it has something to do with desensitizing them to where it takes more to turn them on. Sort of like getting tired of too much or quality vs quanity maybe---in a sense.

Well, you found out by "accident" just like me......When confronted, he admitted it and said he would stop.........and did...........I think...........now I can't check into what he's looking at because he has learned how to delete it and everything he looks up...so, now I'm questioning what he is hiding from me. He, at 52, and me at 43, says he doesn't have much of a sex drive anymore. Together 20 years and still wondering.Well at 52 I can say he is no longer 18 with raging hormones that interfere with rational thought...

Some guys at 52 will still have a healthy sex drive but many are going to be tapering down for any number of reasons... none of them are porn related.

From some things I have read it has something to do with desensitizing them to where it takes more to turn them on.

Couldn't you say the same thing about living to age 52? There are several things going on at that age. I suspect one starts to see themselves differently. In the "raging hormones" days, men pretty much do a quick eval of every woman they come in contact with... would I or wouldn't I. We think of sex first and it impacts the way we interact with women. Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but it is. I suspect women do the same, but they seldom admit it.

I their 50s, guys can't maintain the fantasy. Attractive women see them as "old farts". Men are sensitive to this. Plus, at the point where a guy has been past puberty for 30-40 years, there isn't much they haven't seen or at least heard about. Nothing much surprises them. The thrill is beginning to be gone.

Other factors can have an impact. Is the wife attractive? Is their sex life interesting? Is there stress in the job or the relationship? Has anything gone on between them that is a "put off"? It ought to be noted that a couple can be very much in love with each other with very little or no sex. It is possible for everyone to get there if they live long enough. For some people, the lack of interest in sex arrives earlier than for others.

I'm not saying any of this is germane to the porn question, but some of this might be an issue relative to the larger problem.

Short answer is that its not OK if its not OK with you.

Now for the long diatribe I seem to attach to all my posts after the quick hit.

When visual stimulation starts to potentially take away from the bedroom (time spent on porn), when it interferes with your sexual experience (you now mentally are worrying about something you aren't perfectly comfortable with), when it drives a wedge in the relationship (he is lying to you, you are feeling hurt)... it's a problem.

Porn isn't the primary issue here. It's a lack of sex/intimacy and being lied to. Porn is just a potential cause for distraction and the object of the lies. Certainly it adds insult to injury... its one thing if you get less sex because he is exhausted from work... its another if he seems to be fulfilling his mental desires elsewhere and then neglects you in the bedroom. If sex were fantastic and he were open about the porn, you might have some issues... but itd be a lot more tolerable I'm guessing.

You are really at the place where you either choose to stay and accept it to some degree, or you choose to leave. Sure... there are ways to track what sites he is visiting... but you don't need to do that... 5K images shows he is actively looking and deliberately collecting.

My grandfather had a stash of playboys years and years ago. Looking at images like this isn't new... its just evolved. Images are readily available, the selection is broad (pinup art to hardcore fetish), and the storage is easier to hide. You found the pics in that one folder... what about others? Hidden folders?

An "in-between" ill suggest from time to time is to find some interesting books about sex, sensual touch, etc... find something that seems interesting to you and share it. For ex, my partner discovered a good sex little book at barnes and noble about giving oral to a woman. That book contained (among other things) one little tip that changed her oral experience from her getting to orgasm most of the time in about 15 minutes to now always getting to orgasm and in less than 10 minutes. Point is... we found an interesting book, both read it, both shared ideas, and took it into the bedroom.

If you choose to stay, maybe you can engage him by finding reads on massage or sensuality to share.

If you decide to leave, you know you have nothing to feel guilty about. You want an intimate connection and you don't want to be lied to. OK.

Have you ever though maybe it could be you?
Maybe you need to think back when you guys first got together things that you talked about the way you wore your hair, and the way you dressed and most of all the way you looked at each other.
Maybe there is a little too much of the out doors.
Like you said you guys hiked a lot.
Maybe put on a nice dress and go out to a nice nightclub for the night would help.
Sometimes the same old thing everyday over and over gets old.
Maybe he does not see the woman in you anymore maybe he looks at you as just someone there to go on hikes with and there when he needs someone to talk to.
The porn is taking the place of something he had and lost somewhere in the past.
Why not meet each other on a date one evening and see where that takes you to.
Like I said something is missing and maybe you need to start with yourself first try getting out of thoes pants and thoes flannel shirts would be a start.
Don't give up on him he is still the man you once had he just lost his way.
Like someone mention find someone else is not the answer and more than likely that person is lonely and manless or has there own issues that need to be address before they give out advice.

