Okay help me understand something, please. I have come to realize that one way to get what you want from a man is to withhold sex until he agrees of course I have been told I was wrong by people who just don't want their girlfriends to find out about this new trick. Okay but what are other ways I can get what I want? What do men want besides no sex for 2 years? I'm wanting to know because I see other women who get what they want when I don't. Im a good person and I'm a person that takes care of her man and children and myself? Do I have to be mean and act like a total you know what or what? Please help me because I'm really confused. Thank you.

If you think holding back sex to get what you want is an acceptable course of action then you will reap what you sow.

But hear other women say that is how they get what they want. If that's not true then what is what I really have to do?

How about a healthy relationship where both people communnicate? I'm assuming that the woman picked her mate for the correct reasons i.e. not for social status, money, etc. but because they are a match and are in love with each other. Witholding sex can only have negative consequenses. Honestly, what is it that you are not getting that you need to withhold sex? And what if the man did that to you?

My sister tried that and her man went looking somewhere else, and found it, all she got was what she did not want a big fat divorce. You get what you want by communicating, that the only way, no games honesty and hopefully you will get what you want or if not you can both try to meet in the middle some where. Sneakiness and tricks are not the way. Married 17 years and neither he or I always get what we want, but there is a lot of meetings in the middle, as my daughter say “you are not other people you are Shasta”

I'm jealous of these people that have such perfect relationships. Ive tried being the good little girlfriend, I've been honest, I have yet to ever be unfaithfull to a man, I've listened and I am going to wait till I'm married to ever have sex again. I know men don't like if you just give it up. But it seems like these women have such great guys that care about them and I have only ever met one man who cared if anything he did hurt me and I can't find him. So there must be some sort of secret you other women are holding out on me. Is it some sort of voodoo magic ritual you do everyday or what?

Somewhere out there, is a good man for you. Just because you want it now doesn't mean you'll get it.Be patient,from what I've read of you in these posts I know you know what to do while you wait for him.As far as with holding sex to get what you want,real bad idea.Sex is the easiest thing for us men to get,forget it(unless your happy with 20 bucks.) :o :) Love respect, honor,caring, being behind your man 100%,best friends,emotional,mental,physical support,the list goes on and on.Don't worry though, I know a female of your caliber :) will attract many men for you to choose from. You just have to be patient and be ready. You don't have to settle. :cool: ;) You'll get the one you want! :cool:

but hear other women say that is how they get what they want. If thats not true then what is what i really have to do?

This can be dangerous as men have tendency to look elsewhere for sex, which leads often to break up and divorce. So, I don't recommend this strategy.

Since you asked, here's my opinion. Men are selfish and egotistic than women IMO. We want a virtuous woman who turns into a porn star at night. We want a woman who will bring 50% of income and still cook & take care of our children. We want woman dumb enough to let us get away with fooling around. We want a smart woman who will balance our check book. We want younger woman as we get older. In our old age, we want our woman to take care of us. I think you should be getting the picture, no?

:o

Well I don't like for a man to baby me too much, but every once in a while I like to be pampered. So do you think I can get away with having an extra man? :D one I would sleep with, care for, be the best woman and give all my love to. The other man wouldn't get to sleep with me, he would be like my personal maid who gives me manicures and all that. I'm just saying cause if the woman's got to take care of her man then I'm going to need some assistance to prepare myself. :D

I can't help you with getting what you want out of a relationship, but about the withholding sex part: I dated a virgin (she was 27 I was 28) for two years. I didn't guilt her, manipulate her, force her, or make her feel uncomfortable in any way, but I used to fantasize about cheating on her and ultimately broke up with her because of the complete lack a sexual dimension to our relationship.

She wanted to wait till marriage (she's not religious), and while I didn't say anything to her, I personally thought that it was a terrible idea. I am an incredibly sexual person, and sex would be a rather large part in any permanent relationship (read: marriage) I engage in. That said I want to make damn sure the sexual aspect of our relationship is robust, healthy, and pleasurable before she walks down that aisle. My greatest fear in my previous relationship would be to get married, have sex, and then be horrified as she says, "So that's what it's like." and then proceed to mentally check it off her things to do list, and never have it again. As unlikely as that sounds, I'm convinced this girl's decision to abstain stemmed from her complete lack of a sex-drive (trust me, I was with her for two years - I know).

As one of my female friends so eloquently put it: you don't buy a car without kicking the tires first.

What men ( and for all matters everyone should want)

is a mutual friendship in their relationship. In that each party is understanding and loving of each other. The old "no sex" may be a control but of what real value, it normally just drives men who are only wanting sex to merely find sex elsewhere.

