I'll try and keep this concise. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We'd taken each other for granted and pushed each other too far for things to work out. After we broke up I realised the mistakes I made. Over the next few months we both upset each other a little more, we stayed in continual contact and met up a few times. She now wants to start dating other people and we've spoken a few times since. Its been pretty flirty when we do though. I feel there are a lot of mixed feelings on both sides, but I've done most of the trying to keep contact going. Recently I've been more standoffish and she's made contact. But if she's starting to date other guys is that going to ruin my chances of getting her back? Things are still quite emotional when we've seen each other and I've been as detached as possible lately to try and avoid that. I'm just wondering what my chances are of making this work and what my best approach would be.. I've had the "we should just be friends" thrown at me but since then she's drunk-text me. She keeps saying how miserable she is at the moment.

Any advice would help really.. We really clicked together and we could get that back if I could get a chance to get things to that stage.

I'm not too sure on whether I should try an approach of "fresh start" or "fix what was there before"

Thanks

Back all the way off, and let the emotional dust settle, before you do anything else, and since talking has done no good, you both should stop spinning your wheels and take a break. Time apart will at least stop you both from confusing each other, and give you both time to examine your feelings with out pressure, and decide what you really want. Doesn't sound like your making progress as it is going now.

Back all the way off, and let the emotional dust settle, before you do anything else, and since talking has done no good, you both should stop spinning your wheels and take a break. Time apart will at least stop you both from confusing each other, and give you both time to examine your feelings with out pressure, and decide what you really want. Doesn't sound like your making progress as it is going now.

I have done this. I feel I can control my emotions if I see her (it was only because we met up and had quite a lot to drink that things got a bit ugly before). I'm still keeping my distance. During our conversations a while ago she said she missed having a boyfriend. I said that she did have one and she said she wanted one that didn't damage her confidence. I went through an adjustment disorder when we were together (it was diagnosed after we split) and I definitely feel things have changed. I have been dating since and been trying to make myself be "the prize" but she's been standoffish because she's worried about hurting me. How do I turn the tables on this. I will avoid contact until advised (so I don't do anything stupid!)

Bit more background info: She feels that it was my fault the relationship failed. I read that women want reassurance and confirmation (men are from mars women are from venus) when we first broke up and she was blaming me so I said "ok its all my fault".. I apologised etc.. So even though she left me she made herself the victim.. How is this passable?:confused:

I can make an excuse to see her, we still have a few of each others things but I don't know if she'll straight through that :s

Will wait to see what advice I hear from here before I take ANY action though

I'll try and keep this concise. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We'd taken each other for granted and pushed each other too far for things to work out. After we broke up i realised the mistakes i made.

But did she realize the mistakes she's made? Your only half the relationship and while you may have realized your mistakes she has to step up and realize hers as well. And not accepting responsibility is one of her biggest problems which I'll address down below.


Over the next few months we both upset each other a little more, we stayed in continual contact and met up a few times. She now wants to start dating other people and we've spoken a few times since. Its been pretty flirty when we do though.

I'll tell you exactly what that means. She wants to start dating other people but doesn't want to deal with problems that come with the unknown. So she flirts with you to keep you in place in case the other guys don't work out. If she has spent all this time with you and still wants to date other people then that tells you all you need to know about how much she values a commitment to you. What she values is you being there is case she needs a place to turn to.


I feel there are a lot of mixed feelings on both sides,

I feel it's on your side more then hers.


but i've done most of the trying to keep contact going.

That only helps confirm that it's more you then her.


Recently i've been more standoffish and shes made contact. But if shes starting to date other guys is that going to ruin my chances of getting her back?

Yes.



Things are still quite emotional when we've seen each other and i've been as detached as possible lately to try and avoid that. I'm just wondering what my chances are of making this work and what my best approach would be..

Your best approach is to disappear.



I've had the "we should just be friends" thrown at me but since then shes drunk-text me. She keeps saying how miserable she is at the moment.

She's a woman. She knows how to use and control emotions in men. This is how they do it. They tell you they are dating others but then tell you they are miserable which keeps you holding on to false hope.




Any advice would help really.. We really clicked together and we could get that back if i could get a chance to get things to that stage.

I'm not too sure on whether i should try an approach of "fresh start" or "fix what was there before"

Thanks


I think you should approach from I'm dissappearing and going to make her miss me and come to me. Anything else is just playing into her emotional games.