Have you ever though maybe it could be you?
On itself that may be so, or not. But that's not the issue here. The problem is not that he watches porno. The problem is that he lies to his partner about that. Which causes lack of trust. And that destroys any relationship. THAT is the problem!
;)

Communication is critical to a healthy relationship.

So after a year and a half we find a glitch that needs to be dealt with. Glad you haven't over reacted and have sought out advice and opinions, as that's a good sign that your willing to work it out. He does need confronting though not for the porn, but for lying to you. I think you have to acknowledge you know about it, and are not upset over it, but strongly question his need to lie to you. Its important that any relationship be conducive to expressing one's feeling honestly, no matter the subject. I suspect its more sheepish shame, than addiction though, and you seem open minded enough to not give it more fuel than it deserves, so work on making him comfortable, telling you anything on his mind. I think another poster had a good idea, watching a movie together. That may relax him enough to put the lying to bed, and behind you forever. There will be many issues to deal with in the future and the way you handle this one will define the relationship either positively, or hurt it severely, so be thoughtfully with your actions, as you have already shown here. Good luck.

Just an aside, Addiction is defined as any action that is causing a problem in your life, that you keep doing, despite the consequences.

In your case, besides the lying, its not indicated at this time, nor does the evidence support such a conclusion, but reserve judgment until you get to the root cause of his lying, and whether it can be addressed.

Keep in mind while some women get so indignant (far more than you appear to for example) about a little bit of porn watching from their male partner at the same time see nothing wrong with hours spent on the phone gossiping with their lady friends or spending hour after hour shopping when they need nothing. See my point here, it all in perspective.

How would you feel if he started demanding you stop gossiping and calling your lady friends? How about if you started to do it at the office or when you didn't think he was watching? Starting to see the parallel here? No adult likes another adault to dictate what they do for fun particularly when its safe and doesn't consume large portions of thair day.

And I would venture that women's gossiping is far more harmful in many ways than some casual porn viewing by an adult male.

Now this is assuming its not a computer that children have acess to.

Thanks for all the comments.

Regarding the suggestion by a couple posters to watch a porn movie together as a way to make him comfortable sharing his porn "habit" with me - I don't know that that would be helpful. I base this on the fact he enjoys viewing photos and has few movies (maybe 100 or so) on his computer (which were probably copied to his machine by his brother like he said). In addition, there have been a two or three times when we were watching Cinemax (Skin-emax) together, and after 10PM or so they frequently broadcast porn movies. On a few occasions, we watched together for 10-15 minutes before he got "disgusted" by the bad acting and fake boobs and "bimbo's" and wanted to turn it off instead of waste his time. I behaved interested but neutral at the same time toward the movie so as not to influence his reaction, but it was definitely HIS desire to turn it off. I wondered if he wasn't comfortable with me watching this with him, or perhaps it was exactly what he said - fake boobs and weak plots lines of the "typical" porno doesn't do it for him.

As far as the suggestion that the issue could be related to "me". We spend a lot of time together. I'm sure "familiarity" affects our relationship in both good and bad ways. Certainly, familiarity is a given in ANY long term relationship, but, I don't think that it automatically leads to keeping secrets from one another or a desire for one partner to spend time secretly looking at porn every day. I think he's probably been engaged in this habit since long before he met me and has really nothing to do with me or how I wear my hair (I grew it quite long for him as he likes it), or what I wear (often skirts or something cute - no flannel in this wardrobe even though we both like outdoor activities). I have to believe he'd still look at porn even if I was 18 and posed naked for a living (I'm not and I don't).

I am trying very hard to not over react to this situation, however, I definitely go back and forth in my mind as to how serious a situation this might be. Unless you've been lied to for a year by your significant other, it's hard to describe the conflicted feelings this kind of secret brings about once discovered. He's the same person I loved all along - however, if he he has no qualms keeping this a secret then what else is he hiding? The answer very well might be "nothing", however, it opens the door to all kinds of doubts and possibilities I'd never considered before. The genuine feelings I have towards him become cynical whenever I think about how he quickly pretends to be emailing a client when I damn well know he was just downloading porn before I entered the room (this morning).

On the other hand, his life doesn't appear to be dominated by looking at porn 24x7, so, by some people standards, he's not "addicted", however, how do I know it isn't somehow responsible for his low sex drive (though, to be honest I have to report this has been a good week - 3 times in the past 5 days). I attribute this to the fact that I've been going out of my way to engage him by laying around naked, but, I still feel like we're always on the verge of slipping back into old habits of not engaging each other sexually for up to 2 weeks at a time, if it were left up to him.

