Hello everyone...
Ive been reading the forums for awhile and they've made me feel better about my situation...

But... My girlfriend and I were going out for about 2 years, everything was great, but then she decided to go away to college, she chose the same college I was going to go to when I was done with a cheap 2 year college.

Now, we were going to be apart for a semester so I figured that everything would be fine as we really loved each other, or so I thought. She recently came back and told me that she wanted to take a break for awhile...

Now, we talked on the phone almost everyday while she was gone and yes we drifted apart some but I thought that when she came back I could show her that my feelings about her haven't changed. We hung out a few times and I respected her wishes not to talk about a relationship with her. One time we just went to dinner and talked, laughed, we had a great time. Second time we just went to the mall, walked around, talked, she held my hand and kept hugging me, we went and saw a movie, it was scary so she was cuddling with me, it made me feel like we were going to get back together. But I'm so confused. She says she wants a break, but she still wants to do couple-y things with me!

Recently I confronted her telling her that I at least deserve the truth. So she says that she met someone at school and is unsure if she ever loved me at all. So naturally I became angry and told her that basically she was just stringing me along. I told her that that was the last thing I wanted (for her to string me along). She was still telling me that she loves me and cares about me and wants me to be happy but she just wants to see if she can feel the same way with someone else. So I realize that she's breaking up with me for another guy... Im feeling betrayed and unwanted... and I think she just a selfish . So why do I still love her? Its been a little while and I've helped myself realize that I don't want to cry about her every day, and I don't want to sit around waiting for her either.

So she tells me that this break is just for the next semester, then after that in the summer, we'll talk about a relationship, for some reason I feel confident that she'll come back to me but I just would like to be sure, but that's impossible...

For some reason I still love her though, she wants to try her luck with some other guy and I still love her... is wrong with me!

Anyway... I guess my question is what should I do... I really do love her and I want to wait but at the same time I feel like I should be just be like, "screw her".

Uh oh.

Read the ISneezeFunny threads.

See you and move on... shes trying to let you down easy because she does care about you, the relationship is over though from the looks of your story... college is college, relationships before freshman year rarely last, no matter how long they lasted or how much you liked each other.

Time to cut her out of your life, bigtime. She wants a break, give it to her, but don't put your life on hold for anyone. Expecting you to wait for next summer?? That ain't love, caring, or respect. Yes cut all contact, and get a better life. That was pretty insulting in my opinion.

I would tell you not to let her go! I am this gal in my current 3-year relationship. During a holiday overseas, I met a guy and we had great fun. After returning from the trip, we still kept in touch.

Now I am confused whether I can feel the same love and care I feel for my boyfriend with another guy. I know my boyfriend will feel I'm stringing him along. But that is not my intention at all! Frankly, it is because I am considering a permanent relationship with my boyfriend, that is why I am afraid to lose out all the fun that singles have if I settle for this perfect man.

So, consider my advice. Give your girlfriend some time. If u still love her, any sort of break will make your love for her grow stronger. If your 2 years with her were spent wisely, then it is likely that she will find no match during this break.

However, do keep in touch with her. But do not be clingy. Just let her know that you still care and remind her of the good times you two had (in case she wants to compare you with any new guy). After a while, her attraction for this new guy will fade because in any relationship, the initial spark is most tempting. Soon, she will know that any sort of relationship requires work and she would rather be with the man she knew so well at the first place.

Give her the break she wants and take advantage of it for yourself as well. Give yourself the freedom to date and meet other people, just like she's doing. Above all, don't contact her at all and don't bug her about getting back together. Don't be there for her if you want to have any hope of her missing you. And don't let yourself become "Plan B" if things don't work out between her and this other guy.

Lavenderly, I so disagree, and here is why,

Quote=lavenderly, I would tell you not to let her go! I am this gal in my current 3-year relationship. During a holiday overseas, I met a guy and we had great fun. After returning from the trip, we still kept in touch.
Hey that great, you had fun and made a friend.
Now I am confused whether I can feel the same love and care I feel for my boyfriend with another guy.
Thats normal to a very young person, us older people know we can be attracted to many people other than our spouse, or g/f.
I know my boyfriend will feel I'm stringing him along.
You are.
But that is not my intention at all!
Of course not but still you are.
Frankly, it is because I am considering a permanent relationship with my boyfriend,
But you leave the door open to someone you are more attracted too, while he waits????
That is why I am afraid to lose out all the fun that singles have if I settle for this perfect man.
You mean being with other guys, Thats the only basic difference, between you and a married female.
So, consider my advice.
And the age level.
Give your girlfriend some time. If u still love her, any sort of break will make your love for her grow stronger. If your 2 years with her were spent wisely, then it is likely that she will find no match during this break.
And what do you suggest he should be doing, while she is exploring her life??????
However, do keep in touch with her. But do not be clingy. Just let her know that you still care and remind her of the good times you two had (in case she wants to compare you with any new guy).
Now your talking plain crazy, she can have someone else and he still should be competing???? Your talking about a zip darn fool, not a real man, learn the difference.
After a while, her attraction for this new guy will fade
And if it doesn't so what your happy, is he????
Because in any relationship, the initial spark is most tempting. Soon, she will know that any sort of relationship requires work and she would rather be with the man she knew so well at the first place.
What does she do when he gets tired of that crap, and decides to move on and gets a good female, who is mature enough to know what she wants, and treat him like gold???????
Ain't that much love in the world to make a mature man, wait for some confused female to get her rocks off, and maybe come back. That ain't healthy at all.:rolleyes:

I know I've been very kind and patient and understanding and everything with her. She always insists that I've done nothing wrong and she even cries so much when I tease her about it or ask her what I did wrong.

I really don't want to let her go but today I did give her a taste of some tough love, she says that she doesn't know what's going to happen and she still wants to be best friends (cus we really are) but that is just too hard for me to live with. And she told me that she was kind of leading me on, but all the things she tells me are true. (like that she loves me and really does want to get back together)

Anyway, I told her today that I've had a lot of fun and everything and that I know I've treated her right, and I told her that if she wants to be impractical she can go right ahead because as far as I'm concerned, its her loss. I wasn't too mean but I was rather blunt and kind of cold with her, we hung out a little bit before I told her all this and I acted as if nothing was wrong to try and show her that I can live without her, I would just rather not.

I made attempts for about 2 weeks to try and change her mind, but I've accepted the fact that I need to move on.

Anyway, my question to you is... Do you think by doing this I may have turned her away, I know she knows I love her, but I don't want to be strung along. This whole other guy thing really freaked me out. I really just want to make her miss me and remember that she already has a great guy. (sorry to toot my own horn, but... "toot")

I would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

Thanks again

"she still wants to be best friends (cus we really are) but that is just too hard for me to live with. and she told me that she was kind of leading me on"

As Don Meredith used to say, "turn out the lights, the party's over".

She doesn't care whether you love her or not; she has "another guy".

Disappear from her life and focus on your own, love yourself enough to move on and be happy, without her. Her feeling, wants and needs, or reactions to anything, don't matter at this point, but your do so, that's the priority. You tried, it didn't work.

I just want to know if I did the right thing by telling her basically. "If you wanna break, you got it"

I just want to know if i did the right thing by telling her basically. "If you wanna break, you got it"

Absolutely, now back up the talk.

Talaniman,

Thanks for pointing out what you disagree. U've been a great help to many out there. In most cases, I agree with u. But in this matter, if you are a female, you will understand the situation better.

I am in no way inferring that the man should waste his days away by waiting for a gal to make up her mind. In fact, he should redirect his focus on other things besides the gal.

P.S. Although age does matter when it comes to life experiences, it does not take someone who is older to make the right advice. It takes someone who has been there and done that, to realise how cliché the circumstances can be.:)

Sorry I had to use your post as an example, as your attitude and thinking was what my advice has always been based on. I understand your points because I have been there and done that, more than a few time I might add, so I know the attitude very well, that's why I used this chance to explain it as you have shown it. It's the same with young guys also, so don't try that if I were a woman stuff, that's insulting.


