Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her. I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again. 3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.

I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.

I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?

Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.

Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.

I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.

This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.

Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.

I feel really sorry for you, but I feel even worse for the child that you fathered. Drunk is no excuse In my opinion. You had unprotected sex with this girl. I guess you should count yourself lucky that you did not contract a STD also. First thing you should do is accept the fact she wants to have this baby. After the baby is born insist on a paternity test. If it turns out that you are the father, I feel you should step up to the plate and support this child.

I agree totally with 450donn, but I also have a few things to add.

You said "I can't understand why someone would want to keep some random persons child" This isn't just your child, its hers too, and yes, he does have the decision to keep it.

You say how in so love you are with girlfriend... then why did you cheat on her?

Now come on, you are an adult. You made the decision to have sex with her, and you know what the consequenses are when people have sex. You should have thought about the possibility of pregnancy before hopping into bed with her.

I agree with all of above but also, you did not use a condom so you were also risking disease from this girl to your girlfriend. I don't understand if you loves sombody how you could do this?
I can understand why this girl wants to keep it, abortion is not and easy thing to just go and do.
I am afraid you made your bed now you have to lay in it.

I DO NOT feel sorry for you. You made this bed and now you have to lie in it. You chose to have unprotected sex with this girl. Or you chose to get drunk either way you ARE responsible.

The only slight bit of sympathy I have for you is that you have no control over this girl's decision to keep the child. But the fact is you don't. So the fact is you may have ruined your life and what you now have to do is pick up the pieces.

First, you go to your girlfriend, tell her the truth (that you got drunk and not really knowing what you were doing, had sex with this girl). Hopefully this was the only time you cheated so you will promise her never to do it again. If she really loves you, she will, hopefully, forgive you. If she is a good person, she will insist on you both being a part of this child's life.

The second thing you do is request a court order for a DNA test as soon as the baby is born. Do not sign a birth certificate or offer any other financial support until its confirmed you are the father.

If it is confirmed then you file for at least joint custody with visitation rights. Remember this will be YOUR baby as well and it deserves to have a loving father.

If you and your girlfriend get married you might even consider gaining full custody of this child and raising it yourselves. That would get back at this girl.

Nick, I'm sorry but "BadLuckNick" does not suit you. This might have been while drunk, but this was no mistake for either of you. I understand that you're a bit shocked and upset right now, but I feel its important to point some things out before your thinking gets any more blurred.


I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn't work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her.
Then I wonder why you were hanging out with her to begin with.


I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion. I am pro-choice but from your statement, I have to disagree. Was your "advise" because you are afraid to loose your girlfriend? I'm sorry, but this would not change things. Eventually, baby or not, she will discover that you are unfaithful.


I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?
Some people form emotional attachments to their unborn children. You can't judge a person for that.


Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right. This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.
If this is your child, your life is not over, its just changing. SHE will not destroy your life. You made your bed, and you must lie in it. Nothing better to do with her time? Let me tell you, if this is your baby... you better change that attitude QUICK. She's claiming to be the mother of your child and if that's the case you need to start putting a better light on things for the sake of your child.


Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
Hard as it may be to believe right now, this isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. Death, disease, starvation, there are much bigger problems in the world.

I have to say, honestly, that while I realize you're quite upset, the comments you're making do not make you a better person than this girl you're talking about. Maybe you should take a step back and think about how you're coming across with your own behavior and attitude.

Its time to put your best face forward. Its not about you anymore, its about that baby.

Damn. And I thought I had a rough week.

Sorry nick... but even though the pre-posters are VERY harsh, you kind of deserve it.

Now, one thing: you made a mistake. And to the angry women out there... trust me. It can happen. Maybe him and his girlfriend got in a fight and he decided to get drunk... yes. He had control over the situation, and NO it's not acceptable... but I understand where he's coming from. What's done is done. No use yelling at him about it. Pretty sure he won't do it again...

You got to tell the girl the truth. Be honest. Tell her every little detail. Sucks even more if you're vague and she later finds out more. Trust me. She might yell. She might scream. She might tell you that she hates you. She might leave. You deserve all that.

If she leaves, then fine. You step up and take care of your responsibilities.

If she stays, then talk about your responsibilities and see how this'll work out. Even though the kid might seem like the spawn of the devil to you, take care of it. Do what you have to do. In no way shape or form, do you abandon this responsibility.

