sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

I'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least I can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago I met the woman of my dreams. Before I had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, I did what I could to stay in contact with her over the years. Sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. Every so often she would call. We were really good friends but I made it clear that I was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. He was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. She came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. He left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). She caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. She said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). They always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. This guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. He doesn't have cable TV, internet, -- normal stuff. He was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way I took it. She left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. She packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. We get back in touch and I'm thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. So I go see her and I fall hard. Pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". I love it, except for the fact that I have cable TV, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. At one point he tells her he'll kill me. (I could so kick his scrawny ). She'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before I know it he has called or done something else. At one point she had called him! He kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. I could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. She is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. In fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. She's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. She says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally I start crying because I love her. She starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. She says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and I deserve her 100%, not 95%. She asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as I waited for her to leave. She says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. I said that I wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). She said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. She also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because I haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. She says she knows I don't like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. She says she's never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

I walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that I threw up. The next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. Week one was flat out grief and depression. Week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

I really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. I mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. He is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas I have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.

It's her loss. I'm not sure she was with you for friendship with benefits or is just not sure yet what she wants in life, but something is still making her 'itch'

She's itching for you to put a ring on her finger and at least she was being honest about that. But.. think hard... Is she willing to give up her current lifestyle and settle with (or even for) you?

Please don't place any one in the center of your universe because I sense a big black hole out there somewhere and I don't want you being drawn into it.

While you are waiting for her to grow up, please don't put your life and goals on hold, get to know other people, enjoy life. And if and when she does come back make sure she left her outdated garbage where it belongs.

We are here for you, and I wish you all the best, and I sincerely hope it all woks out the way you want it to.

Good luck.

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She got on the antidepressants because she wasn't and still isn't over him. She rebounded into you, notice the quick move in together. Then every time he contacts she is depressed thinking about him.

I feel for you bro. This is an immature little girl who never got over this douchbag and shows no respect for you. (Her daddy was probably the same as this moron) I hate these people who are so selfish as to use someone else to get over their pain but cause a whole new trail of hurt.

She will go back to him, the same drama will happen and then she will start contacting you in 6-9 months. But unfortunately, you are second best. Been there before.

You need to tell her, either you come back right now or never talk to me again and mean it. Time to be a total prick, no more nice guy. Obviously she responded to this cause this was how the other guy acted. Unfortunately, without the unselfish love, she is ruined property.

Take the long hard road again and try and find someone that gives you the respect that you deserve.

sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

i'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least i can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago i met the woman of my dreams. before i had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, i did what i could to stay in contact with her over the years. sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. every so often she would call. we were really good friends but i made it clear that i was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. he was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. she came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. he left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). she caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. she said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). they always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. this guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. he doesn't have cable tv, internet, -- normal stuff. he was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way i took it. she left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. she packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. we get back in touch and im thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. so i go see her and i fall hard. pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". i love it, except for the fact that i have cable tv, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. at one point he tells her he'll kill me. (i could so kick his scrawny ). she'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before i know it he has called or done something else. at one point she had called him!! he kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. i could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. she is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. in fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. she's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. she says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally i start crying because i love her. she starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. she says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and i deserve her 100%, not 95%. she asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as i waited for her to leave. she says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. i said that i wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). she said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. she also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because i haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. she says she knows i dont like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. she says shes never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.
It seems she isn't really a catch. I'm sure you perceive her to be so great, but she just seems terribly impulsive and confused. I have to turn it around and ask you why it is you have clung around to someone so not worth it. Why are you still chasing this woman after so many years? Don't you think you are better than to be second place for a decade?

When she is driving away and she yelled "im coming back" it just seems like she is fooling with you. She doesn't seem like a very good person at all. You have to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you haven't tried to find someone who actually cares for you. It just seems like you're a toy to her. I think you are clinging to this girl because she treats you like dirt. Perhaps it's time you seek some therapy. Perhaps it is you that requires an introspective look on your life. You are senselessly hurting yourself. Forget her and seek resolution of these issues. Godspeed!

Wow, this sounds like the movie Forest Gump. If you haven't seen it,Watch it. I think she probably gave Forest a disease in the end and they left that part out. Jenay was worthy of his love and sounds like your girl isn't worthy of you either. Bittersweet should not be good enough for you.

Yes, keep the responses coming!

In many ways, your behavior towards HER is just like HER behavior towards "LOSER GUY". Have you dated other girls? What about this girl is so special that you kept in touch, tried so hard, and ultimately let yourself get hurt for? Is she really that special or is it ALL IN YOUR HEAD?

