For the last 3 years, I've been going out with a wonderful girl. We clicked the first night we met, and we very quickly got into a passionate relationship. She was my first longterm relationship, and the first girl I truly loved. I wasn't her first longterm (she had a 2-year one in high school), but she gave me the impression that I was the first guy to really respect her. For most of the 3 years we spent together, almost everything was perfect. We fought very rarely, and always about stupid things, nothing serious.

Since the beginning of 2007, however, things had gotten rocky. We were both under a lot of stress because of our college programs. I had a really bad roommate who was constantly in the room, so I never had personal privacy, and we as a couple didn't get a lot of privacy. My course load was also extremely heavy. There would be days where I had 6 hours of class, and 8 hours of homework. On such days, I would obviously not see her a lot - she'd want to be around when I did homework at times, but I'd frequently say it wasn't a good idea because I was in a really foul mood. Listening to metal, swearing up a storm, ripping papers up, etc. - 8 hours of theoretical calculus can do that to a person. I explained it to her, and said it was just because I didn't want to get upset around her, but I guess she still took it as me pushing her away. I also snapped at her a few times - like she'd ask me to do the dishes and I'd say "I have 8 hours of goddamn homework, give me a break." I felt bad for snapping at her, and I knew she wasn't trying to be insensitive to my stress (I normally always did the dishes), and I figured she understood that I was just stressed from my schoolwork. I'd apologize and say that things would be better when the semester was over. And I spent every minute I wasn't doing homework with her - the thing I hated about the homework the most was that it kept me from her, so I used every bit of free time to be with her.

Well apparently she didn't take it as I thought she would. A week before the end of the semester, she tells me she's unhappy. She says my stress really hurt her. I say that I'm so sorry and thought we were just both stressed, and that things would be OK - but now that I know how upset she is, I'll do everything in my power to fix it. She was going away for a 2 month job in another state at the end of the semester, so I used the last week to do everything I could for her to show her I was serious about fixing things.

Well she goes away to the job, and quickly thereafter she tells me that she needs time and space to think things over, and we should go on a break. I'm hurt by this, but I say I'll do my best to respect her wishes. We plan on meeting up in a month (on one of the rare off-days that her job allows) and talk stuff over and work it out. She cancels on me two days before our meeting because she wants to go to some theme park with her fellow employees. The next weekend, she calls and breaks up with me. She says she can't commit to the relationship, and it's not fair to me to stay in the relationship when she's like that. I'm devastated.

I wait 2 weeks, then I send her a long letter. I talk about how much I care for her, how nothing else in the world matters when I'm with her, how I appreciate every moment we spent together and how I want to share so many things in the future with her. I'm fixing all the things she said she was upset about, etc. etc. etc. The crazy semester has been over for a bit now, I've de-stressed, and I have the time to fix anything that is wrong.

No response for a few weeks. On the day she finishes her job and is heading home, she calls me. She said she got my letter, and she wants to try again. I say OK.

So for the last week, we've been seeing each other again. Except it's like we're just friends, and I just so happen to be a guy and just so happen to pay for all our expenses and run all her errands. Every time I attempt to be romantic or intimate, she clearly doesn't have the same interest and keeps finding innocent ways to let me down. "I'm tired." "I don't want to get too serious yet, let's just take it slow." I'm fine with waiting on things, but the thing that really troubles me is the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice. It's like she's guilty. I finally ask her what is going on. I say "You said you wanted to try the relationship again. If we keep doing what we're doing, we're just going to be friends." She says she cares deeply for me, but doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. But she says she wants things to work.

I think for a bit, then say "If you really want things to work, you need to take a leap of faith and just start trying again. This isn't something you can be pragmatic about. Either you're serious about wanting things to work and we try being a couple again, or you just want to be friends in which case I need some time to just look out for myself and heal before we can try that." She says that that is fair, and she cares deeply for me and doesn't want to lose me, so we'll keep trying.

It's been a few days since then, but there's really been no change. If I reach for her hand in public, she starts fiddling with her purse or something. In private, we kiss passionately and it feels like she's really into kissing me like I am into kissing her, but she pushes my hands away if I go to reach for her to start making out or something. I laugh it off, but I feel hurt. We were more intimate with each other just days after meeting - we've been lovers for 3 years now, and I can barely touch her without feeling guilty. In the meantime, I'm paying for dinner and movies and fixing her computer and bringing her coffee when she has a long shift at work, etc. I feel like a chump. But I keep hoping things are going to get better - I keep saying "it's just been a week, give it time."

Am I a fool in love, or just a fool?

Bevilaq, you are no fool. Your priority right now is to get that diploma so you can make a good life. You sound like a well grounded young man. That said, it seems you really don 't have the time right now for a deep relationship. She needs to give you your space to do your work. It is immature of her to be resentful because you are busy. It might be different if you were ignoring her for video games or hanging with the guys.
If she is not committed to a romantic relationship within the parameters of your circumstances, move on.

Sounds like she's waiting for something better to come along and keeping / leading you on in the mean time. I would tell her It's all of me or none of me. But I think personal she is using you. I think my ex fiancé new she was going to break up with me months before she did but still used me rite up to end. Don't fall for her games.