Okay you effed up. You know it, enough said. Now first thing, regardless, clean your slate with your girlfriend and perhaps some miracl intervention will arise. Next demand that this 1NiteGirl can giv you proof that she si pregnant. Also refuse to pay her anything until the results of a paternity test state you are that possible child's biological father. As of right now from ou described this girl was easy and drunk or not, you knew what you were doing. If not then perhaps there is a bigger issue here and mayb you should seek some alcohol/drug abuse consling. Different things to think of. A baby could be least of your worries. What about Herpes, AIDS, what about guilt of passing a sexually transmitted disease or infection to the girlfriend you claim to adore. How would you feel if you gav her aids and killed her, bcause you were to drunk to remember getting freaky with a tramp. Think about things before you do it. If you always do what you ve always done, then you'll always get what you always got. Learn from it and keep your penis out of places it does not belong.

Learn from it and keep your penis out of places it does not belong.

The following are things you need to keep your penis out of:

Zipper
Door hinge
Fish bowl
vice grip
Flashlight battery compartment
Toaster
Vacuum
Chinese finger trap

Hope things work out.

A. As danieLovesPaul said she may not be pregnant or
B. if she is how do you know she wasn't with somebody else too and trying to pin it on you?

C. tell her you want a DNA test before you sign the birth certificate or agree to child support
in some states once your name is on the birth certificate it is hard to get out of child support

D. You are going to have to REALLY make this up to your girlfriend jump hoops and do everything for her to trust you. If she wants to randomly pop in to the bar or whatever if that is what it takes to regain her trust do it.

E. Don't get so drunk --and use your brain about consequences --and LEARN from this.
Many girls just want a baby and don't care how or who.

You have no right to tell this lady to get an abortion.

To try to pin it all on the girl is wrong especially when you made the choice to get so drunk.

I also agree that this girl might be pregnant by somebody else, how do you not know, you will need to find out when the baby is born.

50/50 blame here you know.

Take the rightful blame and try to own up to your situation.

Yes everybody makes mistakes, or does things that they regret. The trick or the best solution is to ACTUALLY LEARN FROM THIS AND NEVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.

Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her. I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again. 3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.

I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.

I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?

Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.

Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.

I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.

This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.

Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
First Mistake you made was getting Drunk, all the other mistakes you made after that are due to the first mistake. Maybe think a little bit next time before doing anything, like having too much to drink to start with. There are always consequence to actions, and in that we have to learn to grow up and take responsibilities for our actions.

Sorry

Why should this girl have an abortion (or do anything else, really) for YOU?

Her claim could be that you used her for sex, and she was "good enough for one night, but not good enough to date--you jerk"

Yes, this has messed up your life. Should have thought about that before you took your pants off.

Your best bet now is to come clean to your girlfriend, and find a way to be a good parent to your child.

Although, frankly, from your description of the whole thing, you wouldn't be a better father than the girl would be a mother. UNLESS--you start growing up, starting now, and taking responsibility for your actions. YOU did this to yourself. Own your actions and make the best of it, imo.

Yes, this has messed up your life. Should have thought about that before you took your pants off.

I am NOT disagreeing with this comment. I COMPLETELY agree.

But to the guys here... really, how many of us REALLY think about things before we take our pants off. Be honest. You're vulnerable... there's a girl who's willing to sleep with you...

I've been in this situation before, but I was sober enough to tell the girl I had a girlfriend. Let's say that you DON'T have a girlfriend, but you just know that sleeping with her is a bad idea... still, you think about it much?

i am NOT disagreeing with this comment. i COMPLETELY agree.

but to the guys here...really, how many of us REALLY think about things before we take our pants off. be honest. you're vulnerable...there's a girl who's willing to sleep with you...

I've been in this situation before, but i was sober enough to tell the girl I had a girlfriend. Let's say that you DON'T have a girlfriend, but you just know that sleeping with her is a bad idea...still, you think about it much?


I'm a woman. I *always* have thought of precautions before having sex, because I was the one who could get pregnant.

Funny--if men had to go through the agonizing decision about what to do with an unplanned pregnancy, then either go through an abortion or 9 months of pregnancy (which, by the way, messes with your body and emotions in ways you can not comprehend), betcha there would be fewer guys saying "oh, but she was WILLING, and I was DRUNK"

Sorry--I know you agree with me, but at the same time--if a guy doesn't want a kid with a woman, he shouldn't sleep with her. Women have a few more options than that, most of them agonizing choices, but once you've stuck your sausage into her wahoo, you can't really complain if she turns up pregnant and doesn't do what YOU want with the pregnancy.

And--before this gets out of proportion--I advocate the same thing for women. If you don't want a baby, DON'T HAVE SEX.

