View Full Version : Ex girlfriend Pregnant! Any hope of getting back together one day?
snuffy
Nov 4, 2007, 02:52 AM
My girlfriend and I finished 2 weeks ago.
I knew in a way that things were not right for a few weeks, I'd noticed a sudden coldness and hostility.
I'd questioned her about going out because I suspecte she would be cheating, though I back-tracked immediately.
I made an issue of an ex boyfriend showing up at her door at 2am, which she said showed I did not trust her. I assured her I did trust her but that it was undeniably suspicious behaviour from her.
Then we broke up, I cried, begged etc etc. I know it was all wrong to do, so after I'd done all that on the Saturday 20th October; I didn't cry anymore, I came on here and read about break-ups and got support from here.
I decided last week that we should remain good friends since we would be seeing each other at parties and I didn't want any awkwardness.
Then bang! She tells me she is pregnant.
So I was asking her a million questions, allsorts going round my head at this shocking news.
I said it would be best for baby if we were together but that I loved her still for her and wanted her to consider any chance of us getting back together. She is adamant she will not; and it is killing me.
I know I have really good prospects, I'm still to finish my university Law degree so I have a good chance in the future of a decent job.
I would be good for her but I guess she has to realise this herself, and me trying to persuade her will be counter-productive.
I have offered my full support any time she wants it, so she knows this.
My question is: Given the new complicated scenario of her being pregnant, is there really any way she may see in the future that maybe we could at least try to make a go of it.
I've been asking her and my friends, and aparently it seems the reason for us splitting up was that I was around her too much and didn't allow her enough space. I didn't even realise I was doing this, and she never hinted. But they say that she bottles things up and doesn't reveal her emotions, which I guess is true.
I am seriously considering going over to a relatives 4000 miles away in america for 3 months to get away for a while.
Will me not being around for that length of time make her miss me. He knows I am madly in love with her. I really am. But I know that being around her will make her more certain that she will never get back with me.
Do any of you know of a situation like this which has ended in the partners getting back and at least trying to make a go of things?
Have stranger things happened. In my head there is no hope and it is killing me.
I just want to have that chance, if it doesn't work out the fine. I know I won't repeat the same mistakes.
I want to be a great daddy and a great partner; I know she would not regret getting back, but at the momenbt it seems there is more chance of me getting to the moon in my car.
Please help.
statictable
Nov 4, 2007, 08:14 AM
Yes the chances are very good for a future relationship to develop as the child grows. The child's mother will want the child to have a father and the birth father would be most desirable.
Not real clear on her feelings at this time but would think she's facing so many choices and must make many decisions and for better or for worse she's listening to some of her friends as you may be doing and this is the time to put questions to a very reliable and mature person who can speak from the mind and heart. PS is child's birth-father 100% determined? Was birth control used at any time? Be safe and stay healthy.
linds03
Nov 4, 2007, 08:24 AM
She will come back to you... give her all the time she needs. If you told her you'll always be there for her, she knows that she can make contact at any time. Let her be and she will miss you, for sure. Best of luck.
snuffy
Nov 4, 2007, 10:51 AM
She will come back to you....give her all the time she needs. If you told her you'll always be there for her, she knows that she can make contact at any time. Let her be and she will miss you, for sure. Best of luck.
I REALLY hope so. Just right now she is 100% certain that me and her will not get back together. Quite how she is so sure I don't know; although me hassling her about it is probably a good reason why she is so resolute.
I know that smothering her was the only mistake I made. I was never abusive in any way, just maybe by her side too much. I would certainly have backed off had she said I was smothering her.
It is so hard right now to let go and to leave her be. All logic suggests she might change her mind but at the moment I cannot see it.
I know people can go from on eextreme to another so I guess disappearing is the ONLY way she can think and miss me.
I'm just worried that asking to get back has totally damaged this hope.
This is not fair at all.
I am painfully in love; and even more so now that I know she is carrying our child. It is the most beautiful thought in the worl dthat there eis a life growing inside of her.
Please to God, if I achieve nothing else all I want I sone more chance with her. If it fails so be it; I just want that chance because I know she would lve me again given the chance.
She would not regret it.
madaman
Nov 4, 2007, 12:54 PM
Couple questions:
I sort of remember your story, why do you want to get back with her?
And how can you be sure the child is yours?
linds03
Nov 4, 2007, 02:32 PM
You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby... I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you... keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. Let me know. Take care.
snuffy
Nov 4, 2007, 03:13 PM
Couple questions:
I sort of remember your story, why do you want to get back with her?
and how can you be sure the child is yours?
I want to get back with her because I genuinely love her, and I think the pregnancy situation changes the whole dynamics of everything.
I know we could be good together again.
If it doesn't work out after having another chance then fair enough. It's just that I know I could make her happy and she could be happy with me.
I am still going to finish my final year of university in my law degree and this will help somewhat in ensuring I have the best possible career options.
I think I just need to back off and stay even out of her sight. I don't want to be in the same room.
She has to come to me for me to know she truly wants me back; and even then I would be cautious and talk honestly with her about how things might be.
I really want to be a great Daddy.
I am 99% sure that this baby is mine, I will know better when the dates come out. This is not about screwing me for my money when I eventually get a decent paycheck because I wouldn't give them money. I would buy the baby whatever it needs myself not give cash over. So there is no advantage for her to have th ebaby purely to get money from me. It will not work that way, if that's what she maybe has in mind.
I seriously do love her despite her cheating on me. She is some years younge rbut this is not a problem itself.
I'm going to be patient abouyt this whole thing. It must cross her mind one day to give it a go with me. When reality kicks in to her.
I really believe I am a good guy and I want to do what's right, and I just want to be happy.
snuffy
Nov 5, 2007, 11:18 AM
You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby...I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you...keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. let me know. Take care.
In my head I know I have to be out of sight of her totally; I canno tmove on though.
I would feel terrible to find a new girl, and I feel a strong moral obligation to stick around as well as a desire to do so.
I hope and pray she will miss me and consider trying to be with me again.
I want to be there for ante natal appointments and scans.
I'm excited yet so forlorn abou this whole sorry episode. If only I had given her space weeks ago everything would be OK.
snuffy
Nov 13, 2007, 04:11 AM
UPDATE:
After totally backing off for a while, she is now talking to me and friendly enough.
I have stated that I want this baby no matter what. Even if she never wants to be with me again.
I think that's the best attitude.
She said I can come to scans :)
So for now I am much happier. I'm meeting other women. I have great friends who are supportive of me and the situation.
Would love her to get back with me but I'm bracing myself for that to never happen.
Let's hope!
snuffy
Dec 12, 2007, 10:59 AM
Ok, Many of you may have read abou my ex.
To sum up, she dumped me about 8 weeks ago, told me she was pregnant about 6 and a half weeks ago.
Well, I have kept contact to a minimum, I would have no contact whatsoever if she were not pregnant.
As she is pregnant I do occasionally call her to see how she is and show that I care at least what she is going through.
When we broke up she told me she definitely does not want to be with me anymore - she just 'knows' is what she said.
This was her view, despite being pregnant.
However she does seem to be at parties that I attend. I am very at ease around her and extremely cool calm and assured around her.
What is confusing me now is that I am hearing from friends of hers that 'she is really missing me.' This came a week ago after we went to the 12 weeks scan for our baby. This friend asked her 'do you think you and him will ever get back,' aparently she replied she really misses me but hates being horrible and y to me.
So is it really her that is the problem? She seems to have a problem admitting if she feels for me. And in person she can be blunt and snappy with me. I do not react badly to this at all.
What should I do, Should I continue the coolness and no contact thing? Or should I ask her whether we can try to work something out, not necessarily right now though.
I really am confused now. In an ideal world I would love to be with her; but on the other hand I am simply not willing to accept any crap from her and I am not going to sell myself short. In other words she should work for the relationship too, not just me.
Just an update on how I see her. Yes love her and would like to be with her. But in my mind I can be without her and I can find another woman. This is partly through necessity.
In short, I am not desperate. But I would like her back.
how do I proceed?
What is your advice?
And what does her saying she 'misses me lots' really mean? I'd be especially interested to hear from women, as you may have more of an idea how women think!! :D
regards, Snuffy.
charlotte234s
Dec 12, 2007, 12:41 PM
If you both love each other and want to be together, get back together.
If not, don't bother. Be there for the baby, obviously, but don't be with her just because she is pregnant, just make sure you provide support emotionally, monetarily if it's your baby, etc. and you let her know you want to be in the babies life, but you two cannot be together.
The mother and father bond is different than the boyfriend and girlfriend bond, do what's best for both. You can be a father withought being a boyfriend, or you can be both if you think that's what's best.
talaniman
Dec 12, 2007, 05:03 PM
Don't pin your star on the words of friends, as her action don't match what you have been told, so do as your doing and take care of your child, and work with her as far as that goes, but a relationship?? She is very clear on that. Forget it. Maybe all she wanted was a baby, who knows? Either way I would get a life without her.
ISneezeFunny
Dec 12, 2007, 06:46 PM
I somewhat agree with Charlotte, but from my point of view... she could just be missing you due to loneliness. In that case, do you really want to be there for a little bit until she tells you that she just "knows" again? Granted, there's no real way of finding out if she's for real or not, that's entirely your decision. Think about it clearly. But def, you can be a father without being a boyfriend. Do take care of your responsibilities.
snuffy
Dec 16, 2007, 02:55 PM
An update; I saw her last night at a mutual friend's house. I had called her in the day to see how she is and ho wthe pregnancy is going. All was friendly and amicable. I said that I was going over to this house for a couple of drinks and asked if she wanted to go and she said yes.
So, we're at this house. I was all normal and cool. Asked how how she was and she was lke 'yeh I'm ok' but her demeanour was somewhat short and sharp.
Her Step mother and younger sister were there too. They were absolutely fine with me.
I had been thinking about what I was told the week before about her saying that she really misses me, so I kind of expected her to be a little warmer with me.
Anyway, her step mum made a comment jokingly about me being 'almost family' (obviously due to the pregnancy) and the ex then made a very snide remark along the lines of 'pffft he's no part of my family! '
The cattiness of the remark really pissed me off and it was designed to be hurtful I think. She could not see I was affected by it as I ignored it, but I am affected by it to a degree.
What I cannot understand is why she would be so cold, distant and making waspish remarks about me. It is as though she resents me, and I simply do not understand why. There's no reason for this. Well nothing I have done anyway.
I have been getting on with my life, I seldom bother her or call her (maybe once a week if that) and I talk on msn if she initiates a conversation. So I have not been begging for her back or anything like that. I have dealt with the unfortunate situation very well.
So it is really bizaree why she feel sth eneed to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her??
I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me.
Could she be jealous that I am getting on with life and 'appear' happy while she is seemingly unhappy (with what I do not know).
