I have been recently married in this February only. My husband doesn't pay any attention to me. For him only his friends are important. We both work. He goes to office and then never calls because he stays busy with his friends. When he returns home, he remains busy in watching television or talking to his friends on the mobile phone. Our sexual life is good. He doesn't talk to me. And often he goes out with his friends and tells me that he has work in the office and will be late. I feel very disgusted. He also tells me that he will be relieved if I die. I feel like ending my life. I am the only daughter of my parents. I have no lacking in my personality. He only talks about his friends. He pays no attention to me. He often lies to me and somehow I catch him. But noe I am fed up, I think if I am his wife then he shoul give more importance to me but he doesn't. I wish to end my life. Please tell me a way out by which I can be free of the tension in my mind. I have developed a migrain pain in my head just because of this tension only...

Are you in the U.S. What about divorce? Would your parents support you with that?

Sorry the honeymoon is over so fast, but it sounds like he has a life, and you don't. I also suspect a lack of communications that has you both on different pages. What was this relationship like before you got married, and how old are you both? How long have you known each other? Just trying to get some background, as I know that expectations of happiness from a spouse is unrealistic, because you have to be happy within yourself first.

Sorry the honeymoon is over so fast, but it sounds like he has a life, and you don't. I also suspect a lack of communications that has you both on different pages. What was this relationship like before you got married, and how old are you both? How long have you known each other? Just trying to get some background, as I know that expectations of happiness from a spouse is unrealistic, because you have to be happy within yourself first.



Ours is an arranged marriage. Before marriage he never tried to be in touch with me... just because his friends kept him occupied. He often says to me that he likes the bachelor life he used to live before. Today is my birthday but in the night he behaved very badly with me. I tried to commit suicide last night only,then he started talking to me in a normal manner.but because of his attitude he has lost the respect and love that I earlier used to have for him. I cannot separate from him because of my family obligations. I am an Indian and I hope you know how indians are... just tell me the way how I can be happy by myself.

Are you in the U.S.? What about divorce? Would your parents support you with that?

Well I am an indian. And I don't want divorce. Please guide me how to keep myself happy.

Ritugoswami,

Are you from the country India?

If you would, please look at your last posting. Read the section were you said you attempted suicide because of him.

Why is your life worth nothing just because he is an ? Please consider that you have merit and a reason to live, just by being born. Please work hard on respecting yourself and the value you bring with you to everything you do.

There is no guideline that I know of to make you happy. That comes from within yourself. But you could start surrounding yourself with people you consider happy.

Do not buy into your husband's trash. In fact if he doesn't want to talk to you, leave him alone and let him taste his own medicine.

I consulted with Manisha, my Indian coworker who just returned from a visit to her home there (Delhi and Kashmir). She suggested you begin to find things to do apart from him, to make your own life just as he is having a life. Make friends, have activities not with him such as taking a class or doing a sport. If you become an interesting person, he will want to spend time with you.

Manisha asked me to ask you, in which city or town do you live? Do you have access to activities and other people? Is there a library nearby? Do you like to read? Are there places nearby where you can volunteer, like a school or library or hospital? What resources do you have?

You write very well and have great intelligence. Please help Manisha and me help you improve your life.

I consulted with Manisha, my Indian coworker who just returned from a visit to her home there (Delhi and Kashmir). She suggested you begin to find things to do apart from him, to make your own life just as he is having a life. Make friends, have activities not with him such as taking a class or doing a sport. If you become an interesting person, he will want to spend time with you.

Manisha asked me to ask you, in which city or town do you live? Do you have access to activities and other people? Is there a library nearby? Do you like to read? Are there places nearby where you can volunteer, like a school or library or hospital? What resources do you have?

You write very well and have great intelligence. Please help Manisha and me help you improve your life.



I live in bombay.I am a trainer over here. I have access to other people as well.I like to read but not much... I have no other resources nearby... but talking to you makes me very relaxed... thanks a lot

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, Bombay! What kind of trainer are you? Exercise? Circus?

Do you know how to make samosas? Are you a good cook? The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Please post again.