Personally I'd go for the fresh start option. Wash your hands of this and move on. It sounds as if her feelings are far too ambivalent for you to be able to count on anything here. You owe it to yourself to get out there and live your own life.

Back off until she can be clearer in what she wants.
In the mean time don't stop living on the hope that things will work with her.

Back off and live your own life for a while.

I backed way off as tal suggested. I made no attempt to make contact. She called me and said she missed talking to me.. If I put on my cynical head I'll assume this means she wants to know why I'm not being a good doormat/fall back option. She asked about other girls I was dating and I said nothing to serious YET and that they were mainly aiming at friends with benefits. She then told me she's not over me and she's not going to be dating anyone. So I replied with "thats nice, but im sure you'll get passed it with time, you're an intelligent girl, you'll work something out".. I told her I had to go and would give her a call back.. She phoned me and asked why I took another call rather than talk to her.. I said it was work telling me I had some time off this week.. She said the day I had off matched up with hers (tomorrow) and could she come over to see me. I said I'd let her know... I'm feeling more in control now. I'm going to be "busy" in the morning if I do say yes so that its not all day... Am I doing the right thing. I haven't said yes or no yet.. Oh she sent me a text last night saying "do you think im fat?" out of the blue.. Sounded like a loaded question to provoke a compliment and lead me to a position of flattering her.. I replied simply with "no."... Am I doing this right? I've made no attempt to contact her unless I'm replying to her

Don't meet up tomorrow tell her your busy, she's still trying to keep you on the string if you want her back pull further back she is getting keen but your stillhanging around.


Don't play these games if you want her backyou mustdisapear and watch hr come on strongerlet her no your not interested in someone who doesn't know what they want and you know what you want and if she not interested thereare plenty who are you're a great catch.

Sought this out now buddy o this back andfourth will continue until she does findanother guy...

I hope you've been thinking of what YOU want. The key is when she told you she misses having a boyfriend, which leads me to believe any guy will do. You know her much better than I do, so you have to know for sure if your ready for that fresh start, or is she worth taking another chance on. Its your decision and you have the ball in your court. She is moving rather fast to get you back in the fold though, and I think if you need more time for this decision, now is the time to take it, and do not let yourself be pressured by her or anyone else. Personally I think you will see things in her you didn't or couldn't see before, and you will realise that being dumped once by her is enough. You need to know how you really feel and what you really want right now before you commit to hooking up. She is holding on by her finger nails, and trust me females, have some sharp finger nails. She wants to hook up, and get you back in a hurry, and I really don't think either of you is ready. Do YOU?

I agree with you Tal, I don't want to rush in to anything.. And I think my attraction to her has diminished lately as I've seen an uglier side to her.. I've had a sense of detachment from the situation lately. But I am curious as to what she has to say. She said she's feeling ill today so I told her we can cancel tomorrow. She says she wants to see me. I told her she could come over. I have emotionally distanced myself from this for now and I really feel it :S. I am curious as to what she has to say though. I will endeavour to avoid being pressured in to anything. Mac said not to meet her tomorrow, but I'd already agreed prior to this. I'm going to be cautious. Is this OK? I know its too soon to get back together by the way

Just becautious don't let her suck you back in she will keep u on astring

Take it easy

Thanks people. Will see how things go.. I am going to be VERY careful tomorrow. I'll come back to you Wednesday with a bit of an update. Thanks again, you've been a real help

Don't make any promises you can't keep. Pay attention.

Dont meet up tomorrow tell her your busy, shes still trying to keep you on the string if you want her back pull further back she is getting keen but your stillhanging around.


Dont play these games if you want her backyou mustdisapear and watch hr come on strongerlet her no your not interested in someone who doesnt know what they want and you know what you want and if she not interested thereare plenty who are your a great catch.

Sought this out now buddy o this back andfourth will continue until she does findanother guy...
So true, I was the revolving door also, till he started dating someone maybe while with me, now he doesn't care if I'm dead or alive, guess I was good till another came along.