Frankly, it is because I am considering a permanent relationship with my boyfriend,


This is what your mind is telling you to justify stringing a fellow along (men do it also) What you fail to be honest about is your lack of commintment and sacrifice necessary for a long term relationship, and the gaul, fueled by confusion, to actually expect a partner not to be hurt, to understand your wanderlust, to accept and be friends, to be willing to be your back up plan, just in case, and be happy and satisfied with what your doing. That is exactly why, I strongly recommend NO Contact with you, and your male counterpart, so his/her hurt and bruised feeling can heal, and they can move on, and be happy. When he does then, get healthy he can see there was no love but his, and he can finally see you for what you are. A confused, immature person, not ready for his attentions. But in healing he learns something else too, not to hate you for breaking his heart.

I made attempts for about 2 weeks to try and change her mind, but ive accepted the fact that i need to move on.
Good man. It takes some people years to accept it, and some never do.

Anyway, my question to you is... Do you think by doing this i may have turned her away
No. SHE made the decision to turn away some time ago. DO NOT listen to the voices in your head saying that it's something YOU did (unless it actually WAS something you did, in which case you haven't told the whole story).

No, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong, I think the worst thing I ever did was call her drunk, like once... but this is when we were still dating. I've accepted that its her loss, because I'm a great guy, and if she can't realize that, then forget her.

Should I text her Merry Christmas tomorrow?

Should i text her Merry Christmas tomorrow?
You're kidding, I hope.

Oh man, today was so much better than the last few days... it's a nice pick-me-up when your ex's girlfriends start texting you and sending you emails wanting to see if I want to talk. I'm def. not going to pursue those two but its nice to know that you're someone wants you at least a little. My ex even called me today but I was with my friends, I don't think I would've picked up anyway... maybe next time.

There you go west.

It's been 2 weeks since me and the ex broke up, and actually, it seems like it's been... helluva lot longer. Regardless, she's with the new guy. You're a nice guy... I actually didn't even try to get her back. I saw that she was with the new guy 3 days after we broke up... so I asked her what was going on... she said NOTHING... I found out he's been hanging out more than "nothing"... so I just... left.

No shame in leaving. Just do your own thing. Don't text her jack for christmas or new year's. She prolli won't do the same for you anyway.

Once you've stopped crying, showered, shaved, and dressed a bit better... and hit the gym for a few weeks, you'll have women clinging for dear life.. . read my threads. Trust me.

@lavenderly:

You got to be kidding me. EVERY girl that breaks up with the guy "gently" wants to "talk about the relationship" in a month or two.. . not. Worth. It.

If you've been dating for 2 - 3 years... have dropped the L-word... and then after that, you're "unsure" about the relationship, when're you ever going to be sure?. you need skywriting? Women. Psh.

Well sneezy,
I do believe sometimes women can be generally confused, little do they know that they just might end up hurting themselves more than they think. I know my ex tried to keep me as a friend so I could be plan b, but I'm not going to let that happen, I'm not going to keep clinging to her and asking her to come back. If she wants to, she's going to have to send me a clear sign, and by then I figure it will all depend on how I feel, if I'm even available, and if I even want her back. Right now I think I would take her back... but I'm also thinking that I could really use a break too, so maybe not.
But yeah, now that I have a bit of a clearer head, (I know its only been 4 days, but I really think I'm thinking clearly) I honestly do think she's confused, her confusion may have been persuaded by some guy but I think she may be unclear about what she wants, after all she is young, (20) but I'm not much older, (21) yet I'm much more mature, and I know what I want.

Till then, ill let her do her own thing, and ill do my own. And hopefully by then I won't care whether she still wants me or not.

Broke no contact... meeting with her Sunday, she wants to give me my christmas present, and church. Back to day 1... wow, I felt so good... and now I'm back to square one and I want to call her and tell her that she is making a mistake! She told me that she wants so bad for it to be a mistake (going out with the other guy), and told me that she misses me a lot on the phone today... why are girls so confusing...

WANTS for it to be a mistake.

... if she were a woman, I'd slap her.

Just kidding. What a dumb thing to say. It's like me... waking up in the morning, grabbing a bowl of cereal and going... MAN, I WISH THIS TASTED BAD...

... why? Just don't eat it.

I know right? Maybe I should slap her, lol

Don't let this degrade into a tearfest. The sooner its over, the better.

Ugh, so I did something stupid again and went on my ex's Facebook. I knew it was just going to hurt me even more but, I don't know... I'm an idiot... Anyway, she broke up with me because of "long distance" but I'm thinking that that was BS because she has some other guy. I checked her inbox and she sent him these really long messages about how she's never been so in love with anyone before, and how she can't wait to be married to him. (mind you, they've been together a month) It just freakin hurts because she said those same words to me, but not a month in. And now I'm thinking, how long has she not meant it to me?

I guess there is kind of a plus side to snooping, at least ill stop kidding myself into thinking that she'll want to come back. But it just gets me thinking, She's the one that said all that stuff to me, but she broke up with me... could he really be that much better than me? I'm pretty sure she was happy for the 2 years we spent together.

On a side note... how crazy is this--> When she came back for thanksgiving break, she was all over me and telling me that she can't wait till we're married and all that fun stuff, then she goes back to school for only 10 days, and then comes back home for xmas break and breaks up with me her first day back. It only took that guy 10 days to make her completely forget about me... what a piece of work.

Anyway, is she crazy for feeling that way towards him so soon? Or is that a normal type of thing when girls break up with someone and then immediately enter another relationship?

And I just want to add, that it feels mad good to write that stuff down. I think it'll feel even better if at least one person writes back that she is indeed batsh!t crazy.

Damn. That girl's rebounding more than charles barkley.

damn. that girl's rebounding more than charles barkley.

Haha, so that's kind of typical?

A girl's in a long distance relationship... finds a new guy.. and within months she's talking about marriage + love? Yeah... that's a rebound. Although, don't get me wrong... some rebounds actually do work out. There's a forum that says "My ex is now getting married" or something like that, in which a lot of rebounders end up together in the long run. However, the whole... love... marriage talk... it's a way of replacing you with another dude.

If the person in question doesn't value themselves as a single person and thinks they need to latch onto someone else to make them happy then.. yeah it's normal. But why would you want someone like that anyway? Feel glad to know you aren't with someone so incomplete.

And as for you, lol, stop snooping! It's not healthy. Besides, a lot of times when you find something, you still end up doubting it anyway. You need to just let it all go. And then, go work on yourself, deal with any issues you might have, so whenever you meet someone wonderful, you don't wind up snooping through her stuff...

Good luck with everything.

If the person in question doesn't value themselves as a single person and thinks they need to latch onto someone else to make them happy then..yeah it's normal. But why would you want someone like that anyway? Feel glad to know you aren't with someone so incomplete.

And as for you, lol, stop snooping! It's not healthy. Besides, a lot of times when you find something, you still end up doubting it anyway. You need to just let it all go. And then, go work on yourself, deal with any issues you might have, so whenever you meet someone wonderful, you don't wind up snooping through her stuff...

Good luck with everything.

I've been doing good up until now, then you know, an idle mind... I get to wondering... then I hate myself for snooping, then I just confirm how right I was about her. Another one of her reasons was that she needs to "find herself" and I told her that she's not going to find herself with someone else... but yeah, if that's how she is... whatever... women... I'm getting more and more used to single life everyday anyway, I don't think I want another serious relationship until I'm finished, or close to finished with college.

Yea, I enjoy the single life as well, but nights get so lonely anymore, that's when I have the urge to text my ex which is a bad thing. I used to snoop just like you but then I found out an interesting thing.. Ignorance is bliss, I don't know what she is doing and who she is doing it with. I know in time I'll feel better but this how I feel right now.. And it sucks

I've been doing good up until now, then you know, an idle mind... I get to wonderin... then i hate myself for snooping, then i just confirm how right i was about her. Another one of her reasons was that she needs to "find herself" and i told her that shes not gonna find herself with someone else... but yeah, if thats how she is... whatever... women... I'm getting more and more used to single life everyday anyway, i dont think i want another serious relationship until im finished, or close to finished with college.

Don't beat yourself up for the snooping, just find other things to think about so you don't do it anymore. Now that you know she's pretty much not good for you, try to move on. The single life isn't so bad. I'm actually liking it. :) I don't have to deal with any drama. Ugh, I hate drama.