And really one party should not be controlling the other.
Of course dating couples don't need to be having sex ( esp unprotected sex) to start with A real relationship is based on so much more than that.

Just image if that is what a relationship is based on and one party would be injured where sex would not ever be an option. Where would that relationship be?

One in love with another does things because of that love,

Well I'm definitely not a virgin being that I have two children from a former marriage. I do hope to one day be married to the right man next time. Im always told that if you sleep with a man right off in the relationship he will never respect you and he is not likely to want to marry you. I know I have no problems in the bedroom area because I have been told so. I feel more comfortable waiting because I don't want to ruin my chances just because I slept with someone before I married him. And you think women are confusing. Darned if I do and darned if I don't. Maybe I won't have to worry about getting married again till I turn 98. I figure that If I want the few simple little things that I want from a man I just have to make sure I find a man who loves me enough to do those things in the first place cause from what I gather from seeing couples out and about lately is that a man is more willing to give a woman what she wants and needs if he truly loves her. Does that sound right to you?

Your absolutely correct,a real man will lasso the moon for the woman he loves and as you've seen in these threads we fall pretty hard too.Experience is a hell of a teacher,so its hard not to be bitter when your heart is broken,but we must bounce back and live life or it goes on without us.In reading these threads I also find it curious how many people fall in love with the totally wrong person.What is even more amazing is that after being dogged to death they still want that person back,go fiqure.If you have the patients to wait for the right person they will appear.but when you just settle for anything that comes along just because your lonely that's when all the problems start.So while your waiting for Mr Right work on yourself and enjoy life,so you'll be ready when he shows up!:cool: :D

I agree with your last statement, that a man is more willing to be willing to be giving if he really loves the woman. But why would any woman want to be with a man who didn't really love her? I sure wouldn't. And of course it works both ways.

I'm in a committed relationship right now, and my partner and I are very happy. For the most part, I think we both get what we want out of the relationship. What I really like about him is that he supports me as a friend (he IS my best friend after all!), we talk, we have a good sex life, and he is not lazy around the house, haha. He also likes kids. That's really important to me. I had sex with him a week after I met him. (!! ) Normally I would wait quite a bit longer but I REALLY liked him, haha. I think part of it is meeting the right person, having chemistry, and of course being friends. I wouldn't withhold sex from him on purpose to spite him or get what I want either. Somehow that seems mean or manipulative. That doesn't mean he just gets to do whatever he wants all the time, but if I have a problem I try to talk it out with him rather than withholding something.

I'm not sure if this is generally true or not, but with all the guys I've dated, I've noticed that the kind and considerate ones, the ones who really valued me, were the ones who had fathers who valued their wives / were respectful to women. Whereas the a**holes husbands seemed to have fathers who were a**holes too. Obviously not every guy is going to be like his father but from my experience there seems to be a definite pattern.

I don't know... there's no easy answers. Here's hoping you meet a great guy soon though! It's definitely worth the wait.

Hi,
No one under 18 answer this? I guess I'm qualified, cause that was 45 yrs. Ago!
If you are a "good girl", then you aren't one into playing games. You are a respectful, honest, caring, and "be yourself" person; looking for the same in a man, hopefully.
If two people really care for each other, and want to have sex, mutually, then go for it. But, having or not having sex, using it to "get what you want", will come back to haunt you... what goes around, comes around.
Many people, teens and older, play games every day with each other. But, is it really a good and happy relationship? Usually no, because games will eventually catch up with you and your partner. Best of luck, and hang in there.

Nothing ever good comes out of withholding sex in order to get what "you want". Sex is an important part of a relationship or marrige and taking that away only can cause a significant rip in a relationship, assuming your relationship isn't abusive in anyway. Like someone who already posted, your man will probably go elsewhere to get it if your not giving it,that is human nature. Depending on what "it" is that your trying to get if its something pretty significant and very important to you it may work. But if its something petty, he may just say forget it and get it elsewhere. You need to communicate with him. If its very imprtant to you and you both love each other than it should be important to him and he should at least try and give you what you need. And try not to resort to playing games with each other. Things like that can poison an otherwise good relationship.

Okay help me understand something, please. I have come to realize that one way to get what you want from a man is to withhold sex untill he agrees of course i have been told i was wrong by people who just dnt want their girlfriends to find out about this new trick. okay but what are other ways i can get what i want? what do men want besides no sex for 2 years? im wanting to know because i see other women who get what they want when i dnt. Im a good person and im a person that takes care of her man and children and myself? Do I have to be mean and act like a total you know what or what? Please help me because im really confused. thank you.