I think you should take your own advice that you wish she took. You want her to forget about "LOSER GUY". You should forget about LOSER GIRL. I'm sure she cares for you to some degree which is not just her using you. But it's not enough.

Take your own advice, WALK AWAY.

--Cali

I think ilovecali says a mouthful with "take your own advice." You've been letting her toy with your feelings all this time. It's up to you to say "enough is enough" and "no more." There are plenty of single, eligible women out there who I'm sure would love a chance to be with someone such as yourself. Get out there and start pursuing them.

In many ways, your behavior towards HER is just like HER behavior towards "LOSER GUY". Have you dated other girls? What about this girl is so special that you kept in touch, tried so hard, and ultimately let yourself get hurt for? Is she really that special or is it ALL IN YOUR HEAD?

It's not like I sat around doing nothing for years waiting exclusively for her. I dated other girls and enjoyed myself. However, I've yet to meet someone other than her that does it for me. I don't know what it is. If I found a better girl believe me I would upgrade.

I'll keep my eyes open for new opportunities, but the chances are real slim based on past experience.

It's not like I sat around doing nothing for years waiting exclusively for her. I dated other girls and enjoyed myself. However, I've yet to meet someone other than her that does it for me. I don't know what it is. If I found a better girl believe me I would upgrade.

I'll keep my eyes open for new opportunities, but the chances are real slim based on past experience.

An UPGRADE?

Oh, well, I guess you still have your sense of humor about you.
IMO since you are still stuck on something about her, date, but don't look for something serious yet, you can't handle it because you are still in the healing process.

Time is the only thing that will help here and it depends on what you do with it. Use it constructively by figuring out exactly what you want - and stay away from rebounds. Don't get 'itchy' yourself and don't let further excesss baggage into your life.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)

I have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

To me this sounds like a man that is not accustomed to losing. Maybe the intense love that you feel for this woman is just the result of not intending on losing. It must be a real blow for your pride and sense of accomplishment for her to choose this other man over you. Especially given the fact that he has none of your good qualities.

How dare she keep choosing someone that is not as decent, successful and educated as you are. What must she be thinking.

I would say that you are not one to just easily give up.
Have you ever stopped to consider that your not really in love, maybe you just don't want to lose. Honey, some prizes are not worth fighting for, once you have them.

Ok, so you win for the sake of winning but what do you have in the end.
Maybe you should stop making yourself available to her and let him keep her. Something's are not worth having. Think about it.

Life is always about choices. Some are easy and some are so difficult you think you might die if you make a certain choice as in bringing closure to a painful situation. Bushg has a valid point I believe in perceiving that you may just like to win and may be getting your desire to win mixed up with your desire to have a lasting relationship with this girl. Sounds like she likes to always call the shots regardless of the pain she causes.

I would encourage you to reread what all you wrote and the time frame of it. We never know how much time we have left on this earth. For you, I desire that your time is spent being happy and productive. One can easily get into a circle of behavior that is difficult to break out of. Whatever this girl has that 'does it for you' I believe there is someone else out there that will enhance your life, encourage you, give you the love you deserve and 'do it for you' as well. I can't blame the gal for wanting to keep you waiting in the wings. Sounds like you are her security blanket and that is a very comfortable feeling for her.

Time to make a break and save your sanity. You may need to actually let this girl know that you have waited for her but have made a decision to move on, that you have loved her but it is now over... for the sole purpose of you having closure, not for her... I would be pretty sure she would soft talk you and try to get you to wait and be patient just a little bit longer. If you give her that opportunity you have accomplished nothing. Say the words, say good bye and don't look back, that is, if you truly want to find some happiness in your life.

Your choices as I see them after reading your post are as follows:

Choose to always be available to her and spend your life waiting (like Forrest)
Choose to close that chapter in your life, realizing she is toxic to you

If you choose #1, realize your heart will ache forever because she will never be for you what you need.
If you choose #2 realize this will hurt for awhile but if you make the break a clean break, they always heal faster than a slow tear.

Thanks for the advice. What I'm going to do is cut off contact and move on. I plan on dating and seeing where it goes. I guess if it is meant to be, she'll come back when the time is right for both of us.

Fact 1, She left you for loserguy

Fact 2, She left you again for loserguy

Fact 3, Your free to find someone else to share HBO with.

