I can’t believe that I’m writing this, I still don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I guess it’s time I did, so here it goes.

First, for anyone that knows me on this site, you all know that I strongly believe in safe sex for our teens, or better yet, abstinence. I’ve spoken my mind about this topic many times. I think it’s time to give all of you a better understanding about me, because I also post in the Adult sexuality threads and I think I might be sending a mixed message.

I realized that some of you might think that I’m being hypocritical, preaching abstinence when I myself did not abstain. The story I’m about to tell is something I’ve only told two people in my entire life, my husband and my best friend, now I’m telling all of you, I hope that I’m making the right decision.

I was molested as a child. I don’t know when it started; my earliest recollection is when I was five years old. I was molested by my 13-year-old female cousin. I will not go into detail about the abuse, it’s bad enough that I can recall it; I don’t want those images in anyone else’s head.

I never told my parents, or anyone, not until I was in my thirties and then I only told my husband and friend. My parents are both deceased, so they can rest in peace not knowing what I went through, it would have broken their hearts.

She (my cousin) was my babysitter, my parents trusted her, why wouldn’t they, she’s family. I do remember that I started crying allot whenever my parents said they were going out and that she was coming to baby-sit. Eventually they agreed to get a different babysitter, but I never trusted anyone, I always screamed when they left.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I don’t know if the rest of my life, or the actions I took in my life are related to what I went through as a child, but here goes. When I became a teenager I also became promiscuous. I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong, I only experimented with oral and anal sex, and I still considered myself a virgin, because technically I was. I didn’t feel anything for the boys that I gave myself to; I didn’t feel anything for myself either. I lost my “virginity” when I was 17, after that I settled down a bit. Then I turned 18 and I was raped. It was a friend of my ex-boyfriend, he did quite a number on me, I never told anyone that either, not until much later in my life. After the rape I once again became promiscuous. My motto was, better to give myself to them than for them to take it forcefully. I didn’t care what happened to me. Deep down I must have cared a little bit, because I always insisted that they use a condom. Still, condoms break, I was lucky.

I met my husband when I was 19 ½ years old, he changed my life. He never pushed me into anything, he was content just holding my hand, he became my best friend, and he still is today. Because of my hubby I have been able to “deal” with some of the things from my past, it’s still there, but I have a handle on it. I think the worst thing for me was the fact that my childhood molester was female, I couldn’t understand, even back then, why she would do that to me. I was never confused about my sexual orientation, it made me angry, hurt, scared that she would do this terrible thing to me. I think that I would have found it easier to tell someone about the abuse had my abuser been male, does that make any sense? The fact that she’s female made me ashamed, even though I didn’t instigate or willing participate in the abuse. I can’t explain this the way I need to, I hope you all can understand what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, there it is. A bit of background on me. I can’t believe that I’m actually considering posting this. I guess I’m ready to tell my story, and I’ve chosen to tell it to all of you. Please don’t think of me differently, I’m still the same person, not unlike the rest of you, we all have things in our past, I just feel the need to share mine with you.

I’m scared, should I post it? Oh well, here it goes. I hope you all understand.

Reluctantly Altenweg

Dear, Sweet Alty, (this post is a letter, just for you, not a post on a public forum)

My heart aches at your story and truly bleeds for your pain. Your loss of innocence at such a young age, your years of hiding, your reluctance to get close to people throughout your life because of such a devastating, horrific action, your insecurity, and your heartache.

I cannot say anything to ease your fears or soothe your pain except I love you. I love seeing what you've become despite this. Despite your pain. You rose above it and made a beautiful woman out of yourself. A woman who is standing, surviving, and even singing despite the pain.

You, my dear, are not just a friend, you're an inspiration. An inspiration to countless women across the world who were taken advantage of as a child. You, sweet Alty, are victory personified. You have taken the broken pieces of your life and have created a beautiful, Byzantine-worthy mosaic. You have taken the ripped pieces of bread and fed a multitude. You have exhibited strength of character and fortitude.

You my sweet are a hero. Truly.

You own nothing but my true and full support and respect.

Much love,
HChicky

I'm so terribly sorry that you went through what you did. I won't ever understand nor grasp the turmoil that you went through, but I offer you my deepest sympathy.

Like HC said, you're a strong woman who personify strength and courage. I am also glad that your husband was there to help you deal with this unfortunate incident.

Keep being you.

p.s. - is it bad that I think of you as my second mother? Yeah. Probably is. Let's go with... older sister. ;)

I agree with HC. Hero is just the right word. I don't know how many people you will have helped by sharing your experiences, but I believe it will be many. I also admire your strength in being able to deal with what you have been through.

The only thing that worries me is whether the cousin is still in a position to molest young girls or has she gronw out of it. And yes I believe a 13 yr old who molests a 5yr old can grow out of it.

Wow, this is not the reaction that I expected. I am not a hero, not by a long shot, but thank you for saying that.

HChicky and Sneezy, I should have known that your friendship wouldn't waiver, I love you guys too. Sneezy, definitely older sister, too young to be your mom.

Scott - Unfortunately my cousin hasn't changed. I don't see her often and she's never allowed to be around my children. The statue of limitations has definitely come and gone as far as the abuse that she inflicted on me is concerned. I don't know what would happen if I told my remaining family about this. Her mother, my aunt, thinks that the world revolves around her daughter, even if I am believed, they wouldn't do anything about it, this I know for a fact.

My cousin never married, doesn't have any kids, but she does have a niece and 3 nephews, thankfully she isn't on good terms with her brothers, she has no contact with those kids.

Even though she lives close by, I never see her. I can't, I'm not a good actor, I can't hide my hatred for her. Close family members have noticed the strain between the two of us, they've asked me why, I just change the subject.

Thanks again for your kind words and most of all for your support. I'm still weepy, this was the hardest post I've ever written in my entire life. My hands are still shaking, but I'm glad that I did it. No regrets.

Alty

You are a true alchemist, transmuting base metals into pure gold.

The definition of a hero in my mind is someone who overcomes obstacles with grace and fortitude, who makes a positive difference in other people's lives despite their own insecurities and failures, who truly stands - even when all they want to do is lie down and cry.