[QUOTE=beatlejuice]I am so sorry to hear of your plight. It sound like this guy is a real a-hole. But I agree with the other post. I think you need to sit him down seriously without being emotional and give him an ultimatum. Tell him you love him and want to make the relationship work but I if he does not want to be married to you he should say so a leave you alone to find someone who cares for you. You need to be firm with him and don't tollerate verbal and emotional abuse. If he contunues and does not want to hear your hearts cry then you should ignore him and lead your own life. Why is divorce not an option if he says he would rather be a bachelor. Maybe you can talk to his parents and yours together and see if there can be a resolution.[



Every time I talk to his parents,his mother doesn't accept his fault. She says that I am expecting too much. Moreover on any occasion when I want to spend time with him,he calls his relatives... I work in the kitchen all day long making food for everyone but no female family member of his helps me... the women just sit and talk... his family members go in a room and he too goes there... I don't know what they talk about but I feel very awkward to enter that room though it is my house... when I told him that I also need someone's help in kitchen because I come from office and I am literally dead, he doesn't bother... He and his family members just want me to work and say nothing... m very upset...

Rutogoswami, you are in a situation that most Americans & Europeans who don't have any first hand experience in an arranged marriage find hard to understand. Is his family living with you or having dinner with you every evening? Do they all have jobs outside the home as well? What would occur if you didn't come home immediately after work but either stayed late at work or went out to dinner with your friends?

Have you spoken with your own Mother about this or any of your women friends? Have these other women given you any advice as to how to handle this? I think it would be most beneficial to speak with other women who have been in this situation before and find out how they handled it when they were first married. It sounds as if your husband's family is treating you as if you are their personal chef. People can only take advantage of us when we allow them to do so. If you are cooking for his family every night, I would suggest that prior to leaving for work one morning, or even the evening before while you are having dinner, you tell them you need to work late the following evening. Tell his mother and his sisters that you would appreciate it if they would cook dinner that night and you will get home as soon as you can so that you can join them for dinner. Then, show up at the time when dinner should be on the table. See what happens.

Just as an added piece of advice, do not complain about your husband to his own mother. He is her son and she will not listen to you. In her eyes, he has no faults. So you are wasting your time complaining to her and she will only grow to dislike you. You need to turn to your own mother or other older women friends who can come up with some constructive advice as to how to deal with your husband and his family.

Maybe you need to have your brothers and/or your dad straighten your husband out by talking to him about his bahavior. You should try and get the strenth to put your foot down and refuse to be treated like a slave. What would happen if you rebelled or refuse to do that? Have you tried sitting your husband down and talking to him about how your are feeling?

Whatever you do do not end you life because of a man... I'm sorry ! He seems as though he has control over you and is loving life as he has the best of all worlds. You need to become more independent and stand up for yourself. You letting this man walk all over you and destroy you and who you are.

Marriage is the funeral of love. I think it was OSHO who said it I am not sure ;)

rutogoswami, you are in a situation that most Americans & Europeans who don't have any first hand experience in an arranged marriage find hard to understand. Is his family living with you or having dinner with you every evening? Do they all have jobs outside the home as well? What would occur if you didn't come home immediately after work but either stayed late at work or went out to dinner with your friends?

Have you spoken with your own Mother about this or any of your women friends? Have these other women given you any advice as to how to handle this? I think it would be most beneficial to speak with other women who have been in this situation before and find out how they handled it when they were first married. It sounds as if your husband's family is treating you as if you are their personal chef. People can only take advantage of us when we allow them to do so. If you are cooking for his family every night, I would suggest that prior to leaving for work one morning, or even the evening before while you are having dinner, you tell them you need to work late the following evening. Tell his mother and his sisters that you would appreciate it if they would cook dinner that night and you will get home as soon as you can so that you can join them for dinner. Then, show up at the time when dinner should be on the table. See what happens.

Just as an added piece of advice, do not complain about your husband to his own mother. He is her son and she will not listen to you. In her eyes, he has no faults. So you are wasting your time complaining to her and she will only grow to dislike you. You need to turn to your own mother or other older women friends who can come up with some constructive advice as to how to deal with your husband and his family.



