We broke up over long distance.

Even though we said we'd be friends, he definitely knows that I still like him. He didn't want to get back together when I hesitated for many weeks before giving him an answer (it was a yes). I've tried the NC thing. Then I naively thought that I didn't want to lose him as a friend. I missed talking to him and I was sort of seeing someone else (who I broke it off with. Def not ready) so we started talking again every now and then. Big mistake. I tried NC again for a few weeks.

But feelings overcame rationality again, and I asked him if he wanted to catch up this weekend and come to my college. He agreed. Only I'm moving in this Saturday, so I told him he might not want to come or if he plans to come, it has to be Saturday. He texted me today that he can't come, but asked me if I want to visit him.

Is this his way of copping out on meeting me? Or does he want to see me too? And why, especially if he knows that I still like him?

I can't stop wondering... :confused:

You're playing mind games on yourself.

You know you want him to want you back and you are looking for ways to show him that door is still open. That's OK... nothing to be ashamed of... but there's no way you are going to have firm footing playing this game.

You aren't ready to date other guys, but you aren't willing to be away from your ex.

So probably time to have a last serious talk. Is he interested or not? Period. If not, you need to back off and be without him until you are over him. Yes, it sucks to be without someone, but its probably needed...

Been where you are. Its no fun. Well, all you are doing right now is dragging out the pain of leaving this behind.

Sometimes its worth holding on for a time to see where things go... but you don't get both things... holding onto hope and firm emotional footing.

Besides... at this point, even if he were interested, even if you hesitated, you really don't want to be with someone that isn't chasing you. If its all about you "admitting" you were wrong, well then he's completely in control.

I can't tell you what's right. I've spent way too much time pining for ex's and wasting time hoping I could find a way to work things back to how they were. Tough lessons learned.

Its up to you. I say make him chase you down. Anything less is just going through the motions.

I can't stop wondering... :confused:
I agree with KP, that your mind is confusing you because you still have hope. I also think you need to see things for what they are, and let him come to you, just to avoid further confusion.

youre playing mind games on yourself.

you know you want him to want you back and you are looking for ways to show him that door is still open. thats ok... nothing to be ashamed of... but theres no way you are going to have firm footing playing this game.

you arent ready to date other guys, but you arent willing to be away from your ex.

so probably time to have a last serious talk. is he interested or not? period. if not, you need to back off and be without him until you are over him. yes, it sucks to be without someone, but its probably needed...

been where you are. its no fun. well, all you are doing right now is dragging out the pain of leaving this behind.

sometimes its worth holding on for a time to see where things go... but you dont get both things... holding onto hope and firm emotional footing.

besides... at this point, even if he were interested, even if you hesitated, you really dont want to be with someone that isnt chasing you. if its all about you "admitting" you were wrong, well then hes completely in control.

i can't tell you whats right. ive spent way too much time pining for ex's and wasting time hoping i could find a way to work things back to how they were. tough lessons learned.

its up to you. i say make him chase you down. anything less is just going through the motions.

Thank you for the extremely sage advice. I agree with everything you said and I guess I've known it deep down for a while. But like you said, the heart plays mind games.

So you would recommend that I do not visit him. Let him come to me, correct? I guess this means we'll have to meet up next weekend for better or worse.

He used to visit me in the past. Ironic how the tables seem to have turned.

Well, if you want one last attempt to say "are you or are you not interested" it doesn't matter who goes where.

If you go there, sure you are making the effort, and you can get the hell out of dodge too if you don't like how its going.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with him... you just need to live in the context of reality. I've loved women I couldn't be with for one reason or another. You pick up, feel sorry for yourself a bit, and try again.

Sooo... its all your call. If you call him on it and he says no, then you have an answer and you can walk away. If he says yes, then you have power. He needs to chase you down if he wants you, even if you hedged before. If he says maybe... OK, that's still not "with you"...

Either do NC and stick with it, cause you aren't over him, or meet with him and have a "final" talk without making it sound like an ultimatum. Simply asking "so youre sure you dont want to see me in any way other than a friend" doesn't put him on the defensive like "if you dont want to see me i want NC!"...

