My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. He had 2 children and I had 2 children when we met and we now have one together. We try to keep everyone together as one big happy family. Lately this has been hard to do. Our oldest who is now 17 has become so mouthy and disrespectful to everyone in the house especially me. He will not listen to anything that is said to him with out mouthing back at us. He thinks he is an adult now and he is to make his own rules while we take care of his needs. He will not follow family rules under any conditions. He will tell me he doesn't need to listen to me that I am not his mom, and that he doesn't need me in his life - that his father would be better off with out me. His Dad had told him several times to shut his mouth and has grounded him for his actions, but he will not stop. He will do everything he can to push my buttons to show me he will not listen to me under any conditions. He thinks that when he wants something it is to be given to him on a silver platter with out any questions. He doesn't have a license due to I won't take him for the test because of his actions and mouth. I don't feel he is responsible enough to be behind the wheel of a car, if he can't control himself on a normal day basis. He will tell me to screw off, call me the B word , tell me to shut the F up etc.. No matter what groundment he receives he will not stop. When his father is not at home he will do what ever he wants saying he doesn't need to listen to me, but when his father returns he will try to say that I was trying to fight with him. His dad knows he will not listen to me, and has tried to help but to no success. We know when he turns 18 that this is going to get worse. He will be 18 the beginning of his senior year. He has already said about quiting school, moving away etc.. We told him well if you think you can make it on your own than when you are finished from school and graduate than you can go out on your own and not until than. He tells us once he is 18 we can't stop him. We don't want the kid to destroy his life. We only want the best for him but what do we do if he will not listen to a word said to him. I know I am not his bio-mom but I try to be a mom figure to him by supplying him with his needs, helping with homework, cooking meals etc It seems like the only time I am good enough for him is if he needs a ride somewhere or if he wants something other than that he treats me like I am nothing. So I stopped driving him places and getting him things and told him until he shows me some respect that I will not do a thing for him. Well it didn't work due to he just got mouthier with me. Even today he came into my room and asked me to drive him to his bus stop due to it was raining. I asked him what am I your mom today due to you need something. He yelled Screw You I don't need you and stormed out the room. Well needless to say he walked to the bus stop in the rain while I drove the other kids down to it. He will just walk into our bed room with out knocking on the door first like he was told to do, and when he is told to get out of our room he will yell "what ever screw you" He won't follow the house rules nothing. What are we to do? He can be a good kid when he wants to be, and he will help with things when he wants to, but always under his terms or if he wants something in return and only than. I know that this is tearing me and my husband apart. It causes so many fights in the house anymore and it is not good for the younger kids to see, or hear the things he says and does. But he will not listen. Any suggestions on what I can do?

You say you have grounded him, but it seems that he is used to that and that it is no longer working.

If you have not already, and Dad should be the one to do this, not you... strip his room of everything except for his bed and linens... No television, no phone, no cell phone (if he has one)... no video games, etc. Basically NOTHING.

He gets back one thing a week if he follows the rules of the roost, and earns back what he lost by being disrespectful. That one thing that he gets can be taken back by you or dad at any time. He cam into this world with nothing, and it is time he appreciates what he has, or he can learn to do without.

He is correct, however, that at 18 he can leave and do what he wants... But at 18, that will be his choice, and if he chooses that, you will support his decision, but you will not support him if he is living outside of the home.

There are consequences to our actions, and if his actions are going to be disrespectful to you, Dad, or other members of the family, the consequences will be harsh.

We have taken everything away from him. He says he don't care, he has been grounded to his room with nothing for 2 weeks and it still didn't stop him, he would come up to eat supper and be disrespectful right off the bat. He just thinks he is to rule us and there is no getting through to him. As of right now he has no privileges, no games, no phone, no friends, no going anywhere etc. It seems like the more he get grounded for his actions the worse he gets.

Hmm... if I did that when I was 17... my parents would have did exactly what J_9 is suggesting... and then whooped my behind until I didn't have one.

I remember when my 14 year old brother talked back to my mom... my dad quietly got up. Reached in his wallet. Gave him $200. Guided him to the front door, let him out, and then locked it.

Him being a rebel, left...

We found him in our backyard sleeping on the ground the next morning.

The kid thinks he can do whatever he wants and he thinks he's an adult... then let him live the life of an adult. Talk to your husband about the appropriate punishment... be harsh if you must. Boot camp. Kick him out for a day. Whatever it takes. Don't let that crap slide.

But you also have to ask... is he holding a grudge against you for his father re-marrying? How's his relationship with his father previous to the new marriage? How was his relationship with his biological mother?

He could just be an angry kid who doesn't understand why his father had to remarry.

His bio mother was a drug addict and left them when he was only 4-5 yrs old. He has no contact with her since. Father has full custody.

How long has he been so angry? Was he like this when he was 12 or is this new?

This started when he turned 16 or a little after and only continues to get worse

Have you had him in counseling? It is possible that, with hormones raging, along with an absent mother, he is angry about the divorce (he probably does remember some of it, even a little), angry about his birth mother being absent for most of his life, etc.

If he has not been in counseling, this may be worth exploring.

Family counseling would help a great deal if you can get him to go. He is full of rage. Did his hostility start with the new baby? He may feel like he has been pushed aside for the new family and he isn't included. You're sitting on a powderkeg and need to get it contained.

BOOT CAMP, or out of here. Sorry you only mouth off once in my house.

