Entire story merged

This is a complicated one. I hope I have done the right thing, who knows!

I was with my ex for 8 months. It was a very serious situation, for both of us, right from the start.

The first 5ish months were great, seeing each other all the time, loads in common etc etc. In fact she did most of the chasing, suggesting we go away together, meet the parents etc

She had some previous problems in life. To her credit she told me about them very early on. She had a history of depression since a teenager. She is now 28, I am 32. She also had anorexia as a teenager but no problems with that since. She also suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome.

Everything was fine for months, then 5 months in we had a weird "argument" if you can call it that. We were lying in bed and she was quiet so I asked if she was OK. She had a massive go at me saying we needed to "review" our relationship, this came from nowhere. I asked why. She said we didn't have enough in common. That was ridiculous, we had everything in common, we like all of the same stuff. She then agreed with me but said she wasn't sure about us.

3 hours later she texted telling me to "ignore what she has said as she has been down lately". I did, she apologised the next time I saw her, we were back to normal.

She would then tell me she loved me etc etc

2 months later I was very worried about her. She had been ill a lot with the chronic fatigue and appeared very down. I thought she was depressed. She looked sad. I asked her if she was OK, she said she was totally fine but was thinking me and her wouldn't work. We had a very long chat, I had a bit of a go at her, saying I didn't want to be having these conversations, especially with everything I did for her, inc always being there to chat about her illness etc.

We both got upset, she then said she hated it when she was horrible to me and started crying. We had a hug. It was then very weird. She acted as if nothing had happened. She rang me that night and said sorry, she loved me, and wanted to give me the chance to end things as she thought that "she held me back". I said I didn't want that. We then had a chat saying that we should move in together somepoint soon.

Stuff was good again. We were chatting about the future. We went along well for 6 weeks. Things then went totally wrong. It was bizarre. We had been away and had a great weekend. That evening we were chatting about stuff we would be doing together in the summer.

She then said she thought we should break up. We had a chat, I said we needed to speak in a couple of days.

We met up. I went along wanting to raise the fact I thought she was depressed. We spoke about us. I said I thought she had been very down the last couple of months. I didn't expect the response I got. She said she had been very down and was depressed, she didn't know what to do, she was squeezing my hand crying her eyes out. I said she needed to go to her Dr's. She agreed and went the next day.

Her Dr said she was depressed, gave her meds and referred her for counselling. She was texting me saying how lucky she was to have me etc

But 10 days later she said there was nothing wrong with her, she didn't need counselling, it was us that was on her mind, she ended things!

I tried to sort stuff for 1 mth, she didn't want to get back together. We lost touch for 2 months, both dated other people briefly, neither worked.

We then got back in touch and agreed to meet. Although we put the "as friends" label on it, it clearly wasn't. We lapsed back into doing exactly the sort of stuff we did when together,cooking for each other etc. There was clearly still attraction there.

After 2 months of this meeting "as friends", I decided to let things develop and give her space, I raised us trying again. We had been sat around talking about all the good stuff we did together, our holiday, good times etc My ex said she didn't want to try again but, bizarrely, agreed we were very good together.

I said being friends wouldn't work, we would be putting a label on something that wasn't true.

I said we shouldn't be in touch unless she realised she had made a mistake. She said she didn't want to lose me but if that is what I wanted then so be it.

Any thoughts?

She wanted to stay in touch and keep seeing each other, I said that just wouldn't work, it would be weird.

I thought she was wanting to have her cake and eat it a little bit i.e. a bit of a surrogate boyfriend without the commitment.

In saying we shouldn't be in touch, she will have to deal with stuff without me, harsh I know, but I am not around, absence makes the heart grow fonder etc

Have I done the right thing saying we shouldn't be in touch? I miss her loads and still love her.

Do you think she will contact me?

I said we shouldn't be in touch unless she realised she had made a mistake
I think you were pushing for something she was not ready for, She was slowing down, and you wanted more. She made a mistake?? Not in her eyes. What was your big hurry for a better label about? What difference would it have made??