I have to be honest, as finding out things on the electronic grapevine, which may or may not be true, is hardly snoopping, but is a clear sign you have a ways to go in your healing, and maybe need to work harder. Typically LDR's only work, when both are committed for the long term, and obviously she wasn't with you, ( doubt she is now ) so be glad she isn't taking up your time anymore. You really need to see her realistically though, as we who have read your thread, see she is a needy flake, and think your stuck, and would love to apply the boot, in person to unstuck you. Good vent though. 10 points for that.

Don't feel bad about "snooping". I've been apart from my ex for almost 2 months and every now and then I still have those urges. And yea it doesn't feel great when you see stuff. But I had the exact situation you are in. The next week after we broke up my ex was back to HER ex boyfriend talking the day away in emails and stuff like that. Another girl who just needs someone to latch onto. Like everybody has been saying though, in time you'll realize that's NOT the kind of person you want, and in the long run when your years older and smarter you'll thank the day the girl left and brought her problems to somebody else.

Yea, personally I think it's better not knowing anything about them... That's just me though, anytime I feel depressed I toss on the eternal song "Every rose has it's thorn" and the last part of the song is just wow.. Everything is so blurry right now, and I am really actually lost as to what to do or think

You know lately after I'll have one of those episodes where you want to text your Ex or you want to write them a letter or some crap immediately afterwards I'll just think about how much of a waste of time it really is. I mean think about it; we're sitting there pining for somebody who could probably care less, and in a few years from now we'll look back and think holy crap why did I waste my time. Coming to this uhm realization has really helped in the whole process. I'm not saying its not normal to do any of this, I'm just saying think about what you're doing and what you could spend all that time on instead of sitting around being miserable.

Yeah, when I have trouble getting to sleep. (its been a problem before the break-up as well) Music really helps... but I find that I still have to skip some songs, like songs that me and ex listened to a lot.
But anyway, classes started up for me again today, and I actually just got back from one. I made sure I sat with cute girls, and I'm pretty sure they all love me, Im so glad I'm such a charismatic bastard

Yea I have friends that "want me to meet this girl" and "you gotta meet this one" stuff like that. Which I am open to that one ha ha... I have 3500 songs on my IPOD and somehow every time I play it, one of the first 5 songs is me and my ex's song we used to relate how we felt when she went to NC when we first got together. "Stay where I can see you" by The Starting Line... I really loved that song, even before we got together and now I can't listen to it

With me, it's more movie/tv shows. I'm a movie fanatic... and I can no longer watch a movie anymore. Is that weird? Yep.

I've switched over to music. I likey.

Currently, my situation's not too good. I got the flu... so I'm stuck in my bed for the next couple of days.

Yea I have friends that "want me to meet this girl" and "you gotta meet this one" stuff like that. Which I am open to that one ha ha...I have 3500 songs on my IPOD and somehow everytime I play it, one of the first 5 songs is me and my ex's song we used to relate how we felt when she went to NC when we first got together. "Stay where I can see you" by The Starting Line...I really loved that song, even before we got together and now I can't listen to it

Yeah, our song was like "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. And the day after we broke up, I woke up to it, then when I got in the car to go to work it was playing, and then when I got to work it was playing... I hated that day so much... but I guess it was kind of funny thinking back to it.

with me, it's more movie/tv shows. i'm a movie fanatic...and i can no longer watch a movie anymore. is that weird? yep.

i've switched over to music. i likey.

currently, my situation's not too good. i got the flu...so i'm stuck in my bed for the next couple of days.

Yeah, I can't watch "The Break Up" or "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" anymore... not really my favorite movies... but they were decent.

P.S. isn't it funny how this site consumes your life.

Hey, I have an excuse. I have the flu. I have a life!. or so I think...

Hey Seneca,

Facebook and social networking sites are the devil when it comes to break-ups. The SNOOPING has to stop my man. I wrote ALLLLLLLLLL about snooping my ex's wall on this site and it turned me into an obsessive freak (I'm sure those that know my story are agreeing:). I spent hours and hours a day looking for hints and checking all the people she spoke to and her ex-boyfriends profile, honestly I was out of control. I had Facebook blocked from my computer and Myspace. I can no longer use them because of the insanity of it all.

DON'T repeat my mistake, delete the thing or get rid of her profile cause it will make what you have to do an infinite amount of times harder.

As for the actual situation, I don't like what she is doing and I feel for you, I really do. HOWEVER, it seems like you have convinced yourself that she is sooooo happy with him and that he made her forget you in 10 days, Nonsense to that say I.

It is always the perspective of us guys to think that our ex's are happy and free and thatthey are doing all kinds of things with all kinds of guys. I thought her writing hello to an ex was basically because they were sleeping together, our minds jump to the worst case scenario. She is happy, she does not miss me, etc. In reality, no girl/guy is exempt from loneliness or heart ache, if you miss her chances are in many ways she misses you. Her seeing another guy so soon after is an indication of how emotionally stunted she is, she is with him to help get over you, so be a little proud of that (although it sounds weird... lol).

Just because it does not seem like she cares about you based on her actions, I'll wager she does, she's human. Show me a guy/girl who cared about someone andspent years with them that can honestly say after a month they feel nothing for the other person, if you can find one I'd love to sit and chat with them.

Finally, I really like 2 of my ex girls, A lot. If they wanted to try again I would not hesitate, but I gave up on it. What I'm trying to say is that even though I have feelings for them I won't make that known from now until... well... ever. Just because one does not act a certain way does not mean that's how they feel.

Hope this all makes sense.

Id have to say that snoopying is not the best thing. Because we normaly find stuff we don't want to find :( and it does hurt!

that's why I never stay friends with my Xs. Because I couldn't even dear to dream that there with anyone else! :)


I agree. I hate FACEBOOK! Its awful you can find out everything :( how can anyone stand to see there Xs happy! :)
all the people that have sent me all this stuff ohh I love you and yeah were ideal together blah blah bling bling blah!
Words are cheap now a days..

in my strange mind my X went out with a crazy looking dude. So that made me feel a lot better. Hehe


its good you got it off you chest though :)

Regards

Wait a minute... How did you get into your girlfriends inbox on Facebook? You must know her password... yes? I think there is a big difference between visiting a myspace/facebook page and accessing their personal profiles...

I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have done that. Its not "snooping" if you visit a facebook/myspace page. That, sadly, happens a lot in break-up situations, I've done it myself now and again. But, to actually access someone's personal page by inputting their password... that's snooping.

Anyway... this is beside the point.

She is needy and in a rebound relationship. You shouldn't compare yourself to him. I'm so sorry that you had to see that same email to another guy. I know that had to seriously hurt. But really darlin, you're going to be fine. You got the better end of the deal on this one. Don't hurt yourself more by looking at her page. As hard as it is, you'll feel much better when you don't.

Keep your chin up - and don't log into her Facebook anymore! ;)

Or, wait a minute, did she actually have that email/comment ON her Wall? Wow... that's a definite low blow if that's the case...

I'm sorry, hon. You shouldn't have to deal with this... save yourself. Don't look.

Yeah, we set it up together so I do know it... I felt awful, because I know that that's a total invasion of privacy and stuff. I've only looked like twice, and I don't think ill do it again, ill just start ranting or something on this site next time I have nothing better to do. I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway... what can I say...

Anyway, I have deleted her as a friend, and I hardly ever use Facebook anyway just because I think its dumb. Its just when I have nothing to do I start to wonder... and I know I should just get busy when that happens, but I doubt it will anymore because classes have just started back up for me and with school, work, friends, and hoes, I think her Facebook will be the last thing on my mind.

hey, i have an excuse. i have the flu. i have a life!...or so I think...

652 posts in 2 months... I would say you lead a very fulfilling life, haha. I kid.

652 posts in 2 months... i would say you lead a very fulfilling life, haha. i kid.

Damn. I've been caught.

Believe it or not, this site is very therapeutic. I saved thousands here by not going to therapy... I never believed in therapy... but I also come from a family that doesn't believe in hospitals unless something's broken... and even then, it has to be bad enough that the bone sticks through the skin. Anyway, yeah.

Still sick. Still in bed. Just found out today that TV these days has gone straight to hell. I have 120 something channels... and NOTHING to watch between 10am - 6pm. Goodness.

damn. i've been caught.

believe it or not, this site is very therapeutic. I saved thousands here by not going to therapy...

LOL, same here!! I would hate to think how much I would have spent over the last nine months if I had gone to see a therapist!

