Hello. My name is theresa I am 20 years old.

My boyfriend and I have been dating online for a little over a year now. I had just recently moved here on the first of July 07. I am now living with him and his wonderfully sweet caring family. I am blessed to know such good people. Anyway I feel distant from him now I feel he has changed a lot these past few weeks.He says he loves me.. yes. But he treats me like a guy-friend sometimes. He acts like a little boy, he swears or says hurtful things. And I don't deserve it. I have changed for him. I don't do the things I used to do because he didn't approve. I'm changing everyday. Anyway my main problem is our sexual relationship has now become something we don't do. I understand his family are 80% home all the time. But when we have privacy he just isn't interested enough. He loves to receive oral but I am left alone and untouched most of the time. He just doesn't touch me sexually. And I've always been insecure and I am becoming even more as the days go on. I feel so unattractive. I've tried talking to him... it goes... nowhere.

Please someone give me some advice

Theresa xox

You're absolutely right that you don't deserve that. What do you say when you try confronting him?
If you're upset enough to leave him then tell him. If you're miserable enough to leave him on his marry way then tell him. Don't let him take you for granted. You are a strong beautiful woman and you do not deserve to be treated in such a bad manor.

Was this a long distance relationship before you moved in - you say "dated online" I'm not sure what that means

Anyway - moving in together is a really big step and there is a HUGE learning curve with one another. A friend of mine just moved in with her boyfriend of 3 years and she said they fight all the time and they don't have sex but she knows that its just that they are getting used to being around one another all the time. You go from dating where its just fun, fun, fun and then you get to go back to your own place, have your own space and your own time. When you move in its learning how to have space and time to yourself without alienating your partner. It can be frustrating to someone who misses that time to themselves. Add to that the fact that his family is around. It's a pressure cooker.

With all that being said I would tell him to stop treating you poorly and that you have had enough of that and if he is feeling frustrated or scared about this step that he needs to talk to you like an adult not act like a child. This is part of being in a grown up relationship.

Possible answers(listed by priority):

1.)I guess there's still more you have to get to know in the guy. I think he's starting to show his real personality not in the internet but in the real world.
2.)Since your living with him he treats you much like how he treats his family and also because he's held captive inside the house(watched by family) he can't show how much he wanted to show.
3.)I think the main reason why he does not want to engage in 'true form' sex is because he does not like to have responsibility yet. Not that early.

I'm not sure about dating online myself and I honestly can't see getting to know some one that way. I think that's what your main problem is, you both are still strangers.

He acts like a little boy, he swears or says hurtful things.

Of course he acts like a little boy. He's still living with mommy and daddy, so why should he behave like an adult?

My advice: get a job and get your own place. Under no circumstances let him move in with you! This guy needs to grow up, and he won't learn what it means to be an adult unless he gets to live on his own.

It sounds more like you're finally getting to know him for who he truly is as opposed to him changing from someone you thought he was. It's very easy to be someone you're not when online dating because there's no responsibility there... you know you really have no obligation to the person and no need to sacrifice for her... when you need space you can just walk away from the computer and be alone and escape from the relationship.

You say you've changed for him but has he made any effort to change for you? Living together is hard enough when you know somebody well and are both committed to it... but it appears you may have set yourself up for failure by jumping into a difficult situation before you really got to know him. Clearly he lacks maturity, not only in the way he treats you and distances himself from you, but in the way you have sex as well. You should want to feel desired and needed. Any second you have privacy should be packed with passion. Stop catering to him... he hasn't earned it.

Any guy who treats his girlfriend like his boys clearly has an emotional disconnect and lack of respect for the relationship. Feeling distant is a horrible feeling and if your gut is telling you that something is wrong then you need to address it with him or it will eat you alive. Keeping it inside will just add to your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and he will walk all over you. Communication is key even if the answers you get from him aren't what you want to hear. You're young and you need to think long-term and focus on yourself rather than living for someone else.

Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I've known him since I was 18, as of tomorrow I'll be 21.

He loves me very much, Takes amazing care of me, and he wants to be with me forever. But my problem with him and only problem is. Sex. I feel I'm much more sexual then he, I've asked him if he has a low sexual apatite, or if I don't turn him on? Or what to do, or how to act to raise some feeling down there. When I undress around him, or take showers with him( that I have to beg for)... nothing happens. When I talk naughty or imply that I want sex, nothing happens.. I love him so much, I just don't feel attractive anymore. During sex he loses his erection. Sometimes he doesn't get up, He also doesn't last long, and I don't put pressure on him for it, I understand. He touches me sexually then does nothing with me. He'll group and feel my breasts and will not be aroused from them. But if I were to put pornography on and within 20 seconds he'll be stiff, it proves to me that I should be worried. He says I'm beautiful, sexy, says all the right things. I have talked to him about this so much that he now walks away from me. Gets terribly angry, I have to accept this? What can I do?

Please give me some advice.

I am sure that other things could be involved here but he may be addicted to pornography.

If that is the case he may be fantasying and masturbating a lot. This is a problem in that he will have satisfied any desire he has for sex. I am not saying that pornography is necessarily wrong but it can be very addictive. And depending on the type of porn he may be watching, could even change his respect for women.

He is a young man and should have a natural desire to be with the woman he loves. Particularly if she is wanting sex often as you have mentioned.

As I stated above this may or may not be a factor. If the two of you live together you will have to observe this more closely. But even if you don't, I would at least bring this up. And don't expect him to readily admit anything...

Yes, this is something we warn about here all the time, often people who get addicted or use porn too much get mixed up feelings on what sexual activitie and how women and men should act. They get a lower sex esteem since they are normally not as big and don't last as long as the men on the movie, and then the women are not as trashy in real life.

Short term, have you tired sex with the porn on in the room, play out some of the things he likes in the porn.

But long term he needs to get off the porn unless you both on into it, and can work it into your activity ( not my idea of OK, but then I am not everyone) after that he may be having some ED issue in real life and can use some medication to help him.

