Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( . Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence). I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me. Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love". We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (I know I'm foolish but love is blinding). She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future) but for some reason it wasn't "right". I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll). I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in. She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me). She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break". I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends. She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!). Anyway I healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much more quick turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like I had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me. I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with. All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag to me so I accused her of cheating on me. We fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving forwards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how I'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her I was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters. She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary). She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it. I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant. In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this. Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements. I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly. But it seems like she is effing with my head, as all women do to us simple men. I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. What do I do? I think I might want to try and get her back. I'm a challenge whore. What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now? Is she trying to get a feel for me again? Does she want to feel better about herself? Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore. I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. This is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

You are still hurt and bitter. Tell her to stop emailing you.

From where I'm sitting she is trying to get the wrds out ov your mouth or words on paper, so shall we meet an go for a coffee, she wants to know if you still have feelings for her, that's why she wrote to u... showing her self in a new light so you think she is all she was when you first met, making you think the thoughts ov how much you loved her... don't fall for it mate, she will ask you eventually, an I hope you find the strenth to say NO

You are still hurt and bitter. Tell her to stop emailing you.


Homegirl I appreciate your comment. I'm not bitter, more like envious that she has it so well without me (My male ego is hurt). I also miss her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I'm alone all the time as well which is irritating because I have no buddy in this town to punch me in the arm and label me a head case. I may still be hurt but I think I am strong enough now, having conquered what I have, where I can forgive. I'm not bitter though. I think I deserved to be broken up with, and she may have saved my life, inadvertently.

from where im sitting she is trying to get the wrds out ov your mouth or words on paper, so shall we meet an go for a coffee, she wants to know if u still have feelings for her, thats why she wrote to u..... showing her self in a new light so u think she is all she was when u first met, making u think the thoughts ov how much u loved her..... dont fall for it mate, she will ask u eventualy, an i hope u find the strenth to say NO

Why do you gather I should say no? Thanks for your comment.

Is it too long is that it?

Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( . Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence). I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me. Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love". We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (i know im foolish but love is blinding). She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future) but for some reason it wasn't "right". I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll). I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in. She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me). She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break". I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends. She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!). Anyways i healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much quicker turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like i had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me. I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with. All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag to me so I accused her of cheating on me. we fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving fowards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how i'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her i was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters. She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary). She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it. I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant. In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this. Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements. I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly. But it seems like she is effing with my head, as all women do to us simple men. I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. what do I do? I think I might want to try and get her back. I'm a challenge whore. What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now? Is she trying to get a feel for me again? Does she want to feel better about herself? Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore. I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. this is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.
"She then went on a family trip with the women of her family"

Rest assured the "women of her family" had been well informed about your relationship as well as the 1 year anniversary prior to "the trip." It sounds like you had every right to feel paranoid. You went through a lot but now your on your feet and moving ahead so don't gum it up, stay clear of her and the "women of her family." Besy wishes.

I think she likes you as a friend but senses you have self-confidence issues.

She is kind of right.

Look for a woman you can be yourself with... she is not that girl. If you could date her casually, she would probably do it, but as a life partners you all are not a good match. She thinks you are a bit insecure... But again, she does like you. But wants her freedom still. I cannot predict the future, but right now she is testing the waters but is not 100% sure... which is normal.

Ruling: Move on. And have her as a friend when you can handle it being finite.
Do not dream of long weekends in bed and long conversations by the pool, and
At cafes... Not now anyway. You too seem to make each other uneasy. Also, if you have a drinking issue, I would consider easing back on it. It makes you angry apparently.

Thanks you two for your comments,

Statictable, thanks for the kind words.

Ash123, I quit drinking that's not an issue anymore. In all actuality I'm looking for strictly casual dating. My responsibilities nowadays are way farther advanced than they were 7 months ago. I'm the lead on construction projects and the like. I can't fathom having a whole long weekend spent talking but would like a night here and there of casual dating. I've evolved into being highly independent. Why do you think I have self-confidence issues? I've actually been told I'm too arrogant at times. I'm working hard at changing that still.

Arrogance belies insecurity.

And well, you are insecure... It's OK. Everyone is to some degree. But yes, it's all over your posts. You have a lot of angst about your status vis a vis others. And you are NOT comfortable with what other men may do to your significant other. You do not feel - especially with your ex- on firm ground... Embrace that fact and be vulnerable but be yourself - and loves will be a lot richer with the right person. Perhaps your family life or your childhood left you feeling a bit unsure. Only you know.

If you do date her again, maybe you can show her this... just know that you two may not be a match made in heaven... but at the end of the day, it's your call.

Arrogance belies insecurity.

And well, you are insecure....It's all over your posts. You have a lot of angst about your status vis a vis others......Embrace that fact and be vulnerable and modest and giving and your life and loves will be a lot richer. perhaps your family life or your childhood left you feeling a bit unsure. it's ok.

if you do date her again, maybe you can show her this....just know that you two may not be a match made in heaven....but at the end of the day, it's your call.


You make a good point about the arrogance bit. I am working on it. I have taken a life of volunteering and being nicer to people nowadays. It's what takes precedence. I realized I wasn't giving back and I was arrogant and damn near fickle. I wish it was my call. One thing is for sure, I value virtue more than alleviating loneliness so I won't do it the soft way this time. Cheers.

Relax. When you are yourself and like yourself, you can be with someone else.

A quest for perfection only exists in an insecure mind... a secure mind sees perfection every day... already.

Good luck!

Thanks. That statement has great depth. I appreciate it. The only question I have is what do I do now? Do I remain aloof and distant or do I become the bird of prey and attempt to get her back? I guess I'd like to at least see where it leads.

Well, you could tell her how you feel and get it over with.

Examples:
You want to go to dinner...
You want to get closure.
You can be friends one day when you are ready... etc.

Be vulnerable. If she shoots you down you are already 5 months in practice in being without her... clearly, moving on is not working...

BEWARE: if you two are not right for each other, you are wasting precious time if you try to date. And it will take time to start again... again, your call... that's the point of relationships. You can only do them yourself - that's what makes them so great - and scary. If she's still torturing you, stay back though. And start fresh elsewhere.

Darn it Ash, you and your logic. It makes too much sense. Telling her directly would be the easy way. I wouldn't say it wasn't working when I was alone, I was doing quite well for myself and I was getting close to stability, I had even accepted her loss and got rid of all her stuff and planned for my single future. Yet she contacted me and "flush" there it goes. Hmm what to do what to do. To be honest a rejection from her might be heart breaking. She did say that she was still mad at me but was trying to focus on the good points of our relationship in her second email. I think she needs more time. In any case this is really tough. I appreciate all your help.

Part 1 of 2


I read about half this and immediately saw the guilt trip the young tramp you call your ex was laying on you. I needed to read no more but you shall receive the full Chuffing.


Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( .

I think she did more then take pictures. My big clue is this was supposedly a family outing so why didn’t she spend it with them and not hanging out with this guy. It’s been said that when a woman feels attraction for a guy she will do anything to spend time with him even at the expense of her own family or friends that tell her otherwise, and we don’t even know if her family was telling her otherwise.


Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence).

She emotionally cheated. Verified, admitted, and plenty of evidence.


I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me.

I would put it like this. She may have but she knew at this point the relationship was over and began letting herself down naturally so that when the break up came she wouldn’t have to deal with the sting of the loss.


Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love".

Or you could put it like that.


We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (i know im foolish but love is blinding).

You ain’t lying there.


She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future)
Never trust what the families are saying. Hell she went on a family vacation and spent it …ah hem “taking photos” with some guy she admits to having feelings for but neglected to admit cheating with.


but for some reason it wasn't "right".

Because she had left. Women leave emotionally before they ever leave physically.


I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll).

Finally, you feelings got caught up with reality.


I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in.

You can’t hold your paranoia in against a woman’s emotional radar detector. They read, understand, and use emotions 100 times better then men, and they know if your paranoid and how you react in certain situations.


She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me).

Let’s assume she wasn’t into him. She sure doesn’t come off as a great catch by not putting her foot down and demanding he stop with the gifts, compliments, and put downs. But she had no respect for herself, you, or the relationship so she never did. That says a lot about her character, not that I saw a lot to begin with.



She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break".


First of all reread that and tell me you can do a good job hiding your paranoia. I don’t buy it and I’m not even female.

Second, it sure says a lot about her character……….who we kidding she has none, but it says something about her that she won’t help you eat and picks the time you really can’t do anything to hit you up with that. She knew this was coming months ago but only when you down and out does she stick the knife in you.


I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends.

She left you long before she left you.


She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!).

Do you pay rent here? That’s your damn house too so if she wants to hook up with photo boy or her boss or some dude she met at the bar tell her to get a hotel.


Anyways i healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much quicker turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like i had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me.

Ahhh………….are we talking about the same bottom feeding skank who did everything else you describe in this very post? I’ll tell you exactly how good a manipulator she is. She’s got you thinking you were the jerk while she tells a guy that can’t feed himself to go to hell. Seriously, that’s emotional abuse and she’s the one giving it. Screw her.


I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with.

She’s such an angel herself.

Part 2 of 2



All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag
Sounds like a big red flag to me too.


to me so I accused her of cheating on me. we fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

Again, are you dating several women or just the one your describing here? What am I missing? Are you perfect? Far from it. But for all you mood swings and reliance on alcohol I certainly don't question you love or loyalty to her, and I don't even trust her character as it relates to telling anybody the truth about anything.


Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving fowards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how i'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her i was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters.
.
Oh the emotional games continue. She's loving life so much that she started emailing you to rub it in. This woman is extremely cruel and she feels so low about herself that the only way she can build herself up is at the expense of others pain and misery most of the time which she guides them towards.


She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary).

A. What does pfft mean?
B. She's single now huh. So the guy she left you for dropped her when he didn't want to put up with her stupid games. Interesting. But who would put up with her stupid games? Why the ex of course and she just happened to have his email address.


She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it.


As God is my witness, I read none of what you just wrote before I wrote what I wrote prior to this. She's a loser. She's a loser in every sense of the word. I see homeless people everyday who have more character and compassion then her. She's a user, a liar, and a cheat.


I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant.

She's good but she ain't brilliant. Everybody sees right through her including you. That isn't brilliant, that's not even good, it's just average.


In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this.

It didn't work out with the other guy.


Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements.

That a boy. This is the best thing you could do besides ignore her. By showing support your only showing her she didn't hurt you as bad as she thought she did.


I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly.

No. No I really don't think you do.


But it seems like she is effing with my head,

She is.


as all women do to us simple men.

Amen to that brother. Men can't understand the emotional mind of a woman and when we act emotional to appease them we get killed every time.


I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. what do I do?

Quit talking to her.


I think I might want to try and get her back.

No. No I don't think you do. Why would you want to be with a cheating skank who won't even feed you when you can't eat?


I'm a challenge whore.

While I suppose that's better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?


What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now?

Yes and on top of it she's trying to bring you back because she thinks you're the punk you say your not and she needs to replace the guy she left you for.


Is she trying to get a feel for me again?

As a temp.


Does she want to feel better about herself?

Yeah but you can't help her with that. Professional help is the way for her to go, and I'm not being sarcastic. She has a lot of mental and emotional problems.


Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore.

She could care less, well maybe not less then when she dumped you for her boss or whoever the other guy was at the very moment you couldn't even move. I'd say that was certainly a low point for her, but in her defense she does have a lot of low points to draw from.


I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. this is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

Why reply at all? This is a game to her so any reply plays into her game. That being said, here's a few I came up with at the top of my head,

A. I don't know but let me know so I can warn them your coming.
B. Not far enough.
C. Hopefully far.
D. Ignore her question all together and answer with something stupid like the year Utah became a state and the copy and past a bunch of information about Utah.
E. Wherever it is, will you be bothering me from there?
F. I don't know, but I eagerly await your answer as I just can't get enough information about where your going.
G. To get a new job where your pay will be based on your work performance not you performance.

I could do this all night but I'm really exhausted. I think you'll find it entertaining to come up with some your own and probably some that can hit a little harder then I can provide.

Here's the overall verdict. You've come to far to take steps backwards now. She's beneath you. She's beneath dirt. I think your remember the good times and perhaps feeling lonely and it's confusing your judgement but this is not the girl for you. This really isn't the girl for anybody that seeks loyalty, stability, honesty, or just some common decency.

