Hey my ex and I split about a month ago. Ive only had no contact since aug.18
She got together with another guy a week later after breaking up. She claims she met him a week prior but who knows if that is the truth. We have been off and on. Im trying to move on but in a way I'm trying to move on to show her I won't always be there and she can't walk all over me any more. I made her number 1 along with our son who is now 2. I need a women's perspective and a lot of it. Will she be back for another round. I know what I did wrong in the past. And this time too. I need to be a man and get her to chase me. Is the no contact making her think ladies ? I ask because my history was to always chase her to get her back. But since she met this guy I have had zero contact.. Am I doing the right thing? Help..

History does repeat itself, but YOU are the one in control of it!
If you don't make a move or start a plan, instead, sitting on your chair, I don't see she comes back.
NC is the right thing to do now.

She wanted me to be a man. I get emotional when it comes to her, Her twin brother was my best friend and he past away a few years ago. We have a son. She said she wanted me to get a seocnd job so after the spliti did. Im trying to prove that I can the man she wants me to be. I work 65 hours a week. Go to school for fire fighting, I love her more then the worl along with my little guy. What kind of plan can I make with NC. It is very unlike me to not have called her and say I love you I love you. Do you think the no contact is making her think she made a mistake?

She said on the split she loves me but doesn't no if she is in love with me. She has said this before and when we got back together this time she swore she did and that she said those things out of anger.

I work 65 hours a week. Go to school for fire fighting,

+

NC

You are a man!

I just started the second job after we spit like a month ago. I love her and I smothered her a lot. Im just hoping she will realize we have a son and our history is to great to just turn and walk away. I have faith that we will be together. Do you think she is wondering why I haven't contacted? From a women's point what would it o to you?

Yes, I am sure she is wondering...

Should I have NC until son she triesto contact.. I thought mabe on halloween when I take my son out , just kind of say hey you want to come ? Or no contact till she tries.. I contact her mom to see my son. But the other day she wanted to drop him off and I said no.. to her mom of course

Any other women have any input

I think you need to stop sniffing after her like a dog sniffs after a bone. Be a man and let the woman go. Take care of your son. That should be your #1 priority. How are you caring for your son if you're working all of those hours trying to impress her.
My thing is, if you have to bend over backwards to impress someone, you don't need them.
Forget about this woman, she does not seem to be worth it.

Im not seeing my son during the week only on the weekends. And I'm doing it for me and my son not her. Im not trying to impress her at all. Just showing that I will over come anything thrown in my way. She is worth it. She is my sons mother, she is my best friends .r.i.p. twin sister, she is the love of my life whom I care very much for and want to make my wife. A week before we split we went to a concert and that night she was saying, ask me tonight it would be so romantic, ask me tonight to marry her then the split..

Well, I can't say of she will come back or not because I don't know why she left. The only thing I can tell you is go on with your life, if she wants to come back, you need to decide if you want to go through this drama again. No one can tell you what to do, but you.
Don't chase her. She is not yours if you have to do all of that to get her.

Im not doing anything to get her. IM notchasing, I haven't calld her or contacted her. Im doing this for myself. To better ny self and my life. I truly believe There has been so many things that bring us together,

I need a women's insight. More then what I've gotten.

Is hard to give insight if you don't know the other side of the story. Will she come back, that depends on why she left and how she feels. You said you guys have been off and on, which tells me there were problems anyway.
I would say if she left you and now has another man, she may not come back and no contact with her tells her you have accepted the fact that she is gone.
I don't think she will come back.

We broke up before xmas and she started dating a guy, she stayed with him for months.. she cheated on him with me and then we got back together, she said she dated him to forget about me,

So your saying I hsould have contac ?

As much as it hurts I would stick to NC. Does not mean whatsoever you won't have contact again one day, maybe in a few years time even. Hey I had a good friend who I worked with 4 years ago who I saw again randomly in a restaurant with my ex 3 years later, we started chatting on MSN and as were working up the road from each other we began to drive each other work and we became best mates, went on hols a few times to.

Best to let a bit of time past first. This way the emotional dust would have settled.

LOL a couple of years.. This is my sons mother whom I love and want to get back in my life as fast as possible..

Any more women with input

Hi sorry for what your going through it suks!! But, honestly, don't contact her unless you have to for the child's sake. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Its so true, and if there is any chance of getting her back, no contact is the only way if at all.

I know its not what you want to hear, sorry. You have to show her and yourself that you can be happy, the and c helps that no matter what happens.

Its a turn off when someone knows you are always there while they are off dating another person.

I hope one day you will look at this differently, and maybe see everything for what it is worth, and if not in the mean time please at least act like you don't give a sh!t about her in that way. Trust me. For some reason it is human nature that you want what you can't have. (somtimes) : ) good luck

Hey my ex and I split about a month ago. Ive only had no contact since aug.18
She got together with another guy a week later after breaking up. She claims she met him a week prior but who knows if that is the truth. We have been off and on. Im trying to move on but in a way im trying to move on to show her I wont always be there and she can't walk all over me any more. I made her number 1 along with our son who is now 2. I need a womens perspective and alot of it. Will she be back for another round. I know what I did wrong in the past. And this time too. I need to be a man and get her to chase me. Is the no contact making her think ladies ? I ask because my history was to always chase her to get her back. But since she met this guy I have had zero contact.. Am I doing the right thing? Help..
Thanks I really appreciate it. I just don't know how a week and a half prior to our split she was saying to me : ak me tonight to marry you it would be so romantic, then split with another guy for a week and a half in Florida.

Im so lost. Her emotion and her reason do not mix.

Sorry guy but as much as you would like your family whole and in intact, she is not going to ever be back the way you want it, and is content to do as she wishes because you will allow it. She may share a child with you, but her lack of love and respect is OBVIOUS, from what you have written, and your efforts at pleasing her are honestly, disgusting from my veiw, as she calls the shots, and you go along with them and its not healthy. Take care of your child, and let her go, as far as a loving relationship, it can never happen, without a lot of changes on her part. I doubt she will change for you.

She moved from out west to come home to be with me in the beginning. What effort am I taking that disgust you. I have had no contact. Im not trying to get her back, She needs to com back on her own. I am only worried about my son. Sure it would great if she came back and tried to make it work. I love her trmendously. I no longer letting her call the shots. Let her do her thing and if she comes back I won't take her back well no right away. She and I would have to go to counselling. Mabe your right but no one knows the whole story and yes from what I've written your right she has zero respect for me and no respect for her self. I do believe she will come back though but for the wrong reasons.

Is it possible for the space and NC I'm giving her for her to realize she made a hue mistake? Is it not possible that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants

I really apologise for being to harsh as I think you're a good guy who had a child with a bad female and you deserve better. I think that false hope keeps you from seeing her and the situation clearly and puts you in the position of waiting to be missed, and holding out for her to see the error of her ways. That is futile to my way of thinking, and getting a life you enjoy without her, is the way to go. Getting over her and finding your own happiness, will free you from her confusion, and be better in the long run for the child you share. Her coming back for the wrong reasons will not bring you happiness, I don't think, but more misery and confusion. Hard to take, but I feel it so important that you break her influence on you completely, and replace it with a healthier relationship with some one else. To do that, you must move forward. No one can predict her actions in the future, but you can control your life in the present.

I mean we were engaged before the first split. I just don't know. Im trying to better myself.. All I can do

Your right in a way I'm holding out for her. But I know the day will come and she will want to get back together what the hell do I say or do then. And I know I should live in today and not tomorrow, We both have hurt each other a lot emotinally threw the past few years, I do want her to miss me but you are right I need to move on. If she comes back then I will deal with it then I guess. Its difficult to think of her being with another man. I have so many things I want to say to her but I'm staying strong with the no contact.

It is quite possible that she is confused.

From her view, she sacrificed 'whatever' in her life to relocate and live near you. She gave you a son. She evidently was not happy with your 'income' or she would not have asked you to work two jobs. How did she expect you to split the time you were not working your off - loving her; sharing quality time with your son; oh, don't forget that you also should have had some time to sleep - you know that basic human need...

It sounds to me as if she wants her cake and to eat it too - a good father, more money, a boyfriend on the side to take trips with, etc.

I think your idea of counseling for her is a good one, but how are you going to get her to agree? Oh, and another question.. is she at the very least.. a good mother?

You cannot take her future into your hands - that is something she needs to do herself. BUT.. you can and should make certain that your son does not come out short, whether you get back together or not. That should be your very first priority. If you can live well doing just one job, dump the other one and use the valuable quality time for raising your son as best as you can. He won't get quality from a burned-out, overworked father.

Hope you can get yourself together for YOU and your son..

Maybe she will 'grow up' someday, but don't hold your breath.

Again, good luck.


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I mean we were engaged before the first split. I just dont know. Im trying to better my self.. All i can do

You are trying to 'better' yourself.. For who, and whose standards are you going by?

How does the neighborhood perceive you as a person and father? What does your family think about all of this. I'm sure that they are not blind or deaf to this, and that they also have expressed some views of their own.

Have you been such a looser in the past that you have to Change to a Whole Completely New Person?

Every couple has arguments, but if this happened throughout most of the relationship with only a few happy instances, what is it that made it all so special?

Try a making a list of all the good times, versus all the lousy times and see which side of that list is larger... It's time to get out of the dream and back to reality.

Reality: she cheated on you; she thinks you are a looser and should work two jobs; she did this to you twice. Ok, now what great thing did she do for you that can make you forget these put-downs forever?

Honey, this too will pass, just stick with us AND plan some quality time with your son.


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I have so many things i wanna say to her but im staying strong with the no contact.

Say it here.. or start a diary (journal). Believe me, it helps.

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You summed it up so well Chery, as when you go through that sort of abuse, and still want her back is so not healthy for him, but so natural after a rough history and break up. Heal so you can see things in a clear and honest way.

Things I want to ask

Did you ever love me? Were you ever in love with me?
How can you do this to your brothers best friend? Your twin brothers best friend who past away.
After telling me I was the only one you ever saw yourself being with time and time again then this betrayel..
How many guys do you really think want to be serious with a women with a child. And me to put up with?
What in the hell are you thinking or doing with your life?
Why would you ask me a week before the break to marry you. -- I saved my money for so long and bought tickets for both us to go to italy to propose...
Why are you so heartless to me and cold to me when you cheated on me...
You are so selfish, you say you only think of our son but do you think our son wants his mommy and daddy separated.
You act like your so responsible but you take off for a week to Florida :not seeing your son for a week: not working for the week: and sleeping with a man you claim you met a week prior.
You threw our future away for what you thought in that moment was going to be good thing but I know you will fall and come back but this time I'm not chasing and I will say no. You have hurt me beyond belief and you couldn't say a million sorrys. How can I ever trust you ever again. How can you as a human being with a conscience look me in the face with our dropping a tear because of what you have done to me. Im not just some guy I was a part of your family growing up. I took your virginity when we were young teens. We have so much history Bricania made a volume on us.

Why did you do this. Where do you get off thinking this is OK to do to mem or yourself or even OUR SON you selfish...



Hmm that felt a little better

That's a good start Crush..

Now.. try placing yourself in her shoes and see if you can write down what her answers to these questions would be. Again, you don't have to write it down here, but be honest with yourself and objective, then write it down in a journal.

Remember, we are not seeking to blame anyone, just trying to figure out what went wrong and why you two grew apart, OK..


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I just drove into work and she pulled in right behind me to bring our son to the doctors. She doesn't know I seen her but she definitely seen me. I wanted to go over to the doctors office so bad. But I didn't.

Ugh now she is behind my office at her girl friends house. Its driving me crazy I want to confront her but I'm not and won't. I hate how she has this control over my emotions

Crush.. when it comes to your son, don't have false pride get in the way!

You have all the right in the world to ask how your son is doing and if he's healthy. So at least call his grandma to find out how things went today.

Don't give anyone the feeling that you no longer care for him or they will also use this against you if there is a custody battle down the road.

Think ahead.

There will always be occasions when the two of you will have to talk or be in the same room, but for your son, not for her. So please get used to the idea and work on being strong in other ways to protect yourself. Don't show animosity in the presence of your child.

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Yeah but she doesn't know I new about the appointment. Half a month ago I called the doctors office and ask when my sons next appointemtn was. She is messing with me by parking where she did. When I pulled in I KNOW SHE SAW ME but I acted like I never even saw her. So for her to park right there it is like she is saying LOOK here I am... She could have parked in the front of her girl friends house where I wouldn't see her car.

Why is it some times threw the day I feel great and others I hit the low point

Yeah but she doesnt know I new about the appointment. Half a month ago I called the doctors office and ask when my sons next appointemtn was. She is messing with me by parking where she did. When I pulled in I KNOW SHE SAW ME but i acted like i never even saw her. So for her to park right there it is like she is saying LOOK here i am... She could of parked in the front of her girl friends house where I wouldnt see her car.

During a break-up, we all do tend to read more into things that what is really there. We question the motives of every action the other does. And.. just because everyone does it does not mean that it's the best thing to do.

So, she is messing with you.. big deal. Stay focused on your priority and let the other crap happen - you can't change her but you can change how you react to circumstances. That's one of the hardest things to do when hurting, but it eventually will bother you less and less.

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Why is it some times threw the day I feel great and others i hit the low point

That's why they call it the emotional roller-coaster. You are not, repeat, not the only one going through this. Check on some of the other threads and see what many are experiencing and/or have experienced. Your situation seems bigger to you because you have to live through it and feel it.

Try and work on your list and make some plans for the next 5 days. See what you can come up with.

You will go through many changes from now on. The outcome and destiny is your choice to make.

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I know this is wrong to say. But my destiny involves her and my son no matter what I do . So I would rather her and I try to work it out..

Crush, it's not wrong to say what you did. And it's not wrong to wish that you will wind up a happy family some day.

What is wrong in this is to continue to be narrow minded and think that things will not change.

You will be angry at her and you will accuse her of cheating on you.. etc. Both will need professional help to mend scars this great.

In all reality, if she came back tonight.. would you forgive and forget all she did to you emotionally?? Do you seriously think that this will change overnight into a 'live happily ever-after' dream?

Some people managed no contact, reassessment and restructure of their lives where both of the adults grew up - and then got back together 3 or 5 years down the road.

It's not impossible, but it's a long bumpy road and the survivors are the ones that gain. So, admit there is a problem, work on it with a better perspective, and then initiate a mending process. This will of course include the mother of your child - but she also needs time to grow up and put her life in reality first.

No matter how long this takes, I hope it will turn out the way you wish.

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Thank you. Those words mean a lot. I know she needs time for reality to set in. I believe when it does she will realize what she has done. I know things won't change over night but all I can do is to continue to better myself and fix the faults that she didn't like. Note I'm fixing them for me for the future because if she didn't like certain things other women might not as well. I Have never gone this long with out speaking to her. I ponder if it has any affect on her. Yes we both need counseling. But both need to be willing to go. I will keep posting here every day for a long long time. I know there is other going threw the same pain but my situation is so different because of who she is to me. I feel strong that I didn't go see her to day. All thought I did watch her get in her car and leave her friends with my son. I know weak, but it was better then confronting Ttyl thanks cherry

No problem, Crush..

You know that we will be here for you, if it's just to talk or give and take advice.

Each one of us is different and we do have different problems. The best is sometimes just to be there and show support.

So, don't worry, your AMHD family will always have a shoulder and ear for you.

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I just wonder if she thinks or will ever think she made a mistake..

I just wonder if she thinks or will ever think she made a mistake..
It is so futile to try and wonder what someone else will do, work on you and taking care of your son, and leave her and her motives alone, or you'll always wonder what she is doing or will do. Save the misery and pain by making plans for what you feel you should be doing, and get out of her head. The bottom line is whether you are a family or not, you two still have a child to raise together. Sorry your going through this, but she has a right to pursue her life without you. Her choice.

Can some one explain the purpose of NC. Can it be used in different ways? My healing, her realizing she miss's me/ Validate all of it uses for me :)

Can some one explain the purpose of NC. Can it be used in different ways? My healing, her realizing she miss's me/ Validate all of it uses for me :)
No Contact is solely for you to heal and accept that the relationship is over and you can let go of the false hope she will be back. It stops the confusion and chaos, of wishy washy answers, to dumb begging questions by you to the ex and allows the emotional dust to settle so you can see things clearly and make better decisions about yourself and your life. It lets you move on and be healthy and happy without her.

NC also allows you the chance to learn how to STAND ALONE, gain self-respect and continue in the normal growing process of things.

If you constantly wonder what is on someone else's mind you loose contact with yourself. You need to push all other distracting things out of your mind - 'clean house' so to speak - so that you can do some serious renovation.

It is also giving the other individual the opportunity of doing some house cleaning.

Once all of the dusting and cleaning is done, a clearer perspective should be recognized by both and agreed to, no matter if alone or eventually together. That is something nobody can 'see in the cards' this early.

Remember, each step you two take right now is toward a change -this is unavoidable - NOTHING will ever be the same as it was again. HOW you two will change, with or without the old baggage, is up to you.

So.. stop wondering what's on her mind... Sort the stuff that's in your mind right now.

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I really don't have all ofthis false hope. Ive acce[ted what she has said to me but in the past she comes back after I chase her and she said she was angry and said those things too hurt me

How do I dal with the thoughts. What exercise if any can I practice . I try to keep busy but at the nights end when I try to go to sleep all I think about is her..

No contact is not a quick fix and is a heckuvalot of work on your part. If you want the easy way consult a psychic.

I haven't contacted at all in almost a month. 4 more days and one month

How do i dal with the thoughts. What exercise if any can I practice . I try to keep busy but at the nights end when i try to goto sleep all I think about is her..

What I did once was keep the TV on all night on a channel that has a lot of narration (i.e. Discovery, Documentary). Something that can 'lull' you to sleep and is of no particular interest to you at the moment. As long as it is not a show that will make you associate with her.

After exercise, take a hot shower or bath, drink some warm milk and read a book until you fall asleep. Get a book you know is going to keep your interest low, but read it anyway - good training.

Any distraction that you can find is good right now, as long as you get enough rest. If you can, even try to stay up all night doing other things and sleep during the day.. if the job will allow (like on weekends).

Try to stay away from those 'routine' things you did with her as much as possible.

P.S. DON'T try and dampen the pain with alcohol... that will only make things worse.

You'll probably get a few more suggestions here.. so just stay with us.

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While I'm at it.. here's another suggestion:

Move your furniture around. If she stayed with you at your place a lot, take the place apart and re-decorate. Remove all those 'little' things that you both acquired for the 'household'. Get new salt and pepper shakers, new linen for the bed, new pillow covers for the couch, new scented candles... well you get the picture.

If possible, move the bed to another spot in the room, just rearrange all that you can so that it will 'feel' like it's just your place alone.

When you enter you should think: MY PLACE.. and not OUR PLACE. Open all the windows and let new fresh air in. Light candles with a whole new scent. Change things in the bathroom - out with the old and in with the new... even down to changing the brand of soap and toilet paper. I'm serious!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_8_4v.gifNew sheets, new dreams...

Hey! Listen, the more you chase her, the more she's going to run.

Maybe she thinks your going to be there all the time. So, if things don't work out between her and the new guy, she thinks your going to be there as her second plan.

I'd wait and have no contact. Don't make your life suitable for her. Enjoy some time with your child.

I have had zero contact since the split. Its not like we broke up and she waited a month she had me on the back burner because afer the split she took of for a week to Florida with this guy. I will not contact her in any way shape or form. She needs to contact me bottom line. Im not chasing her. I have always done that in the past but not this time. Im done. THe only way I will even think about taking her back is if she calls me crying and being histarical. Other wise I don't need her drama. She made a big mistake and I don't know if she will ever realize it but one day she will. It all seriousness NO MAN WANTS TO BE WITH A WOMEN WHO ALREADY HAS A KID OUT OF WEDLOCK. Sure they might want to fool around with her but that's about it, She will hit a brick wall soon enough and she will come back like you say because she knows I will always be there but this time I won't be not even close. She has lost me this time and even though I love her with every last ounce of my blood, what she has done to me is almost unforgivable. She will be back this I do no. WHen that I don't no. But I will no longer let her take advantage of me. After reading these posts and realized where I have always been going wrong. I will not let her have this control over my emoition. She might not care now but one day she will and by then it will be way to late. I see my son on sun. Haven't seen him in 3 weeks because of her. She wants me to chase her but it isn't going to happen. She is used and abused and I want to say that to her so so bad but I won't. She will eat the words she said to me. Im moving on and although I think of her like crazy and want to be with her I just won't allow it this time. Not after all of this. Only way is for her to be histarical and that is just the start

Hey Crushed.. great that you will have some time with your son..

Have you made any plans for that day or are you going to just 'hang' around?

Whatever you do, just try very hard not to show too much of your anger in his presence, or he might think it's his fault. Don't put her down in his presence either, that will only backfire.. OK?

Hug him, hold him, show him your pride in him and make a promise to yourself that no matter what, you'll always be there for him.

I know you can do it.

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I made that promis to him and her the day I found out she was preganant. I made a promis to her twin brother my best friend rest in piece that I would ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER AND HIM. Sucks because I will always be there for her but for right now she needs to see that I won't be. And she will find out that the decision she made will affect her for the rest of her life. I love my little guy. He iss only two just turned in aug. I don't speak poorly of her in front of him. And I am always positive in his presence. I will take him to the park and fishing. Just do guy stuf with m little guy. I got him a fire fighters costume for halloween. I can wait to see m little guy...

Going out tonight.. what if I see her?

I have my son today but I can't help but think of his mom. I love her so much and I just want her and I to work threw our issues and past issues. I still have trouble coping how she can just leave after all we have been threw. And this no contact I know it is for me but I thought it should have some affect on her...

Some one on this forum said...

They are consciously not thinking about you. So they are thinking about NOT thinking about so... basically they are thinking about you.. This helped. I know I shouldn't worry about what she is doing and really I'm not. What I am worried about is me not pursuing her will make her move on faster. Im at a lose of words. I truly love her and I know she truly loves me but we have issues we both need to get over.. But we both need too so I don't no what to do.

NC is the right thing to do. But don"t let her put you on a guilt trip by saying things like "be a man", etc. What you need to do is live your life the way that's right for you, by your own rules. Since she gave you the runaround, don't call her an don't be available to her. If she calls you and tries to get back together with you, then do so but on your terms and conditions. I'm not telling you to give her a list of written rules to sign but you carry those rules around in your head and abide by them. If she doesn't go along, then there are consequences. Get the picture? That's actually the best way to prove to her that you're a real man ; not by trying to blindly conform to her expectations.

Well her expectations are also my own. Really I enjoy working and saving money. IM 25 as she is. We have had a long history and every one I talk to says "oh she will be back" then they say mabe not for the right reasons but she will be back.. My question also is so many people say this but if you were her and did these things how could you even have the balls to face me let alone ask to get back together.

Because she sees you as the "Safety Net" She sees you have your head on your shoulders and you have a direction in life (Secure). This is the same problem with my ex she kept falling on me when it didn't work out with others.

Things I wanna ask

Did you ever love me? Were you ever in love with me?
How can you do this to your brothers best friend? Your twin brothers best friend who past away.
After telling me I was the only one you ever saw your self being with time and time again then this betrayel..
How many guys do you really think wanna be serious with a women with a child. And me to put up with?
What in the hell are you thinking or doing with your life?
Why would you ask me a week before the break to marry you. -- I saved my money for so long and bought tickets for both us to goto italy to propose............
Why are you so heartless to me and cold to me when you cheated on me...
You are so selfish, you say you only think of our son but do you think our son wants his mommy and daddy seperated.
You act like your so responsible but you take off for a week to florida :not seeing your son for a week: not working for the week: and sleeping with a man you claim you met a week prior.
You threw our future away for what you thought in that moment was going to be good thing but i know you will fall and come back but this time im not chasing and I will say no. You have hurt me beyond belief and you coudn't say a million sorrys. How can i ever trust you ever again. How can you as a human being with a conscience look me in the face with our dropping a tear becuase of what you have done to me. Im not just some guy I was a part of your family growing up. I took your virginity when we were young teens. We have so much history Bricania made a volume on us.

Why did you do this. Where do you get off thinking this is ok to do to mem or your self or even OUR SON you selfish ..............



hmm that felt a little better
Putting a guilt trip on her won't work. She's a master of that art herself so she'll see right through it. As the others have been telling you, you need to man up and live your life the way that's right for you (without neglecting your son, of course.) Make it clear to her, without saying so much in words, that you are the master of your own destiny and you don't conform to anyone else's expectations but your own. That's what'll impress her most of all. It might not win her back, and if it doesn't then there's plenty of fish in the ocean but she'll acquire more respect for you one way or the other. Trying to constantly please others is no way to live your life.

What you quoted was things I would want to ask. . Not a guilt trip.. If you read the post above that you would see cher said to just ask questions I would want to ask on this forum. I'm not going to contact her at all. I am just going to live my life. She needs to be the one to contact me. Im not trying to impress her. Im trying to impress myself and impress my son . SO when he is older I can say I worked my off to give you the best life I could.

every one I talk to says "oh she will be back" then they say mabe not for the right reasons but she will be back..
But if she doesn't come back for the right reasons then you don't want her back, period. The fact that other people make this observation makes it clear that she's a user and takes advantage of people and she's taking advantage of you.
My question also is so many people say this but if you were her and did these things how could you even have the balls to face me let alone ask to get back together.Simple ; because you let her get away with it. She knows that she can walk all over you and you'll still always be there for her. That's exactly why you need to start playing by your own rules and nobody else's. When she sees that you play by the rules, she'll have no choice but to do so herself as well.

I'm going out to breakfest with my boy. Can you or any women explain if and how this could be.. Thanks so much scianci. I understand ill be playing by my rules. But how can she come back if she knows shem essed up..

Crushed.. right now you should not even give a darn what she is thinking.
You are healing from a broken heart, and that, like a broken bone, needs to have a chance to heal without being injured again and again in the same place, and by the same person.

Keep that cast around your heart (no contact) and work on your mind as well.

She messed up and used you... she will also have to learn things the hard way. We can hope that she learns as quick as you do, but that is still up to her. She might not learn to grow up for years but that should not stop you from going on with your life and being the calm and collected father your son deserves. If your mind is off wandering, he will feel that you are not all there with him and for him. Don't make him come in second in your life now, make him feel he's the apple of your eye.

s_cianci also spelled it out to you very well..

We are not wasting your time or our's here.. we seriously know what we are talking about and want to help you. It does NOT MATTER if she wants to come back now or ever... until she's grown up, she won't even know why..

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I understand. Just hard hearing what I don't want to hear. Just hanging out with my son makes me miss her. Just us doing things as a family..

I understand. Just hard hearing what i dont wanna hear. just hanging out with my son makes me miss her. Just us doing things as a family..
For your sake, and that of your sons', you had better learn how to handle those feelings.

I no howto handle them. Doesn't mean I can control them. I conduct myself in a great manner in front of my little guy. When him and I are together it isall about him. Just because I'm thinking of his mom in my head doesn't mean I'm not providing for him.

I no howto handle them. Doesnt mean i can control them. I conduct my self in a great manner in front of my little guy. When him and I are together it isall about him. Just because im thinking of his mom in my head doesnt mean im not providing for him.

Just cautioning you that kids are soon keen on homing in 'feelings' around them. They suck up emotions like a sponge. We adults think that as long as we 'act' right, all is well. But children can see when we are putting on an act and wonder if they are at fault. Why do you think so many psychologists specialized in 'child psychology'? Because we now realize that we cannot 'hide' fundamental emotions, or anything else from them. Just aking you to be aware. If you have to think of her, don't do it 24/7, restrict your thoughts to a limit and let other thoughts take over once in a while.

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I happens in spurts. Ill be OK and staying strong then I just break.. I really miss her./ And I love her. I know that as soon as I am moved on and not care any more that is when she will come back and I hate that because I know it is true.

I happens in spurts. Ill be ok and staying strong then I just break.. I really miss her./ And I love her. I know that as soon as I am moved on and not care any more that is when she will come back and I hate that because i know it is true.

We don't know that, and you don't know that.

The only thing I do know is that if you keep thinking this way and not let go, you will be at a standstill.

If she does come back AFTER YOU LET GO... good. That way you'll have control over yourself and the situation.

If you don't let go and heal, you will not regain your crucially needed self-respect. The only one who will benefit from this scene is her.. not you, not your child.

If you were a woman, or another man, what would you think of yourself in this weakened condition.

Sorry that it sounds like I'm repeating myself here but you need to stand up for yourself, and that does not mean you constantly repeating how much you love her, etc. SHE DOES NOT CARE at this point.

It's time you start caring about yourself a lot more.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_137.gifYour are no longer love-sick kid. Those day are over - you are a father now.

That is the mother of your child, and she will always be special. For now, just accept the way things are, and really focus on you. Unlike others who come here after a break up, it is so important that you both work together for this special child you have created. As a man and father, you are the one who must find a way, to not only move on, and have a life that makes you happy without her, but have to be in her life, and that isn't easy but let your child be your incentive to be at your best. She is so innocent. Not fair she bear the burden of the adults. I know that it will not be easy to balance all that out, but you must succeed. You don't have the luxury of walking completely away. You can do this, and you have my support.

Well thanks tali.. I have a little boy not a girl lol but I hear what your saying. I am trying to be the best I can be with my little guy. Im trying to work my off so I can provide things for him as he gets older. Right now things cheap for a 2 yr old preety much. But I'm bustin my to save money for my future along with his. This halloween I am taking him out and he is going to be a fire fighter along with me. Im in training for firefighting. I was thinking of asking his mom "th ex" if she would like to come along. No pressure just going to ask her if she is there if she would like to come along. Is this wrong? I just want my son and his parents to take him trick or treating. I will not mention her and I. Nor will I allow the conversation to get started. If it does start about anything to do with her and I, I will simply say now is not the time to talk about this mabe another time. That is ishe decides to come. Haven't spok to her in basically a month and a half. Really a month since I started the no contact. Month and a half sinc we split. Or should I not even bother asking her to come along? Im trying to be cival and for my son not to miss out on family time..

Ask your son if he wants mom to come along too. If he does, then deal with it. It's OK to let him talk about her, she's his mom, and he will find it difficult to not talk about her sometimes. Play it by ear, and be as casual about it as you can.

We know it's not easy, just try to stay cool.

Good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifBy the way, Halloween is still a month away.. try and focus on a more current calendar...

He is only 2. He doesn't speak all that much. I don't think he would really know the difference if she came. He and I are 25 he is onl two. And I plan on playing it by ear

He is only 2. He doesnt speak all that much. I dont think he would really know the difference if she came. He and I are 25 he is onl two. And I plan on playin it by ear

If he's only 2, then I would not bother asking mom to come along. There are times when toddlers enjoy being with just one parent at a time to be able to bond, and they don't need both all the time. Make the time with him special and keep mom out of it for a while. He will remember the good times with dad.. as well as the good times with mom, grandmother, etc. Here's a chance for you to help him build and keep great memories with dad - and those he'll keep forever.
Just like in computers.. you're helping him build his database - just make sure it's not with junk.

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Why not enjoy your son by yourself and have a great time. I see no need in her being there for your quaulity time. That's the best way to avoid arguments and any awkward moments.

I have the worst urge to call her and ask her to meet face to face. I gavent spoke to her since the initiale split. I have questions and it bothers me that I have this urge. And partially I'm doing the no contact to try to get her to come back but I fell if I just do nothing then that won't increase my chances of getting her back. And I know I shouldn't be concernd with that but I am. I would love for her to want to work threw our issues. This kills me. I try and deal with this every time I think about it. I get angry and I don't want to be angry. I just want to let go and stop loving her. I just want to be free of this pain and burden. I just don't seem I can let go of her for good , as much as I think of trying I just can't let go . Her and I have way too much history for me to just walk away, And even though she has I just don't feel that I can. HELP ugh

Under certain circumstances the best way to deal with this would be to have no contact in ordet to make the statement that you will not let her walk all over you however the two of you have a child and that child should come first. Both of you have to deal with the fact that one another is going to be around at least until your son turns 18. My advice would be to contact her, show her that you are the bigger person BUT only discuss your son. Don't ask about her day, her new boyfriend, or how she feels about you. Your main concern should be your child and you should make that clear during these discussions. It will be really hard at first but yes history will keep repeating itself unless you stop it. I know that it is easier said than done but why would you want to be with a person that is constantly questioning their desire to be with you?

I have the worst urge to call her and ask her to meet face to face. I gavent spoke to her since the initiale split. I have questions and it bothers me that i have this urge. And partially im doing the no contact to try to get her to come back but i fell if i just do nothing then that wont increase my chances of getting her back. And i know i shouldn't be concernd with that but i am. I would love for her to wanna work threw our issues. This kills me. I try and deal with this every time i think about it. I get angry and i dont want to be angry. I just wanna let go and stop loving her. I just want to be free of this pain and burden. I just dont seem i can let go of her for good , as much as i think of trying i just can't let go . Her and I have way to much history for me to just walk away, And even tho she has i just dont feel that i can. HELP ugh

Getting angry is a big part of this process and you should let it happen.

Not letting your true emotions, anger, pain, out is going into denial. Alcoholics go into denial, but they keep drinking until they get past this.

If you keep this up and deny yourself anger, you'll be back at square one and not have learned a darned thing.

But, we've told you this before, and I really hope it will soon sink in.

Have a good weekend.

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But who do I let me anger out too, I mean I someitmes want to just scream and yell at her. But then I think well that will get me know where. Then I think I will play the I don't care anymore care and just be civil and only speak of my son and that's it. Just act like nothing happen and act like she means nothing to me. I dot know.

But who do I let me anger out too,
What a great question, how to vent those feelings in a constuctive way. Most guys go in for physical exertion, through the gym, or sports, a good friend who is a great listener can help also. I think the best way is to organise your life in a way as to provide you with challenges, and new people, and makes you happy. Its hard to be angry when your doing what you enjoy doing. Be creative and do something you've never done so as to change the focus of your emotions and concentrate on something else besides your ex. Have you ever volunteered your time to something worthy? Try it and gain a new perspective of yourself. Anger requires action, whether positive or negative is up to you. Stay positive and have no regrets later.

Also.. Is it ever possible to be more then a safety net.

Hey crush, I just have read all your story, and I just want to show you my complete support. I'm passing through some sort of a similar situation, and I recognize in my flesh and bones what you feeling right now.

All I can say for now, is everything this wonderful people are recommend you, not only is THE WAY but even is VITAL. It is the right path. It sucks to fight those feelings but the advise of Cherry about the exercises on how not to think about it, worth every word.

You as well as me and others in this situations, have to learn how to implemment step by step this thing of "not been a safety net" for ANYBODY but us. We know it's not healthy, but we need that little push.

Go ahead man! We have to!

Flying solo this time :)

Does history repeat its self

Yes it does. I have a history of failing and it is repeated every day

OK well I'm preety PISSED I just found out that about 2 weeks agi she took my son to Florida to go see the guy she left me for. SHE TOOK MY FUGGIN SON. I want to call her and yell. I WONT>> NC all the way. BUT

OK so here is the scoop. I have not spoker to her but one of her friends told me what has been going on. Her friend is disgusted by her behavior. She took my son to Florida to see this guy that she just met. We live in canada he lives in Florida. He is 36 and I hear he has money. 3 cars a truck corvette and something else. So I'm preety pissed she took him to Florida. But now my buddys girlfriend said that my ex told her that she wants to marry this guy after only knowing him for 2 months and out of the 2 months only hung out with him for 3 solid weeks. Should I be worried. I know its over but this is kind of heartbreaking. I mean a week before we broke up she wanted me to ask her to marry her now she wants this new guy because he has money and she likes the idea. Do you think it is a phase ? So right now I guess she is in a long distance relationship. But she is so nieve to think that this guy is only sleeping with her. 36 and has money living in Florida he probably has multiple girls. Women what do you think..

I think its her life, and none of your business, and speculating about it is a perfect waste of your time. Absolutely no good can come of this and speaking to her friends about her is not a great sign.

Her friend came to me.

I got to agree with Talaniman. Now, she shouldn`t be your concern, I mean about her ways. What she does, what she did, what she will do about HER life, it`s her own business. If you heard that, well I know that sucks since you still have feelings around, but in the mid term you should be happy you save yourself from a gold digger.
What I should be concerned is if she gets married with this guy, well it would be to deal something it`s favorable for both of us about how to be close to your child.
She's not the one for you, but your little guy IS. You must separate this feelings now.

her friend came to me.
Your reply to well meaning friends

I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!

ok so here is the scoop. I have not spoker to her but one of her friends told me what has been going on. Her friend is disgusted by her behavour. She took my son to florida to see this guy that she just met. We live in canada he lives in florida. He is 36 and I hear he has money. 3 cars a truck corvette and something else. So im preety pissed she took him to florida. But now my buddys girlfriend said that my ex told her that she wants to marry this guy after only knowing him for 2 months and out of the 2 months only hung out with him for 3 solid weeks. Should I be worried. I know its over but this is kinda heartbreaking. I mean a week before we broke up she wanted me to ask her to marry her now she wants this new guy becuase he has money and she likes the idea. Do you htink it is a phase ? So right now i guess she is in a long distance relationship. But she is so nieve to think that this guy is only sleeping with her. 36 and has money living in florida he probly has multiple girls. Women what do you think..
Come back from hospital stay, and what a mess. Sorry you're all rattled, but listen up!

What the guy does and has is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Should you be worried... NO not about her... be concerned for your son.
You claim you know it's over... That's BULL**** You are in DENIAL
Do we think it is a phase... WHO CARES! It's her life.. YOU are also going through PHASES and should be working on them and not dumb speculation about her life.
You guess she's in a long distance relationship... STOP guessing what she thinks, feels, or does not feel.
She is so nieve?????? Look in the mirror and observe a real nieve person!

This is what THIS woman thinks.. what's more.. I think that you should shift your priorities to yourself and your son. No matter what she does, you will always be his father and you have rights... secure those rights and work on securing a stable and loving future (no matter where he is) THIS IS LIFE.. and many fathers have to share their children. So.. no matter what she does, SUCK IT UP and MOVE ON. If she is a gold-digger, so be it, as long as she takes good care of your son.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifhttp://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_137.gifKeep chewing on the same old crap and you'll get lockjaw.

ok well im preety PISSED I just found out that about 2 weeks agi she took my son to florida to go see the guy she left me for. SHE TOOK MY FUGGIN SON. I wanna call her and yell. I WONT>> NC all the way. BUT

Well, she probably knew how you would act and was not ready for a drama.

She is his mother, and she can take him anywhere she wishes. You are not divorced with dual custody. Now, if she is going to live there, she might have to ask for your permission through legal channels.

Did you work on any list yet? The reasons for being angry at her should be longer than the list of all the wonderful times you had by now. Getting upset and cleaning that mental house of your's is very important so keep on working at it. Don't fall into a fantasy "what if" world.. it's not going to do you any good. Honey, face reality and grow from here - the sooner, the better.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_14_6.gifAnger needs a vent, look for a safe way to release it.

I think its her life, and none of your business, and speculating about it is a perfect waste of your time. Absolutely no good can come of this and speaking to her friends about her is not a great sign.
Talaniman... got the spread it message again.

Listen up Crushed... you are wasting way too much time with your speculations and guesses... Your main concern should be yourself (and I don't mean a better self with her and the kid.. that's a fantasy) Work on reality and dream new dreams.

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