Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that I was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on Facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a Facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.

(CONTINUED)



How do I follow this program effectively? I've listed all of my questions and concerns, now the problem is effective implementation. Remember, this is a UNIQUE case, she has pride, I don't want to push her away!

Also, her pride and communication issues seem like a nasty combo. She always expects me to speak and fix things. How do I avoid this and get it out of her?

Do I just stop cold turkey responding to her? I don't want her to think I'm avoiding her, that is childish. I also don't want to play the whole, "oh i have a hot date" game. NO we had a close, loyal, loving relationship.

What if she asks, do you miss me? What do I say?

Is the program ABSOLUTELY no contact for 21 days? 30 days? Once again, I'm not trying to push her away or SCREW this up.

What if by day 10 she is crying for me? What about even earlier-- Day 5? Is this risky to try and work things out this soon? Should I make her sweat? I don't want her to want to get back and then change her mind!


If she wants to make things right, how do I go about facilitating the process? I don't want to look desperate.

Finally, she first stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago. Then she did that whole Facebook bull on Friday, and we spoke. She said on Friday (when she seemed indifferent) that "I thought it was clear we were done." Does that count as two weeks or does the PROGRAM START NOW?

Finally, by getting a job in this corporation, will that improve her view/appeal of me/increase my chances of winning her back? Her company is actually only 10 minutes from where my "potential company is." BTW I made sure I did well on the interview.

I want to change and show her I will never be jealous, possessive, unsupportive ever again! However, she told me on Sunday (last time we spoke live over phone), that, "I just think too much damage has been done"

The final big question--Have I lost her for good? Is there a chance to get her back? I love her so much and want her to feel like she used to feel for me but I'm scared she will never want that again. She's hard headed and may just be like, "NO I don't want to be in that situation again--I'm not risking it"

So, about her text what do I do. Please provide me with a DETAILED response to all my questions and feelings. I need confidence, support, and most importantly ANSWERS! PLEASE HELP A HEARTBROKEN GUY!

Finally, please guys let me know if you all think I have a chance. She's not the type to go clubbing or to bars, but her 2 close friends might take her out (to dinner, maybe to bar) to force her out and get mind off things. During the week she works, so she keeps herself busy. On the weekends though, in the day, she will probably be alone, thinking of me. But then again, she has pride, she has said, "we need to move on" and that "too much damage has been done." Is she sincere? Or is it in her heart to change?

2 years, 2 months, a great girl, I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm 21, almost 22 and really care for her. We really were happy at one point in our relationship. Please help and give me the perfect strategy. I already messed up by calling her on Sunday. She was kind of thinking about it (still saying no though) on Saturday, so I should have just left it at that. Instead, I went begging, saying I would change. So how do I remedy this? I'm not into playing games, but I'm desperate here, I will do whatever it takes to reconvince her and let her understand that she is confused and making a big mistake. I am not conceited, but I am a very nice guy and there will probably not be anyone out there that will treat her like I did. So please--help. Thank you all.

You got her back yet

nah man.. we haven't spoken since I wimped out and called her on Sunday.. the next day (monday), I prepared for my interview on Tuesday.. she e-mailed me that night (monday) with two Microsoft word documents about interview tips.. she told me "you are very smart and you will do great!" the next day (my interview=tuesday), she texted me at 10:30, a half hour before my interview, saying "good luck!".. I responded back 4 hours later (2:30) with a simple, "Thank you."

I really cannot imagine that that will be the last time I am EVER in contact with her.. like her texting me will be the last time I ever spoke to her.. but I don't know I'm second guessing myself a lot because I'm so scared and alone right now.. maybe she is just really ready to forget about me.. I mean she was quoted saying, "i need to be alone now," and "we both need to stop talking so we could move on" and "you are not understanding, you are saying one thing and im saying another..we are broken up right now..i dont want to be a so please stop..i dont know if we will get back together or not..im not saying yes but im not saying no..just dont wait for me"

at the same time though, she called me crying on Saturday.. she said, "im so sorry..please dont hate me..i dont want you to hate me..just please promise me youll learn from this" so I'm like I'm so alone/scared.. idk some adivce? It's been 5 days since this has been official.. I act like I'm getting better but I am always thinking of her.. do you think she is starting to forget about me? I haven't talked to her since Sunday.. I sent a text Monday but no direct conversation...

You seriously need to implement no contact immediately. Start with 30 days and see where you are. You both need to move on. She told you she doesn't love you and you even admitted that when she said I love you that it did not mean in love with you. You need to let her go and move on. She wants you to grow as a person and move forward from this relationship. She is giving you every sign that says "MOVE ON!" and you are ignoring her because you are so set in getting back together.

Another thing--we left on pretty good terms.. I mean she is wishing me luck and stuff.. idk is this where all the confusion starts?

Finally, another BIG question.. what if she calls me? What do I do? Pick up or no? What if its at night.. like 11:30 or 2:00 in the morning.. do I pretend I was sleeping and not pick up? Do I pick up and sound tired? If she says, "ohh ur sleeping im sorry forget it" what do I do? Do I say,"nono whats up?" OR do I say, "hey call me tomorrow, we can talk better"

One more little thing--what if the conversation is leading to her crying like, "ohh i miss you" (not NECESSARILY I want you back--do I say hey lets meet up for lunch? Or do I say "aww its okay youll be fine?" I Don't want to push her away.. I want to make sure I get her when she's vulnerable (or is this the WRONG move?? ).. if I do say, "let's meet up" do I say, "ohh how bout tomorrow?" or do I try to do it asap?

Please guys help me.. I am so alone...

NO CONTACT MEAN NO CONTACT. No matter how many times she calls, what she says or whatever you leave it alone. You don't pick up so that you avoid getting back involved with her emotionally What will happen is that she will lean on your emotionally and keep you tethered to her while she goes on with her life and dates other guys.

MOVE ON. She has told you she does not love you what do you think is going to happen here? Not for nothing but you sound crazy.

Hey man, no offense, but I'm not crazy.. this is someone I envisioned spending the rest of my life with and she hit me with this.. I mean you should see all the stuff she wrote to me.. and all the stuff she told me.. over two years is a long time too my friend..

I don't know what the hell is running through her head.. she told me, "i dont think im in love with you" but guess what.. she always second guessing everything.. she may be confused and second guessing herself now!

