Some months ago, I met someone online. We hit it off and realized that we had a lot in common and decided to meet in person. We had a great time, sparks flew and spent the entire weekend together and made plans to meet again. In between meetings, our conversation was quite provocative and sexual, peppered with all the things he wanted to 'do to me' when we met again. However, upon the next meeting he behaved strangely, was rude and distant, didn't seem to want to be alone with me and was aggressive when any sexual advances were made. It frightened me a little and I decided that I wanted to call it off. However, he 'opened up' and told me that he has some commitment issues and that he wanted it to work. After being lonely for so long and being still attracted to him, I forgave him.

We continued our relationship and we had several more meetings, the latest being a disaster. He never complimented me, said I was attractive, kissed me, initiated sex only once, and would not finish sex with me, but would finish himself with internet pornography. He would never perform orally on me either. He would refer to me as a 'good person' but never anything about being aggressive attractive. He would get out of bed to find me to ask me to return because he 'felt lonely' without me there. He would constantly chance his mind about activities. He even went so far as to claim he was moving to my town for work, yet when asked about the job process, he would change the subject or say he needed to get off the phone. Our last meeting was disastrous as he met some friends and made very sexually inappropriate comments about one inappropriate and talked incessantly about her the entire weekend. When confronted, he became very defensive. He seemed happy to take advantage of any kindness I had to offer yet was unwilling to reciprocate.

I was aware of the immense issues surrounding the relationship from the start. He being a racial minority, an only child of divorce who had severe self image issues and was a weight control fanatic. I knew that I was not 'physically attractive' enough for him as if I looked good on his arm, that ultimately made him look good. I knew that he had social issues and had fewer friends than I did and he voiced these and even made comments like 'did you ever sit at home on the weekends alone, wondering if you were a loser because your friends didn't call'. I was more than sensitive to his issues, but the final straw was our last meeting when he was contemptuous and denied sex or even kissing. When I decided I had had enough and broke it off, he deflected entirely and called me mentally and emotionally unstable and my 'level-headedness laughable' and also used a lot of comments regarding female intuition and typical womanly behavior.

I am pleased to say that I am smart enough to have ended the relationship, but I am curious as to what his deal is. I know its fear of intimacy and all that but I wonder why it is that he was with me if he was clearly not attracted to me. Any insight or opinions would be great, thanks.

He sounds scary. Just stay away from him.

He was trolling and caught you. He is now rid of you and is probably trolling again.

Oh I think he was attracted to you, but he has some serious, serious issues. If it were just one of those problems, we might be having the "well talk to him about this" moments... but he is the Real Deal, man... Mr Creepy.

At best, he has serious issues and difficulties socially interacting, no sense of appropriate boundaries, and he yo-yo's between self confidence and self destruction.

At worst, as was said, he could be a master manipulator who likes toying with women mentally while getting physical pleasure until he decides to self destruct it. Though I think he's more head case than not. Hard to believe if it was all about the sex that he wouldve denied you completely that last time...

Ungh.

Sorry you had to go through this. Soooooooo glad you have clue and won't put up with it.

Don't lose too much sleep. You cannot explain irrational behavior with rational thought all the way.

And another thought...

I think the internet connection is just a different beast. For example, I'm no social pariah by any means, but I think I tend to "speak" better when I write sometimes. My humor comes out cleaner, faster even, and I engage more angles of a discussion. Now ill do some of the same in a room full of people, but I do think my internet connections have a different tone and character. My wife would agree that my emails and other typed messages bring out a diffent tone in my discussions.

So maybe he's just better at that, and bad at the face to face stuff. There's just a lot more going on in person.

The only person I almost dated but didn't from an online connection was over a dozen years ago. I was in college and this was when you didn't even hear about online dating services and Facebook wasn't around. Id started talking to a girl I met on some message board and we kind of hit it off, all though emails. They were fun, a little sexually tense sometimes, mostly funny and interesting. Then I drove to meet her.