Bevilaq, you are no fool. Your priority right now is to get that diploma so you can make a good life. You sound like a well grounded young man. That said, it seems you really don 't have the time right now for a deep relationship. She needs to give you your space to do your work. It is immature of her to be resentful because you are busy. It might be different if you were ignoring her for video games or hanging with the guys.
If she is not commited to a romantic relationship within the parameters of your circumstances, move on.

Well the crazy semester is over now, and I live in a better apartment where I have my own bedroom, so I'm a much happier person. I've also started eating better and going to the gym regularly so I feel like I have so much more energy. I really have the time to make things work, and I want to make things work, and I've let her know that.

There's no doubt in my mind that I want her back, and that I think things could work. But I don't know if I should be doing 'no contact' right now. If I'm hanging out with her and doing things for her, I'm just helping her get over things, and she could drop me at any time. She says she wants to try the relationship again, and I want to believe her so badly, but there are a lot of signs that point to her just stringing me along. I don't know how long to wait.

Hi there. You seem like a well rounded guy indeed. I understand what you are saying and feeling. You're in a tricky place, for sure with her. It sounds to me that she is the one feeling awkward. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and she is trying to be NICE but I don't think she is really being authentic and honest about everything. The way you mention how she behaves is the give away here. She's obviously either weirded out by something or some way your being, or she's just really afraid to tell you honestly its over. But, you have to give her some credit she probably is trying to see if she has any love left for you too. She's got (Im sure) her own set of problems to deal with and is doing what's natural by questioning her judgments and ways in every area of her life.

If she's leaving you feeling weird or hurt or awkward or whatever way then its your turn to tell her that. Maybe give it a little more time but I have a feeling this relationship is fizzling out. I could be totally wrong and I hope I am but she sounds confused and uncertain. As if she already made up her mind with what she is going to do.

But put a positive twist on it, she is still speaking with you and this could just be a bump in the road.

Try to get for her that maybe she feels dejected and not as important because of your schooling. But she has to understand your desires and goals and if not, dude, let this die. Someone else will come along.

You are not a fool. You're in love. Sometimes you just have to let go to find out what you need to know. Let her go and don't have any contact. If she loves you, she will be pursuing you. But whatever happens you will be happy in the end. Hope it works out.

She was having more computer trouble last night, so I went over to fix it. She talks to me just like old times - same kind of jokes, some mannerisms, etc. Except there's no talk about us anymore, nothing romantic or sexual. We just hang out.

She keeps inviting me on things. She wants to go to the movies this weekend, and she was asking me about going to Europe on spring break next year, and she asked if I'd accompany her to Arizona and Ohio in about a month or two when she goes there to visit graduate school programs. So in her head, we're clearly linked together for the immediate future. But I have no idea what kind of link it is anymore.

So I spend multiple hours fixing her computer, run out and buy a part at Best Buy that she needed, and then watch TV with her a bit. She never shows a hint of affection. I don't even get a goodnight kiss - just a quick hug as she pushes me out the door because she wants to get ready for classes tomorrow and go to sleep. I used to either spend the night, or wait to leave until she was actually in bed. I really feel emasculated and used.

Danger Will Robinson!!!

You are in the "Friend Zone" - Abort!

Just say something supportive if you wish, and reference a great time only the two of you shared or know about or care about -
Then tell her goodbye and GO.

Rest assured, she will think of you. But you are going to kill yourself.
She will contact you eventually if you cut this cold.
You can deal with it later on your terms.

NC time... So, in 4-6 months you will be a new man - and don't be surprised if someone else steps into the void and grabs your affection if you follow this path: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

Good luck and no more trips to Best Buy if you don't like just being friends!
Women want to be a part of something bigger than a routine and your errand routine doesn't help...

You have had a greater romance than many at your age.
Be thankful.

Cheers!

Hmmmm, lil' devil in me wonders if she would fall for a jealousy angle, would she want to hear about a "cute girl " flirting with you?

Stop being her 'friend for all seasons'!

Not even wanting you to hold her hand in public but still maintaining that she wants to try and work on the relationship is a bunch of crapola.

The only time I did not want someone holding my hand was when I was certain that someone else I was interested in might see. Get the picture?

She might be leveling with you about how much she cares, but she is not being fair to you at all. She is being selfish and does not care that she hurts you by denying you the intimacy you miss.
She reveals more selfishness by proposing all those trips - expecting you to just provide the free ride and tolerates your presence in the package.. Come on.. I'm sure that you did not just recently fall off a turnip truck.

You did not give her the chance yet to miss your presence, your humour, your money, your availability.. do so now.

NO CONTACT... until she starts missing all of the wonderful things you had together. That way she will have to face up to the fact that you will be there (all included - not emasculated) or you will not be there at all.

We can ponder and hope till the cows come home, but unless we get clear answers to the questions in our life, we wind up in a 'waiting zone' and that is not a fun place to be for anyone. You deserve the opportunity to be happy with her or without - as long as you know where you stand and can plan your life accordingly. She owes you that much respect.

Now... go forward.. be as strong as possible. She might grow up and meet you in another chapter of life.

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When she doesn't want you, you don't need her either! (maybe you still want her)

So there is no need of NC here, but just act cold to show her that she need to treat you with respect. If you feel used, then it is that you are being used! Do you want to be used? If yes, keep doing what you are doing. IF no, then its time to change, say "well, im busy, you should ask someone else for help, bye!". You don't need to act like a "nice guy" all the time. YOu need to show your personalities and self-respect.