Don't see her, let it go on longer, disappear... for now

I too went down the route of continual contact then thought I better quit this as he is getting fed up of it so I stopped for a bit then I really had had to contact him to take my dofgs as I need to visit sick father he apparently thought I wasn't talking to him and has met someone else gr now I wonder if I blew it by stopping contact or not I mean we were only out of touch for a week and it wasn't as if he ever contacted my although to be fair he never ignotred my numerous calls and tolerated me very well under the circumstance even when asked he just sais it was fine it didn't bother him and I could call whenever I wanted of course now the ne girl on scene I feel I can't call at all and it very hard if I had done this in the beginning I wouldn't be in the state I am in now 4 months on so try not too contact her and god I know it hard if it meant to be it will be that's all we can hope for I guess good luck and take care of yourself for now only move on when your are trulely ready no point involving anyone else in your mixed up emotions you will only end up doing to them what has been done to you

If you love her then you love her you can't help how you feel, And if she feels the same way about you I don't see the point in not trying to make things work. You don't want to rush into anything, because you don't want to get your heart broken. Time heals all wounds. And maybe she needs to see other people to know where her heart is at. The one saying that I have learned to be true is "You dont relize what you have until you have lost it" Its only up to you if you want to wait.

She came over yesterday and asked a lot of questions. I answered what I was comfortable with and didn't let her pressure me or try to play on my emotions. Later things got a little heavy (in a flirty way). I played along a little then things started to get physical.. I backed off and suggested we go get lunch. 30 minutes after lunch she tried again.. And I gave (twice 8-) ).. We did have a nice day and talked about what we wanted.. She's not sure at the moment. I told her I couldn't promise I would carry on waiting for ever, but at that time I wanted to get back together.. She says she's in 2 minds about it.. I'm still feeling pretty detached about it, but I do feel things could be better than before.. She's texting me a lot now and I'm not sure whether replying to her is doing more harm than good.. I don't want to end up in the friend zone.. And a friends with benefits thing would be pretty silly

Continue to play it cool and cautiously. Don't always be available for her. Have a lot of fun when your with her but make your time spent with her few and far between.

OK, she's text me today and the conversation got a little serious.. She started asking about other girls. I told her I hadn't got in to anything deep yet.. She asked why nothing deep and what was with the yet.. I told her it was so I could see how things went with the 2 of us first.. The "yet" was in case it didn't work out or if I'm left hanging. She said she appreciated the honesty and when I asked whether she was set on moving on or considering us getting back together she said:

"i honestly dont know! if i did i wouldnt mess you about. i'd tell you honestly. If nothing else i respect you more than anything and would wanna hurt you x"

That seems like a gentle let down to me... Anyhow, I ended the conversation (nicely) and left things at that... I really feel I've done something wrong here... I didn't want to pressure her but its been 3 months

Yes it has been long enough to make up ones mind, but your waiting for her to make up her mind and that's just tolong to be hanging on a maybe. You haven't gotten over her and she still gives you fase hope which amounts to her stringing you along, no matter what she says. You need to wake up, and get your life together.

You've been waiting, for long enough. It's been 3 months and she still isn't sure. Perhaps you should just move on...

Hey all, General update. She came over on Monday night, we spent the night together (no sex). Just relaxed, watched a few films and fell asleep. We spent Tuesday together then she went home and we went to a concert in the evening. Everything was fine, we talked more about how we'd fix things if we got back together etc. On Tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasn't anything serious and I only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys). So we left the gig early after a bit of an argument and a little blurting from me. We talked on the way to getting cabs and decided we should write down what we like and don't like about things pre and post breakup. We did this separately and mailed them to each other. We're meeting up tomorrow night and probably won't discuss them then. I've probably left this forum for long enough to damage my progress. She says she wants to try though.. If you could let me know what I'm doing right and wrong that would help. I don't feel as strung along anymore as I've been hearing hints of commitment

We got our letter to each other through on Friday and discussed Friday night. I can see what she wants, she says she wants to give things a go and still loves me but wants to take things slow. I'm finding this pretty difficult really, I guess I see things more straightforward than the actually are and do the whole "leap of faith thing" without thinking. Its unhealthy that I'm inpatient because I don't want her to find someone else and its also not too good for me that I literally don't stop thinking about her now. Its damaging my judgement and I don't want to act purely on emotion. The discussion went quite calmly, it wasn't overly comfortable, but I think we said a lot of things that needed to be said. When we met up Saturday it was great. We both had a good night (I got the "Thanks so much for a great night, i really had such a good time" text). I'm not sure what my next step should be. I'd rather speed things up a little if I can because it doesn't feel to productive just to wait till the weekend have a date and then wait for the next weekend. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

I would take things slow like she wants. By you rushing things you will push her away.

