There is a man I casually know, a friend of my husband's. I don't see him much, but recently he has started to pay attention to me. He is also married. He started coming around when I was working, and would stand next to me, very close. He calls occasionally, for little reasons. He always speaks to me when I am around. He says little things about my husband, lfor instance "if you have the looks and the brains, what does he have?" He is always looking at me when we are together and whenever I move away from him, he quickly turns to watch me. He is in law enforcement and once while questioning a suspect in front of our store, right in the middle, he turned around, smiled, winked at me and said "hi". He came to our house the other night very late because we had called to ask him a question, and instead of answering on the phone, he came all the way to our house and ended up staying 2 1/2 hours, while he was supposed to be working. I noticed that when I walk past him, if he needs to move for me to get past, he is reluctant to do so. He also was noticeably "stroking" the table while he sat across from me. Is this guy just harmlessly flirting, or does he have serious intentions?

Is this guy just harmlessly flirting, or does he have serious intentions?
You're joking right? This guy is dangerous. Geez girl. If you continue being nice to him don't you think he feels like maybe you want him to. Smell the roses. I hate dudes like this. I see this all the time at bars. They are like sharks. Swimming around until they see a piece of meat then they go for the kill. Look out girl. Just my opinion.

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!

It all starts this way and one evening your spouses will be unavailable, and you'll have a glass of wine together, and oops, he'll have his arm around you. Shall I go on, or have you seen a few movies on the subject?

He's a flirt, but it will most likely NOT stop there unless you tell him you feel uncomfortable about this. It will feel strange at first, but you'll sleep better once it's out in the air.

To be safe, you could say: "I feel strange, and please forgive me if I'm wrong, because I've never felt this way, but are you flirting with me? If you are, then please don't as this makes me very uncomfortable and I'd like to stay friends" This will not outright accuse him, and will also give him a chance to laugh it off. But believe me, he is a wolf in sheepskin.

If you let this go on, you will be in a trap that is hard to get out of, so act as soon as possible.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_158.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN) Beware!

Chery knows what she is talking about. Nice post chery.

There is something I should have probably mentioned... I am very attracted to this man (ugh)

There is something I should have probably mentioned......I am very attracted to this man (ugh)


Tell this man point out to keep his distance and not to come around.

If it does not stop, tell your husband and don't go around this man.

He is trouble and danger.

There is something I should have probably mentioned......I am very attracted to this man (ugh)
Attracted to this man. What! Are you sure. Because he would do the same to you. Hello. If you're with him he has other women he is checking out. Come on look at what's going on here. He says, I will treat you better, spend more time with you, etc. he want to get into you pants.

Are you attracted to hima and his personality? Which doesn't say much because he sounds kind of creepy. Or are you attracted to him because he is giving you attention and its kind of thrilling? Don't confuse the two. I've seen way to many scenarios when a married person taked that plunge into an affair, and afterwards saying :I think I did it for the thrill. I believe that 9 times out of 10 that's why most people have an affair.
But to be honest with you the guy sounds creepy and he knows your married. I would be careful. Having a harmless flirtation is one thing, if your comfortable with it. Im a big flirt. But I know where that line is. But this guys actions don't sound like flirty they sound creepy. Just becareful.

No wonder you didn't nip his advances in the bud!What can you be thinking, Your married so act like it or tell your husband what a lousy wife he has,Sorry but your disgusting and your life will be hell until you wake up and act like the married person you are,did you say he knows your husband?UGH!Respect yourself and your husband and kick this creep to the curb,now!:cool: :eek: :(

I think you knew just how serious this guy was about getting with you from the get go. I also think you've enjoyed it much more then you have admitted to. This man is so not worth ruining your life for! Whether you're having problems with your marriage or not, tell this guy to back off, just like that and don't spend 5 more minutes thinking about him when you could be fantasizing about your husband instead. Harmless flirtation my a**, unless it's okay that your man does the same??

