I have been raising my sisters oldest son for 1 yr. 600 miles away from her because she was homeless, he is 15. She is living with a friend and is on ssi and now has a job too. She is on welfare as well, foodstamps. She is telling my parents she has been sending me 300 dollars a month for his care, she has not sent a dime, I pay for everything for him, clothes , school, food, insurance etc. I love him like he was my own, I have a son 1 yr. younger than him, they get along great. She is also receiving child support (arears) for him and still sending nothing for him. I did not care at first because I did not take him for money, I can give him advantages she can't, but it is becoming a financial struggle on my family and it is pissing me off! She just got a puppy too?? She has 3 kids and the father of the other too has been raising them since they were little. She is defrauding the government with the welfare, she told them he is still with her. I want to report her but I don't want her to go to jail. I feel like if I don't do something she will never get on her feet and take him back, he feels she don't care it is sad. She is taking advantage of me and I am furious!
Second my mentally challenged younger sister just got out of a bad marriage and since my mom wanted out of caring for her and her 7 month old daughter, I got her an apt. by me and am helping her with paying her bills and food with her ssi check, everyone tossed her aside so I stepped in. I know I took on too much but I felt like if I did not she had no one. Now my mom is adopting her oldest child and saying if something happens to her can I raise her too? I said if she dies I would try but she is very physically disabled (the child is) and I do not feel equipped to handle that, I already have the care of my nephew and now my sister I can't do anymore. She laid a guilt trip on me and I feel like if I did not take the child she would be with foster care and mom says I should not let that happen. I have a family of my own and 2 kids of my own I want my life back how in the hell did I get sucked into all this and how do I get out now?
I am trying so hard to teach my sister to be self sufficient, to take care of herself it is a daily challenge, it is sucking the life out of me, I have hooked her up with every agency I can to help her, but she still calls me 10 times a day for stupid things like how does she stop her baby from crying or can I call her landlord for her, my mom babied her and I told my sister I was not going to do that, she is not retarded just slow, she can do everything on her own except manage her own money. Help...

Tough call, she can of course just come get the child anytime she wants if there is no formal custody agreement in place.
So perhaps you can ask your mom for help, tell your mom you are not getting any money for this and can't afford it. Tell your sister you need money to help raise her and ask for money each time she calls ( maybe fewer phone calls then)

I am only his legal guardian, she can come in and get him anytime she wants, the problem is she is making no effort to find a permanent place to live so he can, she is 36 yrs. Old and acts like she is 16 . I am just sick of them all thinking I will fix all their mess ups it is not my job to fix what they broke.
I can't ask my mom for any help because she won't give it , in fact she comes to me for help all the time, they all do!! Like I am the family shrink!! But let me have a problem and they scatter like cockroaches.
I'll make the situation a little clearer for all of you because I think I was confusing, first, I am raising my OLDER sisters son. Second my YOUNGER sister has an older child being raised by my mother. Third my younger sister is mentally challenged and living around the corner from me with her youngest child who is 7 months old.

I just wanted to say I think its amazing how much you do for your family. My thoughts and prayers are yours.

Try not to let anyone step on you. Set boundries and stick to them. They should feel blessed to have someone like you that is so caring and helpful so they need to understand that you have limits and deserve their support as well.

I agree and thanks. I thought I was doing the right thing at the right time for all parties involved, the problem is I am starting to feel taken advantage of and I am drowning from it, I feel like MY FAMILY has been put aside to care for my extended family and I think maybe I am not being fair to my kids and my husband. My son already feels like he has lost his privacy since my nephew and him share a room. I love all of them, but I did not sign up to live their lives for them, I want to live my own.

You have every right to live your own life. Don't sacrifice your own happiness or that of your family for them. They're adults and need to work on things... sometimes helping people really just enables them to act up further.

I had an assignment once to write about a situation... it reminds me of you:

A tiny little society with perfect people living perfect lives have perfect days and nights. Their little world keeps spinning in its perfect little way and they don't think twice about it. Outside of their tiny little world, a man is actually holding them all up, breaking his back to hold them up in their perfect little place. He suffers day and night so they can have a perfect little life... so much so, they sometimes forget he's there.

