Entire story merged

Hey all,

I'm new to this open forum thing so bear with me

I am 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. I starting talking to and dating this girl near the beginning of October. She is 19 as well, but a freshman. We get along really well, we have the same sense of humor.. etc things were going well, or so she thought until about 4 days ago, when I came to her with some issues that I had been wanting to talk to her about. I calmly explained some things that she didn't do that most people do while in a relationship. I don't really want to go in depth on most of them, but a few of them were things such as her putting everything before me, whether it be sorority, her girlfriends, anything basically... now I understand priorities, but I kept getting the feeling that I wasn't important enough to her.. so I confronted her about these things and a few other things that were on my mind. I couldn't go on in the relationship if I continued to keep these things bottled up inside, but I didn't know what it would accomplish by telling them to her, so I figured there was nothing to lose by telling her. Basically, she cried a bit, and all she could say in response to anything I said was " i dont know" or "your completely right". This all happened Friday night at a date party.

So, I talked to her more Saturday afternoon, basically reiterating all the stuff from the night before because she was a little drunk. She said she really liked me, she wants to be with me, and she cared for me repeatedly throughout the conversation. All I would say in response to it was, then SHOW IT! Of course it was more in depth than just this, but you get the idea.. I thought we were fine, and so I told her to just call me later. She called me about 20 minutes later and asked if she could come over. Basically she came over, to say she need SPACE to figure out why she couldn't treat me right, and figure out what wrong with her and why she won't commit to me.. I expressed my distaste towards the idea, but told her I cared enough about her to let her have all the space she needs.

We didn't talk the rest of Saturday or most of Sunday, but then she texted me to Sunday night to make small talk.. she then ended the conversation by saying she was thinking about me, she missed me, and she wanted to see me tomorrow, Monday. I said okay, that's fine and that I missed her too. She came over and basically acted like nothing was really wrong, I asked her twice if she wanted to talk or even say anything that was on her mind, and she refused.. I asked her if we were okay, and she nodded. It was kind of weird, but I was just happy I was with her.. we chilled for a few hours, watched a movie, and messed joked around with each other. As awkward as I thought it was that she was acting as if nothing had happened, I was too happy to care. She left to go study and called me later that night around 2am. I was a little high(no I'm not a pothead, I was just stressed), but coherent and asked her about it again.. she said basically she wants to START OVER and see where things go.. I really have no idea what she meant by this, but I assumed it was a good thing, because it was better than breaking up..

So basically, I don't know what to do now.. I still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good idea, but I really don't know...

I know this story is a bit confusing, but if you can follow at all, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!

Thanks
Ryan

Hey buddy,

I don't know exactly what issues you brought up but your situation reeks like the one I had. I brought up things I shouldn't have too early in the relationship (like you, I need them OUT right away or it eats at me). Like your girl, mine felt like we needed to re-assess things. We went on for a bit after and never brought it up again, but it was the beginning of the end, that night ruined it.

I'm not saying what happened to me will happen to you but its like she will hold it against you in the future. Kind of like she will project that is how you will act in the future and so better end it now. I can understand no feeling important, my girl was not very affectionate either,but its almost as if they figure you are and will always want something they are not comfortable with giving you, at least yet! Finally, not talking about it is not to say she isn't thinking about it. Again, we went on a couple more weeks "not talking" about it and then BOOM! So I think you must see warning signs as to whether this actually does bother her.

Sometimes its better to callit off early over these types of things rather than golonger, cause it will hurt more, I think they realize that. Best of luck man.

hey all,

im new to this open forum thing so bear with me

i am 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. i starting talking to and dating this girl near the beginning of october. she is 19 as well, but a freshman. we get along really well, we have the same sense of humor..etc things were going well, or so she thought until about 4 days ago, when i came to her with some issues that i had been wanting to talk to her about. i calmly explained some things that she didnt do that most people do while in a relationship. i dont really want to go in depth on most of them, but a few of them were things such as her putting everything before me, whether it be sorority, her girlfriends, anything basically...now i understand priorities, but i kept getting the feeling that i wasnt important enough to her..so i confronted her about these things and a few other things that were on my mind. i couldnt go on in the relationship if i continued to keep these things bottled up inside, but i didnt know what it would accomplish by telling them to her, so i figured there was nothing to lose by telling her. basically, she cried a bit, and all she could say in response to anything i said was " i dont know" or "your completely right". this all happened friday night at a date party.

so, i talked to her more saturday afternoon, basically reiterating all the stuff from the night before because she was a little drunk. she said she really liked me, she wants to be with me, and she cared for me repeatedly throughout the conversation. all i would say in response to it was, then SHOW IT! of course it was more in depth than just this, but you get the idea..i thought we were fine, and so i told her to just call me later. she called me about 20 minutes later and asked if she could come over. basically she came over, to say she need SPACE to figure out why she couldnt treat me right, and figure out what wrong with her and why she wont commit to me..i expressed my distaste towards the idea, but told her i cared enough about her to let her have all the space she needs.

we didnt talk the rest of saturday or most of sunday, but then she texted me to sunday night to make small talk..she then ended the conversation by saying she was thinking about me, she missed me, and she wanted to see me tomorrow, monday. i said okay, thats fine and that i missed her too. she came over and basically acted like nothing was really wrong, i asked her twice if she wanted to talk or even say anything that was on her mind, and she refused..i asked her if we were okay, and she nodded. it was kinda weird, but i was just happy i was with her..we chilled for a few hours, watched a movie, and messed joked around with each other. as awkward as i thought it was that she was acting as if nothing had happened, i was too happy to care. she left to go study and called me later that night around 2am. i was a little high(no im not a pothead, i was just stressed), but coherent and asked her about it again..she said basically she wants to START OVER and see where things go..i really have no idea what she meant by this, but i assumed it was a good thing, because it was better than breaking up..

so basically, i dont know what to do now..i still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good idea, but i really dont know....

i know this story is a bit confusing, but if you can follow at all, i would GREATLY appreciate it!!!

thanks
Ryan
She out everything before me, she would find the dumbest reasons not to see me, I would always initiate times we would see each other, she never invited me over to spend the night, I would always have to indirectly invite myself... things like that.

i still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good ideaYou're probably right about this. It sounds like you want more than she's prepared to give. You need to keep your power in this and decide to end it if the relationship is not meeting your needs.

Have you considered she has a slower pace than yours, and not at the point you want her to be?? It is barely been 3 months, so your still basically just getting to know each other. Either slow down and be patient, or move on to someone closer to your speed.

I know what you mean, tala. I told her repeaetedly I'm not looking for something too serious too fast, but I looking for someone who will care for me and have me be as important to them as they are to me. I'm her BF I'm not her good friend, that she occasionally can hookup with and call me baby... relationships are more than that. I just want to have fun with her, but if she puts everything she can possibley can in front of me, that makes me feel like , that's why I came to her to talk in the first place.. shes terrible at communication, the fundamental thing in a relationship, so its kind of hard to know what she's feeling or thinking

LONG, BUT PLEASE READ!!

I am 19 and have been seeing this girl for 2 months... she is amazing, beautiful, smart, the whole nine yards.. we really got along.. as happy as she may have thought we were, there were a few things building up over the few months.. fundamental relationship things that she didn't do.

1. she never asked me if I wanted to "hang out", come over, come see her none of that.
2. she didn't have me meet any of her friends she had before we started dating.
3. she put everything before me.. school, sorority, friends, events, anything she could put before me she did. Basically, she didn't make time in her schedule for me. I was basically something to do if she wasn't busy with anything else.
4. she didn't communicate with me; about emotions, thoughts, anything

Basically stuff like that..

So I came to her and confronted her about these things, and she had no response.. the day after we talked, she said she needed space to figure out why she wasn't treating me right. I said, because I care for you, take all the space you need.

It wasn't even 24 hours before she texted me saying she missed me and wanted to see me. She came over and we hung out for a few hours, as if nothing were wrong.. when she called me later, I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything that was on her mind. All she said was that she wanted to START OVER. I'm not really sure what this means, but I'm willing to give her a shot. Hell, its better than breaking up.. right now, I'm making her chase me, and see what she lost. Everyone I talked to this about said I should dump her immediately. So, I'm not calling her or texting her, but I'm not ignoring her. Do you think this will work? WHAT SHOULD I DO FROM HERE ON OUT?

On a side note: do you think I moved to fast? I told her I would go at any pace she wanted to, if she just showed me a little bit that I was important to her or that she cared about me and actually was dating me for a reason.

