:confused:

I have a question, my husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times. AND he user name is hornysailorman. I mean come on... you see my user name I mean damn that is my user name for everything.

A little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2005.

I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore.

Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED??

Um... yeah.

Not communicating with you and 3 hours every night of porn is a problem. Sounds like he's addicted, really.

You may want to confront him, and see if he will go to marriage counseling with you, because you're probably going to need it.

I second that.

He's just going through the motions.

No communication kills relationships.

Porn.. well that's up to the couple and how they interpret it... some couples report it helps their sex life, some couples believe it can destroy a marriage, but you aren't doing this as a couple.

So the big concern is he isn't engaged in this relationship. Porn is just the outlet he's using to fill whatever gap there is.

Time to have a serious talk.

I refer you to the first sentence of your post. Anything that takes a spouse away from the other spouse, (ex: 3 hours after working) especially after being away from them for a 10 hour day is wrong unless it would be the care of a sick child, etc. Even if a child is chronially ill, a couple still needs to arrange time to be spent together for closeness and loving, and renewing their love.

I would be very worried about the lack of communication between the two of you. At the ages you are, both of you should be fulfilling each other's desires with each other, bonding, becoming closer in body and soul.

My personal belief is that porn is wrong.

Anything that takes time away from those you love by such large blocks of time would concern me, whether it be sports, porn, alcohol, gambling, daydreaming, reading for hours at a time, shopping, and the list could go on forever. Anything that controls your time rather than you controlling your own time is of great concern in not only a marriage but just for the individuals mental and emotional state of well-being.

He should not shut you out or look at porn because of your weight but if that is a concern for you, then I would encourage you to begin an exercise program, better food choices, etc. BUT, do this for yourself, not to keep him interested in sex with you. If he is hooked on porn, it probably won't make much difference if you are slim or overweight. This seems to be more about his self-gratification and not about your marriage.

I wish you the best. I would just encourage you to address these issues with him and express your concerns and your emotions it is putting you through. He is your husband and needs to know your needs. Maybe by sharing your concerns with him, it might make him more aware of your need to have time with him. Perhaps he will then share what he is needing from you to make him a better husband to you. Just communicate.

EDIT: I started this post then got pulled away. I should have checked to see if other's had posted. They addressed the same issues but maybe seeing this many voice some of the same concerns will help you also. Best to you!

As to whether porn is wrong, personally, I'm believe it is, but that is because of my religious beliefs. But what I can tell you is that him spending 3 hours a night looking at it definitely is! It sounds like he has an addiction! Also, not even attempting to spend time with you is also wrong.

I would be worried about the dating sites. It sounds like maybe it started with a fantasy, and now he is taking it to the next level by going to the dating sites. To me, it sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral.

You say he refuses to change, refuses to talk to you, and claims if you cleaned more he would talk to you. Honey, this guy has no idea how to respect a woman! You are a valuable, beautiful, intelligent human being, and this guy isn't treating you that way. He goes to work, comes home and trashes the house, then spends three hours on line looking at naked woman and now he's trying to meet them? And then he has the nerve to blame it on you!? That make me so mad! What a jerk!!

You said you didn't have the money to go to counseling. Have you considered finding a local minster or religious leader of your choice that would sit down and talk to you? (no offense, if you aren't a religious person) If you explain to the minister that you and your husband are having some problems and need help with your marriage, then I'm sure he/she would be happy to help. At least, the minister at my church always is. It might be worth giving it a shot, since it's free.

Ultimately, you have to do what will make you happy. Give it some time, keep encouraging him to seek help, keep trying for a while. But, if time goes by and this guy doesn't change, don't feel bad if you leave him. You are young and have your whole life ahead. Don't waste time with a guy who doesn't care how you feel.

Good luck, and I'm always on here if you ever need someone to talk to. Just send me a message or make a post. Just remember that you are a wonderful person, and don't let this guy drag your self-esteem down.

You wrote: " this is is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old."

How long have you been married? Is he still under warranty? If not, marriage counseling/therapy is a must. Sounds as though he has no conscience; therefore, he could be an adict.

You wrote: " this is is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old."

How long have you been married? Is he still under warranty? If not, marriage counseling/therapy is a must. Sounds as though he has no conscience; therefore, he could be an adict.


We got married April 5th 2007. We are not even on our 1 year mark yet.

You may be suffering 'new-relationship syndrome'; I hope you will find marriage/relationship counseling helpful because I can appreciate that your husband is disappointing you a great deal.

You may be suffering 'new-relationship syndrome'; I hope you will find marriage/relationship counseling helpful because I can appreciate that your husband is disappointing you a great deal.


I have been depressed for about 3 weeks now. Disappointing is not even the tip of the ice burge

This one might sound the same as another one, but I didn't get the answer I was looking for. So I thought that I would try again. Please help, any answer will help no matter how big or how stupied it may sound.

My husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times or somrthing like that. AND he user name is hornysailorman. I mean come on... and we only have sex once a month, is that normal??

A little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2006.

I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore. What can I do about that.

Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. He says that is looking something up for work and that he needs the door closed because it is to cold with it open, and to stay warm he has to close it. BS. He will be in there for about an hour and I will find something to put away that has to go into the back room and every time I knock on the door and he yells back " hold on.... rusel, zip, a click click form the computer, and then a come on in". And when I walk in the computer screen is back to the main screen. What would you think?? What wound be going on in your head?

We talk at night before we go to bed, that is where I feel like it is eazer to talk to him, and he said that he loves me and doesn't want a devorce,(witch he as thretened me a few times if I don't start picking up the house more) and that he is sorry that he is spending all that time back there. He said yesterday that he is done with the work crap that he has to do, soooo we will see how much time he spends back there now. And another thing, he sciped luch today, he always comes home for lunch. But I love him and trust him that he says he is working.

We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED??

Moderator note: Please do not post the same question (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/porn-worng-172688.html) twice.

Sounds like he has an addiction, and he needs help for that. He's already left the relationship emotionally, in my opinion. And with that profile on the dating site, it might even be MORE than emotionally.

My husband and I don't believe that porn is necessary in a marriage, so if I were to find him spending that much time on a computer, hidden away from me, with a dating profile, I would consider that a form of cheating. I would confront him about it, and I would find SOME sort of counseling for us as soon as possible.

For some reason or other, I don't recommend confrontations, but I do recommend you getting help from a relationship/marriage counselor, whether from a school or church or county services. You want someone who is competent in the field as well.

You have a very serious problem. It's not that your husband likes porn, it's that he is only having sexual gratification with porn. He fell in love with you the way you are, but men are usually ( I am not saying ALL men so don't jump me) very visual creatures. Put on something sexy? Ask him if you can watch him, or be with him while he is watching porn, and maybe sexually please him? Just a suggestion, it may or may not work for you. Communication is the biggest missing factor here, you are both young, and maybe afraid to verbally discuss certain subjects. I wish you ALL the luck, but it's time to speak to him!

He and I talk alitttle. We do it at night when we are in bed and that way I feel at eas. We have talked the other night he says that he loves me more then anything, and that he things that in still sexy, whe he gets home he wants to do so many things that he can't do. Like spend time with me, email his buddys, and watch TV. But he can't because of the hours that he is pulling, and a few things have to suffer. And he doesn't mean to hurt me but he thought I wound understand. And I told him again that what he has been doing hurts.

I asked him what happened to the man that I married, we spent a lot of time together, watching TV together, going on car rides, going out to dinner, (witch was nurmaly fastfood but we were together), and that back then you tuched me. I told him that he does not even tuck me anymore, besides when he leaves to go to work, he gives me a peck on the cheak. All he could say was sorry, and that he didn't realies what he was doing to me and that he is really sorry. He said that he loved me, I said love you too and we when to bed.

So...

Sounds like you made some progress! What do you think? Is this something to build on?

We are going to work on it. But we both love each other and that I know to be true. :)

Personally, and I do mean personally Porn is worse than wrong.

It portrays women as nothing more that lusting babes that will do anything just to get a male to penetrate themselves in any one opening large enough to accommodate the size of the telephone pole of a penis. Not to mention, that for the next 20 minutes or so, this guy and gal will go at it solid and absolutely no ejaculation from the male for hours or as long as it takes to get the scene shot.

Ladies, when was the last time you went to the store or pulled into your driveway in absolute heat, get inside, get naked find your husband in bed with two other women and decided, what the devil, I'm joining in.

Yet when you watch this trash, that's what you see and condition yourself to.

Personally, I would much rather have my way with my lady, if I can get healthy enough again, in real time in real life. Its no fun for me to want to touch a TV screen when I can hold and make love to a real air breathing lady.

Ayashe,

Sorry to disagree. Porn is not set up for anything nobler than making money from people who shy away from real relationships. There is no moral or immoral reason other then to make money.

Actress's are a dime a dozen lined up to do this for a reason that is unfathomable to me.

Please, I understand. I don't like to see women degraded even if they want to be. But what is the point of showing porn on a TV or Screen that cannot be felt and touuched like a realperson.