So she sent you a letter telling you what she didn't like about you? What did it say?

Did it say you smother her and rush things? Because that certainly sounds like what you do going on your last post.

You know it isn't healthy or a good idea to go fast yet you still want to speed things up. Im a little confused sorry Nick.

If it were me, her indecision would have pushed me away a while ago, but then again I'm a different person to the one I was with my ex not so long ago. The old me would have waited around for her to make her mind up. But not now.

If you truly want to make things work with her you need to have changed. You need to recognise what was wrong with your relationship and go about making sure it doesn't happen again. To me it doesn't sound like you have done that.

What did she say she doesn't like about you and the old relationship? What have you done to make sure it doesn't happen again?

I would take things slow like she wants. By you rushing things you will push her away.

I understand that, and I've really taken things slow, I don't want to put pressure on her, its been a pretty long 4 months though


So she sent you a letter telling you what she didn't like about you? What did it say?

She said she didn't like the dramatics of our relationship beforehand. This is something I have come to recognise, I just saw it as passion before but now I see the negative effect it had.

She said she didn't like the deceit and lies (on both sides). I Agreed with her, I never covered something up for the sake of hiding it. But I was sometimes vague about where I was going because I was feeling insecure and if she was worrying about me then I felt reassured. I know this is an immature thing to do and didn't see it for what it was at the time.


Did it say you smother her and rush things? Because that certainly sounds like what you do going on your last post.

She didn't say that I'm rushing things, she just said she would like to see how things go and take it slowly. When we talked about it after I agreed about it afterwards as I realise I'm still evaluating some of the things of our previous relationship, still learning and its too soon to jump straight back in



You know it isn't healthy or a good idea to go fast yet you still want to speed things up. Im a little confused sorry Nick.

I KNOW that its too soon to start things up again but I can't help the emotional reaction of missing her. I FEEL like I want her back ASAP. It contradicts logic but it is something I am keeping under wraps. I make sure she texts me more than I text her, that I don't call her just for a chat, I let her do that. If she wants to see me then she asks, I don't assume she does. This may all sound a little like a game (and it does feel like it sometimes, but its part of not acting on impulse for me and also been the most effective way of keeping things stable from what I've heard and seen



If it were me, her indecision would have pushed me away a while ago, but then again im a different person to the one i was with my ex not so long ago. The old me would have waited around for her to make her mind up. But not now.

I suppose most people in my position would say this, but I do feel a connection with her. I have tried meeting new people (as has she) and we end up back at the "not over you, see how things go stage"


If you truly want to make things work with her you need to have changed. You need to recognise what was wrong with your relationship and go about making sure it doesnt happen again. To me it doesnt sound like you have done that. What did she say she doesnt like about you and the old relationship? What have you done to make sure it doesnt happen again?

Maybe I haven't changed. She said she's seen a change in me. I suppose I'm more upfront about my impulsive desires here than I am with her, I just don't feel that acting on impulse would be a good idea. It's the mistakes from before that have changed, we've been communicating better when we see each other. We don't argue (even though it's a bit of a stressful situation). We now talk about things rationally and although its not always as expressive/exhillarating to do it like this, it does cut down on the collatoral damage of just shouting our points across and assuming the other doesn't know what we're talking about. So to me, it does feel like things are going down the right route.

It is pretty slow progress and ironically it feels like things have sped up over the last few weeks or so (I mean it was no progress at all for months). I feel like I'm learning more about myself and I want to carry on going down this path, I just don't want to miss the opportunity for the next step.

Hey all, General update. She came over on monday night, we spent the night together (no sex). Just relaxed, watched a few films and fell asleep. We spent tuesday together then she went home and we went to a concert in the evening. Everything was fine, we talked more about how we'd fix things if we got back together etc. On tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasnt anything serious and tbh i only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys).

Do you see how she tries to control you? She asked for the break. She wanted to see other people. Now she’s mad when you don’t follow her around like a puppy while she sees other people. The girl has some kind of control problem and she doesn’t respect you enough to abide by her own set of rules that she makes.