A hero isn't someone who leaps tall buildings and gets kittens out of trees.

A hero is a person just like you.

Alty, it takes a lot of courage to tell these experiences, but if ever there was a place to do it, I think it is here. You are a wonderful, strong, and loving woman. These certain things that happen to us, well I believe genuinely that they make us who we are. I understand, I so unserstand what you just told us, all of it, everything! As these things are more common as you may think. :)
You are on the right track, even though we go through our days like nothing ever happened, it is still in our hearts and it helps to just sayit out loud. You just took a good step to healing. I believe in you Alty!

HC is right on. The word hero is overused in this time In my opinion. When a guy like the NY cabbie who turned an abandoned baby over to the FD is referred to as a hero (even if his story had been true) that is ridiculous.

But it took courage to post what you did, and more importantly, you did it not to benefit yourself, but others who might gain from your experience. Yep hero is the right word.

I want to thank each of you individually for all the kind comforting words. I know that this is a step that I needed to take, part of me feels better that I finally told my story, the other part feels like that 5 year old girl again. Does that make any sense?

The scary part is that my daughter is 5. I look at her and think, all it takes is one person to destroy that innocence, that pure sweet childhood innocence. How can someone look at a child and even think about taking that innocence away? I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my children? It kills me inside to think that someone could do the same thing to one of my kids, it keeps me up at night. I know about the monsters that hide in the shadows, they better not try to come here, but how do I keep them away?

This post is a major step in healing yourself of the harms of your past.

All the friends here are supportive and emotionally behind you 100%,including me!:)

What was done was unconscionable on your cousins part and the other rapists' part as well, you didn't ask,nor deserve, any of that kind of treatment, don't believe the shame demon,it is only there to be your downfall.

I don't know you, but this is a great place to let it all out,, we are a supportive society in AMHD, and we would rather be friends with the real people than the ones living behind the pains of their pasts, as was stated earlier, the past is just that, the past, what you are today is a product of it, but it doesn't define us.

Keep up the great work cleansing yourself of the shame demon and live like you have never been hurt.

KBC

I want to thank each of you individually for all the kind comforting words. I know that this is a step that I needed to take, part of me feels better that I finally told my story, the other part feels like that 5 year old girl again. Does that make any sense?

The scary part is that my daughter is 5. I look at her and think, all it takes is one person to destroy that innocence, that pure sweet childhood innocence. How can someone look at a child and even think about taking that innocence away? I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my children? It kills me inside to think that someone could do the same thing to one of my kids, it keeps me up at night. I know about the monsters that hide in the shadows, they better not try to come here, but how do I keep them away?

Alty, you make total sense. ;)
There are so many steps we can take to protecting our kids from the "real" monsters. We can have friends over at our houses. We can drive them to and from where they go instead of having other parents do it. We can talk to our kids and tell them that there are such things, inappropriate touches, and words... AND she is so tiny yet, just let her have her opinions, her voice, her own personality so she is completely comfortable telling you what happens to her, good and bad. :)

I'm overly protective of my kids, the only people I ever trusted to babysit were my mom and dad, they both died in 2001, they never got to meet my daughter.

We hardly every go out, when we do my friend babysits, he's the only one I trust with my kids, he would give his life for them.

I don't want my past to influence their lives, I don't want them to grow up scared, but I refuse to let them grow up abused. I have a hard time letting down my guard, I'm always afraid that there is someone around the corner waiting to attack and take away that innocence, there's no getting it back once it's been taken from you.

I know that everything I've gone through has made me who I am, I can live with that, I don't hate who I've become, but I can't help but wonder who I would be had my past been different. I don't ever want my kids to have to go through that, but I know all to well that it can happen, it's happening to someone's child as we speak. This thought keeps me up at night, watching over my kids, hoping and praying for their innocence and that it will be their choice when to give that up, no one else's.

It's a scary world, how do I let them live in it and keep my sanity at the same time?

Alty, I wrote this a while back and made a thread in Mental & Emotional Health, but I'm not sure you read it. For me, the key to a balanced life is balancing the good and bad, the scariness and the shimmeryness, the light and the dark. You will keep your sanity because you are living the balanced life.

Here it is... for what its worth...

I wonder....

"Is it possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment, while still wrestling with the pangs of loneliness and heartache? Is it possible to be completely secure and desperately lost? Is it too far out of the realm of reason to wish upon oneself joy and sorrow? Is it necessary to understand the mysteries of the heart and believe in the possibility of redemption? I think not. For within my heart is joy and sorrow, happiness and irrevocable despair, contentment and desire. Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss. Did I simply define humanity? Is balance the great secret? If so, let balance reign in my heart, let it live in my soul, let it influence my emotions, let it rule my mind. For to be balanced is to be alive. I choose to be alive."

~ A HistorianChick original ~

Wow, HChicky, that was wonderful. Great, now I'm crying again. It's a weepy sort of day.

I should have done this years ago, HC your post says it all. I am full of joy and sorrow.

This post was necessary for me, I know that, but it was still hard and I feel like I'm going through the past all over again, but this time I'm seeing it through an adults eyes, not those of a child.

I'm relieved that I finally told my story, I'm angry that I didn't tell anyone when I was young. I'm glad that my friends are standing by me, and I'm sad that they have to know my pain. There are so many emotions going through me right now and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know what to do next, now that I've taken this step. More tears, and I'm not a crier.

I thought that posting this would be the end of it, instead it feels like the beginning, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Yes, it is just the beginning, but we are all here to lighten your load. You've trusted us to carry some of it and we will not shirk at the call of duty. Because you are our friend. We are all happy to carry a little of your load... and when we share the burden, we all can walk into the unwritten tomorrow with our heads high, our hands clasped, and our sights set on the shimmery future.

You know how I look at it. I am not going to put the kids in two car seats...
I guess that is as simple as I can put it. I have four kids that are protected, but I just can't see them not having good AND bad times, it is what makes us who we are. In life you don't really get to choose these things. True you can make choices to help keep you out of trouble, but sometimes the trouble finds you if that makes any sense.
HC, your post was wonderful, I feel it in my heart, thank you!