The first thing that came to my mind, was descriptions of several relationships by wives I have known. I read about ED. Unless the problem is medical, and I don't think it is, he does not want to have sex with you. Premature ejaculation is another symptom that can be a way of the body telling the truth. He doesn't want to be in there long.

This is not a statement of your attractiveness, or lack of it. It doesn't seem as if you are doing anything wrong. He is unlikely to change. Finding someone else would be painful at first, but if a guy was interested in your body and sexuality, it would be the best thing in the long run.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We're both 21 and very young.. I know! We've recently rented an apartment together ( by the way.. his parents hate me, dislike me and do not want us to be together. Funny thing is I've never done anything to them ) we seem to be fine living with each other. We're both very in love and we have a strong bond, and a great friendship.. but.
I am troubled by him... a year and some ago I asked him to stop watching Pornography and to stop reading erotic books. Figuring he shouldn't need it and since he tells him to my face he doesn't I asked for it to no longer be apart of our relationship. I am an extremely sexual woman myself. ( well young lady, I don't feel quite like a women right now ) moving on.. for about year now. We've had countless problems with sex. Mainly he just wasn't responding to me for months.. I became confused and depressed... recently I've asked him to stop looking at other women, I don't think it'll ever stop.
He is very unfair. He's also beats me a lot when I tell him I'm very upset about the lack of trust.I always forgive him. I am in pain right now physically and emotionally.
The reason I flipped out today on him was because I asked him to stop reading erotic books. And if there's sexuality in his medieval books.. to simply share it with me. And if it really bothers me.. to just get rid of it.

BUT he read half a book of extremely graphic stories.. he wasn't going to tell me. And he says I'm taking this too far... why is my heart breaking if it's not that big of a deal.

We don't have any trust. But I'll keep trying.

I am sorry this is so complicated.. there is so much to say.. I need help :(

Please *tear*

If his connection to porn is long-lived, you should consider it permanent. Like your love for __________ (fill the blank with something you like that he doesn't).

Being a porn afficianado doesn't mean a bad adult nor does it mean a bad sex life. Not on its own, that is. It is another art form that some (mostly men) are fine with, and some (mostly women) absolutely HATE.

The real problem with porn is two-fold:
1) Does it actually contribute to the sexual chasm you describe in your relationship?
2) Even it doesn't, and your sex life were fine, is it something you will accept as a hobby of his?

These are questions only YOU can answer. The chances of him giving up on his long-present porn habit are pretty close zero.

If his sexuality is actually affected badly by the porn, can you live with a man with a lower sex drive? Are you going to choose to stay close and make him miserable over it for years, even though you know this about him ahead of time?

If his sexuality ISN'T affected, then be honest, this is a problem with the huge perspective gap the two of you have on the issue. It's not the porn, it's the way you deal with the emotions it stirs up within you. The most destructive thing regarding porn is usually the HUGE, HEATED ARGUMENTS that ensue over it.

That's unfortunate. You don't have to make each other miserable. You can decide maturely and calmly that you can live with the things you don't like about each other or you can't. You don't have destroy each other completely in the disagreement over it... and whatever other issues of this strength that might crop up... like religion or politics or parenting.

Lastly, HE BEATS ON YOU DURING ARGUMENTS?! Seriously? Funny how you bury the REAL dangerous topic in the middle of all this smoke screen. You know exactly what I'm going to say... forgive him, and give him a ONE TIME chance. Make it official. Sit him down and let him know that the next time his hand impacts on your body in any way you didn't ask for, he's gone. Police will called, letters will be written, you will not only not protect his behavior, you will make sure everyone on the planet knows what he did and why you're kicking him to the curb.

You're blind ability to forgive him with no warnings or clear future consequences not only stupidly endangers you, it endangers your loved ones and most of all your future helpless children.

You need to be strong NOW, not just for yourself, but for him. He can squelch those instincts, and he will... but he needs GUY reasons to do so. "You wouldn't hit me if you loved me" isn't a guy reason, it's a girlie reason. He needs a guy reason like "every guy you know, your parents, the kids in the streets, everyone will know you are a sissy who beats on little girls like me. That's what you will win the next time you harm me. I expect you to protect me, from everything in the world you can possible protect me from, including your own immature impulses. You protect me...I expect it and i demand it."

He "Doesn't NOT respect you"?? So what's the problem?

This fu%#er beats you.

That's all you need to know.

Get the hell out.

Period.

Until you demand more for yourself, you won't get it.

He beats you. Do you want a life with a person who does this? no. do you want a child to live in a home where a man beats you? no. please no.

Please. no.

He "Doesn't NOT respect you"???? So what's the problem?

I am sorry I meant to type He does NOt respect me.. miss typed that and can't change.

As I see this situation, you have several problems. One, he is addicted to porn. And make no mistake it is an addiction just like drugs. Two, he has physically hit you. Three you are living with him without the benefit of marriage. What part of GET AWAY FROM HIM do you not get? This screams of a real problem, Get away from him and I mean NOW. He is physically abusive, and has an addictive personality. He is really mixed up and needs help, but not at your expense.

You are young. The emotions tied to love are intense and it makes it hard for you to believe you can be better off, first alone, then with someone else. Sometimes when you are younger you grasp onto that relationship like its your only chance for happiness.

Been there, done that. Wasted some years learning some lessons... and I honestly don't think there is a healthy future with a man who beats you, who neglects you sexually, and whom you cannot trust.

You're scared to walk away because of time invested, because its unknown, because you have real feelings for him. But he isn't treating you well, and little things now can get to be bigger things later... marriage takes work. There's a lot of good that comes from the union, but it doesn't mean it doesn't need both partners on the same page and both willing to work together, to treat each other respectfully, and to trust each other.

That he beats you is enough for you to leave.

That he neglects you is real reason for concern.

That you cannot trust him is as well.

All of these together... really... its not OK.

There are a few billion people in this world. He isn't the only one that you can love. And he isn't the one who is treating you like a lover should.