The point?

The point is that some people are visually stimulated.

I humbly submit that most people who watch porn are aware that they they're watching a make-believe movie, and can tell the difference between a movie and real life.

I mean, people who like Bruce Willis movies don't go out and blow stuff up to save their city every couple months, do they?

And really--why is it always the WOMEN who are considered to be degraded in porn? Heck, the women are the ones that end up with marketing lines in sex toys! They make money even when they're NOT performing! Name one MAN that has done that! And really--when was the last time a MAN was treated realistically in porn, either?

If you don't like porn, and it does nothing for you--GREAT! Don't watch it! I don't watch action movies for the same reason--I can't suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy the movie. But--like EVERYTHING else in life--porn is fine in moderation. I can't say it does much for me, personally, but it's a nice tool that the hubby and I use together. We've ALSO used "The Joy of Sex" books, romance coupons, naughty dice, handcuffs, blindfolds, sex toys, and erotic literature to spice things up---are all of THOSE things bad too?

You make an interesting argument but as to why do I see it as a humiliation of womanhood.

Lets think of all the ways women bend, fold spindle, sit, stand to get the guy inside of them. The "hunger or lust" for the penis up to and including chocking themselves with it. Yep that says to me I am woman, respect me.

Oh and by the way, put the radio on so I can tear my clothes off and ravish you since I'm here.

We are going to have to disagree on this one. I cannot see any woman willing to debase herself as seen in these pictures as a healthy person.

Something has twisted or skewed her self wealth or self appreciation to the point where she sees herself as nothing more than a life support system for a pu** and breasts.

After all everyone she meets wants at her.

In truth, I'll probably never know. The number of porn starlets we have over for dinner or that just drop in and take advantage of poor little me is just catching up on zero!

Just to play devil's advocate with you a bit (because I see your point, and I am glad you at least have a rational reason for disliking porn), since this discussion is somewhat interesting to me. And please--I'm not attacking your opinion. I just find your responses intelligent, and would like to further the discussion, if you don't mind.

Couldn't the same argument be said of the men in those movies? After all, they are narrowed down to just a penis (seriously--the male bodies and faces in porn movies are generally awful. Male porn stars are chosen for penis size only) and they generally don't get THEIR pleasure in any of it until she has taken HER pleasure every which way from Sunday.

Men in these videos are often reduced to such roles as "gardener" or "cable man" or "pool boy"--demeaning positions, making him less than the woman to begin with.

IF you accept my argument that porn debases men as much as it does women--then doesn't porn just make sex about the mechanics of the action, not the intimacy involved? If that's the case, and the people watching it KNOW that that's the case--where's the harm?

I used to get together with a group of friends, mostly male (I've never been one of those women with a lot of female friends; I enjoy the straightforwardness of men to the games so many women play) on Monday nights in college. It started as a movie night, but, being poor college students, our selection was limited by what we ourselves owned at the time. After about 5 months, we ran out of movies, and someone suggested a porn.

Let me tell you---I learned more about sex and communicating about sex from watching those movies with friends. There was never any sexual advances toward the women in the room (or toward the men from the women, either)--it was just another movie that we watched as a group and did our version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 to. I learned that much of what is portrayed isn't even a turn on. I learned that different things turned different people on, or intrigued various people. I learned that most of the guys I knew didn't care for the lack of intimacy in the sex scenes, or expect a woman to look THAT good.

In return, the guys learned some things from us women--that sometimes there really ARE times when we just want to rip his clothes off and go at it. The different stances on spitting and swallowing, and WHY we felt that way. I've had some of those guys come back and thank me later through the years for being so frank about it, because now their wives like the TALKING in the bedroom.

So really--I think that porn, like everything else, is situational. If you're watching it alone every 3 hours to get off, and can't get off with your partner--then it's a problem. If it gives you unrealistic expectations of sex--it's a problem (but then again, I say the same thing about love movies and romance novels giving unrealistic expectations of love).

If it's watched to open communication, or to get ideas to spice up a sexual rut, or to just get off and get some sleep once in a while--I don't see a problem.

It's when it's habitual, or when it's become an addiction, that it's a problem.

PS--Just want to point out that the porn industry is actually in trouble right now. Why? Home videos on the internet of actual real people is stealing much of its clientel.

Dang it, Synen, I read that entire epistle thinking you were really playing devil's advocate and were going to ask donf a question. What happened?

Erm... sorry.

I think my questions were: Why is it only women objectified? Even if it IS objectification, can't porn be good if it opens communication, or makes you learn about yourself?

I was just curious what kind of porn donf may be watching?

Our admiration guides our affection
Our affection guides our attitudes
Our attitudes guarantee our action

I think this is part of what we are being told by Brocksgirl. It began with viewing porn and now he is on a dating site.

What happened to the "Art of Love Making"?

Whatever you feed, grows. Spending time on porn, feeds your desire for more porn, spending time in frantic shopping, feeds your desire to shop more, spending time gambling, feeds your desire to gamble. If Brocksgirl's husband or anyone would put more into developing the "Art of Love Making", it would enhance every part of your day, in my opinion.

I am a visual person. I enjoy making love with the lights on with my husband because of this but the visual is my husband, not some guy I have watched on a movie. If we have had an argument but one of us are wanting sex, we do just have sex and it is great but it does not hold a candle to "making love". The depth of what is given and received in that context is limitless. Just the art of kissing seems to be getting lost these days.

:confused:

i have a question, my husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS.... then i found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should i be worried?? or is this just another way for him to get off. the thing that really bothers me is that i seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is seperated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times. AND he user name is hornysailorman. i mean come on.... you see my user name i mean damn that is my user name for everthing.

a little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, im 21 he is 23, im alittle over 300lbs and he is like 220. he is 6'3 and im 5'10. we met online on eharmaney around march2005.

i am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but im worried that he does not find me sexy anymore.

some of my friends say that i should talk to him............ well i have, more times then i can count. i have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. but he still does it. we can't go to conseling because we dont make that kinda money. the thing is i am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he tv. saying that maybe if i picked up the house alittle more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
this it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED?????
I don't think it is wrong for your husband to like or watch porn, but personally I do think it is wrong for him to go onto date rooms of any kind it must be awful for yourself esteem if I was you id give him a good talking to and tell him how you feel otherwise it will eat away at you

Synnen,

Just out of idle curiosity, are you playing with the spelling of your name as in (sinning?)

I guess I'm skewed by more than a little. I'm 61 this Thursday. I've been married for almost 42 years. Prior to marrying my lady at 18 we had no sexual hoopla's or Love In's.

We were very, very good friends a year after we met. We decided to get married and neither one of us had any idea of the maelstrom of events and how they were to change.

To be honest with you, any woman can fascinate me and drive me to the edge of the universe in despair for being spurned. However, I'll get to go home to be with the one person who has taken me from diapers to manhood to middle age. This lady has nursed me back from death when I suffered a Pulmonary Embolism. Literal Bonnie had to stick her nose almost to my skin to see if she could pick up the scent of gangrene.

When I got high enough in salary, I began taking Bon on business trips with me. I've been asked to re-locate 5 times over 38 years, by IBM and then Lexmark. My wife's career's just started and entered. One time she asked me not to take the assignment to Dallas. She wanted me to take a spot in Orlando.

She went to Dallas with me. She always supports me without pushing me. She always claimed that when the corporate life ended I would still have to come home to her.

All she ever asked me about career is to try to do better, take on challenges and do my best. Never forget that in our world family would come first, last and only.

My lady and I have one son - one grandaughter. We buried 3 son's back in the mid seventies. I was useless to help her. I had no concept of how much pain and misery I could cause her just because I was to dense to consider her.

Against this backdrop, you paint the picture of porno. I have to ask what is there for me to compare my wife to as opposed to porno queen.

A funny thing we developed over the years was meeting for lunch. When I left the field as a went into the IBM and Lexmark Labs we still would find time to meet for lunch.

Surprisingly with out rhyme or reason some ended in romantic romps. Again, I come back to porno, why do I need to wash my brain in sexual fantasy on the tube when a real warm feeling woman is at my shoulder. My imagination cannot hold a candle to Bon's. And none of it is smutty. I've come to believe that it is pure Love without attachment's

How can I then be with this lady and treat her as less than a lady!

As to the male stars, I can honestly say that I have no desire to get into a measurement contest, you know a tack versus a pile driver kind of mentality.

I apologize for the length of this missive, but I honestly believe that this lady has so blessed and enriched my life and the entire time I had no clue of the me she found under the rock tough snotty Bronx Boy.

Donf---that's just beautiful. Seriously---I had tears in my eyes reading. You're one lucky couple, that I'm sure has had to work at being so lucky.

Congratulations :)

George1950,

Here's the kind of porn I've been watching today. I was up at 05:30, I don't remember why. At 09:25, Bonnie opened the spare bedroom door to check on me before she left for work. I was told to, eat breakfast before I take my meds, nebulized, stay in bed and for God's sake call her if I needed help. No hero suffering today, please (Like's that's going to happen anyway. If I have to suffer, I'm going to do it with an audience) I woke up again around 11:00, fooled around with an FM radio that I'm trying to get a little more bandwidth on.