In any case, I (foolishly perhaps) sent her a text later that night saying .'I miss you and wish that we could work something out.xx'
Can anybody speculate as to what this behaviour from her is set out to achieve? To Drive me away? To Piss me off? To drag me to unhappiness?
I would take her back if she wanted it, and if she was willing to put in equal effort.
I just can't see it now, and I worry a lot. I worry that she is going to play games with me regardingthe baby that is born in June - which would be very sad indeed.
Yours confused and disillusioned.
Snuffy.
talaniman
Dec 16, 2007, 06:28 PM
Hi Snuffy, Understand that she is pregnant, and her body is carrying a human life, and her hormones and emotions are raging, as she is preparing to bring life into the world. Don't take her rages personally, as she goes through this process, just love and support her the best you can. Educate yourself through books and talking to older females about what goes on in females that are pregnant. This time is about her, so put your feelings aside and help her any way you can.
snuffy
Dec 27, 2007, 08:36 PM
Update: I saw her one week ago at a local pub. She was drinking a little; unfortunately there is nothing I can do abou this as it is he rbody and I have no say in it. I'd obviously prefer she did not drink and put her pregnancy at risk.
Anyhow, she was nice to me, friendly enough. So clearly I'm getting mixed signals.
Anyway, I decided I would write her a letter and my intentions are good. Those intentions are that we are at minimum, on friendly terms when the baby is born so that I can see the baby and have no trouble. Though as you know, I would also love to give the relationship a go. Bear in mind, however, that I am OK if she still doesn't want the relationship. Anyhow, here is the letter. I posted it on christmas eve. Do tell me what you think:
"Hi *****,
I hope everything is all right with you; I just wanted to write a letter to you to say a few things that are on my mind and because I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I miss you an awful lot; much more than I realised I would do.
I sometimes just wish I could just sit and have a drink with you and have a laugh especially like we used to when we started meeting up this year. I was so happy the times when I saw you; it was exciting and good fun being around you. I can remember when I had to go back to university it would drive me mad not being able to see you. I told you that you had some kind of magical hold on me; I guess I just really liked being with you and found you to be great to be around. You could make me feel so good and excited to see you.
Back in June I was the happiest I’d been for a long time and everything was going amazingly, and I used to wake up with a spring in my step knowing that I was going out with a gorgeous and amazing girl. Everything was just about having a good time and a laugh and that. I think things started to go wrong for me in general when I had that injury and ended up in hospital. It changed a lot of things in my life, it stopped me doing exams and stopped me being able to work for weeks. I realise I was really down and lost my confidence and did not see it at that time. Other people noticed me being less happy with everything and it is true, I was such an idiot a lot of the time then. I ended up being stupidly insecure, clingy and jealous and it’s not a good thing. I was totally wrong. I make no excuses for being like that. I made the biggest mistake of my life acting like that and I am sorry for ever making you feel bad. I do know, though, that I have learned from it and I wouldn’t be like that with anyone ever again.
I know that you made the choice to not to be with me anymore and I totally understand why as I was a pain to be around, and I was destroying the good relationship we had by my being jealous and just acting like a total prat. It gave me a big wake up call and a chance to see how my behaviour was making you feel. I got my confidence back and am more like the person I was a year ago. You know that I wish that we could sort something out one day in the future, but I respect how you feel and well if it’s still not what you want then that’s fair enough. It is great to just be a good friend if that’s all it will be, and be a great dad to our baby when it comes. You know I will always be there for support and will always love the baby, as I know that you will be a great loving Mum too. After I finished university I wanted to build some sort of future together, but that’s just a dream right now and if that can’t happen then we can still make the most of it as parents. I really meant it when I said how much I loved you; and I still do.
Anyway, I’ve said what I wanted to say to you and I hope that you are doing well and that the pregnancy is going OK. You know that I am ALWAYS there if you ever want me. I hope you have a really happy Christmas and a happy new year. Missing you.
Love from [Snuffy] x x x"
George_1950
Dec 27, 2007, 10:02 PM
I see words and words about how you feel and what you would like to happen. This is what you said she either says or does: "So it is really bizarre why she feels the need to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her???? I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me."
Other than the baby, it seems she has moved on. It takes two to maintain a relationship and she appears unwilling. She is not worried about your feelings, so perhaps you should not be concerned about hers.
s_cianci
Dec 27, 2007, 10:10 PM
However she does seem to be at parties that I attend.You mean she's drinking while pregnant?
Should I continue the coolness and no contact thing?I would.
but on the other hand I am simply not willing to accept any crap from her and I am not going to sell myself shortNope. Definitely don't take any crap from her and don't sell yourself short.
But in my mind I can be without her and I can find another woman. Absolutely. No reason to think otherwise. In short, you do what is right for you and don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty by her or anyone else. She dumped you to begin with so now you have every right not to take her back. She isn't your child, the baby inside of her (presumably) is. Of course you'll get a DNA test after the birth just to make sure.
s_cianci
Dec 27, 2007, 10:15 PM
Could she be jealous that I am getting on with life and 'appear' happy while she is seemingly unhappy (with what I do not know).I think this is probably the most likely explanation. So just go right on getting on with life and being (not just appearing) happy. If that ignites her fuse all the more then you have your answer.
snuffy
Dec 28, 2007, 05:55 AM
I see words and words about how you feel and what you would like to happen. This is what you said she either says or does: "So it is really bizarre why she feels the need to regularly make remarks which are intended to make me feel unhappy. I am trying to be happy and accept the situation. So what the hell is wrong with her???? I thought that at the very least she would be friendly but I can assure you that in person at least, she seems unfriendly and positively hostile around me."
Other than the baby, it seems she has moved on. It takes two to maintain a relationship and she appears unwilling. She is not worried about your feelings, so perhaps you should not be concerned about hers.
HER loss, then.
lavenderly
Dec 28, 2007, 11:48 AM
A woman is confusing. A woman who just broke up is doubly confusing. A woman who just broke up and is carrying a baby is triply (if there is such word) confusing.
She cannot make up her mind yet on what to do with this situation. You have been doing well by staying by her side. But do not press for more answers from her about her feelings, just for the time being, until her child is born.
Why is she making nasty remarks and pissing u off?
Take for instance, when u were still a kid, u were in bad mood and told your mum to get out of your life forever. Mum remained cool and still check on u once in a while, especially on your wound that u got when u fell off the bike. U miss your mum but u cannot tell her that on her face. When she asks whether u miss her, are u going to say "yeah...i miss u and im sorry i said what i said" or would u say "whatever...stay out of my room!"?
You may apologize if u really love your mum. But in your girl's situation, she is UNCERTAIN whether she loves u or she wants to love u for her child's sake. She is also facing raging hormones and perhaps external advice that confuse her. So she takes it out on you by making sacrcastic comments.
If you are expecting her to apologize and stop the crap you are getting, there is rare chance. At this moment, YOU will have to do all the work in the relationship. She is after all, PREGNANT. However, your efforts might pay off in the long run.
If she treats u with spite and yet misses u (if her friend is trustworthy), you already play a major role in her life. For once, try to be more humble and accept her "test" of your patience. Imagine... if your mum keeps coming back to u despite your yells at her to stay away, u will one day be touched.
Good luck =)
mafiaangel180
Dec 28, 2007, 12:45 PM
Ok, so she broke up with you 8 weeks ago, and after that she said she was pregnant? Oh man, I hate to be the insensitive one in the bunch, but are you sure she's pregnant and it isn't some way of holding on to you? And if she is pregnant, this news DID come after your break up so I would recommend getting a dna test. I'm not saying you shouldn't believe her or whatever. But when a person is dumped, there is all this doubt in the air as it is. And some cold hard facts when it comes to something this big would be nice. I'm only saying this so you can watch out for numero uno.
*bracing myself*
snuffy
Dec 28, 2007, 02:43 PM
Ok, so she broke up with you 8 weeks ago, and after that she said she was pregnant? Oh man, I hate to be the insensitive one in the bunch, but are you sure she's pregnant and it isn't some way of holding on to you? And if she is pregnant, this news DID come after your break up so I would recommend getting a dna test. I'm not saying you shouldn't believe her or whatever. But when a person is dumped, there is all this doubt in the air as it is. And some cold hard facts when it comes to something this big would be nice. I'm only saying this so you can watch out for numero uno.
*bracing myself*
Definitely pregnant. I've been to the scan!
snuffy
Jan 13, 2008, 07:08 AM
It's getting worse and more bizarre.
I know the whole NC thing with an ex is important, but in my circumstances I cannot just do that- as much as I would like to. For she is pregnant so I have to be there to some degree to show my support, and because I am a good-natured person.
Now, I think she is hitting the self-destruct button and I am massively concerned. Let's remember she finished with me and she knew I was gutted about the whole thing. Then finding out she was pregnant, I took it well and thouht that I have to just make the most of the sitiuation. A pregnant ex who steadfastly states that she does not want to be with me at all. (quite why, she never has said.)
So, Friday evening, I went for a drink with a female friend (who I have known for 15 years) at a different bar. We are strictly friends and I'm quite clear on that. Anyway, my friends and my ex included, knew I was going out for a drink with this friend. They, on the other hand, were going to a local bar.
I got text messages FROM THE EX and from my friends who were in the same bar asking me if me and my female friend were coming over to the bar that they were in. I said I'll come on my own because I don't wan there to b any trouble with me coming in with a different girl. They insisted it was OK and suggested I come down to the pub. They promised it would be OK.
Anyway, so around midnight I came with the female friend to the bar, and intent on having a quiet drink and just socialise like a mature adult.
To my absolut ehorror, the pregnant ex was absolutely full-on drunk; had been heavily drinking and behaving erratically.
She knew fine well that this female friend was just a friend. Anyway, th ex took it upon herself to sit with a random guy from the bar (which is fine with me), but she was laughing out loud, exxagerating how great a time she was having and attention-whoring. It looked clear to me that she was trying to make me jealous at her having a good time with this other chap.
The truth of the matter is, she looked pathetic and desperate to make me jealous. I didn't feel an ounce of jealousy, I rather felt pity at her being so loud and erratic. Quite a number of my friends and others in the bar thought she was behaving terribly in front of me.
In any case I could sense a bad atmosphere brewing and decided that I would get up and leave the situation and keep my cool.
A couple of people (and I didn't tell them to do this) said to her that her heavy drinking was stupid and that she shouldn't be bhaving so disrespectfully around the father to be of her child. I said 'leave it'.
Then the guy who was sat with my ex said "I'm the babys daddy" which I ignored. My ex laughed and thought this was hilarious. So a friend of mine said 'it wouldn't surprise me if he was the father." At this point I decided I am definitely leaving the bar.
At this point my ex pushed me in the face quite violently (despite me being quiet, and not saying a word) then said to me "I swear to f**king god that you are no seeing thi sbaby when it is born." I still didn't react to her and just walked out and left the place.