What would I do without you HChicky? What did I do without you?

Thank goodness that I found this site, it was a complete accident that I every ended up here, and boy am I glad that I did.

I'm mostly thankful that you all accept me for who and what I am. The past has made me, but it does not define me, I know this, but knowing it and living it are two different things.

I've got great support, my husband is the most wonderful man, he has helped carry some of the load, but I still feel weighed down. I know that this is the first step, I'm glad that I finally look it, I know that I will survive and go on, after all, I've been doing it for the las 32 years.

I can't tell you how much your support means to me, how much it means that when you offer to carry some of the load. Thank you, all of you, it means more than I can ever say. More tears, darn, I need more kleenex (joking helps me survive).

You've heard the song "Stand" by Rascall Flats, right? It is the embodiment of what you are. Listen to it if you get a chance.

What would you do without me? Well, thankfully, you'll never know :) Cause I'm not going anywhere! You're stuck with me, babe!

YouTube - Stand - Rascal Flatts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJXihzjGX9E)

I love that song, it says it all, and Alty you cry honey, that is a good thing.:)

That's a great song. Thanks for seeing me in it. Your faith in me is helping more than you can ever know.

Wow what a day. I think the coffee I'm drinking is automatically being reused as tears. That's allot of tears folks, I'm up to my 4th cup of coffee.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a brave and amazing person indeed! I'm so glad you have a loving husband and good friends to talk to about this :) By the way, you sound like an awesome mom. :)

Alt--This was NOT your fault.

I know you know that, but I'm reaffirming it to you. You did NOTHING wrong. You did NOTHING to deserve being violated.

You're right that this is just a beginning--you're acknowledging that you're carrying a load. Now you need to work out (perhaps with a counselor?) how to carry that load, and how MUCH of that load you really need to carry. I'm betting it's like a little kid's backpack--there's a WHOLE bunch you're carryign that you don't need to, at all. Clean it out, lady.

Lots of hugs to you--you're an amazing woman, and you just remember that.

Thanks Mafia and Synnen - I have been thinking about counselling, I just don't know if I can tell this story to someone who is sitting right in front of me. I was able to tell all of you because I didn't have to look into your eyes when I did. I'm going to check into it though, I know it would be a step in the right direction.

I also know that I have to unload some of my baggage, this post was definitely the first step in doing that, it isn't the last though, I've still got a bit of hill left to climb. I honestly feel like I did allot of climbing today, the top of that hill is in sight now, before this I hadn't even reached the hill, much less began to climb.

Thank you all for your kind words, they give me strength.

I'm overly protective of my kids, the only people I ever trusted to babysit were my mom and dad, they both died in 2001, they never got to meet my daughter.

We hardly every go out, when we do my friend babysits, he's the only one I trust with my kids, he would give his life for them.

I don't want my past to influence their lives, I don't want them to grow up scared, but I refuse to let them grow up abused. I have a hard time letting down my guard, I'm always afraid that there is someone around the corner waiting to attack and take away that innocence, there's no getting it back once it's been taken from you.

I know that everything I've gone through has made me who I am, I can live with that, I don't hate who I've become, but I can't help but wonder who I would be had my past been different. I don't ever want my kids to have to go through that, but I know all to well that it can happen, it's happening to someone's child as we speak. This thought keeps me up at night, watching over my kids, hoping and praying for their innocence and that it will be their choice when to give that up, no one elses.

It's a scary world, how do I let them live in it and keep my sanity at the same time?

Hi Alty,

You are so brave to tell it to us all after all this time.
As others have said you are in inspiration to anyone who needs courage.
Wonderful woman that you have become.


I too worry about my daughter a lot, you are not alone in that.
I am very much aware of the dangers and the chance of abuse happening,like you I wonder how could anyone even think it of an innocent child.

I have read of many cases of abuse in my own community and others too.It makes me wonder like you what can I do to protect mine.

Like Startover said the one thing I can do is be open and listen to what she says all the time.There are no guarantees,but being more aware must be an asset rather than a drawback I think.

Maybe I am overprotective too,but having heard of so many cases of abuse happening within families makes me trust only a handful to babysit my child safely.

I hope you find the strength within that has made you who you are, and may it become stronger as you climb higher up the hill.

FB - Thank you. It has been a changing day. Allot of it has been spent crying, but it feels good to get it out.

I'm still shaking from having done this. Wow, I cannot believe that I posted this. I cannot believe I openend this wound and let it bleed out. I'm still not sure if this was a smart thing to do.

Got to get rid of the infection before you can start to heal, doll. :)

I'm still shaking from having done this. Wow, I cannot believe that I posted this. I cannot believe I openend this wound and let it bleed out. I'm still not sure if this was a smart thing to do.
Alty, it was the right thing to do. And you did it well. You know, we sometimes hold things in and it feels normal to go through day to day without getting upset, mad, angry, sad, frightened...
To me when I say something out loud it becomes more clear, more real than if I just hold it in my own thoughts, just by writing your post is a step, then continuing to comment is another, you see? This is good for you and the rest of us. Just by your post, someone can see that you have gone through something that they have too and you are still going strong and so can they.:) So you go with whatever emotion this brings out in you, maybe even a smile or two to be proud of yourself!

I know that this is a healing step, but it still feels so weird, I never intended to let this out, I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I've been shaky all day. It helps that you are all here, it helps to hear that you're all still beside me. I hope it will get easier, I just don't know, this is 32 years of pain that I let out in a matter of minutes, maybe that's why I'm shaking, it didn't take long to write that post, I just let my emotions out on the page, it was almost to quick, it's scary. Am I making sense?

I can still smile and joke, you have all just let me be me. It does help to talk about it, there's still allot to say, but it's just all surreal to me, I can't believe that I did it.

I understand. :)
I bet there is a lot more to say and if and when you feel up to it, we will all still be here.
Everything is OK Alty, you just keep going and feel good about this post. 32 years of pain you said it all right there. Isn't it just time love?