Wow Chuff, many great insights. You've frightened me back into logic.

"While I suppose that's better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?"

I laughed at this statement, your wit alongside your logic have some potent healing power my good man. If I laughed that must mean somewhere inside of me something recognizes her bull. The other great statement was simple yet for some strange reason unrealized. Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family. Hmm, perhaps I did the right thing by guarding myself. I appreciate being chuffed.

I'm not going after her it's not worth the risk.

The PFFT is a lack of belief that she won't start dating anyone if I leave her alone for another 30 days. I didn't say this but we took a break when we initially started going out of a few months. We dated for three weeks and broke up for 2 months and she dated in that timespan. She had told me she loved me two weeks after dating me. I really am starting to piece it all back together on why I never came crawling back. I had the mental fortitude then to say well if you want it to be over then peace. I remember now why. Thanks Chuff.

Wow Chuff, many great insights.

Spread the word.


You've frightened me back into logic.

Welcome back.


"While I suppose that’s better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?"

I laughed at this statement, your wit alongside your logic have some potent healing power my good man.

You know upon second reading I too got a good laugh at that. Most important we both got a good laugh at her expense.


If I laughed that must mean somewhere inside of me something recognizes her bull.

I don't think it's that far below the surface. I think you just need some back up from somebody with no emotional attachment to confirm it.


The other great statement was simple yet for some strange reason unrealized. Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family. Hmm, perhaps I did the right thing by guarding myself.

I'd say so, and I'd add to continue guarding yourself.



I appreciate being chuffed.

Your never really the same afterwards. It's like entering a whole new dimension of greatness.

Well, you've been psychanalyzed... had your Ex's faults spot-lit... and had a chance to make a decision once and for all. Sounds like you made one. Now stick with it and with: your new life and growing self.

Peace and good luck.

Thanks y'all, you've been wonderful. Ash thanks for making me aware that happiness lies within and chasing perfection will always be a chase. And Chuff well thanks for the mental correction. Take care.

Wow. Good for you for making those changes; the things you listed are not easy, so my hat goes off to you.

I'm very impressed! And I'm double impressed that you have responded to her emails without giving her what most ex's would want (aka to show you're a little lost without her).

People get pretty startled when their ex lives despite them. That is, it's hard to imagine that a man who was once drinking, smoking, and being paranoid over a girl, is now in great shape, moving forward with work, and isn't responding to emails in a frenzy.

And believe me: a girl who contacts her ex and then writes five paragraphs to him about how great she is doing, is actually only saying all that sh*t so that her ex can validate it for her.

Lol! She actually bolded her words in the email, in regards to life being good? Who does that? If life is so good, she wouldn't feel the need to prove that or to yell that to you on paper. It's as if she needs to fool herself, or she needs someone to tell her "yes dear, you are doing soooo great! You rock, you are the Queen, you're...etc".

Tell me, if things were going so great, why did she go back to the past and contact you?
Please don't allow yourself to be used. You've grown as a person and you have made the right decisions so far. And you need to continue with this. Going back to an ex who didn't really care when you had an injury or when you couldn't feed yourself…that's a huge step back from the healthy road you're on.

Unless she begs or starts being honest, don't put too much thought into emails that mess with your head.

Sad soul, I must say I agree with you. She is either frustrated with life, therefore venting her frustration by attempting to torture me, or she realized that the guys out there aren't me. I needed a good nights rest after I wrote this post to digest everything. My composure is back. She's so blatantly transparent her attractiveness to me has been reduced to a physical one. I feel for her though. I'm not saying I don't care. I'm glad I made nice with her. She was a good learning experience and taught me much. I'd like to say she was there for me but she never really was. Though she did make me realize that I have to take life and challenges by the horns. My changes where due to realization that I have to have peace with myself. Thanks for the thoughts. I have my sword and shield again.

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST In case things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH! But I am sure that's her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done a lot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and Extremely happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family.

It could be that they have known her a lot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST INCASE things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH!! But I am sure thats her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done alot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and EXTREMLY happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

It could be that they have known her alot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or at least knows deep down inside that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).

Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).



I totally agree!:cool:

Then it shall be. Well folks, from this point on I will keep this as a side project. I will be kind, polite, aloof, scarce, short emailing, and guarded. We will see how she acts. I doubt this will lead to anything. Anyone want to guess the outcome of my tactics? Thanks

Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

Honestly, I would say I don't see this as a life partner:

And I think this quote is CRITICAL: "I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner."

This is a bit arrogant and dangerous... A relationship cannot work like this. Not healthy. Clearly you all are not compatible... A soulmate is not a project.
Ok, so you both grew. Now grow onward.

Ps - And a "Propensity to do as she wished..." is not always a bad thing. But in this case it was obviously selfish. So, not worth repeating.

I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.
This could have been one of your problems. You don't set out to change a person. You either care about them or you don't. When you take it upon yourself to change someone, you are in essence telling them there is something wrong and they are not good enough for you. This also shows an insecurity in you, because, you are the one in pain and you'd probably take this "irresponsible person" back in a heartbeat.
It sounds to me like you're saying, "I tried to change her and make her a better person and she didn't appreciate it, so if she is unhappy it's all her fault and if she ever wants me back she had better show some responsibility" What gall! She may not be the best person, but you need to take some responsibility for being part of the reason she left.

I agree with the previous couple posters here... nobody molds anyone into anything. Unless you are doing a Woody Allen and raising a child to be a future partner. And that's just plain sick.

Only you can decide what direction your life takes you. You obviously loved her other wise you wouldn't be so confused. The one thing you have to keep in mind is the changes that you have made are not only for yourself esteem but for being a better man. 7 years ago did you really think about being a better man? Now you are a better man and maybe that is what she see's. My only other question is, now that you describe yourself as a better person will she bring you down again to the level you were at before or can you continue to grow and maybe the both of you can have a meaningful relationship? Has she grown any or is she just building herself up to seem appealing? Guess I had more than just one question.

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123

I appreciate your advice. This is how I thought in the past, it's not my way of thinking now. I was stating it as a mistake I made. Which is also why I said it failed miserably. I know now that you can't change people. Hindsight is 20/20 you know? For her to be a life partner would require quite a bit of changing on both sides. I've improved but I've got some work left and will continue growing. Seemingly she hasn't really changed. I don't know what she is thinking but it doesn't seem to be with the best intentions. As far as doing as she wished, I was responding to Chuff's post so it was to him and that's why I repeated it. I agree it isn't always a bad thing but like you said in this case...

Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyway thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

Actually exactly in the way I think she should. There are many other things that I had given her advice on that she rejected that she is now doing like working out, like going back to school and quitting smoking, talking to her dad, I could go all day. I really don't think you have, again, the justification to say with certainty that she hasn't really changed in the way I think she should. She is being who she is clearly because I'm not in the picture, that's obvious why bring it up? I don't dislike it, and it isn't a problem, that's not the issue here why bring it up? If she isn't the one for me only time will tell don't you think? I've moved on but am curious about what will happen, have you read this post at all? What I have a problem with is her manipulative tactics, how it's almost in contempt she is doing this. Something others have pointed out. You seem to have an agenda, trust me I don't hate my ex and I don't wish anything negative on her, what I DISLIKE is her trying to manipulate or hurt me. I didn't like the fact she contacted without any actual interest in me only in a passive aggressive way. If you notice from my posts I have yet to be mean to her since she contacted me. I've been nice and friendly. While I'm not perfect don't paint me out to look like a villain or some sort of premeditated abuser. You seem to have some sort of agenda and I would kindly ask you to look further into my posts before you make what seem as all encompassing accusations.

I think you should tell her to stop emailing you. She is just trying to rub it in how good she has it without you and make you jealous of "what you coulda had and lost." She is also looking for the pats on the back you give her cause the gratification feeds her feeling like you are envious of her "new life" She likes the idea of feeling you still have an emotional attachment to her.

I'm contemplating it, I still haven't replied to her. Part of me wishes at the least we could be friends someday. I also don't want to give her the satisfaction. This is bittersweet. I want her to realize that even if she didn't want me I would be fine but at the same time I do actually care for her. I had decided to keep emailing her politely in the hopes that one day she may stop acting immature and open up and actually start speaking to me like an adult. It's funny but that same concert she was going to was canceled. She wrote me on Friday just to tell me she was going to the concert with one of my favorite bands here then she wrote me yesterday saying how heartbroken she was. If you would have seen how much she was rubbing it into me in that email it would be humorous. I think she wrote me yesterday just to save face lol. Anyway, I'm still contemplating. Cheers

Sigh, back at this. I emailed her back politely saying how bad I felt that she didn't get to see one of my favorite bands who she never liked before she met me. She emailed me back saying that she is pondering getting a new job and moving on to "bigger and better opportunities" and that her life is crazy hectic but great. Then she asks me how I'm doing and what's new?

Does she really care, I don't know, I 'd like to think that she does. Why oh why is this happening? I mean I know I'm doing this to myself but why does she keep emailing me like this? Just randomly telling me about her life. She's increased the frequency at which she emails me now even though I'm becoming more scarce emailing her about once every two weeks, it's baffling. Three times in the last few days. B.S. polite banter for the most part, the type of discourse you have at an office party with a guy named Lumberg. :(

I want to say "LISTEN WOMAN YOU EITHER LIKE OR ME OR YOU DON'T, YOU EITHER GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING. YOU DON'T NEED THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION AS INSPIRATION, JUST THE EFFING GOLDEN RULE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP PUSSYFOOTING FROM SAYING HOW YOU YOU REALLY FEEL THAN EFF OFF! NOW IF YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS STOP LIVING IN THIS HOUSE OF CARDS AND SAY SO!". But instead I'm a "B" and I say "well that's wonderful for you" B.S.. The sad part is my conscience would otherwise cripple me. She stopped taking her xanax as well, and her panic attacks have died down. I don't know whether she was referring to me causing them. I'm overpowered by my curiosity considering the ego destruction and reconstruction I had to undergo, I'm overpowered by my conscience which restricts me from treating her badly or coldly. I was FINE when she wasn't emailing me. Now it seems my composure is being tested. I mean if she were to tell me that she had found someone else I'd deal with it and it this would end there, but she wrote me specifically saying she's "alone" and it's a bit lonely but that she's OK with it. Why the EFF do you say this to me? I haven't told her I'm alone. As far as she knows I'm james freaking bond now sans the martini. You guys think I'm crazy but what would you do? I see her flaws better and my flaws a bit better with some of the responses. I wouldn't get back with her and let her in as deep as she was before, I wouldn't allow it I would feel weak and I'd feel like I'd gone backwards. I can't rely on her, yet she was always great with advice and I have never shared my whole self with anyone before like I did with her, and I've had plenty relationships. I don't know. I'm not breaking down, nor am I going to reply until November but what now? Is she increasing her emails because I've been so aloof? Probably but what does it mean? Does it mean I hold some power? If I did I would use it for good. A friendship would be nice. What of it?

She does this to you to get a reaction and she gets one. Stop responding to her. No contact whatsoever, then she will stop. People can only use you if you continue to let them.

Homegirl50 tell me what you think? I email her very scarcely I wait to respond for several days to a few weeks, and I'm very disconnected how could she see that she is getting a reaction from me? From her side I would gather that I've moved on, I mean I rarely email her and when I do I'm extremely vague. Do you really believe this is what she sees?

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123



Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyways thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers
I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether or not you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

If you haven't read it or seen it or if I haven't said it I will say it now, I'm flawed, I became a bit of an alcoholic at the end of our relationship. I conquered that now but it was an issue then. I was insecure and unable to interpret my emotions properly. I tried to change her which was another mistake I regret. I've made enough mistakes which I've brought up. The only thing that I'm concerned with now is what it all means now.

1. Does she really care? Or is this a tactic of manipulation and deception on her part just, like you said, to get a rise out of me? (big one)

2. Could we be friends and how do I bring that up?

3. Why contact me in the first place? ( to which me and others have proposed she's unhappy with her own life)

4. How can I handle this righteously, fairly, without injury and to show her that indeed I'm a good person after all? (I know some will say it doesn't matter what she thinks but It's more for me than her)

I don't get why she is emailing me considering how she can really have any guy she wants, I used to have to fight them off, especially at clubs where they would blatantly hit on her in front of me. I don't get this fully and I'm slight obsessive compulsive or maybe majorly. Thanks.

