Hi.. I've been married now for 25 years. Our marriage has had a lot of up and downs over the years as any marriage has, but sometimes I think it's a LOT more than most marriages. I have 2 daughters. One is over 21 and not living at home and the other is a teenager. My wife has trouble building relationship with anyone including her children. It's got the point where my oldest daughter has a strained relationship with her and now it's starting with the youngest. She doesn't treat either of them with respect, not me. It has got to the point where my oldest was seeing a therapist, I've been to one over the past many years and now my wife suggest to my youngest that maybe she should see one. My wife had a terrible relationship with her own parents over the years and I know some of that is has a influence with how she interacts with her own children. My wife did see a therapist in the past but refuses to see one now. I'm at my wits end of what to do.. It's 2 weeks before Christmas and she just packed her packs and said she was wanted around the house.. and she did this in front of my daughter. She has played these games for so many years that even my daughter is not phased by her leaving. I know that recently she has been to the doctors and is not even started going through menopause.. I'm looking for some help.. I'm back making appointment for myself to see a therapist yet again. I found out the other day that she went through my work email and had to notify someone in the company that she sent email from my work account. Can you say embarrassing? We have been together for over 25 years and hate to throw it away, but this seems like a never ending cycle... I'm confused.. exhausted.. lonely... I have tried to sit down with her to have a conversation about this and it turns into an argument.. :(

Does she work or have outside interests, is she violent? When times are good could you describe the way you interact? Does she have regular friends? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to clear the picture some.

Does she work or have outside interests, is she violent? When times are good could you decribe the way you interact? Does she have regular friends? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to clear the picture some.


Yes.. she does work and I always backed her in anything she wanted to do and encouraged her to find more things that might be of interest. She is not physical violent, but very verbal abusive. The friends that she does have are needy either financially or emotionaly. Since we moved her friends are co-workers and average in their early 20's.

No problem asking questions.. ask all you want..

Thanks

Just a few more, How do you interact when times are good?
Do you do things together?
How long has this been going on?
Does she drink?
Is she religious, are you?
Do You argue over money and who does the books?
Again sorry for all the questions/

It sounds like she could possibly be miserable with herself and taking it out on others and/or she could be passive aggressive and definite bonding issues (attachment disorder)

selflessness « Midlife Crisis Queen: The Weblog (http://midlifecrisisqueen.com/category/selflessness/)

People with passive/aggressive disorder will act like don't bother I can do it all myself, the whole time they are doing it theirself they complain nobody will help them, but you offer to help and they insist 'No that's okay I'd rather do it myself" and then hold it against you that you didn't help.

The Straight Dope: What is "passive-aggressive?" (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030530.html)


Attachment and Attachment Disorder (http://www.focusas.com/Attachment.html)

Just a few more, How do you interact when times are good?
Do you do things together?
How long has this been going on?
Does she drink?
Is she religous, are you?
Do You argue over money and who does the books?
Again sorry for all the questions/

This has been going on for most of the marriage. When we first were together it wasn't as bad but as the years go on it's been getting worse. Times are good when we're doing what she wants. The interaction is more like walking on eggshells. I hope that answered some for the first question.

We do a lot together (dine out, shop, walk, etc.. ) We took up tennis but when we played she would get frustrated and act like a 8 years old.. (Hitting the ball over the fence type of behavior). I tried other sports or activities but she's not interested.( Hiking, bike riding, etc.. ) Unless it was her idea she has no interest.
She has an occansional glass of wine but no more than one or two and its very rare she does that.

As far as religion, we're not very religious but on occasions do make it to church.

She does the books and we rarely argue about money.

Her mother and father had a terrible marriage. It was a loveless marriage. Her father ended up cheating on her mother for the best part of 20 years and was no surprise when they filed for divorce.