Yes, it is time, long past due actually. I think it's hard because I've worked so hard to keep it in all this time, and today it just came pouring out. It's almost too much. It's weird, I'm feeling so many emotions right now, relief, fear, pain, scared, you name it, it's there, I didn't think it would be this hard, or this easy.

There are some things I will never disclose (at least I don't think so) I don't want those images in anyone's head, if I could get them out of mine I would. If I did get to that point I'd have to put a disclosure on this thread.

I'm taking it one minute at a time, one foot in front of the other, it's just still a bit new today, tomorrow will be better, I hope.

Thanks again to all of you, I wouldn't have gotten here without you, I'm glad I did it, and I'm not glad I did it, I'm everything today. Well, what did you expect, I'm a woman, we change our minds every minute.

I read this and I was wowed by your strength. You not only built a great life for yourself, you were also able to post this for so many to see and learn from.

I actually have my own incident that I don't think about much and only remembered after reading this. It's nowhere near as devastating as what you went through but it made me lose trust.

My dad was doing some computer work for an elderly couple as he had done several times in the past. This couple had become almost like grandparents to me as all of mine were gone before I was 5. One day, maybe I was 9 or 10, not sure, I was alone with the man in the living room and he started to put his hand down the back of my pants. He didn't get very far before I freaked and immediately went into the computer room and told my dad. Dad immediately said something to him but after that I was so scared of him. I haven't seen him in years but I know I'd still be uncomfortable if I saw him.

So more power to you, Altenweg, and hopefully your story will inspire other women to tell theirs. You will get through all of this. Things like this are difficult to tell, no matter how long it has been, but as everyone has been saying, it's the first step to healing. Good luck to you in that process and we are all here for you.

Thank you so much Blondie, I'm sorry to hear about your incident, thank God your Dad was there. I also know, from your other post, that Scott Gem is your Dad, you are very lucky to have such a kind caring father, always trust in him, he'd give his life for you.

I wish I could say that I wrote this to inspire others, it really wasn't that noble, I did it to find some peace within myself. Twenty, twenty hindsight, if it helps someone else or lets someone else realize that they aren't alone then I'll be glad, maybe the pain I'm still feeling will be worth it somehow.

Blondie - My kids are also without grandparents, mine both died in 2001, my husbands Dad died when he was 16, and his mother last March. My kids are 5 and 9. Just like your Dad would for you, I would die for my kids. I hope and pray that they can avoid anything like this. I would go through it all again, every day of my life if that would prevent it from touching my children's lives.

Thank you for your kind words, all of you, it really does help, I can't tell you how much.

Alt,

I agree with everyone else.
It had to take a lot to put this on here.
I believe that talking about it really is the only way to sort out feelings.

I too worry about my children.
Some people don't agree with me, but I flat out tell my children about the evil in this world.
I also instill in their brains that they have a voice and that their voice matters -
They exercises that right too lol;)

I hope that by you posting your story, a bit of weight was lifted off your shoulders.
From your posts, I can tell that you're a good mom and an extremely caring person.
You're strong and smart and I just know you'll figure this all out.
I'm glad you're not keeping it all bottled up anymore:)

Thank you AKAtrue - I do tell my kids about the bad things that can happen, not specifically, but in a way that their young minds can handle. I don't think that I'll ever be able to handle telling them what happened to me, not even when they are older, it would be to hard.

I'm glad it's out, I do feel like a weight has been lifted, at least slightly. I still have allot to deal with, that's what happens when you keep things in, but I think I've finally found the path that will help me get through this.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm an okay mom, goodness knows I make mistakes, just like everyone, no one is perfect. I just hope that my mistakes are minor and that, because of my experiences, I will be able to recognize the signs if anything is going on with my kids. My parents didn't, it wasn't their fault, and I didn't tell. If I had I know that my parents would have done anything in their power to not only stop my cousin, but get me the help that I needed, and still need.

I'm still a bit weepy, but I'm able to post now without crying, so that's a small step. Maybe it's because there aren't any tears left.

Good night everyone, thank you for all your support, I'm so grateful.

Talk to you all tomorrow.

Alty Out.

I feel the same way, I feel so ashamed of the abuse I got from a female family member, but the abuse I got from a male family member was okay to tell, of course not that okay but no huge shame as from a female.
No one I was able to tell about that female, she was young as well,

How the law handles kids abusing kids sexually?

A lot of women both on and off here have faced some scary times and I wish anyone who faced these things had the courage to talk about it like we have. Thanks for the greenie Startover but it was just the first thing I thought to do. I think my message to women who face "mild" incidents like mine and much more heinous ones like Altenweg's is tell someone right away or as soon as you remember, even if it is family or people considered to be family. It's never your fault, people like to take advantage of those more vulnerable.

It's true, and I know I should have told my parents, but I didn't. I was to ashamed, I didn't want them looking at me differently. I know now that they would have understood, I know they would have done everything in their power to help me get through it, but when you're young you sometimes feel that you have no where to turn.

The only reason I was able to post this is that I didn't have to look all of you in the eye. I didn't have to see your faces react to what I had to say. It's allot easier to handle the shame when you don't have to face anyone with it.

Eira - I'm so sorry that you had to go through this as well. It's strange isn't it, that the fact that we are female and were molested by a female makes such a big difference in how we handle the abuse. My heart goes out to you, if you ever need to talk I'm here, maybe we can help each other heal.

I'm now treating this thread like a Diary.

I've thought allot about this post since I wrote it yesterday, I'm still in shock over the amount of support that I received from all of you, once again, Thank you.

It's weird, I was thinking about this and I truly feel like two different people, the woman I am now and the child I was then, that child is a different person, somehow I haven't let her connect to me, become a part of me, yet she's always there. Even though I try to push her away, I don't want to feel her pain, I still find myself embracing her somehow even while I'm pushing. She's trying to get in and I've spent 32 years of my life pushing her away. Maybe the next step is to accept her as a part of me, let her have a voice, a voice that she couldn't find back then, I don't know.