I think you should call her, and say "hey, i need to tell u something: recently i've been looking thing all over again, and i feel very uncomfortable with the position i am in. I see that what u said is not what you are doing to me. I feel like i am used, maybe, maybe you dont mean to use me. But the way u act makes me feel like i am used. So you dont act like that because its quite enough for me. I need more from you than just this. So if you are not going to give me more then, i finally leave."

Don't say it emotionally, make it straight, cold, like "enough is enough".

Goodluck

Stop being her 'friend for all seasons'!

Not even wanting you to hold her hand in public but still maintaining that she wants to try and work on the relationship is a bunch of crapola.

The only time I did not want someone holding my hand was when I was certain that someone else I was interested in might see. Get the picture?

She might be leveling with you about how much she cares, but she is not being fair to you at all. She is being selfish and does not care that she hurts you by denying you the intimacy you miss.
She reveals more selfishness by proposing all those trips - expecting you to just provide the free ride and tolerates your presence in the package.. Come on.. I'm sure that you did not just recently fall off of a turnip truck.

You did not give her the chance yet to miss your presence, your humour, your money, your availability.. do so now.

NO CONTACT... until she starts missing all of the wonderful things you had together. That way she will have to face up to the fact that you will be there (all included - not emasculated) or you will not be there at all.

We can ponder and hope till the cows come home, but unless we get clear answers to the questions in our life, we wind up in a 'waiting zone' and that is not a fun place to be for anyone. You deserve the opportunity to be happy with her or without - as long as you know where you stand and can plan your life accordingly. She owes you that much respect.

Now... go forward..be as strong as possible. She might grow up and meet you in another chapter of life.

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You're right. I deserve better than this. I'm going to start 'no contact' after the next time I see her and tell her that I can't let myself get hurt like this every day.

Dude, I think that is a mistake...

"After the next time you see her...."
Is just taking away any chance for mental security.

I'd walk NOW. Just email/call/be nice/seize the initiative.
Be nice/be quick/be honest... then hunker down. And go.

Sorry. If it is to be - you will know... one day later --

And report back here...

Dude, I think that is a mistake....

"After the next time you see her...."
is just taking away any chance for mental security.

I'd walk NOW. Just email/call/be nice/seize the initiative.
be nice/be quick/be honest....then hunker down. and go.

Sorry. If it is to be - you will know...one day later --

and report back here....

Well I mean I want to do it in person.

I think uou have suffered enough..but hey -

At least be right to the point.

This is a chance to take charge.

And do not waver... She has forced your hand. Now play it. Leave on as up beat a note as you can.
FUN and Independent... That's you as you leave... let her chew on that...

If she loves you, she will respect that.

Wow I don't think I know what's worse. My ex left me 6 weeks ago. It was out of the blue and a shock I was and still am devastated. But I almost think this would be worse feeling like she's got you dangleing on a string. Ok maybe its not worse but I think it would be harder to hang out with him knowing he didn't even want to touch me intimately. I'll maybe never know how or why he left me but at least at this point I know where I stand.

So I was all prepared to stand up for myself tonight when she invited me over. She offered to make me dinner, and I accepted. We were just watching TV again and I was thinking about how to start the talk, when suddenly we were making out. We ended up hooking up.

Afterwards was a little awkward. She said she didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I asked if she had wanted to, and she said she did - she was very attracted to me and wanted me. I said "Ok, I wanted it to, so we'll just leave it at that for now." We started to talk more normally, and then the rest of the night was probably the least awkward time we have spent together since all the drama went down.

I still don't know where I stand, but things are looking better. If things stagnate again and I feel we're just going in circles, I will stand up for myself. But I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Good for you, if you can hold up to what you just said..

She might just have changed her mind overnight, but I'd still be careful. See how she responds to you in public, watch to see if she is layed-back or tense. Also be on the lookout for those signs of a 'routine' instead of spontanious way about her when she 'makes those moves'. Just as we girls notice when a man goes through the motions - there are ways for women to similate these needs as well.

So.. again, stay observant and keep in mind what you've recently been put through.

Good luck, and keep us updated, and enjoy having a great time!

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That was 100% foreseebale... in fact, I told another poster in your position what would happen... sex if he wanted.

As for what's changed? Nothing.

But that's relationships... without work, communication and honesty - and admitting when you are not compatible - they sputter on... you're only human... I imagine you'll be posting a note of confusion on here one day- but don't worry - everybody goes through it.

Or maybe some real communication took place and life can jump ahead.

Why don't you tell her how you feel? Express that you are trying all you can and you don't feel appreciated. Also emphasise on the fact that a man only take an amount of s**t before he changes his mind and when she still doesn't understand, better give her space.

Another way is to stop calling and stop seeing her, she might start missing you and she'll personally come back and apologise.

Tonight she said that she thought sleeping together was a mistake - she still didn't know what to think, and she worried she was going to hurt me further. She then said that none of her feelings for me had returned in the past week. I asked "So are we done?" and she just said "I guess."

She seemed conflicted. She said she loved me. I don't understand what is holding her back, and every bone in my body tells me to keep trying, but I know that nothing I say will make a difference. She has to work through it on her own, or not work through it at all.