Don't worry about the porn him hitting you is reason to leave and there no excuse for it so leave while you can before it get worse.

Never let any man hit you because if they do they are not a man and they don't love you let alone respect you.

The sad thing I got from reading your post is that him hitting you does bother you, I mean how long have been allowing this type of behavior?

He always tells me that he's sorry and that he loves me, and he'll die for me. Some days I really believe he loves me. Like.. just yesterday we had a fight because he was reading a book with a lot of sex in it and wasn't telling me after I begged him to share it with me. He broke my trust, so he came home with chocolates and flowers, as a sign of an apology . And this morning I awoke with flowers again. But.. today we were intimate and I was touching myself for him and it brought back bad memories... months ago we were trying to figure out why his sex drive was so low, and he thought is was a disorder so I lifted my top and it did nothing for him. He said it just couldn't.. something to do with pressure.. but then I said, well lets see if you have a problem with erections and I played porn.. and he got hard very quick. I was so upset I pushed him away from me and cried, I said why can't I arouse you and he said.. Like you'd do that for me like the girl in porn that got him horny was touching herself and it turned him on. Why should I believe him? After he hurts me all of the time. All of the time... his family is abusive to me, they always put me down, they say watch out for her she'll try to get pregnant and ruin your life. They blame me for his depression and his suicidal attempts and for dropping university. I moved her July 1 2007. I have no friends and no family... so support and they attack me and he hurts me like no one else... even though I know I'm a pretty stupid girl.. I love him with every part of my being and I feel he does too... he shows me when the bad stuff isn't happening. He buys me whatever I need, he supports me... but doesn't protect me, and today he was telling me he will protect me.. he will love me even more



This happened months and months ago, and I cannot let it go. He has said " i don't know why i said that" he must think I am really stupid.

Does anyone know a good help line to call.. so I can talk to someone about this?


Thank you

Look, go back and read what I wrote about porn. It's only a destructive addiction if it interferes with his ability to have a normal sex life.

The fact that he sees porn and has an instant erection means the plumbing works, but that's all automatic, years of looking at it gets that natural result. There should be similar automatic responses to contact with you as well.

Married 23 years, all my wife has to do is kiss me, and I usually get an almost instant reaction. She thinks it's funny. But it happens.

Your guy sounds like he has a real physical block with you. It may be him, it may be the two of you, and it "might" be the porn, but it's a real issue. So the "living with porn is possible" argument I made earlier is irrelevant for now. He needs some help, or you need to accept his lack of sexuality with you as the norm of your relationship and marry him ACCEPTING that ahead of time.

You don't have to do that. I guess I will never understand the need to pursue relationships far into and beyond the "we're incompatible but I love him so I'll just stay miserable" choice.

It's nuts. You do what you feel you must, but there are SO many things wrong here, I guess I don't get it.

I'm not even going to address the pornography.. you have a WAY bigger issue and that is the physical abuse.

I escaped and so can you and don't you DARE forgive the bastard! Just LEAVE and don't tell him where you are going. Go to your parents house or something but by god get away from him NOW!

I always used to forgive the jackass that beat me whenever he would drink and honey that was ALL day. Obviously it progressed as I can track his movements simply by court records. He has beat all his "girlfriends".

Move your thoughts away from the porn. And this is one type of love you can replace. In fact don't even say that to yourself again... never say I love him or I forgive him. Pack up and go and do it when he can't stop you.

I left behind everything... you don't need most material things anyway.

Good luck!

You both are confused about what is acceptable, and what is not. You are both abusing each other, and that ain't love, or even close. Either get some real help, or get away from each other. You both need help, not just one of you BOTH of you.

he's also beats me a lot

Who the hell cares about the porn? Your getting beat up and in the middle of this post about porn, you write 5 words about a coward that beats you. This is your problem, not porn. I can tell your depressed and your down, but if he can't respect you enough not to hurt you then he doesn't respect you at all. I've said some stupid things to people, but I've never done it with the intention of inflicting pain. When you hit someone you know exactly what your doing. If you think this is the best guy you can find I can assure you that YOU are not giving yourself enough credit.

You can call anyone on these numbers if you want to tell:
1800-448-3000
1800-784-2433
1800-273-8255

This number help females get out of abusive relationship and house you give you counseling and support groups no matter where your at and even come and get you:1800-799-7233, this number helped my friend a lot so go this first.

Note all numbers are open 24/7 and nationwide.

Hope this help!

I have posted on here before,. So for those who care

I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost three years. I am not going to mention the stuff that isn't that important such as: his family <-(and they way they treat me). He has beat on me countless times. He has wreck myself esteem, calls me every filthy name imaginable, he says horrible untrue things about my physical appearance He told me last night he is "gay" and that is why he doesn't find me sexually attractive and that he was using me for a "cover" Tells me he thought sex was supposed to be like porn and that he was disappoint because he realized it's not <-( then takes that back, because he was lying, just trying to hurt me, because he loves me so ing much),Looks at other women when we're out, He tells me he was trying to be spiteful and he loves being spiteful. He doesn't know why he hates me so much, he doesn't know why he beats the out of me when he gets angry. Never in my entire life have I been lied to this much. I do not know who he is.. I don't know who I am. I have told him before that I wish I were a book on his shelf because he is so gentle with them and takes such pride in them and his games. So took his books and his World of War Craft game box thingy and tore it, He choked and slammed me into the ground, put his entire body weight on me and ripped it from my hands, Picked me up by my throat and threw me into the kitchen, grabbed my throat again and smashed my head into the wall, pulled my hair out, told me I was insane and that I'm doing something I will regret in the morning<-( I will never regret that ) brought me back into the bedroom and pinned me on the bed and started kissing my lips, telling me he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me, He began to get turned on from kissing me <-(I felt disgusting) He asked me why I insist on making his life hard and twisted everything he says. He says he can be everything I need, I've always wondered... when will that start? He's promised never to hurt me, he broke it... again

For a very long time I have been so confused and so lost yet hopeful for a future with him.
I don't know who I am anymore. I shake all of the time, I don't sleep, and there is no food in the house to eat. I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror. I used to see a beautiful tall slender female with an amazing personality...
Now all I see is a lost hurt little girl, who needs help.. but doesn't know if she deserves it.

