My name is Mae and I am attempting to figure out who I am. My whole life I have not remembered much of my childhood. I may get a flash if I look at a photo but that is it. My childhood was not pleasant, a lot of physical and mental abuse. I love my mother with all my heart but she refuses to talk about the past. Now that my stepfather has past she wants to forget, we have never been able to talk about or acknowlege what happened. I attended therapy off and on for years, no help. I am not sure who I am most of the time. I have changed to a better person but I want to know who I am and what my past holds. If therapy did not help, what can I do next that does not cost a fortune.

Mae:confused:

Did you have any friends or others from your past that you can ask anything that might help?
Usually when a person can't remember their past it is because it was so abusive that their mind blocks it out to protect them. Although I never recommend hypnosis sometimes that is the only way some people can remember their past.
Sometimes it is really better to leave your past in the past and move on.

Maybe if you tell your mom that if she can't help you you are considering going to a hypnotist and she might feel that it would be better she tell you. Or if you go to one session and find out a little and tell her then she might be more willing to tell you. If she sees you are determined she might feel that her telling you she can present it in a less overwhelming way than finding out somewhere else.

I have been patient my whole life and respected the fact my family does not want to upset my mother by discussing the issue with me. I now feel I need to seek other outside sources. As I said I have seen a handful of therapists that want me to answer my own questions, they are just there to guide me. How can I answer what I do not know. I feel it was years of wasted money. I am possibly thinking of hypnosis as a choice but would like to know a little more about it. I can not tell my closest friends or family because they feel I need to let the past be the past or the other half who feels my childhood was fine and they do not understand what the big deal is.

Mae

You may be opening a can of worms you wish you hadn't. Make sure you find one that specializes in repressed memories because they would know how to deal with it if it gets too intense for you and so forth.

My childhood was not pleasant, alot of physical and mental abuse. ... we have never been able to talk about or acknowlege what happened.

A lot of abuse is blocked out due to the painful emotions associated with it. Are you wanting to remember what led to that abuse, or other things about your past? Is it an acknowlegement that the past did happen from your mother about the life she put you through?

What type of memories are you experiencing the blockage with? Maybe those memories are not present because you had no access to the information at the time when things happened.

Another possibility is that the stress in your life may have caused the long term memory not to be "implanted" into your memory banks with the chemical trails etc that are a normal part of memory formation.

Under such conditions, it would not be uncommon to sort of go through the motions of life without forming those memories... because things would be so stressful and chaotic producing a totally different set of chemicals inside you as a coping mechanism... If it seemed like you floated around with your head in a cloud... it may have been a chemical type cloud produced internally...

Hope that makes some sense. What is your age now? What are three of your earliest memories that you recall personnaly experiencing in your childhood??

Some people are good at remembering the past, some people aren't. I don't remember my childhood very well, though it was fairly pleasant. Perhaps you are one of those people not good at remembering the past. That may be made worse by the fact that you had unpleasant past. In many ways I'm grateful for my poor memory. I was a total jerk (not the word I'd use but I'm being polite) when I was a teenager. That's not the person I am now.

Hypnosis as a way to remember the past? I thought that was totally debunked years ago.

And exploring ones childhood as therapy, isn't that Freudian?

My name is Mae and I am attempting to figure out who I am. My whole life I have not remembered much of my childhood. I may get a flash if I look at a photo but that is it. My childhood was not pleasant, alot of physical and mental abuse. I love my mother with all my heart but she refuses to talk about the past. Now that my stepfather has past she wants to forget, we have never been able to talk about or acknowlege what happened. I attended therapy off and on for years, no help. I am not sure who I am most of the time. I have changed to a better person but I want to know who I am and what my past holds. If therapy did not help, what can I do next that does not cost a fortune.

Mae:confused:


Darling I just wish I had this problem. If your childhood was unpleasant why would you really want to remember it? I wish I didn't remember mine. I guess if it is something that you really want to know it would make you feel better to get that off your chest. Even if you are under hypnosis when it happens. ;)

I hope things get better for you sweetheart. You've got my support.

Lots of great responses. I want to remember my little brothers, my pets, my cousins. Swimming at the swimming hole, first crushes, etc. It's like my life began at 15 or 16 years of age. I am reserved and on guard all the time. My stepfather was a monster but my mom was not. I want to remember her from my childhood. She has put that part of her life behind her since he died, I need answers.

Mae

Maybe by talking with her and assuring her that you are only wanting the good memories and tell the things you just mentioned then she may open up some? At the same time, perhaps those are painful things for her. Do you have access to find any of those relatives you mentioned who might share those memories with you? You mentioned the swimming hole... have you tried to make a visit back there to see what memories are triggered? The experience won't change the past, but might bring back some memories.

The swimming hole was in Tennessee, I live in VA. The older relatives that said they would share when mother passed on have now died themselves. I would not dream of asking mom again for she gets soooo angry with me. I want to keep the happy times going as her health is failing these last few years.

Thanks again for your advise everyone!

It is understandable that you want to fill in the gaps to remember your youth and childhood. I think that is necessary for you to do that, and it will be painful but ultimately healthy. You seem to be very bright but also aware of your mother's inability to face the past. It is difficult when you play a role of protecting your mother, but yet you need to feel protected by her as well. IT is probably because she feels guilty and going back and remembering is something she isn't capable of dealing with. THAT doesn't mean you shouldn't find ways to remember and explore what happened to you, good or bad. I too do not remember a lot of things from my childhood but there wasn't anything very tragic that caused that. I guess for whatever reason, my mind doesn't go there... I hope that you continue to to search and understand your past, because it will give you a sense of peace and awareness about why you are the way you are. NOT in a bad way, but in a way that allows you to grow and flourish as a young woman. We all have things that we know are painful to feel, but not dealing with it, doesn't make it go away. IT just hides it somewhere else deep wtithin. I think in some ways your mother wasn't there for you, because she was busy with her life and her marriage and she didn't pay attention to what was happening to you. That is a hurtful thing to endure, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She is just limited in how she can be there for you. In order for you to process that and understand it, you must go back and try to become aware of how that specifically affected you. IF she gets mad every time you bring something up, that must be frustrating and counterproductive, but you can't change who she is or how she responds.
I hope you continue on your search of who you were, what happened and how it affected you, so that you can close those chapters and move on to a more peaceful and fulfilling part of your life. I do think a hypnotist might be helpful, as will someone dealing with repressed memories.. All in all, now that your stepfather is dead, it may be that your mother is still dealing with losing him, that she cannot focus on what he did to you or how she didn't protect you from him.
I hope you find what your looking for. I can tell you are a resilient person and one with much compassion for those that you love and for those that hurt you. THAT is a gift and I hope you see how valuable you are.

Good luck and never give up on learning about yourself and who you are...