But anyway, Yeah Ihatewestseneca, try to keep busy so that you don't feel tempted to try to find out things about your ex. When mine first broke up with me, I tried to find out all I could about what was going on with him. Big mistake! He started seeing his best friend a month after he left me, and in trying to find out about their life together, All I did was torture myself and cause more pain on top of what I was already feeling... I definitely agree with a post comment that Maffiaangel180 made... Ignorance truly is bliss. I would much rather be ignorant than constantly hurting. Luckily I've finally reached the point in regards to him that I really don't give a *bleep* :p

Never look back always look forward :)

Being stuck in the pass is just painful.

I agree Ignorant is BLISS :) when it comes to Xs chicadees

Whether you realise it or not, what you discovered is actually a good thing. Even though it hurt like hell, the reality is, it showed her true colours - she is a player. The adage goes - the truth shall set you free.

Even if everything you read was true, bear in mind that whirlwind romances often finish just as abruptly as they start. And she probably started the relationship so she could get a 'quick fix' from feeling the effects of the break-up (otherwise known as a rebound relationship).

Rise above this, and realise you are the better person. I too had the compulsion to keep checking my ex's Facebook, and it hurt me as well. If you can't stop yourself from checking her Facebook, remove the temptation altogether and delete your profile, at least temporarily until you can get past this point. I deleted mine and won't put it back up again until I don't care anymore.

Facebook and Myspace were the WORST after my boyfriend broke up with me. He immediately got in a new relationship too. Do yourself a favor and don't look. If you're feeling tempted just come here and vent! Read through the posts here and look at all the people who support you. It will lift your spirits and you'll realize you don't really care what's on her Facebook anymore. Hang in there!

So I was thinking about the break-up... naturally, haha. I never really got a straight answer from her, because she just wanted to take a break, but she would call me and stuff. So then I told her that I can't be her friend during this break, and she was upset, then NC started.

I'm not trying to justify any reason to call her and ask if we are absolutely done or not. After seeing what she's wrote to that other guy, I don't really want her anymore. I just can't help wondering if moving on would be easier if she had told me straight up if she wasn't interested anymore. Cus when she came over before she went back to school she told me that she was still interested in me, but she was just confused. That's the only answer I got, that she was confused. Judging by her messages to that other guy, its hard to tell if she is interested in me anymore or not. So yeah, I think it would be easier if she would just say "No, i dont want to be with you anymore". Guess, ill just have to wait till she tries to contact me, if she does... haha, bad day...

*sigh* its funny how a simple email will send me running to this site. Haha. Today is exactly a month of NC, and yeah, my ex sent me an email... it reads...

"hey, i dont really know how to do this... i know you need to be able to heal and that its hard when i contact you. right? i guess i just want you to know that i dont expect anything from you and i understand everything you must be feeling. i dont know, i want you to know that i still care and that i havent forgotten about you. so you dont have to write anything back, obviously, i just dont know what the right thing to do is.. i mean in terms of showing you that i hope youre doing well."

What the crap... I love how she thinks I'm still that depressed loser she saw when she left... and I don't think there's any way for her to understand, after all I was her first boyfriend... unless her new guy dumped her already.

Anyway, is this her "coming around" thing, or is she just curious? I was seriously shocked when I checked my mail today, I didn't expect to hear anything until she came home for the summer, because I figured she'd be bored this summer away from her "amazing" school and her new guy.

But yeah, do I write back just saying I'm doing good? That I'm actually starting to get over her? Or should I just ignore this?

Thanks in advance for the wonderful advice I'm about to receive!

It really all depends on how you feel. If you think you're completely over the situation, and you feel that you care for her enough to let her know how you're doing and such, then go for it.

But when you say how she has a new guy and everything and you're not sure if she's bored now or something like that, by all means trust your heart and don't say anything in return to her.

It depends also who broke up with who? If she dumped you for another guy, by all means don't even give her a thought in your head. But if it's the other way around then as long as you're OK with it and you do care about her give it a shot.

She broke up with me over "long distance" but days later (maybe the same day or maybe before she broke up with me) started dating this other guy she met at school. We went out for 2 years, and I'm not over her, I'm starting to get over her, because she's not on my mind 24/7, more like 15/7. I still love her because our relationship was just so great, and she really did make me a better person.

I want to tell her that she can't possibly understand how it feels to hear someone you love tell you that you're not worth waiting for... basically what she did to me. But I know that won't solve anything... I just don't know what to do... the balls' in my court I guess, because she thinks I'm still way down about this.

In all honesty I still want her back... but my brain is telling me that she needs to be alone for awhile and work on herself, and she is failing to do that while she is with this new guy... I really think that would be best for her because I really do care about her a lot and I want what's best for her... but me telling her isn't going to solve anything, and I know she's got to figure it out, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about what she's thinking but I'm lost here...

ihatewestseneca... it's absolutely ridiculous how our stories are the same. By any chance... are you 5'8"? Possibly my doppleganger?

Anyway, my ex wrote me an e-mail... explaining our breakup. Then it went onto read just like your e-mail... she cares... she misses me... she understands if I don't talk to her... blah blah.

Don't write back. Seriously... what'll it do? You write back, say you're doing fine... then what? She'll either write back or NOT write back. Not worth it.

Just keep going... you know how well nc works. Good luck, keep me posted.

Judging by her messages to that other guy, its hard to tell if she is interested in me anymore or not. So yeah, I think it would be easier if she would just say "No, i dont want to be with you anymore". Guess, ill just have to wait till she tries to contact me, if she does... haha, bad day...

This is what you wrote on Jan. 25th, and now we have a decision to make. Examine your own feelings, and motivations, and decide what you want to happen. A very good time to gauge where your at, in the healing process.

ihatewestseneca...it's absolutely ridiculous how our stories are the same. by any chance...are you 5'8"? quite possibly my doppleganger?

Actually, I am 5'8''... creepy...

This is what you wrote on Jan. 25th, and now we have a decision to make. Examine your own feelings, and motivations, and decide what you want to happen. A very good time to guage where your at, in the healing process.

True, but does it even seem like she's interested in the email... I can't be friends... not yet... I don't think I could listen to her tell me about her new guy... right now I'm still feeling like it should be all or none... so I think maybe I won't do anything until later on, when I'm better, or when I can be comfortable with her telling me she just wants to be friends.

True, but does it even seem like shes interested in the email... i can't be friends... not yet... i dont think i could listen to her tell me about her new guy... right now im still feeling like it should be all or none... so i think maybe i wont do anything until later on, when im better, or when i can be comfortable with her telling me she just wants to be friends.


Good course of action..

That seems like the only logical course of action.

She didn't really make an advance... a simple e-mail to see how you are... what you're up to.

You can do one of two things:

1. you can write her back a simple innocuous e-mail... but this may just turn into the "friends" category.

2. you can NOT write her back...

2a. With NOT writing her back, you run the risk of her not contacting you ever again.
2b. She could also respond by trying to contact you more and more.

My ex took the 2a route. Am I happy about it.. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing... it's just what happened. I guess time will tell.

Well...

Truth is much of what she wrote is true.

But you don't want her to hold that over you.

So...

What to do?

Well... I'm guessing this had NOTHING to do with wanting you back.

She's maybe feeling guilty... and some of it is probably true... she might actually give a damn about how you are doing, even if she doesn't want to date you again. Its really possible.

So...

You can do complete no contact... I mean she SAID she didn't expect anything... so why respond? Ill tell you why. You respond because you care about her and you want to keep the lines open. Period.

Which, really, is where you kind of are, right? I mean... if she shows up on your doorstep in the rain and begs you back, she's in your place in a heartbeat, right??

So... you can completely cut her out, which will speed up your getting over her (this is my suggestion) or you can reply with a brief message.

Something like "got your email. i am really fine. dont really need to be your buddy at this point. moving on. later"

This tells her you are not waiting for her and aren't begging for her to come back.

I know. I know. Its probably better for you to do no contact, as I mentioned.

Up to you.

The most important thing is to understand that her email has more to do with her, and less to do with you...

Either she's an evil witch who is just toying with you (dont think so) or she is over you but feels some regret over hurting you (which does NOT mean she wants back with you)...

So... do what you want.