Approach him calmly and you might get an honest answer. After that, you have a decision to make, whatever that is.

Or... yes, I'm still talking... if you are just nostalgic and lonely, and you know its really not likely to happen, you can just walk away. But really walk away. You are hanging on to something you don't have.

I think that I may have to give up on him and let him go. I feel like I am wasting so much thinking about the "what ifs." I need to move on, regardless of how much I miss and want him.

I remember now why I initially broke up with him. I felt neglected for whatever reasons due to my own insecurities and his inability to communicate his feelings and needs. I felt like I cared more about the relationship than he did. Even though we're broken up, nothing has changed. I still feel that I want more out of whatever we have right now than he does. I know he cared, but he just couldn't show it in the way that I needed him to. I want him to be someone who he's not and that's just unfair to both of us. After breaking up, I thought I could accept his (and my) shortcomings, but I don't think I can. He will just hurt me again and again, unwittingly or not.

I can't spend any more of my life, time, energy, and my wretched heart thinking about the "what ifs" and him.

I texted him to confirm our meeting tomorrow and he hasn't replied. If he doesn't reply, I guess he feels more or less the same. I will finally do him the favor and leave him alone. I hope I have the strength to stick with his decision this time around!

Well turns out I was correct. After I told him I can visit him tomorrow, he gave me a lame excuse that actually his club meeting is postponed to next week so maybe he can visit me tomorrow but he has a paper due.

I told him to not worry about it. He didn't even suggest that we meet up later on. Instead he replied, "So what's going on?" So I told him "No need to go through the motions."

He's just trying to assuage his guilt, and I don't appreciate him being a coward about it and just telling me he doesn't want to meet up with me. But no, he had to drag it out.

I guess this was my wakeup call. He hasn't answered and I hope he knows I honestly can never talk to him again. He has not only broken my heart yet again (which I thought couldn't get broken anymore), but being just blunt with me and telling me the truth, I can't respect him as a person.

I guess I set myself up for this. I'm sorry for the rant. I am just so angry. I thought I knew who he was. I didn't and I don't.

Well turns out I was correct. After I told him I can visit him tomorrow, he gave me a lame excuse that actually his club meeting is postponed to next week so maybe he can visit me tomorrow but he has a paper due.

I told him to not worry about it. He didn't even suggest that we meet up later on. Instead he replied, "So what's going on?" So I told him "No need to go through the motions."

He's just trying to assuage his guilt, and I don't appreciate him being a coward about it and just telling me he doesn't want to meet up with me. But no, he had to drag it out.

I guess this was my wakeup call. He hasn't answered and I hope he knows I honestly can never talk to him again. He has not only broken my heart yet again (which I thought couldn't get broken anymore), but being just blunt with me and telling me the truth, I can't respect him as a person.

I guess I set myself up for this. I'm sorry for the rant. I am just so angry. I thought I knew who he was. I didn't and I don't.

This site is perfect for ranting/pissing/moaning/verbally abusing... whatever else you can think of. +10 points

This site is perfect for ranting/pissing/moaning/verbally abusing... whatever else you can think of. +10 points

Lol. Thanks. In that case, let me continue.

I just can't believe he couldn't be upfront and truthful with me. Didn't I mean something to him, if not now, at one point in our past? Don't I deserve the truth? Well apparently not. I know he's not to blame. I obviously was the one who couldn't let go. But he could have given me the courtesy as a "friend" to tell me the truth. I always have, whether the truth is pretty or ugly or will get me hurt. He can't be "Mr. Nice guy" forever.

I am just so hurt. I have the biggest temptation to go off and yell at him. But what will that change? Nothing.

I am so disappointed in him. I thought I knew him, but I don't at all. What also hurts is that even after he gave me that lame excuse, I still had hope he might want to visit me sometime in the near future. But when he wanted to know "So what's going on?" I knew he was just feeling guilty about having moved on when I haven't.

God it hurts. He hasn't even replied to apologize for stringing me along and being a flake. I hope he gets his heart ripped in half, too, so he'll know how I'm feeling.

