This is going to be long

My and my girlfriend have been together for 12 years. We are both 29 now. We are now separated.

She is the one that left, not enough respect and a bit to controlling is what I was. Sounds about right to me. She was also very stressed and feeling guilty about everything.

Its been a long road to where we are, her parents are not there for her at all. Both of them pillheads and out of it. I had my own problems, alchy dad, manic, ptsd mom but my mom is who we both stayed with for about 6 years. I learned through all this drama and tore up houses that in order for things to get done/kept sane I had to be controlling and stern. Be it keeping my girlfriend out of trouble or keeping my mother sane. I was very busy. Non stop heartache for years.

I have been in counseling for about 3 years and have been making very good progress my son/mother relationship was given a clean bill of health (mother is also doing great) and I was starting to focus more on me and my girlfriend,

My girlfriend also says she has been put on the back burner and she has. But me being the do it the right way control person I am kids and marriage were not even in question at that time. Me and her had stuff to work out. She hasn't and won't go to counseling right now.

I would say the last year of our relationship has been OK. I do a pretty even mix I feel of being a jerk and being a good guy. There are days I will chew here out and say something mean. There are also days (more days) when I compliment her and tell her I love her. To me we are at least content. But not growing.

She has own problems. At least it appears that way to me. She is very much a mother hen. I mean mother hen as in constantly doing things that I am capable of doing, this may seem like she is being nice but I feel its more out of habit, she does this with everyone. She is very obligated to everyone. She is also very naggy I should say. She baby sits her cousin and will not stop telling him what to do for even a min.

Her being the mother hen (for lack of a better term) had me scared even to talk.I would fumble words for fear of saying the wrong thing. I would constantly worry about her coming into the room while I was on the computer/tv I was actaully jumpy. So that would lead to me snapping. She also was aggravated a lot of the time. I had been doing much better with my patients and anxiety. And was even warming up a bit to having kids, she had went the other way. She didn't even want to fool with kids. I don't think she mean this but it was said.

Mabye she knows her past is going to have to be worked out first. It is my goal in life to fix my parents goof ups and not make the same mistakes they made and so far I'm living up to it. She felt the same way.


I don't know if we will get back togerther. 12 years is a long time. And at this point I understand what happens has to happen. I would like for her to get counseling and for me to keep up with mine and get this worked out. But she and me both have some growing up to do.

Really not asking for anything but me typing this our helps a lot and mabye it can help someone else out.

Maybe you guys just need some time apart to figure out who you are separate from one another. 12 years is a long time and 29 is still young. I would think that you guys need to just have space to figure everything out.

I have the personal belief that if its meant to be it shall be. You guys have known one another for a long time and I can't imagine that your friendship cannot remain.

I think you have some good ideas that if you do get back together I think that both of you need to learn how to communicate better and work on your relationship. You both have to decide if its worth it and if its what you both really want.

I think you are right that there is some growing up that needs to be done and maybe the problems stem for the fact that you guys have been together since you were kids.

I wish you luck in this and I have to say you sound pretty level headed about it all.

We still have ties together, she has my car, key to our apartment, bills. She wants to help me out with them if I want. Im starting to understand how this is going to make things worse.

But she text me today asking me to come to her work and bring her some money (its going to be tight for a few more days) And I was about 4 minutes typing a response, before I had a chance she text (well I quess not thanks anyways) I read this and started balling. To me this was some sort sign on her part she still cared, or was at least needy lol.

Things are getting easier but sometime I feel so hopeless and even scared on what is going to happen to me. The uncertainty is what is killing me the most. Also I feel that hope is the only thing that keeps me going. But I don't want to depend on this as I truly don't know if we will get back together. To me its leaning towards no.

Me and my girl of 12 years are split up. She is staying at a girlfriends house. Today she called me asked me to bring her some money for gas (we share lots of bills and will have to work that out) So I come to her work and give her some money we chat for a min, she's not felling well and has not eaten today. So as I leave she says call her I want. I say last time I called you didn't answer you can call me if you want. She have me a weird look and walked away.

