downdowndown
Sep 23, 2007, 02:49 AM
Hey people,
I think I really need help. I have never been a confident person, but I have generally always been a happy person, until I was about 17 I'm now just 19. At 17 I met a lad and fell madly in love but he was an absolute idiot and knew I could never be with him. We text for well over a year, but nothing ever happened, we never even kissed. He started getting bored... fair enough and got himself a girlfriend, which broke my heart, but nothing could happen between us so I had to accept it. I got over it and picked my life up again, but deep down I had never been happy as I liked this guy, but knew for many reasons we could go out. Then a new guy started work this was only a couple of weeks ago and he was PERFECT, we started dating, and I discovered it wasn't perfect, we were the complete opposite, I've never been in a relationship, he has and he wanted me for sex and sex only. So I put him straight from the start which was hard because I liked him,
My problem is I become so emotionally attached to any guy that shows interest because I don't usually have guys. This second guy is a model, everybody in works wants him but he chose me and I threw it away which I regret now, because after I told him it wouldn't work but wanted to stay friends, he started sending me abusive messages saying he hated me, and telling me to F**k off and saying he never wanted to speak to me again. He has been telling people in work about me, and now I have people in work approaching me saying I'm out or order, when I have actually done nothing wrong.
Since this second issue, I have never been the same, he has broken my heart and ripped my life apart. I won't leave the house, I sit in my house shaking and crying, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't know how I could ever trust anyone again. And while I'm sat here receiving abuse from him I keep getting disturbing thoughts like my brain and heart is wondering what it would be like to be dead, and I tell myself its got to be better than what I'm going through now, and I want to hurt myself all the time because I hate myself so much because I've obviously hurt these guys and everyone hates me for that, so I hate myself and the only revenge I can think is putting myself through pain to make up for what I've put the lads through.
I'm also having a really tough time with my friends all moving away to uni, and my best mate has befriend another mate of mine and rarely speaks to me anymore, because she says I'm being antisocial. People tell me to just forget the lads, but I can't they have cracked me up so much that I can't cope and no one understands what I'm going through, I lock myself away and eat, and I'm noticeably putting weight on in a week and I need to stop eating chocolate and crisps but I find it comforting.
My mum has been kind to me through all this, but there's only so much I can tell her, she is already disraught about the lad situation and I have caught her crying so many times, I don't dare tell her how I really feel and how depressed I actually am because I hate seeing her upset because of me!
Does anyone have an advice?
Please I just need someone to talk to!
I think I really need help. I have never been a confident person, but I have generally always been a happy person, until I was about 17 I'm now just 19. At 17 I met a lad and fell madly in love but he was an absolute idiot and knew I could never be with him. We text for well over a year, but nothing ever happened, we never even kissed. He started getting bored... fair enough and got himself a girlfriend, which broke my heart, but nothing could happen between us so I had to accept it. I got over it and picked my life up again, but deep down I had never been happy as I liked this guy, but knew for many reasons we could go out. Then a new guy started work this was only a couple of weeks ago and he was PERFECT, we started dating, and I discovered it wasn't perfect, we were the complete opposite, I've never been in a relationship, he has and he wanted me for sex and sex only. So I put him straight from the start which was hard because I liked him,
My problem is I become so emotionally attached to any guy that shows interest because I don't usually have guys. This second guy is a model, everybody in works wants him but he chose me and I threw it away which I regret now, because after I told him it wouldn't work but wanted to stay friends, he started sending me abusive messages saying he hated me, and telling me to F**k off and saying he never wanted to speak to me again. He has been telling people in work about me, and now I have people in work approaching me saying I'm out or order, when I have actually done nothing wrong.
Since this second issue, I have never been the same, he has broken my heart and ripped my life apart. I won't leave the house, I sit in my house shaking and crying, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't know how I could ever trust anyone again. And while I'm sat here receiving abuse from him I keep getting disturbing thoughts like my brain and heart is wondering what it would be like to be dead, and I tell myself its got to be better than what I'm going through now, and I want to hurt myself all the time because I hate myself so much because I've obviously hurt these guys and everyone hates me for that, so I hate myself and the only revenge I can think is putting myself through pain to make up for what I've put the lads through.
I'm also having a really tough time with my friends all moving away to uni, and my best mate has befriend another mate of mine and rarely speaks to me anymore, because she says I'm being antisocial. People tell me to just forget the lads, but I can't they have cracked me up so much that I can't cope and no one understands what I'm going through, I lock myself away and eat, and I'm noticeably putting weight on in a week and I need to stop eating chocolate and crisps but I find it comforting.
My mum has been kind to me through all this, but there's only so much I can tell her, she is already disraught about the lad situation and I have caught her crying so many times, I don't dare tell her how I really feel and how depressed I actually am because I hate seeing her upset because of me!
Does anyone have an advice?
Please I just need someone to talk to!