She is doing what a lot of girls do when they have gotten out of a relationship. She's using you as a tool to make herself feel better. She may get back with you for a little while but in the end it won't happen, she just wants to know that she has a hold on you so she can feel more like a 'wantable' woman.
Don't be a boy toy, tell her to leave you alone

Your incredibly difficult to pronounce name may foretell truth although I might say that is quite a blow to my optimism :(. Call it as you see it though ms umm fur wahr. Thanks for your comment.

You don't need to prove anything to her. You have changed, you know it. You are a better person, you know it. Your concern should be keeping yourself together, not worrying about her.
It could very well be that she just wants friendship or she cold want more, or she could just be being bi*tchy.
This is what you do, when she calls, tell her "I am trying to get my life together and I don't really have time for games. So why are you calling me?" Tell her that you have used this time to learn things about yourself and you are growing, and that maybe she should do the same.

She is doing what alot of girls do when they have gotten out of a relationship. Shes using you as a tool to make herself feel better. She may get back with you for a little while but in the end it wont happen, she just wants to know that she has a hold on you so she can feel more like a 'wantable' woman.
dont be a boy toy, tell her to leave you alone

Yep.

She's usuing you to make herself feel SAFE somewhere. But this is the catch: she will never make you feel safe.

I'm proud of you because you have shown that you can protect yourself. All the changes you made in your life are things that she is trying to pretend she can match, but like those chicks that put up endless pictures on Facebook from bars and places they go, her stories of "my life's great" aren't selling.

You can do so much better. Maybe if she changes one day, you two can date again, but right now, she's below your level. You need to be with a woman who is your equal.

Yep.

She's usuing you to make herself feel SAFE somewhere. But this is the catch: she will never make you feel safe.

I'm proud of you because you have shown that you can protect yourself. All the changes you made in your life are things that she is trying to pretend she can match, but like those chicks that put up endless pictures on facebook from bars and places they go, her stories of "my life's great" aren't selling.

You can do so much better. Maybe if she changes one day, you two can date again, but right now, she's below your level. You need to be with a woman who is your equal.

Thanks, I've tried hard to change. I had a list I taped to my bedroom door so I saw it every day when I went out. Corny as that my be, it works for me. At first I thought I might want her back, initially, then I contemplated it and I thought maybe friendship, but now I think I kind of have to stand up and be strong again and just let go altogether, again lol. Strange as it may sound I thought I was keeping her in limbo considering my disconnection. In any case I appreciate your responses.

P.s. Ms. Fur Wahr, I beg to differ dear, I don't believe I'm ramen noodles, I think you meant T-bone :P

P.s. Ms. Fur Wahr, I beg to differ dear, I don't believe I'm ramen noodles, I think you meant T-bone :P
Lol that's why I added the subtle (to her) there ;)

Homegirl50 tell me what you think? I email her very scarcely I wait to respond for several days to a few weeks, and I'm very disconnected how could she see that she is getting a reaction from me? From her side I would gather that I've moved on, I mean I rarely email her and when I do I'm extremely vague. Do you really believe this is what she sees?
You are still responding. She still has you. Stop answering her e-mails PERIOD. When you stop responding to her, she will stop contacting you.

Chuff Chuff... man, it seems to me like you hate the whole world. Take it easy bro. why do people need the wrong side of a superanalyze? They hear that, and they believe chuff is all right. Chuff is the god. Ok, she was what she was. He is what he is. But in the end. I don't understand one point, in every post you made. You never try to judge the "victim". He is a victim of himself. He awaits from the relation to bring him joy, happiness, loyalty, honesty, or whatever, and he gives everything. Common, we all are different people, aren't we ? We can't change people, but we can be adapted. Right? The question in here is, she is a girl who she is, and she isn't a whore or something like that. She sees things in her way. He was not a challenge anymore for her, he was open in every damn point, and he was expecting her to be open in everypoint. He can't deal with that, and he accused her of cheating?? Even if she was cheating. Nobody wakes up in the morning saying I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend today!! There is absolutely a reason. The reason is him. He should take responsibility of his own behaviour. Relations need challenge, relations need male and female. And he was a "female" male, with his behaviour, or as I like to call, a wuss. He didn't gave her what she wanted. CHALLENGE< AFFECTION< ATTRACTIVENESS< FLIRT... THIS IS PART OF THE WORK IN A RELATION! You want to have the dog in your house? Than give him eat, otherwise he will go and eat somewhere else! Instead he gave her the wrong meat - his heart..? ONCE YOU GIVE THE HEART, YOU GIVE EVERYTHING! AND THERE IS NO MORE ATTRACTION! HE WAS NOT A MAN IN THIS GAME! THE WHOLE PART OF A WOMAN IN THIS GAME IS TO WIN HIS HEART. THAT WAS THE CHALLENGE. SHE WON THAT, AND NOW. BYE BYE. Why the heck she didn't cheated on him the first year?? Because there was challenge, affection, attractiveness, flirt. Right? Once she had everything, it was gone, she didn't felt like that anymore. And people can't control their feelings! People can't say I'm going to feel for this guy. Or the opposite. Im not saying she is an angel. Im just judging HIM! I tell you something, that I think it happened! He said her time after time "i love you", "i love you"... Why? Just to have her approval and to control her thoughts. And on the other side, she knew he loves her, and she took him for granted. SO HERE WAS NO CHALLENGE IN THE GAME, FOR THE GIRL TO STAY! HE forgot the rules man, and its his fault!! He thought OK, we have the relation now, and we do not need anymore challenge, or flirts, or whatever, so I'm going to be completely open. Take an example. You see a movie. Its awesome... its more awesome because you don't know how is going to end. If you could see the end since the beginning, that movie is no more longer attractive. Do you get my point ?

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

It is not real. You strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. Until she asks for more, you must let this go... look at my post many days ago. Nothing has happened differently.

Furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. And when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

You must FORCE yourself to move on... NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY... But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying... you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time...

Go travel or meet someone new... FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

it is not real. you strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. until she asks for more, you must let this go....look at my post many days ago. nothing has happened differently.

furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. and when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

you must FORCE yourself to move on....NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY....But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying....you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time....

Go travel or meet someone new...FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

Absolutely true! Enigmatic, you are your own victim. Girls need a MAN, not victims! I mean, no one needs victims. If she asks you about your life, tell her you are going to have some consult about yourself and your fears about life! You get my point? You put the ball on her hand, you "manipulate" her opinion on you by telling her that you are going to change, and not because of her, but because of yourself, and the third point, you tell her that the door will remain open! And than you MOVE ON with your life, and I really suggest you make a consult about relationships, about such behaviours, insecurities, fears, everything, and be a better man!! IMPORTANT< BE A MAN! At this point, she will know that if she wants to come back, she will find someone completely new, somehow perfect. I mean, you have your bad side and your good side and she already knows them. Now you are going to repair your bad side, which is your fears and insecuritys, your co-dependency, and all the rest. BUT DO NOT GO AFTER HER, AND TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE OF HER!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD YOURSELF! SO, JUST TELL HER THIS, AND Disappear! LET HER COME AFTER YOU IF SHE WANTS. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HER PATH BY KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH HER, OR EVEN FLIRTING WITH HER, OR WHATEVER.

You are still responding. She still has you. Stop answering her e-mails PERIOD. When you stop responding to her, she will stop contacting you.

Wowowow, what is here... and you are supposed to be a girl? Don't you understand? She doesn't want him out of her life (like my ex didnt), and he doesn't want her out of her life. He just need a little push on the right track. And if you think, the right track is just stop the contact, I'm sorry girl, you are a big loser, just because you don't even try to win! You just see black and white... and this dissapoints me. What I say he needs, he needs to change her opionion, even by "manipulating" that opinion. The girl was stuck with his behaviour, that's all. She was bored of such "male-female" behaviour. A man is someone SECURE, ATTRACTIVE, A CHALLENGE FOR THE GIRL! He was not, and he lost his attractiveness because of his insecurities, and a couple of other things. He is his own fault. HE NEED TO CHANGE!

She does this to you to get a reaction and she gets one. Stop responding to her. No contact whatsoever, then she will stop. People can only use you if you continue to let them.

She used him?? Where? How? When? I don't get this.

I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether or not you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

I betted you are going to say this. He is not letting go of her... The girl sent him a mail, and he is the one who is not letting her go... what the heck. Don't you understand ? She can't come like "oh hello dear, im here, sorry for cheating on you, how have you been, lets go another round". She left him because of his fears and insecurity, and now she is afraid of his fears and insecurities again. Common, why its so complicated, I don't understand?

I think she likes you as a friend but senses you have self-confidence issues.

She is kinda right.

Look for a woman you can be yourself with....she is not that girl. If you could date her casually, she would probably do it, but as a life partners you all are not a good match. She thinks you are a bit insecure.....But again, she does like you. But wants her freedom still. I cannot predict the future, but right now she is testing the waters but is not 100% sure....which is normal.

Ruling: Move on. And have her as a friend when you can handle it being finite.
Do not dream of long weekends in bed and long conversations by the pool, and
at cafes....Not now anyway. You too seem to make eachother uneasy. Also, if you have a drinking issue, I would consider easing back on it. It makes you angry apparently.

Guess what. That's exactly what I was saying... She is afraid of his insecurity. She has a bad opionion of him. What does he need to do? Tell her he is going to change. HE WILL HAVE THOSE ISSUES WITH EVERY GIRL, IF HE IS NOT GOING TO CONSULT.

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123

Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyways thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

I know I will have the same status as Homegirl50, but I hope you got my point. Ok, your insecurity was cultivated in the long run... I understand... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? I really don't understand? Are we talking about a man or a woman? A MAN Shouldn't BE INSECURE, NEVER EVER! HE SHOULD BE DECISIVE. IF THE GIRL WANTS TO GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WAY, LET HER GET OUT, IMMEDIATELY! OR BETTER, PUSH HER AWAY OF THE RELATION. LOOK AT HER REACTION THEN... SHE WILL THINK SHE IS NOT WORTH OF YOU, AND YOU STILL REMAIN THE CATCH! THIS WAY YOU TELL HER YOU ARE A MAN AND GIRLS GO AFTER HIM, I MEAN YOU ARE THE CATCH AND NOT THE CATCHER, OR SOME DOG ON THE STREET WHO GOES AFTER HER, AND EVEN TRIES TO CHANGE HER WAY. No you putted some slush over her opinion about you, and you have to "wash" that by trying to change yourself! ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!

OOOh, plenty of discourse. This will require a good dissection when I can break free from my hectic life. No worries, I would say that I'm doing quite good now. I am in full control of myself and I am working on the co-dependency and other things. I'm not seeking her out and there are some misunderstandings especially with how I was towards her. I will be back later to try and answer your posts. I will say this though, while I was very insecure back then, I can honestly say I've made great progress in the time I've been alone. It's been 6 months now since we broke up so my thoughts are different. I've been to therapy. Also, something I've never mentioned, I upheld the break up months ago. She did come back telling me how she could not live without me and I said we had to remain broken up because we both were effed up so to speak. In any case, I will go into detail later. Cheers.

Chuff Chuff.... man, it seems to me like you hate the whole world. take it easy bro. why do people need the wrong side of a superanalyze? They hear that, and they believe chuff is all right. Chuff is the god. Ok, she was what she was. he is what he is. but in the end. i dont understand one point, in every post you made. you never try to judge the "victim". He is a victim of himself. He awaits from the relation to bring him joy, happiness, loyalty, honesty, or whatever, and he gives everything. common, we all are different people, arent we ? we can't change people, but we can be adapted. Right? the question in here is, she is a girl who she is, and she isnt a whore or something like that. she sees things in her way. he was not a challenge anymore for her, he was open in every damn point, and he was expecting her to be open in everypoint. he can't deal with that, and he accussed her of cheating??? even if she was cheating. nobody wakes up in the morning saying im going to cheat on my boyfriend today!!! there is absolutely a reason. the reason is him. he should take responsability of his own behaviour. Relations need challenge, relations need male and female. and he was a "female" male, with his behaviour, or as i like to call, a wuss. He didnt gave her what she wanted. CHALLENGE< AFFECTION< ATTRACTIVENESS< FLIRT... THIS IS PART OF THE WORK IN A RELATION! You want to have the dog in your house? Than give him eat, otherwise he will go and eat somewhere else! Instead he gave her the wrong meat - his heart...??? ONCE YOU GIVE THE HEART, YOU GIVE EVERYTHING! AND THERE IS NO MORE ATTRACTION! HE WAS NOT A MAN IN THIS GAME! THE WHOLE PART OF A WOMAN IN THIS GAME IS TO WIN HIS HEART. THAT WAS THE CHALLENGE. SHE WON THAT, AND NOW. BYE BYE. Why the heck she didnt cheated on him the first year ???? Because there was challenge, affection, attractiveness, flirt. Right? once she had everything, it was gone, she didnt felt like that anymore. And people can't control their feelings! People can't say im going to feel for this guy. or the opposite. Im not saying she is an angel. Im just judging HIM! I tell you something, that i think it happened! He said her time after time "i love you", "i love you"... Why? Just to have her approval and to control her thoughts. And on the other side, she knew he loves her, and she took him for granted. SO HERE WAS NO CHALLENGE IN THE GAME, FOR THE GIRL TO STAY! HE forgot the rules man, and its his fault!!! He thought ok, we have the relation now, and we do not need anymore challenge, or flirts, or whatever, so im going to be completely open. Take an example. You see a movie. Its awesome... its more awesome because you dont know how is going to end. If you could see the end since the beginning, that movie is no more longer attractive. Do you get my point ?