1 Hour laster she text me and said thanks for the money it really helped.

Can someone tell me if I'm reading into this too much. And what I should do?

Would you mind expanding on that? I have no idea what you are asking or what you are reading into.

When she left I said you know we can work this out. She said I know but I would obligated if I came back right now. I want her back badly. I quess I reading into the thank you text as some kind of sign of her still caring.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/history-girlfriend-me-115085.html here is whole story.

12 years is a long time, of course she still cares. I think she's holding back right now a little bit because she's leery of a repeat of the breakup. It is a good sign that you are on speaking terms and can be both courteous and friendly. Whatever the reason the breakup was over, I have a feeling it is a trust issue and trust is a privilege, not a right, and needs to be earned. Sometimes a little breathing room when two people have been together for so long can do a world of good. When she said she knows it can be worked out, that's also telling you something. For now, stay on the same terms as you are now and don't try to force the relationship, let it happen naturally. She'll thank you for that later.

How long have you been separated? Is this the first time?

Its been a week and a half, yes this is pretty much the first time.

This post has been merged with your other one for clarity.

The time apart is good, as you both have things to resolve and the lines of communications are still open, and amiable. For now don't dwell to deep but handle you business with your ex(?) Don't over think things and don't get to deep for a while as she needs your help still, but more important she needs space. No pressure, let her alone for a week and then see how she feels. Not knowing you both better I really think she needs a lot of reassurance and a good honest talking to, but think on it, and see how she reacts to this break(?)

So she called me today. We talk for a few minutes. I then ask if she wants to do something this weekend. She says I don't know yet mabye. I then tell her I love her, she says I don't want to get into that right now. I say that's fine I just wanted to tell you.

Back off Still Learning. Don't go down the road 90% of us on this site did and are now miserable for it. Don't tell her you love her and don;'t bring up the relationship. She called you and that's a good sign, but don't mess it up by pushing her away.

samesame is right. Space is actually a pretty great gift to get when it comes to a relationship. It gives youo time to open your eyes on what has happened in the past in your relationship and also lets you think about the present and the future. Take advantage of this gift and also, think of yourself, not her and not your parents... JUST you.

This relationship also sounds really co-dependent. I feel like stilllearning is having a really hard time learning to be an independent person. I think his girlfriend wants some independence. I'm starting to think that the only way this relationship could work again is if both of them could learn to be independent people in their relationship.

The relationship is co-dependent. Yes. But it used to be VERY co dependent on both sides and has come a long way. Im in counseling and have been for 3 years. She isn't ready.

But I think I've just got some control back in this situation. We have been together for 12 years no kids (no sex for 5 years) not married. There is a reason for that ITS NOT TIME! I love this girl and will stick it out with her but things have to be done the RIGHT way.

Her clock is ticking I know, so is mine. But I refuse to have a child/married when she is still in the same spot she was 5 years ago. I have to stick to my guns and what I think is right. I had been beating myself up all week thinking that I had done it all the wrong way. No I've done it the right way and she is the one that needs to come around to some change not me. I am at least working on my problems and it shows, I'm 5 times the man I used to be.

Not knowing you both better I really think she needs a lot of reassurance and a good honest talking to, but think on it.

Reassurance as in? This is one reason I told her I loved her and dropped it. She doesn't have near the support or people to talk to that I have and I want her to know I'm here. I asked my grandmother about it, she said it probably bugged her but she was glad to hear it. But I've decided to not call or text till at least tues/wed. Then it will be to discuss upcoming bills.

Ok tell me if I did right. I had not talk to her since Thursday and was not going to call her till next week. She text me Saturday afternoon with... how are you doing today? I say fine. You. She says all right I guess (this means she feels bad) We talk about business for moment then I say. Ok it was good to hear from you and I hope you feel better.

Then 2 min later I accendently hit her number to call LOL. It rang twice before I caught it, so I text her back, sorry about that hit the wrong button, have a goodnight. She text back have a goodnight.