Just because someone doesn't have all the modern gadgets and cable hookup doesn't make them less of a human being. Not having a college education and a good job doesn't make you a bad person. Not being a smoker does not slide you up the social scale to "near perfect'. Living like a junkie can really cause relationship problems however. Perhaps she went back to him because you are so vocal about being better than other people. Of course, his relentless survival in "loserdom" has taught him to manipulate her quite well.

Thanks for the advice. What I'm going to do is cut off contact and move on. I plan on dating and seeing where it goes. I guess if it is meant to be, she'll come back when the time is right for both of us.

See that last sentence? IMO you should have left it out. That would have been better - get over her. Or do you want someone so inferior just to feel above it all? You know she made her choice, so either he has something better or you have something worse about you... from her point of view, think about it.

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Q: Do I feel superior than someone who drops out of high school, can't afford toilet paper, beats up girlfriends, abuses drugs, smokes, and manipulates?

A: YES

I agree, the guy (she went back to) is a loser... But compared with Bill Gates, you're hurting! It isn't about superiority though, it's about love. I disagree with some, that you should forget her. Date around? Sure. Loving someone, even if they hang with a loser for part of their life, is not wrong. Forgiveness is never wrong. Drugs mess people up. She is messed up (emotionally anyway), but she is willing to work toward change and she does love you. I'd give her another chance if she wanted one.

One thing I don't believe you'd do is manipulate her. Love does not manipulate. People do when that's all they think will work, and don't know any better. You're smart. You write extremely well. You are educated, just take it beyond what society "appreciates" and forge an intelligent path for yourself. A path that makes you feel good inside, in your heart of hearts.

Q: Do I feel superior than someone who drops out of high school, can't afford toilet paper, beats up girlfriends, abuses drugs, smokes, and manipulates?

A: YES

Sorry dear, you did not get the message..

I think you feel suprior towards her.. she is the one who is torn between him and you and you cannot understand how she'd dare to even think of someone less than you, therefore you think she is inferior due to her past. Now, if and when she comes back, are you going to continuously remind her of her mistakes and suggest that she should be grateful to you for taking her back? This is what I am worried about. It could lead to temptation for you to always feel 'above' her and create a 'cheap high' for you. I hope you will not do that to yourself because it leads to unhappiness either way you look at it.

So, just suggesting that you recheck your motives. You have a right to be proud of your achievements and deserve to have a partner who loves you for who you are and not what you did for her. You deserve a new chance with someone who does not carry past garbage, so that you can have an even beginning at that 'starting line' of relationships.

Hope this helped clarify where I am coming from.

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Thanks for the responses. I agree, an even starting line is a good idea.

well what do you know, she recently called and said she wants to move back in with me and that she is miserable with her ex. However she says she is "too scared" to move back and that she doesn't have any definite plans.

if that's the case she needs to quit bothering me. It just seemed to get my hopes up (right as I was starting to get over her).

the one guys advice about telling her its BS and to choose RIGHT NOW seems to make sense now =)

Tell her to not call you and keep making empty promises. She's rather irrational and impulsive, you should accept her and love her when she finally cuts everything with the loser boyfriend. Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?

If its true love she'll come around;if not it sounds like it's her loss

Yeah I agree. My debate right now is whether to tell her its now or never, or to just ignore her and go on with my life until she is really ready to move back.

The worst part is I have put a couple ladies I was dating on "hold" because I didn't want to take it further with them and end up hurting them if my ex-gf did move back.

Don't be in a big hurry to let her come back, she is only testing the water. Its like putting in a reservation to a restaurant. Calling ahead to make sure you reserve a spot and get rid of anyone else. Maybe he didn't pay his cable bill and she is THINKING of bailing, back to you, old reliable. Enough is enough. Using you as a rebound, to a now twice failed relationship, is not healthy. Neither is stopping your healing to even consider it.

She will go back to him, the same drama will happen and then she will start contacting you in 6-9 months. But unfortunately, you are second best. Been there before.

OK so I was wrong she only lasted 1 month, she is weaker than I thought.


You need to tell her, either you come back right now or never talk to me again and mean it. Time to be a total prick, no more nice guy. Obviously she responded to this cause this was how the other guy acted. Unfortunately, without the unselfish love, she is ruined property.

My advice is to see her, maybe now you will really see her for who she is and the feelings will fade and you will be done with her. But, even if you do still have feelings, don't fall for her trap, she will never respect you and SHE WILL LEAVE YOU AGAIN. She walked all over you and threw another guy in your face. Basically she said, "I can do whatever I want, and lie to you and you will believe me!"