I'm just saying-- NC means NC? Even when she calls? I mean that just looks like avoidance doesn't it? I'm trying to win her back I just need to know the BEST way to do so.. I don't want to blow it

No contact is about you not the other person. Its about YOU getting over this person and getting healthy.

Its not your problem if she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. It doesn't matter what she said for 2 years what matters is what she is telling you NOW. Right now she told you she doesn't love and doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. With this new info you need to move on and heal from this relationship.

This is what happens in life. Sometimes you get hit with a curveball that you cannot believe. Its what you do when that gets thrown out is what counts.

You cannot do anything to win her back. She has to make that decision on her own. If she wants to come back she will if she doesn't she won't. That's it. Already you are telling her "keep using me emotionally I'll be your crutch as long as you want I will not move on with my life until you are back in my arms". (this is what is going on don't fool yourself otherwise).

What if she calls to be like, "i made a mistake.." if I don't pick up I might let an opportunity slip away.. I know where your coming from bro.. but it's just very hard.. you have to understand

She won't.

(sigh)

Diesel. This is how it is and the poster who just posted is correct. Ive been through what you are going through I've heard exactly the same crap as she is telling you. Amazingly the night before my girlfriend broke up with me well saud she needed a break she wrote me a message saying I wish I was in your arms tonight then the next night bREAk!!

3 1/2 years we were together and out of no where she says I need a break. Ive been thinking about it for ages she said. Its something I need to do for myself. I kept talking to her she kept crying she would say I love you but don't know if its enough forever. She would say to me just live your life I don't wannt to give you false hopwe and I promise I won't string you along I just need time to wortk on myself.

What a load of crap they just drag you along untoil they are well enough to date others and then they say I'm sorry but I just don't feel the same. You can believe what you want and say what you like and by the way you can say to yourself I don't want to opush her away I don't want her to think I don't care I don't want her to just get over me. Well she will get over you eaay if you stay in contact... She has told you how she feels and these feelings will NOT change while you are around, if she missies you she will let you no.

Let me saay this will not be the last time you hear friom her, prepare yourself when you start no contact she will contact you in a week or so it may be a late nioght drunk call , she may be crying on the phone, she may text you she may email you. Don't reply you will noot lose her by not replying if she wants you and you don't reply she won't go off you, but if the feelings are coming back and you rreply they will then die off again , you must build the tension back up let her regain those feelings and the only possible way for that to happen is for her to feel a void in her life and want you to fill that void. Problem is when she contacts you and you ansewer she ios only looking for a quick fix. Like a junkie on heroin she just wants a quick jab just to hear your voice will let her no your there and she will feel better and her moving onn process made easier. WELL it starts here for you your moving on!! That's the first stepo even if you don't want to its what has to be done in order to win her back. Your not listening to what she is saying she is saying I don't love you and don't want youat the moment so let it be.

Give her exactly what she wants NONE of you. Wait it out she will be back when you are not in the oicture and she feels the void, if you lay low this will happen.

I'm sorry to be harsh but when you have your heart broken you almost get to the point of wanting to do anything to have this person back. But what you have to realize is if this person has it in them to toss you out and say they don't love you and don't want you why would you want to be with them?

You need to go no contact. You can even tell her you are going no contact. I did that with my ex-boyfriend. I tried to be friends with him and then I realized I was doing so to my own detriment. I wasn't moving on and was getting MORE attached to him. Finally I told him look you know I care about you and value the friendship that we have but right now I can't have you in my life I need to get over you before we can be friends again. He was disappointed but he understood. After about 90 days I was over him completely and we were able to have a friendship. But I had to heal and move on before we could have a healthy friendship. I was holding out hope for over 3 months that he would realize he made a mistake and want me back and you know what he didn't. All he did was go out and find a new girlfriend - that was actually when I knew I had to stop talking to him. He was moving forward and I was stuck. I was mad at myself because if I had done no contact starting at break up I would've been over him way sooner and on with my life much more quick.

There is nothing healthy about chasing after someone who is done with you. You need to do what's best for you not her. You are what matters. Your responsibility is to yourself and to make sure that you feel healthy emotionally and mentally.

Don't start that crap about what if she calls to say I want you back and I don't answer!! Ahahahahahahahahahah

If she wants you back she will call again...

What do you think she calls once you don't answer she moves on.. If that was how it works then you would be moving on now. When someone wants you they don't give up after 1 call they become more desperate like you are becoming

Also remember they either get all of you or none of you.

That's it. Nothing else. Not until YOU are ready

Okay, I will try the nc thing.. thing is, we've always been very honest with each other and never played games.. I met her and we were dating immedietely.. always very honest/loyal girl.. I just don't know I'm being a WUSS I know.. but I'm sure lots have felt like this.. ok NC it is..

Its not playing games its doing something that is GOOD FOR YOU. It sucks for her but she is not your concern YOU are your concern.

Like I said tell her I can't talk to you right now. We can't be friends again until I'm over you. I will call you when I'm ready.

I thought you said NC... see I'm confused I just want the best approach

I did say no contact. But you are complaining that it seems like a game so I'm saying so that she doesn't think you hate her or some other drama tell her you can't be her friend right now and you will contact her when you can. Send it in an email I have a feeling a phone call would be too hard for you. Then after that's done then she knows the situation and that's the end of it. You don't have to answer calls, IM's, emails, texts, etc because she knows the situation is you will contact her when you are ready.

Hahaha BUT IM READY NOW!! IF WE ARE ON FRIEND STATUS, I Won't BE FINE WITH THAT AT ALL!

Dude you are in friend status right now. What do you think this is?

Yeah but when you say "when im ready".. like dude I Won't be ready unless she is mine.. like I want her to initiate the remedy process..

Are you saying that by giving her that contact might make her miss me more/rethink things?

Also realize that you have some pretty serious relationship "deal breakers" going on. You are jealous and co-dependent. Those are the worse characteristics for a boyfriend or girlfriend to have. You need to learn how to feel happy in your own life and rely on yourself for your happiness and life not your partner. You need to fill secure with yourself and feel good about yourself before you will feel that you can trust your partner.

Working through those two things will take time. Start your no contact and work on fixing these issues. It will make you a much better boyfriend in the next relationship

yeh but when you say "when im ready"..like dude i WONT be ready unless she is mine..like i want her to initiate the remedy process..

are you saying that by giving her that contact might make her miss me more/rethink things?


No I'm saying that at the end of 90 days of no contact you will significantly different.