It sounds like she could possibly be miserable with herself and taking it out on others and/or she could be passive aggressive and definite bonding issues (attachment disorder)

selflessness « Midlife Crisis Queen: The Weblog (http://midlifecrisisqueen.com/category/selflessness/)

People with passive/aggressive disorder will act like don't bother I can do it all myself, the whole time they are doing it theirself they complain nobody will help them, but you offer to help and they insist 'No that's okay I'd rather do it myself" and then hold it against you that you didn't help.



The Straight Dope: What is "passive-aggressive?" (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030530.html)


Attachment and Attachment Disorder (http://www.focusas.com/Attachment.html)

You nailed this one on the head. I can't do anything right if I tried. The kids are the same way. My daughter came down to visit about week ago. My daughter only tries to make her mother happy, but anything she tries she feels she fails and dissapoints her more. So, there I am to pick up the pieces. Now its starting with my youngest

I do think the counseling is a good idea for you and your daughter. Not because I think you are in the wrong or anything, but it might help you be able to deal with and better understand her.

That might help with finding ways to make the interactions more bearable. Since she is unwilling to get any counseling for herself, that makes things more difficult. Since she has suggested that your daughter goes, is there a possibility that she might go along with family counseling to help your daughter... as well as the entire family... that way the focus is not solely on your wife. It's known as systems therapy and is based on the roles and interactions of the entire family system.

I do think the counseling is a good idea for you and your daughter. Not because I think you are in the wrong or anything, but it might help you be able to deal with and better understand her.

That might help with finding ways to make the interactions more bearable. Since she is unwilling to get any counseling for herself, that makes things more difficult. Since she has suggested that your daughter goes, is there a possibility that she might go along with family counseling to help your daughter... as well as the entire family... that way the focus is not solely on your wife. It's known as systems therapy and is based on the roles and interactions of the entire family system.

Thanks.. It might be a good option. My wife and I have been to couple consuling over the years.

I know some people would suggest getting out.. 25 years of marriage is a lot of history there and it truly scares me to think of moving on. I know my wife will drag anyone (including my daughters) through a divorce.

I would have to agree with the others, it sounds as if her problems go way back, and only a professional can really get to the roots of her problem, which is everyone's problem. Thanks for being so candidly frank about this. Its not easy, I know. Nor will it get easier, I hate to say, because if she can't be convinced to seek help, then the process will never get a chance to work. A talk with your physician, if you have one, may lead to ideas, but its up to her. The family sessions may be your best bet. Don't give up though, and I admire how your trying. I admire a guy who is in it for better or worse. Good luck and keep us posted.

I know some people would suggest getting out.. 25 years of marriage is a lot of history there and it truly scares me to think of moving on. I know my wife will drag anyone (including my daughters) thru a divorce.
My own situation is a somewhat less extreme version of yours, so I understand something of what you're dealing with.

Your wife's development into a responsible adult has been arrested and distorted, resulting in attitudes and habits of thought and action that are childish and irresponsible. Why this happened, how to apportion the responsibility for it, and how to repair the damage it has caused are her concerns. There is nothing you can do to force her to attend to them and grow out of her limitations. She seems pretty determined to avoid doing this, so at some point you have to accept her choice and make some clear-eyed decisions for the future health and continued growth of yourself and your daughters. When the time is ripe for this, and what specific changes are required, no one but you (and your daughters) can tell. I like the family system counseling idea. Just don't delay past the point of ripeness because of guilt or fear. You really aren't doing her a favor to prolong and enable her avoidance of the need to face her demons. I sincerely wish you well in the difficult work you face. Do what you can to save your daughters, no matter what your wife decides.

I really feel for you. You sound like you love your wife but your relationship seems like most of it has been one sided. Marriage is a partnership and it seems you've had that sparingly. Children suffer the most when their parents are together when they should really be apart. Why don't you take your older daughter out just the two of you and ask her how she feels about everything let her know that it's just between the two of you so she can be completely honest you might be surprised at what she says. And let me just tell you my father in-law found a new love at 83yrs old after 56 years of marriage so don't think that if you can't get through this you'll be alone, there's always hope. Good Luck.