Apears to me that your not into your relationship. So, why don't you take a break from it. And find out what you want. You will be doing yourself a favor and not leading you man on. Hello.

apears to me that your not into your relationship. so, why dont you take a break from it. and find out what you want. you will be doing yourself a favor and not leading you man on. hello.
Its not always easy for married people to take a break especially if the husband has no clue as to what the wife is doing behind his back with a friend of his!:cool:

There are plenty of people who are married that flirt that doesn't mean they are going to jump into bed with that person. When you flirt with someone the only way that can go wrong is when both people who are doing the flirting take it too far. Both parties need to respect those limits, and if your married and the other isn't and that person has crossed that line then you know its gone too far and you don't flirt with them anymore and remain distant from them.
Hitting on someone is a bit different, Its one thing to say "oh your such a funny guy" and laugh and toss you hair. Its another to say"I want you so bad and I need you in my bed" Could that harmless flirtation lead to something more inappropriate, sure it could. But like I said you have to set boundaries and limits and know when its gone too far. Or at least never let it get to that point.

I agree that this guy is not worth ruining your life. The fact that he is pursuing you, not just flirting, and knowing full well that you are married shows how little respect he has for you and your husband, which is not much. He sounds like a hound and Im sure you aren't the first married woman he has done this to. Id stay away cause he really only sounds like he wants to get you in bed, really think hard if this is worth ruining your marriage over.

Just because you're married, does not mean you have to 'play dead' when meeting other people. But make sure that you know why you are attracted to a man that is obviously a womanizer and will not be serious. He will never make any commitment except an occasional night in bed, which you will feel guilty for, and you have to assess whether this is worth it.
If you married early in life, or you are at a stage where it's getting 'old', then you need to communicate with your husband more and tell him that you need a little excitement in your life again. Remember what attracted you to him in the first place and try to re-kindle the excitement.
If your husband is looking like and acting like a looser now, and you are not sure you want to stay with him, THIS guy is not the one to start anything with - you'll wind up losing everything in the end, including your self-respect.
I would see a professional, either alone or together first, before making a move you might regret for the remainder of your life.
Hope all works out well, and please keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Nobody is 100 percent perfect. It also takes two to keep a relatioship growing.

This guy is a MASSIVE creep. Your first post just CREEPS me out. AND you're attrached to him??

QUIT using your feelinsg as a gauge... AND USE SOME SERIOUS LOGIC HERE.

Again THIS GUY IS A MASSIVE CREEP. He is TRAINED in law inforcement to MANIPULATE people.

PLEASE RUN from this guy. He WILL ruin your life. STOP paying any attention to him and he will go away.

AGAIN HE IS a MASSIVE CREEP!! RUN!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHhh hate women like this who fall for their feelings about someone. Use some logic here. WHY do women do this?? Then they have an affair with this creep, can't get rid of him, lose their marriage, husband runs from them, life is ruined.

These guys are SCUM OF THE EARTH!!

I can just see this greaasy scum... doesn't respect you one bit. Thinks you'd be easy - which I bet you would be - you seem real vulnerable. Guys like this prey on the weak.

Your husband considers this man a FRIEND?
Are you taking the piss?
You are making a fool of yourself, and your husband for the sake of a weirdo[/B[B]]!
You need to talk to your husband ASAP. Tell him his friend is a little creepy. (Yes go against your hormones! Nip this in the bud before you do something stupid.) Let your husband in on this, work as a team. Your relationship with him is obviously in jeopardy too. You need to focus on this and your long term goals - not a romp in bed with a conniving, manipulative creep. This guy has NO RESPECT for you. It's that obvious to me and everyone else on this site. Perhaps yourself esteem is a little low too right now.
If you can afford it, take your husband away for a weekend. Work on your bond. And ditch the friend. For Good.

I would bet $1 million that this is one of those CREEPS that hits on every woman. The man in uniform thing - he thinks everyone loves cops. I bet he ruined multiple marriages and relationships. I know this type of guy. Creep!

The guy who thinks every woman wants him.

Let me guess - he has a cheesy mustache.

Ok, I get the point. Thanks.

But what do you think? Did any of this strike a chord or are you still confused? I hope it works out OK for you, whatever you decide to do x

AND THE CREEP IS MARRIED!! HE'LL CHEAT ON HIS WIFE... THEN CHEAT ON YOU. LIES.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - WHY wouldyou even have feelings over this. This guy is scum of the earth.

How long did you know your husband before you took that step?
Did you try enough 'pairs of shoes, before buying them?