Thanks for all your help in advance

Hey. Well I think you are doing good at playing cool. I don't know why but for some unfortunate reason some people get distant when you always make yourself available. Just be yourself, be nice and when she calls you... don't always be the last person off the phone. Don't always find a reason to get off... but if she wants off the phone.. or something and you don't really want too -- just don't show it hurts you. However, if she's not going to be responsive to your feelings... I would move on and leave before you get more attached. It's not fair for anyone to be treated that way.. .
Just don't make yourself her puppet.
I personally think that they guy should pursue the girl... but I guess this is a special circumstance.

Anyway, I feel like there is more I should tell you... I am so tired right now... lol. Umm so pretty much just don't be at her beck and call... I would give it another month... or if until you can't take it. If things don't change move on. You don't want to play games your whole life. Besides, I can tell you are a little anxious. Seriously, don't loose any sleep over it. God has a plan for your life and he knows your heart. :) Everything will be okay, promise.

Need more replies!! I know its late, so sorry!

Anyone else??

Wasn't the problem created because she didn't show you enough affection? Just because she wants to start over does not mean anything has changed. If you want to continue with her than that's your call, I think you'll find out soon enough if she is being more affectionate towards you.

I woudn't play this delay card, it not representing what is actually going on and that has a way of coming back round in a negative way.

I say if you like her give her a shot and see how it goes, If nothing has changed than you have your answer.

Hope it helps.

Sounds like after only 2 months you want more from her than she is willing to give. Slow down and stop with the selfish expectations, and get to know her better. Did you expect starting a new thread, basically asking the same question would get you different answers?

Maybe not different, but perhaps a few more! Thanks!

Instead of asking her to be more attentive to you, have you asked her how she felt about the relationship overall? Has she said anything like "we're moving too fast" or "you're demanding too much from me"? I'm not saying that you may be imposing too much on her, but there's the possibility that she may perceive it as being just that. And when that happens, it may either be because of some underlying issue on her side or yours.

It seems to me that she's a bit confused about her relationship with you, if she's asking for space, and then coming back to see you so quickly. She's definitely making an effort to fix things since she's honest enough to report about her progress (i.e. telling you she needs space and that you guys should start over). For that, she definitely gets me kudos.

Despite her efforts, I wonder about her methods. It's somewhat flimsy and it's difficult to predict what direction she's going. I don't know if it's appropriate for you to be the one to guide her since it might destabilise the relationship even more, but from what you're saying, it's as if she has a bit of a selfish streak that she may not be aware of. And it's not to do with her deliberately being selfish, but rather she didn't realise that she hurt someone in the process. Don't tell her "you're being selfish" because she will just dismiss it, but see if you can nudge her to see how her actions/inactions can affect those around her.

It's only been 2 months, so try and slow it down if she thinks you're going too fast. It's good that you're bringing up this issue early but I wouldn't recommend bringing up too many of them all in one go. Judge your pace by her reactions.

You have to be very careful not to overwhelm new partners with too much, because your expectations may be to high for them to meet. At the early stages, its best to just have fun getting to know each other, and developing communications. Its hard if they don't seem to have good communication skills, but you have to be a good listener, and pay closer attention. It may be she hasn't gotten comfortable, that's why the fun should be the focus. Does she have a good time? Do you??

Yea, we both have a great time when we are together... but when we aren't, she sometimes acts like she doesn't want to be around me... also, I have talked to her a few times about seeing her one way or another over christmas break, and she has pretty much politely and indirectly said no.. that dpesnt make me feel very good, but I'm going to take everything with a grain of salt and let her set the pace, because obviously, hers is slower than mine, and I think I can adapt better than she can..

Make sure your life is balanced by other things besides her, as we can put too much into partners and neglect other parts of our life that makes us happy.

Another thing that has worried me a bit is that she was more sexually active than me in high school. She had a serious BF for 3 years in high school. The last 2 or 3 days have been great. We have fooled around a few times, and we have laughed and enjoyed each others company. Yesterday, we hooked up early in the evening, and she wanted to come back over to do it again. We haven't had intercourse yet, because I felt lke building a relationship where sex wasn't the highest priority was a good thing. Well right before she came over, I ate a big dinner, and the myth is that if you have to use the restroom badly, its hard to get an erection. Well, that happened and I asked her if we were going to do anything more than foreplay, and she said if it happened, it happened. This made me even more upset with myself, because she was finally ready to take that step and I couldn't perform.. she said it wasn't a big deal at all, and that it was more of a sign that the timing wasn't right. I'm just scared that since I am sexually less experienced than her, she might think I can't fulfull my part of this part of the relationship. Also, whenever we fool around, and we are done, she usually leaves very soon afterward, citing she either has to study, or go to sleep because she was to wake up early. Now the past week and this upcoming week is final exam period, so I'm not questiong her when she has to go. But its just weird. Any insight or comment on this would be great..

Girls, is sex a huge part of the relationship? I kind of feel like I'm getting used, but that may be stretching it. She just usually never sends me msges saying, " i want you sooo bad right now" or "are you ready for round 2?" I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering why the sudden change?

Sorry for taking so long to reply!

I tend to agree with Talaniman and BMI on this one. On the one hand I think it's a bit early in the relationship for such high expectations and on the other hand her wanting to come back to you doesn't mean she has changed. Try to minimise your expectations and keep yourself as busy as she is with other things. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

It's up to you whether you want to give her another chance but I would keep in mind that people are very hard to change. If she wasn't very affectionate before I don't think whe will be affectionate for very long the second time around.

I had a similar problem with my ex and she was telling me that after three months of being apart she has changed bluh, bluh, bluh. After a couple of hours of conversation I realised that she wanted to change but in effect she couldn't cause that's how she is.

I hope I was able to help. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

I have been dating this girl for about 2 months, and she's great. She's beautiful, funny, smart, etc..

Basically, I'm starting to get thhe feeling like I'm trying to hard because I seem to be the only one who is putting forth any effort into the relationship. I know she likes me, she wouldn't be dating me if she didn't. Its not the crazy sex we are having because we haven't had it yet.

One of my friends pretty much summed it up with this example:

To Me: Say you are hanging out with your 5 best friends, having a good time, and she calls you and asks you to go to dinner in an hour; would you?"

To Friend: of course

To Me: now reverse the roles. Would she do the same?

To Her: no, she wouldn't leave her friends to eat dinner if I asked her, but then again, she would never ask me to go to dinner, because she never initiates wanting to see me.

What do I do?

We both go to college, and christmas break started today, so I won't see her for about 4 weeks. A few times, I tried to see if she wanted to get together over the break; I could come see her, she could some see me, anything at all, and of course she indirectly and very politely found a way to say no to any kind of face to face contact over the break. WHY!! If she likes me, she should want to see me right?

As of now, I have decided not to call her, text, her or initiate any kind of contact at all over the break. As hard as this is for me, and its not my nature, I feel it's the only way to get the point across that she can't keep treating me like this.

Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?

Is she even worth it?

I'm sorry to be so blunt... but by the sounds of it it sounds like she just not that into you. I think you should actually see her over your xmas break and have a serious talk with her.

Obviously she is holding back feelings (wether positive or negative) and so are you. The key to a great relationship is honesty and communication. You have to tell her the truth on how she is making you feel (obviously you are hurt by how she is ignoring you) and you need to ask her why she is doing this. If she doesn't respond and just ignors you more after telling her your feelings then I think it should be over. You can't continue in an unhealthy relationship. If she really wants to make things work she will tell you why she is acting like this, and find ways to fix it

I hope that helps, and I wish you good luck :)

Bump...

Hey man,
I thought cutting off communication, is never a good thing to do. But your at a stage in a relationship when you still aren't sure whether she actually even likes you you as much as you do... Let me first say, in my opinion you are not yet in love with her and nor is she with you as it takes a lot of getting to know someone deeply before you can say that type of thing. (That's just the vibe I'm getting as I'm reading your message, especially considering your relationship with her is still in the beginning stages). So since this relationship is so new it shouldn't be too hard to cut off communication during the holidays (yes I understand you probably like her alot)... but during holidays you have plenty of time off to do other things so enjoy!

How old are you? By the way girls can be confusing and not know what they want and often go after things they can't have, they play games and it's only when something happens that makes them wake up and think.

In this case I feel that holding out on communication is not a bad thing. Plus actually, if you read up on many dating and attrating women websites for exmaple: sosuave.com they will say that doing this thing can make women want you even more, it builds up attracting in them for you and displays confidence and independence.

The fact is (in my opinion at least) she doesn't want you as much as you do her. So you have to believe that you are something special she should want, and when you are that confident she may pick up on it and feel stronger emotions for you... or you'll realize that she still doesn't feel the same way as you and then you'll know.

So I would end communication in this case completely, let her call you and keep up communication. Why are you the only one making the relationship "work" (if you are... the relationship isn't actually "working"). In a more serious and complex relationship I would never suggest this but I think this case is one that calls for building her attraction levels for you.