My response,

I think Chuff made some great points. He wasn't right about everything but then again who is. I was a victim of myself, but I think being with her it only perpetuated my negativity, she was the wrong person at the wrong time. I wouldn't say I was completely open in every way. After that trip she did basically beg me to stay with her and she hurried the move in with fear she would lose me. I think the challenge died down after that when I became paranoid due to her past and the "cheating" situation on that trip. Please understand, you're obvious statements are clear to me now that I'm thinking objectively but hindsight is 20;20 right? Nobody wakes up in the morning to say I'm going to cheat on someone but is it less wrong when they do it anyway? I would think cheating is cheating regardless of whether it was premeditated or not. It destroys trust. I would say she is the type of girl to sabotage relationships by doing what she did on that trip. It wasn't the first time she had done it to someone, i.e. her ex boyfriend. She has abandonment issues which my therapist highlighted. While I agree now 6 months later that I cannot change anyone back then I didn't know any better and I was blinded by love. So reassuring me that I can't change people or manipulate them in the present time is a moot point you don't need to make to me. I think somewhere in my responses I even stated how I realized that was a mistake which makes it seem like you didn't read the whole post. She was actually the one that said I love you first. After the "emotional cheating" incident I stopped saying it for a while and she again initiated it. I don't think I was a female male in that aspect, but I was feminine when we moved in together and I became paranoid and clingy. Again I've admitted that was a mistake, and again hindsight is 20:20 and again you may have missed that response within this post. While I believe your simplistic explanation of maintaining the fire brewing within a relationships is mostly accurate, I think the complexities of my situation distorted that approach considering the actions on both our sides. I think Chuff was right when he said that she left me emotionally way before she did physically. You should really use past tense a bit more. When you said "he can't deal with that, and he accussed her of cheating???", you should have said couldn't deal with that, you know, the past tense form of the sentence. Again I have already admitted this was a mistake. It seems like the timeline you have envisioned for my situation is slightly skewed from your point of view. I initially instructed you should look up my post because I think you could have seen the similarities between our situations. This was much longer ago for me than it was you, and I, like YOU, was also paranoid. I thought it would help you by seeing what MISTAKES I made as well. Clearly you missed that point. Cheers.

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

it is not real. you strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. until she asks for more, you must let this go....look at my post many days ago. nothing has happened differently.

furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. and when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

you must FORCE yourself to move on....NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY....But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying....you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time....

Go travel or meet someone new...FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

Smoothy, Mateus, and of course Ash,

First of all, I quit drinking and have not drank for 5 months now, so I don't think it's possible for them to become an alcoholic again when I'm not drinking. I'll be realistic, I don't think even with the number of relationships I've had I can say that I have enough experience with women. You should read my response to Mateus, your assertions are similar to his. I've had help, and I have done quite well for myself actually. I had a slight hiccup when she emailed me but I have that under control now. I'm not going crazy anymore. The only reason this post resurfaced is because I directed Mateus to it to see the mistakes I made and to see the parallels between his situation, which he clearly missed. Again please read my response to Mateus as I don't want to retype everything.
While I agree that I was a good candidate for help, I don't think I'm reaching insanity to the point where you could describe me as the "perfect" candidate for therapy.

Absolutely true! Enigmatic, you are your own victim. Girls need a MAN, not victims! I mean, no one needs victims. If she asks you about your life, tell her you are going to have some consult about yourself and your fears about life! You get my point? You put the ball on her hand, you "manipulate" her opinion on you by telling her that you are going to change, and not because of her, but because of yourself, and the third point, you tell her that the door will remain open! And than you MOVE ON with your life, and i really suggest you make a consult about relationships, about such behaviours, insecurities, fears, everything, and be a better man!!!! IMPORTANT< BE A MAN! At this point, she will know that if she wants to come back, she will find someone completely new, somehow perfect. I mean, you have your bad side and your good side and she already knows them. Now you are going to repair your bad side, which is your fears and insecuritys, your co-dependency, and all the rest. BUT DO NOT GO AFTER HER, AND TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE OF HER!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD YOURSELF! SO, JUST TELL HER THIS, AND DISSAPEAR! LET HER COME AFTER YOU IF SHE WANTS. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HER PATH BY KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH HER, OR EVEN FLIRTING WITH HER, OR WHATEVER.

Matteus,

I do hope you are following your own advice. Being a man is the only alternative I've had. I never told her I changed for her. I told her how great I was doing but I would NEVER give her that satisfaction. I think I'm eliminating my negative characteristics, but that is endless thing really. There is no perfection, but I am trying to be the best I can be. If in fact I was as co-dependent as you describe me I would have begged her to stay, I would have let us get back together when she initially came back to me 4 months ago and when she contacted me recently I would have asked her out, which I have clearly not done. I initially wrote this post to figure out whether I should attempt to be friends with her or maybe more. I was weakened slightly by her email to me. But I think we can agree that is perfectly human. I came on here and I got the strength which I drew upon to realize trying to rekindle something at this point- considering her callous emails which I think you seemed to miss the importance of that - would be utterly destructive. I still hope some day we can be friends, as we were initially. I think in fact I did very well by cutting her off for as long as I did, I mean I avoided her like the plague after the breakup. I never went back and have yet to ask for her back, even right after we broke up. So I hope you can understand your opinion is confounding, but I appreciate it.

I know i will have the same status as Homegirl50, but i hope you got my point. Ok, your insecurity was cultivated in the long run... i understand... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? I really dont understand? Are we talking about a man or a woman? A MAN SHOULDNT BE INSECURE, NEVER EVER! HE SHOULD BE DECISIVE. IF THE GIRL WANTS TO GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WAY, LET HER GET OUT, IMMEDIATELY! OR BETTER, PUSH HER AWAY OF THE RELATION. LOOK AT HER REACTION THEN... SHE WILL THINK SHE IS NOT WORTH OF YOU, AND YOU STILL REMAIN THE CATCH! THIS WAY YOU TELL HER YOU ARE A MAN AND GIRLS GO AFTER HIM, I MEAN YOU ARE THE CATCH AND NOT THE CATCHER, OR SOME DOG ON THE STREET WHO GOES AFTER HER, AND EVEN TRIES TO CHANGE HER WAY. No you putted some slush over her opinion about you, and you have to "wash" that by trying to change yourself! ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!

I will refer to the previous email for this response. Furthermore, there is no need really to use the caps lock as much as you do. I think I can understand you are very passionate when it comes to your opinion. I think within reason, you are merely trying to knock some sense into what you perceive is my fragmented psyche. Yet, fortunately it is not needed. I really don't think I have to defend my manhood. I've had quite a bit of strength. I think it took a lot out of me not to go after her. Not to beg for her. I cut her off completely and utterly. She called me repeatedly after we broke up, to the point where I had to turn off my phone for a couple of days. I mean I just completely cut her off. It wasn't until she showed up at my doorstep a while later saying that she could never replace me. I told her it was as it must be and that she was brave to break it off. Then there is more to it; after a week later she did some really questionable things that I rather not mention to strike back at me, because I think that rejection hurt her deeply. You see it wasn't merely she broke up with me and she wouldn't see me or want me. It was she broke up with me, and I upheld it even though she came back. That was the reality of it. I made her stick with her decision, even to this day. She emailed me telling me she was single. She has probably dated and hasn't had luck yet, so she emails me to feel good about herself. That's my analysis of the present. I have yet to run back and I have maintained my strength. Read my post fully and see that I eventually came to understand I cannot be with her. Friendship would be nice but I think that's unlikely sadly. I think it's my fault for not going over everything that has happened for the confusion. I appreciate your responses very much and don't think I'm trying to rebuff you guys but the situation must be clear because I have given a lot of advice here and I don't want others who I've helped and have thanked me to think I'm insane, like Ash implies, :) or still undergoing chaos. I don't want to let them down.

I might add, I have also dated within the last month. Just casually, as I should have done in the past. Go dancing or to watch a movie, dinner and other things. But I haven't thrown myself in because I understand I'm still growing. That and my career is crazy hectic, so I can't give myself, or should I say I'm not willing to give myself, full on to the girls I date. I haven't had an issue yet and who knows maybe I'll find the right one for me down the line. Thanks Chuff for understanding. I have grown, I started thinking about it. When I initially posted it was like the day after I got a message from her. I just think they misunderstood the situation and how it has evolved. Furthermore, learning from that I've been able to give advice effectively. Nothing like actually going through difficulty to deepen ones wisdom.

wowowow, what is here.... and you are supposed to be a girl? dont you understand? she doesnt want him out of her life (like my ex didnt), and he doesnt want her out of her life. He just need a little push on the right track. And if you think, the right track is just stop the contact, im sorry girl, you are a big loser, just because you dont even try to win! you just see black and white... and this disappoints me. What i say he needs, he needs to change her opinion, even by "manipulating" that opinion. The girl was stuck with his behaviour, that's all. She was bored of such "male-female" behaviour. A man is someone SECURE, ATTRACTIVE, A CHALLENGE FOR THE GIRL! He was not, and he lost his attractiveness because of his insecurities, and a couple of other things. He is his own fault. HE NEED TO CHANGE!
I am neither a girl or a loser. I'm 54 year old woman who does not believe in playing games. This is all quite juvenile going through all these changes for someone who does not want you, for whatever reason. If someone says they don't want to be with you , leave them alone, if they keep calling and it bothers you, don't respond, if you do, it's on you.

Smoothy, Mateus, and of course Ash,

First of all, I quit drinking and have not drank for 5 months now, so I don't think it's possible for em to become an alcoholic again when I'm not drinking. I'll be realistic, I don't think even with the number of relationships I've had I can say that I have enough experience with women. You should read my response to Mateus, your assertions are similar to his. I've had help, and I have done quite well for myself actually. I had a slight hiccup when she emailed me but I have that under control now. I'm not going crazy anymore. The only reason this post resurfaced is because I directed Mateus to it to see the mistakes I made and to see the parallels between his situation, which he clearly missed. Again please read my response to Mateus as I don't want to retype everything.
While I agree that I was a good candidate for help, I don't think I'm reaching insanity to the point where you could describe me as the "perfect" candidate for therapy.

Well, maybe my english lost the sense in some points of my explanation, like "he can't deal with that", it meant "he couldnt deal with that". Anyway.
Second. I got the paralels between our situations. But you are missing something in my post. I was talking about the paralels between our mistakes. Not our ex's. Im not saying the girl was an angel, but the girl has nothing to do with your mistakes. She was a punctured bag of virtues and morality, like mine. And like mine, she had this abandonment issues, that is going to ruin every relation of her, but that's not my problem. I'm talking about the problems we guys have, or had. Codependency, insecurity, controlling, manipulative, jealous, etc. In someway, we both have to thank our ex's because they "discovered" our problems. And if those problems aren't fixed, the girl could be an angel, and really love you, but when you are clingy, dependent, etc, she just will leave you because you are being boring and . You get it now ? In your and my situation, we could have had a different position, if we were real man, and save much drama in our life. Just because of this. The moment the girl begins to show some red flags in the relation and "tries" to make you insecure, than, be the man, and lead her out of the relation. And cheers :) without capslock :)

I am neither a girl or a loser. I'm 54 year old woman who does not believe in playing games. This is all quite juvenile going through all these changes for someone who does not want you, for whatever reason. If someone says they don't want to be with you , leave them alone, if they keep calling and it bothers you, don't respond, if you do, it's on you.