Until she is pounding at your door telling you she needs to talk to you, well, she doesn't. Its over until then.

until she is pounding at your door telling you she needs to talk to you,

I'd be wary when she does this. My ex freshmen year in college did this... then it was simply to tell me she's officially with a new guy and she thinks she'll marry him.. . yep. Just don't open the door with both arms wide open and say YES I FORGIVE YOU!. until you've heard the whole thing.

... *shakes head* bad memories. Oof.

I agree...

I'm not saying take her back...

I am saying if she's coming back she has a lot of work to do.

And I agree... in this case, she isn't doing that anytime soon.

Thanks guys... Its not like some hope was building up, but if I was left to think and think and think, I can bet some would... NC for me!

Ugh, why did she do that? I'm trying to get some homework done, and I can't stop thinking about her... This sucks...

Do you do/have anything that clears your mind?

I started running and it's a big help. I'm sure you have something that you like doing that you can focus on instead until you are right to come back and concentrate on your homework :)

I agree with Isneeze
If you write back she'll think yeah he still is missing me and it won't get you anywhere
Just lingering on to letting go longer.
If she is interested in getting back with you she will come out and ask if you want to get together.
She may have just thought of a special moment with you and had a sentimental moment that gave her the urge to write you.

This is what you wrote on Jan. 25th, and now we have a decision to make. Examine your own feelings, and motivations, and decide what you want to happen. A very good time to guage where your at, in the healing process.

Care to elaborate tal?

Reply after a few days:
Hey. Nice to here from you. No need to be concerned. Moved on fine.
Keeping busy. New interests. Thanks anyway.

care to elaborate tal?

I held off my response, to give you a chance to run the events through your mind, and see what you come up with. Not to put you off, but gauge where your at in the healing process. If you haven't gained the clarity of mind to deal with this female's confusion, then absolutely do Not contact her. That I think is your biggest question, and challenge. Can you cope with the emotions this has stirred up, the uncertainty, the confusion? Are you aware of any HIDDEN agenda, on your part?? Are you making a decision on facts? False hope?? Or curiosity?? Can you handle more rejection?? These are the questions you need to answer for yourself, honestly, before any decision, on a course of action, can be made. NC, should have led you to the point of making this decision. If not, then you have more work to do on you.

This is what I'd like to send her... but I doubt it would do any good... I just wanted to write it I guess.

"Why...? Why would you send me an email knowing it would make things more difficult for me? I've been doing good. Been pretty busy. Lost almost 10 lbs.

Never mind, i think i know why you sent me an email... you still feel guilty, and you want me to tell you that im just fine so you can stop feeling guilty. A month may have been long enough for you to get over me and "fall in love" with someone else. But i actually loved you... and i can see now that the only love in our relationship was my own. You may have thought you "loved" me, but i think you were just in love with my company.

Its just a shame... 5 months of courting you around to make sure i was going to do the right thing, 6 months after telling you that i've fallen for you and that i honestly loved you, and 2 years of my complete commitment, trust, and anything else. its a shame you're too dependent, too needy, so incomplete... "Charlie, I need someone there" i didnt think much of that at first, but if you couldn't even give me 4 more months of waiting till we could be together again... The new guy must be Jesus, i mean, after a month you're "in love" with him, and that was a month over the phone... so don't give me that long distance crap... I really wish me telling you all this would make you think, but it won't... I mean, basically you cheated on me, you dated him while we were still together, who knows what else you did... I don't know... its just a shame that you can't be happy alone.

And please don't think you can understand what i feel/felt/going to feel... Has anyone every told you "Hey, thanks for the amazing 2 years, but I met this other person, and right now you're just not quite worth waiting for... "

...Look at the bright side though, I can walk away from this relationship a stronger person cus i know i did everything right, i did a great job, and that i gave it everything i had and more... what can you walk away knowing? that you're a player, that you can't commit, that you're a liar, that you're needy, that you're a quitter? the list goes on and on...

And heres the part that really gets me... I still want you... I still love you... and I don't know why..."

While that E-mail has made you feel better, I STRONGLY advise you against sending it. Why? Because you will look like a needy, depressed little b!tch to be blunt. Don't even respond, she isn't worth your time anymore. You said it perfectly about being able to walk away. If you need to find comfort in anything, just remember fate works both ways and she will one day feel the way you do now. Just let it roll man, let it roll

Post it in "letters to your exes" on this forum, and leave it at that.

I'm not going to send it... I just wanted to write it, but thanks for your concern. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't care anymore and I could be friends with her... but other times, I still can't believe she broke up with me... guess that means I have more work to do, haha.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice on this thread. I haven't checked her Facebook since this thread, but the temptations are there. However, whenever I'm tempted, I just re-read this thread.

Thanks again everybody!

Way to go west.

Hope things are going well for you.

Things are going very well... today is a great day, I may have a project due in an hour that I have no hope of finishing on time, I couldn't care less. I feel good today, and my hair looks amazing. You know those days where you wake up and shower and whatnot and you look in the mirror and you're like "Damn! i look good". This may be a bit feminine, but I don't care.

Hahahaha the good hair days.

Sadly, I really don't care about the way I look... and it shows. Currently, I'm wearing a gray shirt with brown lounge pants and some pumas. I'm at work like this. I'm going to class like this. If all goes well, I might go out tonight like this. My hair?. not styled in any way shape or form.

But I know what you mean.

I received an email from one of my ex's friends at her college... she wrote that she think my ex and her new boyfriend don't "mesh" well, and wants me to make more of an effort to try and win my ex back. She admits that she doesn't know the whole story, just what my ex told her, but she said she doesn't believe that I ever treated her badly, and she thinks that ex just left me for someone else.

Lauren (my ex's friend) is a smart girl, though very nosey. She continues to say that my ex's new boyfriend is transferring out of that school, and that my ex is thinking about following him. Lauren also thinks that I should talk to my ex and convince her that it's a bad idea... how precious...


I haven't written back, and I probably won't, if I did though it would probably be something like, "i dont care, if she wants to make bad choices, let her"
So what gives? Is this just a concerned friend? Or my ex trying to mask her identity? Either way, I don't really care, but I guess that fact that I'm writing this here means that I do, at least a little. I know I should just ignore this, but I do want what's best for my ex and it would be a shame if she were to just follow some guy around and never learn to stand on her own two feet... but its really not up to me I guess.

I understand where your coming from. You still care about your ex and as a result you don't want her to screw up her life. You want to try to help her out, and heck maybe if you do that she'll realize what a great person you are. Problem is that it's not your place to do so anymore. In fact, if you try to help it might just make her angry.

It was about a week ago that I saw my ex and she looked very sad and depressed. She was eating all by herself and I wanted so badly to go and talk to her and see what was wrong. But I knew that would have probably made things worse, especially because we haven't talked in close to 3 months. She always told me she wasn't some child who needed to be taken care of, so if I tried to do something she might have just thrown it back in my face.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that your ex needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them. On top of that, you have no real idea if there is something wrong and your friend is just jumping to conclusions (heck maybe my ex just had a really bad cold and that's why she looked sad). As much as it hurts she is no longer a part of your life. It was her choice and she needs to deal with the consequences.

If I were you I would e-mail your friend back. I would tell her that you really care about your ex and that you miss her. However, your ex is a grown woman and has to make the decisions she feels are best for her life, as a result you will not get involved. Let her know that you have already tried to win her back once and that failed. If she wants a second shot at the relationship than she will make the effort to contact you. Thank her for the concern and say goodbye.

I think if you do this it shows that you are not a cold person and that you care. However, your mature enough to not get involved. This is just my opinion. Wait to see what other people think.

When I am hurting because of someone else and I really want to tell that other person why, I find it very useful to write my feelings in a journal. Instead of writing to her, write everything down in a letter that you will never send. Pour your heart out, anything goes because you are the only one who will ever read it. You'll be surprised how much it helps to let it all out.

I wouldn't respond to her email, it sounds like she is just fishing for info, you're her backup in case things don't work out with the other guy. Deep down she knows you still care about her and she wants you to know that she's still out there. Don't do it, the only one you'll be helping is her and you'll start right back at the bottom.

There is a wonderful girl out there waiting for you, one day you'll be ready to meet her and then you'll never look back. Your ex will be just a memory and your future will be wonderful. Good luck.

