Hi, I have been reading the different sites on unhappy relationships, divorce, marriage, etc... hope I posted to the correct forum, cause this one's pretty complex!

We have been married for going on 16 years now, and have had a bumpy ride the whole way, used to be able to find a way back to each other, but now can't seem to see the light. Aside from all of the problems, my health is failing (lupus, diabetes, anemia and asthma to name a few) I would like to be able to find work and be on my own (with our 2 children), but am afraid that I couldn't do it! I am still trying to go to finish my degree (for the last 10 years now) and I work part time, as well as keeping the house, laundry, etc.. Being the primary care giver and driving the children to their activities. This is as much as I can handle some days.

I used to work full time, on top of doing pretty much everything mentioned above, but my health was not poor then. My husband is a contractor, who likes snowmobiling, hanging out with his buddies and smoking illegal substance. These 3 things have always taken precedence in his life over his family. He has also had 3 major accidents (broken his back, elbow and shoulder), to which I was responsible for washing, feeding and medicating him cause he didn't want nurses tending to him. I have never EVER had this kind of support in return. To put it in a nutshell, he is demanding and can be very vocal if things aren't done HIS WAY! I was very insecure and felt that his displays must be my fault, so I would back down quickly, and try to appease him. He was also very neglectful, hardly ever around and doesn't come to bed half the time either. I am not an unattractive person, and I take care of myself. I have figured that this is due to his own insecurties and have told him how sad it makes me feel. I have sought advise & bought the "toys" to bring "fun" back into the relationship. I have sought counselling on how to deal with his verbal abuse. I have tried to learn to cook/clean... etc... in the way that would appease him. AND, on SEVERAL occasions asked him to attend counseling with me. He doesn't believe in it and WON'T. (There is nothing wrong with him, and he is who he is and NOBODY'S going to change him). So I have grown some and realize this is not the person I fell in love with anymore and that I can't continue to try and make this marriage work on my own.

Now I feel that the years of unhappiness have left me bitter and have probably contributed to my health problems. I need to make some changes, but don't know what to do anymore. I had sought some legal advise that told me NOT to go to a women's shelter, as I risk the chance of losing EVERYTHING with legal aid lawyers that are "cutting their teeth on my file"... yet the "experienced" lawyers want big retainers for money that I don't have. My husband CONTROLS EVERYTHING!! So I feel that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't... I am afraid to leave the relationship, because raising 2 children without the financial help almost seems impossible, yet staying and being unhappy and neglected is pure torture too. I don't know where to turn anymore! :confused: :(

You need a trustworthy counselor/advisor, and a trustworthy lawyer. Do you reside in a rural or urban area? Look through the Yellow Pages for a family counselor, if you don't have one; the subject to discuss is how to separate and survive emotionally and financially. On the legal side, you can probably file for a legal separation and ask for the home, car, custody of the kids, child support and alimony; part of the alimony claim is payment of your attorney fees. Go to your local courthouse and speak with a judge's secretary or calendar clerk; find out when the judge will hear cases on temporary support and custody, as opposed to permanent hearings. Sit where you can hear the attorneys and the witnesses. Do this several times and I expect you will see a lawyer that you would like to discuss your case with. You have been through enough, in my view; but you must understand that there are no guarantees about the outcome.

I feel for your situation, but it seems like years of appeasing him has done you no good. Start doing what appeases you, and let him wash his own a$$. Put yourself above his needs, and let him fend for himself, he is a big boy, and your not his maid or housekeeper. After 16 years, I assume your kids are old enough to have chores, so take some time for yourself, as you really have neglected yourself, and allowed your own needs to be left up to someone else's whims. That has to change, as you are responsible for your own happines, so get about it. If you have had counseling, then I am sure that was what you were told to do, put yourself higher on the food chain, am I right?