I have contacted Shelters for Abused Women, none of them have space (which is so awful for the ladies with children out there)
I have tried to call my brothers whom I've only met once or twice in my life. (they don't want to be bothered, they're too concerned with the idea of me using them for money)
My family knows my situation and I have only asked for a caring hand to help me heal.
I have no friends here in British Columbia, All of my friends back home in Winnipeg, They don't have the means to help me. I have dealt with the police and proceeded no to charge him, given I thought he was changed for whatever reason, (there's that hope again)

He now has to see a Parol Officer for a year.
Which is good for him, because he'll get counseling and anger management
I have a counselor who I see once every two weeks, to help me recover from my abused past when I was growing up at home.

I can't help but feel, this is all my fault

I don't want to die now, I am only 21 years old... I just want to love myself and be loved.

Thank you all.

You are too good for that mess. Move on. Love yourself, THEN you can learn to love someone else, someone that is worth your life.

Perhaps you should think about seeing another shrink, the one your already seeing doesn't seem to be doing a very good job.

I was in a terrible relationship for 4 years and really thought I loved the guy, leaving him
Was the hardest and most painful experience I had ever gone through.
I was 22 and felt like 55, like my whole life wasn't worth the space it took.

But the good news is, it does get better. Your feeling lost now because you are lost, your lost in a no hope relationship, your man sounds like he needs to be in a psych ward... AND YOU KNOW IT!

You need a fresh start, money is tight but your young, secretly save up over a few months and search for jobs in another state far far away from BC.
You can find live-in jobs, cheap flat share, bar jobs, anything to earn some cash while you heal yourself, make new friends and figure out what you really want to do with your life.
It'll be hard but once you make the move you'll find it gets easier.
And one day you'll wake up and feel that beautiful feeling of being alive and happy.
Trust me, a friend gave me this advise when I left my crazy ex and I never thought I'd get the happiness of my old life back, but once you leave the situation that your in now, you'll start slowly shifting back to your real normal self.
Even think about saving enough for an airfare to the UK, get a two year working visa and just travel, get your life back, have an adventure, fall in love in Paris and ride a gondola in Venice. Get out, your far too young and beautiful to be broken like a rag doll.
Check out this website Hotel Jobs and Seasonal Employment for Backpackers in the UK (http://www.livein-jobs.co.uk/) and you'll see just how easy it is to get a live in job overseas, I did it and you earn a very good wage, stay in fresh and nice rooms and meet the most amazing people. All you need is the cheapest airfare and your there!
Failing that, you might want to check out Intelligent : Design - Message from the Designers (http://www.rael.org) it's a bit strange but the advice on relationships and ownership might help empower you.

Good luck, and just remember your worth it, so go get it!

You need to get out of that situation ASAP! Why stick around waiting for this guy to kill you? It's not going to get better, only worse. Start saving up money, work 2 jobs, whatever it takes to get out of that place quicker

Maybe there is no room where in the shelters where you live but how you thought about relocation if there is room in another town?

You need to leave this guy because he might kill you oneday and he sounds biploar and needs medicine and be put behind bars. For your own safety and piece of mind leave. My heart goes out to you for going through the things you have and there never no reason for a guy to hit you. If they hit you they don't respect you. I wish you can bother one of my brothers to kick his a*s.

I have a counselor who I see once every two weeks, to help me recover from my abused past when I was growing up at home.


Can your counselor refer you to emergency services to help you ASAP?

Well I don't see how you could stay with him. If he is all that bad then leave his , you don't deserve that find someone who treats you the way you should be and loves you for you, there are many guys out there who would love to be with you just the way you are. Get a job save up and then move out on your own not tell him were you are moving.

Good luck, end up happy and safe:)

You say you were abused in your past. And your getting help for that, you know how hard it is.. Why would you want to live the rest of your life with a person who doesn't compliment you. He is working against you and purposely hurting you. He hates you, why would you want that? He won't change, Im sorry to say it. But he won't. No matter what he says... You need to get out of there and fast. Your walking on egg shells to avoid his anger... and in the end he picks on you anyway.

Have respect for yourself, and do what you already know you NEED to do.

You may not know who you are, and its hard sometimes. (your letting this dominant angery person determine yourself worth and who you can become) So, take the time to realize yourself worth, the things you enjoy, and move towards a positive light.

You know that things aren't going to change.. so think of it this way..

You accidentally touch a hot kettle, do you touch it again? Knowing its going to hurt?

You have way too much to live for. Are you going to school? Have hobbies? Maybe you can move back to winnipeg.

NO MAN should EVER and I mean EVER touch a woman with hurt in his mind. Im sorry if Im old fashioned but a man should never hit/beat a woman no matter what she should do. The man, from the info you have provided, beat you at every chance you showed affection. He's more worried about his books and his WoW game then you?? Im sorry but this guy is a little bully.

Sorry for my rant but you deserve:

1. Help
2. A faraway apartment/living space
3. Yourself esteem back
4. A great guy


Can you move back to winnipeg or perhaps to your own place? If you can I would seriously suggest that because no person deserves those actions relationship or nor relationship. See a different shrink or perhaps both at the same time because what matters is you, not the abusive boyfriend.

You do deserve to live and you deserve all of the above and so much more, life is too great to let one road block stop the ride.

It is your life to live. So live it. How do you want to live it? What are YOUR DREAMS, GOALS, INTERESTS? You need to do everything in your power to not ever have any contact with him again, EVER. It is causing you a bright, 20 yr old, to actually thinking of killing yourself? Step out of the boundary. You deserve the world. Move if you have to, start fresh, see a counselor. This is life, you have to live it for yourself. You have done the first step by realizing what mess you are in. Remember that the bigger the challenge, the greater the reward. If you tackle this challenge and move on and be strong, your reward will be huge and you will probably come out stronger for it and maybe even take your case and use it to teach other girls in your same predicament. Good Luck. Please please - stay away from him. My heart goes out to you.