Well, I barley know her friend that emailed me, we met once when I visited my ex at school one time, before we broke up. So I don't know this girl at all, just what I know from what my ex told me about her, and that she is nosey and should mind her own business sometimes... although I think I will email her and tell her that my ex has the right to make her own choices and that I can't influence her decisions in any way.

Well.. unless this friend of hers has some unforeseen desire for you to be happy (which is NOT the same as her wanting her friend to be happy), I think this email might be well intentioned, but not necessarily a boom to you.

I mean... if things were going well, she wouldn't write you, right? I mean, this friend wouldn't have said... "look, you are right for her and he isnt, even though its smooth sailing, just dont give up"... right?

So now that things aren't perfectly in line (and you Don't know that that is true) she's probably just looking out for her friend... making sure that she has a cushion to land on if she falls on her arse. Fun being treated like a cushion? Nope.

The other angle I can think of is that she is feeling you out for the ex. I mean, we ALL want our ex's to pine for us... we all want them to miss all the great things and think "i blew it" to some degree. Everybody does the "does she think about be" thing. So... is the friend of the ex just trying to see if you are moving on, or if you are hanging on? Could be.

Not to say she couldn't just be telling the truth. I dated a wild girl once, and after shed dated me, and essentially was my girlfriend, she took me back home to meet her friends. Now... I knew this girl loved me as much as she could, but I knew this wasn't going to be a long term relationship without a break somewhere... she was career driven and no guy was going to keep her from doing her dream job... (undercover DEA)... so she figured shed get married maybe a dozen or years down the line, when she was tired of getting shot at and wanted to be tied down. But the friend came right up to me, at a bar, and said "shes never getting married, you know"... not "hey, nice to meet you"... not "howd you keep her tied down this long"...

Now, different situation... but it startled me, perhaps as this email hit you. Out of the blue. Unexpected. Now what the hell do I do stuff... and I honestly don't think the friend was asked to say this... I think she saw her friend in a serious relationship, and she knew her nature enough to know it wouldn't last, at least at that time.

But my situation was easier than yours... I knew this from the start. Yes, I loved her. Yeah, I might have married her sometime down the line... we had enough in common... but she was clear on her priorities, and I knew where they were.

Your situation is different. Suddenly if you do nothing you might kick yourself about "what if"...

Don't.

If your ex isn't willing to chase you down some... she doesn't want it bad enough. You might miss her... but I would hope that if she called you up today and said I need you back, you'd hesitate some.

She shouldn't just want you, or the comfort of the familiar... she should want you and be willing to work for it. She has something to prove, if she means it.

And a friend saying "try harder in case it falls apart" just doesn't cut it buddy. You don't need to be mean, but you WANT her arse to hit the turf hard if it doesn't work out.

I think you know this. Your last post showed you have your head in the right place, even if it's a pain in the arse to fight all the stupid noise.

I agree entirely kp... if she did call me up I would hesitate a lot, probably tell her no deal. But I do still care and I don't want her to make poor choices and whatnot, but I've accepted that its her party and I can't tell her who's invited.

I haven't responded quite yet, and I'm thinking about just letting it go and let her keep guessing in case my ex did ask her to send it.

You're also right about her having to work if she wants me back, she chased me hard before we became "official" so she can do it again if she really wants to. Do I expect it? Not at all. That I am moving on, and single life is going quite swimmingly.

Thanks for everybody's advice!

Glad to hear things are going well.

West, would you even consider taking your ex back? Because currently, in my situation, I def wouldn't.

Spring break started this past weekend... the ex and the new guy are on their trip. I... am stuck working all week. Boo.

glad to hear things are going well.

west, would you even consider taking your ex back? because currently, in my situation, I def wouldn't.

spring break started this past weekend...the ex and the new guy are on their trip. I...am stuck working all week. boo.


I don't know... depends, if she just showed up and was like, "hey, sorry, lets try again" I would say no, but maybe if she had a really good excuse (the best excuse in the world). From what I remember she is generally a great girl, she had her faults, and she ultimately wronged me by leaving me for someone else even though she wouldn't admit it.

I don't know Sneeze, that's kind of a loaded question... but right now, I'm all good alone and I don't really want that to change right now.

Emotion is not easy to arise or end when words comes in a letter. Writing to you and your writing back will not lead you guys anywhere in your future. It is what people do that makes or ends a destiny.
I still hope you would write her back out of politeness. And when you guys are more mature than before, you would talk as friends. After all, you loved each other.

So I wasn't sure if I should even start a new thread because this event didn't cause too much drama for myself, but a little bit of confusion... I was going to try and piece it together myself, but outside opinions are very welcome.

I met the ex tonight after 3 months of NC... we just met at a little restaurant, and ordered some pie... we ended up talking and catching up for 3 hours. I was honestly just being myself, and I always found it very easy to talk to her. I was a little nervous at first, but when she pulled up next to me in the parking lot, I was happy to see her. She gave me a big, tight hug (I wasn't even sure if we were going to hug). And then we sat down and I told what I've been up too and what I've done and blah blah blah I'm so charismatic and I can always make her laugh.

Then she told me about her brothers and how both of their girlfriends had broken up with them... I cracked a few jokes about how I can relate and everything. And I asked what they're reasons were for breaking up, the first one said that she was leaving for college and didn't want to string him along. I said good, better she did it now, as I winked at my ex. And the second one said that she had a lot going on and was confused about stuff and that she thinks for now she'd be better off without a boyfriend as she is finding herself too attached to him. And I said, "well... thats actually not a bad reason, i can't say that i havent benefited from being single" which I really have I think, I'm able to stand on my own two feet and I feel pretty good about not needing anyone, I have more cash, I do a lot of things/planning for myself, and I like my freedom. After I said this my ex started crying, I was shocked... I said "whats wrong?" and she said nothing and that she's glad I'm happy and everything. Then I said "well, its not like i was unhappy with the way things were before" (when we were together) and then I said "did you want me sitting around here pinning for you?" and she said no and it was good that I'm doing good. After this she didn't talk much, she asked me if I had been dating anyone, I told her about this crazy girl who told me she loved after 4 dates...

At this point I was totally comfortable, and I asked her what she had been up to, she told me some stuff about school and everything. Then I asked her about the new guy, because I was feeling pretty confident that I wasn't going to be affected by whatever she had to say, and she said that she didn't want to talk about him, and I said "no really, you can if you want to" and she refused, so I dropped it. Talked more about work and how much money I was saving, how I volunteered at a day care, how I was tutoring kids at school... I basically made myself seem amazing (which I wasn't intending, but who am I kidding right? Lol).

Then it was getting late and she was going back to school tomorrow, so we left, in the parking lot she gave me another big hug that lasted awhile, and she started crying again, she told me that she really missed me, and I told her "you have no idea how confusing you are making this for me" and she was like "i know i know, im sorry" and then she started walking away and she said that she loves me and then immediately after she said "no no, dont think about that" and hugged me again while crying. I remained calm and cool during all of this and then she asked me to call her sometime and I said we'll see... and then I left.

I don't know what to think of this... right now, I feel like she misses me as a friend, I think I could be her friend, but I still kind of want her. Yet while we were talking she was hinting at the fact that she was afraid to be alone because I mentioned my brother and his situation (poor guy is 26 and following his girl all over the country... so unhealthy). And that she was young and needed someone... I said that I was young to, and I'm fine alone. So this leads me to believe that she still has those feelings for me, but is afraid because of the distance.

Well, lay it on me people... please don't think I'm trying to get an answer like "she wants you" or whatever because I really am perfectly okay alone, and am pretty much over her. So regardless, I don't care what happens with me and this girl. If we end up together again, cool, if not, that's cool too.

Sorry this is so long! I tried to make it interesting... I think...

I can't speak to her motives or actions, but its evident things are not that great with the new guy, and she may welcome your friendship. You handled yourself well though, but I caution any more contact at this point.


"no no, dont think about that"

You have come to far to go back, no matter the feelings that have been stirred up again. You have had a chance for the closure we never get, and now you can plunge ahead. What brought this on, is my question?

Of course your thinking about having her back man and yeah you probable would love it if she said come back to me I made a huge mistake. You even saying this makes it even more evedent :) we all would love our xs to come crawling back ego booster or what.