We got our letter to each other through on friday and discussed friday night. I can see what she wants, she says she wants to give things a go and still loves me but wants to take things slow.
What exactly does she mean by that in this circumstance? You’ve already gone out with her. You’ve already showed her you are willing to move on. Again, I think she wants to take things slow because she doesn’t really want a commitment with you but at the same time wants to explore other options. She just doesn’t want you to find those other options first.


I'm finding this pretty difficult really, i guess i see things more straightforward than the actually are and do the whole "leap of faith thing" without thinking. Its unhealthy that im inpatient because i dont want her to find someone else

Read that again! You basically admit that you know she is looking for someone else. You say you are impatient because you don’t want her to find someone else! You know that is exactly what she has in mind!
This is exactly what she wants as well, she wants to control you, to stop you from moving on, while giving her someone to be there in case it doesn’t work out with the other person or if she can not find another person.


and its also not too good for me that i literally dont stop thinking about her now.
No it’s probably not. You can either stop the problems now or continue this and stop later.


Its damaging my judgement and i dont want to act purely on emotion. The discussion went quite calmly, it wasnt overly comfortable, but i think we said a lot of things that needed to be said. When we met up saturday it was great. We both had a good night (i got the "Thanks so much for a great night, i really had such a good time" text). I'm not sure what my next step should be.

While I realize this is a week old, it should have been to let her call you again.


I'd rather speed things up a little if i can because it doesnt feel to productive just to wait till the weekend have a date and then wait for the next weekend.

You were around all the time and you got dumped. Being around her all the time proved to be less productive then being around all the time.


Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
Dude she came back to you. Back off. You let her do the chasing. She shows you a little attention and you want to jump in and that is just going to back fire. You do your own thing, and when she comes to you, either through personal visits, phone calls, texts or whatever else you keep it short and end it. You have complete control so keep it and let her chase you. If you give her the control back she’s just going to lose interest like she did when you were going out.

On Tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasn't anything serious and I only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys).
RED FLAG-Beware of those who try to use jealousy, and they themselves get jealous. She is keeping you close and on a back burner just in case. Cut all contact with her what so ever. She cares nothing for your feelings at all, and will not hesitate to dump you from the friend zone if something better comes along. Sorry but this is not love, nor is it healthy for you.

RED FLAG-Beware of those who try to use jealousy, and they themselves get jealous. She is keeping you close and on a back burner just in case. Cut all contact with her what so ever. She cares nothing for your feelings at all, and will not hesitate to dump you from the friend zone if something better comes along. Sorry but this is not love, nor is it healthy for you.

While I had to spread it but Tal's dead on. She's a controller and she must always be in control. If she is not she throws a temper tantrum.

thisis so weird that this is the first post I came across when logging into this site after like amonth... reason is that I am going through the same thing as you right now, but for me its only been 2 weeks. My boyfriend broke up with me and I have never felt so hurt in life! We still talk every few days and actually hung out last night. I have also thought of the "start fresh" approach but in my case it was not mutual agreement, I got dumped. But if in your case, you both have feelings for each other, and obviously she feels something too, maybe you should have a talk with her and see what she thinks. I mean, the worst thing she can say is no and at this point, your already broken up. I do have to admit that a break does sound like a good idea. Even if its for al ittle bit. I think sometimes you get too caught up with each others lives and forget to have our OWN life, that we get sick of each other kind of and that's when we need the so called "break". Do wha you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. Good luck =)

She's been really standoffish for the last few days and I'm not sure what to make of it. I hardly hear from her at the mo. We had an argument (about breakup stuff) on Sunday and she's been cagey since. I did suggest on Monday that this will take time but maybe a heart to heart would be a good idea but I'm just getting one line answers now :s

I've reread some of the things you things you have told me and you're right *sigh*... Is napalm an option?. Maybe not.. *-)

No contact is your only option.

We've been over analysing each other as of late.. and I get the feeling she's dating new guys really.. I've told her I want no contact at all.. That she can't phone me or text or anything (unless it is a genuine emergency). She agreed.. We made plans before N.C to leave it 4 weeks and then meet up to something non commital.. I'm just after some time to let go of the past and I agree with Tal that its my only option.. Have been going around in circles for months lol.. All OK?

Best not to be stuck on a revolving roundabout! No contact is a real b*~tch and a half to stick to but done correctly gives you time to reflect and get your life back without the confusion of ex's. It is what they are confusion - they create it and we therefore bathe in the disastrous effects it has on us!