If you are vulnerable to flirtations from married men, and then also get attracted to them - be ready to fall many times - because any married man who cheats on his wife, will cheat on you too.
The same goes for women - it turns out to become a habit. So, if you still feel anything for your husband, tell him (he probably already knows how this guy looks at you and hopes you're smart enough to shirk it off) and suggest a nice weekend as stated below.

This situation is going to drive you nuts one way or the other, and you have to make a choice about your future real soon. I hope you make the right one, and that you'll be OK. I'm not judging you at all, you are one among millions of women and that's just part of some people's life. Especially if they think they missed out on something in the first place.
Maybe you'll be surprised and find it with your husband - I certainly hope so.

No matter what your choice, wish you lots of luck - but stay away from married men, they usually are bad news.

Please don't feel offended or judged, we're just concerned. So please keep us posted.

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Yep -the married guy will tell you anything to get you in the sack. Then your life is ruined. Believe me - never the same.

80% of cheating men get caught... so that mean 80% of the women were caught. Not good #s.

And this guy seems like such a loose canon that he will get cuaght and NOT care.

Well, to answer some questions which were asked... It's along story about why we got married, but my husband was a pathalogical liar, I was stupid enough to fall into his trap, and over the first year he had me so financially twisted up with him, it was hard to leave. Since then we have built reputable businesses and my husband is very well connected in the community. He is not an easy man to live with and I have seen him ruin people and their careers through his connections. The guy I spoke of, which in everyone's opinion here, is a creep, is actually very nice. I have known him for several years and over that time we haven't really interacted that much, he is also is a high ranking person in our community, but it is just lately he seems to be going out of his way to see and speak to me, it is not in such an obtrusive way as to be over the top, he visited our house that evening to bring information on a case we were working on. Yes, he could have done it over the phone, but there were photographs involved, and yes, he could also have waited until morning. He never calls unless my husband is home, and never stops by when he is not home. My question for this forum was more of a "do you think I'm reading into this" than it was a please assess this persons character. His body language seems to indicate that he likes me, but it is always nice to have a second opinion. I am attracted to him, so I may be misjudging his intentions as being "romantic" instead of friendly. I do not want to misread his intentions because then I would feel uncomfortable and it would effect my ability to be his friend. I guess maybe I didn't explain myself well enough.

Well, to answer some questions which were asked...It's along story about why we got married, but my husband was a pathalogical liar, I was stupid enough to fall into his trap, and over the first year he had me so financialy twisted up with him, it was hard to leave. Since then we have built reputable businesses and my husband is very well conected in the community. He is not an easy man to live with and I have seen him ruin people and their careers through his connections. The guy I spoke of, which in everyone's opinion here, is a creep, is actually very nice. I have known him for several years and over that time we haven't really interacted that much, he is also is a high ranking person in our community, but it is just lately he seems to be going out of his way to see and speak to me, it is not in such an obtrusive way as to be over the top, he visited our house that evening to bring information on a case we were working on. Yes, he could have done it over the phone, but there were photographs involved, and yes, he could also have waited til morning. He never calls unless my husband is home, and never stops by when he is not home. My question for this forum was more of a "do you think I'm reading into this" than it was a please assess this persons character. His body language seems to indicate that he likes me, but it is always nice to have a second opinion. I am attracted to him, so I may be misjudging his intentions as being "romantic" instead of friendly. I do not want to misread his intentions because then I would feel uncomfortable and it would effect my ability to be his friend. I guess maybe I didn't explain myself well enough.
Well, I'm glad that you finally told us more of the picture after three pages on this post. We do not read minds and/or between the lines, so you got exactly what you asked for, to include the questions you did not answer in the beginning.
So, you see, one can read things into actions, just as we read things in your original post. Take it for what it's worth and go on with your life.
All the luck.

Yes - we needed more information.

BUT, the other guy is still a complete creep - he's mariied - you're married.

He cheats = liar = Liar + cheat... not a good person to be with.

IF he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you. This is still the guy who tell you anything to get into the sack.

AND you are not misjudging anything - this guy has made it quite clear he is interested.

Another problem here - WHEN you get caught - WHAT will your husnad do? Sounds like he is creep as well. It sounds like you may have massive trouble there as well.