I said "If you wake up one morning and realize you want to share your life with me again, you know how to reach me. I'd give anything for you to want to be with me again, but there's no use trying to change your mind if that's not how you feel. I want you to know that I will always love you. You were my first love, and I'll never forget the good times we shared."

She got all teary and came over and hugged me, really tight and really hard. I got my shoes on and headed for the door. She said something like "So we'll talk" (I couldn't really hear it, people in the hallway were being loud). I just said "Goodbye Libby" and turned around and walked out of her life.

I feel like absolute . But there's nothing more I can do. I want to die. I know I'll get over it eventually, but it hurts so much.

Sometimes the love dies. Sometimes you just grow apart. She did, you didn't and when you're growing apart, a part of you still wants to hang on to the familiar, maybe that is what she is doing.
I think you should just call the relationship over, and move on. Give her space. If you two are meant to be it will happen again. But you can't make someone love you if they don't. You just have to know when to say good bye.

Brutha, you ain't listening....

But that's ok - unrequited love is the most toxic thing there is.. in fact, you may as well be hooked on heroin -- you need to DETOX:

Look to this site, your family and friends and trust me: things will get better if you go to work now.
Please read this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

Brutha, you ain't listening....

But that's ok - unrequited love is the most toxic thing there is..in fact, you may as well be hooked on heroin -- you need to DETOX:

ASH your advice is priceless and if this brutha just took your advice yesterday about not contacting her he may have actually found himself in a different situation to the one he is in now.

Now mate you should not have slept with her, as Ash has pointed out to you, push her away and watch her come to you. Sleeping with you was just because it felt right she's been there before she= knows its good and safe. Girls love security and feel great with you. She may still love you as a person but girls want to feel it emotionally and she is not feeling that at the moment.

What should have been done is you say "What are you doing dont touch me theres none of that going on while we are not toghether im not like that" This will automatically increase your value as a person and shows what kind pof person you are like. She would love this!!

Don't worry though START NOW!! RIGHT NOW!! No more contact if she contacts you don't answer!!
i KNOW YOUR NOT LISTENING BUT PLEASE DO NOT ANSWER MAIL OR ANYTHING OR YOU ARE OUT!! STAY STRONG AND YOU CAN WIN BACK...

DO IT Don't ANSWER TAKE THIS ADVICE IF YOU Don't GET HER BACK THIS WAY THE OTHER WAY WILL NEVER WORKK JUST GIVES YOU FVALSE HOPE... TILL SHE FINDS ANOTHER AND THEN YOU FEEL WORSE. EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO COME BACK PLAY IT COOL. Don't ANSWER JUST START NOW

THIS MAY BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND BUT WILL GIVE HER A CHANCE TO CREATE A VOID IF YOU Don't AND YOU FALL FOR HER SAYING CAN YOU COME OVER. TELL HER YOUR BUSY THE MORE YOU PUSH THE MORE SHE WILL WANT YOU... HOPE YOU CAN FOLLOW THIS ADVICE ITS VERY HARD TO DO BUT IS RIGHT.

OK, you've been there, done that and it hurts.

I'm starting a new saying: After REJECTION comes PROTECTION!

Start now by protecting yourself from her and her games. STOP thinking that she even gives a damn when you say you'll always love her and will the there for her, blah, blah, blah. We women have heard all of this and if we don't feel that certain something anymore, this leaves us cold. Yes, cold. She knows that there is a healing process and then life goes on.. Just as we all know it.

So start protecting yourself by getting rid of pieces of her around your place, pictures, notes, emails, etc. Then start being active with yourself and don't for one minute stay home and sulk.

We all had our 'first love' and I hope I am not going through my 'last love' because I'm single and still alive! My BF knows that as long as I am with him there is no body else in my life, but he also knows I am human and I could very well fall out of love with him.. I guess that is what makes him work on it a little harder.

But we all realize that when something is dead in a relationship, on either part, it is not retrievable.. We have to accept this and go on with our lives.

Yes, you will remember your first love probably for the remainder of your life, but when you later think of it, it will be just that.. a memory and will no longer hurt you.

Now we just have to get you through this.. and we will stay with you as long as you want. We all know it hurts like hell and makes for a lousy time, but we all have been there and will help you.

Here's hoping we can help make this a little easier for you to cope with.

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It's just so tough. I've lost my love, my best friend, and my sex life all at the same time. It feels like she's taken everything.

She kept IMing me last night. She first asked if I was mad. I just said "No, I accept your decision." She rambled some more about there always being hope, but I didn't respond to any of it.

A bit later, she said "I feel bad for asking, but do you have any Tylenol?" It seemed like she was desperate for attention, she could have easily gone and purchased some. I couldn't ignore her, and I said that yes I did have Tylenol. She said she'd meet me.

When I went outside, she was there, in a different (nicer) outfit than before. I handed her the Tylenol. She asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I said no. Then I asked if she did - and she said "not yet." I just said "Ok. I hope your headache clears up, goodnight" and turned around and went back upstairs. She later IMed me saying "I'm sitting here wracking my brain, trying to reassure myself that I made the right decision."

Ugh. If this is genuine, what is her problem - why can't she just be with me? If this is just for attention, she is cold-hearted. I'm not going to lower myself and beg to get back with her though.

If you approach her now she will think you are a wuss. And we all know how women feel about a man when he acts like that.