Is it really a perfect little place after all?

Tamieko, it is time to take a very deep breath. You are definitely stressed to your limits. Yes, you have become the family go to person and dumping ground. If it is any consolation, you are the only hope your nephew has of growing into a socially responsible adult. I am sure he will always consider you his mother. As you grow older, that will come back to you in a very positive way.

You are a good person for taking on all this responsibility, but before you lose yourself and your own direction, you need some outside help. It is time that you find a community resource that won't cost anything. Are you active in your church? Is there a pastor or trusted minister you can speak with? If so, they are very aware of what resources are available to you and can help you. If you don't have a clergy member to turn to, check your regional phone book. In the front of it there should be a list of Helpful Numbers. Check under the headings Adoption/Foster Care, Information and Referral Hotlines, Family Support Services, and Mental Health. Start making some calls to some of those services. If they can't help you, go to the next phone number under the list. At some point, you will either find a resource that can help you or give you guidance to another group that can. I think you need to find someone to speak with for yourself, such as a family counselor, that can guide you and give you some much needed emotional support. It is now time for you to find someone else to lean on.

As far as your mother is concerned, you need to stand up to her and tell her you are tired of shouldering everyone else's responsibility. You need to tell her to stop talking about the "what ifs" and concentrate on doing the right thing by the child in her care, whom SHE is adopting. Tell her you will deal with the situation as best as you can if she drops dead, but it is inappropriate of her to be talking about something like this at this time and trying to force a commitment out of you when it isn't necessary. Tell her she is stressing you out and you don't need the guilt trips. You will not make any promises on something that is not in your control or for something that has yet to happen. Tell her she is being ridiculous and you won't listen to it anymore. She needs to find herself someone else to annoy with her garbage.

The final decision is the legal one. What to do about your sister and her son. Does his father know that his son is living with you? If you are his legal guardian, is that permanent or temporary guardianship? Since he is only a few years away from graduating, I think it is time for you to do a couple of things. You are going to need to petition the court for permanent guardianship if you don't have it already, and with the help of his father, petition to cease the child support payments she is receiving, AND sue her for all the back support she has received that should have been going to you for the care of her son. What is going on now is not legal and you shouldn't have to put up with it. She won't go to jail, but it will hurt her pocket and let her know that you have had enough. Either you will gain the financial help you need or she will remove her son from your care. You need to decide which scenario is best for him and for your family and follow through on whatever your original decision will be. You will need to find a family law attorney in your area that can help you with this. Those resources I listed earlier can help you find someone.

Keep your chin up. There is help out there for you. Please let us know how you are doing.

I agree with Ruby. What both of your sisters and your mother are doing to you is wrong. I believe Ruby gave you a good way to give your older sister a swift kick in the butt. By suing your sister for the child support, there is no way to loose. Either you will get the money you deserve, she will get a wake up call by going to jail, or she will take her son back. It's a win-win situation.

Your younger sister's issue: The way I see it, she is your mother's daughter. Not yours. I believe in this case, your mom needs to step up and help her. Tough love is going to be needed in both cases. Learn to use to word "No". If you want to have your life back, grow some back bone, say no when they ask you for something, and contact a family case lawyer. Being nice can some times bite you in the . Good luck hon and I hope things work out for you.

