I've never heard of this site before, but based on some of the responses from other stories posted, I'm hoping to get an insite on my "issue". I promise that somewhere in this "ranting non-sense" there is a real question!

I guess I can start w/some "filler" info. Born in Mass moved to Fla in '03 w/a friend to finish college. While in school met my now husband. After taking many months to know each other we decided to move in together, at the time he was living w/his mom and twin bro. I guess that is where most of the "issue" started.

Right of the bat the MIL didn't like me, I was from a different state, and took her son "out of her home" so there is strike 1 and 2 against me. His parents divorced in '01, MIL became very dependant on both boys, fill car w/gas, drive her where ever she didn't feel like driving herself, bank errands, shopping, home maintence, etc. MIL has always had everything her way, she expected the boys to jump when she needed something done. After many months of arguing about him moving out (25 minutes north, 2 towns away from her) abandoning her, and putting everything on the other brother, DH decided it would be in our best interest not to talk, or deal with either one of them until they could grow up. 4 months go by, she gets over this "tempertantrum"

FAST FORWARD Dec '05, Christmas, we got engaged. From the time DH mentioned the idea and bought the ring, she was against the whole thing. (she's been divorced 3 times) Every time DH saw her, she came up with another excuse or idea, not to do it, obvisouly he did it anyway. Wedding planning.. we decided to go on a cruise (cheaper on US, we also didn't have to invite the long list of people BOTH SETS of parents wanted there) well since it wasn't going to be done her way, (a lavish party - so she could show off in front of her friends) she got very upset/angry when the topic was brought up. Since FIL and Step-MIL were going to attend MIL said she wouldn't be attending. DH told her to grow up! (At this point, he actually started to stand up to her, and prove to her that from now on, things WERE NOT going to go her way.) She was also upset because we did the planning ourselves, and didn't ask her opinion on anything. Wedding came, but she didn't. Which I guess worked out to be just fine, my parents (divorced and 1 re-married) met her once, and couldn't stand her. Although FIL, Step-MIL, and my parents GET ALONG GREAT.:D

Every time MIL comes to visit us at OUR HOME, it's never to her liking.:mad:
Decorating, cooking, it's to clean, re-modeling should have been done differently, etc. She judges me on the way I do laundry! :confused: Has not said one nice thing about our house, since '05 -it's all negative.Like she should talk. Her home is a PIGSTY. Doesn't know how to clean, lets the animals ruin it, and is to cheap to fix many of the MAJOR problems (leaking, molding roof)!

Oct '06 we had our first son. My pregnancy was nost easy, and she didn't help it by any means. She ruined my baby shower by telling MY relatives from out of town that I was turning her son against her, making him DEFY her (he was sick of her SH*% anyways) then she says how HAPPY she was that HER SON made her a grandmother.. like I had NOTHING to do with it. Since the shower was at our home, DH told her to leave. I went emergency c-section, so I was in the hospital for quite a few days. We weren't even home for 24 hrs before the phone & doorbell were ringing 24-7. She figured since NIETHER 1 of us wanted her at the hospital she would be the first to rush right over and make everything hetic. And that she did from there on out. She comes over UN-ANNOUNCED, has to be there when my parents (or any family member) visit, needs to know WHO is holding HER GRANDSON (BIL says she has only grandparent syndrome) and WHY. She gets upset when they stay for EXTENDED periods. I guess another thing she holds against me is that I've never brought my son to her house, due to the condition of it, nor has she ever been aloud to take him anywhere by herself. She showed up at our home a few times smelling like a brewery.

Last month we brought our son to Mass. For his 1st b-day and so the rest of my family could meet him, and this is when in turned out of control. The night before we left, I thought I would be nice and ask MIL to come over for a BRIEF visit. She cried the whole time "your taking my grandson away from me on his 1st b-day, it should be spent down here, not w/"OTHER PEOPLE" (as she often refers to my family as) and went on and on. At this point I could no longer take it, I told her that I thought she was a self centered, selfish, controlling, over powering, manipulating woman, who needs to get over the fact her son is married now" She has another son who is not married that she can control. Well she didn't like that very much AT ALL. I then told her that HER GRANDSON has just as much right to visit (or live) in Mass w/relatives, as he is MY SON, and I BEAR PART LEGAL responsibility to him, she didn't like that either. I told her that we would be spending Christmas/New Years in MA, and that was "a problem and un-acceptable" in her eyes. She feels that since he was born down here, HOLDIAYS/B-DAYS should all be spent down here and with HER. I took some paper, wrote down holidays/b-days and put different GRANDPARENTS/FAMILY names next to them, and handed it to her, she took it and stormed off to her hang out. But not before she could say some really spiteful/vendictive things to me, and told DH she wished she had only ADOPTED BIL instead. (the bar. 61 yr old woman spends wed-sun there, but she is the SOCIAL DRINKER)

Since returning from Mass weeks ago.it has gotten worse. Her bar "buddies" called, left and emailed nasty messages to us before and after we came back. I hate when people who know nothing (or just one side) about an issue get involved, let alone a bunch of drunks! Now she has brought the BIL into the middle of this, brain washed him and now BIL refuses to speak to DH. DH is kind of upset, but not really cause he know's that BIL & MIL are both alike, stubborn and stupid. DH won't speak to MIL until she has appologized to both of us, and for her "bar buddies" antics. So far that hasn't happened.
My Best friend is owner of that bar she know's what is going on. She caught down wind of a conversation MIL & "buddies" were having - talking about calling DSS on me, and getting my son taken away from me. When DH heard this from my BF he hit the roof, and now wants nothing to do w/MIL ever again.