And why would a girl, who cheated on me, who in the same moment, after I broke up with her, acussed me of spying on her, and for being a controlling type, suddenly has the nerves to play games with me? Ok she accused me for reducing her own guilt, but if she isn't interested, than even if I have a bad opinion about her, wouldn't be so interesting to her and she shouldn't care about what the hell I think about her. And suddenly even tells me that she wants to be friends with me? After such a hate and 2 months without speaking, and my efforts to bring her to the table for the last time, to speak with her, because I had the right in the end to know where I "failed" and drink at least a last coffe like civic, and her telling me that I dissapointed her so much that she can't even talk to me anymore, suddenly wants to remain friends? And now she speaks to me when she is online, now and than? Even tells me that there was a middle time which was great and real, and she doesn't want to forget it and wants us to remain friends, after I said that its not good for both of us to have a contact anymore? Maybe you are a woman who knows things better than me, I'm not going to deny it, but it seems like we have different opinion about this, or my mind just want to see the colors in a black paper.

Matteus,

I do hope you are following your own advice. Being a man is the only alternative I've had. I never told her I changed for her. I told her how great I was doing but I would NEVER give her that satisfaction. I think I'm eliminating my negative characteristics, but that is endless thing really. There is no perfection, but I am trying to be the best I can be. If in fact i was as co-dependent as you describe me I would have begged her to stay, I would have let us get back together when she initially came back to me 4 months ago and when she contacted me recently I would have asked her out, which I have clearly not done. I initially wrote this post to figure out whether I should attempt to be friends with her or maybe more. I was weakened slightly by her email to me. But I think we can agree that is perfectly human. I came on here and I got the strength which I drew upon to realize trying to rekindle something at this point- considering her callous emails which I think you seemed to miss the importance of that - would be utterly destructive. I still hope some day we can be friends, as we were initially. I think in fact I did very well by cutting her off for as long as I did, I mean I avoided her like the plague after the breakup. I never went back and have yet to ask for her back, even right after we broke up. So I hope you can understand your opinion is confounding, but I appreciate it.

Maybe I was giving an advice to the wrong man on the wrong time :) I didn't saw when the post was posted. Anyway. Yes, the advice I gave, I'm already making it by myself. And yes, I got success. I didn't get her back, as I didn't wanted to get her back. I told you, I do things for myself, for my improvements. If I said to let her know that the door still remains open, well, here we have different level of forgiveness maybe. Well, yes, I came to the point of forgiving her, and not yesterday, but 3-4 months ago. Why? I don't know. Don't ask me. Maybe because of her I came to the point that I have these issues like you. Or maybe I'm someone completely idiot, or totally altruist, and believes even the devil. I don't care. I don't hate her. I was and I'm still focused on myself. And as long as there were problems with me, I don't have the right to hate her, or something like that. Cheating is definitely the biggest problem in a relation. But what about jealosy, insecurity, codependency, possessivenes, manipulative and controlling behaviour? It would be much easier to say myself that I don't have any of this problems, I'm the best, and than hate her as much as I could.

I've found that while you may feel you wish to be friends in reality her being there will dredge up old thoughts and feelings about her and this will cause much stress to you. I'm not saying its not possible to be friends after the history you have had with her. What I am saying is that very few people could really pull it off without baggage from the past causing problems.

I know that I couldn't do it for example. Yeah I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I once had a relationship with, while we didn't break up for reasons you did, it was just life obligations that trumped our relationship at the time and it was one or the other but not both. While I can say I have no ill feelings for her and never did, I have found that the ghosts of the past can be very much alive in the present. As such I have had to avoid her completely for years.

I've found that while you may feel you wish to be friends in reality her being there will dredge up old thoughts and feelings about her and this will cause much stress to you. I'm not saying its not possible to be friends after the history you have had with her. What I am saying is that very few people could really pull it off without baggage from the past causing problems.

I know that I couldn't do it for example. Yeah I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I once had a relationship with, while we didn't break up for reasons you did, it was just life obligations that trumped our relationship at the time and it was one or the other but not both. While I can say I have no ill feelings for her and never did, I have found that the ghosts of the past can be very much alive in the present. As such I have had to avoid her completely for years.

Let talk about this "friends" you talk. I believe in something, and I think you all missed that. People can change. As people can change theirs ways, or their thoughts about things and people also. Now, what I'm saying is this. You lost your lover. Because of life obligations, as you say. In your case, where your paths seemed to take different targets, because of life, you are going to lose your lover, your friend too, and the possibility to have another chance in the future, cause maybe the path of your lifes may cross over again. You are telling me that, if the paths will cross again, its not so important if you lost contact with your ex or not. Hmmmm. I wouldn't say that. Lets assume for a moment. After 2-3 years, your paths cross again. You even have forgotten about your ex, and you don't even know this person anymore, I mean about her life, etc. You are going to begin again the whole thing, which is much harder to believe that is worth. Instead, staying "friends", maybe you both could have less obligations in your life, someday, and rethink about the whole thing. Without being friends, you just lost your chance, and maybe that relation was really worth, like mine was (although in somehow I believe it was a rebound). Im not saying that my relation was bad, but the breakup was bad. You get my point? And because of that breakup, I'm going to lose my friend, and maybe in the future (if the lady really understands what I was), another relation with her. I say, although it was a bad breakup, I'm at the point that, everything can be forgoten and forgiven. Im not flying on the sky. Im on the earth. I just believe that I'm worth a second chance as she is. It doesn't depend on me. On me depends only this: "from my part, i let my door open".

We were friends before. I guess you can say we still remain friends. She can deal with being just friends. Our lives didn't go different ways. Her problem was what she had to do to get herself hopelessly out of debt to provide for herself and kids. She did what she felt was the only way to get though that point, I however had a real problem with it on a personal level. And you know how it goes, Blood is thicker than water like they say. No I won't go into details as to what it was out of respect for her privacy which I still assume she wants on this.

Its been a lot of years but I still do have strong feelings for her, so because of that its best I keep my distance. I'm happily married now and my wife does not deserve to be subjected to any of this or the stress I have that might reflect on her. It is after all not fair for her. Besides she's the insanely jealous type (my wife that is).

I've bumped into her at times. And I will openly admit she was without a doubt the closest friend I have ever had. And she has said the same about me.

Yeah some people can deal with this like I said (she is one), but like most people I remember everything about her and we never had a nasty break. It was a simple I have to do this and you have to deal with it. I was the one who had trouble dealing with it.

Now what it was caused me great internal conflict, but it was never anything intended to harm or hurt me. And just in case she happens to be a member here it shall remain a secret.

But I did move on, got married and am quite happy with my wife, which is my priority. Oh I've seen her from time to time, she doesn't live far from me by some twist of fate. Her kids all know me as does her current husband. It just feels incredible awkward for me when I do as we were the sort of friends that literally knew everything about each other (stuff we never told anyone else), there was nothing either of us felt a need to keep from the other. And strangely enough I can't say that about my wife or any other person I have known.

Would I leave me wife for her? No... I won't even consider it. Are feelings still there and strong even after all these years? Yes, and she has said the same. But neither of us will act on them for the obvious reasons. She is just better at dealing with it than I am.

But with that said, would you and her both be able to deal with this in a mature manner? Who knows, but you both would have to be that rare type of person.

It's very coincidental that my topic was reopened due to the current conversation. I just got an email from the ex today. She responded to my blatant inquiry into her intentions. I straight out asked her what it is she wanted and why she had contacted me. I told her I didn't have time to deal with games and that I was busy getting better. She wrote back saying this effectively; "I want to be friends is all. I don't know whether you're comfortable with this but I'd like to be friends and move on." She keeps telling me about her life and how great it is. She also said it was OK if I couldn't deal with it. I have two options. I can be the strong one and tell her that being friends is really not an option. She has yet to take responsibility for any of her actions despite me doing so and her emails are riddled with what seems like slightly self-indulgent blurbs. The second option is to go with it and see what happens. I don't know what would happen if we were to try and be friends. I know I certainly could not dedicate much time to her. I am a very busy guy, I have a ton of responsibilities. I think our situation is at the point where she has more to gain from me being friends with her than I do. I was taken back by the fact that I was slightly upset when she said she wanted to be just friends. I don't know how that would be possible. When we broke up she said she didn't want to end it. She did come back and I did rebuff her. I also didn't really want to end it back then. Now I see my desolation as a career necessity, but I can't help but think that this woman who initially was my really good friend, could be that again. I'm pondering.

But with that said, would you and her both be able to deal with this in a mature manner? Who knows, but you both would have to be that rare type of person.

I had two options about this ex of mine. Be strong, tell her, I don't want her as a friend, and without offending her for what she did, just go on "no contact", and this way loose my lover, and my friend too. Well, I have to say. I kept thinking and thinking about that. Maybe I was vulnerable at that time, for taking the No Contact way, but even today, after 7 months of break up, I am here, and I consider her a friend of mine. Yes, I admit, I have strong feelings for her, and every time we speak, its like my heart wants to explode, I mean, I got so emotions inside, but she told me she wants me to be friends, and I'm wanted to respect that decision of her and er respecting it. It was better for me to accept this new status, better friends than nothing (I admit she has been really a good time in my life and more than just a lover, and as a person I really have respect, admiration and sympathy toward her). Why? Because I can deal with that, and let the feelings die slowly. At least, after 10 years, I will not say to myself "why didnt wanted I to be a friend of her". Deep inside me, there was always this wish of mine, giving ourselves a new chance some day, but I'm not going to think about it for now, or take any hopes on it. Yeah, I may sound weird, or as you say, a rare person for accepting it (let alone the feelings), I don't know, but in this case, when you say someone I want to be a friend of yours, and he doesn't respect it, but keeps thinking about his own feelings, for me, he is an egoistic person, who can't deal with this new status, nothing more. Its not an opinion toward you, its how I see it.

I had two options about this ex of mine. Be strong, tell her, i dont want her as a friend, and without offending her for what she did, just go on "no contact", and this way loose my lover, and my friend too. Well, i have to say. I kept thinking and thinking about that. Maybe i was vulnerable at that time, for taking the No Contact way, but even today, after 7 months of break up, i am here, and i consider her a friend of mine. Yes, i admit, i have strong feelings for her, and every time we speak, its like my heart wants to explode, i mean, i got so emotions inside, but she told me she wants me to be friends, and im wanted to respect that decision of her and er respecting it. It was better for me to accept this new status, better friends than nothing (i admit she has been really a good time in my life and more than just a lover, and as a person i really have respect, admiration and sympathy toward her). Why? because i can deal with that, and let the feelings die slowly. At least, after 10 years, i will not say to my self "why didnt wanted I to be a friend of her". Deep inside me, there was always this wish of mine, giving ourselfs a new chance some day, but im not going to think about it for now, or take any hopes on it. Yeah, i may sound weird, or as you say, a rare person for accepting it (let alone the feelings), i dont know, but in this case, when you say someone i want to be a friend of yours, and he doesnt respect it, but keeps thinking about his own feelings, for me, he is an egoistic person, who can't deal with this new status, nothing more. Its not an opinion toward you, its how i see it.


You are taking the romantic's view of it. You have to ask yourself, much like I am asking myself now, does accepting her proposal to be friends mean that you are giving into her? Women don't want weak men. If one gives into their ex's desire to be friends, while that keeps the idea open that we might someday actually become friends or more, it also means we are doing what she wants. Think about it, in all reality she wants you to be friends with her because she misses you or has an inability to accept someone disliking her. Once she (and this also applies to my situation) says it is over that's a final heartbreaking decision she made. She lost you, so then does she get the privilege of having your presence around? It's a delicate situation. Because alternatively, if you do try and become friends, maybe that is what you were meant to be in the first place. You could also be missing out on a lot. Then again, keeping contact really only slows down our healing and may even prevent us from finding someone else who may be better for us because we hold on to the past and it clouds are present and future. Brain is hurting right now, must rest. ARGH

It's very coincidental that my topic was reopened due to the current conversation. I just got an email from the ex today. She responded to my blatant inquiry into her intentions. I straight out asked her what it is she wanted and why she had contacted me. I told her I didn't have time to deal with games and that I was busy getting better. She wrote back saying this effectively; "I want to be friends is all. I don't know whether you're comfortable with this but I'd like to be friends and move on." She keeps telling me about her life and how great it is. She also said it was ok if I couldn't deal with it. I have two options. I can be the strong one and tell her that being friends is really not an option. She has yet to take responsibility for any of her actions despite me doing so and her emails are riddled with what seems like slightly self-indulgent blurbs. The second option is to go with it and see what happens. I don't know what would happen if we were to try and be friends. I know I certainly could not dedicate much time to her. I am a very busy guy, I have a ton of responsibilities. I think our situation is at the point where she has more to gain from me being friends with her than I do. I was taken back by the fact that I was slightly upset when she said she wanted to be just friends. I don't know how that would be possible. When we broke up she said she didn't want to end it. She did come back and I did rebuff her. I also didn't really want to end it back then. Now I see my desolation as a career necessity, but I can't help but think that this woman who initially was my really good friend, could be that again. I'm pondering.