Stick to NC, four weeks won't be long enough. Months maybe even years is what you need!

A lifetime of no contact is what you are after. Four weeks just won't cut it. As you start to make progress you will fall backwards after the 4 weeks are over when you get in contact again.

You said yourself you guys were just not working. You are missing a relationship with her because she is familiar. But I'm thinking it's over. Deal with it and move on.

OK, I haven't contacted her yet. I don't know ifi mentioned this earlier but I have an anxiety disorder. This was what caused a lot of problems with us before.. I worry too much basically. When we broke up I thought the best thing I could do was try every idea that popped in to my head and see what worked.. I should have given things time then. When things started coming back together I committed to quickly and it didn't really do the situation any good.. The idea of me having no contact with her is just to take the edge off. I think it will work, we've spoken pretty much every day since we broke up and its definitely not helped anything. Im using this time to get rid of the neediness.. to try and sort myself out a little in that respect. I don't feel there's any point in going round in circles with her and 4 weeks is a very long time for us not to speak for. She's still saying she loves me and adores me etc. And I do feel the same way, but if anything were to progress we'd need to let go of the past. I think time will help that. I told her she's obviously free to date whoever she likes. I'm seeing this as an opportunity for a clean slate. I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses then please let me know. I just feel that we definitely have compatibility (as we were together for quite a while with no problems). And I know I'm taking a risk to break contact whilst she's starting to date again, but being clingy is going to get my knowhere. If I still feel the same way after this then I will of course break the arrangement to meet up. I'm not in danger of doing any damage to the current situation right now (as it is no contact regardless).. I do think that perhaps I could lower my hopes by giving this time and making it easier.. I feel its worth giving things a non-commital meeting to see how it goes. I just feel we were trying too soon and there was too much of the past looming over. To reply to your idea that I will just fall backwards after 4 weeks when I get in contact: It will be meeting up for an evening only. I have told her that if I do not feel that its going anywhere then I will just cut my losses and we'll have watch the film and go our separate ways. Think I covered everything there. Let me know if you have an ideas at all.. I do try to listen to you all but I was more after the recovery of a relationship than moving on and I thought that 'no contact' was a good way to let go of a lot of recent problems and be more at ease with myself

You are not doing no contact! And when you do you are still making her your No.1 priority and you are acting like you are the one in control when your clearlu not! She obviously does not want to be with you and you cannot see this! THERE IS NO NEED TO TELL HER YOU Won't BE TALKING AND SO FOURTH THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO THIS ARE THE ONES THAT THINK I WILL GIVE HER A SCARE AND WAKE HER UP BY SAY " wELL i DONT THINK WE SHOULD TALK ANYMORE TIL YOU WORK OUT WHAT YOU WANT" STILL GIVING HER ALL THE CHOICES WHEN SHE HAS ALREADY MADE UP HER MIND you CANNOT SE THIS. INSTEAD SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND Disappear Don't EVER SPEAK TO HER SAVE THE CONFUSION AND IF SHE REALLY WANTS YOU BACK THEN SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW!! Simple!!

OK. I appreciate your bluntness. Its still no contact. I haven't spoken to her. Before this happened I did ask her what she wants. She said she didn't know. I do believe that. She is dating other people and considering she was actually sleeping with me a month ago and said she wanted to try I do believe her.. I don't think that's an overly naïve thing to say. There have been a lot of misunderstandings since though due to poor communication. I'm doing no contact because I was acting impulsively and pressing buttons to get a reaction because I wanted to find out what I had to do. I don't want to do that anymore, I feel that I need time to sort myself out and let go so to speak. This seriously has nothing to do with making her feel any way in particular. Its to make things less intense. Its been going round in circles for months and not talking for a while will help because it gives me time to just take a step back... Hell, I might even enjoy my life for a while!

Nick, please reread my first post to you. She wants to use you as a back up plan. She wants to date other people but doesn't want to deal with the fall out of getting dumped. You a safe guard to her. You can try to justify this any way you want, and while you may have an aniety disorder that had nothing to do with her decision. You can't blame yourself for her actions.

The relationship was dysfunctional any way. Now it's dead. Get your head together and move on. You really don't have anything to salvage and you're sounding obsessive.
Move on.