Wildcat, it seems she is used to liars and con-men, so whatever choice she makes will be her's. I just hope she can handle the outcome and wish her all the luck in the world - it will be rough going either way.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_9_15.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)Choices are sometimes hard to make and should be weighed carefully.

I agree so much with that. Ughhhhhhhhhh - two louses.

I worry for her rbecause her husband seems like a control freak.

I would definitely say back off to this guy and keep your distance as much as possible. It may be true that you are attracted to him but are you attracted to him because he has been giving you attention that you are lacking or because you like him? It doesn't sound like you really like him if he is creeping you out so maybe it is time for you and your husband to take some time for the two of you, and get away from this creepy guy! You may want to specify to this guy to stop visiting you at work. If you are worried about it tell him your boss mentioned that you can't have guests.

I think she wantsthe attention - needs it.

Hmmmm, some of the postings I'm reading are getting a little prickly, it almost seems as if some people may be internalizing and taking things a bit personally. I wouldn't describe myself as needing attention, I don't really like attention that much, I get enough. I'm not a flashy dresser, I don't even wear make-up and as for my husband, though he has his flaws, he gives me more attention than I require. I am not off to have an affair, I am committed to my marriage, as bad as it gets at times, I just don't like to misread people, and because I am somewhat reserved around men, I don't always get a good "read" on their intentions. Nothing more really, I'm sure it is just a crush on my part, I think at some point in time, many people wonder if they could/would/should have an affair. I am not a foolish woman, I know the game and it's limits, sometimes it's just hard to tell whether the palyers are just playing for fun, or out to win.

I agree with you Pburke, We are all human and make human mistakes. And that means you have thoughts and they are not all perfect. I know I have been there where you are. But only you can make the right decision, we are here merely to offer advice.

But I do think it's a bit much when others start calling someone a "louse" which I think is a little uncalled for. No body is perfect and we all have our flaws its upp to us to make our own decisions about our lives when it comes down to it.
I think when you had mentioned that you were attracted to this guy after you described him and he sounded kind of creepy to the rest of us. I think people were just a little taken a back by it.
It seems like you honestly didn't know this guys intentions and were just asking about it, I see what you were trying to get at. I think the guy does like you, but you have to ask why would he be so obvious to do that knowing your married? That's why I think a lot of us think he is a creep. He wants you but is friends with you and your husband, doesn't sound like the best of character.

Normally I would be the first to apologize for making a mistake,but in re-reading this thread,I feel that my response was appropriate for the information that was presented at the time.With more information a question has come to mind, if things being as you say why would you be asking about the character of a friend of you and your husband that you are attracted to and not be asking about the relationship between your husband and you which seems more of a point to seek advice about? Just curious!:cool:

The answer to that is quite lengthy and complicated, so in an effort to not bore people to death, here goes. My husband and I have beaten the horse to death, so to speak. He has made considerable effort to modify his behavior and be a more sensitive to others, especially me. I on the other hand, seem to be unable to let go of the 12+ years of verbal and mental abuse I have let him subject me to. In general, we have a decent relationship, however, he does at times revert to his abusive side. Don't misunderstand, he has never, and never would raise a hand to me, he is just incredibly demeaning and impossible to please. So basically, we mostly agree to disagree. It is obvious to me that I have not chosen "Mr. Right" and it is obvious to him as well, he too has a laundry list of things about me he would change. It is also obvious to me that I have this crush because I see something in this other person which is closer to my idea of my "Mr. Right". My description of him was probably taken as creepy because it is difficult to describe a person's non-verbal cues without a little exaggeration, making it seem like he is outwardly aggressive. This is not the case, his actions are more subtle and seemingly on an uncoscious level. I wouldn't expect any apologies, nor do I think any are due. I do not often communicate in this manner, and as it seems, it takes a little practice to effectively get your point across.

Hey P sorry for the misunderstanding before,I get to be a little blunt sometimes especially when I get caught up in what a think is totally wrong,and who am I to judge someone else.I hope you stick around and don't be put off by hard heads like myself,good luck with your marriage!:cool:

All - mental AND verbal abuse can be MORE dammaging than physical. It's JUST as bad and if not worse.

NO ONE DESERVES MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE.

I persoanlly would get out of this because it won't get better - these guys promise change, but a few weeks later they resort back to the abuse - it takes years of therapy to get over this.