I'm not able to explain in words how I feel, it's just all still so new, even though it's so old. Yesterday was a changing day, there aren't as many tears today, but they have shown up on occasion. It's weird to be crying over this, I haven't allowed myself to cry about it in a long time. That's allot of tears that I've been holding back, it's just strange that they all came pouring out when all I did is write down my story. Well, one step at a time.

I told hubby that I'd like to find a good therapist that I can talk to about this. It's time that I found a way to deal with this, to let it all out and find a way to deal with it. Obviously keeping it quiet for 32 years hasn't done the trick, it's time that I find out what will, it's time for me to give that little girl a voice!

I don't know you but you story is amazing. The fact that you didn't give in to the abuse and you stood strong is beautiful. In school when people ask you who your role model's are and people say madonna or britney spears they should think about people like you who share there storys or other real hero's

O_Troubles. Thank you, your kind words mean allot to me. I still can't believe how many people are standing beside me and helping me through this. Thanks.

Another Day, the weeping is slowing down to a level that I can tolerate. I talked to my friend today, the one that I told about this a long time ago. I told her that I posted my story on this site, she thinks that it will help.

This has been a very cathartic experience, I'm actually glad that I took this step, I really wasn't sure that I had done the right thing.

Anyway, I know you are all busy, I don't expect any replies. Take care all of you and thanks again to those that gave me the support that I needed. I'll update once in a while.

We love you Alty...

I'll never be too busy to chat if you need it. I'm a great mulit-tasker :)

I think you did the right thing Alty, is there more you would like to share love? If so then you already started this good process and if you want to finish it, you can just keep on going. It is good to type out your thoughts anyway, and if you wanted to add anything that would be fine too. You are doing good, and you are the type probably not to cry everyday but it does bring some long forgotten emotions up... let them flow if needed. You are really courageous, and please keep it up, IT IS GOOD FOR YOU!

Hi Alt -

You took a very brave step - very brave. And one in the right direction. Alt you really should keep going in that direction.

I was not sexually abused, but physically and emotionally. Anything that harms our spirit as a child, I just learned myself (last week in fact) really needs to be addressed.

Start slow, because I worn you, between the fear of opening up, and the actual pain, it won't be a party.

Get a journal. Seriously. I just got one yesterday and I write down how I feel today, now.

I always thought past pain, should stay in the past and it makes you stronger, gives you character and makes you grateful for the little things. All of which it does.

But what not dealing with it does also do (and having a wonderful husband is a blessing - and I thank God that you do, but, now be honest, how does it feel when hubby "hurts your feelings"? It's bound to happen, there men :) Just kiddn. But at least for me, as I am getting older, the pain is making me not be able to function. So now, I have to stand tall alone, knowing that my loving and wonderful husband and family and friends are there, but I have to heal the little girl inside of me. Have to.

I am more then sorry you went through this and trying to contain my anger. But I bet your cousin wasn't well herself. And you know what??

It's NOT about her, it's not about me, it's not even about wonderful hubby now, it's about you Alt. YOU and only you.

It's time to start healing you. Get a journal and consider a therapist.

Not saying that our situations are the same, or even that I am right but at least get a journal and write in it every day.

In my thoughts and prayers Alty.

Bless you and I am so proud of you - I truly am.

Thanks guys, Allheart I'm so glad you posted, I was actually going to send you a private message asking if you had read my post and if you found it so disgusting that you wanted nothing more to do with me. I should have know better, but I just feel so much shame and embarrassment. I can't believe that thought ever even crossed my mind. Alty bad.

I would like to start a journal, but I'm so afraid that one day when I'm gone my kids will find it. I don't ever want them to know about this, the least I can do is keep my pain away from them, they deserve that innocence, I don't want those skeletons to be revealed to them.

I did talk with hubby about finding a good therapist for me to talk to. I don't know if I'm ready to take that step, but I know that it would be a good thing for me to do.

I feel so weighed down by all this, more so these last few months then I ever have in my life. I think this is all weighing so heavy on my mind right now because my daughter is five. I look at her and think, wow, I was that age when this happened to me, I was that sweet and innocent, if it can happen to me, it can happen to her. That realization brought this all back. I really thought that I'd successfully buried it, but apparently I didn't dig deep enough.

Maybe it's time to let it all out, talk to a therapist and see if I can find a way to put this to rest once and for all. Or at least to find a way to accept that little 5 year old that I was and let her become a part of me, I never have, you see I tried to bury her along with the memories, I didn't want to admit that she is me, I think it's time I did.

Talking about this does help. And you are right Allheart, this is about me, it's time I realized that, it's also time that I stop thinking about the what if's and the could have beens and accept that there is nothing that I can do to change the past, only the future is in my hands.

Thanks All.

There is no shame in this Alty, you are not to feel ashamed. You can't, it wasn't your fault sweet heart. If you look at it in anothers view and not your own, like if it were someone else that this happened to, what would you tell them...
Then you tell yourself those very words, it will all turn around and I think it is definitely time you get it all out! Good luck and we are all here to back you. You get that journal and youhide it somewhere you and only you know where to look for it...

A therapist will help.

But so will keeping a journal.

I have a friend that has kept journals for YEARS. Every fall, she burns them. You don't have to KEEP the journal, though it's good to read back through and see how far you've come. But it's good to get your thoughts and feelings down for no one but yourself to read. You can also get a lock box that your kids can't get into, and just make sure that when you don't NEED a journal for yourself anymore, that you destroy it.

You can ALSO keep a journal online, password protected, and just never give ANYONE else the password. You can keep that journal completely private from the public and your friends, and use a username that can't be connected to you.

I think keeping a journal is a great idea. I've been sporadic about keeping one myself, but whenI do write, it's usually in the form of a letter to myself, or to someone that is hurting me somehow, or someone who thrills me (my husband has DOZENS of those letters) If, after a year or so, I re-read it and don't like it, or wouldn't want to say that to someone I love (or hate), I pull that letter out and burn it. The others I leave for people when I'm gone.

Alt.. you've taken the first baby steps through the door. Let that little girl out of her closet--she's been there long enough. A good therapist will help you with that, and many work on sliding scale fees.

Wow, when you said to give myself the advice that I would give to others that really opened my eyes. You're right, if I read this post and it was someone else other that me than my advice would be exactly what you all are telling me.