It transpired that after I left people were saying to her that she wa sout of order for saying that to me when I hadn't done anything to deserve it, an dthey were telling her that also she should not be drinking so heavily when 18 weeks pregnant and that she shouldn't be behaving like that with a new guy in front of me.
The ex proceeded to hit two of the girls (including my female friend, who, incidentally, didn't want to leave when I did).
Then she got kicked out by the landlord of the bar.
So, why on earth is she acting this way, and why is she showing such lack of respect to me? I do not understand it.
Also, at about 3am she sent me a text message asking me to 'please ring her' so she could 'explain what went off.' Which is unlike her. I've never known her feel the need to explain herself to me. Why would she do this too?
I'm totally and utterly freaked out and cannot understan dher behavioru whatsoever. I'm terribly oncerned about her drinking, as the other people sitting in the bar were too...
Please advise. What should I do. Totally ignore her now for a few months or what??
Thanks, snuffy.
KalFour
Jan 13, 2008, 07:23 AM
Hi Snuffy,
Wow... And she said she doesn't want you to see the baby? If the poor kid manages to avoid getting foetal alcohol syndrome, it's still going to have a very temperamental mother to deal with as well as being in a single parent family.
I can't say I have any idea why she's behaving like this. I imagine she's pretty confused and upset by her situation. It doesn't justify what she said or did, but it's still best to try to be patient with her.
If you want to be involved in the child's life, best to try to keep things honest and polite with you and your ex, but it probably wouldn't hurt to distance yourself from her a little.
Good luck,
Kal
simoneaugie
Jan 13, 2008, 09:01 AM
Snuffy,
She was drunk. Alcohol causes emotion to rise above intellect. Her behavior and words were probably linked to real feelings she has. Not that you can do anything about it. Also, her body is hers. If she wants the baby to drink along with her, what can you do?
Please don't kick yourself or turn into a pretzel trying to figure it out. When she is sober, ask if she is willing to do a paternity test. If the baby is yours, then you need to decide what steps to take next. Her behavior indicates that she will be a poor mother. Are you willing to take full responsibility for the child?
Simone
talaniman
Jan 13, 2008, 02:44 PM
What's wrong with this picture. You accept an invitation to socialise at a bar you KNOW your prenant ex is at. Not a good decision. Don't let the actions of drunks color your common sense. And trying to be Mr. Nice guy in light of what you have already gone through, not a very good decision. Stay away from this fruitcake until the child is born, you know its yours, and send a child support check every month, and let the courts give you joint custody, and liberal visitations. You have been try to force her to accept your help and support, a long time and she has rebuffed you and been adament about you coming no where near her. She's a nut, leave her alone.
snuffy
Jan 14, 2008, 07:21 AM
Whats wrong with this picture. You accept an invitation to socialise at a bar you KNOW your prenant ex is at. Not a good decision. Don't let the actions of drunks color your common sense. And trying to be Mr. Nice guy in light of what you have already gone thru, not a very good decision. Stay away from this fruitcake until the child is born, you know its yours, and send a child support check every month, and let the courts give you joint custody, and liberal visitations. You have been try to force her to accept your help and support, a long time and she has rebuffed you and been adament about you coming no where near her. She's a nut, leave her alone.
She is adamant I don't come near her? YET, she appears at every party I attend, and asks me if I'm coming to the pub where she is. Something is anomalous here.
Her behaviour is 'nutty' as you say and seems irrational. I wish I coul dunderstand why she does what she does. Why feel the need to give me hassle. I don't ask her to join me out. I don't ask her to come to parties that I attend; it's her doing the asking.
She's pregnant - but what do you suggest? Abandon her entirely until shortly before birth?
And should I just sit and let her drink stupidly. It's my baby too.
talaniman
Jan 14, 2008, 05:29 PM
Snuffy, She is adamant I don't come near her? YET, she appears at every party I attend, and asks me if I'm coming to the pub where she is. Something is anomalous here.
Either you have mutual friends, which your last post says you do, or she is keeping an eye on you.
Her behaviour is 'nutty' as you say and seems irrational. I wish I coul dunderstand why she does what she does. Why feel the need to give me hassle. I don't ask her to join me out. I don't ask her to come to parties that I attend; it's her doing the asking.
Of course you never thought to avoid her, and stay out of trouble, she is a nut, a pregnant nut.
She's pregnant - but what do you suggest? Abandon her entirely until shortly before birth?
YES!!!! keep your distance until the child is born.
And should I just sit and let her drink stupidly. It's my baby too.
To date you have done nothing to stop her, or threatened to call social services, so you may as well leave her alone, unless your prepared to take action. If you aren't at the bar she may not be either, but she is a nut, so no telling.
snuffy
Jan 24, 2008, 04:56 PM
Hey all; most of you are probably familiar with my sordid story with the pregnant ex girlfriend.
So, I've been thinking: I know these are things that have been suggested to me before but ah well, I'm trying to add up things in my head:
(1) Ok - so she (as far as I know) still does not want to be with me. Fair enough; I understand why and how relationships end, and what role I may have played. Fair enough. I realise that once it's over, it's over. I can live with that quite happily.
(2) she's pregnant, tells me it is mine, in fact the other week she repeatedly told me it wa smine, she was drunk mind. The drunkenness may explain the repetition, or it could be that she doesn't know and is trying to convince me and hence herself too.
(3) I am grappling with the idea that the baby really is not mine - this is for a few reasons (I'm just guessing here because I don't know for sure.): Here is why:
(a) She has been absolutely adamant that she does not want to be with me. Totally dead against it, not even a 1% chance of even trying as far as I can gather. This in itself I find odd.
(b) I have accepted this and gave her every impression that I can deal with this and get on with her in a friendly way for the sake of the baby. However, as recent previous events demonstrate; she cannot be friendly with me at all, I am still getting a brick wall, even though I do not ever bring up our relationship. I get nastiness even from just saying hi how are you.
(c) She cheated before with me, at least once that I know of. And lied coldly about it, and would easily do it again. Showed no remorse whatever for doing it.
(d)
Is the brick wall she is putting up and the why behaviour there to keep me at a distance for when the does hit the fan.?
(3) she has already started using the baby as a weapon against me. I have already been threatened that I will not see it after it is born. Again she was drunk when she said it, but I did not even provoke that myself. Furthermore, even if I was to say something nasty back to her, it never justifies using the baby as leverage.
(4) The heavy drinking she is doing while carrying a babytotally eradicates any question in my mind of her being worth getting back. She is total and utter trash for doing this. Utterly selfish behaviour on her part. I have brought it up in a non judgemental way and she still thinks it is OK. Its her body though so her choice to risk the baby.
(5) I really, really am failing to comprehend why on arth I put up with her crap for so long when I was with her. I could and should have avoided all of this bulls**t before it happened and involved a new life (baby).
(6) The crappy behaviour and attitude to me: Why oh why oh why if you have even a modicum of decency would you treat another human being so disrespectfully. Especially one who is the putative father of your unborn baby, and one who has done the decent thing and stood by you despite being dumped and treated like all the time. I really really do not deserve this.
IT IS NOT THE FACT that she no longer wishes to be in a relationship with me that hurts me profoundly; it really isn't; I got over that part an drespect her wish to be free and to go out with who she likes. It is the continual hurtful way she is towards me which is giving me hell. I am supposedly to be a daddy soon, but I have to deal with this horrible human being for the rest of my life, and I really cannot be doing with her and her awful ways.
I WILL be seeking a dna test after birth; because I want to know that I am fighting for a being a guardian, protector and loving parent to my own kid, not someone else's. And as unfortunate as it may sound (it is certainly not sour grapes) but all the above says to me that she knows I may not be the father of this baby but can't tell me yet (if she will ever do so at all).
Lastly, the answer to the next part may be obvious, but why can I not speak to/be friends with , or for that matter date other women without her getting in a strop about it? Is it really jealousy or the proverbial DOG IN A MANGER situation??
If she doesn't want me then why can't I be allowed move on. I would understand
If it was me who dumped her; but since it is her who dumped me then it makes no sense whatsoever to me. I am not even jealous of her seeing there men. If she wants to then its her prerogative...
As I say - here is much much more to this whole nightmare situation that meets the eye.
My intution tells me there is something major that I do not yet know, but will come ou eventually. Watch thi sspace.
If anyone can shed some light or speculate what this whole crap is all about then please pass on your thoughts..
SNUFFY.
twinkiedooter
Jan 24, 2008, 06:09 PM
I read back on some of your questions to get some kind of handle on your situation.
I have a few questions for you... ok? How do you know she is pregnant? If she is, then just how far along is she?
The fact she is drunk so much of the time is not good for a fetus. That child is a good candidate for fetal alcohol deformities. Does this girl even know about the consequences she is literally giving to her unborn child?
Have you talked to her parents about you, she and the unborn child at all?
Don't understand her except it shouts GAME PLAYER big timein big neon signs to me.
friend4u178
Jan 24, 2008, 06:46 PM
Snuffy
Get the DNA tests and if its yours you have along road ahead because you have a responsibility to do your part , and if it is yours you will have rights to see the child. I suggest you go on the "Family Law" forum , there are people there who know the in's and out's of your rights far better than me.
If not yours run for the hills. This girl sounds nothing but trouble to me.
As far as you not being allowed to see other people that's just BS , don't let her decide that , you should be able to do as you please. She dumped you so not her choice.
ampersandra
Jan 24, 2008, 09:15 PM
Like what twinkiedooter has said, I would be wary about your ex making claims about being pregnant.
Beyond this, how is she harassing you? Isn't there any way for you to minimize contact with her? It honestly doesn't seem necessary to continue much communication with her until you can see for sure that there's a bulge in her belly and/or the baby is born so that you can do the DNA test.
The reason I say this is because YOU ARE LETTING HER AFFECT YOU TOO MUCH. Until everything can be proven, why should you even care about her insults against you? Why should you listen to her rant and rave about the people you're dating? I'm sure by now, you've already done your part in trying to convince her to stop drinking for the sake of the baby, etc. You've done what you could. There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of. If she has trouble respecting you, that's her problem.
talaniman
Jan 24, 2008, 10:25 PM
Part, no, most of the problem is your listening to a crazy drunk. Disappear from her life until the baby is born.
snuffy
Jan 25, 2008, 01:49 AM
Like what twinkiedooter has said, I would be wary about your ex making claims about being pregnant.
Beyond this, how is she harassing you? Isn't there any way for you to minimize contact with her? It honestly doesn't seem necessary to continue much communication with her until you can see for sure that there's a bulge in her belly and/or the baby is born so that you can do the DNA test.
The reason I say this is because YOU ARE LETTING HER AFFECT YOU TOO MUCH. Until everything can be proven, why should you even care about her insults against you? Why should you listen to her rant and rave about the people you're dating? I'm sure by now, you've already done your part in trying to convince her to stop drinking for the sake of the baby, etc. You've done what you could. There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of. If she has trouble respecting you, that's her problem.