I think you should tell your girlfriend what happened. Even if this girl isn't pregnant, word might get around to your girlfriend about the one night stand. Things like that have a way of coming out whether you like it or not. Be honest with her, I think you owe her that much. She might dump you, and she will be extremely hurt and angry. But, better she hear it from you than from someone else.
Tell the pregnant girl that you will need to have a paternity test when the baby is born. She could have already been pregnant when you slept together, for all you know. I wouldn't recommend telling this girl that, but definitely demand a paternity test.
If it turns out that you are the father, I hope you will step up to the plate and take responsibility. The girl sounds like she has her mind made up about keeping it. And by the way, it is not your place to suggest abortion to her. I'm not trying to start a pro-life, pro-choice debate or anything. But, the law says that she has a right to chose, and she has made her choice. Don't pressure her to change her mind.
The baby didn't have a choice in how it was created. If you think this girl is horrible parent material, all the more reason for you to be involved in this child's life. You will be able to monitor how this kid is being treated. If this girl turns out to be a horrible mother, you may be able to gain custody, if that is what you wish. But, sometimes people do turn their lives around when they have a kid, so I wouldn't write her off as a mom yet.
The bottom line is that you made your bed and now you are going to have to lie in it. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. You were just as dumb for cheating as you and this girl were for not using protection. Drunk is not an excuse. Unless you were passed out and she date-raped you, you are still responsible. I've been drunk a time or two when my fiancée wasn't around and I never cheated on him. I'm not trying to preach at you, but you have to 'fess up and take responsibility. You made a mistake. The girl isn't "ruining your life" if she wants you to take responsibility for the child that you helped create. IF you don't want the responsibility, don't have unprotected sex.
Also, tell your girlfriend so that she and you can get tested for STDs. You could be putting her health at risk. Some STDs don't have symptoms in the early stages. I hope your girlfriend can forgive you and everything works out. I'm sorry that this will be hard for you, but if you do the right thing, you will be a better person for it. And it could make a world of difference in your child's life. Good luck to you.

once you've stuck your sausage into her wahoo, you can't really complain

t-shirt idea... for so many different reasons =D

IF the paternity test identifies you as the father you have both a legal and moral obligation to support the child. BUT you are not obliged to marry the child's mother, so don't let your guilt drag you there (assuming your real girlfriend leaves your sorry butt in the dust). Not that you aren't guilty. You are. But you don't have to compound your problems because of it. You have plenty of problems as it is.

I would not encourage and abortion. I understand that you are afraid about this but if you think about it, it isn't the child's fault that it was conceived. It is a 50-50 yours and this girls. Drunk or not you still made the choice to have sex with her. You should not make the child suffer because of your poor judgment. If you do not think that you or she is capable of raising the child then maybe you should talk to her about adoption. There are many couples in the world that can't have children of their own, that would love to take the child.

I think that you should tell your girlfriend what happened, if you apologize for it and she really loves you she will forgive you for your actions. True love is unconditional. You should tell her before someone else does.

You should encourage the mother of your child not to have an abortion but to adopt out this child. Adopting out a child doesn't always mean that you will have no relationship with the child. It is from a gift from a mother to a child. If she cannot take care of her child, she is by adopting it out giving it a chance at a better life.

Poor guy, it must have been awful how that nasty girl tricked you, poured the booze down your belly, forced you out of your pants, and made you forget about your girlfriend, as she coerced you into having sex with her.

Cold drinks and a hot piece of pie might have seemed like the special that night, but it sure will cost you plenty.

Time to grow up and be a man, take responsibility for what you did, regardless of if it went the way you expected or not.

I would not encourage and abortion. I understand that you are afraid about this but if you think about it, it isn't the child's fault that it was conceived. It is a 50-50 yours and this girls. Drunk or not you still made the choice to have sex with her. You should not make the child suffer because of your poor judgment. If you do not think that you or she is capable of raising the child then maybe you should talk to her about adoption. There are many couples in the world that can't have children of their own, that would love to take the child.

I think that you should tell your gf what happened, if you apologize for it and she really loves you she will forgive you for your actions. True love is unconditional. You should tell her before someone else does.

You should encourage the mother of your child not to have an abortion but to adopt out this child. Adopting out a child doesn't always mean that you will have no relationship with the child. It is from a gift from a mother to a child. If she cannot take care of her child, she is by adopting it out giving it a chance at a better life.

The way the woman in this situation sounds--adoption will NOT be her choice--more pity to the child.

I cannot, however, condone the tactic of bringing the "poor desperate couples longing for a child" into the equation of whether someone chooses adoption. We all know they're out there--there's no reason to guilt ANYONE into choosing adoption because of someone ELSE'S sad story.

