Hi all, Could you help me?
Could you give me any advice from your heart?

1985 - 23 years ago.
I fell in love for the first time, A true, passionate and intense love, but also a volatile relationship because her parents denied, blocked and storm raged. Why? Because I
Was too poor. It lasted a year (underground), and then she gave up and broke up with me. Since then, I never ever believe anything about true love, ever again.

1990 - 5 years later.
My g/f married to a rich and nice guy who loves her soooooo much. They have 2 kids.
I too married to a decent and nice lady who loves me soooooo much. We have 3 kids.

2005 – 20 years later.
It seemed everyone moves on.
I created my top career life. I succussed and got rich. But I felt empty. I never stopped missing her.
Then suddenly I met my her mum, I just gave her my phone number, not expecting anything.
Then one week later, for the first time after 20 years, I heard her crying over the phone. Crying soooooo hard.
Then we met first time after 20 years.
Then we had our first honey month (day time only), and then second and third!
Then we lost, didn’t know what to do next.
Then she went back to her husband.
Then I went back to my wife.

2008 - Today.
Life changed forever since then. I couldn’t touch and sex with my wife since then.
I want to leave the marriage.
I want to leave not because I still love my g/f, but I woke up, I found myself still believe true love. I see my true-self. I see I have been lived in a fake marriage, the marriage not belongs to me, but someone else.

My wife suffered biggest heartbroken in her life after knowing my intent to divorce her. She now issued all processes to stop my leaving by using our kids, our parents, our history, our everything we built over 17 years marriage…everything she could use to stop me leaving.

I don’t know what to do now. I found myself just don’t want to see my kids suffer, my dependent parents suffer, and most hurtful to see my wife suffer. They all need me to stay in the marriage to have their happy life, by scarifies mine.
But in the mean time, my heart asked me louder and louder: stop lying, start living!

The most important truth I found myself after see my g/f after 20 years is not seeing her love, but seeing myself still can LOVE.

I just want to start loving again, no matter it would be my g/f or someone else. I just want to love again. I just want to be free. Freedom! But the price is tooooo high! So high, so high when I see I am destorying the so good life of my kids, my parents and my wife…

I lost, trapped, depressed and close to dead now.

I really feel for you you should do what is right for you do not feel guilty for other people follow your heart and I hope you find true happiness

Whoa, I hurt just reading your words. Love is honesty. If others are going (choose) to feel pain, let it be, because you have been honest with them, and yourself.

I'm sure there will be other posters who disagree, strongly with me. Follow your heart wherever it may lead. If you have been honest, not only will you be free, but everyone who's life you touch will benefit from your honesty. They are you.

My declaration does not fit with a society that honors past events to the exclusion of the present moment. The moment you are in, now, is the only time there is. Live, honestly, now.

Hello d:

You made your bed - now sleep in it. There are no escape clauses in commitment. Your children didn't bargain for a quitter father. Your wife didn't bargain for weak kneed husband who said he'd be there forever, but was lying through his teeth.

Stick to your agreements.

excon

Hello d:

You made your bed - now sleep in it. There are no escape clauses in commitment. Your children didn't bargain for a quitter father. Your wife didn't bargain for weak kneed husband who said he'd be there forever, but was lying through his teeth.

Stick to your agreements.

excon
And he should live a life of misery I think not he should follow his heart and he is not deserting his children

Your "decent and nice lady" who is the mother of your three children deserves more from you. Find a professional third person--a holy man, a counselor--who will listen to your story and guide you as you look for true love. That "decent and nice lady" you live with might just be your best opportunity to experience emotional fulfillment.

excon, you make your bed, why is your life of crime over?

450donn, the thing you meant to say was lie in it.

First you wife deserves a lot better person than you, first you did not need or should have been meeting with the old girl friend in trying to establish a new relastinship, you and her were not free to do that.

You should try and go to a marriage couselor and find the love you are suppose to have for your wife.