She is definitely pregant; I have been to the 12 week scan.
Today is the 20 week one. I'm not going though as she wants her Mom there instead. I've asked for a picture.
I know I'm letting her affect me; it's because I'm worried about the baby, and she still has a hold on me because of the baby.
Yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.
talaniman
Jan 25, 2008, 08:14 AM
yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.
Don't look at it as bailing, see it as coping the best way you can, by protecting yourself, and staying healthy for what is to come.
HistorianChick
Jan 25, 2008, 08:31 AM
Mornin, Snuffy...
Well, I've followed your sordid story over the last posts and I must say that your ex is certainly a piece of work.
I think your answer as to why she "won't allow you to move on" is that she may be one of those girls that demands "If I can't/won't/don't have you NO ONE else will!" I'm sorry that you've had to find this out the hard way... you shouldn't have to deal with this.
As to the drinking and the baby... I wish I could tell you what to do to get her to stop endangering the life of this unborn innocent. We all know that drinking while pregnant is one of the worst things to do... Is there any way, since you are the proclaimed father, that you can get some kind of police order or court order for her? (I'm totally clueless as to this whole matter, but there has to be SOMETHING that you can do!)
I'm sorry, snuffy, you're handling this whole situation with stellar grace and compassion. Remember that you're better off without her... a fact I'm sure that you have firmly imprinted upon your mind.
Hope it gets better for you. Good luck! :)
ampersandra
Jan 25, 2008, 10:01 AM
She is definitely pregant; I have been to the 12 week scan.
Today is the 20 week one. I'm not going though as she wants her Mom there instead. I've asked for a picture.
I know I'm letting her affect me; it's cos i'm worried bout the baby, and she still has a hold on me cos of the baby.
yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.
That's exactly the point. It's good that you're worrying about the baby, but make a differentiation between HER and THE BABY. It's not bailing out. Stop thinking that you are. What I'm suggesting is that you try to minimize contact with her until the results come out. You've done your part by asking her not to drink so much. What more can you REALLy do anyway? Are you going to force the bottle out of her hands?
I repeat: There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of.
mafiaangel180
Jan 25, 2008, 10:20 AM
Ok so yeah the law basically states that you can't deny a pregnant woman a drink. But drinking binges are another story, can't you report her to (or at least call) child services and see what they have to say about that? If it helps prevent a sick baby that is what I would do. Then I would disappear until the kid is born, and have that DNA test.
snuffy
Jan 27, 2008, 08:40 AM
I have followed the advice of Talaniman: A further update:
Last night I was at my friend's house playing Poker (I won too!), and was having a drink with everybody. At round 11pm, predictably the ex girlfriend showed up.
Within minutes I just got up and left the house without telling anyone. Just walked home 4 miles away. (I enjoyed the walk in all honesty.)
Afetr an hour she tried calling me numerous times; I ignored the calls. I got a text at 2am asking where I ahd got to. I ignored it.
Then today about 3 hours ago, I got a text from her asking if 'she has done anything to piss me off. Again, I have not replied and don't intend to.
I'm doing the right thing aren't I?
talaniman
Jan 27, 2008, 08:47 AM
Yes, and why would she be showing up at a poker game? HMMM. Doesn't matter, you sent a strong message. Let her be confused, cause your not.
snuffy
Jan 27, 2008, 08:59 AM
Yes, and why would she be showing up at a poker game?? HMMM. Doesn't matter, you sent a strong message. Let her be confused, cause your not.
Thanks, I'll keep you updated.
Hopefully wth time, she will managed to realise she cannot control me anymore and that it's in all our best interests to be friendly for the sake of the child.
And I can no longer be disrespected, manipulated and emotionally abused by her.
Maybe she's realising that it is her loss. It will continue to be her loss, nevertheless.
s_cianci
Jan 27, 2008, 11:02 AM
Sounds like an ex-girlfriend of mine lol! I can't give you any insight on why she's the way she is, other than her alcohol use (and possibly other drugs as well.) I agree that there's something major that you don't yet know (and maybe never will.) But let's get down to business. First of all, is there a chance that it could be yours? If so, and if she truly believes that you're the father then once the child is born she'll probably come after you for child support. Then you'll need to insist on a DNA test (at your own expense, unfortunately). If you're the dad,then you petition for visitation, custody and whatever else you want to ask for. There's no guarantee you'll get everything you ask for but the more you ask for the more you'll get. Be sure to inform the judge of her alcohol use while pregnant (and possible abuse of other substances, given her hostile and erratic behavior.) At this point, all you can do is to do right by the child if in fact it is yours.
snuffy
Jan 28, 2008, 05:59 AM
A further update. Today she sent me a text message asking '"wot is it i have done to piss u off?"
I don't know why she thinks she's pissed me off. I have just decided to avoid her, as advised to on here.
She's paranoid now? Or annoyed she hasn't got me on a leash?
Shall I continue the silence?
Thanks, snuffy
mafiaangel180
Jan 28, 2008, 06:34 AM
A further update. Today she sent me a text message asking '"wot is it i have done to piss u off?"
I don't know why she thinks she's pissed me off. I have just decided to avoid her, as advised to on here.
She's paranoid now? Or annoyed she hasn't got me on a leash?
Shall I continue the silence??
thanks, snuffy
This is her little trick to get you to talk to her. She wants you to tell her... "No, I'm not mad at you." That way you would have broken NC, and then you will be right where she wants you.
Just don't reply to her. Don't give her any peace of mind or anything else she might want.
talaniman
Jan 28, 2008, 08:04 AM
Of course you continue No Contact.
friend4u178
Jan 28, 2008, 03:15 PM
Yep definitely continue NC... feels good not to be on a leash right?
snuffy
Feb 18, 2008, 06:05 PM
Hi, for those familiar with my story you may be more able to explain this:
I had been doing reasonably well with the no-contact thing but a few weeks ago regressed. She had texted me about naming our baby and said it's no thaving my surname as a middle name because she now 'doesn't like it and thinks it's horrible.'
This, despite a freely entered agreement to give the baby my surnam efor its middle name and her surname for his surname. A fair enough deal for me.
Anyway, I wasn't willing to be walked all over on this occasion so asserted myself. I said that I'm not happy with being taken for a mug and if necessary would seek legal advice about the baby's name. This caused a lot of nasty comments and threats that she would 'make it very awkward for rme now.'
I ignored it until recently. She'd called me and I answered and I said can we not sort thi sout amicably and reasonably. She wasn't interested. Told me my name is horrible and thatshe now 'hates me.' since I stood up for rmyself 3 weeks ago.
So does she really hate me? Or is this further attempt at manipulation of me/ my feelings. She thinks this will get to me. I just relied that it was an 'awful, horrible thing to say.'
I guess to a degree it does get to me, though more because it suggests I will have continuing problems with her in respect of this kid.
Would she really HATE me?? That is a strong emotion. Surely not?
P.s After the heated telephone discussion she ended up conceding and allowing me to have the middle name, as originally agreed.
This after me having to be more assertive and aggressive on the phone, and letting her know a few home truths about her disgraceful conduct during the relationship we had, and especially during this pregnancy (the threats that I'll never see the baby etc.) Normally I do not bite or respond with fire.
Maybe being more forceful in my arguments and telling her the truth about how she really can be despicable, have more of an effect on her.
I really wish it didn't have to be this way though.
Snuffy.
Askaboutme
Feb 18, 2008, 08:23 PM
I wish she can understand this is a human life, and she is manipulating the situation, she is going to the extreme by telling you she hate's you, this could also be her hormones kicking in as well, I am sorry that I have not read the previous post, but I can say that you guys need some serious talking before the baby comes, as adults. It is not healthy to bring this bickering about with a new baby coming into this world. You and her have to be civilized and unfortanetly have to deal with each other for the rest of this child life... It seems to me that she is feeling some sort of way about you because of the situation, and being pregnant woemn can me very hormonal, don't take this too personal.. I think you should make peace for your sake and tha sake of this child... What ever bitter feelings you and her share should be set aside and the caring of this child should be first priority... okay I read your previous post, and her behavior towards you and her pregnancy, she has acted selfishly and neglectfully, but not because of any fault of you but because of her own guilt... she wants you to feel bad, (because she feels guilt obviously) I think that you guys need to talk seriously and without anyone putting the blame, let her know that it is about the baby and the well being of this child... let her know you are there for her. Ulitmately, before this baby is born you guys need to talk, and you need to listen, and so does she... for the child sake... make peace with her for the time being and let her know that you are there for her, being pregnant is a beautiful thing but there are also emotional barriers that a man just couldn't comprehend, physical, emotional, and even pyschologically... talk to her when she is ready, be supportive no matrter how much it bothers you... Remember you and her are over its about the future of your child... I hope I helped...
talaniman
Feb 19, 2008, 05:34 PM
Followed all your posts, and my advice is the same as it was before. Leave her alone, and disappear from her life, until she has this child, and is more approachable. For sure you have tried to do the right thing, but it doesn't work. That you are seeing someone else also pisses her off. Enough of this drama, simply stay away, and wait for the child to be born, not easy, I know. But very necessary at this time.
snuffy
Apr 25, 2008, 07:36 PM
It's been quite a while since I have posted anything here. Many of you will be aware of the history of me and the pregnant ex girlfriend.
Here's an update to the situation:
Generally things are going well, in that we are on talking terms (though we hardly talk). No unpleasantness now for the last 11 weeks which is pleasing.
The baby is due 7 weeks today.
I was speaking to mutual friends last week and apparently the following was said just 2 weeks ago:
- That she still 'loves' me. Even after all the drama and hassle and telling me how much she hates me.
- She thinks that hormones are partly responsible for her being so nasty and angry towards me.
- Thinks she may feel differently (ie nice) towards me after the baby is born. Could this mean she may be willing to make a go of things. ( I haven't given up hoping yet )
- She knows I will always do my best for rhe and the kid and knows I am good to her and will be.
She doesn't have any idea that I know what she's said.
So, what do I do? At the moment I am deep in revision for university exams,and that is my focus. They will be finished before 7 weeks. After exams are finished, I will be focusing on the impending arrival of baby.
I will hope to get with her, but at the moment I am still too scared to even suggest that this could happen. She probably has no idea what I am thinking. I really want to make a go of this, and given hard work on both our parts I think it could be successful.
This issue is still very tentative and unresolved.
Please bear in mind though that I have managed to cope very well with the fact she's not with me and I've been gracious and dignified so far. If she said no to us getting back, I could handle it far better than I thought, but I really would love things to somehow fall into place.
How do I proceed??
Thanks guys,
Snuffy
ChihuahuaMomma
Apr 26, 2008, 02:59 AM
I would share your feelings with her, that's the only true way for her to know how you feel. I mean, you already know how she feels. If all feelings are out in the open, then things are easier to discuss between the two of you.