Yeh NC is a great idea. Lets the emotional dust settle.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Please keep in mind that this woman is having some pretty serious mental health issues and will not be able to be in a relationship into she accepts she has a problem and continues with her treatment.

I think you were pushing for something she was not ready for, She was slowing down, and you wanted more. She made a mistake???? Not in her eyes. What was your big hurry for a better label about?? What difference would it have made???


She wasn't slowing down at all she was trying to let him know lightly she doesn't want him but wouldn't mind draggng him by the leash till she was over him and moved on very selfish... In all nhonesty he made agreat choice letting her know where he standson the issue... It was either all or nothing for him and he let her know this... What was his big hurry for a better label TAL?? I don't think he was in a hurry but really why would he hang around as the friend when clearly this relationship has been going long enough for her to rewalise if she wants him as a boyfriend and I don't think by hanging around this will help his cause.. The difference itwill make?? Well he will know where he stands and wontget hurt more once she finds someone new and quitstalkig to him as a friend...


Matewhat you need to do is totally not contacther sheneeds to have some time on her ow which obviously she won't be ableto handle it as she always seems to talk when she's not near you... Shes obviously depressed solet her be this on her own when she ses you having fun and enjoying klife she may then realise what she has and she willlet you know.. At the moment do not talk to her reafim if youspeak to her she wanted the breaksfriends won't do it for you... Simople yourve stated your position and now give her time and Don't talk to her donlet her con you show her you can manage without her...

EXACTLY absence makes he HEART grow fonder don't forget it... DISApear

If you are certain that you don't want to be 'friends', then you did the right thing. But you obviously miss her and care a lot, or your post would not have been so elaborate.

If you feel that there is a chance for you both, knowing that she has problems she feels she needs to work on first, then give her the benefit of the doubt that she is serious about the friendship and is probably willing later, when mentally more secure, to let it grow to 'more' again.

It's your choice, either way. Have you asked her what she wants in her future? Give it a try, you can only get two types of answer, either way, you'll know where you stand and can make future plans accordingly.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

I think you were pushing for something she was not ready for, She was slowing down, and you wanted more. She made a mistake???? Not in her eyes. What was your big hurry for a better label about?? What difference would it have made???

I am not sure I agree with you! We were in danger of slipping into the "friends only" catergory. She had various problems and when we were together I supported her totally on those. The two months we were meeting we chatted a bit about those, which was of course very good for her. She had someone in me who knew her very well (perhaps better than anyone else) and was there to offer support without her giving the commitment. We didn't enter back into a physical relationship. The longer us meeting without doing anything about us happened, the more she would see me as a support for her but no more.

That is why I felt we needed to chat. That is why Mckenzie134 is right. It was an "all or nothing" situation. If matters had stayed as they were I would be giving her all the support and having to deal with big issues (as any boyfriend would) but without any of the benefits i.e. a surrogate! That wasn't fair in my view and would never work in the long term for either of us.

It has been nearly 1 mth now, no contact. I have been out on 2 dates with other people, starting to look to the future.

I do wonder if she will contact me again though!?

She wasnt slowing down at all she was trying to let him know lightly she doesnt want him but wouldnt mind draggng him by the leash till she was over him and moved on very selfish... In all nhonesty he made agreat choice letting her know where he standson the issue... It was either all or nothing for him and he let her know this... What was his big hurry for a better label TAL??? I dont think he was in a hurry but really why would he hang around as the friend when clearly this relationship has been going long enough for her to rewalise if she wants him as a boyfriend and i dont think by hanging around this will help his cause.. The difference itwill make ???? Well he will know where he stands and wontget hurt more once she finds somone new and quitstalkig to him as a friend....