Then I did go out to the living room, sat in my, "Thoughtful spot" and stared at the Christmas tree that I've yet to take down.

So as aptly described by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello, slowly I turned and found some of the decoration boxes and started putting the decorations up. When the sweating started, I sat back down, sucked down another 32 ounces of Iced Tea and went back to work.

Early afternoon showed up so I put a Clive Cussler book on the cd player ans listed to the first three discs.

We had our conversations about porno and that was it. Bon and Jim came in the door, fixed dinner for me and the are watching TV and I'm in my Thoughtful spot again.

Look, I'm no prude, by any means. Yes, I've seen porn, particular when at sea as a just after diapers. Its just not an art form for me. I prefer to hold my wife and breathe in her various scents. I trip out over the real woman not the celluloid image.

I do have a very close friend, who is a porn star. She is a great woman, married, and wonderful person in general. We will have to agree to disagree on this one! I have been married 20 years, and if hubby and I watch something on a porn, that one of us wants to try, we give it a go! Again, its adult entertainment, just as gambling, or being online. Any of the entertainments, as an addiction, is a problem.

Porn isn't nearly as worse as a dating site. Because it means he's actually interacting with other women which is not a good thing. You say that you have talked to him and he doesn't talk he just "listens" You need to think Do you want to be in a relationship/Marriage with someone who's basically cheating on you. The time he is spending on the computer he should be spending with you. If you have tried talking to him then you should not come home one day. I don't know put him to the test Maybehe will realise that you are a great person and he really loves you. If he truly oves you he will choose you over the computer. Maybe instead of him having to go on the computer you could dress up into something sexy when he comes home. Make him see that he dusnt have to jack off to some chick on webcam when he has a beautifull woman he loves in the next room. I don't know if this helps at all. Good luck.

I don't think that porn itself is your problem. Porn can be healthy as long as your partner doesn't become REPLACED by it. It seems that your husband has taken it to another level. Porn is a fantasy... women/men you will never meet. Being a member of a dating site makes it all a little too real. The next step would be a meeting with an actual person-cheating...

When you try to talk to him about it, how are you approaching him? Do you yell, accuse, or nag? I am a VERY argumentative person, and I have learned in the past that such an approach usually doesn't get you the reaction you really want. It can shut the person off and make them not want to listen. Come out and ask him if your weight is the issue. If it is, ask him if he would be willing to work on changing diet and exercise routines TOGETHER (you would get into better shape, be more healthy, and get closer to each other!)

Finally, it's obvious that you don't have very high self esteem. People can only love and respect YOU as much as you love and respect YOURSELF! You need to work on that before any of the problems in your marriage can truly be resolved.

I did like Peggyhill's suggestion to find spiritual (free) counselling--I am not religious myself and I don't know if you are, but it couldn't hurt.

Okay,

I have no qualm about anyone watching porn. Or even enjoying porn.

I'm was trying to isolate my responses to my perspective(only) on the subject.

I've never met a porn star, male or female. Come to think of it, I've never met a promiscuous female or a sexually obsessed woman. But I have not as yet hung a sign out front advertising for them either.

I would truly like to have the strength of character to meet and talk and appreciate and decide on the person without feeling like I have to get her out of her clothes and let her have her way with me. Personally, I believe that any guy can be had by any woman with minimal effort.

In my situation, I would not like to fail that test. What's is so wrong with being happy where and with who you are with? What can another woman offer me that my own lady cannot? I guess I just will never find out and that's okay with me.

I'm going back under my rock, it's my safety zone!

Nothing is wrong with it, donf.

Those of us actually advocating porn aren't advocating that someone become obsessed with it!

The question was asked "Is porn wrong?" In the OP's situation--yes, it is, because porn is replacing her.

I don't think, though, that porn in general is wrong. Or rather--I don't think it's any MORE wrong than sex toys, romance novels, erotica, or watching a movie about a love story. It's the way that it's used, and the way a particular person reacts to it that is wrong.

I guess to me, it's like alcohol. In moderate amounts, at the right time, alcohol is a nice thing. It's when someone puts alcohol before their family, their own safety, and the safety of others that alcohol use is wrong.

Synnen,

To say nothing is wrong with watching porn is too much of a simplification for me. I just can't get comfortable with porn as being a entertainment experience.

Watching "Mary Poppings" almost 700 times was an entertaining experience as much as watching Gregory Peck as Atticus Fitch or Captain Newman MD.

My all time favorite, Angie inson was an entertainment experience for me and I think she always managed to have clothes on.

What I don't like to see is all the information on the "How we did it" dumped on the screen for us technocrats to learn. TV, Legit, Movies are mediums that abound with opportunities to astound us with illusion. Why go around and tell us the mechanics of the illusion.

Why remove the allure, the mystery and the feminine charms of a woman. I guess I a hopeless romantic. I'd rather have the real live person to hold, touch and feel, listen to her breathing Smell her perfume feel her skin, "Just be with" if you know what I mean. Not have to look at a screen and think, gee I wonder what that would be like?

Still on friendly terms?

Of course we're still on friendly terms!

Difference of opinion doesn't make for war every time!

Agree to disagree?

The problem isn't whether porn is good or bad, but a husbands behavior towards his female, which is making her feel terrible. Of course she takes it personally, but as with any addiction it is causing problems, and needs to be addressed. As with any addiction, help is needed to guide him through the process of recovery. At least they are talking which is great, but until he start losing the things he loves, he will never get real help. In other words, its time to stop accepting his behavior, and being guilty about it. That only makes it worse.

Honestly, having the living room spotless is not what is keeping him from the living room. He is displacing his addiction on you, to make you feel like it is your fault for what he is doing. Sexual addiction is based more on his need for the "chase", not merely the pornography itself. As far as the pornography goes, it is only going to get worse. The reason porn addicts spend so much time online looking at porn is because they are more addicted to the anticipation of getting off, which means they will spend longer and longer online to find an image that best represents their fantasy for the evening.

Sometimes this can lead to an addiction too much worse. I suggest you separate from this man as soon as possible. By staying with him, you are demeaning yourself. It will only continue to hurt you more and more until you have no more hope. In addition, his activity online may or may not be legal or his tastes will reach an illegal status.

I read that Eharmony and other dating sites are viewed by men, as a means of getting sex. I went on a date through this site, and true enough, he was only looking for sex. Many times men will prey on vulrenable women for security, engage in demeaning behavior, and treat their partner badly to keep them perpetually insecure.

Your weight is not the issue. Your self-esteem is the issue. He knows he has power over you, especially since you are married. I have a lot of experience with this issue and was in therapy for two years. Please message me if you need a caring person to talk to. In the meantime, make an appointment with the doctor and go with your husband. There are anti-depressants that can be prescribed to hinder the libido and help curb the addiction.

I know you said money is tight, so he might be able to attend AA meetings and/or get a free referral from your doctor. As far as meds, some practices have free samples. I am not saying that anti-depressents are the best option, but I have heard the success rate is high. You are very strong to handle this so maturely. This has happened to me in the past, and it took me a very long time to view it rationally.

Love yourself first.
<3 laney.

Make no mistake this is largely his problem, and I hope you help yourself also at this time, as others have said, with someone to talk to, to help you through this, as you need to love yourself, and seek to do things that make you a happy fulfilled person, outside of your husband. Waiting for him to come home and make you happy, can only magnify the situation, and make it worse when he does not.

I give up, I will yield to my obvious lack of knowledge regarding intrinsic values of porn (?), adulterous affairs and free sex and of course, "It's just sex!

I'm officially advertising for all the free physical, uncommitted female teachers available to me here in my area to stop by, demonstrate your logic and of course everything else.

However, I do ask that this current arrangement be passed through my wive for her approval. I do not want to conflict with anything she has pre-scheduled for me. All you need to do is send her a note at [email protected].

Starlets can group to the right of my door, Film demonstrators to the left. Morticians, come right in! :)

Donf--

It's not that we're knocking your situation. What you have is GREAT, and even better--it works for YOU.

After nearly 12 years with my husband (I know it doesn't come close to measuring up, but hey--I am only 33 here!), I think what WE have is pretty great, too, and it works for us. What we have, though, occasionally includes porn--both solo and together.

My philosophy on porn (and on sex in general) is this:

As long as it doesn't hurt your partner, or hurt your relationship, AND you talk about it--where's the harm?

That philosophy works for porn, it works for masturbation, it works for pretty much any kind of sex act you could do. Like to get off while standing on your head in a clown suit? GREAT! You just have to talk to your partner and make sure that he/she is okay with that, too. If he/she isn't, well then--you either need to not get off in a clown suit while standing on your head (which would mean it wasn't THAT important to you to begin with) or you need to move on, and find a partner who is either okay with the head-standing clown suit thing or actively encourages it. To me, understanding that there are some things my husband likes that I don't, but I love him enough to either let him have those pleasures alone (porn on his computer when I'm too tired to please him, or too ill,or whatever) or join along with him (having a risqué photo shoot so that he has ME to look at instead of some chick on the internet) so that our sex life stays spicy and fun.