This is not a good long term catch. So think logically now not emotionally, you need to suck it up and tell her, "I'm sorry, I just don't think we have a future together". (warning, if you do this she will start chasing you)

OR, this could be time for payback. Throw the other girls you are dating in her face. Set up 2 dates in the same day, her first, then abruptly end the date and tell her you have to go see your girlfriend.

yeah i agree. my debate right now is whether to tell her its now or never, or to just ignore her and go on with my life until she is really ready to move back.

the worst part is i have put a couple ladies i was dating on "hold" b/c i didn't want to take it further with them and end up hurting them if my ex-gf did move back.

Don't put them on hold. But, don't lead them on if you are not ready, they don't deserve what you went through. If you like them, but are not ready, hang out as friends and see if something develops. I went through a breakup with someone similar to what your dealing with and started dating a few really nice girls. It didn't go anywhere because I was still hung up on the past. But I am still friends with those girls today.

Buzzin - Talaniman is "Dead On" in his advice.

Talaniman, I tried to share the love but it wouldn't allow me to at this time but you are right on the money with your advice as I see the situation.

Buzzin, I know it is hard to let go but no future in this except short periods of bliss then you are still going to be blowin' in the wind. The girls you are putting on hold with not be there forever. Turn it around and think about it. Much luck to you... but am hoping for your sake, you take Talaniman's advice. Healing interrupted is sometimes, healing destroyed. You will heal but the healing you have been attempting will be done away with if you give in to this gal only to have to go through this process again.

Very true... if only I could ignore emotions and just act logically!

Affairs of the heart do not like logic nor react to it generally! A decision had to be made and a commitment to yourself to stick with the decision. Not an easy task. By all posts, I am sure you see this. Now it is up to you. We all go through times we can't let go. Eventually after much hurt, we do make the decision. When you have had enough, you will make the decision to move on and wonder why it took so long. Hind sight is always 20/20.

My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well. She says if I loved her I would make it as easy as possible for her to move back. She says she made a huge mistake and she can never forgive herself and she just wants to be back with me how it used to be. She says she wants to marry me!

Of course on my end, I was devastated when she left and although I love her and miss fondly the good memories, I am not sure she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I told her she should move back to the area and get a place with a friend and we could date and see what develops, but I wasn't ready to jump back in to living with someone again. She cried a lot and said I always told her my door was open. Yeah but that was before she left me to move back in with her ex in another state and sleep with him for 3 months while I'm alone.

To top it off, I have met someone else and gone on a few dates with her. We really like each other and are both interested in seeing what might develop. I told the new girl I wanted to take things slow and was still dealing with my ex girlfriend, so at least I was honest.

I don't know what to do. My heart longs for her to come back and move in with me and have things like they used to be, with a few changes (she needs to quit smoking, have sex more often, work more hours per week at her job). I feel like we spent 2 years together and she should have a second chance. She says she wants to move back in or not at all.

Emotionally I want her back right now and I miss her dearly.
Logically I have some resentment for what she did and I'm not sure she is the one I want for the rest of my life. I told her this and said I needed time to figure things out. She's not happy with that answer!

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision because I do love her.

HELP!

My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well. She says if I loved her I would make it as easy as possible for her to move back. She says she made a huge mistake and she can never forgive herself and she just wants to be back with me how it used to be. She says she wants to marry me!

Of course on my end, I was devastated when she left and although I love her and miss fondly the good memories, I am not sure she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I told her she should move back to the area and get a place with a friend and we could date and see what develops, but I wasn't ready to jump back in to living with someone again. She cried a lot and said I always told her my door was open. Yeah but that was before she left me to move back in with her ex in another state and sleep with him for 3 months while I'm alone.

To top it off, I have met someone else and gone on a few dates with her. We really like each other and are both interested in seeing what might develop. I told the new girl I wanted to take things slow and was still dealing with my ex gf, so at least I was honest.

I don't know what to do. My heart longs for her to come back and move in with me and have things like they used to be, with a few changes (she needs to quit smoking, have sex more often, work more hours per week at her job). I feel like we spent 2 years together and she should have a second chance. She says she wants to move back in or not at all.

Emotionally I want her back right now and I miss her dearly.
Logically I have some resentment for what she did and I'm not sure she is the one I want for the rest of my life. I told her this and said I needed time to figure things out. She's not happy with that answer!

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision b/c I do love her.

HELP!