In all for the pain you are causing her, don't deserve any happiness since you are wanting her to ruin her fmaily life for you. And most likely she will not,

So you will end up a sad loney old man, latter wishing you had stayyed with your wife.

You only get one shot at this life and it isn't even a very long shot. We all make mistakes, but should we have to pay for them for the rest of our lives. Follow your heart, the rest will follow. Good luck.

You sure seem to be letting your mind cause a lot of problems for yourself and others. Get a slap in the face and wake up... If as you said, you can still love... then you need to find ways to learn to love the wife. If it has been fake, then quit the b.s. and open your heart to the potential that is already there... with the woman who you've been faking it with all this time. You can feel the same things with her as anything you can only imagine with someone else.

You are living in a fantacy world about a past relationship. If you would have married her maybe it would have been a marriage in hell. You need to be grateful for the person you are married to. Be happy you have a wonderful wife. Quit wasting time and energy on a fantacy and devote it to your wife. You are missing out on love because you're stuck in the past.

Hi all,

I would like thanks very much for all your inputs. I really appreciate that!
Although it’s evenly divided by two groups of you: Agree and don’t agree to divorce, I regard each of your opinion or advice as the view for my best interest from your heart.

I thank each of you again!

I think I did make my bed and lied in it for 17 years.
I don’t regret that. Instead, I feel I am lucky to have that as part of my life.

When I look at my wife’s sad face today, I ask myself: how would I feel if I were her? What would I do? Stop him or let him go? To be honest, I can’t answer it surely.
But I do know though, that I should feel luckier. Because at least, I had lived (not lied) for 17 years.

Surely there are no escape clauses in commitment.
But there is one ending clause in commitment – dead.
So I asked my wife: which you would prefer if I divorced or I dead?

She didn’t answer that. She stunned.

But there is one ending clause in commitment – dead.
So I asked my wife: which you would prefer if I divorced or I dead? She didn't answer that. She stunned.Hello again, dvhhen:

I changed my mind. You should leave this poor girl. Maybe she can find someone who ain't nuts.

excon

Wow. If my ex has asked me that - if I preferred him divorced or dead, it would have been a tough call back then. At least dead, one gets the life insurance. Divorced and you get to start all over with nothing. Hmmm...

Seriously - if your religion allows a divorce, then seek whoever it is who can guide you through this. You say your wife has a sad face. Well, yes, she does. She has to put with you! You are miserable and make everyone else's life equally as miserable. Not worth it, is it?

Of course she's sad, she knows that you don't love her anymore, but she still loves you. She may want to keep you but I think that she would be better of divorcing you and moving on with her life. You are miserable and you're not hiding it. I'm sure that your kids feel it too. It's time to fish or cut bait, either stay and make it work or leave, you're not doing her or yourself any favors by not deciding.

When my mother would complain about her sons' wive's, I used to tell her "be glad somone is willing to put up with them." And then I would describe her sons' flaws. She quit complaining about the daughter-in-laws after that.

Be glad someone was willing to put up with you for 17 years. Hope you find someone else who will do the same. There is more to marriage than love. Be glad for your wife who gave you children. Be glad to your wife that she gave you companionship for 17 years.

I have not heard you say that your wife has made life hell for you. Maybe you have had it too easy. Maybe you're spoiled to boredom.

How poetically and sweetly you wrote your post, how you seem to fool half people in here.
U are an adulterer. You should leave your wife, she will then be free to be loved by a proper man.then you can live in your new bachelor bedsit.while they live happily in your ex marital home. With meals for one. A nice sharp dose of reality would be good for u. u will prob be taken for a ride by a young floozy. Meanwhile your kids will have grandkids, who most prob will have a new grandad. And you will be phased out rightly so.

The best thing for you right now would be to get some individual counseling. You need to take a step back and consider what you feel is right to do. Personally, I believe in honoring the commitment of marriage, but if you seriously feel that you would rather be deal than married, maybe it is time for you to call it quits. Like I said, I think a professional counselor could help you a lot right now.

Well you don't get to stay with them to "save them" from pain and then complain about how you are hurting yourself.