If you was so in different you would not have had lunch with her


I think it was a nice meeting. You should have told her that until you sort yourself out. Please don't meet up with me again.

I think its damaging man I mean your just as in the dark as you guys broke up. So in the end all this lunch thing did was make you feel even more in the dark.

The term I love you. Is used way too much and way to easy.. don't read too much into this man.

And as for her having a new guy and meeting up with you I mean that doesn't really speak much about her man. I don't think she know what she wants and I think its unhealthy for you to be around a person like that

I think you should drop her out of your life and move on

I hope it works out

We ran into each other at a starbucks, and she said it was really great to see me and asked if I would like to get together later... I agreed as seeing her didn't cause my stomach to punch itself.

I don't think I am going to contact her any further...

However she sent me and email just now apologizing for any confusion she had caused me tonight, and that some of the things I said had hurt her a lot (like that I'm happy alone), she said that she thought we could act like normal friends, but she guesses that that's impossible...

I just sent an email back apologizing for anything I said to hurt her, as I did not mean to and that I was just being honest... and I said that we both just want different things from each other right now.

Aaaand back to NC, as there is nothing more to say.

i think it was a nice meeting. you should have told her that untill you sort your self out. please dont meet up with me again.

i think its damaging man i mean your just as in the dark as you guys broke up. so in the end all this lunch thing did was make you feel even more in the dark.

the term i love you. is used way to much and way to easy.. dont read to much into this man.

and as for her having a new guy and meeting up with you i mean that dosnt really speak much about her man. i dont think she know what she wants and i think its unhealthy for you to be around a person like that

I think you should drop her out of your life and move on

i hope it works out


The thing is, I have dropped her... I'm fine alone, and this meeting hasn't caused a lot of confusion for me... I'm just not sure what she is up to. And I wanted to update my situation

Then nothing more needs to be said if you are fine :)

Be strong and stay at it then

And who cares what she is up to. Probable try to have her cake and eat it

She just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kind of sucks to hear that, but deep down, I'm glad she did.

*sigh* I don't think I'm sleeping tonight... I guess deeper down I still had some false hope... weird...

she just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kinda sucks to hear that, but deep down, im glad she did.


That sucks! Why did she boher e-mailing you and said that,
Conf-u-s-i-on! Stay away

Ah dude its normal the whole its cool I'm cool part we play ;) its just make us feel better. But yeah deep down there is always hope.

Yeah man put the lunch thing down to... OK that was my good bye and that's it officially over and move on with your head held high

Good luck

she just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kinda sucks to hear that, but deep down, im glad she did.

What the heck. That's just some confusing stuff. Wow, the stupid games people play. Whatever, just take it at face value and don't respond. Also, don't worry about the way you feel. Deep down, when love is involved, we all have that bit of hope that everything will go back to the way it was. Its human nature so don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep your head held high and keep moving forward.

You are way ahead of her in the healing my friend, as she still has a way to go. She should have come here first, as you did, as you handled yourself in a very manly way, and it seems to have pissed her off some what. Oh well, we live and learn, and you have learned very well.

Oh Westy, you did amazingly well! I'm duly impressed by your ability to really be yourself. That is wonderful.

I agree with Tal, you're so far ahead of her in the healing process that you're leaving her in the dust. You've figured out who YOU are, your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, your character, without her - not despite her, but truly separate from her.

I think you're right. I think she does miss you as a friend. At this point, maybe you could just "be her friend", but I don't think it would be a good choice. You've been honest with her and said that you weren't pining, but rather that you were enjoying life - let her get to that point. She needs the healing just as much as you did. She needs what you have found.. . contentment.

Again, you're doing so well. I'm proud of you! :)

I can't help but think that she is being manipulative. My question is, who was the one who originated this meeting? When you said that she told you that she is afraid of being alone, I think that is the reason that she is doing and saying the things that she is saying. Apparently, things are not going well with the new guy and she was probably hoping that you and her could pick up where you left off.

Always remember, there is a reason that she is an ex and is not currently in your life. Yeah, remember the good times, but also remember the reasons for the breakup. It sounds like there is a lot of drama in her life. Life is stressful as it is without drama. For instance, you asked her what was wrong when she started crying and she said "nothing". I hate that!! I have a lot of girlfriends who do a lot of this and it irritates me to death. If there is nothing wrong, then why would a person cry? I truly believe that she wanted you to say that you needed her, that you couldn't live without her, that you made a big mistake and that you both need to be together. She apparently had different expectations for the meeting between you two and it did not go as she had originally planned. Most likely, she had the scenario played out in her mind prior to the meeting, with the result that you would both be together again.

My advice? Continue to move on with your life as you have been. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and are making great choices in your life. If you get together with her, you may find yourself taking a step (or a few steps) backwards. Don't do that to yourself. There are a lot of good people out there in this world, you just have not found "the one" yet. It is better not to have someone than to be miserable with someone.

If there is nothing wrong, then why would a person cry? I truely believe that she wanted you to say that you needed her, that you couldn't live without her, that you made a big mistake and that you both need to be together. She apparently had different expectations for the meeting between you two and it did not go as she had originally planned. Most likely, she had the scenario played out in her mind prior to the meeting, with the end result that you would both be together again.

I think she definitely had an outcome in mind, but it just didn't go the way she planned.

Thanks for the great advice and kind words everyone...

After sleeping on this, I can say that I feel so much better... like I never even took a step back. As for her saying everything that she said, I'm not going to take it to heart as she is still very immature and is unsure of what she wants anyway. So I'm going to continue with NC, though I may ask her for her brothers' numbers, as I feel I can help them cope with breaking up with their gfs... but other than that, that's it.

I feel good this morning/afternoon.

I wouldn't ask for her brother's numbers, as this will be a tie that she has with you. If you weren't close enough with them before, why do you need to be close to them now and "help" them through this? It doesn't make sense. I think you still have feelings for this girl and you are more confused than you are leading us here to believe. I wouldn't have anything more to do with this girl or her family. That is just my opinion. You need to break totally away from this person AND her family. Find someone else who is worth your while, otherwise you will begin to move backwards instead of forwards.

I just got another email from the ex... she basically told me that she knew for awhile that it was supposed to end... she insists that I did nothing wrong... and that I was the perfect boyfriend. I find this "i knew for awhile" thing hard to swallow as days before she broke it off with me she was telling me all the nice things you could think of... and then dropped the bomb on me... I can agree with the "you did nothing wrong" part (hear me out), because I can't think of a time where I really screwed up. She goes on to say that God was telling her that it wasn't meant to be even though we got along so great and I treated her so well (really? Is His work that mysterious?). She says about a million times that she is really happy and that things are great, and that she wouldn't change a thing right now. And I'm kind of happy that she's doing good...

anyway, really back to NC, I should have never met up with her... but I thought I was strong enough to handle it... if it weren't for the emails, I think I would have been. This has set me back a bit, definitely not back to day 1 but maybe month 1 or 1 and a half. I guess I think to practically... I know that there's always going to be someone that's 10x better for me in every way imaginable... but I was happy with her. Nothing stays the same I guess... oh well, I guess I got a lot more living and learning to do.

I know that I can't believe/trust anything this girl says anymore, as she is still a young, confused little girl. Its amazing how quickly I bounced back from the crappy feeling I had in the last post... it has literally only been like 20 minutes... NC works so well. I don't feel set back at all anymore.

Ahh, more post break-up bipolar syndrome acting up. Lol
I know I'm going to be just fine... this girl is a drop in the bucket that is my life.

Although I can't shake the feeling that things between us aren't over... is this a typical feeling for the first love?

Sorry to go off topic but I was just curious to what "NC" meant?

As for your situation, Im not an expert on relationships and I definitely have a problem right now myself but I really hope you get through this man. From what I read you seem like you're doing well for yourself and just hang in there.

NC means "No Contact"

Personally I don't believe everything she says, but that doesn't really matter. Right now this is about you and I'm glad you are handling things well. Don't respond to her e-mail and keep moving forward.

I love this website lol

I am a true believer that certain people are brought into our lives for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but after a period, we realize what the reason is. Love is patient and love is kind... love is not jealous or boastful... I think you know the rest of the passage. Maybe this person was a part of your life in order to show you what love is not. Take this relationship as a learning experience.