It's about honesty, communication, and what works for YOU.

Obviously, porn is not your cup of tea. Great! It is ours, kind of. As in... my husband likes his little clips on the internet occasionally, and I really like bodice rippers :)

Anything is cool between healthy consenting adults.

Synnen,

I am in no way poking fun at you or your belief system or even how you arrived at where your are. Wouldn't this be a boring place if we all thought the same. Get out the white paint and cover the world, we are the same so we blend!

Actually the more I think about it, the funnier it seems tome that I have so many "Opinions" on something I really know so little about. It's comical, at least to me.

I like to tell tales of "My married life" so I have an example of just how much of a "free thinker" I am.

Early 1966, my oldest brother, Bill (Deceased) is going through a divorce. Rich (middle Brother), originally intended by our mothers for Bonnie, and of course my lady and I were sitting at an "Irish" bar ( sure now, can there be another watering hole, so fine) in the Inwood Park area of the Bronx (NW). Let's see Bonnie and I would have been 19 by then. We are married.

The sitting arrangement has me to the far left, Rich, Bonnie and Bill. Just to the left of me one seat over is a "Colleen." drinking a beer.

Bon and Bill are having a nasty bit of conversation regarding his soon to be former wife, sleeping with his then best friend.

Irish barley, it's derivitives and I get along just fine. Beer, however is another tale of woe, One or wo of "sips" have been become famous for sending me to La, La Land.

Any way, next thing I know, here's the lass from my left, sitting next to me and rubbing her leg against mine. H'm, I think to myself, what the hell does she want, (I'm a Irish Man's Man especially with a little beer in me).

Bonnie is ripping Bill several new orrifices, Rich is laughing and I forgot where I was at the time, probably at some binary level trying to figure out why the clock across the street was lit in Orange instead of the "Blessed Kelly Green"

So I gently push Rich back and lean towards Bon and tell her this lass wants something. Frozen in mid sentence with her lips moving so slow I heard a blur of what does she want?

Still seeing the humor of the conversation, (I was fast approaching the bottom of my taste) and I tell Bon, now just how in the world would I know, she just keeps rubbing her leg against mine.

There it was, out into the open, I had once again entered into the valley of Death and I was alone and staring at pure fury with no place to run, hide or dig to.

Bon slowly puts her hand on my chest and ever so politely (because I remember thinking I had thought she looked so very, very vexed) asks the lady if she could help her with anything.

The lady said the since Bonnie had the other two of us, she thought she would just take me off her hands) What a smile Bonnie had on her face as the talons dug into my chest and she sweetly asked, is he being suggestive to you. No, she said, in fact she was pretty sure that I wasn't paying attention at all. Well blood flow starts again and great spurts of crimson shoot from the holes in my chest as Bon's talon grip relaxes.

The rest is seared into my brain path, Bonnie all of 5'3 of her stands, steps over to Rich, 6'3 Marine, just back from Chi-Li, Vietnam, takes him by the ear, drags him over to the other girls side "throws" him into an adjacent stool and tells him to stay. He did not move for the remainder of the night.

Bon, returns to her conversation with Bill after telling the girl that this one is mine, Do what you want to the other two, but he's mine!

I still remember the fierce look in Bonnie's eye when I asked her what had she wanted? She took by near empty mug, gave it to the tender and said give him one Jameson's on the rocks, nothing more unless I tell you. Yes mam! Was the only words heard in the bar at the time.

Yet here I sit auguring the merits and demerits of something that has never interested me in the slightest.

I look for ways to be with my wife. If God ever told be I could change anything about her, I hope and pray that I could have the strength of conviction to say, the lady is just perfect the way you created her, leave her be. You did wonderful work!

I like to listen to her breathe. Watch her chest rise and fall in sleep. Feel her burrow under an arm and snuggle in for some comfortable couch time. To me, God did fine, who am I to argue with that?

I agree with what the others have posted. I do not believe anything is wrong with porn, when viewed by an adult or shared with another consenting adult. Sometimes couples find it does help relationships. Do the two of you still have sex? It looks like he wants outside stimuli and the computer sites can become addicting, but if he posts that he is separated and looking, he's a slimy piece of because he is married. I know you love him, and I am sorry for saying that, but you love him and respect and honor him, as you vowed you would. He isn't respecting you, or honoring the commitment he made to you, which shows that his love may not be pure. You deserve to be loved, admired and adored. My sister is heavy and she has no problem with men finding her attractive. Did he enjoy you when you got married? He should love you for you, mind, body and soul. I think the porn sites are not only his way of getting off, but an escape. He probably hates how much he works, and he feels like that is his time to do what he wants. But being in a marriage isn't about doing only what you want, you're a partnership. If you have spoken to him about how it hurts you and he does it anyway, he evidently doesn't care that it hurts you. I know it may sound stupid, but as he is such a computer guy, try emailing him a letter, (but not too long) expressing how you feel (that you feel it's you that he doesn't want, that you want to be with him more, spending quality time) and maybe that may be better because he'll have to sit through and read it instead of listening over TV. Ask him how he'd feel if you did that, and his response will tell you volumes. I wish you the best, but don't blame yourself. He's the one with the problem, NOT YOU! It's so easy to blame yourself, find faults in everything that you do that you get sucked into becoming depressed. HE is the one that needs to change, and if he won't, evidently he's better off as a friend or less.

My best friend has the same problem as you, her long term byfriend of 20+ yrs is the same way, has even cheated on her many times, had his name on horneymatch.com and match.com and so on... he then gets a job driving truck and shacks up with a chick he met online on pogo.com and is leading a double life, but she wised up, threw his stuff out and him on his a**, he is still kissing hers trying to get back in but she is fed up! You should be too, if he is on dating sites, sorry, but he is on the way out of your life, don't let yourself live this way like my friend did for 20 yrs, she even has kids with him~ get out because this relationship is going to drive you crazy and rip yourself esteem to shreds, your worth more and better than that! It has already started sweety, you already think it is your fault and your not enough for him, get out of this now or you are going to get very hurt soon. I don't imagine you have changed that much in a year of marriage so your weight has nothing to do with it.

Yes, you should be worried. He is addicted to porn and neglecting you in the balance and that's not a good thing. I really think you do need professional counseling ; try to find some way to afford it.

I don't mean to step on anyone's toes, but it sounds like he has a sexual addiction and he needs counceling himself long term, however not all respond positivly to counseling, my friends b-friend went through sex addicts classes and was good for about 3 months then still went back to the same stuff, it is like crack seriously, counseling is not going to fix this, esspecially after only a yr. the marriage is too young and not yet strong enough to handle a problem this big. Her well being is at stake here, to heck with his issues, she is set to have a bunch of her own issues if she stays with him, so maybe counseling would help her to find out why she thinks so little of herself to let a man treat her this way? Love cannot always fix everything sorry. Trust me I myself have been married twice and am on 10yrs of marriage now.

As with most addictions, the only way to protect yourself against them, is to leave, and hope they fall on their face hard enough, to want to change.

I agree with what the others have posted. I do not believe anything is wrong with porn, when viewed by an adult or shared with another consenting adult. Sometimes couples find it does help relationships. Do the two of you still have sex? It looks like he wants outside stimuli and the computer sites can become addicting, but if he posts that he is separated and looking, he's a slimy piece of because he is married. I know you love him, and I am sorry for saying that, but you love him and respect and honor him, as you vowed you would. He isn't respecting you, or honoring the committment he made to you, which shows that his love may not be pure. You deserve to be loved, admired and adored. My sister is heavy and she has no problem with men finding her attractive. Did he enjoy you when you got married? He should love you for you, mind, body and soul. I think the porn sites are not only his way of getting off, but an escape. He probably hates how much he works, and he feels like that is his time to do what he wants. But being in a marriage isn't about doing only what you want, you're a partnership. If you have spoken to him about how it hurts you and he does it anyway, he evidently doesn't care that it hurts you. I know it may sound stupid, but as he is such a computer guy, try emailing him a letter, (but not too long) expressing how you feel (that you feel it's you that he doesn't want, that you want to be with him more, spending quality time) and maybe that may be better because he'll have to sit thru and read it instead of listening over TV. Ask him how he'd feel if you did that, and his response will tell you volumes. I wish you the best, but don't blame yourself. He's the one with the problem, NOT YOU! It's so easy to blame yourself, find faults in everything that you do that you get sucked into becoming depressed. HE is the one that needs to change, and if he won't, evidently he's better off as a friend or less.