Living with adoption is HARD--I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

And I'm one of those "poor desperate couples longing for a child"--but I'm also a birthmom.

Adoption should be a choice made with eyes open, for the best interests of both mother and child--not a guilt trip about what a "better life the child will have". You can't know that--there are enough stories about adopted children NOT happy with their adoptions that you can't guarantee a better life for the child.

A couple of people have said it is not your place to demand or even suggest an abortion. On that point I have to disagree. I think you have the right to SUGGEST and REQUEST (but NOT demand) that she abort the child. It is also your life that will be majorly affected by the birth of this child. Abortion is an option that has to be considered. But that's as far as it goes. If she decides not to take advantage of that option or to even consider it, that is HER option and you do not have the right or demand or pressure her into it.

It is not an option I personally would recommend or choose, but it has to be acknowledged that it is a legal option that is available.

Well if she still keeps the baby are you going to be part of the babies life as a dad

[quote=BadLuckNick]Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl.
Its only a mistake because of the consequences, and you probably would be bragging if it where not for those consequences.
The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her.
So she is a loser, what does that make someone who sleeps with that loser?
I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again.
Drunk is no excuse, That only makes you a drunk who sleeps with losers, a drunk loser!
3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.
I'll bet you aren't drunk now, that was some sobering news.
I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.
You were not used, you volunteered.
I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself.
Did you think about that wonderful life when you were getting drunk? When you were donating sperm?
I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.
If you thought it was yours you have that right to suggest, whatever you want.
I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?
Because regardless who the father is, it comes from her body and she KNOWS, its hers.
Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.
Keep working hard to get everything right, including recognising your part in creating an innocent life.
Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.
Now you use the big head, after the little head has already spoken. To late!
I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.
Except when your drunk, right.
This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.
Obviously neither did you. Getting drunk, CHEATING, and ignore your role in this drama.
Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
Cut off the little head, and stop getting drunk and sleeping with the locals and I guarantee, this will never happen again. Or stop cheating on a female you supposedly adore, and slumming with one who you think is a loser. As of now a DNA test at birth will either relieve you, or convict you. Wait for the test. Either way, be a man about it. Nobody can help you with that.

BadLuckNick,

I have been in your situation... only I was the girlfriend. If your girlfriend TRULY loves you, and you TRULY love her - you two will work it out - but you have to let your girlfriend be involved with you every step of the way. At first, my boyfriend (now husband) and I hoped that the girl would have an abortion, and when she decided not to, we realized that we (all 3 of us) were going to be parents. I commend her on not having an abortion, as I was whole-heartedly against it - but at the same time, the idea that this little "problem" could just go away, seemed like the best thing for all of us. My boyfriend and I broke up, he had a one night stand, we got back together, he found out she was pregnant, and we spent 9 months of AGONY waiting for this child to be born... only to find out that the baby wasn't his. We were both relieved and devastated, as this child and this woman had come between us and the consequences of their actions could have destroyed our relationship... but at the same time, we had decided that we were ready to be parents.

I'm sure that I'm going to get flamed for posting this, and encouraging this option, but if the girl has said no to an abortion, have you suggested adoption? My husband and I discussed this option and he was uncomfortable with it (assuming the child was his). My argument was that this was not a baby who was made of love, but that the child deserved to have two loving parents, preferably in the same home. Again, the mother insisted that she was keeping the baby, and we were ready to step up to the plate.

There are a few things that I would encourage you to do. Ask the mother if she will consent to an amnio DNA test. I don't know how far along this woman is, but this can be given in the 13th-20th week with very little risk. At least this way, you don't have to wait until the baby is born to A. Start your life over... or B. Hire an attorney and make plans as far as custody or visitation, as well as child support. If your girlfriend chooses to be a part of this, you will need to make sure that she is equally involved in the entire process, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.

Regardless of what happens, I don't think you're a loser or a bad person, and I commend you for coming somewhere like this to ask questions. Everybody makes mistakes, but everything happens for a reason. This will either make your relationship with a truly wonderful, forgiving woman very strong... or it will teach you a lesson about loving someone and losing them.

Good luck to you.

You've learned a very hard lesson at a great price. While I don't personally believe in abortion I agree that, based just on your post, this girl is not prepared to raise a child and should consider adoption. But that's her decision to make. If she does decide to keep it you are going to be responsible to provide financial support (if the child is actually yours ; make sure you get a DNA test if it comes to that) and will have all of the rights and responsibilities of any father. Unfortunately there's no easy way out in this situation.