I don't know, but if you consider yourself strong enough now, in the meaning to forget the past, in your position, I wouldn't destroy that friendship. I wouldn't hope or wait what the future may bring, but live the moment for now.

I talk to my ex every so often, it seems sad to block someone out of your life who you spent so much time with. But also their must be a balance. For instance, my boyfriend now, would probably feel uncomfortable if I were emailing my ex every 5 days. And once you meet someone new, they might not appreciate as much contact either. Exs are Exs for a reason, take what you learned and move forward. That's the best thing to do. Always look out for #1 (thats you) because no one else will. My girlfriends have helped me through more breakups than I can count, good friends are imperative.

I talk to my ex every so often, it seems sad to block someone out of your life who you spent so much time with. But also their must be a balance. For instance, my boyfriend now, would probably feel uncomfortable if I were emailing my ex every 5 days. And once you meet someone new, they might not appreciate as much contact either. Exs are Exs for a reason, take what you learned and move forward. Thats the best thing to do. Always look out for #1 (thats you) because no one else will. My girlfriends have helped me thru more breakups than I can count, good friends are imperative.

Yes, but who initiated the contact and why? She's emailing me weekly and sending pics and is awfully chatty about her life and it's all unprompted by me. You're not doing that and you also have a boyfriend. Why do you think it sad that he would be out of your life, is it solely because you spent so much time with him? Is it because it's a shame to let all that time you spent go to waste? Seemingly you're not close friends with him. Why keep the door open? I'm not trying to be rude I'm genuinely curious.

I think this friendship thing is a crutch. She just does not want to say "it's over" but it is, and it's her way of letting you both down easy.
You can say, OK lets be friends, but I think that will die out. In the end you have to do what is gong to be best for you. She called for the break. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable, but to help you get better. Do what is going to work for you.

I think this friendship thing is a crutch. She just does not want to say "it's over" but it is, and it's her way of letting you both down easy.
You can say, OK lets be friends, but I think that will die out. In the end you have to do what is gong to be best for you. She called for the break. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable, but to help you get better. Do what is going to work for you.


Homegirl it's been 6 months. I haven't seen her and I hadn't heard from her in 5 months. We both have already said it's over. It's a given she doesn't have to let us down easy because we let each other down the hard way. I remember she had said it's over straight up with no compassion. And then I had said, look we can't live with each other. Why come back 6 months later and say "I just want to be friends"? I will tell you what my suspicions are. I think she is having difficulty finding a guy who can reach her intellectually. She's a bright girl. A little on the crazy side, but bright nonetheless. She can get any guy she wants, but I think the guys she is getting are probably not stimulating her, so she comes to me for that now. She doesn't want a physical or romantic relationship, but through friendship she wants me to be the intellectual stimulant. That in a sense is like a crutch. What is driving me bananas is the potentiality of being incorrect. What if in fact she has moved on but had valued me as a person in her life who was influential, and wants to try and actually have a friendship? I will agree with you that there is a better chance of it dying down. Because I have to face that whatever her intentions are if she, or I, find a person that blows our minds away we would let go to a certain extent. :o I think I effed up her ability to buy into mens bs lines and tactics. All through our relationship I taught her (to my own detriment) the different bull tactics men employ in order to get into women's pants. The question that I have for her is "what does she get out of this?". That's really what I'm pondering asking her or looking to be answered. Don't worry homegirl, what you are doing is breaking the bullsh!t immature dream wandering, illusions that I've held. I'm very skeptical at this point.

Maybe she is missing you, but the friend you. At any rate, I wouldn't go for it. If you're comfortable being friends with her, go for it. Otherwise, if she calls have a casual conversation but don't call her.
Continue moving on with your life.

Yeah I feel like it's a lose lose situation. It sucks.

If I don't even respond she will see that as rude and I will be the bad guy.

If I do respond saying I can't be friends with her it will seem like I'm still not over her.

If I respond saying I want to be friends too, then it's me giving in to her and allowing her to not miss me.

I will tell you what, I will keep my life going, that much is certain. There is no way in heck I will allow myself to be derailed by her again. It just won't happen. I'm much stronger now. I also see the games we as people play now adays. I'm much more prolific. It's taken me a while from being completely socially inept to being at least allright with myself. I'm still pondering.

Homegirl it's been 6 months. I haven't seen her and I hadn't heard from her in 5 months. We both have already said it's over. It's a given she doesn't have to let us down easy because we let each other down the hard way. I remember she had said it's over straight up with no compassion. And then I had said, look we can't live with each other. Why come back 6 months later and say "I just want to be friends"? I will tell you what my suspicions are. I think she is having difficulty finding a guy who can reach her intellectually. She's a bright girl. A little on the crazy side, but bright nonetheless. She can get any guy she wants, but I think the guys she is getting are probably not stimulating her, so she comes to me for that now. She doesn't want a physical or romantic relationship, but through friendship she wants me to be the intellectual stimulant. That in a sense is like a crutch. What is driving me bananas is the potentiality of being incorrect. What if in fact she has moved on but had valued me as a person in her life who was influential, and wants to try and actually have a friendship? I will agree with you that there is a better chance of it dying down. Because I have to face that whatever her intentions are if she, or I, find a person that blows our minds away we would let go to a certain extent. :o I think I effed up her ability to buy into mens bs lines and tactics. All through our relationship I taught her (to my own detriment) the different bull tactics men employ in order to get into womens pants. The question that I have for her is "what does she get out of this?". That's really what I'm pondering asking her or looking to be answered. Don't worry homegirl, what you are doing is breaking the bullsh!t immature dream wandering, illusions that I've held. I'm very skeptical at this point.


You are torturing yourself. You are worrying about things that are 100% irrelevant:
"I taught her tactics men employ..."
OR
"The potentiality of being incorrect..."

You have 2 options:

1) Accept her as a platonic friend

2) Leave her out of you're your life.

In time (several more months) the decision will be more lucid for you I hope.

Let time do its work.
And if there is a silver lining here, it's that you may be able to see that you need to work on yourself... working on her and "teaching her" are the easy way to avoid working on yourself so the next person you fall in love with, you can share more with.

You are taking the romantic's view of it. You have to ask yourself, much like I am asking myself now, does accepting her proposal to be friends mean that you are giving into her? Women don't want weak men.

1. You think that she didn't saw your weak part during the relation? What are you trying to do now? To take your "power" back, be "strong" and cut her off your life? Well, why do you cut her off your life? Because you can't deal with your feelings. So, you take that path, because of your feelings? Because you are weak and afraid of your feelings?

2. Here is all about interests and compromises buddy. What is your will? To have her back. Deep inside you, you would want to come with her again in a relation, and maybe in the future. Right? Now, how can you do this, if you stop being her friend? You ask yourself a question. She asked you (like mine did) if I want to stay friends with her. Do you think she really mean this "friends" relation?? Even if she really means "friends", there will be always a "sexual" attraction toward each other. Remember, you had sex with her, and both of you, will have problem ignoring this attraction. Deep her, there will be always a "what if", as long as you stay friends. "what if i try again with this guy...?". You need to cultivate this question to her mind, by being the attractive and sensual guy you were in the beginning. They are not robots buddy, but human beings.


If one gives into their ex's desire to be friends, while that keeps the idea open that we might someday actually become friends or more, it also means we are doing what she wants. Think about it, in all reality she wants you to be friends with her because she misses you or has an inability to accept someone disliking her. Once she (and this also applies to my situation) says it is over that's a final heartbreaking decision she made. She lost you, so then does she get the privilege of having your presence around? It's a delicate situation. Because alternatively, if you do try and become friends, maybe that is what you were meant to be in the first place. You could also be missing out on a lot. Then again, keeping contact really only slows down our healing and may even prevent us from finding someone else who may be better for us because we hold on to the past and it clouds are present and future. Brain is hurting right now, must rest. ARGH

Listen buddy. I had an ex of mine. We broke up, and because I didn't felt like before, I mean, it was boring, I was not affected to the girl anymore, because she didn't knew how to make me fall for her. Anyway. We didn't spoke for 3 years at all. After 3 years, I called her. It was weird, because I saw her every 4-5 days during this years, and without speaking it was difficult for me to understand if she really changed something in her behaviour, or if she cultivated in herself, what I was looking for and make me feel attached to her. Well, we spoke, and I told her I would like to be friends. Guess what. She wanted to come in a relation again. That was not what I was asking for. I couldn't said to her that I want to see if you have changed, and you are better, etc, but indirectly, through the "friendship", I wanted to see if it was worth and she can make me fall for her. In somehow, I was looking to give myself "a chance" with this girl. I was not loking to give her that chance. Egoistic? Maybe, but feelings are egoistic at this point. I can't make myself fall for someone, this depends on the other person. She didn't wanted that, so still that day, we still don't talk anymore. You get my point? You can't see the changes in a person, or being attracted to that person, if you don't have contact. No contact means lost, means no contact, nothing, nada, no miss or such things. In your case, your ex, though this "contact" (which depends on the way you do this contact, the way you talk to her, things you do, etc) may be asking herself for her chance with you. You get my point ? I say, "be friends" with her, work on yourself, and every time you two speak to each other try to build the attraction again on her, through flirts, teasing, etc.

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.
Fantastic insight and a very fortunate person. Best wishes.

Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others.

Simply beautiful. This is where we find happiness and strength, then we find the good relationship.

Well, I found out today my ex is with someone else. I emailed her today saying that sure we could try being friends. Then I got a message from an old friend coincidentially. He told me that she has a relationship with some guy. Apparently for some time now, which is why she prompted the whole friend thing. In a way my situation resolved itself. I didn't run back, I didn't try again. I said sure to the friend thing but I kept my dignity. I'm shocked that it hurt somewhat though. I guess I never really let go fully. I am glad that it's done though. Now, I think I can truly move on. No more what if's and no more maybe's. No more alarms no more surprises. Let this be a lesson to anyone that seeks peace. Peace has to be gained from within. No one should have to give you peace. It is one's choice to attain it. Relying on others to get it for you is building your house on sand and not rock. Realization of this is step 1, it is only then that we can give peace to others. I've found my calling. The past has been resolved. Now I can try and gain my future.

Well done , I'm glad your through the worst of it and moving on. Good post!

Very wise words.

Thanks everyone. Now, I must combat becoming a cynic heh. My ego is bruised, but in a way I feel empowered. Almost like I must become even better. C'est La Vie.

Enigmagnetic, I'm glad that you have found peace and closure. I've found myself in a similar situation, finding out that my ex is seeing someone. My feelings and self image has also been bruised.

Having read the different circumstances for everyone who has lost someone they care about, a lot of advice is to keep busy and improve ourselves. I've come to this realization, there's nothing wrong with any of us, that we need to improve upon. Sure we might have made mistakes in the relationship, who doesn't. We are who we are, and we just weren't with someone that appreciated us for who we are. Each of us are unique with characteristics, and it should be a privilege for someone, when we share our lives with them. This is also true for the other person. When we find ourselves in the next relationship, remember to chose wisely, appreciate the other person, and don't let petty things get in the way.

Going off what enigmagnetic said about building your house on sand... We must not find security by depending on someone else. The only person you can truly depend on is yourself. Dependence on anyone else is weakness. Stay strong everyone.

I feel empowered. Almost like I must become even better. C'est La Vie.

(I'm so glad you made it through this! )

Now, of course, you are going to be on call to help others resolve romantic breakups!! You are AMHD's "designated driver".

You're going to be very busy!

Happy to hear that you have figured everything out and that your ready to leave the past where it is supposed to be and get ready for a brighter future.