His business has also suffered a serious setback that last 4 years - he claims it is through no fault of his own, which, knowing the vast number of variables involved in getting jobs (flaky clients, bad deals), I tend to believe him and not want to draw any connection to the porn "habit" (though 4 years ago was when his last live-in girlfriend moved out). However, a 50% (or MORE) decrease in income is dramatic - I can't know for sure it isn't related to a loss of motivation due to addictive behavior? It's not like he's be honest with me *if* that were the cause! Without any evidence, it's probably unfair to think this but the thought did pop into my head.

As far as the suggestion that this is somehow on par with spending hours gossiping with girlfriend - I get where you're going with this line of reasoning and I don't necessarily disagree that it may be applicable in some cases. However, I never had a chance to complain and "drive him underground" re his porn habit, since he's always denied it, before I moved in and after I caught him, and after repeating on several different occasions that I didn't think there was anything bad about looking at porn.

He does complain that I spend too many hours (we've even gotten in a huge fight about it one time) instant messaging with 2 of my very closest friends (both women I've known for over 10 years), which now, in retrospect I see as very hypocritical. Certainly, there is arguably more "value" to maintaining close personal contacts in life that there is to compulsively viewing close up images of a strangers vaginas hours on end. As I am new to this area (I moved here to be with him) I don't have a lot of friends locally, and these women are on par with sisters to me.

However, since "the fight", I don't message them or spend much time on the computer once he ends his work day, despite the fact that they mainly available during evening hours. I haven't EVER hidden the fact that I am messaging if he happens upon me doing so, and will even relate the conversations I'm having to him if I think he'd find them interesting. Believe me, if there was ever a reason for a person to hide an activity, I would be hiding this since it it blew up into an argument that had me looking at "apartments for rent" ads for a few days afterward. But, I don't hide it (though I minimize it around him) because I stand firm knowing that there is nothing wrong with spending time to stay in touch with close friends in whatever way I prefer, which happens to be instant messaging these days. There's nothing deceitful about modifying your behavior around your partner if some particularly behavior annoys them. It's not the same thing as lying.

It does not escape me that this particular behavior is so common amongst the male population that even if I decided to end the relationship, that the next one wouldn't also be similarly affected - which I suppose if they were up front from the beginning I would at least KNOW and could decide to accept or reject it depending on the parameters of use and wouldn't have to go through feeling so conflicted. I just haven't known before that I needed to quiz prospective partners on their porn viewing habits, trusting that if it were an issue it would be obvious, not hidden. (I guess that's a bit naïve - I must update my list of "obvious" questions to ask a date 1) Are you married? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 3) What are your porn viewing habits?)

I have to admit that I don't understand why (many) men tend to collect such a LARGE amount of porn and still need/want/like to download hundreds more (he's just about up to 20,000 images - the 5,000 I discovered was a while back and was probably an incomplete count). Perhaps someone can explain to me (I mean this seriously). I guess this would be less of an issue for me if he wasn't "actively collecting" - just had what he had and didn't feel like he needed to download more almost every day at risk of being caught by me. I can't imagine he even KNOWS what he has or can remember specific pics to go back and look at. The amount of porn perplexes me because it makes it seem compulsive, as opposed to having a purpose (for example, downloading a few hundred images to masturbate to). Porn is available 24x7 on the internet, and since your only going to look at a few hundred even in a 2 hour session, why do people need to collect so MUCH of it that it exceeds any useful purpose?

To my mind, it's not comparable to women owning 50 pairs of shoes or 100 purses (Imelda Marcos being an exception and she WAS mentally ill). Because shoes are occasion specific (as are purses), one needs multiple pairs, and even if you have pairs that duplicate each other in purpose (10 different high heels) there are usually differences in color, or fit (that you might not discover till after you purchase and wear it and are now stuck with an uncomfortable shoe so you end up buying another one). Even so, a woman could wear 50 different pairs of shoes in the course of a year if she rotated every 7 days. You'd have to look at 55 pics of vaginas and asses EVERY day to view all 20,000 in a year (and not be downloading any new). I guess this seems "reasonable" to some people, but, I have to admit to finding this a bit shocking and question how healthy it can be to be preoccupied to such a degree with images of genitalia, even if it's not preventing you from living a "normal" life, particularly if you are hiding it. Not that he's looking at that many a day (can't know for sure how many he looks at in a day), but you see my point.

No children has access to the computer in question.

I realize the only way to find my way through this mess is to confront him, focusing specifically about the lying, however, I can't completely ignore the quantity of images he has saved and the "active collecting" that is going on. I haven't decided how I feel about this yet - what exactly to say to him about the "quantity" but I definitely find something alarming about it.

I don't think that the Quantity of porn he has collected says anything about hid addicting. It is very similar to what you said about shoes... porn can be occasion specific, and even if you have porn that duplicate each other in quality and act performed, they can still be a different "fit". Just like wearing shoes, there is a different porn for different feelings, urges, emotions, and occasions. He may never know what it is that he wants to view until he downloads a bunch and rummages through them for the good ones.