I had a friend that died about 6 weeks ago. Just out of the blue, and the first thing his sister told me when I spoke to her was she felt betrayed. That stuck with me and proably will for some time but I think when I hear your story all I can think of is you are betraying yourself. My friend didn't have a choice. You do and you owe it to yourself NOT to betray yourself. You can focus on the negative and make that your life as you post would suggest, but you have hope and something to hold onto otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

I agree that getting out of that situation would be best for you, and that should be something you make a priority. If you can't do it now, make it a goal and focus on it, getting a job that will pay the way until you can.

Here's your Survival Plan:

(write this down and follow it for 12 months and don't take one day off or you will lose your valuable forward progress!)

First of all, everything is going to be OK, as long as you work with this information.

1. contact the women's shelter in your town. If it is full call your therapist and ask for resources for help and shelter.

2. Leave and go to parents or friends house. Do not tell him or any of his friends where you are going. (I am not sure if your parents are helpful but I'm guessing they are not a big part of your life right now)

3. If you have any injuries go to the police station and have them open a file and take dated pictures. If you do not have bruises then go to 4.

4. clearly you feel trapped so you need to get a temporary restraining order and that can become a permanent restraining order. You can talk to a lawyer without having the funds. Ask your therapist or the police the number of the office for a public defendants office.
See if he or she can help if the police require a lawyer to do it.

5. whatever job you have, (or whatever you are studying or want to study ) now look for ads in another town that are in same job... you can try craigslist.org or just Google a town and look up the chamber of commerce and call them. Use a phone card if you need to.

6. change your cell number if you have one. Go to the store soon.

7. repeat: go to a friends or parents or relatives house.

8. get all of your things out of the house one day - if you share a house - if you wish, you can call him from a pay phone later with friends to stand by.

9. go to the post office and have all your mail forwarded to a friends or parents ASAP.

10. See a counselor once a week for a year.

11. Never share a room with that man unless you are with someone else - or best - not at all.

12. Goal: new address in 1-2 months
New job or new school in 4-6 months.

13. Use this site when needed but make sure real people are helping and protecting you.

14. If you do all this, your life will be better and a year from now you may be in a whole new place but it takes work, and help to get there.

15. You are young and probably do not have good role models but the good news is that you made your mistakes NOW, not 10 years from now.

16. You do not need a boyfriend. I'd wait at least a year or two until a guy is ready to be a strong help in your life makes him worth a relationship. Casual relationships are not going to work. Your instincts will lead you to false companionship. You can learn more about how to give and respect mutually in counseling. Without a good role model it is TOUGH! So, look around at successful people and realize it's going to be tough for you to learn at first and you need to go slow, but clearly you are special and people will see that quickly.

Lots of great things are coming your way - just get ready for a tough 6 to 12 months and you'll be smiling one day again!

A

If you log back on depressed20 I would be nice to hear that you are OK and have found a first step. Rooting for you!

I have posted on here before, ...So for those who care

I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost three years. I am not going to mention the stuff that isn't that important such as: his family <-(and they way they treat me). He has beat on me countless times. He has wreck my self esteem, calls me every filthy name imaginable, he says horrible untrue things about my physical appearance He told me last night he is "gay" and that is why he doesn't find me sexually attractive and that he was using me for a "cover" Tells me he thought sex was supposed to be like porn and that he was disappoint because he realized it's not <-( then takes that back, because he was lying, just trying to hurt me, because he loves me so ing much),Looks at other women when we're out, He tells me he was trying to be spiteful and he loves being spiteful. He doesn't know why he hates me so much, he doesn't know why he beats the outta me when he gets angry. Never in my entire life have I been lied to this much. I do not know who he is..I don't know who I am. I have told him before that I wish I were a book on his shelf because he is so gentle with them and takes such pride in them and his games. So took his books and his World of War Craft game box thingy and tore it, He choked and slammed me into the ground, put his entire body weight on me and ripped it from my hands, Picked me up by my throat and threw me into the kitchen, grabbed my throat again and smashed my head into the wall, pulled my hair out, told me I was insane and that I'm doing something I will regret in the morning<-( I will never regret that ) brought me back into the bedroom and pinned me on the bed and started kissing my lips, telling me he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me, He began to get turned on from kissing me <-(I felt disgusting) He asked me why I insist on making his life hard and twisted everything he says. He says he can be everything I need, I've always wondered...when will that start? he's promised never to hurt me, he broke it...again

For a very long time I have been so confused and so lost yet hopeful for a future with him.
I don't know who I am anymore. I shake all of the time, I don't sleep, and there is no food in the house to eat. I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror. I used to see a beautiful tall slender female with an amazing personality...
Now all I see is a lost hurt little girl, who needs help..but doesn't know if she deserves it.

I have contacted Shelters for Abused Women, none of them have space (which is so awful for the ladies with children out there)
I have tried to call my brothers whom I've only met once or twice in my life. (they don't want to be bothered, they're too concerned with the idea of me using them for money)
My family knows my situation and I have only asked for a caring hand to help me heal.
I have no friends here in British Columbia, All of my friends back home in Winnipeg, They don't have the means to help me. I have dealt with the police and proceeded no to charge him, given I thought he was changed for whatever reason, (there's that hope again)

He now has to see a Parol Officer for a year.
which is good for him, because he'll get counseling and anger management
I have a counselor who I see once every two weeks, to help me recover from my abused past when I was growing up at home.

I can't help but feel, this is all my fault

I don't want to die now, I am only 21 years old... I just want to love myself and be loved.