That is what we are doing now. We are emailing each other. That is how we talk about the big problems. And with what we have been sending back and forth I think that we have come up with something that will work. We are still going to be married, because we love each other. And using his words he has never been on a dating site, and that masturbation is not cheating when your loving yourself.
The other thing is I just can't see myself wihout him. He is the other half of me that I have been looking for. He compleats me. We are talking at leaset and working it out. He was only on the computer for aout 3 hours last night, not all at the sametime. And then he spent the reast of the time with me and the puppy. So he is trying.and it was nice having him there with us. Even the puppy was happy to see him. Lol.

I understand you love him and him making an effort is great, just don't get blindsided by his all of a sudden "change" it may be temporary, I hope it is permanent for your sake, but him spending any time on dating sites when he is married is wrong OK? And as far as the masturbation goes, it is cheating if he is doing it to the exclusion of you, meaning you are not having sex because he is doing himself.

Please help, any answer will help no matter how big or how stupied it may sound.

My husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times or something like that. I mean come on... we talked about this the other day and he said that he has never went on to these sites, and I have been on these sites.. looking for him. And he can look into the computer and see what sites I have been on, I can't because I don't know how. But he said that he thinks I'm the one cheating because of the sites that I have been on. But I'm not...

A little info about us, we got married April2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2006.

We have been talking about what is going on, and he is getting better about going back there. Last night he only spent 3 maybe 4 hours back there. Came out ate dinner with me and the puppy and spent the rest of the night out there wuth us. That is like 4 hours. All together he spent about 6 hours with me and the dog. He had to wor also so 8 hours at work, 6 hours with us. That is not bad.

I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore. What can I do about that. We only have sex once a month, is that normal??

Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. He says that is looking something up for work and that he needs the door closed because it is to cold with it open, and to stay warm he has to close it. BS. He will be in there for about an hour and I will find something to put away that has to go into the back room and every time I knock on the door and he yells back " hold on.... rusel, zip, a click click form the computer, and then a come on in". And when I walk in the computer screen is back to the main screen. What would you think?? What wound be going on in your head?

We talk at night before we go to bed, that is where I feel like it is eazer to talk to him, and he said that he loves me and doesn't want a devorce,(witch he as thretened me a few times if I don't start picking up the house more) and that he is sorry that he is spending all that time back there. He said yesterday that he is done with the work crap that he has to do, soooo we will see how much time he spends back there now. And another thing, he sciped luch today, he always comes home for lunch. But I love him and trust him that he says he is working.

We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES ME, BUT SHOULD I BE WORRIED??

I don't want to hurt your feelings but what I have to say is blunt like a talking you would get from a Dutch Uncle.

Dear, you are way overweight to begin with. Yes, he may love the girl inside as you put it, but any man who spends that amount of time on internet porn sites obviously is interested in what the outside looks like as well. You are only 21 and can lose the weight easier than if you were 50. You need to address your weight problem NOW, not later.

Any man who imerses himself in porn has a real problem if he does this day in and day out. There is something wrong with his thinking also as far as emotions are concerned about love and sex. His lame excuse of you picking up the house after he messed it up is typical of a selfish person's thinking. He is making you essentially his personal slave whether you realize it or not. And yes, he is 3 years old in his mentality by doing this.


This relationship sounded good to him when he started it, but now that the glow has rubbed off, I can see that he's headed in a different direction. Skipping lunch and not coming home is just how men start drifting away from their wives. He's going to "have to work" late pretty soon also I predict.

This guy seems to have nothing in common with you now. You can either put up with this porn in the closet freak who WILL start demanding that you and he have sex in the most disgusting ways imaginable to mimic what he's looked at in the backroom OR you can lose weight as best as you know how through a proper weight loss program and exercise and maybe he'll notice the slim, sexy wife he's married to and come back to you and reality instead of his fantasy.

Oh yes there is such a thing as a porn addiction with some men. It's no different than alcohol or smoking with them either. It is very hard to break this addiction also.

Thanks you for you help tewinkiedooter. I am trying to loose the wight, I'm walking the dog everyday and try to eat better. But he is a militiry man, he works 6:30 am to 5pm, or sometimes later. He does not have a normal 9-5. and for the past 2 weeks he has been bringing his lunch with him.
But the ting that really gets to me is that this is not the man that I married. When we were dating he would open the door for me, pull up the front so the I can get out of the rain then he would park the car, we would go out to eat at lease 2 times a week, we sat around watching TV together, drinking and just having a good time.. I love this man to death and I'm will do try anything to get him back to the man he was.

Honey... if he won't go to counseling, you should go yourself.

Don't hand me the don't have money thing, either, if he's military. Most bases have free counseling on hand.

You deserve better than he's treating you, and if he won't change, then you need to leave. You do not deserve to be treated like a servant, who needs to pick up the house for him to be happy.

And while I don't think that porn by itself is bad--the way your husband is using it IS. He is probably addicted. Ask him to go a week without it, for the sake of your marriage. If he's not willing to, then you have your answer: He's putting it before you, and before your marriage. Are you willing to live with that?

I am sorry, but I have to be very blunt with you: losing weight to win back your partner from porn is NOT the answer. I think you are having a hard time admitting to yourself that he is the problem, and not you. When you phrased your question, you asked: "Is porn wrong?".
Of course porn is not wrong. If you think clinging on to the responses that say porn is okay, will help justify your denial of the situation, think again.

When people make healthy choices, they have healthy minds. When people lose weight successfully, they do it for themselves. Just like your partner has to admit to his addiction on his own, you have to admit to yourself that in order to have a healthy body, you must have a healthy mind. I know its easier to think that you can save your relationship by trying to convince your partner you are worthy, but think about it: you already are! He does not define who you are!

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe perhaps he was this way before he met you? He met you on a dating site, and still belongs to several. He used to open doors for you? He doesn't anymore? That is all apart of courtship. And it worked!

Is this the life you want? Do you want to live the rest of your life trying to please a man, and not yourself? I believe we can all do wonderful things for ourselves with others as a catalyst or as inspiration, but is he supportive of you? You are 21 years old, with so much ahead of you. 3 hours of everyday that should be devoted to family, are devoted to pixels, mpegs, and high heels of other women. While he might be living in a fantasy world of fake women and staged sex, you are living in a fantasy world of forced domestication, unworthiness, and denial.

Losing weight involves re-programming how you view yourself, the world, and how you fit into that world. Your idea of romance is watching t.v. eating out twice a week, and drinking with your partner. His idea of romance is 3 hours sitting in the back room.

Believe it or not, you are being abused, programmed, and hard-wired to accept his behavior in favor of trying to rekindle what you thought this man was. Do you even know yourself? Your twenties should be about finding out who you are, your goals, your beliefs, your dreams...

Please focus on your hobbies, your education, and your health. Do not waste that on him! See a free counselor, join a group, focus on activities that make you happy--because at the end of the day, the only person you have is YOU.

Your husband has a PROBLEM! And its not your weight. As a 24 year old woman, I know what it is like to be naïve and think "if I just did this", "or if I just would have done that" maybe you could make something better. Stand up to your man! Put a filter on your computer! Let him know that what he is doing is pathetic, and that you did not marry a pathetic man.

You are in for a world of pain and hurt if you continue ignore that your husband is a sex-addict and needs professional help. I will personally call therapists in your area who will see you two pro-bono. There are many creative ways to find help. Think outside the box, and help you're partner stop living in one!!