Is that acceptable? Things are getting easier for me as time goes on, I've lost weight and done lots of crying/breakdowns, I'm doing both getting over her and trying to be there for her. My mother thinks we will work out so she says I should tough it out for now. Which is very hard because of the possibility of false hope but I can't give up 12 years that easy.

Could someone tell me what is mabye going on here.

I get a text form here again today asking if I sold my lawn mower, this is a commercial mower and is expensive and half of the money was going to her.

Me: yes
Her: Can I have some money? (have no clue why she worded it this way she knows its her money)
Me Sure do you still have a key to the apartment? (was going to leave it for her to pick up but changed my mind)
Her: Yes why?
Me: Im just going to take it to your dads is that OK?
Her: Why can you bring it to me
Me: I just don't want to
Her: Can I come pick it up?
She then calls 3 times and I don't answer, (to scared to)
Her: Answer the F****ing phone please
Her: Ill call my dad and let him know your coming This is what I'm talking about, no respect.
Me: This isn't about respect its just to hard for me to see you today.
Her: Are you OK?
ME: Yes
Her: OK,

This is the first time since the breakup I've realized she is controlling, my counselor said that she probably was. Any women out there have any clue as to what's going on in her head?

I hope you hurray and conclude your business with her, so you can stop this confusion by having no contact for a while. You can think without any pressure from her.

Thanks for your reply tal, I need to hear this stuff.

She CALLED today and I answered (reluctantly) she just wanted to tell me she had a flat this morning and her uncle helped her change out the spare and that she would call me tomorrow. This results in my heart pounding and me crying it almost starts it completely over.

The business is over for at least for the next few weeks. Im scared to tell her to stop calling, I'm afraid she may retaliate with (we are over) or some other kind of crap. I also am very anxious right now and my mind is thinking things that might not happen so I'm trying to keep that in mind and talk to her as much as I can. Giving her space but being there... easier said than done when you have abandonment issues like I do lol!

I know if someone acts like that I'm better off but I'm having a very tough time getting to work and I'm barely making it though the day. Im seeing my counselor and I'm making a doctors appointment to see about getting on some paxil or some light dosage anti depressant. Ive been reluctant up until now, I don't want to lose what I have so I'm getting on them for now.

Update: Saturday I tell her we need to stop contact. Im very slowly getting better, eating the same and sleeping the same but the days are a bit more bearable. She protested at first but still wants to drop money at my moms even after I told her I didn't need her money. (she cares)... yeah, she wants control.

I still don't know what's going to happen but I do know no more contact from me. This is still so hard. But I've been thinking of how things will be if we get back together and she doesn't get any counseling. As much as it hurts I can't deal with it.

She abused me, but she did it in a way that made me the bad guy. She would create these problems out of thin air and when I would dismiss them she would pout and walk away. She would also non stop tell me what to do and remind me things I needed to do (like not to forget my shoes and car keys when we would go out). Sounds harmless enough but after 12 years it becomes a major issue. This brought me down so bad I had very low self esteem. I also had to hold back my smarts, I like to debate politics/religion on message boards and listen to talk radio she gives the what the hell is wrong with you look it embarrassed me so I would just turn the computer off when she would come into the room.

I couldn't talk to her without stuttering or do anything without me wondering what she would think, I was constantly looking over my back. We would be talking about something and she would out of the blue change the subject, it made me think I was crazy, she was control freak in her own way, my mother told me this but I didn't see it until now. She has killed what used to be my awsome common sense with her crap.

I can't wait to get over her so I can have my life back. I can't wait.

I have my problems but she should have stuck it out. Because when I'm finished I'm going to be one tall decent looking smart sensitive take care of business man with all of the common sense and awareness that I prided myself on back.

I thank her (and I actually have)

Saturday I tell her we need to stop contact. Im very slowly getting better,
You are already seeing things for what they are and that's good. Why stop now? Keep on your path, it gets better.