OK, thanks for your help

She says she doesn't know what she wants but she is lying. She doesn't want you nick and she knows it. I know it. Heck everyone knows it. I even think you know it but you just won't accept it. Sorry for bluntness but the sooner you realise this the sooner you will be able to move on with your life and you won't waste anymore time with this girl.

It hurts but you just have to chalk this one to experience and one that didn't work. The next one will be a whole lot better if you learn from your mistakes. Especially the anxiousness.

She says she doesnt know what she wants but she is lying. She doesnt want you nick and she knws you. I know it. Heck everyone knows it. I even think you know it but you just wont accept it. Sorry for bluntness but the sooner you realise this the sooner you will be able to move on with your life and you wont waste anymore time with this girl.

It hurts but you just have to chalk this one to experience and one that didnt work. The next one will be a whole lot better if you learn from your mistakes. Especially the anxiousness.

Totally agree, sorry. Game player!

Hi all, I thought I'd give you all an update, was floating through the site and came across another question answered by skell and chuff and it reminded me that I had left things in a slight degree of confusion. I cut contact down completely after hearing your advice, and I've felt a lot better since to be honest. I've even gone out dated someone else and although I'm aware I'm still healing from my last relationship I feel meeting new people is doing me good. I'm thinking about her less now and feel as if I'm on the right track. There is still a slight degree of contact there and I feel it will take time for that to disappear but all in all its feeling like its part of my PAST and not an ongoing struggle. Thanks again for all of your help. (I won't make the mistake of rushing in to a rebound relationship by the way)

Skell and Chuff have their stories here, and a lot can be learned from them. Take your time and enjoy yourself, that's what life is about!

Back again! Things are still going great for me. Barely thought about her for the last week or so and there has been NC... Until this morning. I got a "hi, how are you?" message. I'm trying to put this behind me now.. But I don't want to be rude to her.. Any suggestions?. I'm really wary about falling in to the trap again

Back again! Things are still going great for me. Barely thought about her for the last week or so and there has been NC... Until this morning. I got a "hi, how are you?" message. I'm trying to put this behind me now.. But i dont want to be rude to her..Any suggestions?.. I'm really wary about falling in to the trap again

Congratulations you won. The war is yours to be claimed if you DO NOT answer that message. You said it yourself. Things are starting to go good for you. You are recovering nicely and your moving forward. She's the one that thought she could do better with out you, and she's the one that fell on her face and now is back tracking in an attempt to catch up to you. If you are tempted to answer it today just stop and think for a second how you won the battle, you were moving on, and now she's the one who misses you, she's the one who broke the silence, and she's the one who's now dealing with what you already went through. Smile today because in her emotional games, you have claimed victory.

I'll try and keep this concise. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We'd taken each other for granted and pushed each other too far for things to work out. After we broke up i realised the mistakes i made. Over the next few months we both upset each other a little more, we stayed in continual contact and met up a few times.

You know the answer. You were not a catch for her anymore! You understand "the mistake", but not the way that makes you understand how to be a catch to her again.
Staying in the contact, gives you the chance to make a plan how to become her catch again.


She now wants to start dating other people and we've spoken a few times since.

She said it. Ok, and you took it like that. What if she wants to make you jealous ? Girls usually say something, and mean something else.


Its been pretty flirty when we do though. I feel there are a lot of mixed feelings on both sides, but i've done most of the trying to keep contact going.

Flirting is one way to be the catch and rebuild the spark.


Recently i've been more standoffish and shes made contact.

Another way to be a catch. Hope you are not doing this to manipulate her. You need to be a catch, but not manipulate her.


But if shes starting to date other guys is that going to ruin my chances of getting her back? Things are still quite emotional when we've seen each other and i've been as detached as possible lately to try and avoid that.

Instead of being emotional toward her, be flirty. Don't treat her as a friend. Be flirty, and if she doesn't like that, than she has no interests toward you, but as a friend.


I'm just wondering what my chances are of making this work and what my best approach would be.. I've had the "we should just be friends" thrown at me but since then shes drunk-text me. She keeps saying how miserable she is at the moment.

WHat do you want more? She wants to be taken back. But there is her "pride", and there is you, who doesn't know how to make her want you more and more, in order to "kill" this pride of her and say the magic words. When she is drunk, she doesn't think about her pride anymore.


I'm not too sure on whether i should try an approach of "fresh start" or "fix what was there before"

Thanks

I would advice, that chapter is gone for both of you. Work on another chapter.