Thank you all so much your advice is helpful and inspiring. My mom has been guilting me on all these issues for yrs. She always says things like " what will you kids do if i die?" and "if i die someone has to pick up the slack" she thinks it should be me, since she is always saying I am the most responsible child she has, she even made me in charge of dividing the insurance money when she does pass away!! I dread that because it is just like when my dad died, I had to be the one to hold everyone up and stay strong, I had no one to lean on myself except my now husband. I ended up having a break down a few weeks later and ended up on anti depressents and seeing a shrink!!
That is the problem, they all think I should be the rock, the one that holds everyone up and fixes all their problems, but I end up with no one to lean on I hate it! You are right about my younger sister, she is my moms responsibility, the problem is she is 29 yrs. Old with a baby of her own, I only took on caring for her financial situation because my mothers health is not the best and she kept saying my sisters marital problems were killing her and my step dad can't stand her so I felt I had to step in because they all only seemed to care about themselves not her and although I feel for my moms situation I also care about my younger sister too, it just seemed better in the long run for all of them that she moved by me.
As far as my nephew goes, I have temporary legal guardianship over him, she just got herself arrested for dui Friday, she is too irrisponsible to raise him, he does not want to go back, part of me wants him to stay here, a BIG part but on the other hand I guess it is ticking me off that he is HER child and instead of being a grown up she is a 36 yr. old child with no responsibilities, in her mind. I don't think I would feel safe for him if she went back, she is the kind of mother who is never home and when she is she sleeps all day and parties all night.
Now my mom is talking about moving down here by me too, I love my mom but omg it is already drama central here with my younger sis and her child and my nephew, why do they all feel the need to navigate to me?? I don't know how to stop being the one they go to for help, I say no to them a lot but then come the guilt trips, I don't answer the phone but that only lasts so long, my family is a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen...
I don't want to sue my sister because I don't want her to take him back into an unsafe environment, I would rather get screwed over money wise than make him get his whole life screwed up by her lifestyle. I love him too much to let that happen to him.

Instead of suing your sister, why don't you try and get custody of her son. That way, you will be able to file for income tax on him and she won't be able too. Also, she will not be able to get welfare and foodstamps for him either when it shows in the system that you have custody.

On the other issue, I know in the situation you are in this may sound cruel, but have you thought of moving yourself and your family away from your other family? It seems that all of your family is moving closer to you so they can use and depend on you. If you move away, they won't be able to lean on you as much. It will also give you the chance to start your life over. You sound so over whelmed and stressed. Getting away from all of that and getting a fresh start would help you so much, sweetie. If they won't leave you alone, leave them. Good luck!

I moved 600 miles away 5 yrs. Ago and still am 600 miles away, they are coming here!!

What does your husband have to say about all this? You and your husband need to work as a team here tamieko. The only way people can step all over us is if we let them. I am sorry I don't have any additional input for you other than what I wrote earlier.

He is on my side on everything, he hates them taking advantage as well but he stands by any decisions I make without pressuring me. He is very supportive but it does make him mad that it is stressing me out so much.

He sounds like a nice and reasonable/rational guy. Does he give you his input or advice? I recognize that he is supportive of whatever your decisions are, but you might want to speak to him about playing the heavy with your family. Meaning, if he is agreeable to it, for him to tell your Mother and everyone else, that he is not going to put up with their dumping on you. If it means that you need to tell them that he has put his foot down and is insisting that you focus your attention on your own family (hubby and your own children), that should work too. Does he mind being the "bad guy"? It is usually easier for our spouses to put our family in their place if we can't bring ourselves to do it. Tell your mother, or your husband should tell your mother than you don't want her on your doorstep. Tell her the things I stated in my earlier post.

You made a comment that your mother stressed you out so much that you were on antidepressants and had to see a "shrink". You made it sound like going for professional help was a terrible thing. Honey, it isn't. I can guarantee you that half of the people you meet today are seeing counselors and are on medication. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes we have to recognize that we need outside help in dealing with people. You are used to handling everything on your own and it is hard to turn to someone else for answers. But, obviously, your mother is a "user" and will keep on guilting you into doing what she wants. You need someone to teach you how to stand up to her and tell her NO. Sometimes, we need to accept that our families do not always have our best interests in mind, but only their best interests is the only thing they are concerned with. You need to accept and be at peace with the fact that you are not responsible for anyone else other than your own family. It sounds to me as if you need outside help in accomplishing. You need someone to teach you how to let go of the guilt your mother lays on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are not being selfish. SHE is the one being selfish here. Until you find the strength within you to put her in her proper place, you are always going to be stressed out and unhappy.