It just wasn't the same. She was really nervous, seemed closed up, and just couldn't seem to hold the conversation when she couldn't think about the email, rewrite it, and send after further review. Needless to say, that "relationship" was over before it started. Wrote her a few more times but it just fizzled out.

Maybe he's just an internet based kind of guy. And definitely the kind you need to not be around. Ick and ick.

Well, an update on the situation is as follows. I foolishly asked to try again. I was lonely and vulnerable. I regretted hitting send as soon as wrote the damned thing. Regardless, he replied a day later with a very cool, 'sure, you got got it, just relax and take it easy'. For god's sake. I knew that I needed to not reply and I have yet to do so (that was Sunday, this is Thursday). Yesterday I discovered that he deleted me from his Facebook! That action is as juvenile as my typing it is, I know! But still. Then, later last night I received two phone calls from him -- no messages. Also, still a contact on his IM.

Now I know that I must stay away and I have and I will and that he is irrational, but come on. I really am feeling vulnerable like I have been used and I am somewhat lonely even though he never gave me any real happiness...

I don't care how lonely you are, why in the world would you be begging this creep? That is what you're doing, you're begging.
Let this be a lesson to you. Leave him alone.

Did you learn nothing from him? He is a troll, and stop using lonely and vulnerable, as an excuse to do dumb things, and be used and abused. That's your fault, not the trolls. Be careful on the net, and don't just fall for anything, as you see there is a lot of whack jobs out there.

You get the respect you demand. Rarely more. Often less.

Its no longer about him. You are the one making bad decisions now. Not trying to kick you when you're down, but cmon. Ick.

You feel alone. OK.

You are a bit sad. OK.

This guy is going to do nothing except make you angry with yourself... again, and again. But at this point you get to choose and you cannot blame him anymore. You've given him no real reason to change his behavior... you threatened to back off, then invited him back in.

But you know that.

Best thing you can do is get a little mad at yourself and then stop it. Your head isn't mean to fit up your arse, hon. Unless he's just your kind of weird you need to let him go after his next unfortunate soul.

I've been lonely. I've been depressed. I've made dumb relationship decisions. I've been impatient. I've been there.

You need to have the patience to wait for something better, and the discipline to demand more for yourself. Suck it up and fight through it. You'll be glad you did.

I don't think it has anything to do with intimacy problems, he's just plain scary. You did good to get out of that relationship.
When you meet people on the net they can pretend to be what type of person they want. The ones who talk dirty to you over the net are usually the ones to avoid, internet dating is very hit and miss, but saying that my best friend met a girl on the net. She moved to live with him and they're now married. If u internet date again be more careful xx

I realize that you get the respect you demand. And that is why I struggled with this situation. I have not contacted him. I have made a VERY LONG and detailed list as to why this situation is red flagged from here to eternity. I have confided in my close friends and my family and now, this site. I am a highly educated and intelligent human being -- however, I hate rejection and that's why I need my thoughts validated. I know he is a terrible critter and I knew from the get-go. I know he won't change. I know his problems are insurmountable. I know he is one scary mo-fo. I know he is a master manipulator and I know he is a boundary pusher. I also know that I am a person who knows where she stands with everyone in her life EXCEPT this fool.

I have not and am never speaking to him again because yes, he is sketchy and makes me feel insecure. I came on this site looking for insight as to why his character may be this way. As for me? Well, I know that I should not speak to him and get rid of him and I have. But let's be honest here people -- being rejected hurts. No matter what, it hurts. I am a zillion times better than he is but I still feel rejected by him EVEN THOUGH I broke it off. And it sucks. That's my point. I'm hurt, but I am not an idiot. :)

But let's be honest here people -- being rejected hurts. No matter what, it hurts. I am a zillion times better than he is but I still feel rejected by him EVEN THOUGH I broke it off. And it sucks. That's my point. I'm hurt, but I am not an idiot
Ya got that right, and I bet you've learned something about the net to boot. If you did that's a good thing.