Hello. Here's my somewhat similar story.
Firstly I want to I thank everyone who finds the time and generosity to read my lines and try and give me a piece of advice. I apologise for the length of my message, but I guess my situation is really complicated. I've been married for ONLY 7 months (there are almost two years since we've been living together). No kids yet. After 2 months since moving to live with him, I noticed a significant relaxation in our sexual life. I also found every week in the laundry basket towels or other pieces of clothing smelling so specifically (you guessed) and I was wondering whether my nose plays tricks on me.
Whilst at the beginning of our relationship the sex was very good, gradually he started to neglect me in bed. One day it occurred to me to check the computer... I discovered he was watching porn on it and masturbating after I was going to bed, every 2-3 nights! I was shocked, appalled, scared, confused, sick! When I told him that I discovered what he's doing, first time he said he was very sorry, he blushed and promised he won't do it again. I started to think I don't know him at all. I got depressive, needed to go to doctor and take anti-depressant treatment.
But he did it again after a short while, this time hiding 'better' the traces of his 'sins'. I caught him, just checking a bit deeper the 'application history' on the computer. When I brought it up again, asking him why is he getting away with it knowing this hurts me so much and insults my dignity, he denied. But then when I showed him the evidence. He got mad, very disruptive, he threw around and broke a few objects in the house, shouting, screaming, like a mad animal. Eventually he admitted he still had watched, but added: 'So what, what harm does it to you? You shouldn't feel hurt by it, it's not a crime what I am doing! '. Can you believe it? He didn't even felt ashamed any longer.
Then he refined more and more his methods of cheating on me with his porn videos, but so did I with tracing them down. The horror went on and on, culminating one day, when I came back home from shopping (he had been alone for a few hours) and I found in the kitchen sink a mug - while trying to wash it up, I sensed a funny smell. Well, believe it or not, it was sperm in it. I can't describe how sick and disgusted I felt. I thought he's a monster, a heartless and shameless animal. An enemy, not my fiancé (at the time).
He continued lying to me. Every time when I asked him whether he stopped doing 'the bad thing', he swore he didn't any more. He lied with so much serenity! I felt so betrayed, so humiliated, so deceived. After six months of nightmare, I simply couldn't bare the fact he was constantly 'replacing' me with all those sluts doing devious things in his porn videos, instead of enjoying a normal, harmonious sex life with me, a normal woman loving him. I decided to tell about his scandalous habits to his parents. They were shocked. His father talked to him, telling him off, saying to him he's lose me if he went on with it. It was a critical time. For a couple of days we were like two ghosts living under the same roof, he hardly talked to each other (he is a very introvert, silent, not really communicative person anyway). This time the 'wonder' lasted longer. After all his promises, I believed him. I REALLY thought he was cured by abstinence (=not watching that crap for a longer while) and that he's doing it for my sake. We got married. I was so hopeful. I thought the past is only a bad dream. But then I discovered he had watched porn and masturbated in my absence again - it took him only a month and a half after our wedding. My trust was seriously breached. I got depressive again, the same ordeal. The communication between us was affected. Making love occurred more and more rarely. His performance poorer, so on and so forth. I am an emotional mess. I entered his life looking like a flower. Now, after less than 2 yrs living with him, I look 10 years older, tired, sad, I put on weight because I found the 'refuge' from stress in eating, my general health deteriorated. I only talked to my parents about it. They both, but especially my father, were so angry and disgusted when found out about his sick deviation! They would rather see me leaving him. I don't know why, I still love him. After every argument and row, when things cooled, he said he loved me. But to me, this nightmarish relationship seems to fade and die every day, I am so so unhappy, feel so humiliated, lied in my face, fooled.

I think you should be worried. Instead of fretting about it you sat him down and told him how you feel, which is always the best idea. The fact that he blamed the state of the house - which according to you is immaculate - for his little habit shows just how immature he is being. He's probably had this excuse ready for ages and was just waiting to use it!
If he was simply looking at porn i.e. magazines, films, pictures on the net, etc then I'd tell you to clip him round the ear and let him know that you'd much prefer him to be ogling you than some strange girl! But he's actually on a dating site which means he might be thinking about acting on his urges. Turn off the TV, sit him down and have one last word with him. Don't let him give you any 'the house isn't tidy' excuses, ask him once and for all why he prefers to talk to other women rather than his own partner. Be strong and keep focused (he might try to distract you or fob you off) and if he doesn't give a satisfactory answer then tell him you need a break. If neither of you can move out for a few weeks then move to another room and cut all contact with him - let him cook, clean and do his own laundry and on no account sleep with him! He'll either realise what he could be losing and do something about it or you'll realise you need to drop him altogether. It may sound harsh but it could be the boot up the backside he needs. Take care :)

I honestly think you both may need an unbiased, trained, third party to show you how to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both. There is no communications, nor have either of your actions, produced any positive results, and shaming him into compliance, by bringing family in, is a big deal breaker. You both have issues, that need to be addressed. Get some help, whether you stay together, or not.

There is much truth in quotes we hear through the years. Some quotes entertain but are forgotten. The following quote has been one that has stayed with me and I have found it to be true.

"WHAT YOU TOLERATE NOW WILL BE WHAT DESTROYS YOU LATER"
... Author Unknown

Dear friend, Pornography is morally, spiritually and physically wrong. As a responsible partner and a caring wife, you must show your true love by striving from today to bring him back from his porn addiction.
I stress again porn is evil and all evil ends in hell.
Talk to him with love and care and bring him back from the poisonous trap of porns.

You should get counseling. No amount of people on the internet can convince your husband what he is doing is wrong. Seek professional help. If he refuses to talk and discuss it with you he might be more compelled to speak with a professional. Don't wait any longer. If your marriage is in jeopardy fight for it and take immediate action.

This is not porn he is looking for he is looking for someone else to screw porn sights are different you look he is looking for sex confront him or you are surely going to lose him

To SYNNEN:
With great regret, I have to say how wrong your position sounds to me. You defend porn and the idea of accepting porn as something that doesn't harm if used 'in moderation' - how sad and still laughable. You also say it spices up your personal life.
I can only feel sympathy for you. You a/o your partner must have a very poor imagination and erotic natural input, since you need porn and other toys or tools to revive your sexual drive... Let alone the fact that porn is a cuckoo land populated with sickly pumped penises and overused vaginas. What's sad about people like you who embrace porn as a way of waking up their erotic senses is that they/ you don't realise how pathetic this is. How FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

To SYNNEN:
With great regret, I have to say how wrong your position sounds to me. You defend porn and the idea of accepting porn as something that doesn't harm if used 'in moderation' - how sad and still laughable. You also say it spices up your personal life.
I can only feel sympathy for you. You a/o your partner must have a very poor imagination and erotic natural input, since you need porn and other toys or tools to revive your sexual drive... Let alone the fact that porn is a cuckoo land populated with sickly pumped penises and overused vaginas. What's sad about people like you who embrace porn as a way of waking up their erotic senses is that they/ you don't realise how pathetic this is. How FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

Guess what?

My husband and I get ideas for our sex life from EVERYWHERE. Heck, you don't even NEED porn these days--just turn on "Desperate Housewives"! Porn has less of an impact on our sex lives than erotica, general fiction, PG-13 movies (that kiss in "Spiderman" was mmm mmm good), and the park across the street from my house. We both have pretty good imaginations, too, so some of it is just thinking about things and wondering how THAT would feel.

I defend porn because porn in and of itself is not harmful. What is harmful are the people that take it seriously, that believe that porn is what a real connection and real sex is like, the people who do not communicate with their partners when they see something they like.

People like you are the same people that lobbied against alcohol use during prohibition. Because THEY could not see a use for alcohol, and the harmful effects could be so easily pointed out, they got it banned for EVERYONE.

I feel sorry for YOU, that your mind is so closed to something that DOES benefit some couples--the couples that don't believe it's real to begin with, and so are able to watch it like they do any OTHER movie--with suspension of disbelief. I mean really--you don't think porn is REAL, do you? And I hate to tell you this, but pro-wrestling isn't real either. Even those reality shows on TV aren't real. I know, I know--shocking! I feel sorry for you that you've accepted porn as an actual representation of what goes on in the bedroom--which is the same thing that addicts do. You're not a porn addict are you? There are counselors out there that can help with that!

I can, in some ways, understand the stance of those dead set against porn. I feel the same way about Disney movies, and my little girls won't be watching ANY Disney until they are old enough to understand that love doesn't work the way that Disney represents it, and that a 16-year-old "princess" isn't likely to find her prince in the first guy she meets, marry him, and live happily ever after. I think it's an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are--yet we program our little girls as a society to believe it can happen, because we show them movie after movie in which it does! You want to talk about unrealistic!

Long story short--don't feel sorry for me. The only person on these boards that probably has a better and more satisfying sex life, with a true connection and communication with their partner is KP. That's not to say that none of the others have great relationships--I can think of several offhand that do--I'm just saying that my husband and I are open-minded, communicate to each other, and trust and respect each other.

We also don't think porn is "real", which is what I think the real problem with the people that hate it is.

I can, in some ways, understand the stance of those dead set against porn. I feel the same way about Disney movies, and my little girls won't be watching ANY Disney until they are old enough to understand that love doesn't work the way that Disney represents it, and that a 16-year-old "princess" isn't likely to find her prince in the first guy she meets, marry him, and live happily ever after. I think it's an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are--yet we program our little girls as a society to believe it can happen, because we show them movie after movie in which it does! You As want to talk about unrealistic!!

We also don't think porn is "real", which is what I think the real problem with the people that hate it is.

If, as you say, Disney movies represents love in an unrealistic way, that love doesn't work that way, and it is an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are, I have to say I agree with you. I think many a little girl has grown up with "Cinderella Syndrome" so to speak, and have been jarred by the reality of married life and have crashed and burned emotionally.

By the same token, as adults we know porn is not real but real people are set before a camera to pretend as if it is real. Camera men are viewing the bodies of these people, the people in the movies are not respecting their own bodies. They are allowing some stranger to touch them in places that should be reserved only for the person in their life that they have chosen to be their mate for life, such as you and your husband. I wonder in my mind, if these little girls you have who are not being allowed to watch Disney movies (and I can totally see your point) grow up and decide they would enjoy making porn movies, would you feel they had made a wise choice for their life? Anything can become addictive. We all have a propensity to become addicted to something in our lives. You mention people fighting against the making/selling of alcohol. My 37 year old nephew died two years ago from drinking too much and destroying his liver. He made the choice to drink but a little was not enough. He was the most precious person, so kind that life sometimes caused too much pain. His father took him out drinking and introduced him to the "night life" and now the father still lives, the son is dead... both drank. One can stop when he chooses, my nephew found it difficult to do so. He did quit the last year of his life. There are people who can view porn in the way you say you and your husband do but there are people who become addicted and a little is not enough and before you know it, they are viewing it at work and some losing their jobs because of it (where I worked there were people in state office whose only job was to scan what state employees were viewing online and if they were viewing porn, they were fired), and people like the husband in this first post, who watch porn for hours when they get home. It takes more and more to satisfy them and they remove themselves from their mates "real" life. It takes a lot of hard work and commitment being in a healthy real relationship. Porn allows the mind to do most of the work but destroys so many relationships. We are a people of choice. I just think if something harms others, we should be willing to step back and realize that not all people choose well. Maybe there are things in all of our lives, we could give up, for the sake of helping someone else not get caught up in something that might destroy their lives, even though we can take it or leave it, so to speak.