If it doesn't work, and she doesn't seem to have missed you or wanted to talk or spend time with you... then it should be pretty obvious how she feels! At that point I sure wouldn't waste my time pursuing someone that didn't care, nearly as much as I did.

Your just getting started, so have fun during break, and see how things go. After all your still strangers to each other, so what's the hurry?

I think your friend gave you some very valuable insight into the situation and yes, I think your decision not to contact her during the Christmas break is the right one. I wouldn't throw all my beans into this one pot as it doesn't sound like a very big pot if you get my drift. Keep and enforce your own standards ; don't give in to someone else's.

Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?

Is she even worth it?

She ain't digging you, so keep looking. Have some fun.

I'm 19 and she's 19. We have had our great moments, and then we have had our bad. She came out of a very serious 3 years relationship a little less than a year ago, and I mean very serious... first love, lost her virginity, stuff like that serious. I feel like since I'm a sophomore and she's a freshman, I should give her a little time to figure out what she wants, and I think this break is a good time to prove it. Last night was the first night we went without talking, and it felt weird. Usually, she will at least say something like goodnight... sleep sweet or something like that, even if I don't call or text her first. Although, earlier yesterday, I said I would call her, I decided to never follow through with that because of the no contact thing I mentioned earlier. I

It would just suck if she never does end up contacting me and is totaqlly fine about the whole thing. Oh well...

Bump/...

update:::

she called me last night and was wondering what was up and why I hadn't called her the night before or all day that day. I just said I was busy, and nothing was wrong and we talked small talk for like 20 minutes. She texted me earlier today about something random and I texted her back about 2 hours later because my phone was dead earlier. So I called her about 20 minutes ago just to talk, and we talked for like 15 minutes about different random stuff. We were both tired so not really in a mood to talk, so we called it a night.

I just found out that she's possibly going with her friend and her boyfriend to his mountain house with some other guys and girls. If u know my story, I asked her a few different times if she wanted to get together over the break and she said no because she was super busy over the break, but now she's gong with her friend and a few other GUYS to a mountan house for a few days..!

I need to know what to do from here on out... she thinks everything is OKAY, but obviously I don't feel the same. Should I continue not calling/texting her? Should I confront her about the mountain house thng because technically I'm not suppose to know about it..

what do I do??

Just my opinion, but there is not a reason to confront her; tell her to have a nice time and that you have enjoyed being her friend. And, NC; move on.

Why would you confront her! Honestly!? That's probably the worst thing you could do imo. You might as well just tell her she basically owns you and that every time she hangs out with another guy not only are you jealous but sometimes even hurt - especially when she tells you she can't hang out with you but spends time with others.

I think that if every little thing she does bother you then she is obviously holding all the playing cards and I'm pretty sure with everything you've said thus far it's established that you like her more than she likes you. So try and get over her a bit, don't stick her on a pedestal so much... you'll be more confident... girls like confident guys, guys that don't need them, even guys that they can't have. Go hang out with some friends (including girls) and have fun during Christmas break; seriously don't be afraid to spend time with other girls (don't cheat or do anything you'd regret though)... but you should still be allowed to have fun.

Also... talking on the phone for 20 minutes? And then you call her the next night and talk for another 15 minutes. You already told her you were busy the day, you could have been too busy to talk today as well (or at least cut your conversation a little shorter) the more you see and talk to her less, if she does like you then the more she'll miss you.

Btw everything should be okay. Play it that way, if you can't handle what she's done (sounds like nothing wrong) then break it off (which I don't think you want - nor does it seems logical), but at this stage in the relationship don't act like a wimp and give her all the power, girls like a real man! So communication in relationships is good but too much can also make someone sick of the other. (Already happened to me once).

I also wouldn't talk so long on the phone. You said you wouldn't call her... how long did you last? And the only reason you didn't talk more than 15 minutes is because you were both tired? Are we trying to help you for nothing.

Here are some things you can say to you don't have to call her everyday, or talk so long on the phone.
I suggest not worrying about calling her, tell her your busy (like you did).
"You said you were busy and I didn't want or feel need to bother you".
"I didn't know we had to talk every day... plus I was tired and not in a talking mood."
"Why don't you call me if you want to talk more"
"I was out with/at: a bunch of friends - a party, some guys and girls I know, etc."

How do you know her trip has not been planned in advance? Would you please back off and enjoy your own holiday, and let her enjoy hers'. This is to early in this reationship to be the angry hurt jealous, needy boyfriend.

Believe me I know... ur right though, I'm just not goint to call her, text her... if you remember back to my other threads, I came to her like 4 weeks back basically saying, after analyzing and reanalyzing all the things I said, that I wanted to be super serious, which was not the intention but it came off that way... I feel like I have screwed things up past recovery because I wanted the "perfect" relationship and was a little mpatient. I realze that now, I just hope ts not too late. This break is a good chance for her to go do her own thing, and realize that I'm not going to stick around forever if she continues to not be able to make time for me..

But as you said, I'm just going to enjoy my break, and not initiate contact with her. Hopefully thisll wake her up a bit, but at the same time I don't want to lose her.

That's perfect and we understand that you don't want to lose her. In a relationship the goal initially shouldn't be to break up, but realistically it should be if she is not meant for you.

In life an important goal I think everyone should always try to live by, is to do what is best for themselves. Yes one can be nice and generous, but worrying about our situation primarily is important because even though we can't control outside forces and things that happen, individuals can control their their actions and emotions in spite of what happened (even though it's hard).

So you're on the right track. Enjoy yourself! Later.

Bump...

God the days are pretty long, because most of my friends are still finishing up exams... I just don't know if me not calling her is the best way to go..

Over thanksgiving, we called and texted multiple times a day, with textxs like " i miss you" and "only 3 more days til i see you baby!" stuff like that...

This just feels too weird not saying any of this stuff, even though since we had some of our serious talks, the relationship has been kind of off..

I feel like if I iniate some normalcy back up, we will remain together, but at the same time, not mold my schedule around her...

Should I start calling her again? Or at least a text saying I miss her... im really bored and I want to talk to her. Is this a good idea? Not long talks or anything, but I miss just talking to her so much, its hard to not think about her..

If we break up for any reason, I don't want to see her with another guy or I think I will just lose it.

Tell me what to do...

If I continue the way I am, it'll just be weird atmosphere whenever we do talk. She's not just going to come runnning to me if I don't call her.

I'm very lost...

im 19 and shes 19. we have had our great moments, and then we have had our bad. she came out of a very serious 3 years relationship a little less than a year ago, and i mean very serious...first love, lost her virginity, stuff like that serious. i feel like since im a sophomore and shes a freshman, i should give her a little time to figure out what she wants, and i think this break is a good time to prove it. ...

Are you the first guy after this last relationship? My take is that she may not be over this last guy. In that case you will never win because she is not right or ready and may be using you as a crutch while she heals. It takes time to heal after a breakup.

You really need to pull way back and cool things off a little. Let her chase you. Hang out once a week only. If she doesn't start pursuing then you really never had her.

I realize it sucks, but I have seen it before, you get all hung up, treat her really well, and then all of a sudden she is hanging with someone else and you are totally bummed and can't figure it out. But that's when she finally got over the old boyfriend and a spark started.

Unfortunately, you don't want to be next in line after a breakup, unless they spent time alone and are truly done with the past.

Good luck.

Backing off doesn't mean not letting her know you care, but one is enough, not 20 a day.

She's had a few flings since then, but she has told me face to face she will always love him, but she's way over him and not IN LOVE with him. She said she still cares about him, which I guess is understandable because he was the first guy she shared herself with, sexually and mentally... tala, do you think I should send a small text message saying I'm thinking about you, but not call her and make small talk?

aiyerrc

First, do not listen to what a woman says look at her actions. If she says "she will always love him, but shes way over him and not IN LOVE with him", then she is. Her words say no, but the fact that she brought him up says different.

i have been dating this girl for about 2 months, and shes great. shes beautiful, funny, smart, etc..

basically, im starting to get thhe feeling like im trying to hard bc i seem to be the only one who is putting forth any effort into the relationship. i know she likes me, she wouldnt be dating me if she didnt. its not the crazy sex we are having because we havent had it yet.

one of my friends pretty much summed it up with this example:

To Me: Say you are hanging out with your 5 best friends, having a good time, and she calls you and asks you to go to dinner in an hour; would you?"

To Friend: of course

To Me: now reverse the roles. would she do the same?

To Her: no, she wouldnt leave her friends to eat dinner if i asked her, but then again, she would never ask me to go to dinner, because she never initiates wanting to see me.

what do i do?

we both go to college, and christmas break started today, so i wont see her for about 4 weeks. a few times, i tried to see if she wanted to get together over the break; i could come see her, she could some see me, anything at all, and of course she indirectly and very politely found a way to say no to any kind of face to face contact over the break. WHY!?!? if she likes me, she should want to see me right?

as of now, i have decided not to call her, text, her or initiate any kind of contact at all over the break. as hard as this is for me, and its not my nature, i feel its the only way to get the point across that she can't keep treating me like this.

Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?

is she even worth it?
Hey, if this chick is not putting effort in, she obviously takes you for granted, if she likes you she will eventually make some effort to see you if she likes you, when you be distant like you have decided to do. But her deal, if she likes you, would be she doesn't know what she's got, but she might realize its hard to find guys who aren't pricks, and actually see you're a great guy and very hard to find guys who love you so much. But you shouldn't waste your time on a lost cause.. she might just be using you.

Do you think I should send a small text message saying I'm thinking about you,

Yes and don get carried away, just a friendly gesture.

but not call her and make small talk?
No.

do you think i should send a small text message saying im thinking about you,

That wouldn't be too bad.
But I'd even stear away from showing your desperate emotions towards her.

So instead you could text:
Hey,
What's up?
Having a good day?
So I met this hot babe today. Lol. What's up? (Use just to get some sort of reaction out of her, you can say you are joking in the next text message, if you feel like it).

Even just messaging her to comment on something like: "I hate doing _____".
But you need to stop being her little puppy!
So that means enough of the: OMG I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH! PLEASE COME SEE ME SOON CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN LAST A DAY WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU!


but not call her and make small talk?
No definitely not!

Btw you are continually bumping this thread. You want us to make all the decisions for you... all of us we might as well be dating her ourselves.

I'm not saying it to be rude but are sooo many things you have to learn for yourself.

And you just won't understand until you experience why, yourself.

For example: we have told you what to do and you are having such a hard time doing it, it's just not talking to her for a couple weeks. Sure you can chat with her via text message and email every few days but get over the obsession she's human too you know.

So what I'm saying is in my opinion you're having such a hard time cause you're either somewhat new at this dating thing or just naïve. So for you to be less worried about not chatting so much the next relationship your in you are going to have to learn for experience why you shouldn't be such a clingy puppy.

I think it's a good idea to try to act normal, so texting her here and there is good but you need to stop trying to do everything right cause the more relationships you're in the more you'll learn and as I said, some of this stuff you'll learn from experience better than we can tell you.

P.S. The chances you're going to marry her are slim, not only because most people date many others before they find the right one and also because of the situation you described to us between you and her (she doesn't seem as interested, and get got out of a long term relationship, brings up loving her ex, you could be the rebound etc etc). - I'm not saying this to be a jerk I'm doing it so you are more confident and less worried about every thing you do.

Good luck

In another thread someone was talking about her relationship being an obsession or addiction. I believe we have to distinguish "obsession/addiction" from "love". If the interactions with this lady cause confusion and heartache, no amount of texting is ever going to make you feel better. This is not easy; one must be able to separate what is good in the relationship from what is not so good, the cause of confusion and pain. Those things that cause pain and confusion must be foremost in your mind, and you must be willing to say, "No, I am not going to let this happen to me again." At that point, it is not her doing something to you; it is you allowing things to harm you. It is like playing with matches or crossing a busy street; you must take care of your emotional side, as well as your physical side. It is not easy to do, but No Contact will do it; it is the only and surest cure. It is sort of like quitting smoking: you can cut down all you want, but at some point you must say, "That was the last one." And you must believe in the cure; you will get over her and live to love another angel, another day, without confusion and pain.

Okay, first off, too all the regulars that have responded to my other threads, thank you so much for all your time and input. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but I need to know this..

Today I texted the girl I'm seeing to see if she was feeling better because she has strept throat..

Me: so are you feeling any better today?

Her: well I felt like crap earlier, but now I'm feeling better

Me: good... well I just want you to know I'm thinking about you!

Her: what are you doing tonight?




... I said I was thinking about her and she asked me what I was doing tonight. Usually, she will just say it back. I seriously contemplaed breaking up with her right then and there because if you can't say that even in reply to someone saying it to you, you must really not care.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/like-gf-more-than-she-likes-me-162828.html

There's a little back story for you new guys

This is what I'm thinking about doing

1. break up with her, make her realize what's up. I only want to break up with her, so she will come back to me though. As some of you already know, this whole ordeal has been eating at me since break started 5 days ago. I just feel like this could easily backfire, and she won't call me again because this is actually what she wanted all along. But if so, why hasn't she done it yet? Even if it doesn't work, at least I was the one to end it, which will be psychologically better for me in the end.

2. tell her we need to take a break from talking to each other for a while to figure out what we want, but not break up.. its not like we are seeing each other anyway, because its xmas break and we live 6 hours away from each other. All the times I tried bringing up over the break, she shot down.

3. just don't call, text her, anything unless she in initiates it. By me ignoring her though, is that intended to to weird her out a bit, and make her think about it a bit. I want to give the impression like nothing is wrong, but by ignoring her for a certain amount of time, what would she think?

Of course, I really want to be with her one way or another by the time school starts up on the 8th..

What do you think I should do?

I want to say sorry to tala, george, cianci, and phil because this is similar to my other threads, just basically a different perspective. Any more insight you have would be great though. You know how it goes on this forum, you can say it as many times as you want to a guy like me, I just don't want to accept the answer.

Again what should I do

None of the above. The only thing that's changed since your other post is your insecurity and impatients. You got your call to her, and now time to do what you do where your at. Making a big deal because she didn't reasure your ego, doesn't make sense to me, and to keep trying doesn't either. Better to call or text every 3-4 days and let it go, and be fun and interesting, not nosey needy and insecure, very unatractive when your trying to show your interest, and that you care. Be patient as dealing face-face with your concerns is the best way to go.

Yea, I decided after talking to phil that I'm doing this. Thanks again tala, you've been huge and now I'm actually going to listen to you!!

yea, i decided after talking to phil that im doing this. thanks again tala, youve been huge and now im actually going to listen to you!!!!
LOL, If I had a dime for every time I heard that. :p

I just want to add one thing. You said this was done over text. There is so much communication lost over text and email. Whenever my boyfriend and I ever fought it was because of some dumb misunderstading over text and email. Seriously, maybe she asked you what you were doing tonight because she wanted you to come over? I don't know. Just a thought and it just goes to show how many different spins you can put on one sentence. Just make sure whatever you choose to do... do it face to face. Email and texts can totally ruin relationships in that regards. And also in the regards that you are always linked to someone when there should be alone time. Ya know? It's too easy to reach out and touch someone.

I think that this is childish because you are putting yourself in a bad position you could end getting her back but you may also be making that she doesn't trust you because she could think anytime the road gets rough you will walk away and or try to play these games with her so I think that if there is a problem you should just tell her be honest and she what her response you aren't going to make anything any better by just walking away from the situation to make her wake up it doesn't work like that

We are 6 hours away, so when she asked me what she was doing tonight, I don't think it was so we could get together. Its xmas break... did you guys read the link? There have been other things. I'm not just going to break up with her because she didn't say she's thinking about me back one time. But I'm just not going to call her.

Your doubts and insecuritites are leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually you guys will break-up. Be careful.

And if you believe the things you're thinking, you should break-up. It seems like she's more balanced with the relationship than you are. Ie. Your linked thread. You drop anything to go out of your way for her. She would not.

After just 2 months, neither of you should drop anything at a moment's notice. You're not there yet. Especially at college age. That does matter.

--Cali

Yea, I just want to be back at school, so I can show her this. Until then, the only thing I can do is not call her, maybe not even a text but every 3 or 4 days..

Cali is right you sure expect a lot from a stranger, after 2 months, I would think your still learning each other.

I've been dating this girl for about 2 months and superficially, she's perfect; gorgeus, smart, funny, quirky..

A major problem though is that she can't communicate her feeling with me. We had serious talks about 3 weeks ago about where our relationship was going and all she could say was "i dont know" or "i like you, and i want to be with you", but that's all she could say. We she took one day of space and then called me and said lets "start over" and I said, what the hell, its better than breaking up, because I do really like her. The next two weeks were fine

To this point though, I feel like I'm making all the effort in the relationship.. we haven't had sex yet, I couldn't perform twice because I was a bit scared because it would be my first time.. while she was a bit upset at the time, she SAID it was no big deal, and the timing just wasn't right. I know its early in the relationship, and right now, I think shed still rather hang out with her friends more than me. Whatever no big deal.

Well its xmas break, and we live 6 hours away from each other. I have decided not to contact her, text her, or ask to come see her, because I brought it up several times to meet up over the break, and she basically said no each time.. maybe by me not calling her, it'll make her realize what she's going to lose.

What should I do? Do you think thisll work?