Crankie - I have been where you are - and it's about meeting the right man. Communication, compromise is what makes a relationship work. I found Pete after dating so many arseholes and having been with a guy for two years. We have a fantastic relationship because we still do all the things we did before we got together. Sometimes we even do them together. Pete comes with me when I am DJing on occasions and I go with him to poker nights. We still have a day or two where we do our own thing which allows us to make time for our own friends and occasionally his friends will combine with my friends on nights out, so neither one of us lose out.

A good relationship works if you are able to remain yourself throughout. Obviously there are some changes which we have to adapt to - but when you click with someone - if you can remain yourself, continue with your hobbies, and they contine with their and at time you become part of eachothers hobbies then it works. It makes the nights you spend together alone all the more special. Communication about your thoughts and feelings with each other is another key issue. Always talk to your partner about things before you talk to anyone else.

Understanding your man is very important, your man also needs to understand you to a certain degree - so if you are able to communiate about things no matter how stupid then you know you are on the right track.

Pete and I talk about stuff all the time. He is such a great support to me. I had a little upset with my family the other day. I was in tears and he was there to hug me etc. He doesn't understand and he said "you need to help me out here because I don't understand how you feel (even though I had explained) and I just want you to be happy" - I replied "You don't need to understand Pete - you have no idea how much your doing for me just by listening and comforting me with a hug" "All you need to know is that no matter what gets me down - you always make me happy"

It's little thing like that. He now knows any problem I get - he does not have to understand how I feel or understand what's going on in my head - he just needs to be there for me. He does not feel so helpless anymore.

He also said "one of your greatest problems is bottling things up you shouldn't and don't have to be brave about things all the time - just talk to me, if you need to be upset and sad, then be upset and sad for how ever long it takes"

He hit the nail right on the head and now I know he is comfortable with me being upset (should I need to be) and is there to listen and help me through it.

I don't know what else I can say really - that's the key's to making a relationship work - but to get there you just need to use your judgment, experience and instint. When you click with someone you know deep down if they are genuine or not.

It's not about holding back sex, or doing certain things to get your way - its about compromise so both of your needs are met and you remain yourself (if that makes any sense).

Crankie- My response is a little late but here goes. Holding back sex to get what you want is a form of manipulation that you don''t want to mess with. That sort of manipulation tends to weave problems that you can't even begin to imagine. Your man will eventually resent you for it and if you thought it was hard to get what you wanted before...

I have 5 brothers and they're all pretty different. What I've learned from them is that men who've fallen in love, typically want to go all out for their women. My brother Tony will swim through shark infested waters to bring his wife a lemonade, my brother Louie will do the same but will advertise what he did to anyone who will listen. Pete will not bring her a lemonade because he thinks it's not good enough, so he'll bring her a glass of champagne. Mark on the other hand will bring her lemonade in the biggest glass he can find so he doesn't have to go back for more and Sam will bring her a lemonade served on a Louis Vuitton Silver Platter because he always wants his woman to have the best. What they all have in common is that they all want to take care of their women. They're dragon slayers. Rocks, providers. Sometimes though, we can't see past the tough side in our men and we forget that they have some emotional needs too. Sometimes months will go by without a word of recognition for the stuff they do do for us. They are all also pretty simple men. Usually, if they're not horny, give them a sandwich, a little conversation and they're happy campers.

Your man should want to please you Crankie, assuming you are also treating him right and you're not trying to make him your best girlfriend. Don't ask him to do your nails or to sit through a chick flick every night. It's not going to happen, but the basic stuff should be no problem. If he's not willing to do simple stuff, then it's not you, it's the men you're picking.

I'm 42 years old. I'm female and have been married for 25 years. I have 2 kids. We have survived an affair. (I did the cheating)
Over time, what you want and what he wants all evens out. Sometimes you'll find that you contribute more, sometimes he will. Sometimes you'll get more of what you want, sometimes he will.
I think, in a marriage, one has to look at things from the standpoint of 'forever.'
When you realize that in time you will get what you want, you won't feel as if you need to manipulate things so much.

As to the question 'What do men want' I have one simple answer. The same thing women want. A stable, loving relationship. Easier said than done. We are not the same person at 40 that we where at 20, it's the same with relationships, it must grow and change. But one thing must remain constant and that is you must think in terms of 'we' and not ' I'. When you deny sex or affection or whatever you are acting alone which forces the other person to act alone. Than you are no longer a couple, just two individuals and finally strangers.