I think the shows you mention on TV are a prime example of the process of "gradualism".

There will always be alcohol, just as there was when it was illegal, there will always be drugs, there will always be porn, there will always be murders, rape, incest, etc. I have sin in my life and am addicted to things, as we all are to some degree, and deal with being obsessive/compulsive. So I write, not as a person who thinks I am strong or better than someone else but as one who believes we should respect ourselves and others.

I am thankful for this forum where we can all express what is in our hearts and share experiences that might help someone else along the way.

I do believe porn is wrong. I believe it debases both men and women.

I believe that people should be responsible for their OWN choices.

I don't want a government that is a nanny, telling me what I can and can not do in MY life because some other idiot (yes, I put that word out there) can't take responsibility for their OWN actions.

I don't think the following things are wrong, though they are destructive in the hands of those who do not make good choices: Handguns, prescription drugs, alcohol, fast food, sugar, revealing clothing (such as lingerie), computers, explosives, military training, pornography, box cutters, electricity, casinos, lottery tickets, video games (especially first-person shooters), music with explicit lyrics, religion (more people die for religion than for any other cause every year), tattoos, body piercings, alternative medicine, cell phones, television, and parenting (think of the damage that people not cut out to be parents do to their children!)

Basically, it comes down to choices.

If you don't like porn, GREAT! That's your choice! But then make that clear when you're dating someone, and either don't stay with anyone that DOES view porn, or lower your standards and accept that it is YOUR choice to stay with someone who does view porn--you don't get to be a victim if you stay when you don't like it. Either leave or accept that you're not going to get your way on it. Period.

What you should NOT do, though, is make things illegal because you can't handle those things. I personally would LOVE to make religion illegal! But instead I recognize that it's a choice that everyone makes, and regardless how destructive it is in the hands of the wrong people---everyone has to make their OWN choice about it. I choose not to support religion, rather than trying to take it away from the people that DO enjoy it.

:confused:

i have a question, my husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS.... then i found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should i be worried?? or is this just another way for him to get off. the thing that really bothers me is that i seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is seperated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times. AND he user name is hornysailorman. i mean come on.... you see my user name i mean damn that is my user name for everthing.

a little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, im 21 he is 23, im alittle over 300lbs and he is like 220. he is 6'3 and im 5'10. we met online on eharmaney around march2005.

i am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but im worried that he does not find me sexy anymore.

some of my friends say that i should talk to him............ well i have, more times then i can count. i have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. but he still does it. we can't go to conseling because we dont make that kinda money. the thing is i am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he tv. saying that maybe if i picked up the house alittle more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
this it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED?????
Yes, you should be worried. Porn is just wrong. He will end up cheating on you and becoming addicted to sex with other people. If he won't get help, you will both be unhappy.

For those that do not believe than pornography is not a bad thing, simply do a search at the top of the page for that subject and see how many relationships are in trouble because of porn addictions.

To counter that argument... do a search for "Am I pregnant" and see how many of THOSE relationships are failing because someone (usually the female) had the image that having sex meant that you were in love and were going to be together forever.

I honestly believe that for the average person the warped conceptions from porn are no more prevalent than the warped images of violence (look at all the school shootings out there!) or from romantic comedies (where everyone lives happliy ever after and no one ends up pregnant and on welfare and holding a grudge because he left for his previous babymomma).

Not having SELF CONTROL is what is wrong in those relationships, and not putting your partner ahead of yourself, and not taking responsibility for your actions.

Addiction to porn is a symptom of THOSE issues, and not the problem.

Its not the porn, it's the people who abuse it that's wrong. Like anything else in the world, people cross the line, and need help getting back. Should we get rid of everything that gets abused by humans? There would be nothing left.

Guess what?

My husband and I get ideas for our sex life from EVERYWHERE. Heck, you don't even NEED porn these days--just turn on "Desperate Housewives"! Porn has less of an impact on our sex lives than erotica, general fiction, PG-13 movies (that kiss in "Spiderman" was mmm mmm good), and the park across the street from my house. We both have pretty good imaginations, too, so some of it is just thinking about things and wondering how THAT would feel.

I defend porn because porn in and of itself is not harmful. What is harmful are the people that take it seriously, that believe that porn is what a real connection and real sex is like, the people who do not communicate with their partners when they see something they like.

People like you are the same people that lobbied against alcohol use during prohibition. Because THEY could not see a use for alcohol, and the harmful effects could be so easily pointed out, they got it banned for EVERYONE.

I feel sorry for YOU, that your mind is so closed to something that DOES benefit some couples--the couples that don't believe it's real to begin with, and so are able to watch it like they do any OTHER movie--with suspension of disbelief. I mean really--you don't think porn is REAL, do you? And I hate to tell you this, but pro-wrestling isn't real either. Even those reality shows on TV aren't real. I know, I know--shocking! I feel sorry for you that you've accepted porn as an actual representation of what goes on in the bedroom--which is the same thing that addicts do. You're not a porn addict are you? There are counselors out there that can help with that!

I can, in some ways, understand the stance of those dead set against porn. I feel the same way about Disney movies, and my little girls won't be watching ANY Disney until they are old enough to understand that love doesn't work the way that Disney represents it, and that a 16-year-old "princess" isn't likely to find her prince in the first guy she meets, marry him, and live happily ever after. I think it's an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are--yet we program our little girls as a society to believe it can happen, because we show them movie after movie in which it does! You want to talk about unrealistic!!

Long story short--don't feel sorry for me. The only person on these boards that probably has a better and more satisfying sex life, with a true connection and communication with their partner is KP. That's not to say that none of the others have great relationships--I can think of several offhand that do--I'm just saying that my husband and I are open-minded, communicate to each other, and trust and respect each other.

We also don't think porn is "real", which is what I think the real problem with the people that hate it is.

I have read and posted on this thread and continue to read the updates. On your avatar, you mention "Pride, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, etc." I believe I have a really clear view of how you look at porn from reading your posts but just today, in all the times I have read your posts and seen your avatar, it hit me that I don't know how you stand on these other issues. Perhaps this would need to be addressed on a separate thread but I guess when I would see your avatar, I assumed, (which one should not do), that you had the avatar as a warning of what negatives these can bring into a person's life. Today, I wonder if I misread your meaning to your avatar. You are listed as an expert therefore, I guess I thought you would have had a more balanced view of all these issues yet you are adamatly in favor of porn. Perhaps you could just share with me in a short paragraph here without new threads, if you condone and approve of these other issues in people's lives. As I said, I guess I was just being too naïve and never thought about this until today. I would appreciate if you have the time to address this just in short here. If you don't feel this is the appropriate thread to do so, I understand that also. Thank you for your time.

LOL... my avatar and my sig reflect my name--Synnen (Sinnin'). It's a very long, drawn out, inside joke from 7 years ago--but I've basically used the same name online for years.

I'm for moderation in everything, honestly. I hate the idea that things should be banned, or be thought morally wrong, or that something that may help one person should be thought evil because it hurt another. By that reasoning, peanuts are evil too, since some people are allergic!

I guess not moderation in EVERYTHING, really. I just feel that as long as what you are doing doesn't hurt anyone else, then there's really not an issue with it. Some couples love porn, some abhor it. The reason I defend it so stridently is because so many people condemn it out of hand. I feel the same way about drugs, alcohol, threesomes, sex before marriage, fetishes, kinks, open marriages, whatever. As long as no one is being FORCED into it--where's the problem?

So yes... I guess I do think that the "seven deadly sins" are okay--in moderation. Everyone SHOULD experience times when they are putting themselves first (avarice), or times of great lust (what would a great marriage be without great lust?) or envy (what motivates us to do better for ourselves if not the wish to have something someone else does, or to be like someone else? Everyone should also feel like they can stuff themselves occasionally--like Christmas or Thanksgiving--and give in to gluttony. People should have pride in a job well done. People should be angry at injustice. And what makes a good weekend even better than sleeping in, and laying around doing nothing--isn't that sloth?

So... moderation is the key. Not banning something because someone ELSE can't control themselves and keep it at moderation. That's the fault of the person with no self control, not of the "evil" thing that people want to ban and get rid of at all costs.