I know telling you that it's time for you to keep busy and not think about her much is not going to set well and sound like a broken record, but this is what you should be thinking of doing. Make plans and stick to them, no matter what. Set certain times for yourself for outside activities, hobbies, and sports, etc. And no matter if and when she contacts you, avoid her for as long as you possibly can. These episodes will hurt less once you live through the first few months. You ask 'months? ', Yup, months!! Remember, this is your first love, and first love breakups generally hurt and last the longest, so prepared to protect yourself.

Ignore her IM and phone calls, let her get her own damned tylenol or whatever. Let her take her confused self somewhere else for comfort. She is acting like this only because she wants to get rid of the guilt she feels. That's not being compassionate, it's being selfish. If she cared she'd leave you the heck alone so that you can heal. If she tells you she has to find herself, tell her to get a map. Now, go replace the tylenol you gave her because you too will have headaches and she does not care if you need them for yourself.

Get angry, let us know how angry and about what, or keep a journal for yourself.. but at least let it all out.

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You know when yo stop trying mate the minute she says I need a break that's when you stop trying! You show her the door tell her you love her and wish her the best of luck! When she contacts you don't answer she told you what she wanted and that was to treat you like a second rate person! Once she wants out reafirm her decision! are you a man!

YOU are not listening!! Why are you still talking to HER!!

STOP STOP STOP!! She doesn't want you at the moment!! Why are you giving her Tyrenol!! Your not her boyfriend Don't act like oit! Your turning into her bloody DOG??

She says she isn't sure if she made the right decision!! Who cares she made the decision now FIRE up don't be there for her! You obviously want her back!! So ont be there!!

Don't answer let her think you are moving obn and the best way to do this is go silent!
Don't tell her your moving on just say nothing

TALKING on I'm why are you doing that! You should not even be on there you should be out living life finding her repacement!!

Are you the BEST or a loser, the best gets out there and shows he can have another girl! That's what girls LOVE!!

Don't sit around and even if yo are don't let her know this!!

Silent!!

Almost EVERY woman does this once...in a relationship, in reality or in her mind. So, don't take all this so personally.

Men do too - but for different reasons...
If you want her to come back... make her regret her decision. It's not mean... it's LIFE. We are biologically wired to maximize our brood stock. She is subconsciously making sure her future offspring are being made by someone who is stronger and more desirable than she is... So, her progeny will be too... Follow? Anyway - accept that. You are proving your worth now. You are not being mean, if you simply ask for a little space. You don't have to say F-u... Just, "sorry, I'm a little busy...."

Running her errands and paying her expenses is not good. Being a provider is a strong thing for a man, but being a valet is not.
Consider this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/matchmaker-alert-nice-guys-do-not-always-finish-last-but-nice-nice-guys-do-118640.html

Hang in there. I know this suxxxxxxxxxxxx

Almost EVERY woman does this once...in a relationship, in reality or in her mind. So, don't take all this so personally.

Men do too - but for different reasons...
If you want her to come back...make her regret her decision. It's not mean....it's LIFE. We are biologically wired to maximize our brood stock. she is subconsciously making sure her future offspring are being made by someone who is stronger and more desirable than she is....So, accept that. You are proving your worth now. You are not being mean, if you simply ask for a little space. You don't have to say F-u...Just, "sorry, I'm a little busy...."

Hang in there. I know this suxxxxxx

If she calls, should I just let it ring? I was planning on taking her calls and responding if she contacts me, but being cold and uninterested if she is just playing more games.

Is there anything specific I should do? I have to be on AIM at work since that's what we use to communicate inter-office, but I plan on just having a default away message up constantly when I'm out of work. I'm going to go about my business, go to the gym, listen to loud music, and maybe try to find some of my friends to hang out with. Is that all I should be doing?

I'm still holding onto hope, and I hate it. I keep thinking that she'll realize what her life is like without me and come running back. I want that to happen so badly. But I know that thinking that isn't helping me to move on.

I feel like I've lost everything. My 1st love, my best friend, and my sex life - all gone. And of course my happiness, self-esteem, and lust for life went right out with them. I shared EVERYTHING with this girl, and now it feels like there's nothing left.

This all slowly gets better in time. My ex fiancé broke up with me 7 months ago. Although it still hurts it's not as bad as in the beginning.

You can read the other posts again, just in case you forgot what I said before.

Since the weekend is coming up, see your friends, make set plans to do something and follow through. Try not to drink alcohol this weekend because it will only pull you down and you'll probably do something you will regret later.

DO NOT have any contact with her at all. NONE, NADA!

So what if you don't have steady sex for a while, there are a lot of us that don't and we feel just fine. Do sports, go swimming, dancing, etc. It's not like it's going to last forever. Believe us, we know what we are talking about. Nothing last forever!

Have you thought about that journal? Go to the park and take your journal with you. You'll be surprised how that ink will flow under a blue sky and rustling of leaves.

While you are doing that, I'll be sending you good vibes.

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If she calls, should I just let it ring? I was planning on taking her calls and responding if she contacts me, but being cold and uninterested if she is just playing more games.

Is there anything specific I should do? I have to be on AIM at work since that's what we use to communicate inter-office, but I plan on just having a default away message up constantly when I'm out of work. I'm going to go about my business, go to the gym, listen to loud music, and maybe try to find some of my friends to hang out with. Is that all I should be doing?