Thank you all.
I don't know if you get any comfort from hearing that others have been through (frighteningly) similar things (world of warcraft, books, choking/abuse, his family treating you badly) but you're not alone. After more than three years with my boyfriend, HE broke up with ME because he "couldn't deal with my ---- aymore." Aka depression. Now my biggest regret is that I didn't get to break up with him like I should have from about day six. Anyway, no matter how much you want someone to change they won't. To quote Dr. House: "People never change." I think you need to just get away from this situation and get him completely out of your life. It's probably helpful that you're in counseling, and with that, doughnuts and plenty of time, you will remember who you used to be. You will look in the mirror one day and think 'i'm pretty' before you think 'i'm never as good as the girls in the videos.' Just don't give up... get through the bad moments and in the meantime try to rediscover yourself, what you enjoy, reconnect with friends, etc. Take yourself on a date!

Based on your earlier posts it seemed like sex was how you felt validated. And this guy was not a soulmate otherwise. Get help. And learn the difference over time.

Hi it's Theresa.

Well last night got really bad... I can only remember some of the night, my memory is odd these days.

I had said something that bothered him and as always he smacked me and threw me around the room, then he picked me up by my hair and legs and pushed me out the back door he then grabbed my purse and threw it at me so I got up and walked to the corner store to buy cigarettes ( I don't like to smoke, but I can't help it ) anyway he ran after me, telling me he'll beat me right on the street if I piss him off and I told him to get away from me. Then he yelled at me and told me he hopes I get raped ( he always says that, because I've been molested as a child, and nearly raped by my mothers boyfriends. ) I stayed outside for what felt like hours but I'm sure was only 20 minutes, he called my cell asking if I was all right? <-( I really don't understand that part, and it makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. ) He told me to come inside and that he won't touch me and he told me he's going to bed. So I came inside and I saw Porn on the computer and I asked him what the hell he was doing looking at that. He said " I was proving to you and myself that porn doesn't do anything for me, I got an orgasm from your pictures" and of course, I don't believe him because I wasn't there to see it, and he grabbed me and demanded I believed him, I said " I wasn't here to see it, Taylor.. why do you expect to control my mind, why do you lie at every chance you get?" He beat me for over and hour for that. Kicked, punched, stomped, slapped, crushed, yanked, pulled EVERY part of my body, I found myself in the fetal position holding my ribs and face I thought he had broke a rib. ( it's still so sore, hurts to breathe and move my left arm) while laying on the floor he kicked and kicked my tailbone and buttocks and the small of my back over and over again. I guess that's because I don't give him anal in bed. He forced me onto my back dug his fingers into my ribs and punched my face hard and fast. He told me I'm an insecure little Bit** He then got two hand fulls of hair and continued to smash my head into the floor until I was nearly unconscious He put more porn on and told me to watch or he'd kill me, he kept telling me.. "look it's not doing anything for me you stupid whor*"grabbed me again and lifted my body onto the bed and slapped my face more and got a good grip on my hair and pulled and pulled until it came out onto his hands, he whipped all the sweat off his forehead and cheeks onto my cheeks because he knows I get acne from his sweat. I was so dizzy from the head trauma I almost puked, I couldn't see straight.. and I remained this way all through the night. He said I stopped breathing while I was sleeping and I can remember him hitting the bed to wake me up, saying " keep breathing baby keep breathing" I made myself stay awake until my breathing was normal, and he fought with me more, I apologized to him for making him so angry. He kept telling me horrible things and I got up to go outside to have a cigarette to just relax and he followed me telling about Scarlet Johan son and how he wished I were her and how much he loves her breasts ( I am a C38 not small by any means and definitely not "saggy" )... He basically tells me anything that will bother me, he loves to pick at the little things I don't like about myself. He completely ruins myself esteem. He is spiteful and he wants to hurt me as much as he possibly can. When he's angry with me and tells me that I should think about the things I do and say... He told me to help him get better, he said I don't care about him because I never help him or have faith he'll change. What am I supposed to do? I can't help him... I don't believe anyone can help a monster like him.

So this morning I woke up and called my mom who lives back home. I told her I need to come home and she welcomed me. As soon as I can. I am going home!

I want you all to know I am grateful for your feedback, You all have touched my heart, All of your words of wisdom I will never forget.. I had little faith in humanity, but I believe there are good people out there now. Bless you <3

Thank you and I apologize for any crappy grammar I am trying to type this in fast.

Theresa Bevan.

Theresa, while you still have physical prove of his abuse on your body, I'd highly suggest going to the police and having him put in jail. So, that he doesn't do this to you ever again, or anyone else for that matter.

This isn't right, and you don't deserve it. To be perfectly honest with you, this story infuriated me. GET HIM PUT IN JAIL, and get a restraining order. Then he'll be gone when you pack up and move to be with yourmother.

Best wishes to you.

Based on your other post, I have to say he needs to go to jail, and you need to go back to your mother. Get rid of this person. He's a waste of human flesh.

GET THE FUDGE OUT OF DODGE!! I am so happy your mother welcomed you back! Get a restraining order on the jackoff, please!

Do not let this acehole detour you from loving again. Those guys are NOT real men, real men would never touch a women that way! I am so angry right now. It's jerks like this that gives women complexes that all guys are the same. Guys like this should be strung up from the highest tree, or hey, put me in the ring with him, I'd love to go a few rounds in a boxing match with him

I tried to do what everyone on here told me to do, nothing got better, it only became worse through the months. Now I am leaving.. and I feel so numb...

But it's for the better...

SORRY for your troubles!. Wish I could have gotten this printed out before it happened again - but here it is again... good luck. God speed. And foxus on good people from here on... never tolerate any violence. EVER. Or wasting of a life with alcohol and drugs... I am not sure why you confronted him again knowing his violent ways, but my guess is there was abuse and or abandonment in your past and you took it all as normal in some way - that's what counseling is for! But it won't work unless you isolate from these people... hanf in there!


Here's your Survival Plan:

(write this down and follow it for 12 months and don't take one day off or you will lose your valuable forward progress!)