Hmm this is easy NO to the ex, doesn't matter what you felt for her, what she has done you will constantly think about, and besides seems to me she is in a rut so now she wants to just walk back into your life and your suppose to drop everything because you loved her, you may still love her, but I don't think you are in love with her... Why ruin your relationship with the women you are currently with to go back to old news... If she would have left you to better herself then perhaps she deserve another chance but she did it out of self love, selfishly she acted... Besides do you really want her to change who she is to please you? Why do you need her to do all those things... love should be unconditional, and she has to want to change that on her own... I think you shouldn't go back end of story...


BTW it doesn't matter that you are 26 when you know you found the "one" you wouldn't want to sleep around... Keep dating and don't waste any more of her time or your own..

The most quick way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings... let her go bro!

Why would you trust anything she says, and your not even sure if she is the one. I can bet things would be great for a while, until she found someone else who she fancies. Hey why even consider going that way again, after what has already happened? She won't do it your way, but gets mad because you won't do it her way. Lets get serious guy as you have put yourself back together, and are starting to get a real life, without that wilda$$ drama, so why mess it up for someone who has already dumped on you? Makes no sense from my view.




She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision because I do love her.


She IS the wrong decision.

Buzzin, leave her alone.
Tell her you are not ready or willing to stick to a commitment right now, and that you are not through 'banging' around (as you yourself said). You don't love her, you love the power you'll have over her due to her remorse, and will be able to set rules such as not smoking, working longer, etc - that is not being fair to her - no matter what she did.

She will be better off on her own - finding herself and leading a new life instead of going back to one that will not make her happy, only subservient.

In my opinion, you go your way and let her go her way. It will hurt her, but not as much as daily compromise and insecurity with you.

If you want to mold something, start with pottery, at least when that breaks it's only material.

You too deserve to have a life without stress and worry.

Good luck, and keep us posted.


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My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well.

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision b/c I do love her.

HELP!

Your first post states: as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

and now you post the following:

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with.



Reading the two posts, it seems you have moved on. Keep on movin'! She said she was coming back and she did. But then you knew she would when she needed some security or a break. I have to say though, you had me right up to the last paragraph but after reading that, it is my opinion that you would be doing both you and her a favor by ending any relationship with this girl and keep your life moving forward. Keep in mind that a great bang can end up a fizzle in the marriage bed so I hope you are basing "what you like and want to settle down with" on more than that. Best to you in your decisions. I know we will be happy to know what you decide. It has been quite a story. I for one, am glad you seem to be moving past this one.

sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

i'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least i can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago i met the woman of my dreams. before i had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, i did what i could to stay in contact with her over the years. sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. every so often she would call. we were really good friends but i made it clear that i was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. he was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. she came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. he left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). she caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. she said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). they always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. this guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. he doesn't have cable tv, internet, -- normal stuff. he was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way i took it. she left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. she packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. we get back in touch and im thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. so i go see her and i fall hard. pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". i love it, except for the fact that i have cable tv, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. at one point he tells her he'll kill me. (i could so kick his scrawny ). she'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before i know it he has called or done something else. at one point she had called him!! he kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. i could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. she is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. in fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. she's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. she says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally i start crying because i love her. she starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. she says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and i deserve her 100%, not 95%. she asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as i waited for her to leave. she says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. i said that i wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). she said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. she also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because i haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. she says she knows i dont like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. she says shes never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.
Ohh that is so sad you sound really sweet and reliable. The problem really seems to be that she is not stable in her life and has no idea what she wants or how to be happy. She needs to really work on herself before someone deserving as yourself even attempts to get too close to her which it sounds like you already have. I understand both sides of this scenario since I too have been emotionally attached to bad guys and have actually blown off good prospects to only feel regret later when I realized I should have gone for the better choice. You are going to be sad regardless because you have invested too many feelings into this broad. I know it's easier said than done but you need to be straight up with her if she tries to come back and say you know what I can't handle you, you are just too much for me. She may take years at this point to get to the place where you are. I think to feel a sense of closure you should talk to her one last time, maybe pick at her brain a little to see what's going on with her but decide that you are going to try to stop worrying about her after that. Tell her how you feel, let her know you are done evn if she tries to convince you to wait around, you isn't a friggin doormat for her to wipe the dog off her shoes. Tell her that you love her or care for her whatever and that because it affects you too deeply going on this rollercoaster ride that is her emotional itinerary you need off.& dude you really do.I'm a female and I can tell you sometimes with indecisve girls the cliché of don't know what you got until it's gone is true. But that in itself isn't enough. She needs time. So you need to get the hell away from that mess, get yourself a new hobby something, when your ready hey how about a new girlfriend?Sounds like a good idea? Yeah I thought so too... hang in there

Thanks foxigirl83, that makes sense and its nice to see a woman's perspective! (you too chery).