Anyone who has responded to my other posts, don't even bother reading... lol sorry

Don't let your strong feelings for her cloud your good judgment. If you think you can see that she isn't interested, don't put yourself out there any more than you have to. Don't become a doormat either though. It's good that you decided to not contact her. If she is interested, this might spark her interest and now she will start taking the initiative in some elements of the relationship. If she doesn't however, this could be your final sign that she really isn't interested. I know this might not be what you WANT to hear, but this could act as a final closure on any confusion you have. It should also be a sign that you should get your head back in the dating game (if you think you're ready) and try to meet some new ladies. No one said you had to jump into a new relationship... but dating is a great way to take your mind off the past, meet new people, and possibly open up some doors into new relationships. In the end though, this is just advice. You should read this, take it into consideration, but be sure to make your own decision based on how YOU feel. Hope this helps!

Hey guys, so my girlfriend called me today just to talk. We talked about this and that, the usual. She then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off. At first, I was like, umm this isn't cool. She even said, "hah, you think im still in love with him!" and I said "hah, no, but you have said to me you will always "love" him and he was an important part of your life for 3 years.

Then I said, picture this. My ex-gf of 3 years, my first love, and I were going out to lunch, what would you think? She said I trust you enough, so it wouldn't be a big deal. I told her, its not that I don't trust you, but you have said you loved him before!

I'm not sure what to do in this situation.. on one hand, obviously this is a little ridiculous. Your ex-bf of 3 years calls and wants to hang out with you over the break, and he asks you to lunch, and you say yes. I have a right to care, and say I dissaprove, but this will come off as me being jealous.

On the other hand, he was a big part of her life, and she repeatedly said she's over him, its been over a year, and I would never do anything with him again. All I can do is trust her, right? Should I express my dissaproval for her doing this? We aren't at that point in our relationship, especially if you have read some of my other threads, for me to say you can't go eat lunch with him.

Its just a bit weird because they haven't spoken in a long time.

Anyway, how should I approach this?

She's done nothing to break my trust up to this point

No contact over the break is probably a good idea. Let her resume the relationship once school starts again. Find someone else. She may not be the one for you at the moment. It sounds like you would like to get serious with someone. She wants to play. So, maybe the two of you will get together later, after a couple of years.

It's only been two months I think you are rushing things. Also as the others said perhaps she can't communicate her feelings because, well, she doesn't have any to communicate.
Take it slow if at all.

Until she gives you reason to break your trust don't fight her on it otherwise it could push her away or it could make her feel she can't be open and honest and cause her to sneak. If she meets him for lunch sometime and establishes an on going relationship then concern yourself. Right now as it stands they could meet for lunch and then realize why they broke up and go their separate ways. Then you worried for basically nothing.

Not only do you worry too much, you make everything such a big deal. The ex didn't show so case closed. She told you about it so, drop it.
I have also read your other post and why you don't want those familiar with your situation to post is beyond me. I'm hurt. Or are you so tired of hearing us try to get you to see, your standing in your own way?

You should break-up with her dude. It seems like that's what you really want. My most recent ex and I broke up but we stayed in touch. I never closed the door because we had a good relationship, but she moved back to her college town after summer and no LDR. But I asked her to visit or that I would visit but she always ignored those things.

She was always concerned on how it would be or that it would never be the same. I always told her, how do you know if you don't actually know? Why destroy something good by being afraid of bad things that haven't happened or may not happen. All this fell on deaf ears, so I finally stopped contacting her.

She recently contacted me. She sent me some weird email asking about my love life and so on. I simply told her how she had made me feel about ignoring visiting or always thinking negative. Basically, I did not close the door on her, but I told her she knows where I live and she has my number. She knows how to find me if she wants.

Essentially, her crazy thoughts, her desire to push me away, worked. She lost me. I stopped trying. She fulfilled her on prophecy. Perhaps that's what she wanted.

You keep being crazy, you'll eventually piss this girl off and all your unsubstantiated fears will come true.

--Cali

If she was really in love with you, she would have told the ex that she didn't feel comfortable about getting together for lunch.

She should realize that the past is the past, let it go. I know many people will disagree but I frankly think that it is disrespectful.

Also, she brought it up after the fact, "she then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off". If she respected you, she would have said, "hey honey, Joe blow called last week and he wanted to get together for lunch, do you have a problem with this?" This is only common respect and communication within the relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but she's hiding something. My take is that she was pissed he didn't show up and vented to you.

My experience with girls like this were a nightmare.

I haven't read your other threads so I don't know what your relationship is like, and it all depends on where you are in your relationship.
Either way, if you're in a good relationship, you should be able to communicate with each other.
It's normal to be jealous, anyone would be. If you are obviously upset about it, and she asks, just tell her that you're only a bit jealous, cause she's your girlfriend. But that's it. Tell her you trust her completely, it's just a bit of natural jealousy.
Then let it go.
If something happens, then it would have happened later on during the relationship anyway. In this case, it would be a good riddance, and a great opportunity to find someone better!
But if she has been completely honest with you up to this point, then you have no reason to worry! Worrying about it VS not worrying about it, is not going to change the situation.
So might as well not worry!

If she was really in love with you, she would have told the ex that she didn't feel comfortable about getting together for lunch.

She should realize that the past is the past, let it go. I know many people will disagree but I frankly think that it is disrespectful.

Also, she brought it up after the fact, "she then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off". If she respected you, she would have said, "hey honey, Joe blow called last week and he wanted to get together for lunch, do you have a problem with this?" This is only common respect and communication within the relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but shes hiding something. My take is that she was pissed he didn't show up and vented to you.

My experience with girls like this were a nightmare.

Love is no where in the picture right now, just trying to figure each other out. I'm sure she really likes me, and my problem about anything I do is that I over worry about everything. I know it sucks, but some people are just wired that way and it takes life experiences to worry less. Obviously, I'm still young, so I over analyze everything, and I make something out of nothing. I'm just rdy for break to be over! I never thought I would want to start school this bad lol

I can understand how you feel. It think it important to always have a perspective of healthy thinking behind your decisions, and a balanced life, that you enjoy along with a great relationship. We can't get all wrapped up in a partner and have to ask a lot of questions, and always have them around us out of insecurity and fear. Who wants a relationship where you have to be worried about their every move or action? Those are not your partners problems, and its so hard to not destroy a relationship, when we are in need of dealing with our own personal problems.

love is no where in the picture right now, just trying to figure each other out. im sure she really likes me, and my problem about anything i do is that i over worry about everything. i know it sucks, but some people are just wired that way and it takes life experiences to worry less. obviously, im still young, so i over analyze everything, and i make something out of nothing. im just rdy for break to be over!! i never thought i woudl want to start school this bad lol

Well, that changes everything. If you are just friends looking to move forward with her, then the proper response when she is testing your interest level and brings lunch with the ex up would be "That's cool, maybe you can get together next week for lunch with him", and then move on to another subject as if it's not a big deal.

Since you say you "aren't at that point in your relationship" then, as you've said, you really can't object to her having lunch with him. But it does put up a huge red flag as to how much further you want to go in this "relationship." Maybe you should cool off for a while and take a break from her. If she confronts you about it, you can then discuss your feelings and concerns with her, since she'll have been the one to open the door.

Hey guys

For any of you who know my other threads, its been since Thursday that me and my girlfriend talked on the phone, I sent her a few text's here and there, but nothing major. She hasn't made an attempt to call me yet...

Keep up no contact?(dont initiate contact) this just feels too weird...

Huh?? Now I'm confused.

hey guys

for any of you who know my other threads, its been since thursday that me and my gf talked on the phone, i sent her a few text's here and there, but nothing major. she hasnt made an attempt to call me yet...

keep up no contact?(dont initiate contact) this just feels too weird...
Seems she is doing no contact and your not. Hey if your not doing this for yourself to heal, what's the point?? Get busy finding something else to do that's fun. This is a holiday weekend.

Its not really to heal... we are still bf/gf, but its xmas break and we are 6 hours away. I feel weird not calling her.. should I stop texts now altogether too? Because, tala, I remember you saying its okay to send her a text here or there asking what she's doing.. etc

I never said to blow up her cell, You sent the text, now wait for an answer, by doing something for yourself in the meantime. Don't be pushy.

No no, she answered me completely normal both times I texted her... I texted her once yesterday and once today... is that so bad? What do I do for xmas? Not call her or anything?

You can call her and beg her to take you back if you want, if you believe it is not over and still want to chase her , go for it, there is no right or wrong in trying to get them back.

If you know its over or if you are tired and want to start over, then you want to stop all contact, you will not be ready to start over till you do

If you are confused and have an ache in your stomach, it is because you are getting dumped. Look elsewhere.