AIM?!!

Geez. No AIM. No texts... no nada... no smoke signals... no shadow puppets... no oragami of her pristine body, no letters with perfume, no flowers, no singing telegrams, no calls, no sky-writing, no stalking outside her window with a periscope, no "chance" run-ins with her best friend after your big workout, no mp3 downloads in a tribute to her...
Your work is DONE.

The second you make her work, is the second you give yourself a chance to improve in her eyes... and in your own... NOTHING is SOMETHING...

This is not a "grenade" situation... (.and if you don't know what I'm talking about - look it up on my "questions") this is a DO NOTHING situation... so try it for 3 months and stay in contact here to survive... and if you go silent and wish to evaluate her INNEVITABLE correspondences - post them here.

This all slowly gets better in time. My ex fiance broke up with me 7 months ago. although it still hurts it's not as bad as in the beginning.

This guy has been through the emotional ringer!

Listen to him. He started at rock bottom... (SAB please tell me you are done with her, right?)

AIM?!!

Geez. No AIM. No texts....no nada.....no smoke signals....no shadow puppets...no oragami of her pristine body, no letters with perfume, no flowers, no singing telegrams, no calls, no sky-writing, no stalking outside her window with a periscope, no "chance" run-ins with her best friend after your big workout, no mp3 downloads in a tribute to her....
Your work is DONE.

The second you make her work, is the second you give yourself a chance to improve in her eyes....and in your own.....NOTHING is SOMETHING.....

This is not a "grenade" situation....(.and if you don't know what i'm talking about - look it up on my "questions") this is a DO NOTHING situation....so try it for 3 months and stay in contact here to survive...and if you go silent and wish to evaluate her INNEVITABLE correspondences - post them here.

I'm not going to contact her in any way. I bought a journal and I'll just write in that whenever I feel the urge to contact her.

I just mean - what if she contacts me? Do I just ignore it over and over again?

I'm not going to contact her in any way. I bought a journal and I'll just write in that whenever I feel the urge to contact her.

I just mean - what if she contacts me? Do I just ignore it over and over again?
Yes dear, ignore it. Change your number if necessary. There is no need to put yourself through more anguish.

Hang in there dear, we'll stay with you. There is usually always someone online since we live in different countries.

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If she contacts you, tell her that right now you are focusing on you, and when youfeel the time is right, you all can talk again... no drama.
So, you are setting a measure of control and gaining that.

I know it hurts!

We'll get you through this.

If she's the one you have NOTHING to worry about.

Hahaha christ, the insanity never ends.

She called me the moment I got out of work on Friday. I let my voicemail pick it up, figuring I'd just listen to the message to see what she wanted. The message just says "I don't want to say anything important in a voicemail, so give me a call." Sometimes life is funny like that...

I ignore it for an hour, but then she calls me again and I pick it up that time. She wants to talk, says it is important. I meet her, and she tells me that her feelings for me came back the night I left. She knows she loves me. I say "I can't keep going up and down, how am I supposed to trust that this is real this time?" She says we can wait a few weeks and make sure she still feels like that.

Ridiculous. If that wasn't complicated enough, I'm starting to realize that she had some kind of fling while at that job. I thought it was nothing serious, they were just good friends or something - this guy has a girlfriend, and he lives in a different country and has already returned home. But I'm picking up more and more signs that something was going on. And I think she's still in touch with him. They had an emotional affair at the very least, and while I want to doubt that it was worse than that, I honestly know that it was probably a full-blown thing. Sure, we were broken up at that point, but that doesn't make it OK if she wanted to work things out with me.

I can't believe how many times I've been hurt by this girl in a 2-month period. The confusion, the ups and downs, the lies, the betrayal. It's absolutely mind-boggling. You think you know someone, you think a 3-year relationship meant something, and then I find she's able to do all these horrible things to me, over and over again, all the while saying she loves me. I need to get away from this girl. No matter how much I love her, she's clearly not what I thought she was, and I need to make myself stop loving her.

It sounds to me like you are working on it quite well.

You don't take what she says or does at 'face value' anymore and that is a step toward ridding yourself of the ideal of 'miss perfect'. This is OK and healthy.

I just hope that you 'protected' yourself the last time you were intimate. Women, when switching from one guy to another, sometimes wait a few weeks between to reassure themselves that they did not have contact with something they will regret later, such as STD or even a possible pregnancy, if she did indeed have a fling.

Just stay with us and keep your cool as best you can. You'll get over this. It feels like you are really seeking to distance yourself.

Keep up the good work.

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All you have to do is follow the simple, but hard instructions that have been given to you here, and that is to cut all contact, and disappear from her life.

Ha, of course her mind changed again. Right now she's telling me she needs to work things out in her life - she says she loves me but needs to figure out why she's having trouble committing before we can try again. She says for me not to wait for her, because that just puts pressure on her to figure it out quickly.

I said "Don't worry, I'm not waiting." I'm not proud of how I know, but I KNOW she is lying to me. She'd rather be in a long distance relationship with that other jerk, and she's probably waiting to hear back from him. She's been lying to me when she says she wants to be with me and doesn't know why it's so hard.

Yet I'm still hung up on it. I keep hoping that one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. I'm not communicating with her at all, but I know that I'm not doing it for myself - I'm doing it to try to make her feel dumped so she'll figure out her feelings. I mean, at least I'm doing the right thing - but it's for all the wrong reason.

You are not in control here.
I'd nicely say you are busy and you'll try to catch when you have more time.
Then, think. And watch. Are things different? Are you OK risking this again?

If not, enjoy your position. NC worked for you. Don't squander it unless you think SHE wants to seriously commit. You are not a callous playboy, and you will get hurt if you go back and get tossed in 2 months.

You are not in control here.
I'd nicely say you are busy and you'll try to catch when you have more time.
Then, think. And watch. Are things different? Are you ok risking this again?

If not, enjoy your position. NC worked for you. Don't squander it unless you think SHE wants to seriously commit. You are not a callous playboy, and you wil get hurt if you go back and get tossed in 2 months.

She's not calling me. She might in the future, and I'll heed your advice then. But right now she thinks I think she's "figuring out her life." When in reality her first priority is the person she's known for 1 month, and I know it.

And yet I'm still hopeful. I'm such a moron.

Yet I'm still hung up on it. I keep hoping that one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. I'm not communicating with her at all, but I know that I'm not doing it for myself - I'm doing it to try to make her feel dumped so she'll figure out her feelings. I mean, at least I'm doing the right thing - but it's for all the wrong reason.

I agree, it is for the wrong reasons. But if you stay stubborn and protective of yourself, the easier it will get. You are going through these changes for a good reason - you DON'T TRUST her anymore...

Do you seriously think that even if she dumped the 'jerk' and came back to you that you'd trust her motives? If the answer is yes to this, then in fact you are what you call a 'moron' and a self-destructive one at that.

Come on dear, it's OK to hurt, OK to get angry.. But, there is a time to stop and start taking a good look at the opportunities open to you once you get yourself back together. Give life a chance.. give Yourself a little more respect and credit for survival.

Don't purposely set yourself up for a bigger fall.

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Hunker down.

Enjoy the control for now...

We swapped our stuff back. It had a real air of finality - I cried for 20 minutes straight when I got back to my place.

I don't feel mad at her. She never lied to me in the 3 years we dated - and I still feel like she truly cares about me. Maybe it's stupid to think this way, but I feel like the lies now are because she is confused and hurt that things are ending as well, but she just feels like it's the only way. I want to remember things in a good light at least, because they were the happiest 3 years of my life.

She says it's really important that we try to stay friends - we are best friends after all. I said I don't know if I can. I still hold hope that one day she'll wake up and realize that she really misses me. Until that hope is truly gone, I can't be friends with her.

Even after everything we've been through, I still would do anything for her. I have no doubt that I truly love this girl. I will do the right thing, for both myself and for her, by keeping my distance - but I don't think I will ever stop loving her.

I'll make it simple for you. 1. Stop paying for things and being extra nice (you're losing her more by doing those things-You're becoming a wuss). 2. Tell her it's over. Move on and don't call her for at least a couple of months. Show her that you will not allow her to walk all over you. If she does call, answer her calls sparingly and make them short. Be busy and continue with your school work. I dated a girl for 6 years and towards the end I started acting like you and she started acting like this girl of yours. Guess what? She was fooling around and had lost total interest. I'm not saying that your "girl" is fooling around, but sometimes people lose interest and you have to accept that. Since our break up I've dated a lot and have found ways to keep the flames in all my relationships and things have been great. The biggest lesson I've learned is that women love drama. Give her some and she might just be interested again. You became boring and predictable my fun and that, besides another fling on the side, could have caused this situation. Move on and be the bigger person because, here's the kicker, "they always come back."

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I don't feel mad at her. She never lied to me in the 3 years we dated - and I still feel like she truly cares about me.

STOP 'feeling' that she... etc, etc. YOU DON'T know how she feels, you just guess and hope.


Maybe it's stupid to think this way, but I feel like the lies now are because she is confused and hurt that things are ending as well, but she just feels like it's the only way.

Yes, it is stupid of you to think this way, because this will prevent you from closing this episode.
You are going through changes, she is going through changes... So it is time to close this episode, it is important for you to do so or you will not start working on strengthening yourself. If, and I mean IF you two ever get back together it will be a whole NEW EPISODE in life, and keeping a hold on the old will not help you start a new one.

It's like renovating a house. If you keep just one little item of the old tenants in it the old memories and emotions and distrust will always sneak up on you.

I want to remember things in a good light at least, because they were the happiest 3 years of my life.


The memories of this happiness will also rekindle the memory of your current situation and you'll have 'flashbacks' and doubts.


She says it's really important that we try to stay friends - we are best friends after all. I said I don't know if I can.

What would you rather have?. If she goes on with her life and wants you ONLY as a friend, then she is not being fair to you because she knows that this is difficult. It sounds to me as if she is not ready for 'closure' either - and why should she - she has you to run those errands, get those Tylenol, be Mr. Fixit,and someone to fall back on. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO YOU!!


I still hold hope that one day she'll wake up and realize that she really misses me. Until that hope is truly gone, I can't be friends with her.


Honey, she knows this is exactly how you feel and will continue to use you as a 'backup'. You are too damned gullible right now!



Even after everything we've been through, I still would do anything for her. I have no doubt that I truly love this girl. I will do the right thing, for both myself and for her, by keeping my distance - but I don't think I will ever stop loving her.

You should leave the 'we've been through' out and consciously state that "even after everything I've (meaning yourself) been through" And to do the "right thing" for YOURSELF by keeping your distance.

She is hopping and skipping through the woods to grandmother's house not worrying about the wolf because she knows you'll be there... GET REAL!
Keep your distance for as long as it takes to make her face that she needs to stand on her own two feet in this... That she too has to become a grown-up, independent individual when she enters into any relationship.

So.. you see, by staying 'available', you are not only hurting yourself, but you are preventing her from reaching maturity.. and you do want a mature partner, don't you?

It's your call, stop being a WUSS and stand up to her. Make her grow up and sit back and watch the progress while you are gaining your strength and a whole lot of self-respect back.

AGAIN, NOTHING will ever be the same.. so change yourself for the good of YOU.. and then enjoy the rewards.

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I've been trying to re-build some bridges with friends that I'd previously burned (because I was spending so much time with my ex before). One person I re-connected with is a girl that had had a huge fight with my ex about a year ago, and they haven't talked since.

Today I got a Facebook message from my ex saying "I know you're mad at me, but do you really need to hang out with *other girl's name*." I said that I'm not doing it to hurt her - but I also don't have to answer to her anymore.

I feel a little guilty, but also good at the same time. I suppose that's a start.

I've been trying to re-build some bridges with friends that I'd previously burned (because I was spending so much time with my ex before). One person I re-connected with is a girl that had had a huge fight with my ex about a year ago, and they haven't talked since.

Today I got a Facebook message from my ex saying "I know you're mad at me, but do you really need to hang out with *other girl's name*." I said that I'm not doing it to hurt her - but I also don't have to answer to her anymore.

I feel a little guilty, but also good at the same time. I suppose that's a start.

Cool... one step forward to independence. Keep up the good work.. and

Hey, who are we kidding here? So you re-connected with someone who she does not approve of - maybe you feel guilty because you knew it would bother her. But this is OK. It's part of your effort to somehow fight back. You'll get over it and so will she.

It is a good start in your attempt to 'stand up to her'. Just don't spend most of your time being rebellious. Take this time to work on YOU, and not her reactions.

Hang in there dear, we are still here and will get you through all of this.

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Step in the right direction. Keep it up.

You can socialize with whomever you want.

She wanted me to come see her fish that she just got, so I agreed to stop by (I intended this to be a very short visit, and I didn't intend to say anything beyond pleasantries).

So we're sitting there, watching the fish, and she starts to cry. She's been watching my AIM away messages and has seen that I've been out with different people all week, and she wants to hear all about it. She says she's so lonely. All I say is "Well this is what you chose." We end up sleeping together again, and I stayed the night afterwards. The next day she says she enjoys my company so much and she wants to continue hanging out once in awhile and being intimate. She says she doesn't want any pressure for a relationship though - my letter and me trying to get back together with her so much before made her feel like she was my whole world, and that scared her.

I can understand that. I don't want her to be my entire world - but I know I want her to be part of it. I could keep playing the 'friends with benefits' or whatever role as we try to figure out our lives (while doing things with friends and other people so we have our own lives as well) for awhile - but I know I'd eventually want things to start working towards being back to normal, and there are no guarantees that would ever happen.

Just know that even with intimacy you are still in the FRIEND ZONE... and that may be a good thing... I just hope you can handle that your need for a serious committed relationship is not what she wants... for a few years. Can you handle that?

Hang in. glove up... and don't turn down any dates!!

I have spent most of my life trying to do the right thing, and I can tell you that your course of action may be okay for now but, in the long run will slow you down. Things may be physically great for a time, but the emotional price you pay will show up later. You are right, there are no guarantees in life. All we can really do is the best we can. Are you doing the best you can?? Be honest.

Like you said, there are NO guarantees in life, you just have to keep on living. I fear that you are going to get more hurt the longer you drag this out. I think you and I both know it's time to let this one go. Yes it's true you have to work to keep a relationship going, but when it gets to a point where work is all you know, there's a problem. Right now, without being rude, it seems you are "convenient" for her. I don't think this is something you should further pursue. You need to move on with your life. Find someone who deserves the love and loyalty you are willing to give. Don't spend your whole life fighting a battle you may lose. If things happen later fine, but for now you need to both live your lives.

Yes it's true you have to work to keep a relationship going, but when it gets to a point where work is all you know, there's a problem,
If your not happy what's the point?

Be honest with yourself. Did you even think of starting a life on your own?
As long as you keep that obsession of your's alive, you will not be happy.

I see it, you waiting on the sidelines for her calls, some scraps, and some sex.. But how do you feel when she is off hopping and skipping through life totally enjoying it. The way she pictures her life is not the way you picture it, but something has to give if you want to ever be content and happy again.

Face it, if you enjoy her having her little world and satisfied with the little bits of attention she gives you... just don't expect much self-respect.

What would you say to another guy if he were in your shoes? Would you pat him on the back or would you call him a wuss? Stand 'outside' yourself and take a good hard look at reality. I think it's time for you to get downright angry at yourself for letting her play with you.

I wish that I were totally off the track here... but I've seen it too often to not throw in my serious words of caution. From a women, take my word for it.. you are going to stay the looser in this one, no matter what.

But, enough for now.. time will tell.

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