It's funny isn't it, I always have advice for others, it may not always be what they want to hear but it's always what I feel they need to hear, I'm not usually one to back down, yet I'm taking a backseat to my own problem.

Thank you Starty, that really hit home.

Synnen, you're right. I have left that little girl alone in the dark for far too long, and she's so very afraid of the dark. I've got to find a way to let her in so that we can both be the person that we're meant to be (no, I don't have a split personality, do we? Joke) I've been holding the door of that closet shut for so long, it's tiring, it's exhausting, I just have to let her out, and I have to find a way to accept her for who she is and was, after all she's a part of me, a large part of me, she is me.

This has all been so strange, it's like being hit by a truck, one that you saw coming down the road straight for you, and you've dodged and dodged hoping that you won't get hit, but you don't have the sense to get off the road out of it's path. I guess I needed to finally stop dodging, and even though it hurts, it was inevitable that I'd get hit sooner or later.

Your advice has been great, all of you, I honestly don't know what I would do without any of you, I'm so glad that I found all of you, I consider you friends, I hope that's okay.

Dear, Sweet, Alty... of course its OK. You've already been named a friend-o'-mine a long time ago... I think it was about 90 pages ago, actually.

I am so blessed that you'd call me a friend. Thank you for trusting us so much to share your secrets and unburden your heart. You truly are being polished and shined - I cannot wait to see the beautiful gem that results from your process of healing.

Much love

You guys are the best, and I can't begin to tell you how much you all mean to me.

Allheart, you should come say hi on HC's coffee, coffee, coffee site, it's always good for a giggle, sure keeps me going.

Thanks again everyone, one million thanks for all of your support, it really means so much, I can't say it enough.

Alty, I am so sorry. No never not ever. You hear me. I would have thought the same thing. And I will tell you just where I was I promise to the heavens or why I didn't reapsond, but this is

Alt time and you were in the best of hands. I love you -

I am so releieved that you now know it was more of a matter of me arriving so to speak, and no refelction on you whatsoever.

Be proud of who you are and shine.

Get that journal and heal that girl.

Okay Alty. I love you. 4 Ever.

P.S. AND BY THE WAY... NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE Anyone the right or privilege to judge you, persecute you, treat you poorly or think of you poorly, for they are not worth having that control.

That is yours. DO NOT GIVE IT AWAY.

Sorry for the Caps :)

Uh, Allheart, you know kung fu? If you don't then thank goodness cause you are scaring me...
You are such a sweet genuine woman Allheart. AND you are right, we should never let anyone jusdge us or treat us poorly! You are so right!

Thanks Start - but when I care for someone, and I feel their pain... my tongue is the only weapon I need.

:).

But it's true.

Thanks Start - but when I care for someone, and I feel their pain...my tongue is the only weapon I need.

:).

but it's true.


And it sure does work!
Alty, did you hear Allheart? :)

Hi all, sorry, I took a little nap with my daughter this afternoon, I haven't been sleeping well for the last few days.

Oh Allheart, you sweetheart, I don't know why those silly thoughts popped into my head. I'm usually such a confident person, but the last few days have left me wanting.

Is it okay for me to say this? I love you guys, you are true friends, I wish so much that we could meet at Starbucks every morning and talk in person, but the fact that you are all in my life is enough. I'm so grateful to all of you and for all your words of comfort and wisdom, you are all wonderful people, the cream of the crop, and I am proud to call you my friends.

Dear Altenweg,

I don't think I can say much more than everyone else that has given their support has said. Your story made my heart ache for you, and I'm so sorry that you had to live with your pain for so many years.

I think by telling us your story, you just may have convinced some 'other' stubborn people to not be ashamed or embarrassed to go talk to someone about the things that haunt them.

I have my own story too, and just maybe it will give me the nerve and the push I need to talk to someone about it, so it doesn't have to be a part of my daily thoughts.

Allheart convinced me to go out and buy a journal too. I might need a case lot, but oh well ;)

My heart is with you, and I support you, as all the others do.

God Speed!

Starbuck - Thank you so much. If and when you are ready to tell us your story, we'll all be here to listen.

Like I said so many times already, writing this was really hard, probably the hardest thing I've done, but boy does it feel good to get it off my chest. A weight has been lifted, the burden really isn't as heavy as it once was. It's still there, but lighter.

Thanks again, and take care.

Alt, I can only imagine how hard that would have been to write the letter. Something told you it was time. I'm so happy that the weight on you chest has lifted a bit, and that there are so many people here to give you a shoulder when you need one.

One of these days I might get up the nerve to tell my story. I just closed another chapter of my life, so one of these days it might be time to share the book, so to speak.

I wish you all the luck in the world to be able to put this in a place where it doesn't weigh you down anymore.

No thanks necessary, but you are welcome. Take care of yourself!

And if I may pipe in... just getting to know the two of you Alt and Star... the huge good hearts the both of you have, be darn proud of the people you are today.

You both truly touch my heart... You both are special... and nothing, not yesterday, today or tomorrow, could ever take that away from either of you.

Hugs and kisses.

And if I may pipe in....just getting to know the two of you Alt and Star...the huge good hearts the both of you have, be darn proud of the people you are today.

You both truly touch my heart....You both are special....and nothing, not yesterday, today or tomorrow, could ever take that away from either of you.

hugs and kisses.

Thank you sweet girl. You helped me a lot to get through this week and I'm forever grateful to you for that. :) Your words gave me the guts to walk in and kick some A$$, and get a little justice for myself, even though it wasn't the best outcome I had hoped for.

Hugs and Kisses back at you!

Just found this post, and am amazed at the strength and courage, you have to overcome what you have, and be the person you are. Simply freakin' amazing, and a testament to what people can do with their lives, and my compliments on your choice, to be here for others.

Thanks Tal - That means allot.

It's weird, I still get weepy when I re-read my post, but the tears aren't gushing out anymore, it's more like a steady drip. That's progress.

News, I am going to see a therapist next week, I'll let you all know how that goes. I'm nervous about it. I don't know how well I'm going to do looking into someone's face and telling my story. Maybe I can just print my post and hand it to him. That would be easier.