Why don't you just play it cool. Call her on Christmas and wish her a merry christmas. Keep it light and simple. Suggest something for when you get back to school so you have something else setup to talk about. Like "hey Merry xmas, I was checking out this movie and it had pretty good reviews, I was thinking when we get back to school we can go and check it out."

I am so confused, if she answers your text, does she have to call on the phone too?? Explain to me what's going on here, and what your trying to accomplish. I would think a text aday is enough.

Sorry, I don't mean to butt in here, but it seems as though you are really lonely without her, and that's okay. But it IS the holidays, and she MAY want to spend time with her family.

Is there a reason that you need day-to-day contact with her? Are you so uncomfortable in your relationship that you must talk to her daily? (Yes, I read the thread about her and her ex and lunch)

You see, women like me see men like that as needy. We don't want men who are needy. We want men who can stand on their own two feet and do what they need to do without approval from us.

A strong woman does not want, nor need, a weak man. Keep your distance, it's Christmas. She will appreciate you more when she gets back. There will be more to talk about. Give her space and don't smother her.

I'm just saying its been a long time since we have talked on the phone. If I don't call her, she usually calls me. We talk at least once a day when we were at school... no tala, she doesn't have to call me too, but it would be nice, you know?
\
I'm trying to accomplish getting her interest lvl raised back up, because I fear it may be diminishing. She called me twice over the break because I didn't call her that day and that was great. But since Thursday, she hasn't initiated any contact between us, which is 2 days longer than we have ever gone wihtout phone contact.

God I hate xmas break...


Sorry, I don't mean to butt in here, but it seems as though you are really lonely without her, and that's okay. But it IS the holidays, and she MAY want to spend time with her family.

Is there a reason that you need day-to-day contact with her? Are you so uncomfortable in your relationship that you must talk to her daily? (Yes, I read the thread about her and her ex and lunch)

You see, women like me see men like that as needy. We don't want men who are needy. We want men who can stand on their own two feet and do what they need to do without approval from us.

A strong woman does not want, nor need, a weak man. Keep your distance, it's Christmas. She will appreciate you more when she gets back. There will be more to talk about. Give her space and don't smother her.

Yea I totally get what your saying but the day to day contact was a norm until about 4 days ago. I'm just wondering what has changed since then you know?

Should I just stop texting altogether now tooo? Just a merry xmas?

Maybe you will understand this: total silence

yea i totally get what ur saying but the day to day contact was a norm until about 4 days ago. im just wondering what has changed since then ya know?

Christmas has changed everything. She may be busy with family, visiting relatives, etc...

Give the gal a break... if you want to text her merry christmas, then do so, but don't expect a response, and don't be hurt if you don't get one.

Give the gal a little breathing room over the holidays. Seems you are very needy and she is not. You could be turning her off if you keep it up.

You do not have a life without her do you?

You know, I remember the day when there was not texting, no internet, and long distance was expensive as hell... Those were the days that relationships WORKED.

Couples need some space from time to time. I have been with my husband for over 15 years and we still appreciate a little time alone, with friends or family.

Hah, its really not that... I may be bored as hell being home over xmas break, and that's why I'm asking so much and seeming so desperate... also, I don't have a lot of experience in relationships, so I'm trying to do everything right, which is impossible I know, but its hard not to try...

All I really want right now is by January 10th, we are still together, and I have other things that can take away my focus from her.

Like I've said before, I overworry about things and I make something out of nothing. I don't want to come to her yet, or at all with my insecurites, so I come here with them

Christmas has changed everything. She may be busy with family, visiting relatives, etc...

I agree with J-9, with the holiday here she could just be really busy and not really have had the chance to call or talk to you. Try not to get yourself worked up and upset over it. I'm willing to bet that she's just swamped with so many other things right now. Don't let it dampen the holidays for you... Don't worry until you know for a fact that you have something to worry about.

Well, yes; she could have three other boyfriends texting her the at the same time. And Ol St. Nick is on his way, too.

Your putting too much focus on her, and not nearly enough on you.

I am so confused, if she answers your text, does she have to call on the phone too????????????? Explain to me whats going on here, and what your trying to accomplish. I would think a text aday is enough.

I guess I know what's going on. She is a nice person, who respects the text sender, no matter who he is. But she is already annoyed from his wussy behaviour, to a point where every word he says, seems like a bomb in her hand, which she just can't handle. Do you know that feeling when, after you have eaten too much, even a small piece can make you vomit. Anyway, what I have seen and understood from his posts, he has a terrible wussy behaviour, always expecting for something from his girl, always being pushy, always wanting things to be "perfect" in his way, etc. And he still does it, even now. His mind thinks that, as the girl replied to his texts, is in somehow interested... what a fake... He should be doing not only NC, but also even forget even her name! These kind of these guys are really annoying. I mean, even a girl who wants everything from you, expects so much from you, makes you feel like vomitting and frustated.

Wildcat use to say less is more, how true. Its very unhealthy to expect anyone to always be there for you 24/7. Its so important that she is part of your happiness, not the only thing that makes you happy. Relax some and stop trying to be so perfect.

Matteus, you are more or less right on target, and that pretty much fulfilled what I had felt I was getting from her. I'm just kicking myself for screwing up royally, with a great girl. And now ever attempt I make to see if everything is normal with her, only drives that annoying nail for her in deeper. I'm just not going to contact her at all, whatsoever, because I know she could care less.IS THE RELATIONSHIP FULLY OVER? Because if it is, I want to just call her and end it, so I stop worrying about it. I want to end it on my terms, if it really is over for her and she hasn't broken up with me yet.

You have a lot of personel issues to deal with. The bad part is you have no clue how she feels, but have assumed yourself into a frenzy. Can't you see that? This is all you tripping in your own head.

Let her come to you, if she does she's interested, if she doesn't you are done.

Frankly, if she didn't text you or call you on xmas you are more than done, no need to ever call, let her call you, if she does call and asks why you have been distant, tell her that you thought that she wasn't interested, then shut up and listen to her answer.

Remember, the NC gets you to forget about her after time and move on. Just do it!

If your GF asked you for space and you are expecting a call don't. You should enjoy yourself the best you can go out or with family. Relax and see what happens. Don't push it you will make it worst.

Hey guys

LONG BUT PLEASE READ

For all of you who have been following my insane posts over the past few weeks, tonight me and my ex broke up via phone. I didn't want to do it this way, but the idea of being confused and not knowing just got me too impatient...

It was completely mutual, I pressed the subject, and she came out with it. She said she was going to wait until we got back to school, so we could talk in person, and I just couldn't wait until then, especially because I pretty much already knew the outcome.

She said 2 of the last 3 nights we spent together before the break, she was trying to have sex, so she would see if that would make the relationship work out and bring us closer... unfortunately, because I was a virgin, I wasn't ready... looking back, she said it worked out for the best because if we would have done it, it would have only prolonged the inevitable, and made it that much harder when we did. Besides, if a 2 month relationship at 19 has to be saved by sex, then I'm not sure it would have saved anything at all. Plus, it would have been for all the wrong reasons.

So it was a mutual breakup, and we agreed to be friends and not let this be the last night we spoke... we ended the conversatin with some joking around, and poking fun at each other. It felt so good to not have the pressure of being "in a relationship". We could just be ourselves. We agreed to meet over new years in atlanta, so she could give me my birthday present. I said yea thatd be nice, and we left it at that.

As anxious and obsessed I may have seemed in my earlier posts, it was more me trying to figure out the situation than the fear of actually losing her as a girlfriend. Yes I am a bit hurt, but I already feel better just knowing that this is what we both kind of wanted. It wasn't a nasty breakup, and we laughed and joked around here and there.

It just wasn't the right time for her to be in a relationship, nor was I ready to handle a relationship. She did cite that I may have pushed things a bit too hard too fast, but that most of the things I felt I needed weren't that outrageous. She just wasn't ready to give them to anyone, it didn't matter how much she liked me.

We said we were going to remain close friends and still talk to each other, but of course many mutual breakups say that. I still do like her, and I'm just glad I finally got to understand the way she was eeing us, and that's all I ever really wanted. She said there may always be a chance of us being together, but at the current time, it just wasn't happening. We were trying too hard at a relationship that was barely even off its feet to begin with. When we were together, we were great together, but the true test of a relationship is how we acted when we were apart. I felt she acted the opposite, she felt I acted the opposite of how someone should act.

I would sometime like to date her again, but I'm not holding my breath by any means. The part I will miss most about her will be all the superficial wrong reasons.. i.e. she's hot, she gives good "head", she's the envy of many other men around me, but like I said those are shallow and unimprtant reasons for a relationship.

If we get back fine, I know I will understand how a relationship goes the second time around, but its just going to take her time that whatever knowledge I lacked, I made up for with care and affection.