First of all, everything is going to be ok, as long as you work with this information.

1. contact the women's shelter in your town. if it is full call your therapist and ask for resources for help and shelter.

2. Leave and go to parents or friends house. do not tell him or any of his friends where you are going. (i am not sure if your parents are helpful but i'm guessing they are not a big part of your life right now)

3. If you have any injuries go to the police station and have them open a file and take dated pictures. If you do not have bruises then go to 4.

4. clearly you feel trapped so you need to get a temporary restraining order and that can become a permanent restraining order. you can talk to a lawyer without having the funds. ask your therapist or the police the number of the office for a public defendants office.
see if he or she can help if the police require a lawyer to do it.

5. whatever job you have, (or whatever you are studying or want to study ) now look for ads in another town that are in same job....you can try craigslist.org or just google a town and look up the chamber of commerce and call them. use a phone card if you need to.

6. change your cell number if you have one. go to the store soon.

7. repeat: go to a friends or parents or relatives house.

8. get all of your things out of the house one day - if you share a house - if you wish, you can call him from a pay phone later with friends to stand by.

9. go to the post office and have all your mail forwarded to a friends or parents ASAP.

10. see a counselor once a week for a year.

11. never share a room with that man unless you are with someone else - or best - not at all.

12. goal: new address in 1-2 months
new job or new school in 4-6 months.

13. use this site when needed but make sure real people are helping and protecting you.

14. If you do all this, your life will be better and a year from now you may be in a whole new place but it takes work, and help to get there.

15. you are young and probably do not have good role models but the good news is that you made your mistakes NOW, not 10 years from now.

16. you do not need a boyfriend. i'd wait at least a year or two until a guy is ready to be a strong help in your life makes him worth a relationship. casual relationships are not going to work. your instincts will lead you to false companionship. you can learn more about how to give and respect mutually in counseling. without a good role model it is TOUGH!! so, look around at successful people and realize it's gonna be tough for you to learn at first and you need to go slow, but clearly you are special and people will see that quickly.

lots of great things are coming your way - just get ready for a tough 6 to 12 months and you'll be smiling one day again!

A

Ash its not really a guess, she stated that she was molested in the past, and I assume that's what it derives from.

Why are you with him? I don't get it. Have some self respect for yourself. Give one of us on here his address - well call the cops for you. Get out of the situation or from what you are saying , it will probably lead to death , and I really pray that doesn't happen. Life is precious, you are young. Stay strong. And most importantlt LEAVE HIM!

Use your experience with this to grow into a mentor for girls around the world who have similar situations.

You know Theresa, I have a question for you.

I look at your photo and I see a really beautiful girl and then I sit her and think to myself, my biggest problem with woman is I get to a point where I get so nice women hate it. I sit here and I read this and I think to myself, how is that there are MILLIONS of quality men out there like me who would never even think of laying a hand on you and at the same time try to help you and build you up and we can't catch a break while you would put up with this guy?

You know Theresa, I have a question for you.

I look at your photo and I see a really beautiful girl and then I sit her and think to myself, my biggest problem with woman is I get to a point where I get so nice women hate it. I sit here and I read this and I think to myself, how is that there are MILLIONS of quality men out there like me who would never even think of laying a hand on you and at the same time try to help you and build you up and we can't catch a break while you would put up with this guy?

My guess is with a childhood as bad as hers she seeks out dysfunction unwittingly. A nice guy is basically an alien life form. Tough stuff. For all concerned.

my guess is with a childhood as bad as hers she seeks out dysfunction unwittingly. a nice guy is basically an alien life form. tough stuff. for all concerned.


Oh I agree 100%. The point of my question though was to make her think outside her box a little bit. She has been conditioned for years with no other reality that this the way life is and this is the way a man treats a woman. To be fair, much like I've been conditioned that I must be nice no matter what, and if I don't catch myself the brain goes on auto pilot and that's how I act. What I wanted to her to think about though was the reality she lives in does not have to be the reality she chooses. She can and should turn her thoughts around for her own good. My question was supposed to make her think outside her comfort level. I give the girl all the credit in the world because she's reaching for an answer. I may not have the exact answer but I want to to start answering different questions then she's accustommed to. We can write 100 pages of posts that say "leave the guy, he's not good for you." but women have allowed themselves to be beat for centuries over "love." There's more going on, as you point out, and for her to get there she needs to start thinking outside her own reality and comfort zone.

I hear you chuff,
I agree she needs to go out of the box. But it will be tough. It will take wholesale lifestyle change - and that requires a lot of motivation and guts for a long time.
Most people do not have that kind of will power.

Re: nice guys - I actually do believe that nice guys are what a lot of women want. (as long as they were not in a divorced or abusive house)

(what they don't want is a guy that has no bigger life that they can join in and does whatever he has to to make their every moment painless - that is a valet.)

I think the women that make us be anything than who we are are clearly not the one for us :-)

I know a lot of super nice guys and gals that are happily married. DepressedMe20 faces longer odds than any of them.

You know Theresa, I have a question for you.

I look at your photo and I see a really beautiful girl and then I sit her and think to myself, my biggest problem with woman is I get to a point where I get so nice women hate it. I sit here and I read this and I think to myself, how is that there are MILLIONS of quality men out there like me who would never even think of laying a hand on you and at the same time try to help you and build you up and we can't catch a break while you would put up with this guy?



I still don't know why I ever put up with him. When I first met him I thought he was the sweetest caring guy so generous with his time and always complimented me and liked me for me, he was basically my dream boy from what I knew of him.. and I didn't know very much but we were persistent and focused on meeting and eventually having me move here to British Columbia.. it was when I moved here and lived with his family that I began to see his and his familys true, true colors... I can't say I was fooled I just didn't know... yet.

I considered myself very different from other ladies, I never ever had boyfriends growing up and I was never sexually active. I promised myself that I will save myself for the man that I love, Money/Looks never mattered to me, I was always a crush for someone and had many guys wanted to be with me but I never took the bait.