I am not saying that he isn't addicted, but I am saying that I don't think it's as serious as you may be lead to believe.

Also, the lying is still unacceptable. If this was his habit, and he was still the truthful, caring, loving, sexual man you first met, then obviously it wouldn't be a problem. I honestly don't think you should confront the issue of "quantity" in speech with him, unless he starts to deny that he has "so much". Then you must prove it to him. Do talk to him about it consuming his time (if it does) and how it takes away from your sex life... even though from the sound of things you might not want to confront him on such a good week. :)

Could this be a sign as to where you need to focus on the communication side? Lying is unacceptable, but many couples keep their secrets, just to avoid a reaction from their partners, or to just do their own thing in peace. Guys use to fish, or go golfing, or something that doesn't involve the female, and have guy fun. With the internet, sky is the limit. (never had the net in my day, but did have a nice collection of porn cassettes, darn kids changed my whole life) but it was not unusual for healthy males, to have playboy in their garages, or stuck in the back of a closet, back in the day. For sure you could spend time worrying but a better option, is tell him you know and ask bluntly why he lied,


I must update my list of "obvious" questions to ask a date 1) Are you married? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 3) What are your porn viewing habits?)


Even though I laughed my a$$ off at that comment, nowadays its very true, and something to be asked upfront, and early on.

Well From a guys perspective its going to be nearly impossible to justify more than a couple handbags or more than 6-7 pairs of shoes. Besides... those cost a nice chunk of money cumulatively. While porn is free... plus with broadband connections (yeah I remember 1,200 baud modems extremely well) and when a 40 meg hard drive was normal. Back then the effort to get hundreds if not thousands of photos was quite high, and that many photos took up a big portions of those hard drives. Today you can get 500 gig drives for $100 and broadband internet is fairly common the effort to delete things from otherwise unneeded drive space far excedes the effort to get them.

In other words if he has a 500 gig drive, but applications only use 100 gig of that space , then why the issue if he has 500, or 500,000 pictures on it? Like you said... no kids have acess to it so that's a non-issue.

If as I understand he is self employed you can be damn certain the guys is seriously stressing over the 50% drop in work and income, I know I would be, because I've been there before. And you can be darn certain stress like this will affect most guys. Maybe not all, but a large portion particularly if that income is despirately needed.

From someone who found out and stuck around:
Porn is not all bad but when your husband or boyfriend develops an obsession there is nothing you can do about it, and unless they want to , they can't either.
I deal with this constantly, and now that we are married I can't back out. If you are thinking about getting out of it, and you still can withouth breaking yourself in two- then do it. Go, this probably won't get any better.

He is definitely addicted. It happens with porn much like drugs. You start slowly and then you have to have more and more...
If he has his fist and porn, what does he need you for? Dump the bum before even more problems develop (and they will to be sure). Regardless of how you look at the situation, this guy is a real jac*off.

Does it effect your sex life? I'm trying to stop looking at these things but I know now I have triggers, and that could be anything on the news, or something in a poster that suggests something to me. It is difficult but I try to avoid it. My lass doesn't know, I don't want her to know because I don't like it and it would only hurt I'm sure. She knows I like certain types of women and that I'm open about that, but we have been working on our relationship and that is motivation enough to work out of it. It if affects your relationship it has to stop or be curtailled. What are the triggers? If it's him heading up to his room without you, could you spend some time with him at that critical time some days?

I wonder how many women with closets full of clothes that can't go for a week without wandering the Malls looking for stuff they don't need.


If looking at more than a couple naked women is addiction then wantering the malls when you need nothing definitely is as well.

I thought it wasn't really a problem until I confronted him again about it by showing him something he had looked up... told him I don't care if he does. Just don't deny it.
Then, while being intimate, I realized that he could only stay hard when I was doing to him the thing he looks up... I questioned him and he got offensive... WHAT to DO?

Give him an ultimatum. That's really the only choice right now. Unless you want to try counseling, my guess would be he won't do counseling because he doesn't know there is a problem.

I thought it wasn't really a problem until I confronted him again about it by showing him something he had looked up.....told him I don't care if he does. Just don't deny it.
Then, while being intimate, I realized that he could only stay hard when I was doing to him the thing he looks up......I questioned him and he got offensive... WHAT to DO?

I think you both might have other issues that so far remain undiscovered and undiscussed. And he was being nice by not bringing them up. You might not be aware of what they are.

Then, while being intimate, I realized that he could only stay hard when I was doing to him the thing he looks up... I questioned him and he got offensive... WHAT to DO?
How did you question him? When? Bad sex is mostly communication, or the lack thereof.