Grow a pair, no matter what you do. Stay. Go. Do whatever...

But stop threatening her with divorce or death. Really?? Suck it up and stop being a pansy about this. And I really meant p***y.

That said... you've been sticking it out, sort of.. trying to make your marriage be enough. I usually say one needs to fight the fight, do the dirty work to make a marriage last. Your word is your word. You've stayed, though id say you really aren't in the marriage. It happens. I don't think you are a bad person, but I think you're making some dumb choices, or failing to make some important ones.

You want it all tied up nicely... all clean and sanitary, and it isn't going to happen. Someone is going to be stepping in crap. There's just no way around it.

You can be a good father without your wife. Not easy, but you can.

You can be a good person who made mistakes... or be a good person who changes his thinking. It happens.

But what you can't do is play the victim here.

Either get all in or all out. Your wife deserves a loving partner who is engaged and vested in her... not just by hanging around, but by being the mate she deserves and wants. If that's not you, get the hell out of her way.

I know you didn't plan this. That's fine. I know you don't want to be in this position. That's fine. But you are here.

Step one is marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, step two is probably leave... or stay... but stop being a victim either way.

Nobodys life is perfect. I have a great marriage with a great woman, but some days its hard as hell to not walk out the door. It happens. What I'm not going to do is play the part of the victim.

Time for you to do something. Stay. Go. Get help. Refuse help. Do something. Own your actions.

You had two bites of the apple, and it didn't work, but your still a cheater. If you had put as much energy to being a good faithful husband, as you did being a cheater, you wouldn't be tearing up everyone's life. Following your heart, led you down a very dark path, and now you want to take the easy way out. Get off the pity pot, and be glad for what you have built. Funny how everything was moving along, until you made a deal with the devil, and got burn't, again. Get help you sick freak, and stop wallowing is your own self pity, at the expense of others.

The only thing fake about this marriage is YOU.

Yes, you have violated rules made for those who fear the devil. They know a lot about life and how to make it work while they fear themselves. You are not crazy, you are in pain, lying to oneself does that. You cheated? So what? What will you do now? That, I think was what you were asking. My answer remains the same. Tell yourself the truth and follow your heart.

follow your heart.
That what is at the root of his problem. Follow your heart, is just a selfish way to say, screw everyone, this is what I want. To bad for you!

Yep...

A healthy, sustainable relationship isn't all heart or all mind. Takes balance.

Yes, that's right, a healthy marriage takes balance. Heart, mind and soul. Perhaps what I meant, or what would be better understood, was follow your soul. The soul certainly does not tell us to "screw everyone, this is what I want. Too bad for you. "The soul says "we are all one." If he is dishonest with himself while honoring a commitment made when he was a different person, he is lying to everyone. That would make the marriage "fake." If he discovered that he preferred men for sex, what would be your advice then?

My response was in response for what he expressed as real to him now. If you feel that he is full of it, that is real for you now. No one is wrong, or right so why fight?

I went to counseling 3 times last year.

The first one asked me: “What really holds you staying in this marriage?”
I thought hard, very hard and only could say: Guilty.
“Why?”
“Because of commitments.” I listed lots.
She then said: “What’s difference between your commitments and your signature on your marriage certificate?”

The second asked: “What do you really want from life?”
I again thought hard, very hard, but couldn’t answer any.

The third one didn’t ask any sort of those hard questions but said: “I don’t think you have choice.”

The three consultants said one thing: I am wasting time.
Time = Life, which everyone seems to know, but not really.

All due respect, was it guilt that made you get married in the first place, I don't think so. Your guilt is because you're a cheater, and a liar. That's what you need to reconcile, your own actions. No different, than any other who goes outside the marriage, and loses site of what they have, in the name of their own happiness. Now you wish to justify, and be supported, for further pain, you have cause the innocent ones in your life?? You don't deserve to be happy, until you at least, make amends to the ones you hurt. That is the only way you will find peace, is by doing the right thing by those you have cheated, through no fault of their own. Then take your lying', cheating A$$ somewhere and pray to your God, to forgive you and show you a better way. Your counselors are full of bull, if they have not pointed that out to you.