Why withhold sex when not only are you torturing your man, but yourself too... Why not just ask for whatever it is you want? Maybe there can be a compromise and you do something for him too. (No ultimatums though - that's worse than withholding sex) How angry would you be if the tables were turned?

I'll start by saying this ; if you try to withhold sex from a guy until he caves in to what you want from him, he'll just see you as controlling and manipulative and he'll end up getting it from someone else. From a man's perspective that's not a very wise tactic and will almost always backfire sooner or later. If you know any women who are trying it you may want to warn them now before it's too late. Actually that's one thing men really hate ; a woman who is controlling and manipulative, who thinks that the world revolves around her and that it's her way or the highway. I've dealt with women like that in the past and I've seen some get downright nasty and abusive if you dare disagree with them on something or don't think exactly like them on every issue. What a man really wants most of all is to know that he's respected and loved, despite his "imperfections" (which are often only a matter of subjective perception anyhow) and that he can be who he is without fear of having love or affection withheld from him. Do NOT regard it as a lack of love if he does not respond to every situation the way you think he ought to. That's a problem that my wife and I often experience in that she tends to take it personally if I respond to a situation in a manner differently than she feels I should, even though there's no reason in the world for her to do so. Any woman who can overcome this emotional trap that seems to be particular to females more so than to men really has something going for her. Now of course if there are fundamental flaws in his character (if he's a drug dealer or abusive to you, for example), then it's up to you to steer clear of him and stay far away from him. Don't set yourself up by getting involved with someone who clearly has nothing but trouble to offer.

well i dont like for a man to baby me too much, but every once in a while i like to be pampered. so do you think i can get away with having an extra man? :D one i would sleep with, care for, be the best woman and give all my love to. the other man wouldnt get to sleep with me, he would be like my personal maid who gives me manicures and all that. im just saying cause if the womans got to take care of her man then im going to need some assistance to prepare my self. :D

That won't work for long as this other man who is like your personal maid is going to want something from you in return sooner or later.

After reading everyone else's posts, I have to add my piece about communication. For some reason, a lot of people, men and women alike, are either afraid to flat-out ask for what they want or somehow feel hurt, offended or unloved if they feel that they have to ask for what they want, as though their significant other should just know and provide it automatically. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Most men I know, myself included, can't read minds and it simply isn't fair to impose such an inordinate expectation on another person, that they'll just automatically know what you want and need and provide it out of the blue. Actually such thinking is the height of arrogance and is part of what I alluded to in my first response about people who think that the world revolves around them and the only thing that's important at any given time is what they're doing and what's happening in their lives and everyone should cater to them and their needs and nothing else matters. Granted I don't normally reply three different times to the same post but this is something that I feel very strongly about.

After reading everyone else's posts, I have to add my piece about communication. For some reason, a lot of people, men and women alike, are either afraid to flat-out ask for what they want or somehow feel hurt, offended or unloved if they feel that they have to ask for what they want, as though their significant other should just know and provide it automatically. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Most men I know, myself included, can't read minds and it simply isn't fair to impose such an inordinate expectation on another person, that they'll just automatically know what you want and need and provide it out of the blue. Actually such thinking is the height of arrogance and is part of what I alluded to in my first response about people who think that the world revolves around them and the only thing that's important at any given time is what they're doing and what's happening in their lives and everyone should cater to them and their needs and nothing else matters. Granted I don't normally reply three different times to the same post but this is something that I feel very strongly about.

I agree - no one is a mind reader and unless you are actually able to step up and be open with your partner then there is no way they are going to know what you want and no way you are going to know what they want.

Pete stepped up and told me he wants me to talk to him about anything. He justs wants me to be honest & open with him. I told him that I had already been honest & open and I would continue to do so. But he did not know that which is why he asked. Communication is the key to any successful relationship. He and I talk all the time, but it does not stop me worrying about telling him things like "I want to go travelling" it is fear and I will tell him, but it's all about how & when? Over the weekend he told me that he has always wanted to move to the coast and build a life away from Wiltshire. I have always wanted to build a life outside of Wiltshire (as I have lived there my whole life and want something a bit more. He said it to me in a past tense - but I piucked up from that, it was something he still very much wanted to do. So I looked at him and said - well if it's something you want to do, then do it. I want you to be happy and if that makes you happy, then why not still do it? I am not sure if he realises I would go anywhere with him (obviosly I need to get some travelling done at some stage before I am 25yrs old (thats my plan) - but I really would go anywhere with him, and I think he knows that deep down, but needs to hear it from me - so I will tell him so, when the time is right.