Part of the reason I'm an expert (in MY opinion, anyway) is that I'm open-minded. I have absolutely NO problem with couples that decide TOGETHER that something is bad for their relationship--or GOOD for their relationship. What I hate are blanket statements that something is good or bad or immoral or wrong or evil or whatever--when it's only bad for that particular person, or that particular couple.

So... I urge communication. I urge that people actually LISTEN to each other. And I really wish more people would talk about these things within their relationship rather than going out and asking some random people on the internet if something is wrong. If the person ASKING thinks it's wrong--well, to them, it is. To their partner, however, it may not be. If you can't reach a compromise on it as a couple, well, then you're probably doomed.

That make more sense to you on my position on things?

Thank you Synnen for taking the time to address my question. It is much appreciated. I know it took some time to type it all out. It is good to have a forum where we can ask questions, post our opinions and still give respect to one another. Thanks again so much!

I don't think porn is wrong
I don't think anything that may be considered bad in itself is wrong
It's the reason people do those things that could be wrong
My husband is into porn and even more the tv/movies.. all he wants to do is watch other peoples lives is how I see it..
The way you are treated in the marriage has nothing to do with porn.. I think
He is chosing to spend his time, life, interactions with something other than you
That is wrong
If there was no porn in the world do you think hed work less, have more dinner conversation, and instead of retreating to the porn would spend it with you in quality time?
If there were no other easily distractable things out there would he be more loving?
Maybe but I can't see how these things take the place of someone that you really love.. which makes me wonder does he really love you.. or in my case why did my husband even get married? We could have just been great friends and I could find the kindof relationship I wanted.. I'm not blaming my husband and I'm not blaming yours
Kindof got to ask ourself did we see any of this when we were dating? I kindof did but blew it off giving him the benefit of the doubt..
If you met on eharmony which I'm not knocking it at all!! It seems like a good thing to use for relationships.. this meant he was already a "computer" person and is possible he was already heavily into porn back then
If you blame porn then you get into the self esteem weight issues you mentioned you start critiquing yourself if that's how you spell it..
When I blame the media my husband always has his eyes glued to.. I wonder am I just so uninteresting that watching other peoples "fake" lives is more interesting?
It points the blame on the media and on me rather than.. why the heck is he distracting himself from me and shutting me out so much
I'm not saying to blame him either.. just don't blame
But porn isn't the issue... the way he is treating you his wife is
Probably not much help but just a perspective

It just clicked how young you are
Goood lawd.. Im NOT for divorce but I am not for marriages that will just suck the life out of you
And if you have an extremely distant husband.. that mouths he loves you but shuts you out.. AND is using other things for sexual outlets when that is a huge part of what makes a marriage fun.. keeping you from being the object of his desire or whatever.. a big reason people get married
Then you don't deserve to be dealing with this.. especially since you are getting depressed about it and feeling bad about yourself and starting to blame yourself
That is not a good way to live.. married or not.. ignored the paper signing marrige document.. you are living with someone that shuts you out.. and because you are married you are "Stuck" and alone because you do the right thing and are trying and aren't out cheating..
I'm kindof in the same boat but I'm not in a position to walk out and be free as a bird but what I am doing is starting to focus on me.. since your husband is spending all that time away from you.. you got oooodles to start getting your own life back.. NOT saying finding someone else or necessarily getting a divorce.. just start doing things behind the scenes so you are in a situation should you really not be able to take it anymore you can get a separation at least or divorce..
Like the weight thing.. that is up to you.. but sometimes losing weight and all is greatly sabatoged by living in a negative envoirnment.. if the weight is due to emotional things like your only source of comfort since you get NONE from him
But id focus on other things... like finding a job if you don't already have one that you like.. or using this time to go to school so you can get one you really like
Keeping up with your friends.. maybe when he is retreating to his secret sex life on the computer.. instead of waiting for him in bed or drowning your sorrows in front of the TV.. get in your car and meet up with friends..
Find you again.. on your own.. get yourself to a point where you know you could walk out and be OK if you had to
Being so young.. you got so many choices and paths you can take
Try try try to stop focusing on what he's doing wrong.. and spend time doing the right thing for you

The answer to being with most addicts is to cut them out of your life , and protect yourself from their actions, doesn't matter what the object of that addiction is.

If they don't want to change, your wasting your time. Having said that, addiction is only a symptom to a deeper problem that must be addressed, and until they want help to find out what it is and resolve it, sorry, your just wasting your time, and worse, you may be enabling the behavior.

Porn is cheating if it bothers you and he knows it. Porn is not cheating if you two have a healthy sex life and you are okay with him watching porn. It's a personal decision that only you can make. My husband watches porn, I don't. We have a healthy active sex life. Is he cheating? Some would say yes, some would say no. We made the decision for ourselves. If it doesn't include children or animals then it's a personal choice that only you and your husband can answer. If you ask him to stop and he WON'T he's a jerk, If he CAN'T he's addicted and needs help. From there the decision is again up to you. If he can't/won't change you then need to decide if you can accept it or not.

Porn is cheating if it bothers you and he knows it. Porn is not cheating if you two have a healthy sex life and you are okay with him watching porn. It's a personal decision that only you can make. My husband watches porn, I don't. We have a healthy active sex life. Is he cheating? Some would say yes, some would say no. We made the decision for ourselves. If it doesn't include children or animals then it's a personal choice that only you and your husband can answer. If you ask him to stop and he WON'T he's a jerk, If he CAN'T he's addicted and needs help. From there the decision is again up to you. If he can't/won't change you then need to decide if you can accept it or not.


Out of curiosity (Because in general, I agree with you)--is SHE a jerk if HE wants to have porn and she can't/won't participate? What if porn is an important aspect of his idea of a healthy sex life? I mean, some people like oral sex, some people like porn!

I guess what I'm asking is: Shouldn't there be give and take and understanding from BOTH partners, not just "he's a jerk or an addict if he won't stop because you tell him to"?

The issue to me here is not porn, he met you on a dating site and you guys are married and now he is back on dating sights. He isn't addicted to porn, he is addicted to internet dating. You have only been married for about a year right? How long has this been going on?

(Was wondering how you have been)

It is not so much that porn is wrong but the motives and desires of the heart of the person viewing it.
To me SOME signs that it is not good
1. He chooses looking at the porn over quality time with you
2. He wants to 'do things' that you do not want to do (ex: threesomes,. ) , otherwise he finds sex with you is boring.
3. Always comparing and critiquing how it is 'done better' in the porn he viewed
4. As far as the date sites...
Is he just fantasying what he could have if you weren't in the picture?
If he did run across someone he actually wanted to meet would he go through with it?
Is he just keeping you in the pic until something 'more appealing' to him comes along?

Okay, this one really got me. Dorf, you are amazing. I love what you have with your wife. It's absolutely amazing.

As for the Is Porn Wrong Question. I'm not going to say yes or no, just give some info.

I've been married 3 times.
First husband, big into porn. Almost every time we had sex a porn was on. We were married for 7 months when he tried to hit me. I left got divorced.
Second husband, big into porn. I told him I wasn't interested, he pushed. I did something to make him mad and he would use sex to punish me. I was with him for 7 years, before I realized I was in an unhealthy, abusive relationship.
Third husband, likes porn, but is more interested in it for the humor factor. He likes big busted women so he looks at pictures. I told him I didn't like porn and he said fine. He will look at me sometimes like I'm the only thing in the entire world and he's amazed that I could possibly want him. Porn isn't part of our relationship, it's his hobby (I do crossstitch so, hey why not).
I'm going to ask a different question then is porn wrong. Think about this... What happens when what shocks us is "no big deal" to our kids? What will have to be shown so our children's children are shocked. I'm old enough to remember the first bra commercial where the woman wasn't wearing a shirt and now they are on TV in lingerie.
Porn sends a message, and whether it's wrong or not the message is still there. What is porn saying to people who watch it?

Just to give you something else to think about. I'm 5' tall with shoes on. When my husband and I met my measurements were 40-24-36. I've had to deal with men leering at me since puberty. My father's friends would make passes at me. I learned quickly how to deal with the pervs and wolves. I don't cuss, I don't drink, and I've never done drugs. None of that mattered. Porn shows that sex is nothing special. If a woman has big boobs she has no brains or morals. Believe what you want when it comes to Porn but don't say that it does no harm in moderation. Some of the people here use alcohol as an example. One drink is fine, but if that one drink leads someone to alcoholism, was it really okay?
If you like porn, great. Have fun, if you want to get drunk, great have fun. Both can be dangerous. Both can cause major damage.

Dorf, you are a gem. It's wonderful that your "porn" is mental imagery of you wife. I like to think that's what my husband gets with me. His pictures of Big Busted Women is porn. He knows how I feel about it, and he knows why.

Synnen,

You have a good point. He's a jerk because he's asking her to do or accept something she doesn't like. If he needs porn to have sex with her, she should have known that from the beginning. It doesn't matter who is trying to force something on whom. If you want something and the other person is not comfortable with it and you keep pushing it, you're a jerk (it's not gender specific).