Right now you have ZERO perspective. You are too thick in the forest to see the trail my friend. After 30 days its slightly better, at 60 days the fog is lifting and light is shining in at 90 days you are out of the forest and don't even remember why the hell you were to begin with.

I hate this... =(

It sucks. This is also your first real relationship and your first love. Its going to be the suckiest break up you will ever deal with.

But you need to focus on doing right for yourself right now. You have to do what's best for you. Going no contact is best for you. Spending time getting to know yourself again is best for you. Spending time working on your co-dependency and jealousy is best for you.

You're right man.. thanks.. I promise ill do my best and stay strong.. I appreciate the advice.. ive been researching this topic for the past few days and saw a lot of the mistakes other guys have made.. my mom actually said the same thing as you.. my girlfriend is like heroin.. just hearing her will only get my FALSE hopes up.. I don't want that crap..

I want to stop the optimism, but one last thing.. how will I know if she wants back with me?

Also its going to be hard but believe me by the middle of November you will feel so much better.

Read some of these threads. I think they will help you feel less alone:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html?highlight=Ash123

How old are you and how long was your longest relationship..

NONONO November will be a.. both of our birthdays are then.. hers first.. I know ill give in and say happy b-day.. is that bad?

i want to stop the optimism, but one last thing..how will i know if she wants back with me?

Chances are so won't. Regardless it will not matter you are getting on with your life.

She told you she doesn't love you and is causing you the greatest hurt of your life. Do you want to go through this all over again?

If you have never seen it I highly recommend renting "Swingers" it came out in the early 90's and it has a really young Vince Vaughn in it and its all about a guy trying to move n after his girlfriend dumps him. Its an awesome movie. You will identify with it a lot and I think it will give you some hope.

how old are you and how long was your longest relationship..

NONONO november will be a ..both of our birthdays are then..hers first..i kno ill give in and say happy b-day..is that bad?

I'm 28. My longest relationship was a little over a year.

I wouldn't text her happy birthday or anything like that unless you will feel ready for her to come back in your life all together.

What part of I don't love you, don't call me, move on don't you understand? Respect the girl's wishes and leave her alone. That means don't call don't e-mail, don't text. Leave her alone.

Wow man I really liked the second link you posted.. this website, all the info I've been reading, and you have put a new spin on how I feel.. im sure I will always feel hope, but I need to do this right, for her, but more importantly, FOR ME.. not to get her back.. FOR MY HEALING.. im sure ill feel like crap from time to time, but ill survive.. im not going to give up.. im a fighter..

Ill be on here discussing my feelings.. ill also be in contact if she calls or whatever.. I know I will initially feel hopeful wondering is going on, but I'm starting to catch the sense that it is just for HER benefit.. NO PHUCK that.. after she did this to me? NO WAY.. it will not be a matter of pride, but she needs to do her share of realizing how badly I've been hurting these past few months and how selfish she's been...

What part of I don't love you, don't call me, move on don't you understand? Respect the girl's wishes and leave her alone. That means don't call don't e-mail, don't text. Leave her alone.

I understand, but SHE CALLED ME CRYING saying, "oh i dont know what i did" next thing she's saying, you said you wanted to see me one lase time, do you want to see me?" this meant, I want to see you but won't admit it.. she told me she still has the first pic of us still up in her room.. then she emails me and texts me good luck..

So come the phuck on people.. it was 2 yrs naturally my heart is busted and I feel hopeful.. dammit please sympathize a bit with me...

wow man i really liked the second link you posted..this website, all the info ive been reading, and you have put a new spin on how i feel..im sure i will always feel hope, but i need to do this right, for her, but more importantly, FOR ME..not to get her back..FOR MY HEALING..im sure ill feel like crap from time to time, but ill survive..im not going to give up..im a fighter..

ill be on here discussing my feelings..ill also be in contact if she calls or whatever..i kno i will initially feel hopeful wondering is going on, but im starting to catch the sense that it is just for HER benefit..NO PHUCK that..after she did this to me? NO WAY..it will not be a matter of pride, but she needs to do her share of realizing how badly ive been hurting these past few months and how selfish shes been....

I'm glad to hear that.

And think you've only really heard from me, Mackenzie and Homegirl. There are so many smart, rational people on this site who are awesome at providing some really great insight.

As long as you remember to put yourself and your feelings first in this situation you will be okay.

OK I sympathize, but you need to realize that she is probably gone for good and your bugging her or trying to think of ways to get her back will only make it worse. Learn from this experience and move on. You know what mistakes not to make in your next relationship, and there will be another one. This will pass.

I'm glad to hear that.

And think you've only really heard from me, Mackenzie and Homegirl. there are so many smart, rational people on this site who are awesome at providing some really great insight.

As long as you remember to put yourself and your feelings first in this situation you will be okay.

LOL I know I was sounding real dumb and NOT LISTENING at first, but I see that you only have GOOD intentions.. about bettering/healing me.. haha thanks! I really don't want to fall into the trap of calling/begging/sending gifts.. I only called her once.. that was it! I feel good about that..

Now the hard part.. how do I stop checking her away message/myspace? Its hard!

If necessary delete her. You can always re-add her later. Whatever will help you from doing anything that feels obsessive.

One thing that helped during my last bad break up was that my friend was going through the same thing and we developed what we called "An Escape Clause". Anytime one of us was feeling too down or getting too crazy about our ex we would call each other and no matter what the other was doing we would go get the other one and do something fun. It really helped speed up the process of getting over our exes.

Its just hard.. I have no friends at home.. I dropped them shortly after I met my girlfriend.. not because I was desperate NO.. it was because they were always smoking pot and I was tired of it.. I tried to hang with them and stay sober, but they looked at me funny and started to get shady.. so I said fine.. well I went back to school and saw college friends.. who I all love!. its hard to stay in touch with them though they all live at least an hour away.. I don't want to talk about it either because I never really talked about my girlfriend with them because I was private about that stuff I don't know why.. well I told one of my old college buddies yesterday and he sympathized with me and told me the same stuff happened to him recently.. he told me he would still take her back (10 months later! ) DAMN that's scary.. he told me though, ill be fine.. well he still wants her so he's not 100% is he? And he is a good looking dude! I don't know girls can really screw your mind I tell you.. I need to get out more wit him I think hahaha well there is him and another college buddy who lives like 25-35 minutes away.. we actually were supposed to go out last weekend (the night she ended it).. I didn't tell him though.. I don't think I will.. he is good looking too but never had a serious girl.. he is weaker than I am.. I don't need advice from someone who has little experience.. instead, I just need people to just keep my mind off this

Now is the perfect time to get out there and meet new people and make new friends.

Join some clubs or local groups or people who share your same interests. I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing out of college since you say "old college buddies". But pick some stuff you are into and look around on sites like craigslist or meetup and see what's going on around you. If nothing else its some new people to hang out with and get your mind off your ex. I went to so many meetup events after my last break up. I was doing so much stuff every weekend I barely had time to think about my ex.

Granted the friends you dropped sound pretty sketchy so it was probably for the best but in the future keep your good friends. Your girlfriend can't be your world. You got to bring something to the table and its more attractive to have a full life then to be looking for someone to give you a full life.

All three have given you excellent advice. Now only you can decide what to do with it.

People may think they can make someone fall in love with them or "come to their senses" and come back and all will be the same again. In my experience this rarely occurs and if it does it's really not the same.

Relationships should be give and take on a fair and equal basis, but in most instances one person for whatever reason takes control (stronger personality,a necessity for some reason, etc). She has done this for her own reasons, she made the decision-only she can change her mind. I believe that she will now decide; and try as you may to "change her mind for her"-it still comes down to the underlying reason she made the decision. (And she may not even really understand her feelings.) She knows you from your relationship already, the "dye is cast" and I think based on this the decision will be made. Even if you were able to "win" her back if she comes for any reason other than the fact that SHE chose to do so, I think it would be shaky. If you were able to "convince" her to give it another try and in the process lost who you were before--it will haunt you--I can promise you.

I believe that being in love is a very personal matter, I'm talking about love not infatuation or something close to love. It's like being happy, no one is responsible for your happiness, you are either happy or you are not. Loved ones, friends and family can make you happier but only you are responsible for your own basic happiness. Don't confuse happiness or love with a "feel good" emotion, this is only a symptom of love or happiness.

Good luck,

Stringer

Makes sense stringer.. its just that, I always thought I made her happy.. I could ALWAYS make her laugh, even when she was mad.. maybe my jealousy was too much for her though.. she always seemed like she just wanted me and her, and honestly I was fine with that.. we had a lot of really fun times.. so many memorable moments.. but when I got home from school (finally graduating and being back with her).. things were weird.. it was like she wasn't happy with me being home.. at least not like she used to be.. it just hurts so damn bad.. before we broke up, I asked if she ever was really in love with me.. she said yes at a time I think I was.. she also told me that her 2 good friends were not badmouthing me during the breakup, they were saying that I was a good boyfriend.. im kind of confused with the breakup, but I should have seen it coming.. there were good days in the past months, but there was always something missing on her part.. now she hits me with, "i dont know if youre the one for me" ugh that line sucks! It makes you feel worthless as a boyfriend and a man.. part of me thinks she's confused but the other part just says no she's made up her mind.. I want her back my heart is screaming for her, but I'm not sure if I want to risk getting hurt again.. she would really have to do some convincing.. plus how do I know that she won't relapse into the same feelings as before?

Exactly.

Now what is your mind telling and your common sense?

Stringer

I mean I feel that she fell in love with me because I was real.. I was caring, nice, funny, and made her smile.. then I think I got too comfortable and tried to be controlling.. im using this time now to really remedy my flaws.. if this girl couldn't take it, no decent girl ever would.. I feel that I messed up in that department and I was too needy of her.. at the same time though, she always wanted to hang with me, so I'm like...

Then with her it was communication.. I felt like a dentist pulling teeth sometimes.. she just couldn't spit it out.. I honestly wanted to help her with this.. I would ask questions and reassure her that its okay to speak her mind.. still though it was hard to communicate..

There would be a lot of times when we fought that we would ask each other why we loved each other.. I asked her once and she said that it was because I made her feel comfortable.. like herself.. ahh I know I'm living in the past, but just the memories make me smile so much.. I really miss her so much

You know another thing--she would always pull the whole 6th grade silent treatment on me over the phone.. thats such BS in my opinion.. I would try so hard to talk and the second she heard something she didn't like, she went silent.. YEHHH okay see if someone else will put up with that.. looking back on it, I would be the one fixing the problems most of the time.. she would call me crying and say "please fix this".. dammit I get so angry.. and so sad because I miss making up.. I miss holding her.. I miss her face.. I miss her voice..

A relationship cannot survive if one person is doing all the heavy lifting. A relationship is like a rowboat if only one person paddles the boat spins in circles and you get nowhere. When both people row its easy and smooth sailing.

It seems to me that neither of you really know how to act in a healthy, adult relationship. You are both adults and both of you acted really immature in this relationship. I do not think it is healthy for either of you to try to get back into this relationship. It would be to your detriment to do so.

You may not believe it but there will be lots of girls in your life who you will love. You will break some of their hearts and they will break yours. You will feel as if you cannot leave without someone in your life many times. Someone will feel that way about you. This is how relationships work. This is how our life goes. We never set out to hurt we set out to love and build and grow in a relationship. Sometimes its just not right. This is your first love and first "real" relationship. This is going to hurt like hell. That's the way it works. Everyone thinks they are going to spend the rest of their life with the first person they love it hardly every works that way.

You are still a young guy. The amount you will change throughout your 20's will astound you. In a years time I can guarantee to you that you will not be able to fathom what you even found so appealing about this girl to begin with. She will seem so wrong for who you will be at that point. Honestly you will probably see that within a few months if you keep NC and move on.

What it amounts to is this. If this was meant to be the girl you were going to marry you would have already been engaged and moving in that direction. If this meant to be it would not be over. If it was meant to be she would not tell you to move on and that she does not love you.

You need to get this all straight in your head. Your heart will lie to you. Listen to your gut and your head.

It wasn't like a rowboat though.. we both did good things for each other.. she was so generous and always offered me advice for work and ALWAYS listened when I felt like crap.. the same went for her too.. we really were there for each other.. I really do think she was good for me.. she kept me focused.. I was always very driven and competitive, but she turned it up a notch.. brought out more in me.. im starting to think that my ways pushed her away.. she ignored them and looked past them as much as possible but too much is too much for anyone.. even though she felt bad breaking up with me, she was right.. it wasn't fair to her to be in that situation

But you know what none of that matters right now because she was not happy in the relationship. You cannot keep something together when one person is miserable. Sometimes its nothing that the other party can control or help. You can be the best boyfriend or girlfriend on the planet it doesn't guarantee that the other person will never be unhappy or miserable. Clearly something wasn't working for her and that's all you need to know. You will drive yourself crazy reliving every aspect of your relationship.

I agree with her. Learn from this. She has made you more focused and more ambitious and that's great. Keep that going for yourself. Those are great traits. You know you need to work on your co-dependency and jealousy because only a girl with low self esteem and self worth will tolerate those kinds of behaviors.

Diesel this is a process. Trust me. It will take time. Beating yourself up is not allowed during this time. What I found to help during my last breakup was I placed all the blame on him until I felt better. Now I can say yup we both did things wrong that caused our relationship to end but at the time it made me feel really good to put it on him. It just takes time to gain perspective.

"i asked her once and she said that it was because i made her feel comfortable.."

I somewhat understand "comfortable" in a relationship but this has so many variables; warm and fuzzy, complacent, no extra work, no challenges, NO HAVING TO WORK ON IT, OR; safe, protected, etc.

Based upon your posts my guess is the first group above. I am sorry that you have to go through this Diesel69 really I am, I understand how you feel. And you are right it is torture. But... what are the odds man? Again... stand back emotionally and take an observers point of view... what is best for you at this time?

As a guy you know what common sense is telling you; it is time to start to "suck it up." You can torture yourself for as long as you choose to, but that "time" is probably here now, need to do a gut check. Remember; only you are responsible for you and how you feel AND how you act. I think inside you know this is true.

Bottom line; stay away totally, collect yourself, don't even text or phone call. Time is the "pill" but during this time do something for yourself. Yes, learn from the experience, but start to also feel better about yourself. You sound like a good guy (you know where this is going.. ) don't be a fool and jump into the rebound thing... but she will show up a that moment you least expect. "She" isn't her... that didn't work.

Again, good luck,
Stringer

Stringer,

"but she will show up a that moment you least expect. "She" isn't her.......that didn't work."

What exactly do you mean by these statements?

Diesel watch the movie Swingers.

Not to speak for you Stringer but I think what he was trying to say is that she will show up as soon as you are over her. But you have to remember that your ex is not "her"/"the one"

One other thing--

A good step on my part-- I want to go out this weekend with friends.. I don't want to put it in her face that I'm going out (via away message) because that will seem too fake.. I also don't want to let her know I'm in pain.. would you guys say NOT to put anything in the away message/just not be online?

Also, I'm thinking ONE night this weekend will be good.. is that a good start or should I go out both nights? I'm still hurting I don't want to force anything but I don't want to be alone either..

Do whatever feels right. If you have a good time when you go out then go out again. But don't let partying be your crutch to get through this.

I agree to not put on your away message something jerky like "out having a blast picking up the ladies" I think a simple "I'm away from my computer right now" is totally fine. Or hell just sign off all together.

SWINGERS TONIGHT HAHAHA is this movie depressing I don't need that.. I just watched lost in temptation and that sucked

No Swingers is my one of my top three favorite movies of all time.

Swingers (1996) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117802/)

Its funny and just a good movie. Its all about a guy going through this awful break up and how his friends try to lift him up and make him feel good and how he just keeps focusing on the ex. It's a great movie and its from a guys perspective so its not like a chick movie where everyone ends up crying.

THESE ARE NOT THE ANSWERS I WANT TO HEAR! DAMN YOU I AM SO SAD I Don't NEED TO HEAR THIS... I WANT YOU TO TELL ME SHE WILL BE BACK.. I WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN GET HER BACK! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS IS HURTING ME... I AM SO PISSED OFF AT ALL OF YOU TELLING ME TO CHANGE!

... and at the same time, I want to thank you and say God bless you all.. im truly realizing a lot.. and it hurts, and I know I will have ups and downs, but I really am coming to an understanding.. it will be hard not seeing or hearing her.. it will be so hard.. but I'm sure with time I will heal.. thanks so much for being there for me.. even though it's not the news anyone wants to hear, well, it's the right news.. the right way.. time to keep my chin up.. my favorite movie is actually rocky.. ive always paralleled that movie to my life.. looks like this is just another chapter.. where I fail.. and just have to get up again.. I know I will fail again, and again.. so will everyone.. but I need to just prove that I will never stop.. thanks again everyone, I'm feeling better (... a little LOL! =P)

Again its totally natural to feel this way. Its not what you want to hear but it's the truth. No one is going to lie and say that this isn't going to suck. It is. Strap in because you are looking at some rough days. Some days will be better then others, you will backslide. But you will come out the other end better for the experience.

one other thing--

a good step on my part-- i want to go out this weekend with friends..i dont want to put it in her face that im going out (via away message) bc that will seem too fake..i also dont want to let her kno im in pain..would you guys say NOT to put anything in the away message/just not be online?

also, im thinking ONE night this weekend will be good..is that a good start or should i go out both nights? im still hurting i dont want to force anything but i dont want to be alone either..

Please read my response to Glinda; yes go out but be a little cool to, don't jump at the first female you see. Have a nice conversation with everyone who will talk with you. Get some new people in your life. Smile a lot!

AND.. sorry but you are not listening closely, please hear what we are trying to say; No CONTACT. You will probably do as you will but we are just trying to save you some on-going pain.

Get angry with your situation--as I mentioned in another post today; proper anger (not maniac anger) is the first stage in the healing process. Say to yourself that you are not going to take this anymore-you won't allow yourself to continue to feel this.

Stringer

I have to spread some rep Stringer but I totally agree with you.

Constructive anger channeled in a healthy way is good right now. After my break up I would go for these insane runs that would last forever until I felt like I could act like a normal human being again. I would just run and work everything out in my head and would feel so much better once it was done.

Like Stringer said you are going through basically stages of grief and here you are at anger.

Damn... can my life get any worse? I just found out today that I did not get the job I interviewed for.. and I felt as though I did well on the interview... wow.. what else can go wrong.. this is one of the worst periods of my life.. just when I think I can maybe get over her by getting a job... BAM I get cut back down to reality.. it's as if I am being forced to think about her.. about how crappy this, and my whole life is.. I am just so drained.. so tired.. so tired.. I feel like a failure.. I ruined the best thing I had.. it was supposed to last.. damn damn damn..

Read this again:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

Diesel you are not screwing up your life. Is this a tough patch yeah it is. Could it be worse it most certainly could. What you are experiencing is insignificant in the vein of troubles to be having. No you do not lose the love of your life. If she really was it would not be over. I want to shake you and scream that in your face until you get it! SHE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.

As for the job. That's nothing. There is a million different reasons you don't get an offer. I work in HR and I can tell you sometimes you have a bunch of candidates who are great and who you decide upon is usually on something small or better chemistry or whatever. Again that company is not the right company for you. If it was you would've gotten the job.

Do you see a pattern? When things are supposed to work out they do. When they are not supposed to work out they do not. I don't know what you believe in or what you base your life on but I base my life on the fact that there are plans for every single one of us on this planet. We have people who we need to meet experiences we have to have all to make us into the person we need to be and to bring us to the best place in our life possible. Right now you are looking at the smallest fraction possible of your life. You have no idea what will come a month from now, or two, three months from now. If yo keep focusing on the negative then all you will bring into your life are negative things.

Look.. im just a phuck up okay? On the damned application, I had like 2 crossouts... I realized today (when I found out I got denied) that usually crossouts are a huge turnoff/red flag in terms of projected performance.. what an idiot I am..

I am actually a very religious person.. I don't know if I believe in fate like you are saying.. God made all of us with free will.. so I don't know about this whole idea of "path" and "if its meant to be its meant to be" and "everything happens for a reason" I really don't know if I buy that crap...

I just need people to talk to you know? I'm sitting home alone on a Friday night.. my ex-gf is signed offline.. do you guys think she could be going out already? Like she is already over me?

I'm just so pained.. im going to the liquor store right now and getting a bottle and sitting outside.. maybe ill feel better.. im not the type to run from my problems, but tonight, I just want to feel numb.. im not an alchy by no means.. but I need something to calm me down and get me ANGRY.. dont worry I will not call or contact her in the process..

Cross outs don't mean anything on an application. I'm a Human Resources person cross outs mean NOTHING. I've hired lots of people who had messy applications. There just wasn't the right click. That's it. You are not a screw up.

And getting drunk and beating yourself up is not going to solve any problems. Who knows what she is out doing and who cares. Its not your concern right now. Your concern should be that you are sabotaging your happiness on fixating on everything that is negative in your life. When things could be much worse. You could be dying of AIDS or cancer, homeless, living in a war torn area with no food, running water or access to medical treatment.

Yeah all of those could be my fate.. and I thank God that they are not... but pain is pain... I feel like I've been alone my whole life.. all I've ever wanted was a girlfriend.. someone I could relate to and who would accept and care for me.. a real best friend.. and now that's gone.. it sucks.. and I'm back to being alone.. trust me NO ONE cares.. I know my family is hurting for me, but come on.. I just feel alone.. and it is awful you don't understand

Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that i was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.
Just TALK TO HER! In person, not over the phone. Meet with her, have a bite to eat, and tell her how you feel. And do it SOON. You could lose her if you wait. Your welcome.
Codename: havefaith

I'm scared to talk... I don't want to push her away further... if she wants to talk, ill be here...

yeh all of those could be my fate..and i thank God that they are not.....but pain is pain....i feel like ive been alone my whole life..all ive ever wanted was a gf..someone i could relate to and who would accept and care for me..a real best friend..and now thats gone..it sucks..and im back to being alone..trust me NO ONE cares..i know my family is hurting for me, but come on..i just feel alone..and it is awful you dont understand

That's your problem Diesel. You need to feel complete, happy and whole in your life by yourself. We've already established you had a co-dependent relationship. You cannot make someone your world. Hey I know its easy to do it but it never ends well. Its too much pressure on someone for them to be your everything. You need to be full before getting into a relationship the relationship should not be what makes you whole.

Does that make sense?

Just TALK TO HER! In person, not over the phone. Meet with her, have a bite to eat, and tell her how you feel. And do it SOON. You could lose her if you wait. Your welcome.
Codename: havefaith

I definitely do not agree with this. This girl broke it off and seems to want nothing to do with him here. I think that doing this will only result in more heartache for him.

Glinda,

A quick question about my failed interview-- Does HR ever change their mind if they reject a candidate? Also, would you recommend that I send the HR lady I interviewed with one more e-mail saying thank you and if anyone drops out to consider me for the position? Please, a detailed answer

I think that would be fine.

Sometimes it does happen. If we meet with someone and we like them but someone is just a little better we tend to keep that person in mind. We've also gone back and pulled people out who we interviewed a while back if they made a good impression and we think they might be a fit for a new position.

I think it woud be perfectly fine to send an email saying to something to the effect of thank you so much for meeting with me. I really did enjoy learning about the company and I hope that if something comes up in the future that fits my qualifications that I would be considered.

Warm Regards - Diesel.

Short, sweet, to the point is totally fine and is likely to make you stand out if something else does open

Feeling like crap again... this is not getting easier..

You just started. Its going to suck way hard before it gets better.

You will have days where it feels easier and it gets better. You will have days where you backslide like no body's business.

Okay here's my story: I miss US.

I am very psychic and in addition to this I have had a lot of experience in my life. I have also done intuitive readings for people here and there, although that's not what I'd do full time, although I could. I have read your entire post, and this relationship of yours is essentially the quintessential "first time first love".
Yes I know its very painful, and its something you must go through. Some people lighten their load by dating others, and it usually does help, although its no antidote for the scars and hurt that is left.

I have only read your first post. No this relationship has no hope of continuing. People never realize as they are experiencing their relationships, that they really only get one "elongated" chance. They have a lot of chances within a certain time frame. They get a lot of opportunities to show WHO they are, and that other person makes judgments against you, even if you don't realize this consciously, or even if they don't realize they are doing it consciously.

Sure you might get back together again, for a while... but the comfort level has been achieved, and some people only wake up when its too late. (as I did)


I miss the old "us's" of most of my past relationships. I have been single a good long time, and I no longer feel the need to plunge into relationships for that "experience" I so craved and felt I must learn when I was younger, in my twenties. :) Nothing like the true life experience, so vastly different from intellectual observation and thinking you know it all already, which is how I was when much younger. Experiences are the fabric of our wisdom, and are required for our evolution.

My ex left me because of their mental problems, and at that time, I would have done anything to get my ex back. I swore I would retrieve my ex from the Heavens itself if I had to, and I "knew" or thought I knew my ex would be back. The truth was I wasted a lot of time not realizing what a jerk my ex was, and romanticized and endeared qualities in him that I should not have. I allowed that relationship to break me down far more than it should have, and should any do this to a human being? Don't kid yourself, you will have many break ups, but you will also have a great life. All this is necessary and perfect in its own seeming impossible state, which is what it will seem like, at the time.