I am going to continue developing a new relationship with a nursing student I met and we've gone on a few dates. I like her and she definitely seems more stable.

The hardest part will be when I get overcome with reminders of my ex. I'll see something that sparks a memory and then I start crying or feeling bad. If I can get through those bouts when they come, I'll be OK.

One day you will find someone that cares about you as much as you care about them. Don't settle for someone who does, and always will, treat you like second best. You deserve to be number one in soemone's life. Don't sell out.

The sad thing is, is that you will always have times when you dwell on her in the beginning. This is going to be the toughest part for you.I' going through similar a situation of my own & talking about it has been the only thing that has really comforted me.Be careful with your new girlfriend in that you don't put too many expectations on her as far as matching up to your ex. I'm sure she wants to be a clean page in your life & not a clone or reminder of a past relationship.Maybe you can share some of your feelings with her, but try to not overdo it because you don't want to discourage the chances of someone new & possibly a better choice for you. Consider talking to friends that do not know her, or maybe even getting a counselor. That way you can sort through your feelings but don't have to let it overwhelm your new situation. You can always come on here to. So best of luck to you with your new girl:)

I've been seeing a new girl for about 6 weeks. She is nice and we get along well, but I can't keep but thinking about my ex. I end up comparing everything to her. About once a week I have a sad night where I think about my ex and allowing her to move back with me. Do you EVER get over your first real love? Should I just give in and get her back? She says she made a mistake and wants to come back. I just don't know if I'll ever meet another woman that I will have the same strong feelings for. The new girl is nice, but I'm definitely not "in love."

Do you EVER get over your first real love?
Yes eventually. Just so you know though, they will haunt you forever. I'm 54, and still get those thoughts of yesteryear. Sometimes they are stronger than other times. Be patient with yourself, and let time be your healer. I think you are trying to avoid the pain of healing, but going backward, is an easier, softer way to deal with that pain, and accomplishes NOTHING. Letting yourself grow, and learning how to deal with your own feelings, and emotions, will reap benefits, skills, and experience, that will be with you the rest of your life. You just can't see it through the pain yet. You will! Don't quit on yourself.

If you don't feel like you can put your heart into this new relationship then take yourself out of it, you are not being fair to the other girl who you are dating. No one can tell you if you should go back with the ex, we can only give opinions. In the end you make your own decisions, and I think you want someone to agree or tell you to go for your ex, so that you can have reason to go there once again. You really don't need anyone validation, go with what you feel. Because you have to learn from your choices, If you must go there again just don't have high expectations.. and be careful...

I've been seeing a new girl for about 6 weeks. She is nice and we get along well, but I can't keep but thinking about my ex. I end up comparing everything to her. About once a week I have a sad night where I think about my ex and allowing her to move back with me. Do you EVER get over your first real love? Should I just give in and get her back? She says she made a mistake and wants to come back. I just don't know if I'll ever meet another woman that I will have the same strong feelings for. The new girl is nice, but I'm definitely not "in love."

Hey there buzzin! Six weeks is not enough time to know how you feel about this new girl, I doubt. No, I don't think one ever gets over their first real love. As we mature and time passes, we still remember that "special" time of love and how it felt but the reality of going back, generally is not productive.

However, you may need to go through the pain that she has caused you time after time, ONE MORE TIME, before you are able to make the decision that you don't want to allow that anymore. Her track record for hurting you is extreme. I would reread all of your posts if I were you and relive the pain that each departure caused you before you make a decision.

You need to do whatever you can live with. The memories of what you had with her when things were good is all you seem to dwell on. Maybe you need another dose of reality with her. Choose well. The new girl you are now seeing, who may have so much to offer to your life and you to hers may not be around later. Best to you.

Thanks for the insight. I guess you're right about letting go and moving on, I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision. I noticed myself that lately I am dwelling on the good things in our relationship instead of the bad. I made a top 10 list of bad things, but I tend to overlook them now. I think maybe I'm worried that I won't ever find another woman that I'll feel as strongly for. I guess I miss being in love!

Thanks for the insight. I guess you're right about letting go and moving on, I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision. I noticed myself that lately I am dwelling on the good things in our relationship instead of the bad. I made a top 10 list of bad things, but I tend to overlook them now. I think maybe I'm worried that I won't ever find another woman that I'll feel as strongly for. I guess I miss being in love!