Have to spread the love, KP, but I completely agree.

Great--you met this woman you once loved. You have a connection. Are you the same person you were when you loved her? Truly? And is SHE the same person SHE was?

I doubt it.

You're loving a memory, and memories have this way of getting rosier with time, all the bad stuff kind of glossed over.

That being said, you owe the woman who gave you 17 years of her life SOMETHING. She's now past her youth, with children. What are HER possibilities of finding love again? You've taken the best years of her life, and now you want to just say "oops, sorry! I never really loved you, here's the woman I loved all this time--Either I'm going to leave you for her (which is bad) or I'm going to make you feel bad for the rest of your life that I committed suicide because you wouldn't just LET me go to her"

I wouldn't blame her for wishing you dead.

You're trying to put the onus of this choice on her, trying to make it so that she's either "letting" you go, or "forcing" you to suicide.

Like KP said--Grow a pair.

It's YOUR choice. Quit trying to make your wife make it for you. And at least have the decency to quit dragging it out for her.

I understand that love is important. I just think that honor and commitments and keeping your promises are MORE important.

PS--I hope she takes you for every penny in the divorce, and your alimony settlement is awful enough that the other woman has to accept you for love only, because you won't have any money.

... Your guilt is because your a cheater, and a liar.... You don't deserve to be happy, until you at least, make amends to the ones you hurt. That is the only way you will find peace, is by doing the right thing by those you have cheated ... Your counselors are full of bull...

Hi talaniman,
I agree my counselors didn't offer much help. But you didn't neither.

I feel guilt NOT because of my cheating or lying, but maybe NO-cheating and NO-lying.
I don't deserve to be happy, NOT until I at least, make amends to the ones I hurt, but until I at least, could make amends to MYSELF! Why don't you see I hurt myself?

Lots people, who believe in God, could easily forgive those who hurt them. Because they understand: No one is responsible for anyone’s life except oneself.

I hope you are one of them.

And dear Synnen, you force me giving more facts.

The facts are:

1. I am not going to get myself into my g/f’s marriage. I don’t want her into mine neither.
2. I owe nothing to my wife. Just before getting married, I told her everything of my past. Then I said:’Please reconsider, I am a men who doesn’t know love anymore. I like you but I can’t say I really love you.” My wife responded: “I don’t care. I really love you. Life is short.”
3. Before seeing my g/f after 20 years, I asked my wife. She encouraged OK and said: “If you both still in love, you can go. she was before me, I shouldn’t be jealous.” I was so silly to believe it.
4. Then just before going to see my g/f, I saw my lawyer and signed the paper which gives every penny to my wife, if I divorce.

I only want to be free.

But in the end, my wife said: “I only need you.”

Why don't you see I hurt myself?

That was YOUR choice, and hurting your family was YOUR choice also. You will never convince me you need sympathy, nor will you get my pity either. Does your family deserve the hurt, and shame you bring to yourself, and them?? What kind of man puts himself before his family? Oh I forgot, you do! Your family has my sympathy, not you.


I saw my lawyer and signed the paper which gives every penny to my wife, if I divorce.

I only want to be free.


Good if I believe you, which I don't.

'Deciding' whether a person deserves my sympathy or empathy is a function of feeling as if, they are not part of me.

'Deciding' whether a person deserves my sympathy or empathy is a function of feeling as if, they are not part of me.

Your right. My call, my decision, my feelings, my opinion. No sympathy, no empathy!

I feel for you dude, I really do. A story not too dissimilar to mine. I chose to stay with my wife, cause that's what's real. What WAS real all that time ago, was another time. You should always think, if you do move on (follow the heart - which is a little dicey anyway), what guarantees are there?

Fr_chuck ended it well. You could end up with much less than you ever will have... again. Work at it, more than you did when you lost your girlfriend in the first place.

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