I came across my husband looking extremely guilty while using his mobile phone on New Year's Day. I innocently asked if he had received a message. I could tell by his reply he was lying. I asked to see his phone. He refused and ran off with it to the bathroom where he presumably deleted everything. I immediately suspected an affair and begged him to tell me the truth. He eventually said it was a New Year's Day message from a female colleague who signed off with 'love xxx' and he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would be cross. I accepted this explanation.

Things went back to normal between us. A few months later, I felt that he was very distant. I began to have suspicions and for the first time in 20 years of marriage, looked through his papers. I found a recent receipt for a piece of jewellery. I immediately questioned him about it. How had be bought expensive jewellery for? It was not for me or for either of our daughters.

His explanation was that a male colleage had seen a piece of jewellery while in London but not bought it at the time. He later wished he had and asked my husband to buy it for him.
I digested this story for a few days and decided it did not ring true and that much as I wanted to believe it, I did not. I told my husband this. He stuck to the story.

Again and again, I asked for the truth. He stuck to the story. Then his mobile phone bill arrived. I opened it, found a number that was cropping up a lot and phoned it. It was a Dutch woman who I had never heard of. She said her name. I asked my husband who this person was. He said it was complicated.

To cut a long story short. The jewellery was for her. The texting on New Year's Day was with her. He had been having a secret 18-month long email and phone relationship with her. I did not even know she existed. He said he only met up with her on a few occasions. He said there was no physical relationship. He said she was a business contact and 'just a friend' and he did nothing wrong.

I asked him to stop all contact with her. At first he flatly refused. I kept on. I contacted her. I told her business partner what her approach to 'business' was like. Eventually I think she decided to stop contacting my husband.

I believe there is no longer any contact between them so I have what I wanted. The trouble is I cannot forget how my husband lied to me over a period of months when I tearfully, honestly, lovingly begged him for the truth. I struggle with the fact that he was so dismissive of my feelings and heartless and that for some time at least, he put her before me, when I had always believed that we had a good relationship.

Our relationship is to all intents and purposes 'back on track' except that I still feel so badly hurt and betrayed by his lies and his actions. How can I be sure he is telling me the truth now? How can I be sure something like this will not happen again? How can I be sure he will not jump up and run to her if she suddenly decides to re-establish contact?

Please help!

Dutch,

Please, stop reading into his activities things that may not be there. There is after all a chance that what he has told you was the truth. There is also the very real possibility that he was lying. Do you remember the song that said, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

I'd suggest that you talk to a lawyer about what would happen if you decided to sue for a divorce based on his suspected infidelity. That will give you some idea on what you would be facing if his actions warrant such a step.

Also, the next time the vagabond gets home, sit his sorry fanny down and find some way to get his solid attention. Once you have that, tell him what your fears are and exactly what you are feeling about his behavior while at home. Let him know that you are being driven to a panic state because of your fears and tell how you would like to be comforted.

Us guys are as dumb as a waterlogged tree stump when it comes to feelings and fears. We don't know how to handle them so we bury that stuff under "Misc" never to deal with again.

Thanks Donf for your answer. I don't think I made myself very clear in my post. You're right - I'm just working myself up into a state of panic. And for a waterlogged tree stump you sound quite comfortable with feelings.

After 20 years of marriage I'd like to avoid divorce. Too many people would get hurt, besides which I still love my husband.

I've tried to sit him down and explain my worries, but somehow it doesn't really work. He dismisses my feelings, says the situation is better now, and somehow the subject gets changed.

I am probably being overly suspicious but I just have this feeling that he is not telling me the whole story and the whole truth.

Dutch,

As to my comfort with feelings, blame my lady. As far as she is concerned, I am a work in progress. She's been working on educating me for the last 43 years. Of course, we've been married for 42 of the 43.

Believe me we guys find more ways to inflict pain on our ladies without ever noticing. My problem is that when I do something dumb, I'm called on it there and then and asked to explain myself.

I'm not an advocate of divorce. I believe that my "Vow" is just that. It has very strong meaning. Early on in our marriage, I was constantly in trouble for not thinking first.

My one cardinal rule is that if I don't think I can tell my wife, what I'm about to do, then I don't do it.

There must be something that gets hubbies attention, for example a Pot Roast over noodles and gravy. If that's a weak spot, use that. Fix the meal get the smell all over the place. Get everything ready to serve, sit him down and talk to him first. He is able to dismiss you because you let him. Stand your ground. Ask how it is possible for him not to care about something that is causing you so much trouble. It is very important that he understand that these issues are yours, not his or his actions but they are tying you up in knots.