Yes I know, but we have 2 small children and I would like for them to get a little older before I make a move like that. A year and a half ago I went out looking at apartments, my children told him what we did (not knowing any better) and we had a lengthy discussion. Since that time he has been to counseling and made significant improvement, but I don't think that I can get past it. Additionally, as I said, sometimes he slips back into his abusive ways. It's hard even talking about it because I have already spent so much energy on "working" on it, that I just get tired of thinking about it.

"slips back into his abusive ways" - I feel for you, because they always will. It's also a respect thing - people generally are abusive to people they don't respect.

I can't imagine what you've been through. And if he treats the children the same way, well, they don't deserve it.

I truly feel for your situation! Mental and verbal abuse are nothing you should have to put up with. It is good that he is seeking counseling but I think you still may want to consider moving on to an apartment of your own. Especially with two small children. Even if you may think they are too small to understand they may be feeling the effects of the verbal abuse even if he doesn't do it to them. Have you sought any counseling to help yourself with this situation? I wish you the best and hope that all works out well for you and your children!

Thank you. I am actually trained as a counselor, so I know I should go, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it anymore. I understand that I don't have the strength and courage right now to move on, but I know one day I will. I'm sure it would be better for the kids, but they adore him and he really loves them, the stress of us arguing has taken its toll on their sense of "well being" though, and my husband at least recognizes that and we both work really hard now not to discuss things in front of them. At this moment in time, we are both working to help our children.

I know its hard honey, believe me my husband is a recovering addict. And I have been there. Thingd are much better now but you never know. Of course your childern adore him he is there daddy and I'm sure he is a great father, but that doesn't always he is a great spouse. There are plenty of good parents but that doesn't mean they treat there spouses with respect. Take it day by day. Its very easy for people like us to tell you to get out of the situation, Im guilty of it. But since we aren't there we don't know exactly what your feelings are and how you want to go about this. And if at this moment your working together for your children's sake, then at least that's telling me you both want to work on this and you both care enough about each other. I do commend you on that.

Hmmmm, some of the postings I'm reading are getting a little prickly, it almost seems as if some people may be internalizing and taking things a bit personally. I wouldn't describe myself as needing attention, I don't really like attention that much, I get enough. I'm not a flashy dresser, I don't even wear make-up and as for my husband, though he has his flaws, he gives me more attention than I require. I am not off to have an affair, I am committed to my marriage, as bad as it gets at times, I just don't like to misread people, and because I am somewhat reserved around men, I don't always get a good "read" on their intentions. Nothing more really, I'm sure it is just a crush on my part, I think at some point in time, many people wonder if they could/would/should have an affair. I am not a foolish woman, I know the game and it's limits, sometimes it's just hard to tell whether the palyers are just playing for fun, or out to win.
If a patient came to you just giving you piece by piece information, you'd make the same assumptions and/or ask for more. And since you then could read by the body language and their stature while answering your questions, you'd catch on more quick than we did, of course. So, please don't take opinions on this thread as criticism negatively - we can only do so much with the information we receive. And, if you noticed, our main concern was for your well-being.


I am actually trained as a counselor, so I know I should go, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it anymore. I understand that I don't have the strength and courage right now to move on, but I know one day I will. I'm sure it would be better for the kids, but they adore him and he really loves them, the stress of us arguing has taken its toll on their sense of "well being" though, and my husband at least recognizes that and we both work really hard now not to discuss things in front of them. At this moment in time, we are both working to help our children
Since you are also in this profession, you more than most are aware of the chances if you don't both seek professional help. And also know that you both need to WANT to do this together. And by all means, nothing in secret as the children will eventually let it out whether you want it or not.

I do hope that you benefited from the answers you received here one way or the other and that you now realize that only you can change your future. We here are always ready to help in any way we can with the information we have to work with and at least are sincere in our efforts to help anyone on our own time and for free. Again, lots of luck from a fellow therapist. No matter how depleted and stressed you are, please drop us a line and keep us posted anyway. Thanks, and remember, we do care and wish you all the best.


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Thanks for your kind thoughts. It's especially nice to have a place where people can get feedback and just "vent" if they want to.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. It's especially nice to have a place where people can get feedback and just "vent" if they want to.
Be careful this site is known to be highly addictive:) :cool: