https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-am-unsure-what-do-about-her-119423.html

Hi guys,
It's been almost four months now since my ex left me. As some may know she instantly went for another who she is still with

For those who don't know the story it's in the link below

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-am-unsure-what-do-about-her-119423.html


Reason for bringing this up again is that at the moment there is a BIG what if going around in my head.
Myself personally so far am doing fine although I still think about her a lot, but somewhere in my head I believe I may have gone about things the wrong way while I was with her. I made her number one in my life and put her above myself.( Mistake yes) The question I have is if I went the other way about this... perhaps had more of my own life and did more for myself( hanging more with my mates etc), do you guys think that we would still be together right now and that she would not of left me.
Because as I see it at the moment she realised how easy I was and perhaps she got bored of me... or am I just trying 2 find the good in her?

By the way she does still try 2 contact me... and does get upset when I ignore her even though she has someone else now... I figured maybe she calls me when she's bored of her boyfriend.

Those fears and insecurities are quite normal and will fade in time but staying in contact is feeding you false hope and has you confused trying to figure out what you did wrong in the past. You did nothing wrong, it just didn't work and would not of whatever you did. One thing though, cut the contact with her, and stop being so available, and so what if she gets mad. Continuing to feed her ego is at the heart of your problems. Prove to yourself you can move on, and break her influence.

Thanks for your reply Talaniman. I see what you mean by the whole false hope thing. But it just leaves me in question that maybe if I wasn't around her all the time she would have stuck by me... but then I guess if she really did love me it would have worked out one way or another?

Yeah... what's meant to be is meant to be! The population of women in about 18million from age 16-59... why hang around waiting on this 1 girl!! Go out there an do some damage!!

LOL damage...
It's just hard at the moment, I'm trying the whole NC thing but I keep finding myself looking back at if I did do this differently it would have worked out the other way instead. Like having more of my own life. But then I look at it of how many times we broke up, and how many times I said 2 myself this time I will do this differently... but I always found it to end the same for both of us. I always said 2 myself this time I will stand up for myself more... blah blah. This last time I did but it didn't work... perhaps we seen each other 2 often (everyday just about). But then I guess that if seeing each other every day really was the case of the problem, then our absence from each other at the moment would make us both realise, and would clear that question up in my head wouldn't it?

Your situation is very similar to mine mate, I must of split up with my ex about 10 times this year alone - not healthy! An every time I split up I used to notice where I was going wrong, then as soon as we got back I'd try correcting the problem but soon we'd fall back into routine again an result in splitting a few months down line... the frequency got closer as it came to the main break! I think it's just a fact of life mate, it's the first time I've ever been through it an it bloody hurts but it can only make you a better man an bring you closer to Mrs Right! Chin up, forget about the past, look forward an move on... its hard but the longer you look back the longer your going to be moping around!! An that's not good for you! Go workout an build that confidence up meeting people!

Luk3y and Dave1986 Where are you guys. Down Under? What time is it there. I wake up grab a cup of coffee and check out this site a lot. I live in UTAH USA mate.

Would've could've should've... there are like a rocking chair it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere. You can drown yourself in 've's and ifs. Why? Its an exercise in futility. If your relationship was supposed to work out it would have however it did not. BUT look at what you learned. You learned that is important to be a full person outside of your relationship and not allow you life to go to the wayside once you date someone. Those are very important life lessons to pick up.

G'day mate haha... it's around 11pm right now.

Rocking chair... intersting point u make of that GLINDAOFOZ. Feels exactly like the situaution I am in no

Hay mate same story it wouldn't have natter what you did in the end she would have found a reasoon. I beat myself up for a lomg time then realised.. its best just to walk away if she really wanted you it would not matter. Problem is YES you were too available and maybe she would have stayed if you were less. But for how long only delaying the inevitable.

She was never staying and by manipulating or haing your own life this would have kept her but she would have adventually left, if she was true she would have stayed. Don't beat yourself up you just saved time in the end mate SHJE WAS ALAYS LEAVING!! She well may be back just give her space and time. Do not answer do not let her play you! That has been your problem all along and you are still making her your life by letting her do this! Start now!! Champ take control get her out of your life completely and in a few months she might be ready to be a bit more serious...

I think that its pretty cool that here we are having a chat across the world right now. Im at the beginning of my day and your at the end of yours. Oh' & I'll make sure and have a Fosters 4 you tonight. It is Friday and all...

Well it's Sunday down here today, the ex contacted me last Monday and I haven't heard from her since, she called me from her work while on her break to let me know she was quiting. That whole weekend before the Monday she was also making contact with me. I played it cool and tried keeping it short, I managed to be nice on the phone and kept it friendly everything was fine it was good to talk to her acctually. She was home that whole weekend (usually she is at her boyfriends). I asked why she was home and she gave an excuse for it which I knew was not true. I found out yesterday she was fighting with her boyfriend so that would explain why she was making the contact with me and why she was at home that weekend. So guys what is your take on it, am I just her safety net? Or do you guys think she may be realising the mistake she has made?

Even if she is realising the mistake you are the safety net! You are becoming her girlfriend who she calls when she has a fight with him. He probl;y runs the show and tells her how it is! If she wanted you mate she would be with you. I would cut all contact why are you there for her she clkearly does not want you and if she does will let you know

Thanks mckenzie... its just so hard 2 see this stuff due to the situation I'm in... all these circles in my head its bulls*** how she can be like that about the whole thing. If I was her boyfriend I would be pisse** off about her making contact with me. Life aint' easy when it comes to situations like this, but I guess it's another test that I have to rise through, learn from, and get stronger through experience from. Just not easy at all at the moment.

Yeah I agree with McKenzie, You need to move on mate... I know its hard but why wait around for this one girl!! You will find love again mate, when you meet someone else when your least expecting it! Dopnt rush things just take some time out like I'm doing an just enjoy yourself, let her deal with her own problems an if she decides she wants you back then wait for her to write it out in a text, email or whatever... an make her work for it, because she did just drop you like that so don't give in so easy! My advice would be to move on though, because chances are it won't work second time round, would you really want to go through all this again if she drops you for someone else second time round??

Well Dave to be honest brother... it's been more than once :( (its in the link above take a look most of our relationship is in there)
Iv'e just been the fool to stick on to false hope and take her back.
That's what keeps me there... the FALSE hope of this time I should be more like this... or have more of my own life and not base it around her.

She sobviously not ready yet that's all to early

Not ready to be in a serious relationship you mean?

Yr

Today I have been a mess... but I'm trying 2 get on my own 2 feet as much as possible. My head is still in limbo over a few things and yes I am trying 2 stop thinking about it all.
I found out from someone just the other day that she has moved into her bf's house (he lives with family) and it's only been 3 or 4 months of them together. This has left me even more confused.

Let her do her thing. NO CONTACT means no contact even if it is inderect. By you finding this stuff out you are just hurting yourself more..

Im trying my best buddy. She is still trying to contact me a lot also. I know for a fact when she is not with her boyfriend she tries it. She is hiding me from him looks like she has not changed a bit with her games.

The emotional turmoil you're going through is so tough but it's only natural when you've been through that heartache. It sounds as though you're both going through a lot of ups and downs and really it's only when you're both feeling more 'peaceful' (does that sound weird?) with yourselves that you'll be able to come back together (or move on separeately) in a positive way. It's so so tough, and everyone has regrets after a breakup, but don't beat yourself up, hindsight is a wonderful thing. If contact with her isn't helping you feel at ease, then don't initiate it. Take it a day at a time and let yourself heal.

I understand hpallister thanks for the reply.
When I do talk to her it as though all is fine, like normal when we were together.
I'm not sure what this means maybe we are meant to be friends, time will tell.
In a sense I do want her back only to correct where I know I went wrong... such
As being 2 much of a wuss in the relationship which took away the "challenge" for
Her, as I strongly believe that contributed to the break up. But to get her to come
Back is a matter of how. Total NC? Casual chat? I'm confused. Errrr my heads a mess

Total NC? YEEES, Why are you talking to her.

Because I believe there was something still left in it for us.
At the moment I let her do the calling... and if she calls most of the time I don't answer right away, or usually I leave it and return it a day latar or so.
I'm trying to bring her interest back in, as me being a wuss is what
Made her lose the interest, well that is what I feel anway.

The best advice I can give you is to move on work on yourself and above all else forget about her. Let your friends know that you do not want to discuss anything relating to her, this will help in the "she's doing this and that" talk. Find things that occupy your time... it will help you stop thinking about her. Look back before meeting her, what did you like to do? Start doing that again. What did you have a passion for? Start that again etc... Believe me I am going on 1.5 months now of a "break" from my fiancé... it is hard. Just remember this NO ONE and believe me on this, NO ONE has died from a broken heart. You have to look at yourself as being HER loss and not yours. You did absolutely nothing wrong, you are simply guilty of loving someone too much... that in itself is not so bad... just remember a relationship is about two completely different people joining together constantly learning about each other that compliment each other. Once you make that significant other "your world" you have lost everything about you that made her interested in you in the first place. You essentially become "that" person... who wants that? The other is give up on the false hope... no one wants to wait around for a "maybe" your better than that. Everyone of us is, that goes through this is better than that... all it takes is for you to realize that and do something about it. The women to men ratio out there is something like 2 to 1 and depending where you are it maybe even higher, so pick yourself up and get out there and start mingling. Time waits for no one!!

Reality check: Nah sorry that's utter stupidity, your holding onto false hope. Get healthy first and then see if you care.

If you had acted differently you would not have been yourself and that would have been even more of a turn-off. She likes ya man....But that is all she can do right now.
And be thankful!!

She just is young and doing what young girls do. She did you a favor.
If she was the last girlfriend of your life, ever, don't you think you would have some regrets??

Maybe you all will meet again. Just not now. Don't stress. There is nothing you could have done differently unless you have a time machine.

THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN... I know that is small comfort. But this break up is how life makes us better. Dude, I GUARANTEE you will date someone else you like just as much and you will look back and laugh. There is NOTHING that you could have done. Relationships at your age do not last forever because they're not supposed to... It's what makes us loyal and loving later...

Now, the important thing today is: The end is the only beginning.
It is a fact of all people starting over.
Until you see it, believe it, accept it's over you cannot move on. You play it over in your head. And here's a cool secret you may appreciate: as soon as you move on - really move on - you know - like wet dreams for another girl and lots of late night texting... your EX is going to suddenly wonder what you are up to. And that is why love and the universe are such crazy but sometimes predictable things...

3 solutions:

1) NC and time.
Continue on the path you are on now.
I know you are confused, but consider this... EVERYONE circles back once. EVERYONE. The thing is she CIRCLED BACK already. So you got your answer. You spoke and she did not say you two are destined to be back. You seem to be getting some power back with her. If you don't date, it's OK not to respond to her!

2) Ask her out.
Take a bold move and if you get shot down, you will get to start on the road to recovery once and for all.

3) Begin random communication with her to make yourself feel better.
This is the most dangerous and least likely to work - for you or her.
But it's your call.

As Jiser has said NO CONTACT, is the way to go so you can get over that false hope. Gee wiz guy she has moved on with someone else!! What more do you need to know. Get healthy and you will see your own mistakes and correct them and you won't be confused by her contacting you, behind his back. What a game player she is.

You guys are right, I keep trying to see the good in her by looking for hope or clinging on to false hope. Maybe I'm just used 2 taking her back all the time that's why its hitting me so hard right now. I just can't believe that she could turn around so fast like that and switch off without even trying for US because she sees greener grass over the fence. Isn't that dangerous? Especially moving in so quickly to his house? It's like she's using him as a rebound to replace me.

Yes mate she is using him as a rebound. Moving in so quickly this girl is very immature and does not know what she wants. Not someone you want to spend your life with... Noit at all... Too many dramas Not marriage materisal... You will thank her one day for letting you go. Any girl who moves straight in with another NON GOOD I know this I had a girl do it four years ago and she still reminds me worst decision iof her life. You cannot no someone that quick and anyone like that will be a headcase for a long time to come and will be very difficult to handle in the future...

I know a million girls including myself that would kill to meet a guy that made them and there relationship one of the top prioritys in there life, I doubt very much that this is why things didn't work out between you two... I would cut contact though.

Hi LUK3Y
It seems to me you are still holding on to False hope here , she clearly does not deserve you and is out there fooling around with another guy. You are still very young and will probably have many more girls before you finally find THE ONE. That's all part of growing into adulthood and we have all been there. NC as everyone keeps telling you please! Let me just pose this question though , IF she came back tomorrow WOULD YOU TRUST HER??

That's one thing I have thought hard about friend4u178.
It may be hard for me now, but it would be even harder if I were to take her back. My mind would be working ten times more than what it is now. I just have to be cautious though as in the future I sense that she will come running back, that's were I will have to be the STRONGEST.

If things don't work out with this new guy, she will come running back. I also think this new guy has been in the picture longer than you think, she just never said anything to you about him. The good news is, as you get healthy you will get stronger, and smarter.

Ur absoloutley right Talaniman. As for him being in the picture I had an idea she was talking 2 sumone else about a week or 2 max before our official "break-up", I could tell something was up also as she was going cold on me out of nowhere, it's funny as a week before it all or 2 we were like normal.

Acceptance will set you free. Let go of the false hope, the confusion and the questions, as they are irrelevant, and prevent you from moving ahead, and healing ,and finding happiness without her in your life. The sooner you get a life the better. Why suffer for the selfish actions of another?