Allheart, Star, Tal and everyone else - You are all so sweet. This site is amazing, filled with amazing people. I'm so glad that I found all of you and that you all accepted me. It means allot to me to be a part of this community, it really does. Thanks again for your kind words, they give comfort that is sorely needed.

Ohh Alty that is great! And you know, this has been an eye opener for me, a good one!
Great idea to pring this off, only you will want to add anything you didn't here to it...
You made progress the first day you posted, and will still... You go ALty! Great job!

Thanks Starty. And thank you so much for being here for me. You truly are a remarkable person, you really, really are, I can't tell you that enough.

If I'm going to print this off and give it to the therapist, I'd better re-check it for spelling errors, don't want to look silly.:)

Hi Alty,

I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could reach through the monitor and give you a tremendous hug. You are so wonderful, and just know how proud I am to know you, and how proud I am of you that you are able to confront these things. I am so happy that you have a wonderful husband, and a sweet little girl. God Bless YOU and may have happiness always!

Love, Starlite (Karen) XOXO

Oh Starlite aka Karen, thank you so much for the heart felt post, it means allot. This thread was very cathartic for me, and I've made allot of progress since I wrote it, largely because of the people on this site, they're all such wonderful people.

I have a wonderful family, two wonderful kids, many wonderful pets (which keep me busy) and allot of wonderful friends, it helps tremendously.

I love your quote, and it is so true. I guess I'm able to handle it, although some days I don't think so, but so far so good, one step at a time, sometimes a step backwards, but most days I'm moving ahead.

Thanks again.

Alty aka Andrea :)

I want to thank you so much for sending me this link I never thought anyone would understand
Or now how I feel

Hi Missunloved,

Welcome to AMHD! Everyone here is so great, as you will find. What's going on in your life that brought you to us?

Growing up I was abused mentally and physically also sexualy and I'm just so confused about life and everythin I just need someone to talk to

I'm so sorry that all of these things happened to you. Nobody deserves to ever be treated like that, especially by people whom we should be able to trust. How old are you now?

I'm 17

Are you still being abused? If so, honey, by who, and do you live where you are being abused?

I am not anymore only mentally now they stopped that when I was 14 and got old enough to know it was wrong
I was abused by my dad, 2 older guy cuzins, my sister, and 2 younger but bigger guy cuzins
They all hit me and sexually did stuff to me to
Well my dad didn't do anything sexuall he just liked to hit me and shove me around and think it was OK but the rest all abused me sexually or raped me

i am not anymore only mentally now they stoped that when i was 14 and got old enough to know it was wrong
i was abused by my dad, 2 older guy cuzins, my sister, and 2 younger but bigger guy cuzins
they all hit me and sexually did stuff to me to
well my dad didnt do anythin sexuall he jsut liked to hit me and shove me around and think it was ok but the rest all abused me sexually or raped me

Honey, I am so sorry. Well as you know, this wasn't okay at all for any of them to do. NO WAY! Is there a way you can move out of where you are to get away from them? Also, have you even been to counseling?

Dear Altenweg,
I am new at this site an by chance I read your story. Extremely sorry to read this. But I am not agry with--------
The scary part is that my daughter is 5. I look at her and think, all it takes is one person to destroy that innocence, that pure sweet childhood innocence. How can someone look at a child and even think about taking that innocence away? I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my children? It kills me inside to think that someone could do the same thing to one of my kids, it keeps me up at night. I know about the monsters that hide in the shadows, they better not try to come here, but how do I keep them away?---------

But think it positively. I have faced many dark shades in my childhoods that scares me. But I am at a height where I can fought for anyone not for my child.

You are a mother and in India we says a mother can do the greatest of this universe for her child is "SafeGuarding". He can die but can not bear to harm anyone her child's.

If any problem please ask me personal I would be there with you not as a friend nor as a stranger but as Yourself.

Thanks

God would lead your way I assures that. This is a command from god's child.

Honey, I am so sorry. Well as you know, this wasn't okay at all for any of them to do. NO WAY!! Is there a way you can move out of where you are to get away from them? Also, have you even been to counseling?

No there is no way I can leave I'm not allowed to leave they won't even let me go to collage if its more than an hour away it feels like they always have to be in control of me
I haven't been to counseling either

You need to somehow get out of there. Can you stay at a friends house? You are 17, I'm not certain of the legal age where you don't need parents consent where you live, but in NY it is 17. Also, you need to see a counselor. They can also help in getting you out of there.

I'm afriad its just scary to leave my mom and brothers I don't want to leave I just want them to stop and I just want to forget everythin I don't wannna get anyone hurt or be hurt anymore

They are the ones doing the hurt, not you. You need to really get away from what they are doing to you.

im afriad its jsut scary to leave my mom and brothers i dont wanna leave i jsut want them to stop and i jsut wanna forget everythin i dont wannna get anyone hurt or be hurt n e more

Honey, you will get more help with your problem if you start your own thread. More people will see it. Right now this is hijacking Altenwegs thread. If you just go to the top of this page, and click on mental health, it will say "ask a new question." You can explain your exact situation in your question, and you will get more help that way, okay? We want to help the best we can, so if you can do that, it will be best. :)

I don't mind Starby, but you're right, she will get many more responses on her own thread.

Missunloved, what you are going through isn't right, nor is it legal and it must stop.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with what I went through and many days I still think too much about it and let it rule my life. I've come a long way though, but I didn't do it alone.

You really need to talk to a professional, someone who can listen and be there only for you. You'd be amazed how much talking about it, opening up to someone, helps.

We're all here for you, whenever you need us.

I don't mean to disregard what is going on with you missunloved, I just read through this post and have to say something.

Alty,

I am so glad you have found the strength to let the little girl out of the dark. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I would just like to say, in regards your fears of judgment: I have always enjoyed reading your posts (and believe that you were one of the first people I 'met' on AMHD) I have always found your posts eloquent, uplifting, realistic and heartfelt. You were already pretty high up on my respect-o-meter but knowing your strength, determination and grace under gross pressure has only increased you in my esteem.