Hello all,

I've been struggling with my mind lately. My past relationship has been finalized, and I'm no longer accruing emotional "escrow". In the previous months I've increasingly becoming well acquainted with all my past transgressions and imperfections, and acts that inspire shame. All the mistakes I've made through, not only the period of my last relationship, but overwhelmingly throughout life, have hit me like a tsunami. I'm indivisible now, as I'm completely alone and without social stimulation. I did this to myself. Pushed away all the people in my past one by one. Then with the last relationship the ties that binded me have been severed. I accepted it, and in fact, I anticipated it and once it arrived I realized I need to be alone. This has truly opened my eyes to the significant maladjustments of myself and, not unnoticed but rather postponed, the flaws within my family and my past. Without a therapist I've encountered these things on my own and I feel, quite frankly, rather exhausted and at times at war with moral questions. The reality of my generation is one that has been criticized as rather selfish and more so inclined to look at the self rather than the community. I do all I can to focus on others and help, but it's rather hard when I feel I have these seems that are not sown and will not be repaired easily. My question to all that can stand this self conscious plight, is this; Can it be possible after making so many wrongs in life and toward others to find redemption merely by doing the best you can to be the best you can (ie helping others in need, being as selfless as possible, giving without expecting anything, giving advise, teaching) without repairing those things that one has left behind?

Can I just forgive and forget without repairing those wrongs I've caused? Lord knows, I've tried to move on. My ex has, and she's happy now and all I feel is relief that she is happy and that for the time being that perhaps she doesn't hate me for all the mistakes, and that I don't hate her for her mistakes. That's all well and sugar but how can I ever know that I have in fact improved, without fear that I haven't. I can't date yet, because I feel I would possibly repeat the same mistakes. How does one know that they have changed or are ready?

I think this venting always helps.

Time.

That's what's still needed buddy.

You are only a couple months into this. 2 months from now you will be that much better.
A relationship comes to us when we are ready. You are not ready yet.
But it will happen.

Al l you can do is your best. If you recognized your mistakes your faults and now seek to improve yourself, that is all you can do.
I'm a believer and I believe that when I have done wrong to someone or against God I can repent, ask forgiveness and move on. That does not mean I will never face the consequenses of what I did in the past, but I am forgiven. Then you just pray that the mistakes you made will not be repeated.

It's hard to answer your question without knowing some specifics. Your post is very vague and global. But to attempt to give you some sort of response I'll say this ; it is certainly possible to change. You may not be able to make good on all of the wrongs that you've done (nobody can) but you can learn from them and vow not to repeat them in the future. Where you've done wrong in the past you can substitute doing right in the future. Anyone has it within them to make those types of changes. If you do, you'll come out being all the better a person for it and the rewards will realize themselves.

Anyone else having as much of a hard time getting through your first holiday season without the "other"? Man I tell you, going home to a slightly dysfunctional family, where you are one of the last to not have a relationship (if it wasn't for my 14 year old sister I'd be the only one) is excrutiating. While my old "princess" is probably hanging stockings with her new significant other next to a roaring fire while sipping on egg nog and talking about their future children, I'm trying to get the family dog to stop humping my leg. Although Fido's affection is appreciated I'm sure I could find better uses for my leg, and as for my head, well that's the problem. It is the constant mental struggle. I'm spending the season pretty much alone. New years It will be me and my conscience. Can anyone tell me that I'm not special for having no one? To all those that are struggling with a breakup I hope you find yourself with a friend or a family member to be there with you during the holiday season. I'm doing it alone and somehow surviving and not going completely mental. Cheers.

Hey, at least you have a family to go home to over the holidays. Lots of people don't.
Get involved in making the holiday a good one for all of you.
Live for today. Find good things happening all around you or make them happen.
Stop thinking everything is great for her, chances are there is no roaring fire, but a stuffy forced air furnace. Eggnog will make her fat, too. Cheers to you!

Boo hoo right Cerisa? I was looking to feel connected. Like I'm not the only one completely alone this holiday season. I know I have my family (to a certain extent, I actually wasn't invited for Christmas, but showed up anyways), and believe me I'm thankful, but I wanted to hear how others are spending their holidays and how they feel. I wanted to feel human I guess, I don't know. I've been acting like a robot for the last 20 days or so and I wanted to feel normal for a bit. I'm being silly probably. I'm not sure.

You will always have us, enig. And don't forget--a person can feel lonely in a room full of in-laws. (Welcome to my life... )

Dear Abby says to find one or more people who will spend the holidays alone and get together with them for punch and cookies or a movie and dinner or a walk around the block. Better, visit a nursing home or a hospital or an animal shelter and even become a volunteer there. If you can give a little from your heart, you will get back tenfold. You need to be needed; volunteering will do that for you. Sit and chat with an old person about who they used to be in the world they used to live in, play Checkers with a hospitalized teenager, brush a few homeless cats.

Hey enigmagnetic,

I had a very difficult Christmas myself, very similar to yours... I kept zoning out, imagining what my ex was up to. She broke up with me about 7 weeks ago and finally moved out 10 days before Christmas. I almost skipped out on the whole family thing to stay at home and get drunk instead, but I'm glad I didn't, as difficult as it was. Not sure what I'm doing for New Years yet, but I recommend you try to find a party or something instead of being alone with your thoughts.

Cheers, things will get better for us both in the new year.

Well.

My ex and I broke up 2 weeks before christmas. We actually planned to spend the holidays at a ski lodge. I already booked the room.

As for christmas, I had to work on christmas eve + christmas... I was alone. At home. By myself. Digiorno (microwaveable pizza) and a movie.

My ex is spending it with the new guy (after 3 days of us breaking up)

As far as the ski lodge, I already invited a few friends to go with me. The hell with relationships!

well.

my ex and i broke up 2 weeks before christmas. we actually planned to spend the holidays at a ski lodge. i already booked the room.

as for christmas, i had to work on christmas eve + christmas...i was alone. at home. by myself. digiorno (microwaveable pizza) and a movie.

my ex is spending it with the new guy (after 3 days of us breaking up)

as far as the ski lodge, i already invited a few friends to go with me. the hell with relationships!


Man I feeling you... I was trying to make a perfect christmas... so I ask this girl out I likes a lot and also thought she likes me too... but turn out

"Sorry Steven...i love you as a brother....."

So it sux big time and here I am spending time with my family my friends... over the holiday... hell that all we have and all we needed right?.

I saw her tonight. Looking radiant. She was with her other. I can't seem to catch a break. It hit me hard. Why has it hit me hard? It's been 7 months. What's wrong with me?

It's back. The confusion, the jitters, the fears and the dreams. She left me 7 months ago. A woman that many have told me was unique and amazing. I can't replace the void. I was doing fine for months. I felt stronger, faster, like I was reborn. I've volunteered to charities, gained much recognition at work, read book after book, gone back to school. I had accepted that someday I would die and that it would be without her by my side. Tonight I'm a mess. I saw her again and I've broken down. I ran to this site because I have nowhere else and no one else to reach for. I'm alone, and I was OK, for a while but then came the holidays. It seems like my depression started in late November. I've begun to have these wild dreams, of all my past relationships, past loves, past mistakes. I don't really sleep and when I do I dream those painful dreams of things I can't have. I'm craving alcohol again and I have no sponsor. Why is this happening? What's wrong with me? It's been 7 months and she's moved on. I actually saw her at a restaurant with her new man. I merely was getting take out for myself. She's radiant as ever and I'm in jeans with a stupid look on my face. When will it end? What's worse, is that I'm only now starting to realize that my whole social existence was always amplified by her. Everywhere I went I would be recognized and now I'm like a leper. I see others on this site, who move on so quickly. I see others where it takes years. I don't want it to be years.

She emailed me wanting to be friends a couple months back. I was cryptic and aloof. Her last email was praising me telling me how she saw me as a great individual but that we couldn't be together. She just wanted to be friends. I wrote back saying much but agreeing to little. I basically told her that I didn't have time for childish games and that it would take much time and effort to ever be friends. I was far from desperate and needy. I dare not seem like I miss her, I dare not seem like I'm weak, not to her. I'd rather die. I haven't heard from her. Is it consequential? I was tactically taunting her slightly. I even started the email off by saying "see I can still push your buttons" because I had slightly annoyed her. I had sent her a happy holidays message, much to my own chagrin, and haven't received any sort of reply. Now I'm talking like I want her back. The life I live now is so hard compared to when I was with her. When I was with her it was so easy and for some reason I was unhappy. I complained and I became a pathetic loser alcoholic. I didn't know better. I work so hard now. I try my best, even when my mood turns sour. What can I do to get rid of this feeling? I can't seem to make friends. It seems no one can understand me, and I wind up saying the wrong things, even though I try and be polite. I know everyone can't be an ahole, so that just implies I must be anti-social. I mean I try and be nice, witty, but it seems my charm has been reduced to rubble. I used to be the speaker at my company. I would attend high level meetings and not break a sweat. Now I'm a nervous wreck. When I was with her I never got sick. I've been sick a half dozen times including once with pneumonia. What's going on? Can someone relate?

I saw her tonight. Looking radiant. She was with her other. I can't seem to catch a break. It hit me hard. Why has it hit me hard? It's been 7 months. What's wrong with me?
Wow! 7 months?

You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of her. You also need to start doing physical exercise, as it helps you relax your mind. You don't need to join a gym, but if you do, there are usually TONS of single females there.

She's getting jollies knowing you are in agony and not moving on because of her. She is loving it. Your agony is making her life even better. Doesn't that bother you?

Wow! 7 months?

You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of her. You also need to start doing physical excercise, as it helps you relax your mind. You don't need to join a gym, but if you do, there are usually TONS of single females there.

She's getting jollies knowing you are in agony and not moving on because of her. She is loving it. Your agony is making her life even better. Doesn't that bother you?

There is no way she will ever know that I am in agony. I'd rather die then let that be known. I take it from your shock, that 7 months seems to be a bit extraordinary when it comes to moving on. Not only am I working out like a machine, I'm running miles every day. I'm finding it hard to meet anyone that can even be held near the same league as her. It sucks.

I said it in the other thread but I'll say it here too: This chick is absolutely loving the fact that you can't get over her. Seeing you miserable and alone is making her stronger with every passing day.

You need to block her from your lists. Delete her numbers and emails. Throw away anything that you own that reminds you of her. Get rid of her completely.

Then after you do all that, you need to start running or doing ab excercises or something. Or join a gym! You won't be alone that way, and there are several people you will meet that will become friends or even more!

I am working out. I have my own private gym. Perhaps that's the problem. It's an office gym, and not many work out there. She doesn't know I'm in agony. Nor does she know anything more than, I've had much success in everything I've done since her. I don't let her see the awful truth. I don't know if she saw me at the restaurant. I just left. I didn't care to find out.

I can relate. There are some people who touch our lives in a very intense way. Then, they go away. In fact, we have been that person, or will be in our lifetime. It can echo in our souls for a long, long time. The worst it ever happened to me involved a guy who just understood more than I did at the time. I talked to him once on the phone later, what he said really helped. "Simone, we're just rookies in this life."

You are not alone! Dealing with the holidays, winter darkness and being outnumbered, (alcoholics are, whenever we are alone with ourselves) are all together a huge pill to swallow. Read page 449. Go to a meeting, as often as you can. Get a new sponsor. Do service work. Be supportive of newcomers.

"This too, shall pass."

I can relate, I've been there. I know that I'm just now really starting to heal after almost 9 months, but I also know that if I would run into my ex and his girl I would be in the same boat you are in right now.

I know that the holidays are bad enough, but I know to run into her the way you did made it worse. It's normal to feel that way, but you have to just try to keep moving forward with your life. This was only a stumbling block, don't allow it to ruin all the progress that you've made. Keep doing what you've been doing as far as charity work, and reading, and going to school. Those are all great things to do for yourself.

As far as craving alcohol, just keep telling yourself that it only serves to mask the pain for a brief amount of time. You don't need it! Work through the pain and you will come out the other side a much stronger person.

I never thought I would ever get over my ex, but I'm doing it now, and believe me as messed up as I was over my breakup, if I can heal ANYBODY can. Just keep hanging in there, it WILL get better, and We're all here to help you with that.

You ever hear the phrase... putting the p*ssy on the pedestal?

Well... you're putting her on the pedestal.