This is a little off topic but still relates in an indirect way. If a girl in a long term relationship got very drunk and impregnated by another man, wouldn't it be OK for her to label it rape under the law? Also, I doubt she would be attacked for considering the abortion because she never intended to have a child (she could say she was used when she was impregnated). In fact many people would call her responsible for having one. Yet this guy has no rights over the choice to have a child or not other than whether to drink heavily/risk lowering his sexual guards. This guy did exactly what she did, he doesn't want the child because of the trauma it would cause to his life. Despite this, he's getting no support... hes just being told to "man up". Seems pretty unfair.

I can see your point. But men and women are not equal when it comes to the babies. He made a huge mistake, he acknowledges that. A woman being raped is no mistake, it's a crime. Big difference.

This is a little off topic but still relates in an indirect way. If a girl in a long term relationship got very drunk and impregnated by another man, wouldn't it be ok for her to label it rape under the law? Also, I doubt she would be attacked for considering the abortion because she never intended to have a child (she could say she was used when she was impregnated). In fact many people would call her responsible for having one. Yet this guy has no rights over the choice to have a child or not other than whether or not to drink heavily/risk lowering his sexual guards. This guy did exactly what she did, he doesn't want the child because of the trauma it would cause to his life. Despite this, hes getting no support...hes just being told to "man up". Seems pretty unfair.

The issue you're missing is that the OP had the option to not get drunk and to not have sex. By not exercising those options he lost some of his rights.

But I agree there is a certain amount of unfairness in this situation. The woman does have more control.

Unfair? Just because it isn't going the way he wants it to? I don't accept that at all. He wasn't raped and it was his choice to drink. If he makes life changing situations when he is drunk, it is still his fault. I wonder how many winos complain that life isn't fair when they feel sorry for themselves?

"If he makes life changing situations when he is drunk, it is still his fault."

Replace "he" with "she"...
Picture your sister or another significant female in your life being drunk out of her mind one night and having sex with a man who wasn't drunk. If she became pregnant, would you place the blame on her?

"But men and women are not equal when it comes to the babies"

If men and women can't be equal in a certain situation then they can never be completely equal. That really doesn't say much for feminism... are you sure that's the situation?


"the OP had the option to not get drunk and to not have sex. By not exercising those options he lost some of his rights."

So the issue is his right to drink all he wants, not the fact that a girl took advantage of his state of mind? Again, replace "he" with "she" and see how it sounds...


"Unfair? Just because it isn't going the way he wants it to? I don't accept that at all. He wasn't raped and it was his choice to drink."

If I were to say "she wasn't raped, and it was her choice to drink" I would sound like a real...


I'm not trying to be a here or call anyone out, but it really seems to be that this guy is facing a double standard, and I feel for him. I'm 22 and while I've never cheated on my girlfriend, I can imagine what this guy is feeling right now... I don't think he needs more people telling him what a bad person he is.

If the OP had been a female who drank herself into a state of having sex with someone who wasn't drunk, resulting in the female getting pregnant, I would still feel that she was at fault for her decision. She could call the man all the names she wanted, but I would still tell her to deal with it. Even if I didn't say it, the fact is that the person will still have to deal with the results of their actions no matter if they were planned or not.

And if it happened to my sister, I would still say that some of the blame was hers the same as I am saying that the OP has some blame in this situation.

The biggest difference, seems to be that a woman has the right to decide is she will keep the baby or not, where as the man can not make that decision. That issue would not change regardless of what gender the drunk person was. The woman takes the risk of getting pregnant, and the male risks being the donor.

Arguing over the woman's right to choose and how it affects the man could go either way, because some women will choose to keep the baby against the wishes of the man, and other women will not keep the baby despite the man's wishes. That is a gamble the male takes, just as the female gambles on if she will conceive or not.

Neither males nor females need a pity party if they did something that led to a pregnancy.

Would I place the blame on a woman that got drunk and got pregnant from it? You betcha. Wouldn't feel sorry for her at all, actually. And yeah--I'd expect her to deal with the results of her bad decision (to get drunk and have sex).

BOTH parties have the right to prevent conception by simply not having sex. Once you've had sex, you're equally responsible for the results of it.

I do, however, draw the line at men being able to make the choice FOR the woman. Sorry--we went through a couple thousand years of men being able to treat women like property, and I'm not willing to go back to that. And until men can get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months, I'm not willing to have him decide that SHE should go through it, either, if she doesn't want to.