I was afraid of sex and I was afraid of being abused by a boyfriend/husband etc. So I know my childhood played a big part on my reasons for staying for so long, After awhile I just got used to it, like I was used to the abuse at home.. Never once did I think "it's OK" god it's NOT! It's horrible, it is something that just SHOULD NOT happen to anyone for any reason period. I didn't feel worth anything anymore, I felt like dying everyday for a year

And since I gave him my virginity I felt I needed to stay with him and be married to him. (now sometimes I feel like doing the first guy I see, I don't know why... resentment maybe, am I desperate? Possibly because it's gone now and it isn't so precious anymore. I won't though.)

I spent a lot of time alone talking to myself, trying to figure out what to do. He knows all about my life and everything I've gone through. And you'd think he'd want to protect me from it, because that's all he ever told me, " I wont ever touch you, I promise" ugh...

I know that not every guy out there is a women abuser. I hope one day I can find love, find someone who will just be with me for me and I for him, no strings attached no lies or control, and most of all someone who will let me speak without fear.

Theresa.

How soon are you getting out of there? You will find an amazing guy believe me

Tomorrow evening I am taking a greyhound to my moms house back home.

I've already transferred my banking,phone,bills I've already purchase my ticket and NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME. I went to Walmart today to buy a little blanket for my trip (I'm pretty excited about my new blanky) anyway I'm just packing and keeping positive

Thanks :)

Is it possible to stay in a hotel until tomorrow night? He might snap seeing you packing

Is it possible to stay in a hotel til tomorrow night? He might snap seeing you packing
Do you mean tonight? And that's a good point. You could also have a cop accompay you while packing the rest of your things, so that you are being safe..

I just maxed out my visa on purchasing everything for my trip. I don't have the money for a Hotel and from what I know most of the shelters here are full.

My mom is calling me every three hours she said no matter what If I don't pick up she's calling the police, I promised myself once things seemed like they're going to get violent I am going outside and calling the cops.

I don't want to get scared and think about the possibilities... I just want to remain calm

Trust me I know the things that "could" happen and I think I'll be OK.

Does he know that you are leaving?

Ok... If possible, check in with us on here too.. I am worried and hoping for the best! I am SO proud of you for doing this! It makes me happy to hear that you have realized you deserve better than this jerk!

YES, please check in with us. We are worried about you. We ALL wish you the best of luck.

Yes he does know I am leaving, He is hurt... I am too, but this is my life and I am important and I DO have a right to be here on gods green earth, I am taking this as a lesson learned and this is so much of a learning experience for me. It's so nice to have people routing for me. Thanks so much for all of your help guys I will check in again tonight and then tomorrow before I leave. I just got to be strong, it's hard not to cry

Bless you all.

YOU ARE important!! You are absolutely correct.

Women that are strong enough to remove themselves from an abuseful situation get all the respect in the world from me. I can't imagine the strength it takes to walk away from that. My girlfriend did it as well as you have, upmost respect to you and I hope life gives you everything you deserve and nothing less!

I am not sure what you are doing going back there?

While I am glad you had time for a glamorous new photo... this is serious stuff. I know you know that, but some part of you doesn't 100% believe it. You need ZERO tolerance for all things that are harmful.


Be safe. We are there for you... As is your friends and mother.

Take my list with you... and be well.

If you get out without any more violence, please make sure someone takes photos and dates them of your damage. It will be invaluable later should charges or a restraining order be required.

All the best. And please no more tempting fate. Or sleeping with men to make anger or pain go away. Its about personal inside peace you are seeking over all else...

A

I am not sure what you are doing going back there?

While I am glad you had time for a glamorous new photo...this is serious stuff. i know you know that, but some part of you doesn't 100% believe it. You need ZERO tolerance for all things that are harmful.


Be safe. We are there for you...As is your friends and mother.

Take my list with you...and be well.

If you get out without any more violence, please make sure someone takes photos and dates them of your damage. it will be invaluable later should charges or a restraining order be required.

all the best. and please no more tempting fate. or sleeping with men to make anger or pain go away. its about personal inside peace you are seeking over all else...

A


I do hope I find inner peace. By the way I changed my photo because I couldn't stand to see myself sad. The photo I have now was taken over 2 years ago, before the abuse happened, and to me it makes me feel better. I won't be sleeping with anyone and if I decided to act in any sexual activity it's when I know what I am doing. I am going to concentrate on me and only me until I have healed, I am going to continue counseling for as long as I need it. One day I'll be whole... can't say "again" I don't know if I ever was

Thanks ash123

Theresa.

Hey guys, well... I am in winnipeg and have been here since I last posted. I am doing a lot better... I have met knew people, and I've been on a ton of dates, I'm modeling for a clothing store and I feel absolutely beautiful again. I'm still in contact with Him but, I will never go back.. unfortunetly he has relocated here, Now.. He is living in a Shelter now he barley has food and I just can't help him. Part of my wants to but, I just can't.. He hasn't changed except he has not hit me.. But I'm not stupid guys I know if I live with him again He most definitely will.. Yes I am involved with him still... for some reason I can't break his hold, and he refuses to go back to BC.. is this my fault he lives here now? Maybe..

I refuse to be hurt.. I will not be hurt

I'm going to get some counceling

Is this my fault he lives here now? Maybe..


Yes its your fault, as would he be here if you left him alone?

Probably not,

Leave him alone... I'm sorry I just scanned through the other replies and read your post. Get away. Go to a woman's shelter if you need support to do this. Find a way. Stop talking to him. Throw your phone away if that's what you need to do.

Do something, and do it quick or soon your posts will look like they did before... and so will your face, and yourself esteem...

I don't speak to him anymore, I am staying with my sister... I don't answer his calls.. I'm trying really hard to be smart!

Then how do you know that he's there? That he has no food?

Because I was in contact with him, But I am not longer.

Good, stay strong this time!

Well then just continue having NC. That's all you can do, one day at a time.

I know, I will...