Matewhat you need to do is totally not contacther sheneeds to have some time on her ow which obviously she wont be ableto handle it as she always seems to talk when shes not near you...Shes obviously depressed solet her be this on her own when she ses you having fun and enjoying klife she may then realise what she has and she willlet you know.. At the moment do not talk to her reafim if youspeak to her she wanted the breaksfriends wont do it for you... Simople yourve stated your position and now give her time and DONT talk to her donlet her con you show her you can manage without her...

EXACTLY absence makes he HEART grow fonder dont forget it....DISApear

See above!

That's right well if she wants you she will let you no! She won't forget! You don't forget a girl you want to be with do you..?

That's just right stay silent...

Not sure if she will contact you at this point. She will probably seek your help when she sees no other way out of her depression. When she does, you could try one more attempt to help her. Suggest that she go back to her doctor and take the medication for at least 6-8 weeks and then contact you again. If you cannot wait that long, get involved and accompany her to the doctor, make sure she takes her meds, and go to counseling together.

There is a lot more to depression than just mood swings. Most of us, when just starting on medication, think that a few days of feeling better means that all is well and we don't need further help with medicine. This is when it is most important to continue the medication and also our sessions with the psychologist.

If you are interested in understanding this illness better, check out the
beyondblue (http://www.beyondblue.org/) factsheet 1 and 2. for further information for those living with people diagnosed with depression.

If you think it's hard trying to understand her, can you imagine what it is like for her?

No matter what your choice is in the future, I wish you all the best.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif By the way, when taking certain medications, the sex-drive is minimized. Maybe this is one of the reasons she thinks you'd be better off without her. She should talk to the doctor about other medications to try.

I am doing no contact with my ex, one month in.

We split 6 months ago. I tried to sort stuff for 1 mth, she said no. We both then dated other people briefly, neither worked. We then got back in touch "as friends", doing very datey/coupley stuff without being back in a physical relationship.

I said we should try again, she said no but bizarrely agreed that we were very good together and seemed to want to sit around talking about how good we were together. At one point she even wanted to show me some photos of a holiday we had!

Anyway, I said being in touch wouldn't work and initiated no contact, partly to try and move on, partly to see if she comes back to me.

Has anyone ever been on the receiving end of this and acted?? Just curious more than anything.

There was some other pretty complicated stuff as well going on with her when we were together, depression, fatigue, see my previous post if you are interested. Thanks

Hi. No contact is solely for moving on, not for getting her back, sorry.

She is happy with the way things are, and free to move on whenever she choses. So why wouldd she change? If you don't go along you mess up her having you with out commitment or physical contact, which is not fair, or healthy to you. She will never come back and be the way she was. To answer your question after all my break ups I always moved on to the next thing in life, and trust me there is always a next. You just have to put them behind you and worry about you and NOT them.

She is happy with the way things are, and free to move on whenever she choses. so why wouldd she change? If you don't go along you mess up her having you with out commitment or physical contact, which is not fair, or healthy to you. She will never come back and be the way she was. To answer your question after all my break ups I always moved on to the next thing in life, and trust me there is always a next. You just have to put them behind you and worry about you and NOT them.

Thanks, although I am not following your answer totally. I understand what you say about us continuing to be in contact without prgressing i.e. why would she change? She has the support etc I give her without having to committ etc. I ended that for the reasons you suggest, i.e. it wasn't fair or healthy on me.

You then say "she will never come back and be the way she was". Do you mean under those circumstances of us staying in touch or ever!?

The view that I take is that she was not ready to let me go (yet) and put the "friends" label on stuff. By insituting no contact I have made that decision for her and she will be forced to re-evaluate what she wants.

My situation is very similar to yours. How often had you guys been talking before you started N/C? Do you guys keep breaking N/C?

My situation is very similar to yours. How often had you guys been talking before you started N/C? Do you guys keep breaking N/C?