I have tried to get him to talk to a councilor, but he will not he tells me I am whacked in the head if I think he will go to one. He says the only thing that will make him happy is for me to leave. His dad tells him that I am not going anywhere and he better get use to it. That his Dad Loves me and that he has no say in it. I didn't do anything to the kid, except try to help raise him. We got along great until after he turned 16. Every day he tells me more and more of how much he hates me, my kids etc.. I don't know if it is because I am home all the time as a house mom and know everything that goes on and he can't get away with anything he wants to now or if it is due to hormones, or just a stage he is going through. I am just at my wits end and can't take much more than I have already taken. I don't want to walk away from my relationship with my husband, I love him with all my heart. But there are some days I actually question if it would be the thing to do, just for some sanity.

You know what I would do?
Tell him, You want to live by your own rules? Ok
Find a place for him close to your house, like a hotel or something similar.
Tell him, You are right. That is why your father and I have gotten you your own place. It's not much but it's yours. You have one month to find a job and move out. We will pay for only 1 month. After that, you are on your own.

He will not now what to do with himself.
If you do this. YOU MUST TAKES HIS HOUSE KEYS!!
Do NOT take him anywhere! Do NOT help him get a job. Let him walk.
If he REALLY knows what is best then he can PROVE IT!
My mother always said, You can move out and if you make a mistake (like ALL kids do) you can come back. When you move out the second time.. You better be SURE you know what you're doing because, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN!!
I moved back only once. My brother... I can't count.
I'm 28 and had to walk everywhere. My mother did everything for me and that Severely handicapped me and my bro. that is 5 yrs older. He is just NOW in his own apartment.

BE FIRM!
By the way, if he gets in your face or touches you or even if you are afraid... have him arrested.
Clear it with your husband first. Only use that as a LAST RESORT!

The new baby was born on his birthday, He was mad at that at first but now he claims he is glad his little brother shares his birthday with him. He will not go to counseling, claims the only thing that will help him is for me to leave. I explained to him that if I go so will the baby, that it will not be let behind. His dad even tried to explain to him of what he is asking but he doesn't care that his father and I love each other

I don't want to walk away from my relationship with my husband, I love him with all my heart. But there are some days I actually question if it would be the thing to do, just for some sanity.

DO NOT LEAVE HIM! If you love him and he loves you, then stay. He WILL get worse and start acting out with his dad if you aren't there.

The new baby was born on his birthday, He was mad at that at first but now he claims he is glad his little brother shares his birthday with him. He will not go to counseling, claims the only thing that will help him is for me to leave. I explained to him that if I go so will the baby, that it will not be let behind. His dad even tried to explain to him of what he is asking but he doesn't care that his father and I love each other

You know come to think of it I had a friend who 's mom remarried and the step dad was a drunk. I got along with him because I spoke my mind. Lynn didn't because her and him were SO unbelievable alike.
She was use to running the house. And when he came in she wasn't the boss anymore.
Her mom was a push over and I think she should have stood by her daughter in some cases but she didn't.
Anyway, Rick came in the picture when she was in elementary. So the foundation was already set.
When he tells you he hates you say, I'm sorry. TRY not to care. There is nothing you can do. He is looking for a fight. Don't give it to him.

He will not go to counseling, Who are the parents here? He goes to counseling PERIOD!! But Dad should take him. In all actuality it should be family counseling at this point.


claims the only thing that will help him is for me to leave. I explained to him that if I go so will the baby, that it will not be let behind.

Don't explain anything to him, you don't have to, you are the parent.

If he wants you to leave you tell him "I'm sorry, this is my house and I am not leaving."


His dad even tried to explain to him of what he is asking but he doesn't care that his father and I love each other

Again, you don't need to explain anything to him. This is the home that you and your husband built together in love, he doesn't need an explanation, and even when he gets one, he is not going to listen.

As one other member said, he is a powderkeg about to go off. He is very angry, he has issues apparently, but no one can get to the root of his issues better than a therapist. It is a necessity at this point if you don't want your other children to begin acting like this. Otherwise they may see that he gets away with it, so can they.


When he tells you he hates you say, I'm sorry. TRY not to care. There is nothing you can do. He is looking for a fight. Don't give it to him.

OMG, I so TOTALLY agree with this advice!!

You see, children like attention, doesn't matter what kind they get, good or bad, they are still getting attention.

You have taken everything away... you have set limits, stick to them, but don't let him pick the fights...

Neither his father or I drink, we try to give the kids as much as we can afford. Get them the things they want at Christmas time, but under guidelines. They must do their choirs, keep up good grades in school, and show respect at home and when they are out. They don't have many choirs even to do. Keep their bedrooms clean, take out garbage, and take turns doing the dishes. Yes once in a while help with watching the baby if we need to go out for something. I don't think that is too much to ask of anyone. We pay the bills, supply the meals, shelter, heat/ac, clothing and anything else they should need. To be disrespected in this manor, my god I would not be here today if I did that to my mom and dad. I try not to fight with the kid but after so much of it, there are times I can't control myself from lashing back at him. The anger has build up so much. I don't hate him but there are many times I wished he was 18 and out of here.

my god I would not be here today if I did that to my mom and dad.
You and your husband need to talk, and work together, and stick together on a strategy. Show him the door and stand firm to whatever he does. Take your home back, if you leave he wins. That is unacceptable. Geeez, who's the parents here?? Act like it.