As far as feeling that things are not over between the two of you, that is completely normal. There are stages in the grieving process that you need to go through before you are finally "healed". I have stated this in other threads of similar topics, so I apologize for being redundant to those who have read these posts. Breakups are very similar to a death of a loved one, as you are experiencing a death of a relationship. You have to go through the denial phase, which is what you are experiencing at this moment. The other stages are anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance (Please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). You may not go through each of these stages in this exact order, and sometimes you keep going back to a particular stage over and over. However, in order to totally get over a relationship, you have to go through each of the stages in order to heal. Some people are able to go through all of the stages as quickly as 6 months, while others continue to "struggle" through all of the stages for as long as many years. If you skip any of these stages and do not allow yourself to experience the feelings of each of these stages, you will never be able to get over a relationship.

Since you state that this is your first love, I take it that you are still rather young. You have a lot of living yet to do, so continue to surround yourself with positive people and experiences, continue to acknowledge the feelings that you are feeling and do not deny any feelings, even if they are negative/sad, etc. Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong. It is what your choose to do because of these feelings (act out in anger, drink in excess, etc.) If you continue to struggle with certain feelings, seek the services of a good therapist to help you work these feelings out.

From what I have read in your posts, you are headed in the right direction. Continue to move forward and resist the temptation to move backwards. Resist the temptation to get in contact with her brothers or her friends, as this will prolong your healing process.

Sorry for the long post. I hope that my advice helps you. Good luck in your choices. I have faith that you will make wise ones.

Mom of 2: Can you go into more detail about the denial phase, such as symptoms, signs, and how to get out of it? I've heard of this stage but I think it would be helpful to all of us to have more details as to how it applies to the end of a relationship.

I think that it is extremely hard to stay friends with someone that you have shared a loving relationship with. It's a great idea in principle but in my experience just leads to confusion and further heartache for at least one of you.

Sounds like you both, if not then certainly she, have mixed feelings after seeing each other. Perfectly understandable!

I would be glad to go into the details of the denial phase, as well as details about the other phases, as this would be helpful to other individuals who are going through a death of a loved one or a breakup of a relationship.

Denial - This is either conscious or unconscious (sometimes we are aware that we are in this phase, sometimes we do not know unless someone points it out to us). This phase is identified as a refusal to accept the fact and avoiding the reality that the relationship is over - or the fact that the death occurred and the person will be walking through the door any minute. It is a defense mechanism and is a natual feeling. If you are going through this during the breakup of a relationship, you constantly tell yourself that both of you will be getting back together soon and that whatever problems that caused the breakup will be resolved and that you are not really broken up. Some people get stuck in this phase for a long time. During a breakup of a relationship, this can last a lot longer because the person is still alive and you may see them or have some kind of contact with this person, who may be giving you mixed signals, etc. However, with death, you cannot avoid reality for a long period.

Anger - People going through a breakup or death may be angry with themselves or with other people. It may be directed at the person they broke up with or who died, or someone close to them who was not involved in the relationship.

Bargaining - For a person who is facing death (i.e. dying of cancer) this person can try to bargain with God (or whoever their "higher power" may be) that if they do not die, they will promise to do something in return (i.e. stop doing drugs, be a better person, not be so short-tempered, etc). For someone experiencing a breakup, this may mean them asking, "Can we at least stay friends?" or "If I change ABC, will you agree to stay with me?" Basically, you are negotiating a better situation than the outcome you see in front of you.

Depression - This has bad connotations, but when a person hits this phase, they are really close to accepting the reality of the situation. This is a feeling of sadness, regret, fear and uncertainty.

Acceptance - This is emotional detachment from the person they lost through death or a breakup in a relationship. Once you are at this stage, you have accepted the reality that the relationship is over and you are ready to move on.

Again, you do not have to go through all of these stages in this exact order, but you do have to go through all of the stages to move forward. Sometimes people have experienced two or more phases at the same time or they may go back and experience one of the phases again, even though you thought you were through with that phase. Also, there is no set time limit that is set on each phase, as some people may take longer to get through a certain phase than others. You have to go through the phases at your own pace. It may take just a few months to go through all of the phases, or it could take years. If you are having an extremely difficult time, please seek the services of a trained professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.)

I hope that this helps. Again, please refer to the book that was written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. You can find the book at your library or in a book store. It is a must read for anyone who is going through a loss, whether it is death or a breakup.

I would be glad to go into the details of the denial phase, as well as details about the other phases, as this would be helpful to other individuals who are going through a death of a loved one or a breakup of a relationship.

Thank you! I really appreciate the time you took to write all that. It definitely helps. One more question with regards to the denial phase. If a person has accepted that the relationship is over, but strongly believes and/or feels that someday the couple will be reunited--maybe months or even years down the line--does that mean he or she is still in the denial phase? Or is it something else?

Again, I am not a professional therapist, but I have helped many friends in dealing with breakups, as well as going through this myself in my divorce and the death of my father when I was 11. So, I am going to offer my opinion, but don't take it as gospel, as it is just my opinion.

If someone THINKS that they have accepted the fact that the relationship is over but still strongly believes that they will get back together with this person, they really have not reached the acceptance phase. They may feel it, but you have not accepted this reality. I am not saying that I don't think that it is possible that even after acceptance that they will never get back together with the person that they broke up with. However, if you are still lost in the thoughts and wishes that you will someday get back together with your ex and your ex does not want to get back together, then you are STILL in denial and have not truly reached the acceptance phase. Every relationship situation is different and it is hard to say what phase someone is in unless you happen to know the person well (i.e. in a therapist/client situation or being a close friend) If I would hazard a guess, you never hit acceptance and you are still in denial. Don't be scared or feel the need to rush through these phases. Identify your feelings and try to understand why you are feeling this way. Finding a good therapist to discuss your relationship and why you may be feeling a certain way will definitely help you get through the breakup.

I hope I was able to answer your question.

Thank you. That's actually what I was thinking but I needed someone to confirm that. Again, I really appreciate your insight. It definitely helps :)

So its been quite awhile since I last made a post... if you don't know my story, here's a quick review.

Dated ex for 2 years,
She goes away to college,
We do the long distance thing,
Don't last 1 semester,
Breaks up with me and starts dating a new guy in the same hour/day/week,
I make attempts to get her back for 2 weeks... epic fail.
I realize I'm better off (with the help of the lovely people here at AMHD)
Then I start NC at the beginning of January.

Back in July, I sent her a drunken text saying that I miss her... she reply'd the next day and we text back and forth for a little bit, and since then there has been a text here and there, maybe once or twice a month. She initiates and I just respond out of kindness, it hasn't bothered me at all, so I think I'm fine.

Anyway, I'm moving into a new apartment soon, so I'm going through all my stuff and guess what I go through... the crap that reminds me of her, stuff she gave me, pictures... etc... and instead of just pushing it to the side and continuing along, I decided to go through it all... take in the memories... at first some of the stuff just made me smile, and eventually I found myself sobbing like a child...

I don't get it... I've been out with a few girls since but nothing serious, mostly because I don't want anything serious... at least not for a while. I know that I don't want her back... but its been a long time... why am I still upset about this? I mean, she was my first love so I guess it'll take awhile but I really thought I was done with all this emotional crap, how can she still be doing this to me after I've cut the cord, after I've hung out with other girls and had a great time... hell I've even recently went to london! (had a great time, btw)

Are these just emotions I've bottled up coming out? Should I be worried about this? Do I
Subconsciously still want her back?

You shouldn't have went through the box, that simple. Doesn't sound like you are completely over her yet

Nothing wrong with getting those feelings out, as long as you realize they change nothing.

They had to come out sometimes, so be glad it was under those circumstances, and not in public.

I think we all would have reacted the same, and it took a long time to not breakdown when I saw my high school prom picture recently, and that was... omigosh, a long, long time ago, in a far away galaxy!

Acknowledge those feelings, deal with them, and move beyond them, and don't let them confuse you, not even for a minute.

I have the same infamous box in the back of my closet and though I've kept NC for 5 months now I'm not sure I would look through it. I'm well beyond the point of wishing she would come back to me, or waiting to see if she is going to call me - but my heart still drops a little when I hear her name or see pictures of her...

What I'm trying to get at is give yourself a break, you weren't ready and you looked at the pictures, but there's nothing wrong with you. Pack it all back in the box and try again in another 6 months :p