Also take into consideration the reason you broke up. Ask yourself this: Is that something that the child needs to be in the middle of? If that's okay, then proceed.
Fr_Chuck
Apr 26, 2008, 05:48 AM
This is not third grade, where we send messages though friends to see how the otheris.
While this could well be hormones going the other way and she does really hate you but was having the mommy/daddy moment in feelings.
If you are still there for her, tell her
talaniman
Apr 26, 2008, 08:47 AM
Just keep the peace until the baby is born. If she is cool now, don't rock the boat.
She thinks that hormones are partly responsible for her being so nasty and angry towards me.
With a lot of drugs and alcohol which didn't help. Stop rationalizing her bad behavior and bring that child into the world. Then the parents can talk and see about what comes next.
The whole story, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=2720684
Alty
Apr 26, 2008, 10:14 AM
Wow, she loves you, she hates you, you love her, you hate her, she wants to be together, she wants to be apart, ditto for you, the baby's yours, or maybe not, she drinks and she's pregnant. Jeese, I don't know, I say marry the girl, sounds like you'd have a wonderful life together!
Personally, I would wait until the baby is born, get custody and raise your child, she isn't fit to be a parent and you don't need her to raise your child. Why do you want to be with this girl, from what I've read in your previous posts this relationship is volatile at best, why set yourself up for that?
Good Luck.
ordinaryguy
Apr 26, 2008, 11:25 AM
Focus on your child, not on her.
snuffy
May 18, 2008, 03:23 PM
Time has not fully healed me, an I doubt whether it will.
I have become stronger and gained a more detached perspective of the situation, but the fact that my ex is carrying my baby (and due to give birth in 4 weeks) has become a big distraction for me recently.
I am sick and tired of being told be her friends that she thinks she will get back with me after she has given birth to our baby. When all I get is no obvious indication that she feels that way at all.
I do not think that she has had any regard for my feelings and how it is all affecting me, which is grossly unfair, as I am sensitive to her feelings and needs.
This is going o be even harder than I imagined to be able to move on.
It just doesn't feel right that I am about to become a father yet the mother of the baby isn't with me, and still to this day, for no apparent given reason.
I am so frustrated and low about this.
talaniman
May 18, 2008, 04:55 PM
Time has not fully healed me, an I doubt whether it will.
I have become stronger and gained a more detached perspective of the situation, but the fact that my ex is carrying my baby (and due to give birth in 4 weeks) has become a big distraction for me recently.
I am sick and tired of being told be her friends that she thinks she will get back with me after she has given birth to our baby. When all I get is no obvious indication that she feels that way at all.
She ain't with you now, and thats a fact, and has behaved badly for sure. Why would you even care at this point after what you have been put thru, spit at, and rejected, by this very dilly female.
I do not think that she has had any regard for my feelings and how it is all affecting me, which is grossly unfair, as I am sensitive to her feelings and needs.
She doesn't and she wont, and your an ...........for letting her treat you that way. Really guy do you want that for the rest of your life? I would love to aknowledge your good heart, but it is wasted on this idiot. And for far to long, men don't act that way.
This is going o be even harder than I imagined to be able to move on.
You should have started yesterday, or months ago when this started. Being with her is futile, being a father to your child has nothing to do with her anyway. Does it?
It just doesn't feel right that I am about to become a father yet the mother of the baby isn't with me, and still to this day, for no apparent given reason.
She, for whatever reason doesn't care for you nor herself very much, given her actions in your other posts. Forget her just be a good father, thats all you have to do and the court will help with the details if she acts like the idiot she is. You are not alone, this same thing happens to millions of people.
I am so frustrated and low about this.
I can imagine you are but, is it hurting and frustrating enough to motivate you to do the right thing, and be a good dad, despite the crazy ex? Only you can answer that, and I wish you luck!
bigbird213
May 18, 2008, 05:24 PM
I don't know the backdrop to the story but I want to say that you need to beware what you hear through the grapevine. Not all things you hear are in their original unedited context. Friends may spin the meaning of things (knowingly or not) and you might not hear the right information.
Either way, bottom line is the baby should be both of your priorities, and if it isn't hers, maybe you need to do something about that (e.g. custody)...
talaniman
May 18, 2008, 05:38 PM
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=2794249,
HERE IS HIS STORY.
snuffy
May 18, 2008, 05:46 PM
Talaniman,
I'm not EXPECTING anything from her.
What is troubling me is the possibility that she may want me back. She was not a horrible bi***h for the first 7 months that I met her. And she has only really been disgusting towards me since pregnant. The whole thing is inexplicable.
I digress.
What is really troubling me is the thought that she may well really want me back, which is stopping me moving on. I'm not saying I think she will, but I'm not ruling it out.
Surely you appreciate how difficult it is to totally put the idea out of my mind that she may want to sort things out.
I would gladly move on and make myself open to new relationships but I have alrwady witnessed, at first hand, my exs negative reaction to my even going for a drink with another female. (Which suggests to me she hasn't quite totally put me out of the picture.)
I am incredibly sad, angry and frustrated about everything (yes the three elements of depression), though my friends do not realise I am depressed. I hide it.
It is so, so difficult to give up on this. If she was not pregnant it would be easy. But like many things in life, this particular peculiar situation is patently not easy, and it just so, so convoluted and complex.
I am not going to rock the boat now, but please try to understand that I am in some state of suspension, in the regard that I will inevitably have to rock the boat after th ebaby is born, if only to get a final, definitive answer.
"Can we work this out or not, no pressure, no rush, but I need to feel respected again and treated with respect whether you want to make things work again or make it final that we will NEVER get together."
I need an answer about this to close the door on it.
It's yes or no. I'd rather have a resounding no and be treated with respect as baby's daddy than a maybe.
Do you see where I am coming from?
Thanks, Snuffy.
bigbird213
May 18, 2008, 06:54 PM
Snuffy,
The thing is, you will never be able to "close the door". She is the mother of your child, so there will be some involvement between the two of you in the future almost positively. However, you say that she gets upset when you go out so you think she hasn't put you out of the picture.
Look at this situation as if it were your best bud asking you for advice. He tells you that his ex who broke up with him gets angry when he goes out with women, so he is going to stop going out with other women and stop moving on. What would you tell him? Would you tell him that she is good for him? Would you tell him that he needs to talk to her and see if he can work things out?
talaniman
May 19, 2008, 07:31 AM
I need an answer about this to close the door on it.
No you don't! Your a father, or will be, baby mama will be in your life a long time and either you man up and set the pace, then she will as she has already done.
It's yes or no. I'd rather have a resounding no and be treated with respect as baby's daddy than a maybe.
For your own good stop giving her the power to decide your actions, you will never get respect that way.
Do you see where I am coming from?
Yes I do, Inexperience and confusion and hesitation. All the signs of youth. Make your own path is my advice and the hell with what she says.
1-No contact until the baby is born, just to cut down on drama, confusion, and contact.
2-Confirm that it is indeed your child, to cut down on drama, confusion and conflicts later.
3-If its yours, set up child support and visitations thru the courts, along with joint custody. Just because thats the correct thing for a man to do with a contentious baby mama. This will also give you the power of the law, to preserve not only your fatherly rights, but have a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship with your child and be in his/her life. It also takes any BS from her out of the equation.
4-What her friends say is totally irrelevant, as her actions have already put you on notice as to her instability. Do you really think she will change and be Ms. Wonderful, and present you with future happiness? You already have had a preveiw of life with her.
Time to MAN up and do whats right, with or without her, you don't need her consent or approval for anything I have written, do you see where I'm coming from?
ordinaryguy
May 19, 2008, 11:50 AM
Snuffy--
Tal's absolutely right--the course of action you need to follow does not depend in any way on anything she thinks or feels or wants or decides or does. It's not about her at all. If you think it is, you're still not seeing the situation clearly. It's about the baby, and about you.
Step One: Wait until the baby is born.
Step Two: Get a DNA test to find out whether you are, in fact, the father.
Step Three: Wait until Step Two is completed.
snuffy
Jun 15, 2008, 08:24 PM
Hey all,
Just wanted to inform everybody that my baby son was born on Friday morning.
My ex-girlfriend called me in the early hours to ask me to be there (in hospital) and I went.
Seeing your newborn baby has got to be the greatest feeling in the world. It is instant love.
All my fears of the worst happening (not being abe to see baby and getting a hard time off the ex) have not materialised. In fact, she, her family have been absolutely excellent. It is a complete turnaround. I am so, so delighted.
I genuinely think, having talked to her, that she is going to fine with me, as I am with her, and that we are going to be the greatest parents we can be to our baby son, whatever the circumstances are between us.
Seeing that newborn gorgeous baby has taken away all the pain and troubles of the last 8 months. I am so glad that I followed advice and did not do or say anything silly to the ex girlfriend, when it would have been far easier to vent my understandable anger and frustration back at her.
I have managed to not make things worse between us by following Talaniman and others' advice, and this really has, I think, enabled things to be easy, not-at-all awkward, and I am sure we have the foundation to be friendly with each other, co-operative and good parents.
Perhaps, (again, as people on here said to me) I under-estimated the impact of hormones, her relatively young age (18), the fact she will be very scared of what's happening to her body, added to the fact that others will have been filling her head with all sorts of crap. Yes she may have drunk and been obnoxious, but really NONE OF THAT MATTERS. It is all water under the bridge, and like I said that baby has made me, and her, the happiest people on this planet.
I don's expect us to get back together, and it doesn't have any bearing on how we will bring up our baby, but never say never. Maybe, just maybe, one day there is a chance we can all be together. I won't rule it out. With work and mutual commitment, who knows? I'm not going to jump the gun or get hopes high for no reason, but I think it is also healthy to keep an open mind and to go with the flow. I have learnt some very important lessons about myself and about how to react to situations with the girlfriend. In all I feel I have come out of this a far more mature person, and her too.
Yours happy,
Snuffy :)
Ps That baby is 100% mine, he is my double. :) I love my life right now.
NorthernNiceGuy
Jun 15, 2008, 09:15 PM
Congrats!! That's awesome, couldn't be happier for you!
jrsg
Jun 15, 2008, 09:25 PM
ps That baby is 100% mine, he is my double. :) I love my life right now.
That's great! We are all really happy for you! Good luck, and you have a great adventure ahead of you! I hope you enjoy the ride!
Congratulations again,
-Jamie
westnlas
Jun 15, 2008, 09:46 PM
Congratulations. The fact that you and the mother will never be together does unfortunately have great bearig on the way the baby develops. That's kind of sad, but I am sure you will do the best you can for awhile. Again, CONGRATULATIONS.
Any fool can sire a child. It takes a man to be a father.
snuffy
Jun 15, 2008, 10:13 PM
Congratulations. The fact that you and the mother will never be together does unfortunately have great bearig on the way the baby develops. That's kind of sad, but I am sure you will do the best you can for awhile. Again, CONGRATULATIONS.