Timescale:

- Broke up mid Feb when she ended things "her feelings changed"
- I said I needed some time to get my head round stuff.
- She then contacted me 3 weeks later
- We met, all was good, she looked sad when we left each other

- I rang her 4 or 5 days later, she was off with me

- I wrote to her mid March, saying we had the chance to try again, she said no

- We met up early April, it was her birthday and I dropped a card around
- She said she had met someone else

- I then met someone, dated briefly, ended it

- I rang the ex early May, she didn't want to meet up, was dating same guy
- I wrote and said hoped we could be friends (I know, bad idea! )

- She rang me late May, said she was single.
- We then met every 10 days or so for next 2 months until I raised stuff with her as my post says and ended up breaking off contact

So, in answer, yes, I have broken no contact before (although I never told her I wouldn't be in contact), she has also contacted me too after saying it wasn't right to meet up.

I won't break it this time for a few months at least. I wonder if she will!!

Good luck. What is your timescale for NC?

By insituting no contact I have made that decision for her and she will be forced to re-evaluate what she wants.
Read other threads in this forum and you will notice how everyone refers to their ex's feelings, and actions in every thread. This is a red flag that tells all, how far into the healing process you are. You are still too much into her, and not yourself. Still holding FALSE HOPE.

[ What is your timescale for NC? [/QUOTE]

FOREVER!! Or till she says I want to try again and then you make a decision with a clear head.

I have been married 3 bad times, but my present, "eternal fiance" of 16 years has been nothing but pure heaven. Wife 2 was wishy washy like that. I KNOW the aggravation and pain you are going through. People who love each other ( I have learned from this relationship) WANT to be together, Can't WAIT to be together! The last 3 could care less if I was or wasn't around. You sound like a person with a great heart. Sorry, but CUT HER LOOSE! Your heart doesn't need this! There are great, loving, caring women out there who will appreciate you-trust me-I learned this myself-the hard way at times.

I initiated no contact with my ex. She ended our relationship 9 months ago, we stayed in touch for a while, it wasn't right as she was clearly keeping me around to make her feel less guilty and/or to reassure her. I wanted to be with her, she said no. That was nearly 4 months ago. I told her being in touch wouldn't work and the only basis on which I wanted to hear from her was if she wanted to talk about us.

She contacted me yesterday, it was my birthday, she texted to say happy birthday, she then said she would call me.

How do I deal with this? I am not interested in seeing her to help reassure her, being friends just won't work. I have stuck to no contact. I am thinking I take her call and just leave it at that. If she suggests meeting up I ask why. I miss her still but won't be messed around.

She may of course have texted to be nice but no contact is no contact!

Any thoughts?

I would not even acknowledge her. If she wants to discuss things she will eventually say so and if not oh well. I went through something similar in August we went NC about a week before my birthday and I didn't hear from her on my birthday which HURT LIKE HELL! But I realized NC is NC if it is not an emergency or something that is URGENT why break it? All you will be doing is delaying your healing if it doesn't work out. If she wants you she will say so. To share something that really hit me this weekend I was with a friend of mines and we were talking about relationships. He shared with me that he and an ex were considering getting back together so I said well how long since you guys were together he said 14 years!! I was like WHAT! Lol That made me realize that it can be 2 months it can be 10 years but if we sit and worry about it the time needed to heal the wounds will grind out so slowly! I still miss my ex and have my moments where I get sad and wish she would call but then I have to look deep inside and focus on Me and What I need. Good Luck!

First thing, Happy Birthday for yesterday. Second, I would hear her out. Its worth a shot. I mean, if you still like her and she's interested again, you could potentially have something for life. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but if it does, you could be happier then ever. If however, she just wants to be friends or wants you to reassure her and you feel her heart isn't it, finalise the no contact thing and set her straight about what you want. Follow your heart, but I hope my advice was useful. Good Luck! =)

Turn the volume up on your intuition! Do what you feel is right.. Sometimes we think we want something because it's gone and sometimes when we get it back, We don't even want it. All I have to say is don't put yourself in a sitaution where you call her those feelings come back and you will have to start your healing all over... Because you will not get the response you want. If she has not contacted you about getting back together, This text was very generic and I wouldn't read into it too much..