His family doesn't live with me.his sister lives near to us... so she often drops at our place to eat dinner. She knows that I have come from office yet she doesn't help me... and her mother that is my mother in law came to stay with us and she also behaved very badly with me.every afternoon and evening, she used to call her daughter for lunch.both the ladies sat together and I cooked alone in the kitchen. I have told my mother about this and she is very upset.. even my father knows about it and he told me that he would talk to my inlaws but I only told him not to do so.because I know that the conditions will not change...
There are other situations too... before one month my husband's servant died.He had brought up my husband from his childhood and its natural that my husband might be very much attached to him... nowadays he helps the servant's family monetarily. I am earning so my husband does not spend money on me but sends thousands of rupees to those people every month.however, the servant's wife is herself earning more that me... my husband says "I don't have money" when I tell him the house hold affairs and for those people he drains money... he even said that if I have a child ever, he/she will be secondary to those servants... that very day I decided not to bear his child ever... now what remedy should I take for this problem??
I am totally broken. If I had to manage my own affairs,then it would have been better if I stayed at my place and not get married... moreover he tells me to run the house...

maybe you need to have your brothers and/or your dad straighten your husband out by talking to him about his bahavior. You should try and get the strenth to put your foot down and refuse to be treated like a slave. What would happen if you rebelled or refuse to do that? Have you tried sitting your husband down and talking to him about how your are feeling?


I talked to him many a times but he doesn't listen to me and our talk turns into a furious quarrel...

Ritugoswami, I know in your country, divorce is one of those things that is very much frowned upon and it is the woman who suffers and is looked down upon if she is divorced. I also know that it is not a government ritual but is dictated by the religion of the people involved.

It appears your husband comes from a caste that is very privileged and he feels that he was forced into this marriage. He is doing everything possible to earn your disdain and force you to push him away. He won't leave you, but it sounds to me like that is what he wants you to do so that he is not "the bad guy" in this whole situation.

Does your family live in an area in which you can commute to your job from their home? I think you need to give yourself a much needed break from your husband and his family. You need to sit down with your parents and discuss everything that is occurring in your marriage. Your husband is being blatantly cruel and he needs someone else, other than you, to point this out to him. Your father should be the one to take the first step in getting this across to your husband, since it is your father who agreed to this arrangement. Your father was trying to make a good match for you and only wants what is best for you. It would be wise to start searching for religious counsel and to find someone who will insist that your husband go for religious marriage counseling. Can you stay with your family for a week or two and still go to work at your job? If not, do you have a friend that you can stay with? Whether you can leave or not, I think it is time for you to let him know you are not going to be his doormat and allow him or his family to walk all over you. Tell your husband to pay the bills with his money and do not allow him access to your money. Since your husband is so intent on being disrespectful of you, you need to stand firm and let him know that you will not tolerate his behavior any more. Let him know that you are leaving for a while (if you are able to stay with someone else -- please do try to do this) to give him time to think about how his selfishness is effecting your marriage. Tell him that what you have told us about not wanting to bear his child. Tell his sister that you will not be cooking for her anymore, she can cook for her brother if she feels the need to have company. Tell your husband that you are contemplating a divorce or annulment and that you would rather live alone the rest of your life than be with someone who has such little disregard for other people. Tell him that if he did not want to enter into a marriage with you, he should have told his parents and asked them to make other arrangements than force you to pay for his "mistake."

In the meantime, please take a look at this link. I don't know if it will help you but I think you need to start doing some research on what your options are to separate yourself from your husband and his family for at least some period so that you can figure out what you want to do, and he can see that you aren't just talking or threatening, but you mean exactly what you are saying and you won't put up with this disgusting behavior from him. http://www.english.emory.edu/Bahri/Divorce.html I do think that having a highly respected figure within your religion, counsel you both together on what is expected from both the husband and wife in a marriage. It is the only hope you have that might get your husband to open his eyes and see that he is not living up to his part of the bargain.

Rubypitbul has given you the best advice I can see in this situation. Now it is up to you to have the strenth to take that big step and stand up for yourself and make that move or else nothing will change it will only get worse and you will be the one to suffer.

i have been recently married in this february only. my husband doesn't pay any attention to me. for him only his friends are important. we both work. he goes to office and then never calls because he stays busy with his friends. when he returns home, he remains busy in watching television or talking to his friends on the mobile phone. our sexual life is good. he doesn't talk to me. and often he goes out with his friends and tells me that he has work in the office and will be late. i feel very disgusted. he also tells me that he will be relieved if i die. i feel like ending my life. i am the only daughter of my parents. i have no lacking in my personality. he only talks about his friends. he pays no attention to me. he often lies to me and somehow i catch him. but noe i am fed up, i think if i am his wife then he shoul give more importance to me but he doesn't. i wish to end my life. please tell me a way out by which i can be free of the tension in my mind. i have developed a migrain pain in my head just because of this tension only.............
The solution lies in you, you need to discover self love.