It's been... 2 weeks, almost 3 since my ex and I broke up. Being a college student, there's... really no end to single women, so that's not a big issue. Big issue is, yes... there is NO ONE that's as pretty as her, or as complete or perfect as the ex.

This is due to your emotional attachment. Make a list. It sounds shallow and childish, but at least make a mental list. Think of the good things she used to do, and think of the bad things she used to do. Trust me... there are others out there... that'll weigh out the same or better.

I'm finding it hard to meet anyone that can even be held near the same league as her. It sucks.

Was she really that perfect? Try thinking about some of the things you didn't like about her, stuff she did that irritated you, OR stuff that she wouldn't let you do or didn't like you doing. I remember I thought my ex was perfect after she left me... but looking back now, she was probably the worst mistake I've ever made, and seeing recent photos of the b***h has only proved me right :D
Which brings my next point, So you saw her and she looked 'Radient', That doesn't mean all is well in her life, Could have just been a hairstyle or new makeup . She could be miserable with that guy she's with. How do you know that her life is going well?

I never thought I would get over my ex, I thought she was perfect and that no one would ever compare... lol how wrong I was! Its been a good 5 months now and the only thing I regtret is getting into a relationship with her in the first place, I could have saved myself a lot of time and hurt. The thing is though when your in love with someone you cherish evrything about them... even there faults. Its been awhile since you guys have broken up, you should look back at not only the good things but the bad things about the relationship too, Cus now you've had more time, you'll see things differently.

As for the alcoholic bit, I was drinking nearly a whole bottle of JD's a day after she left me. And boy did that stuff mess me up, I became even more depressed and it hurt even more, to the point where I wanted to message her and message her till I got a response.

And I'm sure her life can't be going perfectly. And after my ex left me and I saw her a few weeks later, she looked good and happy which screwed me up even more. And my ex tried to tell me that she was having the perfect life after she left , BUT it turns out, the guy she left me for threw her out, she had abortion, lost her job and her house and now she's living with a friend in an un-decorated house without a computor :eek: . Then I get a message from a friend of hers telling me that my ex thinks I was the best thing that ever happened to her, which was a HUGE Ego boost :D point is, I spent months wreking myself thinking she was having the perfect life when really... she was being tattered and torn.

It is hard when your alone on holidays but alcohol won't help you, it only makes things worse, and it will eventually ruin all that you have worked hard for. Is this woman really worth all this pain?

Much luck to you dude!

No, she isn't.

Make yourself interesting so someone will appear who will know immediately and forever that you are the best thing that ever happened to her.

Radiance... could also be faked. Did she see you? Women love faking happiness with the new guy just to try to show that they're happy... to see if they can get a reaction out of you. Also, they fake happiness to tell themselves that they made the right choice with the new guy.

Don't sweat it. Just think. You're better off.

Also, don't try to "look" for women to take your mind off her. That can only end badly. Instead, look for other things to get your mind off her. And when you're not looking, that's when that brunette at the local coffee shop wants to talk to you... mainly because women are attracted to single guys who are confident on their own... and are turned off by raggedy guys that look somber that look around to see if anyone'll notice him.

Go join a gym, or get a buddy to join with you. Working out with friends leads to going out with other friends leads to meeting new people. Go for it.

EuRa said it: "You need to block her from your lists. Delete her numbers and emails. Throw away anything that you own that reminds you of her. Get rid of her completely."

Fight your old flame with a new flame. Get into group activities, book clubs, dance lessons, hiking/field trips; develop a social calendar and enhance your coping strategies; one day at a time, and you will become stronger with each day. Read and review the stickies at the beginning of "Relationships". Spend some time writing and commenting on this site about your experiences and those of others. It will help you.

The holiday blues is tough for sure, I'll give that to you. But instead of doing something dumb, you came here and expressed yourself. That in itself, is a very good sign.

Hey

I accept with Eura and George.. Throw away all her memories like pictures,emails etc.. I have a question "Do you still Love her" If Yes is your answer I have a constructive option.let me know your reply.Be happy and have faith and confidence.. :) :)

I know how hard it is to let go =( its tough but doing hobbies like gym and other fun things.. will really take your mind off it =)


do things to better yourself.. Gym will give you a lot of confidence it's the main thing you need after a relationship ends.


in a strang way I like braking up with girls that's when I go to the gym the most hehe

Regards

About 6 months ago I was a regular here. It's been 13 months since I've been in any sort of relationship. I had a very intimate relationship, a great house, a promising career, and great friends. In the span of 2 months I lost it all. As emotionally debilitating as it all was, nothing was as painful as losing the person I felt was "the one". I was a sappy romantic, the kind of guy that wanted a big wedding, and bought flowers every day. It ended tragically, a victim, and circumstance of my demons, which despite my best efforts refused to die. 6 months passed, and I found myself back together again after a whirlpool of self destruction. I started working out again and living healthier, picked up hobbies, yet I had a relapse of what now is diagnosed as a "manic" episode, or demons which I speak of and I fell back into desolation. I've realized these episodes have cost me much in my life, including friends, partly out of shame of some of my actions, and because seemingly I seek out the wrong people. I digress.

I've also realized that these manic episodes tend to coincide with emotional struggles I encounter. My current life seems like a bad dream. Nothing appears real yet everything seems painful. I have no friends, and what family I do have, I find no comfort in. It isn't totally their fault, my parents are nice enough, although they haven't always been. I find myself often dreaming, and thinking of my past life, when it was at its most promising. I think of my ex and I feel torn inside, and life takes the shape of a black hole. Totally devoid of meaning. I am talented, nothing I've come across intellectually, has defeated me. Yet I find myself underachieving because of, what I think, is myself imposed misery filled, mistakes. I hear in my head buck up! Sit down and stop whining. Get off your pity pot! But every time I try and try hard, I find no connections to other people, I'm rejected and generally people find me disagreeable. It isn't for a lack of kindness on my part, but because I am so unhappy, I tend to have a hard time empathizing with others. I should have no reason to complain. This isn't a third world country, and I'm attending a great univ.. Yet I can't seem to pull away from this black hole.

Chemically, I understand, my mind isn't operating in a redeeming fashion. Which brings me to my current situation. My ex sent a "global" email to all her friends and for some reason I received it. It's been 5 months, I think, since we spoke, and the email was not directed towards me. She's on TV now, and I'm on the couch, a metaphoric reality of where we stand. She seems to be doing so much better than me. Has a great love interest, apparently. This has sent me into a tailspin of despair and self destruction yet again. I haven't left my home in 5 days. I spent the 4th of July alone. I've given up my duties at my job, which is illustrious for my age. In addition, I've had my mentor fall ill, my boss at work, which has also left me stunned. I had a close family member end up in jail all in the span of a week. This trend coincides with each time she contacts me. The last email I received from the ex was a boast! She seems to derive pleasure by flaunting to me of all people! Why won't she release me. I have ignored all her latest emails and have spurned her request for friendship. After what she did to me, how could I be friends with her? Even facing the reality of a very lonely existence I'd rather be alone. But I keep getting messages every 2-3 months sending me spiraling. It's as if she won't be satisfied until I'm dead or groveling. I'm not a spiteful person, but much of the reason why I am totally alone is how she left me. She took all the friends, which in reality really weren't friends to me at all. Once the veil is lifted and the nice dream is over reality strikes one with impunity. Am I the only one that feels these things? Can someone relate? To the logical person, they would say, she probably isn't even thinking about you! The truth doesn't escape my consideration, and is ripened through meditation, but that doesn't change how I feel. Even if she emailed me unknowingly, that only makes it worse. Should I send her an email telling her to take me off her "global list" effectively treating her like a telemarketer? My restraint relies on revulsion against satisfying her, 13 month spell, of seeking my envy. I am not envious, but to give her the satisfaction would be so emotionally draining. What can I do to turn this around?

What can I do to turn this around?
To put it simple and blunt Get a life.
I know easier said than done.
I feel a lot like you but I never had anything and I don't have depression.
Even though I don't have a house and much of any material things I feel much like you because I am stuck in the house due to circumstances most of the time.
I get depressed in a sense but it is more my situation and not due to inner chemical imbalance. I know it is hard not letting it get you down but the more you do the more you are giving in to self-defeat.

Find things that interest you and keep your mind occupied even if it is something as simple as looking up things on the internet to enrich your life. Like look up some topics you always wanted to learn more about.
Get out and find hobbies. Think of goals and how to work toward them.

Don't let 'her' get you down. Change your email address and phone # if you have to.
Put her emails in the spam folder. Don't watch her on TV.

Put her email address in spam list, you wouldn't get any otherone after that.

mm... don't be sad, I was the same... you'd be OK.

If you persuade yourself that she was not good enough and that's why you are so sad, you would agree that what has happened is best for you and you will be OK soon. Just don't think of past too much :)

Many people 'persuade' themselves to become a success so the very ones that belittled them end up wanting to grovel at your feet.

Dear enigmagnetic.

I sincerely am so sorry for your loss in more ways than one. You are so intellectual in thought and word that it hurts me to see you being dragged down into your self-made black hole. It makes me wish that I could fly over and pick you up and relocate you to a new university, new city and help you get started in initiating a new view on life. It also makes me feel as if I need to put my arms around you and give you a hug and encouragement. Unfortunately we both know that this is something I cannot do for you, but sincerely hope that you can find a way to lift yourself out of this and start taking steps to redeem your self-respect and lust for life.

What nohelp suggested about changing your email name and spamming her is a good advice. I would also seriously think of checking on the possibility of transferring to another university to continue with your studies. Starting in a new environment and new place to live will also help you not being faced with too many familiar things that remind you of her and your period of that self-destructive whirlpool. Whether this is possible or not, I would also start therapy as soon as possible - you need this for self-preservation and a more positive perspective.

You deserve a second chance and should take advantage at any and all options available to make this possible. Just don't continue to wallow in this destructive self-pity stage for another moment or you might find yourself stuck there forever and I think that would be a great loss.

So, ask around about transfer possibilities, see a therapist, find a self-help group and keep as busy as possible. Just don't stay home alone continuing to sink deeper.

Also stay with us and vent all you need to - sometimes it helps just to let it out and we are here to listen.. but please do take steps to move away from your prison and good luck.

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Also check out the first four stickies in the relationship's section again.. you need to feel you are not alone - and honestly, you are not.

Block her e-mail address, see a therapist and enjoy the fact you wake up every day healthy. You need to live life and not let life live you

Thank you all for replying.

Nohelp4u,

I know, I know I need a life. I'm working on cutting some of my responsibilities out, especially at work, so I can have some free time to pursue some interests I've had that I've ignored in the last few months. I remember one of the reasons I was starting to feel better was because I started new hobbies and I was working out a lot. I barely have time to do those things anymore, and I think it is impacting me by making me feel so redundant and empty consequently, I don't feel myself growing. I do, in fact, delete her emails, but the TV thing was purely coincidental.

Kitty, I'm beyond trying to convince myself that I'm better off, until I see things change, and/or I find someone else, I can't help but feel emotionally nostalgic.

Chery,

Thanks for the words of encouragement, they provided comfort and I agree. This is no longer my city. Other than my Univ. I have no reason to stay here. I have no attachments here, and I'm not fond of the environment here. I've been telling myself that this city, this journey is like my version of Homer's "The Oddyssey". I see it as the jungle where I must fend for myself and prove my survivability. My freedom will be gained when I escape this jungle, to where I really belong. I'm out of the house, and I went back to work today. After a week hiatus I'm a bit more relaxed and not as anxious. Here we go again.

Romefalls, too right you are! It's excruciating to know that I am so able, yet my drive is so weakened. It is actually infuriating to be less active simply because I'm down trodden. Like I said, I know I shouldn't complain, and optimism is the road to redemption, but it's a rollercoaster.

I know how you feel. I too had anxiety attacks where I did not leave the house for weeks on end, and when I did, it was Stressville until I finally went back in and felt safe.

Unfortunately, my physical illnesses prevent me from relocating, so I envy you there... I feel that I am in a prison with no means of escape. That's why I'm grateful for the 'family' I have on this site.

It does sound as if you are doing a little better.

Remember, if ever you need to vent or a hand in climbing back out, we are just an internet address away which is open 24/7 and located all over the globe.

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Should I send her an email telling her to take me off her "global list" effectively treating her like a telemarketer?
Send her to spam as others have said, that's where she belongs, and reread some of the great advice you have given others... and follow it!

You can do this.