Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now.
We both live alone separately. He lives alone in a house completely rent free that he inherited. He does not work, lives off welfare as well as money he gets from his family although he denies this. Yet he seems to live comfortably notably better than me.
I on the other hand work in a family business and I live on a very small income. I am barely able to get by on.
My problem is that very soon the family business will close do to retirement. That is my family member who owns this business will retire. When this happens I won't be able to live in my apartment unless I get another job right away.
My boyfriend has no intention of living with me and says that he shouldn't have to pay to be with me. He never takes me out or hardly spends any money on me.
I am worried about my future financially and losing my apartment.
He never spends any money on me.
The only time we get together is on a Saturday night where he will come over and watch some TV. Sometimes he will bring me a chocolate bar. I told him that I need some financial help but he says that he owes me nothing.
Yet he expects oral sex from me when he comes over.
I have stopped the oral sex because I find it repulsive and degrading. And I feel that I should be compensated for this.
If I complain he breaks up with me and then I cry for him to come back and he does because he knows he will get it for free.
I know that once I am unemployed even temp. my resentment towards him will grow into hatred and that due to financial I will be forced to look for someone else.
I would like your opinion on this...

Hi Mupine 67,
I feel bad for you but based on what you said I put together a few thoughts that might be helpful. Since this guy lives on family money and welfare then he has no problem taking whatever he can. I mean who gets welfare when they are able bodied? Users and unscrupulous people. Also remember some people will treat us just as badly as we allow them to and it seems that he has pinpointed your threshold perfectly.

From what you said I think he's a people user and really doesn't care about morals or right/wrong but just meeting his needs.

I just believe that he has treated you that badly because you have let him and you have the power to stop that. Can you change him into a caring, sharing, loving fella. Nope. Can you change a cat into a dog? Nope. He can change himself but you can't change him, you don't have the power. You can stay and accept who he is and how he treats you or you can get him out of your life.

Do I think he's obligated to help with your bills. No. If I was in his shoes would I help with your bills? Yes but that's who I am. In other words his poor treatment of you is a reflection on his lack of character but you have allowed it for a long time. If I was you I would cut my losses with this guy, stop being his Saturday night date and focus on where my next job is going to be. Put your energy into what you need to do and you will be okay but don't look to him to help you because I don't think he will help you and you will only feel worse when he doesn't help you.

And the next time you think about dating someone take a look at how he interacts with the world. Is he a user, a giver, hostile, a door mat... etc. How he moves through the world will tell you something about who he is. If you want a man who is loving and caring find someone who engages in loving and caring acts in the world, not someone who lives on welfare because he can.

I feel your pain but just remember when you come out the other side of this storm and have survived it well because you took control and became pro-active... surviving is just that much sweeter and the next storm isn't as rough.

Lol, sometime I don't understand people at all, if you think you should be compensated for oral sex then maybe you should find another line of work that deals with that!! Now I do agree to him taking you out and paying but your bills are your bills... you need to find someone that will care and respect you for the person you r, not for what you do!!

And your problem is.. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend has done absolutely nothing wrong (except maybe welfare fraud, but that has nothing to do with you per se.) He doesn't owe you anything financially, regardless of what you may do or have done for him, sexually or otherwise, and you likewise owe him nothing financially, sexually or otherwise. There's a 5-letter word that doesn't have a very nice connotation for people who exchange sexual favors for financial "compensation." I'm not saying that that's what you are but the tone of your post comes perilously close to that. When you say that "due to financial I will be forced to look for someone else" it seems like you look for men not as boyfriends but rather as sugar daddies. As long as you remain in that mindset you're never going to be a happy person.

Hello mu:

I don't understand closing a profitable business... It's kind of like throwing money away... No, it IS throwing money away.

Why don't you buy it from your family member?? That way he'd get some money, whereas he wouldn't if he closed it, and you'd have a shot at making money too.

If not, I'm sure you can find someone who'll BUY you dinner for a little head.

excon

Compensated financially for oral sex? Is this guy your boyfriend or customer? I hope I interpreted that wrong. Anyway, I think rachel101 and youcantstop48 hit the nail on the head with this topic. This guy is not obligated to help you out financially at all. However, this guys seems like dead weight and is not going anywhere. I think you should cut your losses and find somebody that you deserve.

Also, excon brings up a good point, why don't you attempt to take over this family business of yours?

Your options are simple, charge enough to live well, or get a more generous b/f. Or you could get a job, and support yourself. Why blame him for getting the cow for free. I think your just jealous because he doesn't work, and you have to.

mupine67 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/mupine67.html) disagrees: One of the reasons God gave men testosterone is to give them the drive to work!
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/mupine67.html)
Where does it say he is supposed to be helping you, and why are you still there if he doesn't?? Get a job, and leave him alone.

mupine67 disagrees: One of the reasons God gave men testosterone is to give them the drive to work!

I have plenty of testosterone... I have no "drive" to work... I work simply because I must, so that theory doesn't apply at all...
Anyway, you can't expect someone to pay your bills, imagine that you didn't have a BF, you'd have to take care of yourself, now wouldn't you? He's just looking out for himself financially... there's nothing wrong with that, its not like you guys are married.

As for never taking you out... he's cheap... deal with it or get a man who isn't cheap.

If you believe that testosterone business then doesn't it follow that God gave women estrogen to compell men to work?

I'm having a hard time with the concept that men are here to work. The Dali Lama says we are here to be happy and I'm with him on this one.

It's up to each of us to put in the labor and build the life we want. There's no free rides Mupine. He who has the $$ has the control so you can try to ride on someone else's dollar and give them all the control or you can earn your own and control your own life but if you think you are owed anything along the way you will have a hard disappointing path.

A lot of women do this unspoken thing in a relationship and the unspoken part is: "I'll fill your needs and you'll take care of me". To a lot of women 'Taking care of me' usually encompasses keeping a roof over head, keeping food on the table, and making sure all my needs and whims are met and while doing all this you better communicate and be loving all the time. Then women are angry when the men don't hold up their end of the bargain but what many women fail to realize is that the bargain was only in their head and it just doesn't work like that. I've found that the way it really works is that if you get a good guy he will do his best to be a good partner. He will be faithful, hardworking and honor you in loving ways and he will expect the same in return. He will expect you to be hardworking and contributing to the dream as well and you should want to work hard and contribute if you have a healthy attitude.

If you're just looking to be supported by a man then you're planting rotton seeds that won't bear fruit.

After reading your post I wonder how or why you consider him a boyfriend. He doesn't take you out or spend money on you. He doesn't care that you have to struggle to get by.

Dr Phil tells us 'we show people how to treat us" and it sure works here. You have shown him that nothing is expected of him, and that you will be there to cater to his sexual desires whenever he wants. Even worse, when he ignores your pleas for assistance, he leaves and doesn't return until you beg him back.

What have you taught him? That you're a doormat and so needy a man can treat you any way they want to. Stop it!

Change what you're doing and find a new man.

I say get out... Find a good job (or like said before, buy out your family member) Find yourself a good guy so to speak. Remember in any relationship... you get what you give... if your relationship is an movie at home once a week and then some oral... well he did bring you a choclate bar. You must be even!
Mike

Get another job and another man. This guy is a jerk and you have allowed him to be a jerk to you. If he won't even buy you a candy bar, he certainly is not going to help you out in a time of need.
And after 4 years of dating someone they feel they don't owe you anything, would not even be willing to lend a hand, you never had this guy in the first place.