Good Morning buzzin! I think you put it well in saying "I guess I miss being in love". You will fall in love again but in a healthier relationship. It won't happen as long as you keep fantasizing about this girl who has hurt you so many times and walked away. No one will ever measure up to your memories of her as long as you tend to only remember the times that made you feel loved, happy and content. I fell in love at a young age. I know he and I would have never made it as a married couple. I dated before him but he was my first "real love". I love my husband with a deep, abiding love, however, if I allow myself to think of the other guy, it brings forth feelings I had then so I do my best not to think of him. My husband has proven his love over and over through the years. I broke up with my first love and it was difficult not to go back with him. I have to have trust in a relationship or I will not be in that relationship. On my wedding day, he sent a telegram (which should tell you how many years ago that might have been! LOL He was on the football practice field and ran to the telegram office.) It said he still loved me and asked me not to get married.

Since we ran with a large group of friends, we know the same people in town and when I see him at city events or funerals of friends parents, etc. it tugs at my heart. I have been married now soon to be 38 years in June, have two children and five grandchildren. I love my husband and we hunt together, fish together, travel together, he helps me with my mother who has dementia and he is a great father and grandfather. I know he was the one that God intended for me to spend my life with because I prayed about it before marrying him and knew then as I still know to this day. I know I have also been good for him in his life. I knew I had a lot to offer in a relationship. My husband needed the positives I had and have to offer just as I needed what he offers to our relationship.

I still do think of the other guy at times and will probably from time to time. When a thought comes to my mind, I cast it down and get busy with other things. I only share this story that is so private, in this open forum to drive the point home I guess that we sometimes never see an end to the feelings we might have for a person. If they are toxic to us, we have to love and respect ourselves enough to move on and do what is healthy for us. I am so thankful for my life I have with my husband. The love I have for my husband is a deep, healthy, long lasting love. That is not to say we have not had our rough spots or disappointments, anger at times, sadness, etc. but through it all, he has been steadfast in my life. Please give yourself a chance for future happiness by choosing well. It takes discipline for us not to dwell on thoughts at times but it is paramount in securing a happy future.

As a footnote so to speak: I never regret my choice or wish I had chosen differently. That is not to say, I have never wondered about the "what if's" but I chose well and it was a good choice. If I had it to do over again, I would still chose to walk away from a person who I could not trust and would chose my husband over all the guys I had ever dated.

Buzzin, I feel like I just opened up my soul to you and millions of others and am feeling a bit vulnerable for having done so. I just know the rewards of choosing well and want that for you and others also.

I have felt the same way, a few times. But 30 years later I'm more than happily married. You can see my "letter to the exes" where I have thanked them all for dumping me, because I eventually ended up with my true soul mate, and have babies, and grand babies, and no regrets. That doesn't mean every now and then, those exes don't haunt my thoughts, and days of past loves, don't lead to those wistful sighs, of good memories. They do. Still I wouldn't go back for all the gold in the world. You'll see.

Dear, we all have cried over spilled milk in our lives. But we also have had our joys and will always have our memories. That's what makes us who we are.

Even though I am alone now, but a very happy mother and grandmother, I have had wonderful men in my life who I will love till I take my last breath. The only mistakes I made were to keep my ex-husband too long, and to stay with my current ex-boyfriend until he threw me out because I have cancer. So, you see, we all go on that rollercoaster - sometimes not by choice, but it happens to us all. (they were both control freaks and abusers - I just realized it too late)

You will do fine, and you too will have your good memories and grow stronger and be more selective so that you will gain the chance to really be happy with your future choices.

Keep us posted and best wishes in your healing process!

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JREBEL7 - Thanks for opening up. Believe it or not, it is helpful to have some insight from someone with more experience and a different perspective based on where they are in life. So you basically had to make a choice to not see your ex anymore, even though you may still have had strong feelings. It almost sounds like you conditioned yourself to suppress those feelings when they arose.

CHERY - Thanks for sharing your experiences. The fact that someone through you out because you got cancer is just crazy! If nothing else it at least showed you his true colors.

TALANIMAN - I only hope I have such a positive outlook like you do later in life. Hopefully I can look back on all this and realize it was for the best and I ended up with the person I was meant to all along.