You know, starting a relationship is ALWAYS a risk, because if you two are greatly attracted and want it to work, there is always the potential that you will part, that you will break up, and that you both will then have to endure the breaking up process.

But that is life.. and in life, there is the getting together and breaking up. You cannot let it wound you, or warp your attitudes and feelings about the opposite sex, or other people. You have to realize its just part of life, and it feels intense because it's the first time and you are young, and she is young.

She sounds in some ways like a smart woman, she knows she's young, she wants to get the most out of it, she wants to be fair with herself, that is admirable.

If what she expressed about you is true, the entire reason it has ended is based on the feelings of her being pushed away by the neediness you have felt towards her. That is why so many men go the opposite way and pretend NOT to care, and act cavalier about women, pretending they don't have feelings, pretending they don't get hurt, and eventually begin to objectify and joke about women.

Its all a ruse, and the tricky part about these experiences in life, more so than anything at all, is getting out of them mentally and emotionally unharmed and unscathed. It's a skill and process. Being overly emotional, jealous, possessive, etc. does NOT demonstrate, indicate or "prove" you care more or are in love the most, or feel more emotion. What it shows is that you need more, not that you care more. Many people who feel they "care more" begin to suffocate the person, or even abuse them, and are unable to see what's going on with themselves, and point the finger at others.

There are people with the firm belief that no one should have a serious relationship before the age of 30, mostly because a person changes so much from the age of 20-30. In some very STRONG ways, they are not even the same person, while retaining the same basic personality, looks, idiosyncrasies, etc.

You owe it to yourself to explore what is out there with other people. To do it on your own time, not to get back at someone, but to explore the unlimited possibilities.

Many times a failed relationship is just a case of setting all your goals, sights and love and unrealistic expectations ON THE WRONG PERSON.

You also have to respect her wishes if she doesn't want to see you. She has told you in no uncertain terms that she needs space. You not giving her space is infuriating her and turning her off. It also makes you appear, amazingly unattractive. (to her)

She wants to do right by her own evolution, and you should be interested in yours as well. Let me tell you this, there are other women out there that will be far more interesting and important for you in your life than this one.

You just have to know and believe that, because if you don't, you won't recognize them when you see them.

I'm just stunned.. the way she did all this.. over the damned phone.. and then calls me crying saying I'm sorry I don't want you to hate me.. well right now I kind of do.. I hate all the lies she told me.. and I think that right now she is going out with friends.. yeh very nice.. a damned week after we break up she's going out.. and to think that she would have a change of heart... im so sick of being alone in life.. im so sick of being hurt.. just when I think I have someone good.. she is gone.. and dammit it hurts.. it hurts so bad.. it feels like all the memories are a blur.. all erased.. I hate this I hate this I hate her I hate myself I hate everyone right now

im just stunned..the way she did all this..over the damned phone..and then calls me crying saying im sorry i dont want you to hate me..well right now i kind of do..i hate all the lies she told me..and i think that right now she is going out with friends..yeh very nice..a damned week after we break up shes going out..and to think that she would have a change of heart....im so sick of being alone in life..im so sick of being hurt..just when i think i have someone good..she is gone..and dammit it hurts..it hurts so bad..it feels like all the memories are a blur..all erased..i hate this i hate this i hate her i hate myself i hate everyone right now


I am sorry to read this. I know it won't really mean much to you when I write this, but I wanted to say all these experiences are learning lessons. Lessons not about her, but about you. They are gifts really, because they teach you who you are. I hope that it doesn't make you feel worse about you, or women, or give you false beliefs about life. This just feels very painful because its happening right now. Soon you will feel better, you'll have a better handle on it. In truth, its probably best if you do date soon after, instead of keeping away. You need the leverage.

Anger is good right now. It is propelling you into your next step believe it or not.

You are going through the 5 Stages of Grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

You are doing a lot better then you realize. I think you are doing really well with expressing how you are feeling and getting those bad feelings out. You should be proud that you are able to express yourself and you should feel good that you have a place to express those feelings without fear of being judged or treated poorly.

I think I hit step for a while ago LOL.. it seems like the early morning I'm okay... it's just when it starts to get dark out that bothers me. Plus, it's fall! I hate fall it's all cold and depressing. Fall definetely came a bit sooner this year... Is it normal to have your emotions feel like the stock market? I mean, I am all over the place. I'm trying to watch movies to get my mind of things, but every scene between a guy and girl gets me sad. Even in a screwed up movie like "Seven"... man that movie was twisted..

I think I am still in the denial phase though. I mean, I am sad and all, but I don't know... it just doesn't seem right... what exactly is the bargaining phase?

One final thought, just talking this out is medicinal in a way. I'm sorry if I keep saying the same stuff, but not saying anything feels worse. Thanks again

Anger is good right now. It is propelling you into your next step believe it or not.

You are going through the 5 Stages of Grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

You are doing a lot better then you realize. I think you are doing really well with expressing how you are feeling and getting those bad feelings out. You should be proud that you are able to express yourself and you should feel good that you have a place to express those feelings without fear of being judged or treated poorly.

Can't rate you again on this one;

Your answer is exactly right. All five are definite stages and each is very recognizable. Putting it down "on paper" like this helps people actually see what the process is. Those in grief should all pay attention and realize that this will help them understand that EACH stage will happen and in most instances healing does happen. Good informative answer!

Stringer

I think I hit step 4 a while ago LOL..it seems like the early morning I'm okay....it's just when it starts to get dark out that bothers me. Plus, it's fall! I hate fall it's all cold and depressing. Fall definetely came a bit sooner this year....Is it normal to have your emotions feel like the stock market? I mean, I am all over the place. I'm trying to watch movies to get my mind of of things, but every scene between a guy and girl gets me sad. Even in a screwed up movie like "Seven".....man that movie was twisted..

I think I am still in the denial phase though. I mean, I am sad and all, but idk....it just doesn't seem right....what exactly is the bargaining phase?

One final thought, just talking this out is medicinal in a way. I'm sorry if I keep saying the same stuff, but not saying anything feels worse. Thanks again

Yes all that's normal. I've broken up at least 6 times.. with people I cared about at one point or another. When I've thought about it, Ive realized that you have to make it easy as possible to "get over them" because they don't tend to "come back".

That's if you want to get over them, some people like to romanticize what is not worth romanticizing. In fact it's a pretty irrational time even though you see the writing on the wall, you idealize the person, instead of looking at the cold hard facts that would better allow you to move on. Nothing is worse than dragging out a healing.