I refuse to cry and waste more tears on him.

Lol. thx. In that case, let me continue.

I just can't believe he couldn't be upfront and truthful with me. Didn't I mean something to him, if not now, at one point in our past? Don't I deserve the truth? Well apparently not. I know he's not to blame. I obviously was the one who couldn't let go. But he could have given me the courtesy as a "friend" to tell me the truth. I always have, whether the truth is pretty or ugly or will get me hurt. He can't be "Mr. Nice guy" forever.

I am just so hurt. I have the biggest temptation to go off and yell at him. But what will that change? Nothing.

I am so disappointed in him. I thought I knew him, but I don't at all. What also hurts is that even after he gave me that lame excuse, I still had hope he might want to visit me sometime in the near future. But when he wanted to know "So what's going on?" I knew he was just feeling guilty about having moved on when I haven't.

God it hurts. He hasn't even replied to apologize for stringing me along and being a flake. I hope he gets his heart ripped in half, too, so he'll know how I'm feeling.

I refuse to cry and waste more tears on him.

I know exactly how you feel, a lot of people here do... the "how could they..." question is always on my mind. I'm also disappointed in my ex for not being honest, I guess they're trying to spare our feelings because they do care, but I think most of us would prefer the truth and not hold onto false hope. Anyway, hang in there... at least you can walk away knowing that you tried, and he can walk away knowing what? I don't know... that he's a quitter.

That's how I feel anyway... I gave it my all, and I know I did good, so its her loss.

And you're right about yelling, nothing good can come of it, even if you are correct in everything you tell him, it won't matter because he won't realize it. And that's sad for them.

I know exactly how you feel, a lot of people here do... the "how could they..." question is always on my mind. I'm also disappointed in my ex for not being honest, i guess they're trying to spare our feelings because they do care, but i think most of us would prefer the truth and not hold onto false hope. Anyway, hang in there... at least you can walk away knowing that you tried, and he can walk away knowing what? i dont know... that hes a quitter.

Thats how i feel anyway... i gave it my all, and i know i did good, so its her loss.

And you're right about yelling, nothing good can come of it, even if you are correct in everything you tell him, it wont matter because he wont realize it. And thats sad for them.

My anger got the best of me. I texted him asking why he couldn't just tell me that he didn't want to meet. Then he came online and accused me of being crazy. How dare he? I told him he was the biggest flake/idiot. And then he told me to visit him. I refused. And now he's trying to make casual conversation. I'm not saying I can't be friends with him, but I can't be friends with him until I get over him, in which case it won't matter anymore. You're right. He doesn't even realize that he's just leading me on AGAIN. I haven't answered and don't plan on answering anytime soonn.

Thx for everyone's support.

Here's another fun fact about this site for you... Talaniman is always right.

Well I did yell at him and we got into a fight last night. And somehow, I ended up being the one to apologize for losing my temper. UGH.

Even though we ended on bad terms, I don't think there's any way other way for me. Being friends is too painful for me. Even though these measures seem drastic, I unfriended him on Facebook, deleted every trace of him and his number on my cell phone, deleted all our pictures together from my computer, and blocked and deleted him from AIM. Sadly, this is the only way I am going to get over my feelings for him (It's not even about the hope of getting back together anymore because I don't).

Now there is no way I can ever contact him and he contact me. I even gave him the courtesy of sending a last Facebook message and told him to not be offended for unfriending him and that it's for my own purposes (so I don't annoy him anymore).

It's done. I am now going to embark on NC for at least a month. If by then I am still not over him, I will add month to my NC timeline until I am over him, in which case I honestly won't care one way or another if we stay friends, acquaintances, etc.

I'm sure he'll think me as "crazy" and "overreacting" as usual, but I honestly can't stop harboring feelings for him, whether under the façade of "friend." I can't let go, so I'm forcing myself to let go.

In many ways, I'm setting him and myself free.

I'm sure he'll understand (and be relieved. Lol).

Heres another fun fact about this site for you... Talaniman is always right.

It seems like everyone who responded was right. :o Thanks once again!!