Any fool can sire a child. It takes a man to be a father.
Never say never ;)
If it ever becomes what we both want, and can be truly a loving and healthy relationship then we can be together one day. (I'm just saying that I don't expect it and that it won't affect how we individually and mutually love and raise our beautiful baby.)
Everything happens for a reason.
Que sera sera.
All we are btoh concened with at the moment is putting our baby as the number one priority and he will remain the number one priority no matter what happens between me and baby mother.
Chery
Jun 15, 2008, 11:17 PM
Congrats!
So glad to hear that she let you in on this special event and that you did get to see him.
Some dads tend to get jealous because the baby needs more attention, but since you don't expect any, you'll be able to give the baby as much attention and love without the 'what about me' part. That will relieve the mom of a lot of stress too - so play your cards right and you might just wind up raising a happy kid together.
Try your best to tolerate her family so that their influence will fade...
Good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)
simoneaugie
Jun 16, 2008, 02:40 AM
You have much to be proud of, and a whole lot to look forward to. Keep growing.
Moomin
Jun 16, 2008, 03:00 AM
Many many congratulations! What fantastic news! I think you will make a fab father!
snuffy
Jun 16, 2008, 04:58 PM
I got my very first father's day card yesterday too. That was a nice touch.
Seeing baby again tomorrow, I am very excited!
I guess the lesson to learn is that things can end up being a lot better than you expect and that the advice was right to be very very patient (to the point of bending over backwards) and appreciating the difficulty that a girl is in when pregnant.
I can honestly say that seeing our baby makes up for all the pain I have ever suffered in the past. My outlook has changed forever.
All so far so good.
Thanks for all your invaluable advice people, and thanks for being there when I have had times of trouble.
Snuffy.
starlite1
Jun 16, 2008, 06:55 PM
Hi Snuffy,
Congratulations!! I wish you all the best! I am so happy for you! And Happy Belated Father's Day :)
tiamokiss
Jun 16, 2008, 10:25 PM
Ohhhh Congrats Snuffy :) Good luck in rasing him up!
Alty
Jun 16, 2008, 10:33 PM
Congrats Snuffy. Any pictures?
snuffy
Jun 17, 2008, 04:23 PM
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d172/Ross_Bradley/RILEYonfathersday2.jpg
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d172/Ross_Bradley/MeandRiley-Firstfeed.jpg
Here; pictures of baby's very first feed, at 20 minutes old, and above, a picture of him on Father's day.
Snuffy
J_9
Jun 17, 2008, 04:39 PM
Congrats Snuffy! He is absolutely gorgeous! A little bundle from heaven!!
How much did he weigh? I'm guessing about 7 pounds 4 ounces?
snuffy
Jun 17, 2008, 04:50 PM
Congrats Snuffy! He is absolutely gorgeous! A little bundle from heaven!!!
How much did he weigh? I'm guessing about 7 pounds 4 ounces?
Thank you, he is beautiful!
6lbs 13 1/2oz
J_9
Jun 17, 2008, 04:58 PM
Ah, I was close! LOL
Babies are such miracles!! I am thankful every time I deliver a beautiful and healthy baby, and to watch the interaction of the families.
You will make a great Daddy, I'm sure of that!!
Alty
Jun 17, 2008, 05:28 PM
He's beautiful, such a sweetie. Enjoy every minute, they grow up way too fast. :)
talaniman
Jun 17, 2008, 07:08 PM
Congrats guy, I know you'll be a great dad!
snuffy
Jun 18, 2008, 02:04 PM
Congrats guy, I know you'll be a great dad!
Thanks, I will always do my best and put him first in line of all my priorities.
Going to register him tomorrow. Hope all goes well. We did agree on having both our surnames. I just hope she keeps the promise, it will be a nice touch and signal the intent of continuing co-operation and us working together for the good of baby :)
Snuffy
Alty
Jun 18, 2008, 02:09 PM
Sounds like mom has done a complete turnaround, I hope it continues, for your sake, but especially for baby's. I don't know if you want to post it, but I sure would like to know his name.
snuffy
Jun 18, 2008, 02:14 PM
Sounds like mom has done a complete turnaround, I hope it continues, for your sake, but especially for baby's. I don't know if you want to post it, but I sure would like to know his name.
Sure, ( I won't reveal either of our surnames for privacy however.)
His first name is Riley.
Alty
Jun 18, 2008, 02:21 PM
That's a very nice name for a very sweet baby. :)
Just so we're even. My son is named Jared and my daughter is Sydney. :)
snuffy
Jun 18, 2008, 02:40 PM
That's a very nice name for a very sweet baby. :)
Just so we're even. My son is named Jared and my daughter is Sydney. :)
Equally, very nice names. Both rare and distinguished :)
Chery
Jun 18, 2008, 02:56 PM
Just saw the pictures - absolutely beautiful!
Again, I'm really glad it is 'happening' for you and that you are happy!
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSYYYYYYMXDE)
bigbird213
Jun 18, 2008, 03:10 PM
I really like the name Riley.
Congrats Snuffy!
tiamokiss
Jun 18, 2008, 04:22 PM
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d172/Ross_Bradley/RILEYonfathersday2.jpg
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d172/Ross_Bradley/MeandRiley-Firstfeed.jpg
Here; pictures of baby's very first feed, at 20 minutes old, and above, a picture of him on Father's day.
Snuffy
Ooohhh so cute, he looks like u :)
snuffy
Jun 18, 2008, 05:34 PM
ooohhh so cute, he looks like u :)
Aww thanks. DO you reckon?
First thing the midwife said to me. He looks just like his daddy. All of her family and herself, they think that he looks just like me, and not even at all like her.
I kind of think he does in a way, but it's so hard to tell. All I know is he is truly beautiful.
ordinaryguy
Jun 18, 2008, 07:03 PM
So I take it you're not going to get the paternity test?
ChihuahuaMomma
Jun 18, 2008, 07:13 PM
Congratulationsssssssssssss
polska
Jun 18, 2008, 08:35 PM
Hey all,
Just wanted to inform everybody that my baby son was born on friday morning.
My ex-girlfriend called me in the early hours to ask me to be there (in hospital) and I went.
Seeing your newborn baby has got to be the greatest feeling in the world. It is instant love.
All my fears of the worst happening (not being abe to see baby and getting a hard time off the ex) have not materialised. In fact, she, her family have been absolutely excellent. It is a complete turnaround. I am so, so delighted.
I genuinely think, having talked to her, that she is going to fine with me, as I am with her, and that we are going to be the greatest parents we can be to our baby son, whatever the circumstances are between us.
Seeing that newborn gorgeous baby has taken away all the pain and troubles of the last 8 months. I am so glad that i followed advice and did not do or say anything silly to the ex girlfriend, when it would have been far easier to vent my understandable anger and frustration back at her.
I have managed to not make things worse between us by following Talaniman and others' advice, and this really has, I think, enabled things to be easy, not-at-all awkward, and I am sure we have the foundation to be friendly with each other, co-operative and good parents.
Perhaps, (again, as people on here said to me) I under-estimated the impact of hormones, her relatively young age (18), the fact she will be very scared of what's happening to her body, added to the fact that others will have been filling her head with all sorts of crap. Yes she may have drunk and been obnoxious, but really NONE OF THAT MATTERS. It is all water under the bridge, and like I said that baby has made me, and her, the happiest people on this planet.
I don's expect us to get back together, and it doesn't have any bearing on how we will bring up our baby, but never say never. Maybe, just maybe, one day there is a chance we can all be together. I won't rule it out. With work and mutual commitment, who knows? I'm not going to jump the gun or get hopes high for no reason, but I think it is also healthy to keep an open mind and to go with the flow. I have learnt some very important lessons about myself and about how to react to situations with the girlfriend. In all I feel I have come out of this a far more mature person, and her too.
Yours happy,
Snuffy :)
ps That baby is 100% mine, he is my double. :) I love my life right now.
Congratulations! I'm sure this is the happiest day of your life. Enjoy your beautiful baby son. You will be a wonderful dad! This is a new beginning for your life.
Awesome! Life is wonderful, isn't it? Pure... unconditional... LOVE!
Way to go SNUFFY! Or should I say DAD!
Congrats!
snuffy
Jun 23, 2008, 06:41 PM
Hey guys: a further update,
Still things are going well, baby's Mum and I getting on civilly and well, treating EACH OTHER with respect and appreciation :)
Been seeing baby fairly regulary at her house.
Sunday she allowed me to take him to my house on my own for 2 hours (to start with because its first time away from mother), and the best thing is that she suggested it. I did not even consider that she would allow me to have him so soon, and I was not going to ask her for at least 8 weeks!
She was tearful and crying when she strapped his seat into my car. I felt really bad and compassionate for her as I can't imagine what it is like to have the baby blues. I said to her 'thanks for letting me have him and I promise he will be back prompt and on time, you can trust me."
Needless to say I had him back to her house on the dot and well, I am glad that this milestone has been achieved. It bodes well for our 'relationship as [mutually co-operative] parents'. And I guess it means she trusts me appreciates me as a good decent loving parent. Hopefully we can continue in this vein.
So, still, all in all very good, and the best thing to come out of all this is that this baby is going to have so much love from both his parents. I know he would get all this love if we were all living together, but it seems he gets even more, if you know what I mean!
Fantastic! Who knows what the future holds. Whatever, though, it is all good if it remains like this. :)
Love and regards,
Snuffy
bigbird213
Jun 23, 2008, 06:53 PM
Glad to hear it bud...
I'm happy for you, truly happy.
Take care.
snuffy
Jul 7, 2008, 06:56 PM
THERE has been a major change again; for the worse. :(
I last saw my son exactly one week ago. That evening baby's mum sent me a text message saying that we need to sort something out regular regarding when I can see the baby - some sort of routine - which is all fine. I knew we would eventually have to discuss it after the newness of the situation subsided.
So I got a text 'offering' me the following:
Two days per week for a couple of hours each time, at her house.
3 hours at my house on alternate saturdays.
She asked me 'what do you think?'
I sent a reply saying that I would prefer to come up to her house so we can discuss it properly and reach a better compromise.
Then the reply I got to it was that her 'offer' was 'more than fair' and if I don't like it to go see a lawyer.
I then called her and said that I thought we could perhaps be a bit fairer and to allow me a little more time than she suggested, and that the idea is that we don't involve lawyers unless it is an absolute last resort. I was calm and level headed throughout.
She was uninterested in compromising at all and said that if I don't like it it's tough luck and to get a lwyer then slammed the phone down on me.
A couple hours later I received a text message which 'offered' me to take our baby every Monday, weds, and fri, for 3 hours a time, and every alternate sat for 5 hours.