Some more advice Ive found helpful. DON'T watch romances, don't listen to songs about love for a second. Don't listen to sad music. Remove all her pictures if you have any.. you don't have to destroy them but you can bury them in some box far away so that by the time you open it again, you won't feel that pain. Remove all her things and all things that remind you of her.

You have to have a new landscape in order to heal faster. Having "reminders" around, romantic or sad music, romantic or sad movies, only hinders the process. Some people just want to be miserable longer, or feel they deserve it, feel they are punishing themselves. You have to look at this realistically because its NOT romantic anymore.

Every time you think of her, cut the scene.. and switch to a thought about something else that is interesting but neutral.

Keep busy doing things that you enjoy. Continue your social contacts, DO NOT HERMIT. Join a gym, if you belong to one work out more. Bury yourself in studies, be ACTIVE, be distracted. Have friends, be around them, talk a lot to people, expunge your grief, but keep the reminders away.

It helps enormously.

When you actually do all this.

I know what you mean about the dark.. the days will get shorter, I hate that as well. We had a horrible heatwave in California.. but it got.. cooler... suddenly. The Summer is supposedly over but I can't see evidence of that, but the dark's hard to handle, esp. when you have a lot of passion and energy in your soul. You can look at it as an embracing time.. a time to sooth you.. don't associate negative feelings with it, because you are what you think. Everyone falls into that trap. You can instead imagine fall and shorter days with the holidays, with the people around you excited about that.. if you had no one, know that at least you can feel the excitement and joy from others. It takes a while to sense it, if you think it only happens with one "significant other". It's a cool nice.. a cosy time.. a time of drawing the strings of an experience to a close.. to gaze upon the package and deem its worth, to sum up the experience and spend time in reflection on your new journey that lies before you.

You know every experience in life is a learning lesson, it's a gift... that tells you who you are, and if you learn the lesson and don't forget, then you will never repeat it again.. and that sets you free for more positive and helpful experiences in life.

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part... she was very generous and helpful.. but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish?? IDK just some thoughts... can you all please elaborate?

Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out.. I mean my ex wasn't a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life.. I would think she would be too emotional not to go out.. idk would you girls go out?

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part....she was very generous and helpful..but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish??? IDK just some thoughts...can you all please elaborate?

I personally don't find that attractive at all. I think this has more to do with your co-dependent nature. That you would trample on yourself in order to take care of her. That's just no a good way to treat yourself. You should be important to yourself and you should consider yourself in situations. Its not about acting selfish or self centered its about getting your personal worth.


Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out..i mean my ex wasnt a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life..i would think she would be too emotional not to go out..idk would you girls go out?

It doesn't matter. They could be hanging out doing each others hair trading unicorn stickers or out banging every guy in a 20 mile radius. It doesn't matter because its not your concern anymore. She can do whatever she wants just as you can. If you sit around and wonder about it all the time its not going to help and its not going to get you anywhere.

or out banging every guy in a 20 mile radius.

Ok, wheres this party happening again? :D

Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that i was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.
If you really want too get her back...
Try giving her a break at least a couple of weeks or months...
Then start all over again

Hey, just a question for future reference----is it attractive or appealing if a guy were to put his GF before even himself at times? My ex told me when we broke up that I shouldn't have always put her first and should have put myself first in most situations. IDK if that is a mean thing on her part....she was very generous and helpful..but doesn't what she convey sound a bit, well, selfish??? IDK just some thoughts...can you all please elaborate?

Another thing--one of her friends (nice one) wrote on her myspace wall today--she wrote, "sleepover friday mwaA" Do you think my ex is going out this weekend or it will just be a night to talk and hang out..i mean my ex wasnt a crazy partier, but she is very attractive and this is her "new" life..i would think she would be too emotional not to go out..idk would you girls go out?

I don't believe that you have ever done this to her.. hence why she is gone. She told you about the possessiveness and jealousy, that's not "putting someone else before you".. that's someone who thinks of themselves and their insecurities before the person that they are dating or with. That's is someone who wants to be appeased and pleased and does things in order for a return. Jealousy is never to be confused with love, not giving someone space is not giving them respect, and that in itself isn't love either. Its not about you, its about both of you.

I know you love her, but the above actions are something that happens altogether too frequently in the world of "love".

Sometimes people believe they have certain qualities that they really don't have. You have to really hear the other person and understand that what they are telling you, (unless they are mentally ill) is something you must acknowledge and consider learning about yourself. Become reflective and meditate on this.

Everything happens for a reason. This one is abundantly clear.

Women want to be given to, and listened to, and respected just as much as they want to know their mate is greatly attracted to them. A great love comes with unconditionality but most people cannot supply the other with this because they have not learned what that means, and they are thinking more about their own gratification and the pleasing of their own ego, in relation to the other person.

Many are in love with the idea of love and how it makes them feel, but this then would make you want to control the person of your affections. That's not real love. That's an addiction. Its akin to a drug.

This is when the other person sees and senses this and gets amazingly turned off and wants to rebel and run away.

Her tears are just guilt and disappointment that "You are not as they would want you to be". People need to open their eyes completely when getting into relationships and realize the person is not someone they can change or fix, but that person can only improve in their own time through experiences. People also need to date their equals, not those on dissimilar paths if they are internally going to be unwilling to learn and grow from the experience. If you do date those on different paths than yourself, pay attention to what they are telling you, instead of fervently wishing them back, and having your old life with them back. If that life was so great, it wouldn't have ended as it has. There's a mystery here for you to discover.. The question is: why did it end? How did you contribute to its untimely demise? What can you learn from this? How can you retain your soul and not lose yourself in the process? How to prevent such a thing from happening again? And How do I learn to roll with life and accept change without feeling defeated by it instead?

Noones a "victim" here, you must remember that. You will always be in a negative mood if you believe that someone's done wrong to you. You have to examine what you have done.. and realize the laws of karma are also balancing.

When you realize what you have done, and that noones a victim, you won't keep asking "Why me?" and "Why did it happen". That requires paying attention and a lot of self honesty.

Basically you are going to receive how much you put into something.

My ex did pretty much the same thing to me... it's totally eerie. Went out for about 2 years then left me without hardly an explanation (over the PHONE) talked to me friendly-like for about a week then she totally broke off all contact and I haven't spoken to her for 2 years. It sucks because with no closure I am still not over her, totally scarred me.