FIL isn't surprised by her actions, he said she's always needed to have things "her way, or else, and never admits she is wrong" - basically FIL thinks MIL is crazy. Since all this has happened, I won't allow MIL to see my son. HE is only a yr old, but who kno's the crazy things she'll say as he gets older, maybe try and turn him against us? My parents & FIL/stepMIL think that we should revoke her visitation rights until she can act like an adult, or maybe just threatening her w/no rights will wake her up. I know that a "bond" between grandparent/child is supposed to be "special" and given the fact that she is his "grand(monster)mother (even though not BIOLOGICAL) I really don't want my child to have a relationship with someone as selfish and vile as her.

In a way I feel like this is my fault, maybe I should have never divided up holidays, but at that point, I was pretty mad. No one tells me that my son can't see my family, even DH agrees w/me and tells me all the time that it's not my fault, it's her being selfish - but sometimes I wonder? I would feel horrible if BIL, MIL and DH never talked again, and DH would be miserable! I love my DH a lot, and NEVER dreamed this would happen in our family, so fast.

But my MIL is a very selfish person and very controlling, and I don't like that. FIL says MIL doesn't like me cause I'm the 1st person to stand up / challenge her. I was raised NOT to act this way, as I thought most people were too. I can't deal with people telling me when my son can do something or not. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the selfish one, or did I just blow this way out of porportion?

Thanks for taking half of your day to read my question! :p

Wow, and I thought my in-laws were bad! :) It sounds like your MIL has a MAJOR control issue when it comes to her family. It also sounds like she may be an alcoholic if she is drinking a lot several days a week. I don't think you're selfish at all to find her behavior unacceptable. She is totally out of control. Having her friends from the bar call you is totally out of line. It sounds to me like she became very dependent on her sons after the divorce. She looks at you as competition for her attention. I'm glad your husband is finally standing up to her about this, although it would have been good if he could have stepped in sooner. But, it's hard to do that with parents. She has obviously never learned manners. Making a list of holidays and which relatives you will spend them with is a good idea but you shouldn't have done it when you were mad. Maybe she associates the list with the fight you had. I'm not blaming you though, if it were me, I would have had smoke coming out of my ears! You have every right to be mad. I would say, let things calm down for a while. Then, maybe you and your husband could invite her out to dinner. Tell her you want to take her out to talk to her. Hopefully if you're in a public place, she will act a little better. I would make it a place that doesn't serve alcohol, so she'll stay sober during the disucussion. Tell her that you regret the way things have been between the two of you (that way it sounds nice, but you're not apologizing). Tell her that you want your son to have all his grandparents in his life. Tell her that you would love for her to come and visit and that you would like to set up a visiting schedule for her to see him. Maybe one weekend you could bring him to see her, the next weekend she could come to see you, and the weekend after that you could go to a restaurant and visit. That way she isn't at your house all the time. Tell her that you want to keep the same holiday schedule, but that what you said to her before was out of anger. Tell her that you understand that she loves her son and grandson very much and so do you. If she comes out and asks why she doesn't get overnight visits, maybe you could tell her that your parents don't get them either. You could say that neither one of you is ready for your son to be gone for that long. As time goes by, you might have to have your husband tell her that you are just not comfortable with it due to her alcohol abuse. If she refuses to change, you might have to end contact with her depending on how bad it gets. The suggestion to call Social Services out of spite is ridiculous. Hopefully, it was just drunk talk at the bar and nothing more. If you are really concerned about that, you could talk to a lawyer. Many law offices will give you a free consultation, if you call and ask. If she is an alcoholic, she probably isn't a very reliable source of information, as I'm sure Social Services would realize. Your husband's brother shouldn't be siding with her, but she probably controls him a lot. Maybe he feels sorry for her, or maybe he is just tired of the whole situation. It's unfortunate if he lets your MIL tell him what to think about his own brother. I hope this helps! Hope she starts acting like an adult soon!

PeggyHill: Thank you for your suggestions. After having some "down time" I had DH read the post and see what his response was, it's a good thing to get an "outsiders" perspective, which we both agree on. Both are dead set on having MIL appologize first, DH feels that given sometime she will give in and figure out (MAYBE) she was in the wrong, (esp if she wants to see "HER GRANDSON" DH called the BIL this wkend and told him to stay out of it, wake up and open his eyes to MIL's "ways" / BIL is trying to keep everything "civil" since he lives w/her. BIL doesn't see her drinking as an "issue", since he joins her for an "occasional drink". I know what an alcoholic is, my mother has been in recovery for almost 10 yrs now, so that is why I (WE) don't trust MIL w/my son AT ANYTIME. We also won't allow him at her home, it's not "child friendly" pets have ruined it, major (safety) repairs need to be made. We would like to sit down and talk to her, in a public place, ALCOHOL is @ almost EVERY Restaurant here by the beach and I am still VERY UPSET (and I don't want to make a scene in public) , as I still hear stories from the bar owner. We're still rec'ving messages from the "bar buddies" we've made a formal complaint w/police. This situation has just gotten way out of hand, and it blows my mind. I just wish that she could GROW UP and act her age, or "act" like a grandmother, and realize she is NOT 21 anymore. I would like to take her and smack her in the face and tell her to SMARTEN UP, if she plans on having any RELATIONSHIP w/her grandson. Uggh... rrr..

It's too bad she had decided to act this way. Maybe it's time for your husband and his family to sit her down and have an intervention. But, if the rest of his family isn't on board with it, that probably won't happen. Sounds to me like she needs rehab. Making a complaint with the police is definitely a good idea. I hope she gets it together soon! Good luck!