I actually think this is quite reasonable, certainly while he is so young. I mulled it over and decided to leave her for a couple of days, and on the Wednesday morning last week, I sent her a message saying I accept the hours she has offered me and could I take the baby tonight for 3 hours.
To my dismay, I received a text which said the following:
"Sorry [snuffy]. I have been to see a solicitor (lawyer), been advised not to have any contact with you until it is sorted. And you can't take the baby until its sorted."
I sent a reply straight away saying "We agree on the hours so I don't see the point in involving lawyers."
Needless to say, I had to go to a solicitor that afternoon, and informed him of the situation and the refusal to let me see my son. He has set the ball rolling and said he is arranging for mediation to try to agree on terms to see the baby. He will write to her to invite her to mediation.
He also highly doubted that any lawyer would have advised her to avoid contact with me and not let me see the baby. He said it would be unethical and totally against common practice, and said that lawyers encourage the client to AVOID court unless there is no hope at all of agreement.
I did agree with her, so it's quite bizarre that she is doing this. But on the other hand, I have come to expect erratic behaviour.
In any case, I am confident that I will get to see my baby soon and in one sense, I guess, it may actually help me avoid being 'controlled' and manipulated by her.
Still it is all a bizarre thing to do to me and I cannot understand her games.Just like she threatened on a few occasions, she is using the baby as a weapon to hurt and control me, and alienating me, as she holds all the power (at present).
But strangely, her forcing his issue through lawyers will stop her being able to manipulate me as it will be in the mediators hands when I can see the baby, not on her whim.
Yours exasperated and disillusioned.
Snuffy.
bigbird213
Jul 7, 2008, 07:29 PM
Sorry to hear that things didn't stay as happy as they were a few weeks ago bud, but if she is refusing to talk to you then she really didn't leave you a choice. I think she is starting to show her true colors and it is obvious that she isn't willing to discuss it rationally or maturely with you.
As tough as it is, speaking with the lawyer is probably the only way to go about things now, regardless of whether she was lying about being advised to avoid contact. That is her decision, so now its your turn to decide if you want to pursue legal action in order to see your son.
Good luck with what happens next, and keep us updated.
Take Care
Alty
Jul 7, 2008, 07:38 PM
I was hoping that everything would go smoothly for you. I'm so sorry that you've hit this snag.
Remember that having a baby is a very emotional thing for allot of women. Could be that she's suffering from Postpartum depression, or just lack of sleep.
Don't give up, do what you have to do, I can tell how much you love your son, and you have a right to be part of his life.
Good luck.
snuffy
Jul 7, 2008, 07:56 PM
Sorry to hear that things didn't stay as happy as they were a few weeks ago bud, but if she is refusing to talk to you then she really didn't leave you a choice. I think she is starting to show her true colors and it is obvious that she isn't willing to discuss it rationally or maturely with you.
As tough as it is, speaking with the lawyer is probably the only way to go about things now, regardless of whether or not she was lying about being advised to avoid contact. That is her decision, so now its your turn to decide if you want to pursue legal action in order to see your son.
Good luck with what happens next, and keep us updated.
Take Care
I've already instructed a lawyer to act.
He has written letter (which may have reached her by now.)
In the letter, the lawyer told me that first-of-all he will ask her what th ebig issue is and that his client (I) have agreed with her offer.
It will also highlight our parental responsibilities and the right of both parents to have a say and a part to play in baby's life; and that this is the baby's right.
LAstly he will ask her to attend mediation (with her own legal representative, if necessary; and with a family member) so that we can discuss these issues in front of a professional.
The good thing about our legal system in the Uk is that the courts are reluctant to accept cases of this nature unless it is satisfied that strenuous attempts have been made to agree, and failed.
Seeing as she offered me so many hours, and I agreed to them, it will be quite interesting, for me, to hear the reasons for her then witholding contact with my child without any good reason.
Like I say it is bizarre and very sad and has me totally bemused.
So, the legal machinations are already in progress. I hope this can be resolved and that I can rely on some sort of certainty and consistency.
Unfortunately for everybody involved, she just cannot manage to be reasonable and civil, and there is no reason at all why it should be this way. I haven't rubbed he rup the wrong way knowingly.
It is going to be case of pick up the child at the door, and nottalk to her.
Again it is sad, strange and bewildering.
I would pay a lot of money to find out exactly what her deal is from day one because it doesn't make sense, and if you think of one rationale or motive for her acting a certain way, then some of her other conduct rules it out and makes it all the more confusing.
Here's hoping for a speedy and amicable resolution.
Snuffy.
talaniman
Jul 7, 2008, 08:39 PM
Sounds as if she is starting that whacky stuff again. Keep your cool but be proactive for your son.
You've carried yourself through this like a real man, so don't let her change that about you.
ordinaryguy
Jul 8, 2008, 04:32 AM
About that paternity test...
Romefalls19
Jul 8, 2008, 05:24 AM
Sorry to hear about the problems, hope everything gets worked out without going to court
snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 07:07 AM
About that paternity test....
I am already registered as the baby's father. So regardless of whether I am the true father or not I am classed as the legal father. Don't get me wrong though, I don't simply want to be a father for the sake of it, it would be far easier for me if I were not right now. However I truly believe he is mine. What's more, she set the date to register his birth knowing the consequence of having me as the father on the certificate (that I automatically acquire parental responsibility.)
This would be an odd move from her if she believed someone else may be the father. For what it's worth, looking at the child, and going on the date of conception it all leads to the suggestion that I am indeed the naural biological father anyway.
She knows that I have these strict legals rights (and duties) in relation to our baby, so witholding access (as she is now doing) cannot be justified by a belief that he may not be mine. Why not just tell me he may not be mine? She knows that she can't have my name down and expect maintenance payments without also having the corollary rights to see him.
I'm at a loss as to what her 'game' is but it is certainly confused, ill-thought out and chldish and could simply be down to her immaturity or even some impaired 'state of mind' like a lot of her other stuff seems to have been.
Strictly, in relation to the paternity; there is a good reason I did not bring it up (as a threat) before birth or straight after, and why I decided to register him as me being the father (apart from the fact I truly think he is mine.)
The issue for me was simple: It would be far easier for me to register him as the father and immediately acquire legal rights as a foundation to fight for any right to see him and be involved in his life; then to question the dna parentage later while I have already have the rights to see him (as I am the legal father) while any dna test is pending.
Conversely if I had said 'whoah wait a minute, I want a dna test before I put my name on the certificate' then I would have been faced with a far more desperate situation. Namely that I would be refused any access to the child, because I have no legal right to see him, all while this dna test is pending. And I know that a dna test can take up to 4 months to get if the mother delays proceedings. I would have run the risk of not seeing what could well be my son until he was 4 months old, which I would find far more devastating if that test comes back as positive and I am in fact the biological father.
I hope that makes sense. It does have its own logic. Whatever wa I chose to do it, it's not an easy situation. I happen to think that for me, this is the best way of doing things.
(Lastly apart from baby looking like me, and hardly at all like her, I remember two dates I slept with her. Fri 21st and Sat 22nd of September 2007, which were the only times that month. Exactly 38 weeks to the day, 13th June 2008 baby was born. And I do know that 38 weeks is the time it takes (from conception) for a baby to br born. Too much of a coincidence, as we went away for that weekend and were on our own, even if it is at least possible that she may have slept around in the fortnight before, or after that - which I cannot say for sure because that would be guessing.)
talaniman
Jul 8, 2008, 08:08 AM
That is one lucky kid she brought into the world. She may be an absolute nut, but choosing you was a great choice to be a father of a child. My hats off to you, as your logic reveals your true heart.
The best interest of the child comes first, and that's exactly the way you have played it. Continued fortune.
Alty
Jul 8, 2008, 11:57 AM
What your ex has to realize (and I hope she does) is that she's so lucky that you are the father of her child. There are so many guys out there that father one child after another and could care less about that child. You deserve to be part of this child's life, the child will be better off because of it, she has to realize this. What she's doing now is only going to harm the child, and cost her money, and put a wall up between the two of you.
I hope that everything works out, fight the good fight. :)
HistorianChick
Jul 8, 2008, 12:01 PM
OH! Congrats!! Cherish these moments... they're precious. :)
plonak
Jul 8, 2008, 02:00 PM
Thanks for the update! I really hope everything works out OK.. like Alty said.. she needs to realize that you are one in a million... hopefully she will realize this soon
Chery
Jul 8, 2008, 03:17 PM
From what I gathered, you mentioned 'baby blues' - does that mean post-partum depresssion?
You get along respectfully with her mom... how about her sister and is she around her to influence her? As the lawyer said, she did not get the 'dumb suggestions' from anyone with legal experience..
Another thought.. here in Germany when my daughter got divorced (her husband was german) and even though her son was not his, the court insisted that my grandson had his own legal representative - and they eventually did have to do a paternity test - but that was to prove that her husband was NOT the father. Is there a chance that this law applies in England? If so, then your son would be properly represented, no matter what mother's whims are at the time. Even though my grandson's mother had her own lawyer, the court insisted that the child had to have unbiased representation to ensure his future - all that was required from the father then was written acceptance of fatherhood of the child and promise of responsibilities. Maybe that law or something similar applies in England too - so I would check in on it.
At any rate, I hope that all works out and that you and your son have a chance to bond without interruption - which is very important in the early impressionable years.
Good luck dear
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snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 05:39 PM
From what I gathered, you mentioned 'baby blues' - does that mean post-partum depresssion?
You get along respectfully with her mom... how about her sister and is she around her to influence her? As the lawyer said, she did not get the 'dumb suggestions' from anyone with legal experience..
Another thought.. here in Germany when my daughter got divorced (her husband was german) and even though her son was not his, the court insisted that my grandson had his own legal representative - and they eventually did have to do a paternity test - but that was to prove that her husband was NOT the father. Is there a chance that this law applies in England? If so, then your son would be properly represented, no matter what mother's whims are at the time. Even though my grandson's mother had her own lawyer, the court insisted that the child had to have unbiased representation to ensure his future - all that was required from the father then was written acceptance of fatherhood of the child and promise of responsibilities. Maybe that law or something similar applies in England too - so I would check in on it.
At any rate, I hope that all works out and that you and your son have a chance to bond without interruption - which is very important in the early impressionable years.
Good luck dear
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Hi Chery, thanks for writing again..
In England, once a person put shis name on a child's birth certificate, he automatically legally assumes 'parental responsibility.' No such declaration is necessary, it is statutory and compulsory. You cannot even abdicate those responsibilities unless you and mother both agree to put the child up for adoption, which is obviously not in the equation.
The simple fact is I am the father; I have duties but rights too, by law.
She is denying those rights without any legal reason.
So hopefully as soon as possible this will be resolved by the family mediation service, and/or the courts.
The whole thing is strictly unnecessary though, as I actually agreed to the hours she offered, and have kept the messages and calls that said I could have those hours.