Well I've been feeling more and more like I miss my ex, so when I spoke to her I told her she could move back in. The next day I changed my mind and decided I wanted to give her a second chance, but that she would have to move back to the same city as me and get her own place (with roommates or whatever if it makes it easier to afford). I told her I would help her get on her feet here and find a place that is dog friendly, etc. Hopefully this puts the ball back in her court and puts the decision on her. I just can't see her moving back in my house and becoming a mooch. I think she pretty much takes the easy route all the time. When she lived with me she worked about 15 hours per week and was always broke and asking me to help pay for things. She never paid any rent or bills. It was stressful having to be responsible for her. I would really like to give her a second chance but I can't have a monkey on my back holding me down either. So my compromise was offering to help her find her own place here so we could date and see how things went and EASE back into the relationship. I don't think she's going to do it because its difficult to have to pay your own rent and move in with roommates you don't know, etc.

I also came up with a list of 20 qualities I want in my perfect woman. She was missing a few (financially responsible, healthy, etc). Logically I see this as a problem, but I feel like maybe I won't find someone better and I should accept her flaws and look past them.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch TV until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(

I also came up with a list of 20 qualities I want in my perfect woman. She was missing a few (financially responsible, healthy, etc). Logically I see this as a problem, but I feel like maybe I won't find someone better and I should accept her flaws and look past them.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch tv until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(


There is nothing wrong with listing what you look for in a mate, as long as they are realistic. You shouldn't let loneliness blind you to the point where you are willing to "take things as they are" and work hard everyday to overlook something you don't want. Instead of looking for the perfect woman, how about you continue being the best man you can be, then the right woman can see. There is nothing wrong with internet dating, it doesn't make you a looser, your just expanding your options. Marketing yourself... Have you tried going to Jazz events, poetry, artistic expression events. Perhaps, doing something that makes you feel happy. Enroll at a college, take up a class. You are a single man! Solitude is the perfect oppurtunity for you right now! You can do anything you Want. You don't have to go to a bar/club smoke, and drink. Take a course do something you always wanted to do. Change your look cut your hair. Feel good about yourself. Once you achieve that Self love, you will realize that "Wow I am a great guy" I am going to make someone happy one day. The best things come to those who wait.. those who are patient. Those who really want it.. Don't settle for the ex, and take her back because you fear to be lonely, and you know that she needs you for financial stability is that what you really want?

Once you achieve that Self love, you will realize that "Wow I am a great guy" I am going to make someone happy one day.
Had to spread the rep, again, but your so right. As we love ourselves, and make ourselves happy with who, we will find someone to share that happiness with. Throw the list away until then.

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal




No, never settle for anything less then what you want. You should never have to settle for less in any situation. You get what you want, and she is not what you want. You're trying to believe she is what you want, she's not.

There is nothing wrong with using the internet to find someone. There have been plenty of couples who have found love on eharmony and many other dating sites.




You also said that "I just hate to think 30 years from now I might have wished I made a different decision." You're going to do that anyway no matter what. There will always be that "I wish I did this" or "what if I did that instead."

Just don't settle for anything less then what you want. If you do then there will be a lot of resentment.

Settling for less than you want, will bite you in the butt later. Just have a life you enjoy until "she" comes along.
The fear of lonliness, or being alone, is a lousy excuse to settle.

I also think I don't have much opportunity to meet women. My job has me behind a desk and its not like pretty young women come walking through every day. When I go home after work I pretty much play with my dogs and watch tv until its time for bed. I don't like drinking or smoking so I pretty much stay away from bars (plus the only girls I ever met in bars were ex-strippers and the kinds I didn't like bringing home to Mom!). I guess that leaves me with internet dating and the random chance encounter at a grocery store (never happened for me).

I guess I should be OK being alone or being with someone less than ideal. =(

You don't know what's out there, some might even be better than the 'mooch'.

Also, as far as I know, most restaurants don't allow smoking anymore, and you can order a gingerale in a wine glass, or soda with lemon while having a nice meal and looking around for a couple of girls you can meet. And, I'm sure you take your dogs to a park or out for long walks and there are certainly women dog owners who do the same. So these are no excuses...

You are just fearful of taking that first step in meeting someone new and maybe being rejected - but this happens to all of us and we keep on trying. That's what life is all about - not giving up, and taking risks to reach better goals. You don't need to 'search or find' anyone right away, just start a routine that gives you a chance to see if you can handle being in public by yourself with your dogs and look around for a while - time will help you in feeling when it is right to approach and get to know someone. Watch the eyes and body signals - it just might surprise you.

So, stop making excuses and start living.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE) As a boss of mine used to say ''Suck it up'' and look forward.
Oh, that list of qualities... you might change them as you grow and maybe list your own and see what woman might be looking for in you too. Being maudlin and making excuses are not qualities I would look for in a man.