I don't feel I hold a double standard here. I think that if you don't want to get pregnant, don't drop your pants, regardless of gender. HOWEVER--having been the pregnant female with a guy that was ready to ditch because it was "way too much responsibility"--there's no WAY I'd let a guy decide which direction an unplanned pregnancy goes. The one thing that most guys lack (and notice my use of the word MOST here, fellows! I'm not raggin' on you as a group) is the concept that a baby is REAL until it's born, or until they can feel it kick, or whatever. For women--the consequences are often QUITE real, and for many women, very quickly. When you're throwing up your shoes every morning because you can't stop dry heaving--and it goes on for 3 months or so--it becomes really real, really quickly.

I'm not trying to be a here or call anyone out, but it really seems to be that this guy is facing a double standard, and I feel for him. I'm 22 and while I've never cheated on my girlfriend, I can imagine what this guy is feeling right now...I don't think he needs more people telling him what a bad person he is.

Go back and reread the initial post. In that post the OP is refusing to take responsibility. The girl "used him"! That's why we came down on him and deservedly so.

"I do, however, draw the line at men being able to make the choice FOR the woman. Sorry--we went through a couple thousand years of men being able to treat women like property, and I'm not willing to go back to that. And until men can get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months, I'm not willing to have him decide that SHE should go through it, either, if she doesn't want to. I don't feel I hold a double standard here. I think that if you don't want to get pregant, don't drop your pants, regardless of gender"

In terms of fairness, I try to keep away form things that happened thousands of years ago lol. For instance, if I were splitting a pizza pie between a brother and sister (jack and jill) I wouldn't give jill an extra slice because their grandpa had more pizza than their grandma. That's a little peeve of mine. Anyway, you make a good point, it is inherently not equal in terms of what a person physically goes through to have a baby... I think in the end it feels like the situation would never be completely fair for the guy, because I think in this case if he could go through an abortion procedure himself, he would. Its just by nature that he will never have that right.

"If the OP had been a female who drank herself into a state of having sex with someone who wasn't drunk, resulting in the female getting pregnant, I would still feel that she was at fault for her decision."

To be honest, that's a pretty straight-foward, logical assessment. In our society however, I think it would be much easier for a girl to drop the responsibility for this action than it is for a guy. A girl having sex when drunk out of her mind can easily be transformed into a girl being raped. I think he's trying to use the same argument in his situation. I personally am not sure if having sex while you are intoxicated deserves to be called rape, but if one gender can get away with the claim, why shouldn't the other?

A girl having sex when drunk out of her mind can easily be transformed into a girl being raped. I think hes trying to use the same argument in his situation. I personally am not sure if having sex while you are intoxicated deserves to be called rape, but if one gender can get away with the claim, why shouldn't the other?

While there have been male rape cases successfully prosecuted, they are rare. Several reasons for that. Most guys would be unlikely to refuse sex if offered. Generally the male is better equipped to fight back against it. Most males would be embarrassed to scream rape.

Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her. I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again. 3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.

I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.

I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?

Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.

Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.

I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.

This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.

Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
You made your bed time to live up to unprotected sex...
So drunk this loser, could entrap you I not sex, I think not
Please think about what you said , about this person...
She maybe thinking the same as you , she mite be peggy ,and the father want to get rid of it ? Come lets get real my friend
Stop drinking till you can control , your in your pants

"Most guys would be unlikely to refuse sex if offered. Generally the male is better equipped to fight back against it. Most males would be embarrassed to scream rape."

Those are some pretty clear reasons as to why its rare for guys to accuse girls of rape. I think the point however is not whether they would refuse or take sex in a sober state, but rather whether they were (or weren't) capable of making a decision at the time of the act. Because executive judgement is so impaired when a person is intoxicated, some would argue that he/she does not have the mental capacity to make a choice at all. If a person is incapable of making a well thought out decision then they are incapable of truly consenting. I always thought that the foundation of rape was sex without a persons consent. What a person would do if they were sober/their physical ability to fight back both seem irrelevant.

Ahh, but the decision to drink to excess was a conscious decision. By the way, the courts have rejected the premise that being drunk is an out for committing a crime.

If the female in this situation had posted, I would be just as hard on her. She has consequences for her choices too.

