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eruditemargaret9
Feb 17, 2008, 06:15 PM
How long does it take the typical divorced man to be ready for another full relationship?

Fr_Chuck
Feb 17, 2008, 06:26 PM
Most are dating before he changes sheets from the Ex learving.
But they need to get over the relastionship, but most men don't wait, and start dting very soon after, I would say there should be a six month to a year but I bet few wait that long

Choux
Feb 17, 2008, 06:27 PM
It takes *half* the time of the relationship with your wife... if you had a six year relationship with your wife, it will take you 3 years to get over the emotional ties, both positive and negative.

life1973happened
Feb 17, 2008, 07:09 PM
Good evening...
First let me point out as, a little disclaimer, I'm a woman, not a man. My hope is that you will receive responses from men, as you hoped. But it is really does not matter if you are a man or woman when it comes to this question. I could be wrong as it's not a secret how different men and woman are.

I gave my heart away a long time ago. The process was painful. I, like you I'm sure, enjoyed the coming out off the fog, but it still hurt. In fact I think it hurt more as the years went by not less.

However, we are all different, with different circumstances. Keeping that in mind, I made a list below of things that I think are crucial to answering your question. These are personal statements and questions. Think about them in your head and hopefully that alone will help YOU determine if YOU are ready. This is a personal choice that only you can really answer for yourself but I hope this helps...

~ How much pain you went through.

~ Were you the dumper or the dumpee?

~ How long were you together?

~ How bad was the break-up?

~ For the part you played, during the relationship, to cause it's destruction, have you acknowledged it, changed that about yourself and learned from it.

~ Have you taken the time to appreciate being alone and know you don't NEED another to survive? That you can be perfectly happy alone.

~ If the divorce was ugly and you feel you received the short end of the stick, have you let it go and accepted the decision of the courts. Regardless, if it was fair or not. Have you let it go?
Have you asked to be forgiven and offered it fairly, in return?

These are just some things that I think are important for any one of us to begin dating again. I think the last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship, to avoid loneliness or carry over the baggage from the last.

Give your heart a clean start, it deserves that. Relationships are hard enough without any help from us adding to it with old pain, old debts and old bitterness. Nobody likes a bitter man or woman.

You'll know when you are ready and when it's time.

I wish you luck stranger!

450donn
Feb 18, 2008, 01:28 PM
Just remember, that dating a divorced person will have LOTS of baggage attached to it. There will be things like kids, financial shortfalls for child support, alimony, that sort of thing.

eruditemargaret9
Feb 18, 2008, 01:40 PM
I need to be more specific. I am not a man, I am not divorced. I have had problems dating a divorced man--without kids--and wanted to be prepared for any setbacks. This person is no longer interested in dating (monogamously at least) due to his wife having left him and it feels at times as if he is very bitter about committing to one person. It's already over but it's also my first time being involved with a divorced person and I now see the problems that can arise.

life1973happened
Feb 18, 2008, 02:52 PM
Not to be rude, but you only think you need to be more specific? Uh.. Yeah. We can only answer a question based upon what we see.

I think the above advice can still be helpful just look at it from another angle. People that go through a divorce, or even break-up, need to heal from the inside out. I think not doing that, is a major reason divorce ratings (on 2nd marriages) are as high as they are. You cannot rush them and trust me you don't want to.

What happens when you allow yourself to do that, the winds shift. Suddenly you are found to be the reason for the demise of everything. Don't be placed in that position. It sounds like you were pushing a bit too much for his liking and he threw up the walls. I've been on both sides of that wall.

He sounds like he is stuck on the bitter, let it go part. Depending on how long he was married, I think it's quite normal. I'm not the relationship expert and I speak only from experience. However, though your relationship is over, knowing why he did what he did and felt the way he did in regards to you, will help you better understand what happens when divorced individuals roam free. (okay, that didn't sound right but hopefully you know what I mean) That's why I admire you coming on here and asking the question (even if you weren't so clear the first go-around)

Hopefully, he didn't break up with you because of pressure from you alone. Why? Because then he doesn't get it and nothing will change, and in turn another girl will fall victim to a heavy heart and much confusion. Hopefully, he broke up with you because he has demons to put to rest, so he can start a relationship with you, or somebody else, bitter blame free.

Speaking from his corner for a moment, let me explain something. Bitterness and resentment, that go unresolved, are a deadly poison. You don't even notice them until they are on top of you. It's the worst! It's a feeling you can't shake, can't mask, can't get rid of, even if the Pope prayed it out. It's something you have to be aware of at all times and make sure you take steps to maintain and control it.

The only way to know what I just said above to be true, is to have made that mistake. The result still remains the same, the end of a relationship. I once heard it said that, "experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."

If when the two of you came together he was trying to put those demons to rest, let him freely and without distraction, even though you are not together now. Because when he has, the two of you can come together in a way you never thought possible, or you can tell him no thank you, either way the to of you will be better off.

The only other option is to be the, 'go to girl' for one thing. If you do that understand you become the problem free, ask no questions, no desire to go anywhere but here, kind of girl. As they say it's easier to loosen up that tighten up. So once you make the decision to be this kind of girl, it will be hard as heck to ever be anything else. I don't think that's what you really want, do you?

I think in summary, each person we cross paths with, during our lives, are at different points in their journey. Some are in direct conflict to where we are, some glide happily, along and in tune to where our lives are. Some want to pull over and carpool, others want to stick to a "no fly zone' Whatever or wherever each of us are there is a reason. Until we are ready within ourselves, we can never be ready for somebody else. Does that make sense or too cheesy? I know what I want to say but can't seem to put it together here, so forgive me.

AAUUUGGGHHH (bet you never received that for an answer)