All in all, it is clear that I am being denied the legal right to see my son, unlawfully, and it is designed to hurt me.
talaniman
Jul 8, 2008, 05:43 PM
I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.
But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.
snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 06:11 PM
I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.
But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.
What do you mean, exactly?
talaniman
Jul 8, 2008, 06:41 PM
God forbid an accident, and blood is needed, and you find out you can't be a donor, or a family medical history which is only accurate if you are the real father. Most people forget the importance of passing traits on to their children. A doctors decision on diagnosis, or treatment, will need facts such as family history to make an accurate call.
Not trying to diminish your role, or rain on your parade, as I believe what ever the outcome you will be there, but the best interest of the child can only be served by the truth and not blind faith.
snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 06:42 PM
You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby...I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you...keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. let me know. Take care.
Looking back at my state of mind in the archives of my old posts from last year just after I discovered she was pregnant.
A lot of sheer hope and desperation that things would improve.
Sadly the case is that things are almost certainly irreparable. I'm unfortunately no wiser as to her motives, thoughts or reasons. It is as confused as ever.
A look at my most recent topic will show that I'm on the verge of possibly a legal battle just to see our son - again no apparent reason for this.
Please people. I know it may seem like it can't happen to you. Be ever so careful about having unprotected sex. TTry to ensure your relationships are in marriage or at least extremely secure.
Mine is an example of truly how bad things can get. What makes it even more tragic is that there isn't a history of violence, disagreement, or ANYTHING TO SUGGEST that things would be this abject.
A look at all my posts since then to the present day and even I am shocked, as there has been far more wicked and awful behaviour displayed towards me than I even remembered the last 9 months.
Anyhow just thought I would give 'linds03' the update she asked for back then.
Here is hoping that the situation with the son (not her) will improve for the better.
Love snuffy.
snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 06:52 PM
God forbid an accident, and blood is needed, and you find out you can't be a donor, or a family medical history which is only accurate if you are the real father. Most people forget the importance of passing traits on to their children. A doctors decision on diagnosis, or treatment, will need facts such as family history to make an accurate call.
Not trying to diminish your role, or rain on your parade, as I believe what ever the outcome you will be there, but the best interest of the child can only be served by the truth and not blind faith.
That's not a can of worms I will open immediately Talaniman, as it's not the most pressing issue. It's irrelevant for the moment, and a slighlty arguably spurious reason to request the DNA. Whatever way I put it it suggests a belief that she is lying and that I seriously doubt the paternity which I don't.
Bringing this up now will only put a spanner in the works of actually getting to see him. Let's solve this one first and have it in place. THEN, I can talk about DNA.
I was planning on doing this the sly way anyway to begin with. I know it is possible to get two blind samples and send them off and ask if they match. There is no need to state to the tester who the samples belong to. All it will reveal is a match or not. If the test comes back positive, I will know myself the truth and no need to openly question it and give her any reason to give me crap.
If such a test came back negativ ethen I could then 'suddenly' bring up the paternity with her. I would not have to explain that I had an unofficial test done to arose my suspicions; I could state her behaviour is giving me doubt.
But in the face of her hostility, if that were to happen, I could at least be quite safe in the knowledge that I will officially find out the kid isn't mine and her vitriol will then be wasted on me as I will no longer have to be around to take it.
I hope this makes so sort of sense.
Again, it is partly strategic, just like my decision to put my name on the certificate before doing anything else. It has the bigger picture in mind, and most definitely the child's best interests.
(Just to clarify - I have checked: There is nothing illegal about getting a hair sample to use and sending it as a blind test, since the test result is not legally binding and cannot be used for anything as no consent will have been granted, and of course the test is blind. Perhaps it may be an idea to send samples to two wholly separate companies. If I get two positive results, then this, along with the fact he looks like me, and the dates matching, will be enough to prove he is mine, and nobody needs to know that I questioned it.)
mimi03
Jul 8, 2008, 07:00 PM
Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.
I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.
*Best Wishes*
Just curious... has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?
snuffy
Jul 8, 2008, 07:30 PM
Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.
I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.
*Best Wishes*
Just curious...has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?
Sure, it's a valid thought... I have on many occasions thought about the paternity issue. The possibility that he may not be, or definitely is not mine would explain PERFECTLY her behaviour. (It wouldn't explain her willingness to invite me to the child's birh registration however, and to his birth for that matter.)
However, given that it is common knowledge that if a father puts his name on a birth certificate in the UK, he acquires parental responsibility. This means that a man automatically has a legal platform to assert and fight for rights to see a child, that you can ONLY have if you jointly and voluntarily register a birth. There is the issue of me paying for the child, which is fine. But every mother knows this because it is written clearly on the forms you get with birth certificate, it is common knowledge, and in any event, I told her myself. It would be a very odd move (and IS an odd move) for a woman to put me on the certificate and then successfully disallow me from seeing my baby. Let alone try to. (As she is doing.) For her pressing this issue into the direction of lawyers means that (1) it makes it certain I get my rights and takes away her power to select when I can and cannot see the child; and (2)it raises the possibility that the court may even demand a DNA tes themselves without me having to even mention it. They may decide to raise it as a consequence of her strange behaviour - even if I didn't want it to be raised.
Secondly, I know that I slept with her 21st and 22nd September 2007, and they were the only times in September. The baby was born exactly 38 weeks to the day that I slept with her - a Friday (13th June 08). If the baby is mine then these are the only possible dates I could be the father. These are the only dates that I slept with her for that month. I was alone with her away that entire weekend, we had a weekend break. Actual technical pregnancy takes exactly 38 weeks from conception to birth if you can pinpoint the dates (something I was unaware of until I researched it properly). So by the dates alone the child must be mine.
Thirdly, the child looks like me, though I accept that it could be co-incidence or he may just look like anybody. Too much of a coincidence though.
Fourthly, I can check DNA samples. I can get it checked if one of his samples of DN Afrom his hair matches my DNA profile. A tester does not need to know because it would be a blind test and it has no legal use, done that way. The advantage of that is that a positive result is all I would need to guarantee my knwoledge the baby is mine, and this way would mean his mother would never need to know. Conversesly a negative result and I would then question her, under the guise of her recent odd behavioru raising doubts that I did not clearly have on the day I voluntarily agreed to put my name on the birth certificate.
Lastly, in the absence of the possibility the child is not mine (ie that I got it declared by DNA that he is mine) then I can only muster the alternative explanation, crude as it is that she is simple 'crazy'as has been suggested by many on here, or..
That she was sleeping around but her sleeping around did not affect the paternity because he is mine but that she does not know herself, and is why she is messing about with me psychologically.
The time, and thought I have put into this over 9 months and with seeing him post-birth has been exhaustive and meticulously covered. She may simply not be aware of the fact that I know the child is mine. She may have doubts herself. Luckily I have a photographic memory and pay close attention to detail. She may have 'forgotten' which exact dates she slept with me. The good thing for me, is that I haven't. So I know, and I am sure.
This could be the problem, and I'm not risking her further indignation by me bringing up the DNA myself without having checked it covertly first.
So yes, on a deep pyschological level she may be unsure. The thing is, I am not unsure, though rest assured I will make doubly sure that I know myself, and that before I go demanding DNA tests I will await a negative blind sample first so my bases are covered.
It may surprise and amaze you the sheer level of thought and energy I have put into this.
But, I have a new, young life to think about and the way I go about things has to enable the smoothest possible way of doing things so that I can eventually maintain a regular contact with him and be the great father I promised myself to be.
The truth will out in good time. My intention is to avoid her abuse as much a possible so that there is no lingering trouble whatever the result of any DNA test would be.
I can only control my own behaviour and actions. It's not for me to worry about hers. If she is having troubles it is not my responsibility to help her. My sole responsibility is for the child whether he is mine or not (if he is not I will leave them to it) and neutralising her negative actions is the best course of action for me and all concerned.
Snuffy.
talaniman
Jul 9, 2008, 04:07 AM
Yes, I can see that it would be a can of worms all right, but I'm glad to see you have at least thought about in in a realistic way.
Excuse me for being amused at your shrewdness to deal with this in an effort to stay in your sons life, as its not what I usually come across, quite the opposite actually, and again I commend you for actions so far.
snuffy
Jul 21, 2008, 03:34 PM
VERY LATEST UPDATE:
We went to family mediation on Friday and guess what? It went as smoothly as possible.
Curiously, there were no other issues other than defining how much and how often I can see our baby son. And the agreement that I agreed to three weeks ago was revived exactly as before!!
The mediator expressly refused to entertain any discussion about being withheld contact for the interim period up until Friday, as I think she knew there was no legal or valid reason to refuse me contact; but of course I was willing to forgive it, in the interest of resuming contact as smoothly as possible and trying to maintain a good relationship with her vis a vis the baby.
At least we have both had our view heard in front of a professional, so of course there was no opportunity for getting angry. I wouldn't have gotten angry anyway: I just wanted to resume contact and have some clarity and consistency in dealings, and I think it came across.
I listened to all her fears and worries about being a new mother and the future issue of it being difficult for her to leave the baby out of her sight for an overnight stay. I nodded and showed courtesy for her views.
I suggested that the contact times are regularly reviewed and that contact is increased incrementally so we can work up to an overnight stay as soon as poss; and we go back in the end of August to increase my contact hours.
Fantastic.
Since Friday, yet another swing in her attitude and demeanour. She has been nice to me, happy, smiling, couteous etc etc. Can't bloody understand her but oh well, I guess I should enjoy the situation as it stands.
Craaaaaaaaazy behaviour overall again, and probably totally unnecessary for us to do things this way. (Well at least unnecessary on my part) But at least we now where we stand, and this mediation process benefits ME in particular if thing take a bad turn again.
Regards,
A happy Snuffy
talaniman
Jul 21, 2008, 05:18 PM
Congrats again, your doing well, and just have to enjoy it when she has those good moods. Have you set up child support?
Alty
Jul 21, 2008, 05:18 PM
Remember that many women do feel a bit crazy after having a baby, hormones do play a large part in it, weeping, angry, happy, those emotions change by the minute some times, so you aren't always dealing with someone who's thinking rationally right now.
I remember when my son was born, he was 7 days old and his daddy went back to work. Here I am with a week old child, alone for the first day. I decided to trim his nails, they were so long, and when I cut two of them he bled. I cried until my hubby came home. Hubby walks in, sees me on the couch, bawling, "What's wrong honey?", me "I made our son bleed, I'm an unfit mother, take him from me before I do more damage", him "How did you make him bleed?", me "I cut two of his finger nails too short and they bled, I'm telling you, I'm not cut out to be a mother, take him!", hubby "honey, don't worry, he's got another 8 fingers, if those two don't heal, he'll be fine". Hubby meant it as a joke, but all it did was make me cry harder. The next hour, all was forgotten and everything was once again right with the world. Hormones suck!