You sound very selfish. She was good enough for you to sleep with but, you talk about her this way that's effed up. You need to be polite and supportive and find out what this girl wants to do does she want to keep it is she interested in adoption. It is not like she was trying to trap you she was not the only one in the bed. You know how bad you feel. Well think about how she feels. She might of even liked you and thought since you were willing to do these things with her I am sure she thought you liked her. Can you imagine accidentally getting pregnant and the guy was just as in it as you were. You found out you are pregnant now he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. Your right you might or you might not lose your girlfriend. That is not this girls fault either. You are the one who is in a relationship if you loved your girlfriend you should have kept it in your pants. If you had there would be no problems. Do the right thing still go to school. You also need to be there for this girl and support whatever decision she makes. If she wants to put it up for adoption be nice and be there for her and sign the papers. If she wants to keep it be nice to her and tell her you are not ready and you would like to give up your parental rights to the baby. Go to a lawyer and sign the papers. That is if you don't want to be in the babies life. Your going to have to tell your girlfriend because, she will find out eventually one way or another. She will either forgive you or it will be over but, you should have thought about that before you cheated on her. Now go and do the right thing.

Michelle

You sound very selfish. She was good enough for you to sleep with but, you talk about her this way thats effed up. You need to be polite and supportive and find out what this girl wants to do does she want to keep it is she interested in adoption. It is not like she was trying to trap you she was not the only one in the bed. You know how bad you feel. Well think about how she feels. She might of even liked you and thought since you were willing to do these things with her I am sure she thought you liked her. Can you imagine accidentally getting pregnant and the guy was just as in it as you were. You found out you are pregnant now he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. Your right you might or you might not lose your girlfriend. That is not this girls fault either. You are the one who is in a relationship if you loved your girlfriend you should of kept it in your pants. If you had there would be no problems. Do the right thing still go to school. You also need to be there for this girl and support whatever decision she makes. If she wants to put it up for adoption be nice and be there for her and sign the papers. If she wants to keep it be nice to her and tell her you are not ready and you would like to give up your parental rights to the baby. Go to a lawyer and sign the papers. That is if you don't want to be in the babies life. Your gonna have to tell your girlfriend because, she will find out eventually one way or another. She will either forgive you or it will be over but, you should have thought about that before you cheated on her. Now go and do the right thing.

Michelle

Michelle--he can sign over his rights all he wants to, but that will ONLY mean he has no say in the child's life. He'll STILL be responsible for child support. Signing over your parental rights is generally ONLY allowed if someone is there to adopt the child.

His girlfriend IS going to find out, if only when the child support papers come.

I said right there in the message I wrote that he needs to tell his girlfriend he will either forgive or he won't. I think if she decides to keep the baby he either needs to be in the child life or not. I have a child from before I got married and if they are suppose to come but, don't. It hurts them when they don't show up. I just think he either needs to make up his mind if he is either going to be a real father or a half hinney one. If he is not going to be there when he is suppose to and pay what he is suppose to then he needs to let them move on with their lives. I am not sure about the parental rights thing. I would think if he was giving up all rights to the child that would also make it where he didn't have to pay child support. I am not by any means trying to help him get out of paying child support. If he is going to act toward them the way he was talking about the child's mother they would be better off with out him in their life. I many times wish my sons father had signed away his rights. Anyway I think he needs to do what's right.

"Ahh, but the decision to drink to excess was a conscious decision. By the way, the courts have rejected the premise that being drunk is an out for committing a crime."

The decision to drink does no entail the decision to lose ones rights. If this were so, no girl would ever get away with charging a man with rape due to her intoxication. How can a person consent to sex if they can't think logically. The sober person should be aware of this before they decide to have sex with the intoxicated party. It clearly can't be analogous to a drunken person committing a crime because of the nature of the incident. There was another conscious party actively carrying the event forward, one that should have had the awareness to prevent the event from taking place.

"If the female in this situation had posted, I would be just as hard on her. She has consequences for her choices too."

I disagree. While I'm sure it is very difficult on her, I feel that having a choice puts her above his situation. It seems to me that if he could endure an abortion to make this go away, he would. Since he can't, the situation is even more bleak from his point of view.


I'd like to add: Because this girl carries the responsibility of pregnancy and you really don't have the ability to decide whether it continues, you need to accept that this baby will be born. Your life has to change now, because however this baby came to be, it needs to be cared for properly. You might have a lot of negative feelings towards the mom and a great sense of loss, but you need to look at this from a different perspective if you are going to get through it the right way. Your perspective needs to be centered around the child, which is honestly the most innocent party in this mess. Doing the right thing will take a lot of sacrifice, but being as supportive as you can to the child (and subsequently its mother) will make you a better person in the end. I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to, but it doesn't mean that you can never be happy again.

I am not sure about the parental rights thing. I would think if he was giving up all rights to the child that would also make it where he didn't have to pay child support.

We ARE sure about the parental rights thing. There are dozens of threads here that have discussed the issue. There is also a sticky note about it. It was also discussed earlier in this thread. The bottomline is that courts will NOT allow a father to relinquish parental rights to get out of child support. Generally TPR is granted only where there is someone waiting to adopt or the parent represents a danger to the child. Please make sure of your facts, before giving inaccurate advice.