I cannot commend you enough for having the ability to be the true phoenix.

You have arisen from the ashes a truly beautiful person, kudos.

I don't mean to disregard what is going on with you missunloved, I just read through this post and have to say something.

Alty,

I am so glad you have found the strength to let the little girl out of the dark. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I would just like to say, in regards your fears of judgment: I have always enjoyed reading your posts (and believe that you were one of the first people I 'met' on AMHD) I have always found your posts eloquent, uplifting, realistic and heartfelt. You were already pretty high up on my respect-o-meter but knowing your strength, determination and grace under gross pressure has only increased you in my esteem.

I cannot commend you enough for having the ability to be the true phoenix.

You have arisen from the ashes a truly beautiful person, kudos.

Wow, you just made me cry, thank you so much for those wonderful words. Wow! :)

I can honestly say that I've come a long way since this thread was started, but still, whenever I read it, I feel like that little girl again. I'm a work in progress. ;)

What's truly amazing to me is how many people have gone through something similar, that's a very sobering thought.

This site and the people on it have been a real blessing to me, I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

Big hugs. :)

Oh I knew you wouldn't mind Alty. I just thought it might get more attention if she started another thread. I just wanted for her to get all of the help that she could.

I think this is a horrible situation you are in missunloved. I hate for you to even think that you are so unloved. You don't deserve any of this abuse, and I want you to be able to get out of this bad situation that you are in. We will do all that we can to help, and give you any resources we can.

I sure hope you didn't think that I meant to go away, or that Alty wouldn't want you to voice your feelings here. Just the opposite. I just wanted for you to be able to get more people to support you. We want to help you honey.

I'm sorry if I came across to you the wrong way sweetie. You need to get away from these people who are hurting and abusing you like this.

Alty,
I cannot commend you enough for having the ability to be the true phoenix.

You have arisen from the ashes a truly beautiful person, kudos.

Had to spread the rep neverme but that was a nice post. She is pretty special isn't she :)

Don't you be getting a big head on us now Alty :cool:

Had to spread the rep neverme but that was a nice post. She is pretty special isn't she :)

Don't you be getting a big head on us now Alty :cool:

::blushing:: gosh, gee, M, you're so sweet. Thanks :o

::blushing:: gosh, gee, M, you're so sweet. Thanks :o

Oh you know we all love you to death! You have a great big heart!


http://www.postsmile.net/img/35/3537.gif (http://www.postsmile.com/)

::blushing:: gosh, gee, M, you're so sweet. You sure know how to make a girl blush :) Thanks

It's a special talent Alty ;)

Its a special talent Alty ;)

Well, I love it. :)

Not many men can make me blush dear. ;)

I think you are a very brave and caring woman and I am sorry that you had the past you did.
Thank-you for sharing your life with us,the good and the bad.
You're a beautiful girl and I have this motherly urge to reach out an give you a hug!
God Bless you sweetie... BIG HUGGS
Michele

Wow Alty, I'm just now seeing this thread and find comfort in your strength. We've all been through something but you never know what someone has dealt with until you take a moment to talk with them.

Thanks for your courage and hopefully someone will see this thread and be inspired to blow the whistle on their abuser. If someone is helped from seeing this then your effort was not in vain.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Thank you for your strength, your courage, your wisdom, and your compassion.

Thank you most of all for sharing it with so many others on this site. We all know that for all of those who ask questions and seek answers, many more are silently reading... hoping and longing to know that they are not alone, and that they too can be strong and wise, couragous and compassionate.

I hope by sharing, you find more healing... :)

Thank you for your strength, your courage, your wisdom, and your compassion.

Thank you most of all for sharing it with so many others on this site. We all know that for all of those who ask questions and seek answers, many more are silently reading.....hoping and longing to know that they are not alone, and that they too can be strong and wise, couragous and compassionate.

I hope by sharing, you find more healing......:)

artlady agrees: This should be our new sticky to help our precious girls from making bad decisions.I think girls listen more than boys.I hope:)

Boys next.My sons are very respectful to women but some are not .

Let's put together a manual for young men and show them how to have a relationship.

No one gives them much advice that is real. Young men are totally clueless so we tell them the truth. Hay maybe we will end up on OPRAH :rolleyes:

Take your meds and pray

Wow, you just made me cry, thank you so much for those wonderful words. Wow! :)

I can honestly say that I've come a long way since this thread was started, but still, whenever I read it, I feel like that little girl again. I'm a work in progress. ;)

What's truly amazing to me is how many people have gone through something similar, that's a very sobering thought.

This site and the people on it have been a real blessing to me, I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
Go Take Your Meds!
Drama Queen Get Over It, Expert @ puppies/dogs and now People oh here you go how about praying
Big hugs. :)

Take your meds and pray

What? You first! If you have nothing useful to add to a thread then don't!

I just came across this thread today. I'm so sorry you had this burden with you all these years Alty. On the other hand, I'm glad you found the courage to tell your story. I think that is why we are here. To help each other carry our heavy loads. It gives me a sense of peace to know that the big hearted, high quality people that responded to you post are "out there". In this world and in cyber space. It's nice to know there are people out there who "get it".
They get the fact that we are all in this together and we should be able to depend on each other when we are feeling down or burdened by something. Good job friends!

I've only just come across this thread too.
I really don't know what to say.
You are one of the bravest people I know Alty.
You know we all love you here (except for that one jerk) and I'm glad you found your hubby.
Hard life - Happy ending :)

Wow, hon. You are very brave to share this with us. Thank you for trusting us with it. I know how you feel, I was raped when I was 11 and when I became a teen I was very promiscuous as well. I never felt sex, I just said my abcs in my head till it was over *blush* but still I went after it. It led me to the worst types of people. My daughters biological father was very sexually abusive to me and thankfully I didn't marry him and got away from him and met my husband who is so wonderful. We have been married for 3 years and it still amazes me when he says 'its OK if you don't want to make love tonight'

Thank you so much for having the courage to share this with us hon. I hope I can speak for everyone here when I say that I feel so special to be let in that very private part of your life.

*hugs*