I know NC should be the way to go if I want to "get her back", but I don't even know if that's what I really want. I mean right now, when you lose something, you want to find it or get it back... thats human nature, especially, if you were fond of the particular item.

Should I contact her and meet up with her for new years?
Should I be friends with her? And hope she comes around by seeing me as a nonrelationship bound threat and a person she can once again have feelings for?
Or should I just go completely NC and forget about her altogether?

I know you may think I'm okay on the outside, but that's really not the case. I'm fine on the inside as well. I like her yes, but I'm not in love with her nor do I have any kind of infatuation with her. I would love to have another shot with her, but, like I said, I'm not going to hold my breath or wait for her.

I would like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to write thoughtful and insightful responses, however many different times and ways I asked the same question. This really helped me transition through the breakup phase, probably more than even I know. Thank you especially, talaniman, matteus, cali, livinglife, george, phil, and anyone else I forgot for everything. I will continue to keep in touch..

Well, if you're really OK with it, then good for you brother. You seem to be mentioning the possibility of being back with her, so I don't know if your heart is totally ready to let go. These things can get harder as people go on and see what the other person is doing in their life. I'm just saying this because I'd hate to see you torture yourself over the "might have beens".

In any case, if you aren't missing her completely terribly right now, I'd stay on that path. I really would limit contact, to keep you from tossing yourself into an uncommited woman... believe me I know that pain...

Anyhow, best of luck

I just know, from how sincere she was, granted it was over the phone, that she really was hesitant to do it and that I may have forced what was probably going to inevitabley happen, but nonetheless, the breakup was good for us at this point and time. I may have rushed things a bit as a said, but she said I probably wouldn't have mattered how fast or slow I went because it just wasn't the right time for her to be in a relationship.

The fact that it was mutual says a lot. I feel like going NC after saying we should see each other during new years would be a risk, but might work. On the other hand, she could have sugarcoated the breakup conversation, although as I said, she was sincere with her feelings, which she hadn't been the entire relationship.

She told me I shouldn't be an obligation to her, and at this point in time, she didn't want to feel bad for wanting to go and hang out with her friends instead of me on a given night.

I just realize she was very confused, and that's why we broke up.

I really don't see it as false hope, because I'm technically not "hoping" for it. If we see each other again, dating, gf/bf, whatever that's awesome and I would give it another chance no problem, I just don't know the best way to let her go about it. Me staying in touch with her, and showing that I can handle seeing her as a friend, and us having fun and eventually leading back to a relationship, or NC, in other words ignoring her, which I have felt up to this point is not the way to go with this type of girl. She doesn't play games, she doesn't test you. She's a bit reserved with her feelings, and I am not, that's the only real difference we had.

That is why this is a bit hard. If it were a nasty breakup, this would be a lot easier(well I haven't gone through one so I'm assuming) because I could have a reason to hate her. But it was such an amicable and normal conversation about something so serious, I feel it left room for it to be mended, and repaired, but just unaware of how long it would take

You see what I'm saying?

Yea I sure do. I think you're in a good place right now. I like the fact that you are able to say what was wrong with the relationship, and admit that it just may not be a good time for her to commit, without blaming yourself for it. That's a good emotional spot to be in, and shows a level of maturity about the whole thing.

Sometimes people can be friends after a relationship. I don't see it happen so SOON after a relationship very often however. I'd be willing to bet that some emotions and talk about things would definitely happen over new years. So, I'd give it a bit of space, but that's me. If you can handle it, then awesome, your keeping yourself confidence and not taking a huge ego hit from this.

I mean, to be completely honest, when she sees me over new years, and showing that I am comfortable being her friend first, then that is the way to go with her if something is to happen down the road as far as her and I go. I know her too well that the NC thing will only give her the impression "forget it" and she will completely ignore me. She's not the type, most girls will say they aren't, but few actually aren't, of girl that will chase after a guy is she is ignored by them... then again that could be a huge misconecption on my part so I just don't know. I spent our whole relationship chasing her, that I could never really see if she did any chasing! That's just what confuses me

2 options:

NC AT ALL

Be friends with her, not her BFFAEAEAE, but her friend, plutonic first, then maybe a rekindled flame

Where are all my little trolls when I need them? Lol

Bumpity bump bump...

I read this post and was all intense till you said "She gives Good Head" LOL! I almost fell out my seat. First question is You're a virgin how do u know? I am joking obviously Looks like you have your head on straight :>) Don't contact move on and see what else you find out there. I am sure if she wants to work it out or if u desire too down the road there won't be any issue with it because you guys seem to be handling the situation right.
Good Luck

Intercourse virgin lol... but yea, so you don't think I should contact her over the new years? Even though I said I would?

hey guys

LONG BUT PLEASE READ

for all of you who have been following my insane posts over the past few weeks, tonight me and my ex broke up via phone. i didnt want to do it this way, but the idea of being confused and not knowing just got me too impatient...

it was completely mutual, i pressed the subject, and she came out with it. she said she was going to wait until we got back to school, so we could talk in person, and i just couldnt wait until then, especially bc i pretty much already knew the outcome.

she said 2 of the last 3 nights we spent together before the break, she was trying to have sex, so she would see if that would make the relationship work out and bring us closer...unfortunately, bc i was a virgin, i wasnt ready...looking back, she said it worked out for the best bc if we would have done it, it would have only prolonged the inevitable, and made it that much harder when we did. besides, if a 2 month relationship at 19 has to be saved by sex, then im not sure it would of saved anything at all. plus, it would have been for all the wrong reasons.

so it was a mutual breakup, and we agreed to be friends and not let this be the last night we spoke...we ended the conversatin with some joking around, and poking fun at each other. it felt so good to not have the pressure of being "in a relationship". we could just be ourselves. we agreed to meet over new years in atlanta, so she could give me my birthday present. i said yea thatd be nice, and we left it at that.

as anxious and obssessed i may have seemed in my earlier posts, it was more me trying to figure out the situation than the fear of actually losing her as a girlfriend. yes i am a bit hurt, but i already feel better just knowing that this is what we both kind of wanted. it wasnt a nasty breakup, and we laughed and joked around here and there.

it just wasnt the right time for her to be in a relationship, nor was i ready to handle a relationship. she did cite that i may have pushed things a bit too hard too fast, but that most of the things i felt i needed werent that outrageous. she just wasnt ready to give them to anyone, it didnt matter how much she liked me.

we said we were going to remain close friends and still talk to each other, but of course many mutual breakups say that. i still do like her, and im just glad i finally got to understand the way she was eeing us, and thats all i ever really wanted. she said there may always be a chance of us being together, but at the current time, it just wasnt happening. we were trying too hard at a relationship that was barely even off its feet to begin with. when we were together, we were great together, but the true test of a relationship is how we acted when we were apart. i felt she acted the opposite, she felt i acted the opposite of how someone should act.

i would sometime like to date her again, but im not holding my breath by any means. the part i will miss most about her will be all the superficial wrong reasons..i.e. shes hot, she gives good "head", shes the envy of many other men around me, but like i said those are shallow and and unimprtant reasons for a relationship.

if we get back fine, i know i will understand how a relationship goes the second time around, but its just going to take her time that whatever knowledge i lacked, i made up for with care and affection.

i know NC should be the way to go if i want to "get her back", but i dont even know if thats what i really want. i mean right now, when u lose something, you want to find it or get it back...thats human nature, especially, if u were fond of the particular item.

should i contact her and meet up with her for new years?
should i be friends with her? and hope she comes around by seeing me as a nonrelationship bound threat and a person she can once again have feelings for?
or should i just go completely NC and forget about her altogether?

i know you may think im okay on the outside, but thats really not the case. i'm fine on the inside as well. i like her yes, but im not in love with her nor do i have any kind of infatuation with her. i would love to have another shot with her, but, like i said, im not going to hold my breath or wait for her.

i would like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to write thoughtful and insightful responses, however many different times and ways i asked the same question. this really helped me transition through the breakup phase, probably more than even i know. thank you especially, talaniman, matteus, cali, livinglife, george, phil, and anyone else i forgot for everything. i will continue to keep in touch..

Normally this isn't the way things are advised to go, but seeing as how it was mutual, and not a messy break up, I say just be friends with the girl, meet her for new years hang out with her, as long as its not going to be awkward for you.
If you decide you want her back, then maybe just being friends with her will help you figure out what she needs in the relationship, posibly even what you need.
If it makes any diffrence, I'm best friends with one of my ex's, and things work much better that way, it wasn't easy for us at first, but eventually things just fell into an easy routine.
I hope some of what I said helps...

But your not back together with that ex obviously... I just don't know if the reason I have taken this breakup so well thus far is because I have some glimmer of hope we will get back together, or I just really wasn't that invested in the whole relationship as much as I thought I was or may have appeared. I still think about her a lot, but its doesn't make me upset or sad.