Talaniman

"If the female in this situation had posted, I would be just as hard on her. She has consequences for her choices too."

Sprewel1614

I disagree. While I'm sure it is very difficult on her, I feel that having a choice puts her above his situation. It seems to me that if he could endure an abortion to make this go away, he would. Since he can't, the situation is even more bleak from his point of view.

I don't think the fact she has a say over whether she has a child or not, puts her above the situation. It does give her an added responsibility though, as raising a child without the father is going to be rough, and his child support will never cover enough of the cost for raising a child. That's why I don't care about either, so called parent in this case, only the innocent child.

Amen that is what I was trying to say. I was just trying to tell him how he could do the best thing for the child.

Hi,

I am in a real dilemma. I made the stupid mistake of having a one-night stand with a local girl. The girl in my opinion is a loser and is the kind of person that would want a child to fit in with her single mum friends. She doesn’t work, scrounges off the government and generally has little going for her. I was very drunk and we had a one night stand, never to talk again. 3.5 weeks later I get a call from the girl saying she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

I almost feel I was used to get her pregnant.

I have a life, a wonderful girlfriend that I adore. If I was to lose this girl I am not sure what I would do with myself. I have begged the girl to think about this properly and have advised an abortion.

I can't understand why she would want to keep a random persons child?

Someone please help me, I can't lose my life over this. I am only 22 and had so much going right for me and I worked so hard to get everything right.

Now I am going to lose my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since we were 16. We are best friends and happily in love.

I was in a paraletic state when I made this mistake and would never do anything to hurt my GF.

This girl lives locally to me and I am worried she will destroy my life. She has nothing better to do with her time.

Someone please help me. This can't be happening to me.
Well you sure sound like someone who wants to point the finger of blame here! You are the one with the girlfriend whom you say you love sooo much yet you allowed yourself to screw some other girl. Doesn't sound like an award-winning boyfriend to me. I'm tired of hearing people blame their actions on being drunk... like who's fault was it you were drunk in the first place? YOURS. So now this girl says she is pregnant.. Who do you think you are telling her to get an abortion? Because it will ruin your perfect life with your girlfriend? No Im sorry honey, you are the only one who ruined that.. Its not the girls fault nor that innocent baby she is carrying. As far as if it is your baby or not, you will have to wait until the baby is born and do a DNA test.. and if the baby is yours, you should take full responsibility for it and stop being a selfish little kid... and if its not yours, then I guess you can continue living this lie you are so willing to keep from your girlfriend, that you got drunk one night and forgot all about her and screwed some girl.. thats what it all comes down to.

"I don't think the fact she has a say over whether she has a child or not, puts her above the situation. It does give her an added responsibility though, as raising a child without the father is going to be rough, and his child support will never cover enough of the cost for raising a child."

She's not above the situation, what I mean was she was above his situation due to her options. For instance, she has to option to send it up for adoption, abort it, she could leave it with him et cetera... To me options were always beneficial in a situation. Anyway, I agree that the kid matters much more than either of these two in this situation and that's the main concern.

The ultimate loser in this? This unborn child. This child didn't asked to be fathered by someone who didn't even mention him/her when begging for help. Seriously, if you are the father (I highly suggest DNA testing) I am really concerned that all your thinking about is how this will effect you. Your girlfriend has the right to know what you have done. You made the mistake, now stand up and be a man, and deal with it. Ignoring it, will not make it go away. This girl didn't and can't ruin your life, you opened that door of shame yourself by not keeping Mr. Happy where he belonged.

HAHA, this happened to me, of course me being the girl that ended up prgnant, and he too had a girlfriend at the time, was very supportive, went to all the Dr. appointments broke up with his girlfriend so he could see his baby be born, and has been an awesome father, and we have been friends through out his life (he is 5) makes things so much easier! In fact 2 yrs ago WE started dating, and have the best friendship and relationship! Now don't get me wrong, this won't happen in every situation, but I think you should try to at least be there for her.
I how this sounds harsh too, but I don't care how drunk you were you stuck your in this girl and created life, so you just want to kill the baby now because it is convient for you? NO, you take care of her and the baby! Besides if you cheated on you girlfriend you "LOVE SO MUCH" you don't know what love is bud, because love doesn't
Do things like that! And if you really do think you love her you should tell her before she hears from someone else and makes things even worse for you!
Good luck!

Unfortuneately, the person who posted this question has not responded at all since the middle of December. Time to let the thread die.