Just looking for some advice on a certain subject that seems to be hindering the growth of a relationship I am in. A little background first, I have been dating this woman for about 5 months, it has been a truly wonderful experience as we seem to connect on many levels and just have that "it" factor. It had even progressed to both her and I openly discussing the possibility of marriage. We are both divorced and have tried not to throw that term around without much thought.

Recently( 2 weeks ago), she told me she thought she was still dealing with some feelings for a guy she dated a year ago. Now, at the beginning of our relationship she told this man that she could no longer have a close friendship with him as it might make me feel uncomfortable( which I was very thankful for), still, this has thrown me for a loop as it makes me wonder if this issue has been there the whole time and I just didn't see it.

My girlfriend doesn't think it's that big of a worry but when I bring it up she seems to get upset and even seem to have regrets about them not making it. We are both now going through a tough spot as I have kind of put up my defenses and she is reacting to my distance. If anyone can give me some feedback I would really appreciate it.

How is she reacting to your distance? She should be understanding that when you tell a man "hey guess what I still have feelings for my ex" that will bring a defensive wall up. Now I hate to say it but before you can truly move to a higher level of commitment and intimacy those feelings have to subside. Doesn't mean you have to end it but it does mean that things need to slow down and there needs to be lots of communication. What is she doing?

Thanks for the reply. Right now she is worried that we won't make it because she believes we may have some vast personality differences. The thing is we have both known this from the beginning, that we are two different people with different thoughts and feelings. Never was an issue until I got upset over this "getting over an ex issue". She's telling me she loves me and adores me. She also wants us to just hang out and be around together to strengthen us back up.

The thing that frustrates me is that when I asked her what she would have done if the roles were reversed. She told me she would have been very upset and would need a lot of reassurance. I haven't gotten much of that which makes me worry as well. I guess I was just wondering if I blew it out of proportion.

First of all you're acting quite naturally, you haven't overblown it. She seems like an insecure person who doesn't know what she wants. You are at risk of being hurt. I bet she's in her early twenties. She is at an age where some women have a bit of an uncertainty with how they want to spend the rest of their lives. It's evident in the fact she is making up issues that aren't at the forefront, such as personality differences. Everyone's personality is different. It's not necessary for her to point that out. The real question is whether you both fulfill each other. It seems she is at crisis with that very notion. At your stage it is very common. The best advice I can give you is to be assertive, strong (not clingy) and communicate with her. By that I mean you have two paths you can take. One you can cater to her desires and whims and bend over and say "ok well let us see if you really want me", or you can take the initiative and say "well maybe we need some time away from each other to reassert whether we want this relationship". Now the first way may show her that you are willing to stick through it but it may not give her the time to sort out her confused head. The second way will give her time to think (as well as give you time to analyze whether this really is a good relationship for you) and will show her that you are strong enough and man enough to say, "hey I'm capable of accepting life either way". I didn't get the whole "I have feelings for my ex" speech but I got all the other things. My ex was also "confused". I took the first path, I tried to stick through it but merely ended up putting a bandaid on a wound that needed stitches. IMO you should be true to yourself and tell her you need time. If you withdraw it will make her miss you and if she is truly yours and in love with you she will be back and will be willing to work it out. In either scenario Godspeed!