The way we left things after the BU, I think I should contact her, not because I'm going to beg and plead with her, but to show that being friends is okay and the relationship didn't effect me too bad.

As people always say, NC is for me, and since I don't really know or think I need ME work, I shouldn't do NC... ill think about it sometime more over the next few days, but right now my plan is to call her as planned.

Yea everybody is different I myself needed NC and I have been through multiple breakups this is the first time I have actually been able to maintain NC. Also me and my ex were together for 2 years so it is different. If you can handle it go for it. I know I couldn't :>)

but your not back together with that ex obviously...i just dont know if the reason i have taken this breakup so well thus far is bc i have some glimmer of hope we will get back together, or i just really wasnt that invested in the whole relationship as much as i thought i was or may have appeared. i still think about her alot, but its doesnt make me upset or sad.

the way we left things after the BU, i think i should contact her, not bc im going to beg and plead with her, but to show that being friends is okay and the relationship didnt effect me too bad.

as people always say, NC is for me, and since i dont really know or think i need ME work, i shouldnt do NC...ill think about it sometime more over the next few days, but right now my plan is to call her as planned.

You're right, I'm not back with that ex, I wouldn't have minded, he was a nice guy, treated me right, but we both reailzed that the relationship wasn't working, and salvaged what was left of a good friendship.
Maybe the break up isn't bothering you so bad, because it was something you needed for yourself...
No contact is good depending on the situation, you're not intending on begging for her back, you just want to be her friend, I say contact her... its better to be able to have a friendship with your ex, than have it be awkward every time you see her.

Dude your going in circles. If the other posters would read ALL your posts, they would say the same thing. Its you who is confused and clueless.

Dude your going in circles. If the other posters would read ALL your posts, they would say the same thing. Its you who is confused and clueless.

How can you say that? Going in circles? Can you elaborate? I have felt more clear and better today than I felt the entire break before we broke up...

Aiyerrc, I think he was talking about me...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=2209193 (http://https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=2209193)

The whole sordid mess.
You due to insecurity and confusion, can't get along with this female, and get to tripping when she is away on holiday break, mind you everyone says be cool. You still get mad because she doesn't call/text enough, so you cool off text less and then break up. Now your wondering if you should call her for New Years and want her back. If that ain't a big circle?? You had the girl, and ran, now same day you want her back. Just so you know, she went along with you, and everything you said and agreed to break up because she figures that's what your crazy confused a$$ wanted. So now here we are again answering the same a$$ questions but a week later. Leave this female alone and get your head screwed on tighter before you run everyone crazy. Just my opinion, of course.

Bumpity,bump,bump??

Tal, you have got this story backwards... if you want to get technical she was going to break up with me when we got back from break... when she says something like," I was trying to have sex so maybe we could salvage a relationship that was less than 2 months in, then I'm pretty sure its over, especially because we didn't have sex... exactly what I thought she was going to do, do it in person because she didn't want to do it over the phone... but I was so fed up with being in lala land as far as her and me happily dating, I couldn't go through another day of waiting for her to breakup with me, WHICH SHE WAS GOING TO DO.

She didn't just agree with everything I said, we understood each other point of views... yes I may have lost her because I pushed too much too fast, but the more I think about that, the more upset I will be... I may have lost her because I'm not experienced enough in a relationship, and while I hate the fact, it'll make me learn for the furture.. she wasn't ready for a relationship, especially with me, someone who was looking for something serious. Yes it may be my fault, but I'm happier now, broken up, than I was not knowing what to do at all at the point in the relationship that we were at...

It was mutual, I'm satisfied... did I lose a good girl? Possibley... am I heartbroken? no... am I upset? Maybe a bit... am I confused anymore? Hell no... the only thing I'm trying to determine right now is what way to go in terms of NO CONTACT

Tala, you are the most avid proclaimer of no contact is for yourself... well I feel better now than I have in almost a month... I don't need time for myself...

Could she have been just blowing smoke up my a$$? Saying there may be a chance for us down the road? There's a good chance... but honestly, I want to stop worrying about every move I make towards her... we broke up mainly so I wouldn't have to do that anymore...

By the way, that link goes nowhere...

should I contact her and meet up with her for new years?

Does this sound familiar, does it make sense after breaking up, TODAY, and going no contact??

The link is fixed. Ooooops!

Yes go no contact!

The thing is though tala, I don't hate her, I don't love her, I'm not at a great loss over her, we broke up for good reasons... I had mine she had hers... was I willing to work on it as hard as I could? Yes, because I don't give up on things so easily, but that's besides the point. Being in a relationship was too difficult for us, and after it only being 2 months, and already this stressful, we both thought to oursleves, is this worth it?

The only reason I would contact her is to show her that the breakup didn't really affect me... its not for a chance to get back together with her at the first chance. Its to show, I still would like to be an aquantince(sp?) of hers. NC would solve nothing, imo.

Maybe, I'm just missing the point entirely... lol

On a different note: is it weird, that I genuinely(sp?) don't feel upset at the breakup? Is it weird that I have felt less pressure and stress today than I have felt the last 3 weeks? Is it weird that no part of me wants to contact her at all? Maybe its shell shock, but I really doubt it...

Relax and give it a week, then see how you feel. No need to do anything now right?

Well, new years is in 4 days!! Lol

She wants to see me then, and give me my xmas present, and spend time with me, because even though we are broken up, and our relationship status doesn't determine how much I'm allowed to miss you... she said she misses me, she doesn't miss her boyfriend, she wanted to see me...

You know what, it doesn't matter. You did good.

This one is out of the way and you can learn from it and not make the same mistakes in the next relationship.

There will be many, don't freak out, remain cool. Have fun at school and hang out with the boys, the next one will be right around the corner.

she wants to see me then, and give me my xmas present, and spend time with me, bc even though we are broken up, and our relationship status doesnt determine how much im allowed to miss you....she said she misses me, she doesnt miss her boyfriend, she wanted to see me...

Aiyerrrc:

She is probably a nice girl. She realized that it wasn't working so she went into the fade out. She likes you, but wants to keep it on the friendship level.

Meet her, accept the present, say thanks and then get out of there. If you keep up the chasing your friendship will end.

Start the NC, if she asks why tell her the truth. I care about you and I just need some time to get you out of my mind, after that we'll be good.

Is there a reason I'm taking this so well? Maybe I knew it had been coming for a few weeks?

If I were to see her or hear of her with another man, I would get upset... does this mean I still like her?

I've Noticed, that before if you knew it had been coming on its easier to cope with because you were able to brace yourself.

You Dated the girl for a while and although you can handle being friends with her when you're both single, You probably do still have some feelings for her, exspecially if you would get upset if you saw her with another man it comes along with the territory. I don't know how much you liked her, but I do know that, all emotions you have for someone don't just disaperate, it takes time.

The real question is are you ok-enough to still have contact, to go see her on new years to let her give you your present?

Not saying she will, but being friends with your ex also means that occasionally you will have to hear about the guy she thinks is hot or if she does start dating another man, you will probably have to hear about it.

I still think new years is a good idea, then like LivingthelifeinFLA said, no contact, and if she asks why tell her the truth... and if you REALLY don't want to have no contact, try small stuff, emails and texts...

Update...

I've gone 11 days w/o any contact at all, and its hasn't been hard at all. Have I thought about her? Of course, but m not losing any sleep over her, and I'm having a blast with all my friends in the mountains.

I decided to not contact her on new years, because I just didn't really feel like seeing her. She didn't contact me either, but one of the girls I knew she was with texted and called one of the guys she knew I was with saying we should meet up, so I'm sure there's something there.

I did find out that she just realized her father was having an affair, and she has been dealing with that for the last few days...

I've really done fine with NC. I have had no urges to call her, text her, not even drunk text or anything. We will be back at school tomorrow night, and I really do want my present, but I feel like I should wait for her to contact me, which she isn't the type of person to do something lke that, but w/e..

Update...

I've gone 11 days w/o any contact at all, and its hasn't been hard at all. Have I thought about her? Of course, but m not losing any sleep over her, and I'm having a blast with all my friends in the mountains.

I decided to not contact her on new years, because I just didn't really feel like seeing her. She didn't contact me either, but one of the girls I knew she was with texted and called one of the guys she knew I was with saying we should meet up, so I'm sure there's something there.

I did find out that she just realized her father was having an affair, and she has been dealing with that for the last few days...

I've really done fine with NC. I have had no urges to call her, text her, not even drunk text or anything. We will be back at school tomorrow night, and I really do want my present, but I feel like I should wait for her to contact me, which she isn't the type of person to do something lke that, but w/e..

Should I call her tomorrow and say hey and come get my present? Or should I just remain NC and completely cut her out of everything? Read the original post, then answer...